Today, Edward is eighteen.
I know it's just another year older, but he seems so extremely… old.
"I'm still sixteen," I tell him at midnight after I kiss him eighteen times and one for good luck.
"Not for long," he reasons.
I nod and accept that I can't change anything, especially time.
"Open your gift," I urge, passing him the gift bag with our bracelets in it.
He smiles softly and kisses me once on the lips as he tears at tissue paper. He pulls out the small, beaded bracelet and stares quietly.
"You hate it."
He shakes his head. "I love it, actually."
"These beads are made from volcano ash and the sand from the beach here. The lady said it's like a friendship bracelet but better. I got one for you and one for me."
I help him put it on before he puts mine on. Edward stares deeply and fingers the beads.
"I also got one for Al and Jas. Since this is your guys' last year before college or whatever… I wanted to make sure we stay together forever. No matter what."
When he kisses me finally that night, he whispers gentle, caring breaths into my ear full of i-love-you's and my-sweet-princess-girl.
~!~
On our last day at the beach, we spend the afternoon burying each other in the sand, floating in the ocean, capturing our trip with pictures, and drinking more saltwater than any beachgoer should.
"Thanks for inviting me," I tell Mr. and Mrs. Cullen as we pack up the SUV the last night. "I'll never forget this trip."
Mrs. Cullen smiles and pulls me in for a hug as Mr. Cullen says, "you're absolutely welcome, Bella."
~!~
The beginning of August brings heat and humidity.
Alice spends a lot of time at my house.
"Come over," she begs.
"Can't. I feel guilty since I just got back from vacation with you guys."
"Fine. I'll come to you."
And that's usually how it goes.
Today, it's me, mom, and Al making banana bread in the kitchen.
"Oh man, Jas is going to love this!"
She pulls out her phone and types away before stirring the batter.
Mom smiles at Alice's tasteless comments and laughs when Alice licks from the spoon.
There's a knock on the door and mom goes to answer it.
"It's the boys," Alice says. "I told them to come over so your mom will want to make more."
"Smart," I commend.
Just as Alice suspects, mom wants to bake extra loaves for everyone. Jasper and Edward don't complain.
"Hi, Pretty," Edward whispers gently from behind when mom goes to wash her hands.
"Hi, Handsome."
~!~
I turn seventeen in the middle of a thunderstorm.
We have cake and mom and dad surprise me with a 2000 Chrysler Sebring.
"A convertible?" I gasp, letting the rain wet my hair. Mom walks over and covers me with an umbrella.
"Can't use it today, but yeah," dad says awkwardly.
I leap over and wrap my arms around him. I kiss his cheek and shiver when he rubs his beard against me.
"Thank you, dad."
"You're welcome, Bells," he says back, squeezing my body to his and holding onto his daughter who is growing up right before his eyes.
"A freaking convertible?" Alice screams, running out of the house, mouth full of funfetti cake.
Alice and I spend the next hour sitting in my new car, wishing the rain would lighten up enough to try out the convertible.
Look at you Edward texts from the porch of his house.
Come over here and kiss me, Edward I send back.
Soon.
~!~
Alice loves to go for late night drives in my new, old car.
"Let's take B's car," she says just before the sun sets on the last night of summer. Alice wants to go to the beach and get drunk off lakeside breezes and sand in our toes.
"Be careful," dad says, wrapping his arm around mom's shoulders as he watches me reverse. Jasper and Edward sit in the backseat, my best girl to my right. This is everything I've ever wanted… well, almost.
Down the road, at the gas station, Alice hops out to grab some snacks, and Edward takes her spot.
"Hey, summertime girl," he whispers, pulling me in, his lips whisper love against my jaw and my ear and finally my lips.
Now, this is everything I've ever wanted.
~!~
La Push is dead. We're the only car in the lot, and I'm more than happy.
Edward plucks me away from my friends, walking down the beach to a place more private. I'm pulled down between his legs, resting against his chest. Large, muscled arms circle my neck, and his lips kiss my hair. My arms lift to grip his forearms.
My tan has already begun to fade back to creamy, pale milk. My toenails are highlighter yellow, thanks to Alice, and my breaths are seventeen-and-free calm.
"I think your dad's ready to realize," Edward tells me, kissing my neck.
"Realize what, Edward?"
I can feel his smirk against my skin. "Realize I've been corrupting his daughter since we moved next door."
I laugh softly. "You haven't been corrupting me, Edward."
