AUTHORS NOTE: I had real problems with this chapter, as I didn't believe what I was writing. Whilst with Carrick I could see that his behaviour whilst unacceptable ultimately came from a good place and he really wasn't as bad as he was painted. Grace is an entirely different matter. Although I really tried to be objective, and play devil's advocate as I did with Carrick I just couldn't do it as how she was portrayed in the backstory in canon and my view on it was just too strong and no matter how I looked at it, I could come to no other conclusion other than she really did let Christian down. So, having said that I apologise in advance for this rather weak chapter which ended up going back to Carrick rather than focussing on Grace.

CHAPTER 26

(CARRICK)

I am feeling wrung out. I had no idea Christian felt the way he did. I admit that from time to time I do tend to forget that I am a husband and father first and a lawyer second, in my dealings with not only him but also the rest of my family. It is something which I am aware of and try to avoid doing but the reason I do so is only due to my instinctive need to protect all of them. But my relationship with Christian is sadly more of a business one rather than a father/son one and after everything Ana has said I realise that I only have myself to blame for that.

The realisation that I had never told Christian how proud I was of him and acknowledged the fact I was wrong after what I had said to him when he dropped out of Harvard is eating at me now. How could I have been so stupid and so blind? Everything that Ana has said now makes complete sense with everything I have seen with my own two eyes over the years. I intend to put this right sooner rather than later and when Ana and Eva leave, I am going to go with them. I am going to talk to Christian and give him that long overdue apology and try and see if he will forgive me so we can salvage some sort of relationship.

I glance at Eva. I honestly have no idea what possessed me to make those unfounded remarks about her. It was an off the cuff remark which sadly came out of my mouth rather than staying in my head. I can offer no explanation for that other than I was preoccupied with my concern over Christian's birth family visiting which I was planning on discussing with him. Not to mention the whole situation with Elliot and Kate. I am normally far more circumspect with what I say but on this occasion I wasn't. But thankfully Eva and Ana have both forgiven me for making them and it appears that no harm has been done.

I look at Ana now, she really is a remarkable young woman. My son is a very lucky man to have the love of such a wonderful selfless young woman. I remember her when she was a teenager and Ray was desperately fighting her mother for custody of her. He should be exceedingly proud of the way she has turned out as she is a credit to him.

I listen to the conversation now between Ana and Grace. This must be regarding her guilt surrounding the fact she didn't help Christian overcome his phobias when he was a child and the knock-on effects that had as he matured. It looks so straightforward to anyone looking in on this but at the time Grace turned herself inside out with worry wondering what to do for the best for him. I really don't think either of us understood just how emotionally damaged he was and I think we both realised very quickly we were way out of our depth with him, but the love we had for him overrode everything else – even common sense at times as he so desperately needed that love even though at times he seemed to almost reject it. He was so damaged it was hard to know what to do for the best for him without making things worse. I hope that Ana isn't going to blame Grace as she blames herself enough and although I try and tell her that she shouldn't blame herself, deep down I know we have both failed Christian.

"Before we begin Grace, I just want you to know I'm not pointing fingers or judging you" Ana says gently and I watch as Grace nods in agreement.

I see the clear pain and guilt written all over Grace's face as she gives Ana a brittle smile. "I know what you are going to say darling, and I completely agree with you. I failed Christian completely. I am a paediatrician for god's sake. I should've at the very least got him to a point where he could tolerate touch. If I had there is every reason to believe he wouldn't have spiralled out of control in his teenage years and fallen into Elena's hands".

Ana smiles at Grace kindly and reaches for her and pats her hand. "Grace, I just want to understand the reasons why you didn't help him overcome his phobia as it is just something I really don't get. You are a brilliant doctor, and loving mother and I have trouble reconciling that fact with the facts as I know them. Christian always said you respected his boundaries and forgive me if this sounds judgemental as I am not a medical professional, but… was that really the right course of action?" she asks.

