Y'all, I think we broke fanficiton dot net. Your reviews aren't showing but I'm getting the email alerts and have enjoyed all your reactions and in depth theories.
LLGuest: Your review was spot on. I hope this chapter can explain some of your questions. Sometimes in the south asian culture, mothers don't interfere with the father's method of parenting, it's wrong on so many levels. Again, thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts.
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bandrocks: big ass hug from the east coast. i'm sure your dad was partying it up in heaven!
gowildcats: I laughed so hard. CTG in diapers. LOL.
Lady Valarie65: Thank you for the love! how have you been?
Everyone else, I heart ya. I wish I could respond to each and everyone of you if only the reviews would show i'd PM you. This chapter is basically one long ass conversation. Ana tells her side of the story.
Chapter 60 – I thought you'd complete me; that you'd erase all the pain that I felt in my brain. If you fill my heart with love, then you'd fill my voids above.
Saturday, March 21st, 2020
CPOV
I take my seat next to her and pick her hands and kiss them. "Tell me what's on your mind baby... you can tell me anything."
Please tell me.
She looks to me for a few moments. Tears form in her eyes. "It's not good."
"Whatever it is, I'm here for you." I kiss her hands again.
"Even before the trip to SF, I've been talking to Flynn about... this thing with Vishaal to try and just figure everything out once and for all. When I left for Portland, I blocked everything out. I wanted to completely erase what had happened to me from my mind in a way and build a new life and new identity for myself."
She pulls her hand out mine and tucks them under the sleeve of her robe and brings her knees to her chest. Almost like she's protecting herself. I move in a little closer but make it a point to not touch her. Her eyes remain fixed on the ceiling.
"I kept my mind endlessly occupied, with either studying or small jobs on top of my campus and hardware store job, plus taking free workshops and seminars, basically to be constantly on the go. I'd have one day on the weekends where Kate and I would have breakfast and like a girls night during the week but otherwise, I was always out of the house working myself till I was in pain because that meant I could sleep" her voice breaks. "...because if I was tired enough, I'd sleep throughout the night and then wake up and do it all again. I just had to fill my brain with all the new information and create all these very different memories from my life in SF."
"You know, I visited WSU so many times over the years... I wish I could've met you then."
All these years of missed connections.
She looks at me with a sad smile and tears in her eyes. "You wouldn't have noticed me Mr. Grey... I was invisible." her voice wavers and it's heartbreaking.
No, I was an arrogant and miserable asshole.
"These past few weeks have made me take a long hard look at my relationship with him to find that moment where he stopped seeing me as his sister and just someone he could fuck with and eventually trap. I'd been avoiding this because I was so mad and in that anger I didn't realize that I had been carrying this huge and blind weight with me. I thought I was moving forward but now I realize it's only been at a snails pace."
She takes a deep breath.
"Before the accident I had just got done applying to the East Coast. Harvard, Columbia, Brown and NYU. Dad preferred that I go to New York and I secretly wanted that too in the end. Nani wanted to pay for my college since AHAK invested in all the kids education but Ray wasn't going to ever accept that so she insisted that I live in one of the AHAK buildings where the family apartment was to lower the cost of tuition and living expenses in general and that above all, it would be safe me. Ray relented on that... he wanted me safe and it was better that I stay with family while I was there since Kiran would eventually go to law school in New York too."
"Did you ever find out if you got accepted?"
"By the time the decision letters came... I was in a coma and then after that, the thought never occurred to me. When I woke up, I didn't know if I'd be able to move again let alone go to college and by the time I started to think about college again, I didn't want to know whether I had gotten into those places. It would've been just... painful. Plus, I couldn't afford them, with my health, I didn't want to take a chance on taking out so many loans and then to not be able to pay them back. I didn't want to put myself in that position. Nita had used up dad's savings and my college fund for medical expenses in the initial days. When the life insurance came in, she paid off the house. After that Nani and Alia Khala stepped in to pay for... everything. I started checking out colleges seriously when I was 16 and Ray asked me to consider WSU or University of Washington. We drove to both I liked them but didn't love them and I could tell that he would've liked that I stay closer to home but he also knew that I had all these dreams."