"You used to be a nice girl," he teases.
"And what am I now?"
"My dirty little—"
"Edward," I say, slapping his arm.
He laughs loudly and pulls me back with him. Now, we're on our backs, watching the sun set before us.
"Do you think it'll always be like this?" I ask just as orange bleeds into pink.
"Like what?"
I take a breath and smile. "Lovely."
His fingers find mine in the sand. "Forever."
~!~
Now that Edward's a senior, coaches from every university show up to his games and even some come to practices. They're recruiting him as early as they can, even if Edward has said no.
"Son, be smart," Mr. Cullen says one night in October over dinner. A recruiter from Wittman College just left, disappointed in Edward's response.
"You name a price, we'll match it," the recruiter told his dad, or so Edward tells me.
"I'm not going there," Edward says over a mouthful of a green beans. "I'm going to the University of Washington."
"Why are you dead set on this school?"
"Whitman is too expensive—"
"You're get a free ride," Mrs. Cullen interrupts. And then it hits her. "Oh. Oh—"
"Bella and I are going to the University of Washington," Edward finalizes.
"Edward, please don't—" I stop myself, shaking my head. "If this is where you want to go—" I can't find the words, so I just say it. "Don't pick a school just for me. We'll be okay wherever you go, whatever you choose. Do what will make you happiest."
He puts his piece of garlic bread down and bows his head. When he looks back up, his eyes are clearer than I've ever seen. Blue oceans, tidal waves, sea breeze kindness.
"I want to go to the University of Washington with my girl. When I meet with Jason from U Dub, I will tell him my stipulations if they want to sign me."
"What are the stipulations?" I ask.
Edward looks from me to his dad and back.
His cocky smirk makes my pulse rush. "An apartment off campus and two public transportation vouchers."
"Two?" I ask.
"One for me. One for you."
"Edward—"
"We'll need it if we're living off campus, Bella," he says, stabbing his meatloaf and eating like he didn't just drop this on me.
I look at Mr. Cullen and he's watching me. I'm completely taken aback and stunned.
"Come on," he says, rolling his eyes. "When you start college with me, we'll be staying at your dorm or mine anyways, so let's just save the bullshit of roommates and write this into my contract. You won't have to worry about paying for a dorm."
Edward's really thought his whole thing through.
I shake my head with a laugh. "My dad will never go for this."
Edward shrugs. "You'll be eighteen. What's he going to do, kick you out?"
Edward's wink is cockier than his smile and the butterflies flutter around my belly.
~!~
Later than night, Edward kisses down my body, licking behind my knees, biting my inner thigh, tasting my folds. He puts his hand over my mouth when he makes me come.
"Just think, Bella," Edward says with a smile before he slips his cock into me, "when we live together, you can be as loud as you want."
He pushes me down into his mattress, holding my wrists above my head, kissing my neck. My legs wrap around his hips like a present.
"Harder," I whimper, thinking about what living together would be like. "Faster," I say, imagining us in the kitchen on the counter, in the bathroom against the frosted shower door, on our very own couch. "Fuck me," I moan.
Edward sits up, resting back on his knees. He takes my legs and puts them on his shoulders, cupping my hips and resting my bottom on his thighs. Edward pounds into me, watches my face contort as he slips in and out, my arousal permeating the room.
He opens his mouth to command me to come, but I'm already there.
"Fuck yes," he groans, slamming into me harder, faster, biting my ankle as his come spills into me.
~!~
At the end of October, Edward signs with University of Washington. They offer him everything he requests and then some. The school also offers to provide housing for family members if they come to any game in the season, a rental car, and free dinner at a local restaurant after every home game.
The signing party happens after school in the gym on Friday. Everyone comes. Everyone.
Forks has never seen anything like this. They've never had anyone like Edward before, and I tell him so.
"Not true," he tells me in the bathroom, kissing down my neck, tugging at my curls and slipping his fingers up the bottom of my dress. "They have you."
I fall to my knees and unzip Edward's slacks. He's hard, his erection strains against the uncomfortable fabric of his pants, and I need to taste him on my tongue. I need to make him feel even a fraction of how good he makes me feel always. Edward's eyes are lidded as he gazes down. I roll my tongue over the head, swallowing the flavor that weeps from the tip.
"You have to be quick," I tell him, glancing up, licking my lips, cupping his balls with my free hand. Edward grunts, licking his lips, thrusting his cock between my lips. "My parents will wonder where I am," I say before engulfing his whole length.
