No more partial scripts - from here on out, it's Page One rewrites until the finale.
So, Eric's been on a different track to teaching in this timeline, but is the destination any different? And what happened to Jackie and Hyde - I thought this was supposed to be a Zen rewrite? Well, read on, friends. Read on...
SHOW TITLE
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT
The gang, hanging out. JACKIE ruffles around in the deep freeze, HYDE reads a magazine in his chair, and DONNA and FEZ watch TV from the couch.
KELSO enters from the basement door and throws himself down in the lawn chair.
KELSO:
Okay, I'm breaking up with Angie. All we have anymore is hot sex.
FEZ:
Hot sex? All I have is hot soup. Can't make love to that. Too damn hot.
DONNA:
So, Kelso, you gonna break up with her your usual way - send a note saying you got kidnapped by kung fu robots?
KELSO:
No, it won't work with her. She doesn't even believe in kung fu robots. Just gonna have to talk to her.
DONNA:
Wow, Kelso. I thought your usual Plan B was to have one of us tell the girl you're dead. And then when she eventually sees you, you have us tell her you're a ghost.
Jackie crosses across the room to stand behind Kelso.
JACKIE:
Michael, why don't you do what you did with me: toilet paper my house!
She smacks him upside the head, then steps back to lean on the door.
KELSO:
I can't do that to Angie. I respect her too much 'cause she agreed to have sex with me so fast.
ERIC enters from the stairs. He has a stack of papers in his hand and a glum look on his face.
ERIC:
Hey! Bad news.
KELSO:
Your mom changed her mind about making blueberry cobbler?
FEZ:
No, she made it. I would know – I ate it. All of it.
Eric, ignoring them, jumps over the back of the couch to sit next to Donna. He throws the papers down on the coffee table.
ERIC:
No. I've been working on a budget, and I don't know if I'm gonna be able to pay for college.
DONNA:
Didn't your parents hang on to your college money after you had to stay home the last time?
ERIC:
Yeah, but – see, remember how I sold your engagement ring to pay for my year off?
JACKIE:
How could we forget? Donna made jewelry history – the world's smallest diamond for the world's worst wedding.
ERIC:
Well, the pawn shop must have thought so too, because it turns out what you get for a used engagement ring isn't enough to support yourself for a year – even with living at home with your mommy. And after calling her "mommy" and going to a macramé class, my mom turned over my college account to me without telling Red. I started using that money to get by, and now there's not enough left to pay for college.
DONNA:
Eric, don't worry. There are plenty of ways to get money for school.
HYDE:
Yeah, man. You could always get a football scholarship.
JACKIE:
Hey, look, he weighs about as much as a football, and people do like to kick him.
She crosses the room to sit in Hyde's lap, stopping to pat Eric on the shoulder on the way.
FEZ:
(to Eric)
I know what you should do. You should go to Hollywood and become the next Gene Wilder. That guy's a laugh riot.
JACKIE:
You know, Eric, we all had to meet with the guidance counselor before the end of high school to talk about college. Maybe you should go see him.
DONNA:
Yeah. Finding money for college is what high school guidance counselors do.
HYDE:
Yeah, they also spend a lot of time staring at themselves in the mirror saying, "I can't believe I'm a high school guidance counselor."
ERIC:
The high school guidance counselor? Who is that? Is that still Mr. Bray?
(Jackie nods)
I don't know about Mr. Bray. I don't think he really liked me. One time I told him I was being bullied, and he just said, "what'd you expect?"
JACKIE:
Look, Eric, Mr. Bray asked to see me tomorrow about an opportunity for my public access show. Why don't you come with me to my appointment? I'm sure he'll help. He loves me. In almost entirely appropriate ways.
Hyde gives Jackie a look; she looks back and shrugs.
KELSO:
Hey, people, how'd we get side-tracked? We're forgetting what's really important here – how I'm gonna break up with Angie.
HYDE:
(to Kelso)
Look, I don't care how you do it. I'm just happy you won't be violating my sister anymore.
KELSO:
Yeah, I know you hated it, Hyde. I would have broken up with her sooner if I didn't find it so hilarious.