Grace shakes her head sadly, "No, no it wasn't. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If we all had the ability to see how our actions would turn out there would be no mistakes in the world, and everything would be completely perfect. You have to know what Christian was like when he first came to us. When I first saw him at the hospital in the ER I thought he was about two years old, he was so small and undernourished, I was shocked when I discovered he was four. He was as Carrick put it, pitiful. He was dirty, he smelt really bad and he was caked in ground in dirt and there was dried blood on his clothing, if you could call it clothing and he was completely and utterly petrified. My heart just broke when I saw him, I had seen neglect cases many times before, and whilst it upset me I had always managed to stay objective and professional but this… this was on a totally different level. The moment I made eye contact with him and I saw all the hurt and fear in those beautiful grey eyes of his it was as if he had reached inside me and he had captured my very heart and soul. I know that sounds overly dramatic but that is how it felt and it is the only way I can describe how it felt to me. He saw me coming towards him and he leapt off the bed and hid under it. I knelt down and looked at him and asked him if he was hungry and it was those eyes once again that floored me, they were so expressive and I saw hope appear in them and he nodded and although he was still very fearful, that was how I managed to coax him out. I have never seen a child wolf down a plate of mac and cheese as quickly as he did, so I dread to think when the last time was that he ate a proper meal. He ate it so quickly I was afraid he was going to be sick. He was dangerously dehydrated but I could see the injuries on him and so I didn't want to traumatise him further by sticking needles into him so we gave him drinks with a sedative in them. When he was sedated, we bathed him. We cleaned and dressed his wounds; x-rayed him and saw the full extent of all the injuries he had and did what we could to treat the fresh ones. We put him on a drip to completely hydrate him and by the time the sedation wore off we had managed to complete the examination. I called Carrick and told him about Christian. I had never been so affected by a case as I had been with him". Grace pauses as she is thinking back to that time and a faraway look comes into her eyes and she carries on reliving that time when she first met Christian and I remember that evening when she had called me in tears about the little boy she had met in the ER, something she had never ever done before.

"I stayed and sat through the night with him. My shift had ended but I just couldn't bring myself to leave him. I'm glad I did, as he had a nightmare that night and I tried to comfort him as best as I could. When I touched him, to try and comfort him he screamed as if he was in pain. At first, I thought I'd missed some injuries as he did have so many. But then I realised it was fear. He automatically thought he was going to be hurt and psychologically his mind provided that pain through his fear despite the fact he wasn't being hurt. I tried to soothe him by talking to him and telling him that everything would be alright and that nobody was going to hurt him. I sat with him and I sang to him, I sang a song I always sung to Elliot when he was upset. Slowly, he calmed down and moved closer to me. After about another hour or so he climbed into my lap curled himself into a ball and fell asleep. I knew at that moment I wanted to take him home with me. I knew he deserved to have a second chance at life, but being the age he was, I also knew that if there was no other family he would probably get lost in the system. I didn't want that for him. I didn't want him to be bounced from one foster home to another all his life with the chance he could get abused again. I told Carrick and he liaised with the authorities and put the request in to formally adopt Christian. It was fairly straightforward as we had been through it already with Elliot so we were already approved. I know they searched tirelessly for his family and tried to find them as he was in the foster home for nearly six months whilst the investigation went on. We visited him three times a week there and I remember how his face would light up when he saw us arrive. Carrick was working alongside the authorities and handling the adoption process and eventually we were told that the search for his biological family had not been successful and so our adoption request had been granted. That was when he finally came home with us. While he was in the foster home and was getting good nutrition and care he grew an astonishing amount and put on weight. But sadly, the time there didn't do anything for his state of mind. Some of the other children there pushed him around and bullied him, as children do but it made him even more wary of people coming near him. It took him a while to warm up to Elliot but eventually he did. He was completely mute; he would just nod or shake his head and point at things, other than that the most we got from him was a moan or grunt... or a scream when he had his nightmares. We were told it was a reaction to the trauma he had suffered and also his way of having some control. He had been completely out of control and at the mercy of others for so long, this was his way of having some control over his life. Another theory was that he had possibly been beaten for talking or making noise. He was so afraid of everything though, that I didn't want to traumatise him further by trying to deal with his touch issues. I thought that the first thing and most important thing was to try and get him talking again, he was clearly very intelligent and understood everything he just refused to speak. That seemed to be like fighting a losing battle and it ended up being two years before he said a word and as you know that was down to Mia's arrival. You could argue that her arrival should've been used as the basis of helping him overcome his issues and once again with hindsight you would be completely correct. But I was just too close to the situation. We had just got him talking and I was so overjoyed that I didn't want to rock the boat by risking a regression if we pushed too hard. I know it was totally against every bit of training I had done as a paediatrician but logic and love are two totally different things and I was completely ruled by my heart where Christian was concerned". Grace sighs and gives Ana a sad smile. I look at Ana and Eva and they both have tears in their eyes at what they have heard.