"Mmm," he groans, placing his hand on the back of my head. "That would be a shame, Pretty."
~!~
When Edward walks back into the party just minutes after I do, journalists and news anchors take their turns interviewing him. I stand behind and watch with Alice who does nothing but beam at her older brother. Her smile is infectious. I wonder briefly if they'd ever guess this girl just swallowed his come on her knees in the girl's room.
"What will you miss most about Forks when you leave to attend University of Washington?" a news anchor asks this final question, shoving the mic right in front of Edward's mouth.
He coughs slightly and rubs his jaw. One hand in his gray slacks, his crisp white shirt rolled up to his elbow. Edward's tie is looser than before he met me in the bathroom, and I think about those fingers and where they just were. He bites his nail as he thinks and then his tongue slips out to taste the pad of his finger with me still on it. Edward's head snaps up suddenly and he's smiling devilishly.
"My girlfriend," he says, looking right at me.
"And what's her name?" the anchor asks.
Alice grips my hand. He wouldn't, would he?
"I'd like to keep that part of my life private… for now," he says articulately, and the breath I was holding slips from my lips slowly. "But she's been my cheerleader for years, my biggest fan. I'm here right now because of her."
Tears rim my eyes.
Even Alice says, "Awe."
When interviews are over, my dad walks over to Edward and shakes his hand firmly.
"Congratulations, Edward," he says with a nod. "I can tell you've made your family very proud."
Edward smiles and nods. "Thank you, sir. I try my best. I want to set myself up so that I can take care of my family now and my family in the future."
"Good plan," dad says. He's still looking, and Edward's still smiling. When Edward looks at me, his smile widens, and dad follows his gaze. I turn quickly to talk to Jasper.
"What's going on?" I ask, nervous, biting my nails.
Jasper smiles and pulls my fingers from my lips. "Relax," he tells me.
In this moment, I notice Jasper's eyes are sunken in and tired. He has bags of blue and purple underneath and I tilt my head to the side.
"Are you okay?" I softly.
"Perfectly," he says, smiling gently.
I pull his hand up, showing him the bracelet I gave him last month. "We're always together, Jasper. Always. You don't have to fight this alone."
"I know, B," he says, and this time his smile reaches his eyes. "You're the best thing that ever happened to him." He pulls me in, tucking my head under his chin. "Take care of our boy, Bella."
"Only if you promise you to take care of our girl?" I ask, looking over to Alice who chats animatedly with her mom.
"I promise to never promise more than I can deliver, but I promise to deliver more than I can promise," he says with a smile.
"What?" I ask, shaking my head.
His laugh is real this time, and he turns me around to face my boy who's still chatting with my dad off to the side. What are they talking about?
I watch with rapt attention as they talk for twenty more minutes. I'm on my second glass of lemonade when mom comes up next to me. Dad's face is expressionless, and Edward stands with his back to me, so I have no freaking idea.
"Mom, go over there," I tell her.
I think maybe she's about to when dad glances behind Edward and makes eye contact with my mom. Edward shakes my dad's hand once more and walks over to Jasper.
"Ready?" dad asks, grabbing mom's hand.
"I-I guess," I stutter. "Let me just say bye—"
"We'll meet you at the car," he says, not meeting my eyes.
I walk over to Alice and hug her. "That was weird?" I say, confusion written all over me.
"Your dad's an odd one. Good luck getting anything out of him."
Jasper hugs me and passes me to Edward.
His arms wrap around my waist and I whisper, "did you tell him?"
"Tell him what, Pretty?"
"About us!"
"Whatever do you mean?" He's playing dumb and I can't believe this.
"Edward!" I tell him, nervous tears coat my eyes.
"I love you," he whispers.
The ride home is quiet. Mom asks dad questions and he answers with one word. Dad isn't a man of many words to begin with, so this isn't unusually unusual, but I'm beginning to feel a little sick, and that's my excuse to get away when we get home.
After eleven, Edward calls me.
"Was tonight everything you hoped for?" I ask.
I hear the familiar sound of a lighter igniting and the burn of paper before he inhales deeply.
"Yes," he tells me, blowing out smoke.
"Are you smoking?" I ask.
"Yes," he laughs.
I give him a few minutes to smoke his joint, listening intently on the way the paper screeches so high pitched it's almost quiet.
"So, Pretty, want to go on a date with me?"