Hyde crumples up his magazine and chucks it at Kelso, beaning him in the head.
KELSO (cont'd):
You be nice, or I will marry her.
MAIN CREDITS
BUMPER
INT. GROOVES - DAY
The next morning. A brisk business at Grooves. Customers peruse the crates. Hyde and ANGIE keep an eye on things from the listening pit as they talk.
ANGIE:
Jackie's getting some kind of offer about her show? Why? Her last episode was a half-hour about which high heels Olivia Newton-John would wear if she was ever a guest star on Charlie's Angels.
HYDE:
Hey, it was better than the one about how Jack Nicholson should do his hair.
ANGIE:
How?
HYDE:
Because she didn't spend all week trying to get me to stand in for Jack Nicholson.
ANGIE:
So – any idea what the offer is?
HYDE:
No.
ANGIE:
Do you know if Jackie's been looking at colleges?
HYDE:
No.
ANGIE:
Have you two talked about your future at all since you got back together?
HYDE:
Angie, I didn't talk, plan, or think about my future for eighteen years. You know what that got me?
(she shakes her head)
A cool black dad and a record store. Why start planning now?
He heads to the register.
Kelso and Fez enter through the door. They stop when they see Angie, who is helping a customer.
KELSO:
(to Fez)
Okay. I can do this. I'm just gonna tell Angie that things are fizzling between us, and we should end it.
Angie sees them, smiles, and walks over.
ANGIE:
(to Kelso)
Hey, how's it going, sweets?
FEZ:
Not bad, toots.
Angie and Kelso both give him a look.
FEZ (cont'd):
(to Angie)
Oh, him. Go.
He waves Angie over to Kelso.
KELSO:
(to Angie)
Okay. Well, um, we need to talk about something. This might be kind of hard to take.
(beat)
Fez still wets the bed.
FEZ/ANGIE:
What?/Eww!
Angie edges away from Fez.
KELSO:
(to Angie)
At least we're still together! I'll see you later.
He steers Fez around and gives him a push toward the door, following after.
FEZ:
(to Kelso)
I'm going to wet your bed.
They exit.
CUT TO:
INT. COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY
The office of Point Place High's guidance counselor, a bare-minimum office lit more by the window than the poor lighting. Jackie and Eric enter through the open door.
ERIC:
Oh, my God. I can't believe I have to tell my high school guidance counselor that I spent an entire year doing nothing. He's gonna think I'm such a loser.
JACKIE:
Yeah. You know a good way to avoid that? Don't be a loser.
ERIC:
Whatever. I bet he doesn't even have an offer for you. This is probably like that time he told you he wanted to talk about who should be the head of the decorating committee, then asked you to prom.
MR. BRAY himself enters, a portly man in a fool's version of suave attire. A stack of files is tucked under his arm. He breezes right past Eric to shake Jackie's hand.
MR. BRAY
Ah, Jackie. How very, very – very – pleasant to see you again. And so soon after high school.
JACKIE:
And so soon since the last time you drove by my house.
MR. BRAY:
(beat)
Well, uh, my mother lives right next door.
JACKIE:
Next door is the guest house.
MR. BRAY:
Well... isn't Mother a charming guest?
Jackie fixes him with a condescending look. Mr. Bray clears his throat and stands up straight.
MR. BRAY (cont'd):
Well, Jackie, I asked you here because the school was recently contacted by a TV producer out of Chicago about you.
JACKIE:
(gasps)
Oh, my God! Was it about my show?
MR. BRAY:
Yes, indeed. She asked if we could pass on her interest to you and that she'd be in the area if you could take a meeting before taping.
Jackie squeals, hops, and claps with delight.
JACKIE:
Oh, my God, yes! Yes! When is she coming?
MR. BRAY:
Today. I meant to tell you sooner, but I kept dropping the phone – my hands tend to get sweaty when I'm nervous.
JACKIE:
Today? Oh, I – I have to get ready. I have to get dressed – I have to do my hair – I have to get down to the studio!
She makes for the door. Eric catches her by the arm.