"I made a mistake, it was a lapse of judgement based on my emotions and love for a damaged little boy…" Grace says, "…and it is a mistake I have regretted ever since, as that mistake led on to my son becoming so angry during puberty and ultimately falling into the hands of a paedophile. There are always 'if onlys' in life but if only I had been ruled by my head instead of my heart and helped him overcome his phobia then maybe events wouldn't have turned out the way they did and that is something I will always have to live with".

Ana reaches for Grace's hand, "Christian adores you; he credits you with saving him. He said that you saved him and that if you hadn't made the decision to adopt him, he wouldn't be where he is today" she says kindly.

Grace smiles back and squeezes Ana's small hand, "You are very kind, but the only person who should be credited with saving Christian is you. Your influence over him these past three years has had remarkable results and you managed to do what I failed to all those years ago, you helped him overcome his phobia and helped him to accept touch. You have no idea what it is like when he willingly hugs me. I waited so long to be able to do that and the fact I could do it at all was down to you, you darling girl".

I watch as Grace leans forward and pulls Ana into a hug and holds her tightly. I glance at Eva and see her watching with tears in her eyes.

I clear my throat and Ana immediately pulls away and looks at me questioningly.

"If it's alright with you, I'd… I'd like to come with you when you go home. I'd like to talk to Christian" I look at Grace, "Would you come with me Grace?" I ask and Grace nods.

"Of course I will" she replies.

oooOOOooo

(ANA)

We are making our way back home and whilst I think I can understand the situation a bit more, especially where Carrick is concerned, I still have issues with what Grace told me.

"You look deep in thought again" Eva says suddenly, pulling me from my thoughts.

"I was just thinking about everything they said, it's hard not to" I say carefully.

"What did you think about what they said?" Eva asks.

I hesitate as I don't want to sound like a judgmental bitch, and Eva jumps in and ends the silence with her opinion. "I think Carrick just tried to do his best but he went about it the wrong way because he was thinking like a lawyer and not a dad" Eva says and I nod in agreement, as I had also pretty much come to that conclusion.

"But Grace…" she says carefully and she glances at me giving me an uncomfortable look.

I nod, "I know" I say, relieved that Eva seems to be of the same opinion that I am.

I sigh, as I really don't want to sound as though I'm being harsh and uncaring but despite everything she said I still don't buy it and still think she should've done more. That is not something I am about to say out loud to her though as I know she is so guilt-ridden about her… failings, then I wonder if I am being too harsh on her, after all I know only too well just how easy to love Christian is. I know the feeling that Grace described of him reaching inside her and owning her very heart and soul, as he had done the very same thing to me. I think of all the allowances I have made for him over the course of our relationship and whilst his relationship with me is completely different to that of the one with Grace I do have some point of reference. As whilst I have always made a point to stand up to him and not put up with his unreasonable behaviour I have also made more allowances and let more things go than I really should have over the years. I picked my fights but as a result we are strong and solid.