"Okay," I giggle out.
"Alright. I'll pick you up at seven tomorrow night," he says through an exhale.
"What—Edward no, we can't."
"Sure we can. I already asked your dad."
"Wh-wha- what? H-how? When? W-what?" I stutter out.
He laughs at me now. "Earlier tonight, when we were talking. He told me he was proud of everything I've accomplished, and I just fucking did it, Bella. I said, 'Chief, I really would like your permission to ask Bella out.' And then his cheeks got really fucking red and his eyes got all big and then I said, 'I think she's the smartest, gentlest, most selfless person I've ever met.' And then his eyes softened and he looked at you when you were talking to Jasper and he pulled me aside and threatened to chop my dick off and make me eat it if I misplaced a hair on your body, Bella." He sort of laughs now. "Good thing your pussy is bare, huh baby?" he whispers.
"He knows?" I ask, flabbergasted. "My dad knows?"
"I mean, he doesn't know know, but he knows I want to take you out, and that's enough for now, isn't it?"
I'm nearly crying now. Tears of frustration and years of secrets and the relief that he did it, Edward actually did it, finally roll down my cheeks.
"Oh, fuck, Bella. I'm sorry—should I not have— is it bad? Shit. I'm sorry."
"No," I tell him, catching my breath. "No. Thank you. I'm just… relieved."
He lets me calm down slowly, taking deeper breaths than normal, swallowing my anxiety and panic.
"So he said yes?" I ask.
"He did."
"Where are we going?"
"Does my bedroom count?" he jokes.
"Maybe after," I tell him.
"Everything changes after tomorrow. You know that, right? No more coming over whenever, no more sleepovers, no more unrestricted time with me over here. Your dad will know. He probably won't let you over here again," Edward jokes and I nod my head.
"You're right."
After a long pause, he whispers, "just keep your window unlocked, Pretty."
~!~
The next morning, I hide upstairs, and by the time I come down, dad left to run to the store.
"So, Edward finally asked him, huh?" mom says with a smile over a cup of coffee.
"What did dad say?"
"Well, first he said he was going to call Edward and tell him to go to hell, but after a while, like a long while, like just this morning, he said 'Edward's not the worst guy for her to date, right?' and then he left."
"Is he going to make it a big deal?" I ask mom.
"Probably. You know where he went right?"
"No."
"The gun store."
I slap my hand over my forehead and wallow.
It's just before six and there's a knot so tight in my stomach I run to the bathroom to throw up. I'm just being dramatic. I don't really throw up, but I want to. I'm in black tights, a burgundy sweater dress, and boots. I curl and re-curl and re-re-curl the ends of my hair until the ends are fried and I hear a knock on my front door.
I've never seen Edward so fucking excited Alice texted me an hour ago.
I'm at the top of the stairs when my dad pulls the door open, arms crossed, waiting.
"Hi, Chief Swan," Edward says. His voice is muffled from this distance.
"Edward," dad says.
"I'm here to—"
"I know why you're here."
Dad's body stands stoic, like a piece of marble, unmoving at the front door. Mom walks over and greets Edward politely.
"Hi, Mrs. Swan. I'm here to take Bella out."
"Of course, Edward. Please come in."
I grab my phone and my purse before making my way down the stairs.
"I've got a .45 and a shovel in the garage," my dad threatens. "If you hurt my daughter—"
"Never," Edward interrupts.
"I don't mean just tonight."
"So do I," Edward agrees.
I make my way down the steps, and Edward comes into view as I round the corner. In his arms is the biggest bouquet full of daisies and sunflowers and chrysanthemums and roses.
I smile as he hands them to me. "I tried to find flowers that are as beautiful as you," he tells me. "Turns out they don't exist."
Dad rolls his eyes, mom moans an "awe" and I smile like a fool. I fight the urge to stand on my tippiest of toes and kiss that smile off his face. Edward's eyes are cool ocean green, his crisp blue shirt tucks into his tight, pressed khakis. My boy looks good.
"Ready?" he asks.
"Yes."
"Home before ten," dad says, walking us out onto the porch. "Wait. Bella?" he calls.
I turn anxiously. Please don't, dad. Please just let me go.
"Have fun," he says with a resigned smile. Mom walks over to him, saddles up to his side, and rubs his chest. It's done.
I hold my breath until Edward reverses, and we take off down the street. I look behind, and dad's still outside watching Edward's car drive down the road.