She pauses for a few moments.
"It happened the spring of 2015 when I got back my college acceptance letters. I had gotten my GED online a few months before applying since I still had a semester left when the accident happened. I had already made up my mind to go to WSU by that point. It just felt like the right choice, or maybe I was just being emotional because I had memories of Dad in those places. I wanted to be close to him you know. After the accident, all my decisions were based on emotion instead of rational thought."
Tears start to fall from her eyes and she wipes them away.
"But Vishaal forced me to apply to Stanford, UC Berkeley and SF State and I got into each and every single one of them. I didn't care for Berkeley and Stanford. They were completely out of the question even though Vishaal said he'd take care of it. It was just too much so I said no, I'm going to WSU and he lost his shit. After dinner, we had gone out on our ice-cream run and we were talking about the fact that I got into every single school I applied to. It was a happy moment and he started making all these plans for me and telling me where I could live... and I said I want to go to WSU... " She closes her eyes and starts to violently shake her head before continuing again.
"He yelled at me that I was leaving him and how disappointed he was in me. He parked on the side of the road and just went off. It was fucking scary. No one had ever yelled at me in my life. Ray never raised his voice at me. He was like 'you're leaving me. How the fuck am I supposed to care for you and protect you if you're so faraway from me?' I was terrified in that moment and I started crying and I tried to explain to him that I needed to get out of here because I felt like I was losing myself and I needed to grow but he wouldn't listen to me. When we got home he just slammed that car door and went to his room and then the next morning when I woke up he had left. I tried calling and texting him but he wouldn't pick up and then I found out he flew out to London to help out with the newest AHAK-KGI deals.
He didn't talk to me for weeks and it sucked because we spent so much time together. I'd confide in him and we'd go out on late night ice-cream runs, stuff that you do with your big brother you know but I guess that all that changed when I lost the weight and began to look more like a prospect during my recovery. I emailed him everyday for weeks. Apologizing. Asking him to call me back or reply, I continued to tell him about my day, anything new that I watched or read or song I heard. He was my best friend for the last two and half years you know and suddenly I was all alone again. I got really depressed and I felt like I was regressing. After like a month of no contact I asked to go to New York to help Kiran at AHAK. I needed to get the fuck out of there. That's when the whole Rothstein thing happened. I'd tried calling him because I was so scared about my deposition... still no word. Then I just stopped. It reinforced my resolve that I needed to get out of there. I needed friends outside of the family. I was losing myself and I relied on Kiran and Vishaal too much. My social life revolved around the family and my doctors only. I didn't know who I was anymore. He came back to SF in the start of summer and our relationship remained tense. We'd have our good days and bad days... and I eventually got used to it. I was just counting down the days till I was going to leave... then a few weeks before my going away party, he became really sweet and understanding. We'd started to talk more and do the same stuff that we did before the fight. Ice-cream runs, playing video games, singing lessons, walking in the backyard after dinner... I felt like he'd forgiven me and I got my brother and best friend back...then..." she takes a deep steadying breath.
I feel the energy of a million conflicting emotions run through me and I have to remind myself that this isn't about me. It's about her. I need to be here for her. I need her to keep talking and get this out of her system.
"Where was he in the days that followed what happened?"
She raises her head and fixes her gaze on the wall in front of her. "He'd come for Sunday brunch that weekend. I didn't look at anyone because I was so ashamed of what had happened to me and I was in pain. I just remained quiet, which was my new normal anyway. I went back to my room and hid under the covers and he came up and asked me how I was feeling and I said not great and made a joke about being a party animal to deflect... he kissed my forehead and left saying that he was flying out to India for a few weeks and wished me luck."
"That son of a bitch." I mutter under my breath. I try to keep my breathing calm.