"What are you thinking?" Eva asks nervously.

I sigh again, "That despite everything she said, which I totally get… I still think she could've done more for him" I say simply.

I see the relief on Eva's face as I see it. "Exactly" she says.

"But I think she knows it, and she beats herself up about it enough without me pointing it out. So, I'm not going to mention it again" I say.

Eva nods, "Yeah, I mean I know guilt when I see it. My mom was drowning in it after what happened with Nathan and that was a totally different situation as she had no idea what was going on… but Grace; the fact it was what she did, or more accurately didn't do that ultimately helped to put her son in the hands of an abuser… well, that must eat her alive".

We arrive back home and the SUV carrying Angus and Luke pulls up beside me. Grace and Carrick pull up beside them and I look at Eva.

"I have no idea how this is going to go down" I admit and Eva reaches for my hand.

"Play it by ear, and go with the flow. I'll use this time to go and pack as I am heading home in the morning. Christian is going to need you when he talks with his parents. Come and find me when you're done" she says.

I reach over and wrap my arms around my sister, "Thank you" I say and I feel Eva squeeze me gently. As I pull away, I look her straight in the eye. "For everything" I add.

Eva dismissively waves away my thanks. "You're my sister" she says with a shrug. She reaches for the car door and looks at me. "Shall we?" she asks and I nod.

"Let's go" I reply.

As we walk in through the front door Christian is standing waiting with a massive smile on his face. "Hey baby, did you enjoy your drive?" he says as he reaches for me and as I walk into his arms, he holds me tightly. He buries his nose in my hair and inhales and I smile and run my hands over his back as he reassures himself that I am home and safe.

"We did" I say and as I pull away from him, I see him smiling brightly at Eva. That smile fades dramatically though as Carrick and Grace appear.

"We took a drive over to Bellevue" I say carefully. Christian looks at me questioningly and I see him stiffen.

"Why?" he asks.

"Many reasons, the main ones being we know what Carrick said about Eva, along with everything else that was said". Christian's grip on me tightens and he immediately shoots his father a filthy look and opens his mouth to speak but I hold up my hand to stop him.

"Christian, stop it and look at me" I say as I bring his attention back to me. "Eva and I have had a long chat with Carrick and Grace and we decided that what they said to me you should hear. I want you to sit and listen to them". I say calmly.

Eva reaches for me and I turn to look at her, "I'll head upstairs and pack" she says and I pull away from Christian and give Eva another hug.

"Thank you" I whisper in her ear. With that she pulls away and as she passes Christian, she pauses and pats his arm affectionately.

"Just listen to them" she says and Christian silently nods at her.

We all watch Eva disappear upstairs and Carrick clears his throat, "She is a very wise young lady" he says simply and I know that is his way of trying to atone for his previous comments.

"Let's go and sit down, and we can tell you everything" I say looking up at Christian once more. He nods and after shooting a look at his parents he reaches for my hand and pulls me close wrapping his arm tightly around me.

As we make our way to the living room I look around and wonder where Arnie is. "Where's Uncle Arnie?" I ask.

"His family and Liam's family have arrived and are all staying at the Fairmont. He is with them at the moment and I think they have also been doing the DNA tests" he replies.

I nod and Christian takes a seat on the sofa, Carrick and Grace take the sofa opposite and I go to the bar and hold up the bottle of bourbon and look questioningly at Carrick.

He shakes his head, "No thank you, I've already had a drink and I don't want to risk having any more when I have to drive home in a while" he says. Grace also declines and I look at Christian.

"Christian?" I say and he also shakes his head.

"No thank you baby" he replies.

I put the bottle down and go and sit beside Christian. He immediately reaches for me pulling me into his lap and wrapping his arms around me. Then he looks down at me questioningly.

"So, what exactly have you been doing?" he asks simply.