"Think he'll wait out there all night?" I ask Edward.
He smiles and shrugs because probably.
Edward takes my hand in his and kisses the back. His lips feel like the way butter melts on warm pancakes.
"We did it," he tells me. "We fucking did it."
I'm so happy I could cry.
Edward takes me to the diner where we share a strawberry milkshake and fries. I'm not hungry in the slightest.
We don't have time to drive to La Push and back, so we settle for cuddling up in the weeds just outside the school. He lays a blanket out and pulls me to him.
"Indian Summer came late this year, huh?" I ask as he nibbles the little spot where my neck meets my jaw.
His answer is to lay me down and kiss me hard.
"Remember when I used to make you come like this?" he asks, pushing his center into mine.
With legs spread and my dress hiked up, I gasp. "On the first date, Edward? What kind of girl do you take me as?" I joke.
He laughs into my neck and rolls to his side on the blanket. I feel the strain of his erection in his pants graze my hip.
"Good point. I shouldn't drop you off with your pussy juice all over my crotch on the first date, should I?"
"Definitely not," I laugh back.
We spend the rest of the time talking about school and what he'll major in. We talk about school without him next year, and how hard it's going to be not seeing each other every day. We talk about facetime sex and make a list of all the places we want to do that.
"My car," he says.
"My car," I tell him.
"The basketball court at school."
"The meadow."
"Our apartment."
"Our apartment," I agree, grabbing his hand and rubbing it against my cheek.
"Time to go, Pretty," he tells me softly, helping me off the ground and throwing the blanket in the back of the car.
We're quiet, easy, on the way home. His fingers grip my knee as his keys windchime against each other with every turn.
The last of our simplicity leaves as we turn onto our street.
Blue and red illuminate the space between his house and mine.
Who's is it? We both think quietly to ourselves.
There's a rock in my belly, a knot, an anchor sinking to the bottom of the ocean.
We park in his driveway and run out, but I don't know where to go.
I'm bolting into my house and mom's sitting on the couch, tears crying down her cheeks, phone in her hand.
"I just tried calling you."
"Where's dad?" I ask.
Goosebumps swell every hair follicle on my body. My skin hurts.
"Next door," she says with a dry swallow.
Suddenly, my vision tunnels and the only thing I can think is Jasper.
My feet don't carry me fast enough. Alice breaks out onto the porch and falls, skinning her knees, onto the driveway where our boys spent summer after summer shooting hoops, laughing at our tan lines, spilling our lemonade.
Dressed in his Chief jacket, badges shining under the Cullen's porch light, my dad and two EMT workers wheel out a body on a stretcher. No black bag. No white blanket.
Alive.
It's what I think over and over as I run to Alice.
I wrap around her like a cloak shielding her from pain, but I have the opposite effect. As soon as my arms snake around her, Alice lets out a wail that pushes me back.
Her voice so loud it makes my ears ring.
She does it again.
And again.
And then I squeeze her so hard she gags.
Her arms grip mine. Her nails dig into me. She scratches me, trying to pull me closer and closer until I'm inside her, squelching the blaze of pain that licks at every organ.
She coughs and coughs and I think for a moment she might throw up, but her arms pinch me tighter, higher. We're standing and running to the ambulance. We awkwardly fall and untangle. She crawls without me up the edge and screams for him.
I watch his finger twitch, but there's no relief.
"Why?" she cries. "Why!" she screams over and over.
Dad pulls her up and restrains her.
"They're taking him to the hospital," he says loudly. "They're going to help him." He says again. "They're going to get him help."
I feel huge arms wrap around me and wetness at my neck. I turn quickly and Edward's there. His arms aren't as tight as Alice's were, but mine are. I can't get close enough to him, to heal him, to absorb his pain.
Everything happens so quickly, but I feel like I'm moving in slow motion.
I can't make sense of anything.
He cries loudly into my neck and the only thing I can think is we should have been here.
My boy can't catch his breath. His anxiety spikes. He's hyperventilating. He releases me and grabs his chest.
My dad brings Alice to Mrs. Cullen and runs to Edward.
Dad walks him backwards to sit on the porch steps, unbuttons the top two buttons of his shirt, and nudges his legs apart.
"Head between your legs, Edward. In and out. With me, son. Match my breaths. In through your nose," dad pauses to breathe deeply, "and out through your mouth."
Dad sits next to Edward, arm around him, rubbing his back. I hear Edward's cries soften by the time my mom scoops me into her arms.