"Yeah... after that, when I went to Portland and met Kate and all that, I became very weary of men in general. Like, if anyone bumped into me... it was just bad, like I had regressed further into this shell. Then I came home for thanksgiving that year and the way Vishaal hugged me, it felt aggressive and the lingering touches started to feel so wrong. I could the feel the fear creep in and break my bones, if that makes sense but I thought I was overreacting... at one point I felt guilty for feeling that way because he was my brother..."
She leans back on the couch as her head hangs back and tears fall from her eyes and she shakes her head.
"I couldn't bear the thought of sleeping in my old room given what happened before I left so I asked Nita if I could sleep in her room and ever since then I never sleep in my old room. I had already started to distance myself from him when I left. I would barely answer his calls or reply to his texts. Except for Nani and Nita, I barely stayed in contact with anyone. We have a family group chat on whatsapp where we send pictures and updates about our lives. I barely participated. I'd sometimes answer Kiran's calls but I always blamed the lack of contact it on having a really crazy schedule."
She rubs her face and takes a calm and steadying breath before starting again.
"Before I went home for Thanksgiving, I met Kate's dad for the first time. He was in town visiting and he treated us dinner at The Heathman Hotel where he was staying. We all hit it off and he treated Kate and I to a spa weekend to celebrate the end of our midterms."
She looks at me and smiles. "Christian, it was such an amazing weekend; Kate was my first best friend outside of the family. With Kiran it was more of the fact that I thought she was cool, I mean we have a 6 year difference so I was always in her shadow. With Kate, I found a kindred spirit, we had so much fun and I really loved that hotel. It was so beautiful, the dark earthy tones and the little details, like something out of a lit classic; I got Gatsby from vibes it. I don't know why. The only other luxury hotels I had been in were here in SF for family weddings and they were so over the top... anyway, I was telling this story over Thanksgiving because I was just so excited to experience normal girl stuff you know. I had been bed ridden for almost 2 years and I finally was having the experiences that a girl my age should have.
Once Kiran and Vishaal visited that following Spring, Kiran asked Kate and I to join them for dinner. I was uneasy about it but I knew I had Kate with me and I couldn't exactly say no given how indebted I am to them... we were having a dinner and were on dessert. Kate went to the ladies room and a few minutes after, Kiran excused herself to make a quick call. I was alone at the table with Vishaal, sitting across from him. It was the first time I had been alone with him since I had left for college..."
My scalp prickles. Fuck... she takes a deep and shuddering breath covering her eyes...
"He started off with how fun my going away party was. I told him I barely remembered anything and that alcohol and I don't mix well. I made a joke about it and he looked at me puzzled for a moment and said, 'you really don't remember don't you? I shook my head and I swear I saw a small smile form. He said, I bought this hotel for you and my jaw dropped. He said, he would come up every weekend to see me and we'd always have a room here, I could stay here for as long as I liked and I didn't have to have a roommate. That we could get to know each other and be more than this sham of a brother-sister relationship. His tone was so menacing. The realization of it all dawned on me and I felt my body go numb. I remember everything slowing down and being fully aware of what was going on around me and unable to react but then... after that the next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital, all bruised and scraped. I woke up alone again and at first I thought, I may have never recovered from the accident. Then I thought I had been raped again but then quickly realized because I didn't have any internal pain like that. Kate and Nita came into the room a few minutes later with some coffee and told me that I walked into oncoming traffic after we left the hotel. Kate had called Nita and she got there as fast as she could."
She breaks down in to sobs and I try to hold her but she shakes her head and asks me not to.
"Since then, every trip I'd see him, it would get more and more intense. He'd text and call and I would never respond. Right after Rania's wedding that summer, a popular magazine had posted a picture of Karan and I where I was kissing his cheek, saying that we were a couple and Vishaal lost his shit and tried to force himself on me to remind me who I belonged to. Every physical interaction of that kind with him is just him trying to remind me..." She stops and closes her eyes.
"Tony told me about that... you risked so much for them."
