It was McCoy's idea of hell. This was the woman he loved more than anything else in the world, who'd been sharing his bed and his life, who'd loved him just as much, until three days ago. And now he had to treat her like just another patient, because she didn't remember any of it.
It didn't help that, even though she didn't know him, she so obviously trusted him, sought his touch for comfort, and generally seemed to feel that little bit safer, when he was around. His heart soared, of course, to see that she still felt that way about him now, but it made it even more difficult for him to stay professional and keep from doing all the things he ached to do. Especially since he knew how much a simple hug would mean to her now, how desperately she needed to be held for comfort and to ease her fears.
But he also knew that anything more than a gentle touch to her cheek, or holding her hand, would be unethical as long as she didn't remember their relationship. Unthinkable for any doctor with a minimum of professional ethics and moral principles.
Truthfully, that was the main reason for wanting Jim and Spock to join them. Their presence would make the situation more official, and thus easier for him to keep his distance. Otherwise, he wasn't sure how long he'd be able to fight the aching need to be close to her, to do what he normally would to reassure and comfort her.
To not hold her, not kiss her, not tell her of his feelings, was an endless struggle, and the more time he spent in Hope's presence, the harder it got to keep his emotions under control.
Therefore, it was with great relief, that the doctor welcomed Kirk and Spock into Hope's room, thankful that Jim didn't have any qualms about going straight over to give a surprised Hope a cordial hug. It was exactly what she needed right now.
"It's good to see you up and smiling again, Lieutenant!" the captain beamed at the young woman, and McCoy felt a warm glow in his heart to see Hope's apprehension of 'meeting the captain' fall away in the face of Jim's warm and easy-going demeanour.
After Spock – bless him for fully comprehending Hope's situation – had made the proper introductions, Kirk and the first officer involved her in a long conversation, in the course of which Hope seemed to gain back big chunks of her memory. McCoy could hardly contain his joy at seeing her so animated again, and grinned encouragingly at her, every time her eyes found his in search of support or approval.
Less than an hour later, Hope was already remembering all of her Academy years, the project she'd worked on the first year after graduating, and even the starbase she'd been stationed on before being allowed aboard the Enterprise. To her delight, all her linguistic knowledge seemed to be there, at least as far as the doctor could tell, but she still had difficulties remembering people. Almost everybody but her roommate Sarah and Admiral Dakunia were still nothing but a blur of names and faces to her.
Her own name, however, had started to sound familiar to her, and the sheer relief in her eyes, when she told them about it, had McCoy choke back tears. He didn't have the heart to tell her that this might just be a reaction to hearing them use it when addressing her.
Throughout their conversation, the doctor had his hands clasped tightly behind his back to keep from reaching out and touching her. And his fingers were starting to hurt from clenching his fists so hard. He could just hope that, at the rate things were coming back to her, it wouldn't be long until she remembered everything. Having to keep up this 'I'm just your doctor' act for much longer would all but kill him.
Tuning back into the conversation, McCoy heard Kirk say, "I'm very glad to see you're making such a speedy recovery, Hope, but, frankly, I wouldn't have expected anything less from someone who's able to catch up on 300 years while going through the full Academy programme."
All good intentions about not touching her were forgotten, when McCoy saw Hope freeze at the captain's words, the doctor's reassuring hand on hers before he even knew it. Of course, not remembering anything about her time on the Enterprise, the poor girl still thought she had to keep that damn secret.
"It's all right, love," the doctor said quickly, sitting down on the edge of her bed once more, and putting a gentle hand under her chin to make her look at him. "We know. It's not classified information anymore, Starfleet remedied that."
He didn't add how he'd had to enforce that to end her suffering, or how angry just the thought of what Starfleet had put her through still made him. What they were still putting her through, judging from the scared look on her face. She obviously had a hard time believing it was really okay to talk about her past.
The conversation became stilted after that, and looking at Hope's vitals, the doctor saw that she was starting to tire. She had still been in a coma only a couple of hours ago, after all.
"Gentlemen," McCoy said, getting up from the bed and looking meaningfully at Kirk and Spock, "I think we'll have to take a break now. My patient needs to rest."
Kirk nodded at Bones, then turned back to Hope to excuse himself and the first officer.
"I'm not a doctor, but I'd say you've made impressive progress during the past hour," the captain smiled. "Maybe we can continue our conversation soon, to bring back those last two years as well. I'm sure Bones here can't wait to …"
Kirk trailed off, when he saw McCoy frantically shaking his head, putting a silencing finger to his lips.