ERIC:
What? Jackie, you don't tape for another four hours.
JACKIE:
Yeah, but it'll take me at least two to get over there.
ERIC:
Why?
JACKIE:
Because I'm telling everyone!
She pulls herself free and runs out of the office.
Left alone, Eric and Mr. Bray awkwardly survey each other.
MR. BRAY:
And you are?
ERIC:
Eric. Forman. 1977's most improved mathlete.
MR. BRAY:
Oh, right. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, Eric. I just figured the bullies had gotten ya.
They continue to awkwardly survey each other.
BUMPER
INT. GROOVES – DAY
Business is still brisk, and Kelso and Fez are back. They stand together, heads bowed and arms folded, in the listening pit. Their heads jerk up when Jackie bursts through the door.
JACKIE:
Where's Steven?
KELSO:
At lunch with Angie.
Jackie turns to head back out the door, but Kelso lunges, takes her arm, and pulls her into the listening pit. They sit on the couch together while Fez sits on the armrest.
KELSO (cont'd):
Wait, Jackie! Listen, I need some advice on breaking up with girls, okay? And you've been broken up with a lot. Several times by me. So, what didn't you like?
JACKIE:
Oh, um... the lying, the cheating, the sneaking around - oh, and I also didn't like Fez trying to make out with me five minutes later.
FEZ:
Well, then you're really not gonna like this.
He leans down for a kiss. Jackie shoves him back by the face.
KELSO:
Look, I don't know how to break up with Angie.
JACKIE:
Well, why don't you try to figure out how to do it kindly – maturely - respectfully?
KELSO:
Yeah. That sounds nice.
(beat)
I think I'm just gonna sleep with her best friend.
CUT TO:
INT. COUNSELOR'S OFFICE – DAY
Mr. Bray and Eric have moved to sitting on opposite sides of Mr. Bray's desk. Mr. Bray reviews the contents of a file and shakes his head,
MR. BRAY:
Well, Eric, I have to say – your eligibility for scholarships would normally be determined by what you've done for the last year, but as far as I can tell, you haven't done anything.
ERIC:
Okay, well... yeah. But what about the year before that? I mean, I gave up college to support my family.
MR. BRAY:
So?
ERIC:
Isn't that, like, a really noble and decent thing to do?
MR. BRAY:
You don't get scholarships for nobility. Not unless you're in Europe. And there, it's not a scholarship – it's actual nobility.
ERIC:
Come on, Mr. Bray. There's gotta be something I can do to pay for college. I'll do anything to become a teacher.
MR. BRAY:
You're going to college for teaching?
(Eric nods)
And you spent the last year –
(checks notes)
"Reading comic books and acting out movies with your dolls" -
ERIC:
Action figures!
MR. BRAY:
Well, if you're going to UW, there's an option to be the instructor in a pilot teaching program that may just work for you.
ERIC:
Wait – pilot program? What does that mean? Like, an experiment? I don't know if I wanna be a guinea pig. What would I be teaching?
MR. BRAY:
Comic books.
Eric's jaw drops. Slowly, his eyes bulging and his breath quivering in his throat, he pushes himself upright until he leans over the desk, his feet barely in contact with the ground. It's an uncomfortable enough sight for Mr. Bray that he inches his seat back by a few good scoots.
FADE TO BLACK
COMMERCIAL
BUMPER
MUSIC NOTE: The theme from the 1966 "Batman" series.
INT. COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY
Right where we left off. Eric is still leaning over the desk, his body trembling with the threat of jumping up and down for joy. Mr. Bray still looks uncomfortable.
ERIC:
So you're saying that I would get paid to teach a class about comic books?
MR. BRAY:
Comic books, sci-fi films, fantasy novels, contemporary television – it's an experimental course based on a program done in Indiana a few years ago. The university would pay you to teach this course, and while you act as the teacher, you could get a free education yourself. It would mean jumping right into a professional setting. So if you value time with your dolls –
ERIC:
ACTION FIGURES!
MR. BRAY:
Right. I'm just saying, you won't have a lot of free time, and this sort of program needs someone with a strong work ethic. If you think you're up to it, I can go get my information packet, but...