"I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry."
"Wh-what happened, mom?"
I need to hear it. I need to hear confirmation. Someone needs to say the words out loud.
She pulls me back and just stares. Her cheeks are rosy red and her eyes as shiny as glass.
"Jasper—he—they… Mr. Cullen," and not even she can get it out.
I turn around and look to Mrs. Cullen who soothes Alice, laying against the blacktop of the road where the ambulance races off. I look forward at my dad who embraces Edward in tight bear hug as Edward attempts to catch his breath, warring with God, asking him to save his best friend, his brother.
"Please," Edward gasps. "Please," he yells. "Don't take him," Edward breaks.
Dad holds him tighter and whispers and whispers and whispers.
Mom holds me close to her and asks, "are you okay?"
And I have no fucking idea.
"What happened!" my voice grows louder. I still need to hear it. Say the words.
Mrs. Cullen picks Alice up and walks over to my mom.
"Carlisle went with the ambulance. I don't—should I—what do I do, Renee?" Mrs. Cullen asks, barely keeping herself together as Alice cries into her chest.
"Come over," mom says, ushering her there. "I'll put on some coffee, wine, whatever you need we're here."
I grab Alice and pull her to me. We sit on the couch and I let her cry into me. I wonder where Edward is. I need him. He needs me.
"Whathappened?" I ask the girl who I know has the answer. The only one with balls enough to say it.
"I was upstairs for twenty minutes taking a shower and when I came down, his lips were blue. Blue!" she cries again. "I screamed so loud. I called for my dad. I screamed so loud your dad heard," she says again, catching her breath.
"Mom did CPR, dad made me call 9-1-1 while he ran to his office. He gave him Narcan. He overdosed, Bella. He overdosed." There it is. All the air leaves my lungs when she says it. "He wasn't breathing. He didn't have a pulse. He died, Bella! He was fucking dead."
"Not anymore," I tell her, grabbing her face, making her look at me. "Not anymore."
Mrs. Cullen sits next to Alice and cries with her daughter. I take the opportunity to find my boy.
"They're still next door," mom says, pouring two cups of coffee.
What are they doing? I wonder briefly.
It's ten more minutes before they appear. Alice falls asleep on my couch, her mom not far behind.
Edward stands awkwardly in my living room, dad near him, hands in his pocket.
I look from my dad to my boyfriend and back.
Dad's eyes are glassy, and his nose is red. His jacket soaked with tears from every Cullen.
Edward's worse for wear. His cheeks red and puffy, irritated. His lips rose-red-bitten to shreds. His eyes blue with regret.
"Can I talk to Bella outside?" he asks quietly.
I stand before dad nods.
We're on the porch steps, his arm around my back pulling me closer. No words are needed, but Edward tries.
"I can't… he didn't… I just… I'm so…" but no words are right in this moment.
"It's okay, Edward," I tell him softly. Edward understands. He nods. He always understands. "Somethings you just can't speak about."
He nods again.
We're outside for a good twenty minutes before mom brings us a blanket. He wraps it around our backs and snuggles me closer.
"I can't believe he actually fucking did it," Edward says, his breath catching in his throat.
I have no words at all. What could I say in this moment to make it better? Absolutely nothing.
"The only thing I can think is 'why?'" Edward breathes in through his nose, out through his mouth like my dad taught him.
"I'm not sure we'll ever know the real answer to that question."
"How can I go away to school—how can I leave him?" he asks.
"You can and you will. You've worked too hard—"
"He has no one—"
"He has Alice and your parents and me. He has support. He needs to use it."
Edward sighs. "How'd you get so smart?" he asks after a while.
I shrug and think about the way my dad kept his cool in the crisis. "Guess it runs in my family," I tell him honestly.
Edward nods immediately. "It does."
~!~
Edward and I sit outside until our bones can't take it anymore. When we move in, Mrs. Cullen gets a call from her husband.
"He's asleep, he's stable," she breathes gently. "He's agreed to treatment."
"He already—" Edward starts but his mom cuts him off with a shake of her head.
"He's agreed to go to Ocean Recovery in Florida, Edward."
This shuts him up. Edward blows out a breath and runs a hand through his hair.
When he cries, this time it's out of relief.
~!~
Jasper's in the hospital for two full days and is allowed only visits from Mr. and Mrs. Cullen.
"I'm not allowed?" Alice yells at her dad.