"Bones?" Hope asked, obviously confused, and again it was Spock who salvaged the situation by grasping the captain's arm and steering him towards the door.
"I think we really need to leave now, Captain," he said, nodding politely at Hope before turning around and stepping outside.
"I'll be back in a moment, all right?" McCoy told a bewildered Hope, before following Jim and Spock out of the room.
"What was that about, Bones?" Kirk demanded as soon as the doors had slid shut behind them. "Why did you shush me in there?"
"What do you think, Jim?" McCoy shot back. "You were going to blab about our…"
He threw Spock an uncertain glance.
"I'm well aware of your relationship, Doctor," the first officer stated calmly. "Maybe you should try to be more aware of my Vulcan hearing, next time you talk to someone when I'm in the room, too?"
"… relationship." McCoy finished, glaring at Spock but deciding that he didn't have the time for a clever retort.
"You mean she doesn't know? You didn't tell her?" Kirk gaped at him.
"Of course not!" McCoy stared at the captain in disbelief. "Or are you seriously suggesting I should have just said, 'Hello there, you don't remember me, but I'm not only your doctor but also your…'"
Kirk winced at the pain in McCoy's eyes as the doctor's voice trailed off again.
"Jim," McCoy went on in a calmer tone, "we can give her facts, help her with general information, about Starfleet, about her job and so on, but she needs to remember personal things by herself. We can't tell her what to feel! Or even force a relationship on her. As long as she doesn't remember me, much less how she felt about me, I can't be anything but her doctor."
"Jesus, Bones," the captain looked at his friend with compassion, "I'm so sorry. But I'm convinced she'll remember soon. Just think of the progress she's made in the short time we've been with her."
"Thanks Jim," McCoy said softly, itching to get back to Hope. "I'd better get back now, our knowing about her past seems to have rattled her a little."
When the doctor stepped back into Hope's room, she was still sitting up in bed, knees drawn up to her chest and hugging herself, slightly shivering with exhaustion and nerves, and it took every shred of his willpower not to race over and just gather her in his arms.
"Does it bother you that we know about your past?" he asked carefully, perching on the edge of her bed again and watching her face closely for any reaction.
"I don't know," Hope admitted, "It surprised me, I guess. Why did Starfleet change their mind about keeping it secret, anyway?"
She inched her hand closer to his until they almost touched, and McCoy was once again overwhelmed by his love for her and the burning need to give her security.
Tenderly covering her fingers with his, he looked straight into her eyes as he told her, "You bore the burden of that secret long enough, and when it was threatening to break you, you were given permission to tell us."
That was all she needed to know for the time being, although the doctor could tell from her face that she was waiting for details. The vulnerability of knowing less about herself than the people around her was clearly getting to her, and McCoy wished he had a way of simply returning her memories to her.
He knew her so well, knew that, at that moment, she wanted nothing more than to be held, desperately needed to be reassured that someone was looking out for her and would not let anyone take advantage of her current predicament.
Would it really be so terrible to hold her? Even as her doctor? She needed it, and he'd done it before. On several occasions and without feeling guilty. But it really had been platonic then. At least that's what he'd told himself. Now that he knew her so much better, had shared so many intimate moments with her, it would definitely be a challenge not to overstep the line once he gave in to his desire to be close to her.
"You should get some rest now, it's been quite a lot for you to take in today," he finally smiled, gently patting her hand, then casually added, "you look like you could really need a hug."
McCoy felt a wave of love and affection wash over him, as he watched Hope's eyes light up at his words, glad that he'd resolved to say them out loud.
"I really could," she smiled shyly, her face hopeful. "How did you know?"
"Told you I know you quite well, love," he grinned, trying hard not to sound too eager while opening his arms invitingly.
She only hesitated a moment before leaning into his embrace and melting into him when he closed his arms around her. The feeling was sheer bliss, and McCoy had to bite his lip hard not to let out a moan of pleasure at finally holding her close, the one thing he'd craved more than anything ever since she'd woken up hours before.
He let all the pent-up emotions of the past three days, all his love, and worry, and fear, and despair flow into his embrace, and was glad that she didn't seem to mind, as she snuggled against his chest, heaving the world's biggest sigh. And who knew? Maybe she'd even start to remember?
She didn't. But hurtful as it was to have to let her go again after only a couple of minutes, the feeling of her warm, familiar body against his, so full of life again, knowing that she enjoyed the hug and that he could make her feel safe, if only for the shortest time, was definitely worth it.