The war ends. There's a quieter celebration this time then before the Hyuuga affair. I miss most of it. Within two days, Tsume and Kuromaru are back, and I am forced to face another problem I had tried to avoid.
It happens as I was watching Neji and Yuki play. Neji had been coming over occasionally, brought by a branch member every time. Yuki said that he was having problems: trouble sleeping, eating, stubbornly refusing to do his chores. It's all natural, I guess, so long as you aren't a Hyuuga with a bomb tattooed to your forehead. A few of the branch members are worried he will say or do something to get himself hurt. So they bring him here whenever they can.
"It's sweet really. Yuki needs something to fill her time with. She won't be able to become a ninken, you know…" Kenta says from next to me, and I startle. I bristle at that comment but before I can retort, he shoots me a look. "I would be more worried about myself if I were you, Akamaru." He turns to walk; a silent command to follow.
We walk in silence, winding through the cabins and houses. He is brisk, and I am unable to catch up and walk beside him in these thin alleyways. It's almost as if he doesn't want to walk with me, and it makes my hackles rise.
Finally we appear at the clearing before the clan's shrine. Kuromaru is standing, back to us, looking up at it. Kenta moves to sit beside him, and motions for me to sit on the other side. We all stare at the shrine in silence for a few seconds, as I feel myself grow more and more anxious.
Finally, Kuromaru speaks, "You disregarded a direct order. I told you not to meddle in the Hyuuga clan's business."
"But-"
"But nothing, you disobeyed a direct order from me, and neglected your partner. Do you have any idea why this clan works?" "-listen-" "No, you don't. Loyalty. We are loyal. To our family, to our elders, to our partners, we trust them and walk beside them. Leaf may pretend that all the clans are equal, but we aren't. We aren't the Uchiha, or the Senju, or the Hyuuga. We will never be seen the same as them. We will never be able to command the same resources. We will never be valued the same in the battlefield. The only reason why we aren't simply fodder. It's loyalty. It's because Ninken and Ninja work together in this clan. We keep them alive. I don't think you understand that."
"I do! But I also understand how much Neji hurts, and enough to try, try at least, to stop it-" A whine creeps into my voice, and I can hear how weak I sound. Kuromaru hears it too, and I see one eyebrow raise.
"And how much time did you spend on your attempt? How much time did you spend on this Neji boy, instead of Kiba?" The tone is accusatory, mocking, and makes my stomach roil.
"Kiba's fine! He will be fine! Remember? Nothing happens to him!"
"As far as you know. From what I recall, this fairy tale of yours was called Naruto, not Kiba, right?" a note of scorn creeps into his voice, and he takes a breath. He is trying to calm himself and I try to cut in, before he glares at me with an intensity I haven't seen before. "Do not interrupt, your insubordination is grating on my nerves. As I was saying, You don't know what sorts of challenges he would face. All you know is that he survived when he had a Ninken who stayed with him, who was there for him. Who was Loyal. You are not that Ninken. You need to shape up before I remove you from his detail." He bites out the end.
I want to scream but my voice comes out softly. "For what? For caring too much? Because I try to help every child? Because I want to hope that we can build a better world for these kids?" I feel braver now, with each word my voice gets louder and trembles less. " Look, I get that this world is fucked up and I can't always win-" No, you haven't come to terms with that. The voice has returned. Damn it, I wince. "but at least I am trying to help make a better future." I turn to stare him down..
"You, with your stars in your eyes. You come into this world and refuse to see it as it is. Trying to create a better world? The first step is facing reality. This isn't your happy-go-lucky old world. This peace? these villages? Not nearly as stable as they seem. We are a Kunai's edge from falling back into the warring clans era, and I promise you, that is a much worse alternative. Last time we spoke you said you weren't a pup. But all I see before me is a pup who refuses to wake up to reality."
By this time we are nose to nose. I recoil at his words and try to pull myself up to my full height.
"And I see an old dog, too afraid of change to even hope for better things." With that I turn away, and begin to walk away. I can feel their eyes on me, and turn to say one last thing.
"It doesn't matter if you chose a new partner for Kiba, I'm going to keep watching out for him, and Neji, and all of the other kids that come my way. Nothing will change that." I feel proud. I feel badass. I've never been eloquent. Where did this come from? I could cheer for myself once I get out of sight, but right now I'm working on my cool strut.
By the time I am out of sight, my legs turn to mush, and I can feel all the anxiety and stress I was pushing down until this moment bubble up. I practically collapse against a building, where Yuki and Neji find me. She can tell something is wrong, and Neji looks confused. She nudges me.
"Is this about Neji?" she asks softly. I look at her in bewilderment. "You've never been that hard to read. You were on edge the second we saw Neji and his father. Plus, Kuromaru saw Neji in the compound and he stalked off." I just sigh.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I shake my head. She looks at Neji, and then back to me. "Whatever you did, I know you did it for a good reason. So I wouldn't be too upset about it. If you change your mind, I'll always be there to listen." She then turns to guide Neji away. As I watch her retreating form, I feel sorrow climb up my throat.
"Yuki. wait." I say, and she pauses. "If you had to choose between knowing you were going to save one child, or take a chance, and risk him for the chance to save a few more. What would you do?" I whisper, and I can feel how weak and pathetic I sound.
She pauses, and then answers slowly."I don't know." she admits. "I'm not sure there is a right answer. It sounds like an impossible question." I deflate. I guess I knew that she couldn't just give me an easy answer. "But that's how life is. Sometimes we get it right. Sometimes we get it wrong." She looks at me, and I can see a softness in her eyes. "Thank you though, for trusting me."
I nod, dumbstruck, and then Neji tugs her along, so she shoots me an apologetic look. I wave her off. This is a question I need to answer for myself.