"For good reason, Alice. He's… fragile right now."
"This is bullshit!" she yells. "He's my boyfriend!"
"If you'd like to write him a letter, I'd be glad to give it to him—"
Alice stomps up the stairs and slams her door shut.
"I can't see him either?" Edward asks quietly next to me.
"I'm afraid not, son."
Edward nods and stands. "You coming, B?" he asks at the doorway of his dad's office.
I stand to go but Mr. Cullen interrupts. "I'd like to talk to Bella for a moment, if you don't mind?" I agree. "Please shut my door, Edward."
Edward does so and I hear his feet padding up the steps to his room.
"Please don't let wat we discuss leave this room, Bella." I nod again. "I lied," he starts, "Jasper isn't forbidden from seeing guests, he simply chooses not to."
"Oh," I say softly.
"He doesn't want to see anyone but you."
"Me?"
Mr. Cullen nods. "He asked me to tell you to please come see him."
"Isn't he getting out soon?"
"He is," Mr. Cullen nods, "but he's going from the hospital to the airport. He won't be coming home before rehab."
"Oh," I say softly again.
"So, if you'd like to see him, it must be before he leaves tomorrow morning."
I check the time on my phone. It's just after six in the evening.
"Can I go now?" I ask.
He nods. "I'll notify the floor that you'll be arriving soon."
"Edward will—"
"I'll tell him your dad asked you to come home."
I nod and stand quickly. I'm scared to see him, to see Jasper, but he wants to see me, and I want to do this for him.
I drive my car to the hospital and rush to the elevator. I hit floor seven and when I arrive, I tell the nurse at the front desk. She shows me to room 708 where Jasper is sitting up in his bed, flipping through the stations on the small TV bolted to the wall on the left.
When he sees me, Jasper shuts it off and throws his legs over the bed, standing.
"Can you—"
"I overdosed, B, but I'm not a cripple," he jokes.
"Glad your sense of humor is still in there," I tell him.
He stands in front of me and we both smile.
"Hi," he says.
"Hi," I say back.
He suddenly pulls me to him, hugging me tight, warming my soul in a way no one else can. It's this moment I choose to break.
Emotionally, I've kept it together for my parents, supported Alice, and held Edward's heart in my hands, but now I need this. Now is my turn to fall and burn and the person there to pick me up just so happens to be the one to cause it.
"Fuck," Jasper says softly. "Fuck, Bella." Jasper's arms tighten. "Let it out."
I do. I pull at his shirt, scratch at his back, scrape my fingers down his arms, and let it out into his chest.
"Why, Jasper?" I ask softly. "I love you so much. Why?"
He hugs and soothes and shushes me as we gently rock back and forth. I ask him over and over, but he never responds. I just need to know. I just want to know. I just—
"When I was ten, just before we moved here, I found my mom on the kitchen floor in a pool of her own vomit. She was practically foaming at the mouth. Her lips were blue. Her skin was white, clammy, warm." He pauses to breathe. "I called 9-1-1 and followed the dispatcher's directions for CPR. She started breathing and came to within 30 seconds. She took one look at me and cried. She yelled, 'why didn't you just let me die?' over and over until the ambulance came." He pauses again, rubbing my back. "When I was eleven, she did it again, but she left a note. Be better than me it said and nothing else. She was locked in her bathroom with a needle in her arm. She was breathing this time, and it took me a full minute to decide if I should call 9-1-1." He swallows against my shoulder. "When I was thirteen, she gave me my first beer. When I was fourteen, she told me to smoke weed. When I started doing pills, she asked to buy some from me. Every time she overdosed, the hospital asked her what rehab she wanted to be sent to and she always gave them our address. My mom never took it seriously."
"What?" I ask quietly, hugging him to me.
"Anything. Her life. Addiction. Me! It was always some fucking joke. She used to love when my dad would beat the shit out of her, wanna know why?" He doesn't let me respond. "Because it was an excuse to come here and get pain pills. My mom used to get so fucking mad when I intervened before he knocked her the fuck out. If I stopped him, she wouldn't get her fix. She hated me for that. I never fucking dealt with that shit, B. Never. When I was removed and placed with the Cullens, I was scared. I was scared that I would fall into the same pattern as my mom. I was scared I'd become her. Edward kept my secrets from everyone. Alice turned a blind eye when shit got really real. Mr. and Mrs. Cullen were too scared to say anything or bring it up. But you, Bella, you were never afraid to tell me I was being dumb, or ask me if I was okay, and I'm sorry for not confiding in you, for answering for real, because the truth is I'm not okay. I'm still this fucked up monster who paints on a smile and dresses in expensive clothes and lives in a big house. I'm still my mom's son."