"I didn't know it was going to blow up like that. I just wanted to throw that reporter off. Whether or not it was true, no one deserves their private life to be questioned like that on a public scale. I knew the ramifications it would have for KGI as a whole. People are still really conservative on that side of the world... I wasn't going to let some second rate gossip columnist put them on blast like that... but then that night they told me everything and I told him about Vishaal... I felt like I could breathe again and I had someone on my side but..."
She closes her and starts to sob uncontrollably.
"Baby, please let me hold you."
"I can't." she says in between sobs.
"Why, baby?"
"Because in recovery, whenever I cried which was all the fucking time. He would comfort me and hold me and I hate being reminded of it. I know it's not the same... you're intentions are true and kind but I have all these memories in my head that creep up and these past few weeks have been really hard. John said something that made a little sense to me, he said that I'm finally mourning the relationship I had with him. I have to go through all these stages of grief all at once... except now I have so much anger at myself for being so fucking stupid.
I looked up to him like a big brother; we spent so much time together in my recovery and before whenever I'd visit as a kid. He'd dote on me and we had a friendship, we were always in contact. He would always be there for me if I had a bad day in school. I could rely on him too. After Ray, I looked to him you know, thinking he'd always be in my corner. During my recovery he'd always sit with me and tell me I was going to beat this and come back stronger and that he'd always have my back. He always made it a point to spend time with me every day. We'd always talk or he'd talk and I'd listen and smile when I still was trying to find my voice.
It fucking hurts that I trusted him and he violated me like that. I have all these wonderful memories with him and they're all tainted. All these years I've been avoiding him and trying to not think about him and now, it's consumed my mind these past few days. I feel stupid. I feel so fucking stupid."
"None of this is your fault, Ana." I have nothing that I can say to comfort her or take her pain away.
"He's has been trying to break me all these years and now even more." She looks back at me "He wants me broken like before."
"You were never broken Ana. He's just a sick fuck who took advantage of you in a vulnerable time. What he felt for you was not love but obsession. You have never deserved that." I say trying to mask the strain in my voice. You deserve a world of happiness.
"He's in my head. I've tried so hard to create new memories and traditions with everyone and still... in the most seemingly innocent moments I'll be reminded of something and it fucks with my brain."
Fuck, I knew it. FUCK. I need to help her move past this. I want to help her erase every second of her time with him.
"If there is anything that I say or do that reminds you of him, tell me and I'll stop. I won't do it ever again. I promise you."
"It's nothing that you say... you both have a very different vocabulary and plus a lot of my conversations with him were in hindi, so it's not that. A lot of what you and I have is new, completely new for me. But when you carry me, that can be hard sometimes because he would sometimes carry me down the stairs at home when I had to go to my doctor's appointments and sit outside in the backyard before I could walk again... Karan and Benny have done that too on occasion but it was mostly him... and I'm trying Christian, I'm trying to push those memories away. I promise I am." She pleads with me and I hold her face.
"I know baby, I understand and I want to help you but you have to let me." I lean and give her a small kiss.
"I kinda like it when you carry me like a caveman. That's completely ours." She giggles and wipes her tears away.
"Well Miss Steele, just say the word and I'll return to my caveman ways." I smirk and lean in for another kiss. 'You know, I really liked the Heathman too; I've always stayed there when I'm in Portland but not anymore. Not giving that fucker my money."
She looks down silently nods. "A lot of what I go through is because of the nuances... and most of the time I can shut it down but when I'm really vulnerable then it's really hard."
"Whenever you feel that way, just tell me. Did it happen when we went to Canlis?" I know it did.
She nods. "The week before my going away party he took me out to dinner and told me to dress up because we were going to celebrate my going away to college. Except now when I look back, it was essentially a date. I didn't exactly put any effort. For me dressing up was basically wearing a summer dress and earrings. I never did makeup unless it was a wedding... still, I was too stupid to realize what was happening. I had never been out with him like that before, only with Kiran or Rania... it was always in a group setting but that night ended up in a fight as well."
"Why, what did you guys talk about?" I really am a glutton for punishment.