I take a deep breath and tell him everything. I begin with how after Elliot had spoken to us, we had gone and listened in at the door of his study and then gone to Jason and watched the entire exchange between him and his parents after we had left the room. I go through how Eva and I had decided to go to Bellevue to talk to his parents to try and clear the air once and for all. I tell him that I believe we have done that, and that he should listen to them and hear them out.

He listens to me without saying a word and when I have finished, he simply nods.

"Alright" he says, then he turns towards his father. "Did you apologise for your comments regarding Eva. I couldn't help but notice how your opinion has completely altered" he says dryly and I close my eyes, he is still on the defensive and this won't work if he is going to be like that.

I turn slightly and look up at him, "Christian stop it, Carrick made a flippant, crass and judgemental comment. He didn't mean what he said and he has apologised for it. Eva has accepted his apology and let it go. I have let it go, so now will you do the same please?" I say.

Christian looks at me and nods squeezing me a little tighter and pulling me closer to him as he does so.

"Alright" he says again and I feel him take a deep breath. I glance at Carrick and he leans forward and clears his throat.

"Erm… the first thing I want to say is something that is long overdue and something I should've said a long while ago. I always assumed you knew how proud I was of you but Ana has pointed out that maybe I should've told you and I apologise that I didn't".

I feel Christian stiffen and he takes in a sharp breath and his hands start to tremble slightly. I quickly cover his hands with my own and squeeze and as I do this I feel his arms tighten around me.

"I am proud of all my children and I love you all. As you have all made outstanding successes of your lives. But you Christian, your success has been on another level and you have well and truly proved me wrong, and I apologise for not having faith in you and your abilities and for not supporting your ambitions to start your own company. You proved me wrong son, and I am so proud of you that you did so".

I feel Christian take another sharp intake of breath and then he shifts slightly. I quickly move and as he lets me go he smiles at me, "Thank you baby" he says as he rises gracefully to his feet.

He lurches towards Carrick who also stands and holds out his hand. Grace and I watch holding our breath as Christian reaches for that outstretched hand and pulls Carrick towards him into a hug.

Grace gasps and looks at me, "That is the first time he has ever allowed Carrick to hug him" she whispers. I just smile as I feel tears forming in my eyes.

"I love you son" we hear Carrick say and I see Christian visibly tremble at the words. This is a remarkable moment and we watch as Carrick closes his eyes as Christian replies.

"I love you too dad" he mutters.

Eventually they pull apart and Carrick is blinking away tears as he sits down again. Christian returns to me and rather shakily he sits down and lets out a loud puff of breath.

"Are you ok?" I ask and he simply nods and then pulls me back into his lap and buries his nose in my hair once more and inhales deeply.

After a moment Carrick looks ready to say some more and Christian returns his attention back to his father.

"Now, the next thing I want to talk to you about is something which I know will make you angry as soon as I mention it, but please know I have already discussed this with Ana and we have made our peace over it and she now understands what actually happened and my reasons for doing it".

I feel Christian stiffen but he nods and waits for Carrick to elaborate and as soon as Carrick mentions the prenup I feel him freeze completely. I turn and look up at him.

"Just hear him out" I say quietly and he glances at me and nods although the look in his eyes is now cold and angry.

I sit gently rubbing my hand over his as Carrick explains everything and apologises for the human error and how he accepts full responsibility for it. As he lays out the full story for him, and explains his motives I feel him slowly relaxing and it gives me a sense of relief that he is accepting what Carrick is saying.

When Carrick has finished, he waits for Christians response and after a moment he looks up and speaks.

"Thank you for telling me, I didn't realise that… and I am grateful that you were looking out for Ana as well as myself, but there was one thing which you overlooked" he says and Carrick looks questioningly at him.

"What's that son?" he asks carefully as he is not sure what Christian is going to say or if he is still going to get angry.

"I didn't need a prenup and neither did Ana. It was completely irrelevant as if I ever fucked up so badly that Ana left me, she could take everything for all I would care as it wouldn't matter because my life would be over" he says simply.