"You're nothing like her."
"I'm everything like her," he corrects. "But not anymore. I'm done with that shit. I'm done with that life. I feel so fucking old, Bella, and I shouldn't. I'm eighteen and feel exhausted. I gotta get help. I need to leave this place, Bella, and I can't tell Edward or Alice because they'll try to fix me and you see how well that worked out."
My heart breaks. It literally feels like it's ripping at the seams. My heart is a pumping, bleeding, organ that falls right into my belly. "When are you coming back?" I ask, scared of the answer. I swallow thickly. What will Edward do? How will Alice take it?
"I don't know," he says honestly. "Mr. Cullen says after my three months are up at rehab, they can put me up in an apartment until I can get on my feet. Anywhere I want. I was thinking Utah or Idaho. Maybe Montana."
"You—you're not coming back?"
Jasper's smile is sad and telling and then soft tears fall from the middle of his eyes, overflowing waves crash onto the beach and he hugs me.
"You've always been my favorite, my number zero," he says softly. "The girl who helped me realize I'm worth something."
"Jasper," I say, I break, I crumble. I can't say goodbye. "What—how—what do I tell Alice?"
He shakes his head. "Tell her I'm getting better. Tell her I'll come back to her when I'm ready. Make her believe she's worth something, Bella. I love her more than all the stars in every galaxy on this universe and the next. Alice is the most special piece of my heart, and we both need this. She needs time to heal from me, from what I've caused. Maybe she won't even want me after al this."
"You won't be gone forever then?"
"No," he says with a laugh and a shake of his head. "I just can't come back here after rehab. I can't be around those same people. I need a fresh start. Mr. Cullen says I deserve one."
"You do," I tell him. "You're worth it. Will you call?"
He nods. "When I can."
"I love you so much, Jasper."
"You've always been my family, Bella. I love you." I'm quiet as I accept. "If you need me, just touch the bracelet, B. Always together, remember? Distance won't separate us."
I spend the rest of the evening with him. He sketches for me as I sit in the corner, watching him. Taking in his smile and his fingers and his long locks. Before I leave, he gives me four letters and says, "give these to them tomorrow."
I nod and when I say goodbye, it feels like a long, long time.
~!~
In my car, I sit quietly, content, scared, happy, anxious, mad, relieved.
I flip through the envelopes with names scrolled in black ink.
Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, my rescuers.
Edward, my brother, my best friend.
Alice, my love.
Bella, my favorite.
I don't wait or think twice as gently tear it open.
Bella,
The best.
The most.
The sweetest.
My kindred sister.
Take care of our friends. Let them be mad. Let them call me names. Let them accept on their own time. Anger is easy, acceptance is much harder. They aren't you, but they need you.
Make sure Alice smiles, and call her a bitch when she deserves it, and ask her if she wants to paint because she really likes it.
Make sure Edward laughs, and tell him he's dumb for not telling your dad sooner (I always knew he'd accept you two), and make sure he doesn't put basketball before you ever.
You are the sun, Bella.
Shine.
I'll see you, B.
Jasper.
~!~
I pull into my driveway and have nowhere to go.
I don't want to answer a million questions from my parents right now, and Edward thinks I had to leave, so I sit in my car still, reading and rereading Jasper's note.
After an hour, I watch Mr. Cullen step onto his porch and sit on the swing, and before I can stop myself, my legs carry my body over to him.
In front of him, sad, deflated, empty, Mr. Cullen says, "I see he told you, then."
I nod and Mr. Cullen pats the spot next to him on the swing.
"He'll be okay, right?"
"I think this is what he needed all along."
"A break?"
"A chance to heal from a childhood of shame, addiction, rejection."
It makes sense.
"Alice is going to lose it."
"We can deal with her," Mr. Cullen smiles. "She's always been a bit dramatic."
His words pull a laugh out of me.
"Edward will be…"
"Relieved," Mr. Cullen finishes quietly. "He will no longer have to carry the weight and anxiety of his biggest fear on his back. He cares so deeply about everything,"
I nod and smile. "It's my favorite thing about it," I admit.
Mr. Cullen smiles back. "Mine too, Bella."