"My plans for the future. I gave him the whole New York publishing house spiel. He told me to make sure I gave him anyone I associated with to run background checks on them and I fought that. I was like I know how to keep my mouth shut. Then he wanted to get me a car and I refused that. He wanted to open a bank account for me and give me spending money for books, clothes... I basically refused any largesse he wanted to throw my way so we fought again in the car. Except, now I realize that he was doing that to try and control me but I kept fighting him. He took my every refusal as an act of defiance."
"Did you tell Nani?"
"No. I mean; it felt like a non-issue to me at the time. I had a similar conversation with Nani a few months prior. She wanted to buy me an apartment and I said no. I wanted a proper college experience on my own merits. She insisted I take her black amex and then opened a joint bank account in my name. I was pissed at her but I just stayed quiet and I never used any money from it. Even last week more money was transferred into it. But I'm not touching it ever."
"Ana, she wants you to be taken care of."
"I know but they've already spent enough money on me. I have only wanted their love. Nothing else."
I nod. "Is that what you feel I'm trying to do when I try to buy you things or give you money, is that why? Because it reminds you of what he tried to do."
She swallows. "In a way, yes. I know you're not doing it to control me but... " She takes a deep breath. "Look, rationally I know where you're coming from but emotionally sometimes the nuance of it call can be a little triggering for me. I'm trying to work on it."
I look down and focus my eyes on the pattern of the upholstery of the couch we're sitting on. My curiosity is at an all time high and I have a feeling I'm going to regret asking her the next few questions but I also can't help myself.
"Did he ever give you gifts? Jewelry or clothes..."
Her face tenses and it tells me everything I feared. "No to the clothes. Jewelry wasn't anything elaborate. He got me diamond earrings on my 18th birthday and then little things here and there... when I realized what he had done, I pawned that shit and got $1000 for it and gave it to charity. I threw out everything he gave me. Souvenirs from any trips... anything he had given me, I threw it out. Twice he's sent me his black amex and I've thrown it in the trash. Every year he'd send me the new iPhone, I would give it away to someone else. I always felt he was trying to keep tabs on me so I was like good luck trying to keep track of some tom, dick or harry around Portland" she giggles."His manipulation was mostly in the very small things Christian. Like, bringing home my favorite treats to eat. Things that Karan, Rania and Kiran would do as well whenever they came to see me... that's why it was never suspect because these were normal things that we all did. Whenever I go back to SF, I would take voodoo doughnuts from Portland or if money was an issue, I'd make cookies and brownies when I got to SF etc."
"Ana... what is the thing you fear the most right now. Tell me how I can make it better?"
She slowly turns her body to me and stays quiet for a few moments.
"He knows how I think and what my weaknesses are."
"You're not that same girl from 4 years ago, baby."
She looks up at me. "But my fears are the same... and now with you, he knows I love you and want to marry you."
"He can't hurt me. I'd like to see the fucker try cause then I'll put him in the ground."
"He won't hurt you in the way you're thinking, he's more sinister than that."
"Is this about that game you mentioned? What's that about?"
She pauses for a moment and runs her hand through her hair.
"Since I was the only one, aside from Kiran who didn't think he was such a fucking prick... he'd play this game where he'd tell me a story... he'd give me all the characters and some background and how some of them were connected and then the endgame... I would have to figure out the most sinister way you got to the endgame accept with endgame where was always another bonus. I can't explain it right but basically he'd give all these really random details and then I would have to weed out the most intricate and sinister plot line, I could even add my own details if I wanted, to make it more exciting but it had to be within the realm of possibility not like, oh the aliens came in... Except, I always went for the simple solution cause, the easiest way to get from A to B was a straight line and he'd push me and say you have really got use you imagination and think... go off the deep end... and I just could never be... I don't know... I wasn't dark enough I guess. He would disguise it under strategic and analytical thinking but..." she shakes her head while taking a deep breath. "...I don't know, I just... he fucking knew I loved a challenge and puzzles and putting pieces together... like my brain needed that but after the accident I was to sad too engage so he stopped with the overt mind games and made me play without my even knowing and now he's goading me. That trip to Seattle was the first sign but I didn't do anything and then Akash was second and I fell for it and then at the brunch. With every engagement he will up the ante and I've gotten to a point where my patience is at an all time low. Even more so now that I'm dissecting everything with John... my anger is just..." she clenches her fists and closes her eyes.