He trails off as he looks Eric over – pasty, skinny, fresh-from-a-year-off Eric. Eric gives himself a look-over before pushing himself away from the desk and standing up tall.
ERIC:
You know what, Mr. Bray? I am up to it. You know, I wasn't always this lazy, goof-around loser. I had work ethic – real work ethic. I don't know how I got to this point, but I've been looking for a way out. And now – I have it.
(puts hands on hips)
I feel... I feel like Luke Skywalker when he vowed to follow Obi-Wan and learn the ways of the Force. Except we're not surrounded by dead Jawas. And there's no dead Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. And I don't live with Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, I live with my mom and dad, and – oh, screw it, I'm teaching Star Wars and comic books!
He gives the air a happy jab. Mr. Bray gives a slight smile, shakes his head, stands, and leads Eric out of the office.
BUMPER
MUSIC NOTE: "Right Back Where We Stared From" by Maxine Nightingale.
INT. STUDIO – EVENING
The studio of the public access station, Jackie's set. JACKIE, only slightly overdressed, bobs on her feet, all grins as the visiting CHICAGO PRODUCER, MRS. BERTRINELLI, sits on her desk and chats with her.
MRS. BERTRINELLI:
Well, Jackie, everyone in the Chicago station's been talking about your program.
JACKIE:
Oh, really?
MRS. BERTRINELLI:
Yes, we've never seen anything quite like it.
JACKIE:
Well, I'd say I'm surprised, but –
She indicates her face and lets out an airy laugh.
JACKIE (cont'd):
You know, my boyfriend Steven, he says the same thing every time he watches the show. At first, he meant it sarcastically, but now I think he means it as a compliment almost half of the time.
Mrs. Bertrinelli gives an enigmatic sort of smile; Jackie can't tell if she's genuinely amused or condescending. Jackie clears her throat and stands up as tall as she can.
JACKIE (cont'd):
So, my guidance counselor said you had some sort of offer for me?
MRS. BERTRINELLI:
Yes. As I said, we've been watching your show. And quite frankly – you advertise it as a news program, and yet all your content is concerned with fashion, disco, decorating, celebrity gossip, and local scandal. It's superficial, irrelevant – all the flightiest impulses of youth. All in all, it's a terrible news program.
Jackie's face falls like a downed chopper over Saigon. Her hand clutches at her heart.
MRS. BERTRINELLI (cont'd):
But it's perfect for the arts and leisure segment of a real news program. How'd you like a job as entertainment anchor?
Jackie's face changes again, into a stiff mask of shock. Her whole body goes stiff as an amused Mrs. Bertrinelli chuckles and shakes her head.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – EVENING
The end of a hard days' work – relatively speaking. Hyde reads a magazine in his chair while Fez and Kelso share the couch.
KELSO:
(to Fez)
So, there's a problem with my "sleeping with Angie's best friend" plan: Angie's best friend is Hyde.
Without looking up from his magazine, Hyde shoots an acknowledging finger point Kelso's way.
FEZ:
(to Kelso)
Drat. And That's not just your plan foiled.
KELSO:
Whaddya mean?
FEZ:
My plan to console Angie when you dump her, then console her best friend when you dump her too, just went down the dumper.
(to Hyde)
You son of a bitch.
Hyde briefly flips down the magazine, grins at Fez, then goes back to reading.
Jackie enters through the basement door, her face long.
JACKIE:
(to Kelso, Fez)
Um, you guys, I gotta talk to Steven about something really serious.
KELSO:
(gasp)
Maybe she's pregnant!
FEZ:
Maybe she cheated on him.
KELSO:
Maybe she cheated on him and she's pregnant.
They grin up at her like idiots. Jackie, ignoring them, moves to the end of the couch nearest to Hyde's chair. Hyde sets his magazine down and leans in toward her.
JACKIE:
Steven, this TV producer came by to tell me she loved my public access show. And then she offered me a job at her station in Chicago starting next month.
HYDE:
Whoa. Um, you're gonna take a job and move to Chicago?
JACKIE:
No, no, not yet. No, I wanted to talk to you about it first.