"Christian!" I gasp and he shakes his head.

"It's the truth baby, if you ever left me… I wouldn't survive it" he says.

A shocked silence spreads out between us at that. I quickly try and bring myself back on track as I want Carrick to tell Christian what he told me when he opened up and poured his heart out to me. I am not certain I want to be here when he does that as I think that should be a private moment between father and son with no other spectators.

I clear my throat, "I think that Grace and I should leave you two alone so you can tell Christian the other things that you told me in private" I say. Grace nods and immediately stands while Christian glances at me in alarm.

I reach out and touch his face and he leans into my touch. "It's ok, it's nothing bad" I say trying to reassure him.

Eventually he nods and releases me and Grace and I slip quietly from the room.

oooOOOooo

(CHRISTIAN)

I watch my wife and my mother leave the room and I hesitantly turn to face my father who is gazing intently at me. For the first time in my life, I don't feel the sense of crushing disappointment and unworthiness which is always there when I am in his presence.

I have no idea what else he wants to say, as I think everything has pretty much been covered. I am surprised by the revelations about the prenup. I had no idea that had been the case, I wonder idly what had happened to the clerk who made the error, although my father insisted he took full responsibility for it. What surprised me most was the fact he drafted it with protecting Ana in mind. That pleases me, especially when I realise that he never thought for one moment that she was a gold digger. When he apologised for not believing in me and he told me he was proud of me I thought my head was going to explode. I never expected him to ever say that and I am shocked at how much I now realise I needed to hear it.

I wonder what the hell Ana said to him for him to open up like this and willingly say all this.

"What are you thinking?" he asks me carefully.

I let out a small snort, "I'm just wondering what the hell happened when Ana and Eva came to see you" I say.

My father smiles at me and it is a warm genuine one, "Your wife is a remarkable young lady and so is her sister. You and Gideon are very lucky men. Let's just say, she made me re-evaluate things and helped me to see things clearer and made me realise a number of things" he says.

I smile, "Which is lawyer speak for she kicked your ass?" I ask wryly.

My father laughs and shakes his head, "Actually no, she didn't. She just asked for a number of explanations and she pointed out where she believed I was wrong but she also gave me the chance to explain myself and she listened to me and offered her opinion on it" he says.

I smile as I think about Ana debating with my father.

"So, what is it that you need to tell me that Ana thinks should be said in private?" I ask as we both sit down again in our respective areas of the room.

I wait and after a moment I am surprised when my dad gets up and comes and sits next to me. I don't say anything and just wait for him to say what he needs to say.

He is looking down at his hands and he seems to be considering something and then he looks up at me.

"Do you remember the very first time we met?" he asks carefully.

I am taken aback by that, but the memory of the first time I met my father starts to form in my mind and I nod.

"I was still in the hospital waiting to go to the foster home" I say.

My father nods, "Yes, that's right. I'd started the ball rolling on formally adopting you and we were told that you had been made a ward of the state while the investigation took place to try and track down your biological family. I had heard so much about you from Grace and I'd seen you from a distance. I'd been to the hospital a few times and watched you with Grace and the nurses. But as you were going to the foster home and we would be visiting you while you were there it was time for you to meet me. Grace had warned me that you were unsure of men and to not make any sudden movements and to definitely not touch you".

I nod as the memory gets clearer in my mind, I can see the small room I was in, and I remember the door always being ajar as I was afraid that I was going to be locked in if it was shut.

"I walked in and I said…"

"Hello son" I say finishing my father's sentence before he can finish it. He smiles and nods.

"You looked up at me, I was surprised at how small you were. Grace had told me you were four years old but you were the size of about a two-year-old. The thing that struck me most though was your eyes. When they met mine, they were filled with fear and panic and I saw how you were getting ready to run and hide".

I nod, "You sat down near the door in the chair" I say as I remember more about that initial meeting.