"He's one twisted fucker. I'm..."
"There's more..." she says in a low voice.
"Tell me baby..." I hold her hands and give them a light squeeze.
"I'm pretty sure he molested me during recovery."
I count back from 10. I need to remain calm. I need to remain calm.
"When? How?"
"I'd become an insomniac I'd barely be able to sleep more than 3 hours a night. It was really bad so I was prescribed medication for that too and sometimes I would still wake up and I could swear I felt someone touching me but couldn't see anything. This was after I had become significantly mobile and Vishaal was living with us. However some of the side-effects of the medications were hallucinations and I just ignored it. I thought it was memories of husband #2 manifesting in some way... but now I am pretty sure that it was Vishaal who touched me. That's why sometimes I get afraid when you try to wake me up. It's a mixture of the paranoia of being bed ridden and paralyzed to feeling like I was being touched in places... " she buries her face in her hands.
"I'm so sorry..."
I'm so fucking sorry.
"It's not your fault." She says in the thick voice as her tears fall while looking down at her hands. "It doesn't happen all the time and when it does, I have to just quickly make sure that I can move my arms and open my eyes to see where I am... but sometimes I can't help it and it's a knee jerk reaction."
"I'll try to be more careful... I don't want to scare you."
She doesn't say anything but cries a little more.
"I promise I'm trying to get better." She looks up to me and she almost sounds like a little girl.
"Listen to me, this will take time. You don't need to promise me anything... you're doing this for yourself and it will take time and I'm here for you every step of the way baby. I'm not going anywhere." I try to assure her. "I just want you to share whatever is on your mind with me. If I do something that makes you feel uncomfortable because of an associated memory then tell me and I'll stop."
"But none of this is fair to you..."
"It isn't fair to you either. All these seemingly innocent interactions were used to manipulate you... you didn't deserve that."
"He has all these emails from me... stuff that he can use against me if I ever speak up."
"What kind of emails?"
"The ones I sent him when he left. I mean, I can't bring myself to go through them again to make sure I've addressed him as Bhai or not but I know I'd sign them all off with 'love you' or ' miss you' but I did that with everyone you know. Like, I'll tell Karan that I love him... I didn't mean that you know. I... I... it came from an innocent place... and he could use that against me. He was so active in my recovery that he could bring forth all those doctors as witnesses to say how devoted he was and make a case for how he couldn't have done what he did to me. I have nothing to prove it with. Everything is stacked against me."
"Ana, whenever you want to go forward with this, we will hire the best legal team to bring him down. We will investigate and do whatever we can to put him in jail. If you want we can talk to Dad and Grandpa Theo about this, they can help."
She shakes her head. "He'll win. He always wins."
"This time he'll lose." I'll do whatever I can to make him lose.
"I just wish it was the 3rd quarter already so I could find out what the fuck is in the Will and finally make my exit."
"Don't kill him but I asked Karan about his speculation of what's in the Will."
She pinches the bridge of her nose. "I swear to God this family is way too enamored with you. They fucking tell you everything."
I laugh and she ends up giggling.
"Cause I'm Mr. One Hunnid." I wink at her and she shakes her head and starts to laugh.
"Can we continue this conversation in bed?"
"Only if you let me carry you over my shoulder." I lean in to kiss her.
She rolls her eyes and stands up. I throw her over my shoulder and slap her ass making her giggle again.
We lay in bed and I hold her close and she rests her face in my neck.
"What do you want to know about the Will?" she asks.
"Well, I have a decent understanding of what could possibly happen. I want to know what your thoughts are."
"I just don't want Nita to leave me anything."