KELSO:
Uh-oh. This is "serious" serious, not funny serious.
(to Fez)
We should probably leave.
FEZ:
(to Jackie, Hyde)
But we won't.
Jackie and Hyde both ignore him.
JACKIE:
Steven, this is my dream come true. But you are the most important thing in the world to me. So, I'm willing to give it all up and stay here with you. But if I do that, I need to know we're gonna get married.
HYDE:
Jackie, we agreed not to talk about our future.
JACKIE:
Until our future got here, and it just did, Steven. Look, the station needs an answer by the end of the month, and I do, too.
HYDE:
Well, I don't know what to say right now.
A flicker of hurt crosses Jackie's face, but she gives Hyde a slow nod.
JACKIE:
Okay, well, you don't have to say anything right now. But this month is all the time left I can give you.
Hyde looks away from her. He sits back in his chair and tosses his head back as Jackie looks down at the floor.
Kelso sweeps a hand out to draw attention.
KELSO:
(to Hyde)
I know this is a sensitive moment, but may I offer a word of advice?
He stands, crosses to the basement door, and throws it open.
KELSO (cont'd):
Run!
Fez heeds Kelso's advice: he jumps to his feet and dashes out the door. When Kelso sees the look Hyde's giving him, he does the same thing.
BUMPER
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - NIGHT
Post-dinner clean-up. KITTY is at the sink, gloves on, working at a roasting pan soaked in suds. RED sits at the kitchen table, reading a newspaper.
Donna enters from the patio door.
DONNA:
Hey, is Eric home? We were supposed to hang out at the Hub after his meeting with the guidance counselor, but he never showed.
KITTY:
(shakes head)
He hasn't been home all day.
RED:
(flips paper down)
If he's trapped in another locker, we've gotta disown him. The only time in a man's life when it's acceptable for him to get stuffed in a high school locker is when he's in high school.
KITTY:
But he was in the high school.
RED:
You know what I meant.
The patio door slides open again. Donna steps back as Eric and Mr. Bray enter, all grins, each with a stack of papers under their arms.
ERIC:
(to Donna)
Hey. I know I didn't show at the Hub, but I've got great news. I –
Mr. Bray elbows past Eric to shake Donna's hand.
MR. BRAY:
Donna! Donna Pinciotti! How nice to see you again. You've done something different with your hair since high school.
DONNA:
Yeah, you noticed.
MR. BRAY:
Well, I notice everything about all my students.
ERIC:
You didn't even remember my name.
MR. BRAY:
(to Eric)
I notice everything about all my recent students.
ERIC:
Donna and I were the same year.
MR. BRAY:
Yes, well... I would like to change the subject now.
KITTY:
(to Eric)
Honey, you said you have great news?
She peels off her gloves and crosses to the table. She and Donna sit as Eric sets his papers down and clasps his hands together.
ERIC:
I found a way to pay for college.
DONNA:
Eric, that's wonderful!
KITTY:
Hooray!
RED:
Pay for college? What's wrong with the money we've been putting into your savings account?
KITTY:
Oh – um, Red, honey, we – we need to talk later.
Red opens his mouth to press the issue, but Kitty waves him quiet.
ERIC:
Yep. Not only will I be going to college for teaching – I'll be going to college to teach.
KITTY:
Ooh, how nice!
(beat)
What does that mean?
Donna and Red, just as confused as Kitty, look to Eric.
ERIC:
You are looking at the future instructor of UW's experimental "Genre Fiction in America" course!
He's met with an audience of blank looks.
ERIC (cont'd):
I'm teaching Star Wars and comic books.
Donna slaps a hand over her mouth, Kitty's jaw drops, and Red, glaring, stands.
RED:
Are you telling me that college is giving a whole class over to those moron books and that dopey space movie?
ERIC:
No, Dad, it's all of science fiction and fantasy. It's a pilot course about how genre fiction comments and reflects on modern American life.
MR. BRAY:
We were on the phone with UW all afternoon, setting Eric up for the program.