My father nods, "Yes, I did because I didn't want to distress you any more than you already were. But do you know something? From that moment I knew that I wanted to be your father. I wanted to show that not everyone would hurt you and I wanted to protect you from any more harm. The overwhelming paternal instincts I felt for you, the need to protect you from harm and love you and make you feel safe were incredible and at that moment I knew that if your biological family were not found you would be my son. I didn't want to consider the fact that your biological family could be found and you would go to them, but I made a contingency plan in case that happened. I set up a trust fund for you which I managed and the plan was that I'd make contact with you when you came of age and sign it over to you. As it turned out that was never necessary… and as it turned out, you never accepted that money as you were so adamant that you were going to make it on your own… after what I said to you".

I put my head down the guilt and shame consuming me and I feel my father touch my arm.

"Christian, it's not your fault. Do not think that, it is my fault. It's all entirely my fault for the way I behaved. I should've been more considerate of your ambitions. In my defence I said what I said out of love and concern for you. So many businesses fail in the first year and I didn't want that for you… but I went about it in totally the wrong way and I am so, so sorry".

I nod but don't say anything. I feel my dad grip my arm and then pat it.

"When you came to live with us, I realised very quickly I was completely out of my depth. I was unsure of how to be a father to you. My own father was a disciplinarian and I modelled my parenting style on how I'd been brought up. I realised very quickly that, that style of parenting would be totally inappropriate with you. Therefore, I tended to look towards your mother to discipline you when you were naughty. I know you witnessed me spanking Elliot and Mia and I often wondered if you understood why you were never spanked. I was at a loss with how to be a father to you. I could hug and tickle and play with Elliot and Mia and I couldn't do that with you. Ana pointed out to me that this probably made you feel pushed out, unworthy and undeserving… I never ever meant to make you feel that way and I am sorry if I did".

I swallow hard and close my eyes this is getting difficult to hear, but I don't say anything. I have never heard my father speak like this before and I am seeing him in a whole new light.

"As you matured you got angrier and angrier. I lost count of the times I had you in my study and ranted at you, and you just sat there and never said a word. I wondered if I was reaching you if anything I was saying was having any effect".

I look up at him "I wanted you to spank me, I felt like I deserved it. I had all these… feelings and I couldn't control them. I knew I was being a bad son and I wanted you to spank me like you spanked El and Mia when they were naughty. When you told me how disappointed you were in me for the way I was behaving it confirmed to me just how worthless I really was and I wanted you to punish me and because you didn't… to me it felt like I wasn't even worth punishing".

My father stares at me in shock, "Oh my god Christian, I'm so sorry" he gasps.

I shake my head, "No dad, please don't it's my fault" I say.

My dad grips my arm and shakes his head, "NO!" he says loudly, then he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, "No Christian, it is not your fault. None of this is your fault, we all made mistakes, we all failed you in one way or another. Your birth mom failed you as she let that animal abuse you. I know you have forgiven her and you are aware of the circumstances now and she was as much of a victim as you were but the fact remains her decisions and her mistakes failed you. You came to us and because your mother and I were so out of our depth with you and the issues you had we made some bad decisions – some mistakes and we failed you. That wasn't your fault Christian you couldn't help the way you were, you were the way you were because of what had happened to you, none of it was your fault. The biggest mistake we made was rejoicing that you had got your life on track and had turned things around but we didn't look into the reasons why this miraculous transformation had happened and we should've done, oh my god we should've done, and had we done so we would've put that paedophile away much sooner. We closed our eyes to it… we failed you, and I am so sorry".

I reach out and touch my dad's shoulder, "Dad, please" I mutter. Whilst this is killing me hearing him say all this, I also feel oddly vindicated and I almost feel as though something is slotting into place inside me, almost being laid to rest.

My dad looks up and smiles, "The only person in your life who hasn't failed you is Ana. Don't ever let her go son, don't ever take her for granted or drive her away. She loves you and she will never fail you".

I smile as my mind goes to my wife, "I know" I say simply.