RED:
Oh, crap. First they turn out commies, then they turn out hippies – now our colleges are gonna take America's children and give her back a bunch of smart-mouth slackers indoctrinated by Professor Dumbass.
He drops back to his seat and puts a hand over his head. Eric shrugs and turns to his much more enthusiastic reception from Donna and Kitty.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT
A short time later. Donna and Fez sit on opposite ends of the couch, Kelso sits on the washer, and Eric stands by him, working at a popsicle. The remnants of a burger-and-fries dinner litter the coffee table.
KELSO:
(to Eric)
So all those times you were going on and on about Star Wars – how this is like Star Wars, how that is like Star Wars, how the Vista Cruiser is like your Millennium Falcon from Star Wars – it turns out you can get a job teaching that? That's, like, the biggest burn on everyone who ever made fun of you for being a loser.
ERIC:
Kelso, you always made fun of me for being a loser.
KELSO:
And the burn's on me. Well played.
ERIC:
(to all)
Man, isn't this great? And the best part is, if this pilot program takes off, it could become just a regular class, offered every year.
DONNA:
Eric, if you stay on with UW to teach that course, you could end up as Professor Forman. I kinda like the sound of that.
ERIC:
Me too. Professor Eric "Star Wars" Forman.
DONNA:
Okay, now I like it a little less.
FEZ:
(to Eric)
And you will teach comic books too?
ERIC:
Comic books, TV, cartoons, magazine stories... it's like this entire basement condensed into a study guide.
KELSO:
Hey, you know what comic book you should teach? Mine.
ERIC:
You have a comic book?
KELSO:
Yeah, it's called Adventures on the Planet Zorgon. There's these bugs that burrow into your brain, and they lay, like, a thousand eggs. And when the eggs hatch, they, like, shoot out of your head like little worm bullets.
He's grinning from ear to ear. Eric gives him an indulgent smile in return.
Hyde enters from his room, SCHATZI in his arms. He makes his way to his chair and sits down, staring blankly ahead while he scratches Schatzi's head.
DONNA:
So, Hyde – we heard about Jackie. What are you gonna do?
HYDE:
Well, I've spent all night kicking it back with Schatzi.
ERIC:
With Schatzi?
HYDE:
Yeah. If I hit my stash hard enough, I can understand him.
Eric and Donna share a look.
DONNA:
And what did you and Schatzi come up with?
HYDE:
A great idea for a movie that now I just can't remember.
He shakes his head in frustration, retrieves a piece of beef from the coffee table, and feeds it to Schatzi.
CUT TO:
INT. GROOVES – NIGHT
Well past closing time. The customers are gone, the lights are out, but Angie is still at work. She stands at the register, reviewing the drawer. Satisfied with what she sees, she shuts the register, retrieves her bag, and heads for the door. Just as she opens it, Kelso appears in the doorway.
KELSO:
Hey, Angie. I've been thinking about this all day, and I finally worked up the nerve. And I think we need to talk about us.
ANGIE:
Yeah, I've been meaning to talk about us too – I'm breaking up with you.
Kelso's jaw drops.
KELSO:
How dare you!
ANGIE:
Come on. You know things were sort of fizzling anyways.
KELSO:
F-fizzling? How can you even say that? What about all the times you said that I was really, really good-looking?
ANGIE:
Michael, its over. But know this – when I said you were good-looking, I really meant it.
She pats his arm and strolls out into the night.
KELSO:
(yelling after her)
You know what? You've got a lot of growing up to do!
FADE TO BLACK
CREDITS
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT
THE CIRCLE. A baffled and slightly repulsed Eric peruses a crudely-drawn amateur comic book.
ERIC:
Kelso, I never knew you had such a... a thing for bugs crawling around in peoples' brains.
Pan to Kelso, on the verge of tears.
KELSO:
You know what, Eric? Right after a guy's girlfriend breaks up with him is not the time for constructive criticism!
Pan to Hyde.
HYDE:
Well, one day down, and I still don't have an answer for Jackie.
(to his right)
You got anything?
Pan to Schatzi, propped up on pillows.
SCHATZI (v.o.):
Nothing yet, man. I think I need more kibble.
END.