"If Nita still leaves you her shares what will you do?"
"I'll gift them to Rania and her family. It'll piss Kiran and Vishaal the fuck off but I don't care. Being locked in with them like that is my worst nightmare."
"You'd essentially be saying goodbye to 9.5 billion Ana." A shit ton of money.
"Well, Nita's share is approximately 9.5 billion right now, but if they can lock in all the deals before the 3rd quarter then Nita's share could go up to almost 11 billion. That's if Nana decides to leave everything to Mama and Alia Khala only..."
"Ana, we're talking about $11 billion dollars here... and this is in 2020. If AHAK continues to grow...then..."
"Then that's great but Christian, I don't deserve it."
"Why the fuck not Ana?"
"Because I didn't help grow this business, everyone else who's actually involved worked really hard. It's not my place."
"You put yourself on the line for the Rothstein deal. You have devoted yourself to this family despite everything that fucker put you through."
"I want him out of my life Christian. Accepting anything from AHAK like that keeps me tied to them and I want my peace of mind. I want to move on and live my life with people I love and who want the best for me. He doesn't want the best for me. He just wants to break me and own me."
"You've got the biggest heart out of all of them. You deserve your share. It's your right."
"I have no doubt that Nana will do right by everyone. If he decided to leave me anything, I'll give it to Rania or charity. I really don't need anything."
"You're so stubborn."
She shrugs. "Tell me something I don't know."
I kiss her forehead and she leans in closer.
"I think I finally understand it now." She says with a heavy voice.
"What baby?"
"The idea of being a submissive. Giving up control and the freedom."
My scalp prickles. "Ana, what do you mean?" she slowly looks up and her eyes meet mine.
"My mind is just too consumed with all these thoughts and all this pain. The relationships you had before, everyone got what they wanted without the heavy and messy shit. None of it was overwhelming. It was simple. I am just too much. I am too broken. As submissive only has one goal and nothing else matters anymore."
No, Ana. No. Please don't compare yourselves to that shit. Fuck.
"Ana, listen to me. Those "relationships" weren't real. They were arrangements. There was no growth. Being a submissive is not real. You run the risk of completely losing yourself in the process. Flynn put it this way, because of what I went through, I never emotionally matured like a normal human being. I just remained isolated and look at all the shit I missed out on. My life has been so incredibly bright, intense and fulfilling since we met. I have learned so much and continue to learn. You teach me something new everyday. You said it yourself we're meant to support each other through anything and everything. Please don't compare yourself to that. Don't belittle yourself. Please. I love you, I want you in any way I can have you. You don't have to be strong all the time. You can let go and I will catch you. I love you baby, hamesha." Forever.
Her eyes go wide. "That's my favorite word." She whispers.
"I remembered from the wedding." I give her a small smile.
She throws her arms around my neck and cries while I hold her tight. "I'm never going to leave you, baby."
She calms down after a little while.
"I don't deserve you." Her voice wavers as she looks into my eyes again.
"I'm pretty sure it's all of us who don't deserve you, Ana." I stroke her cheek and kiss her. "Your lips are so soft when you've been crying."
"I'm glad you still find me attractive when I'm a crying mess." She giggles.
"I wish I could take all your pain away." I say with sincerity. "You're the strongest woman I know. I don't know how you have so much patience and resolve to endure everything you have. Whenever I look at you, I fall even more in love with you. I can't help it."
"You're just saying that cause I give it up for free." She giggles.
"What?" I chuckle.
"Yeah, haven't you heard a free meal tastes way better than they one you work for? So yeah, you just love me cause the sex is free." She sasses.
"What can I say, I'm a freeloader." I smirk.
"Perv."
"Freak." I growl and kiss her all over making her laugh and squeal till she begs me to stop.
I hold her closer to me and wipe her tears as her breathing is back to normal.
"I do have one very important questions to ask."
She looks at me a little worried. "Okay..."
"Please tell me you high-fived him."
She bursts out laughing again. "All the time, Christian. All the damn time."
Authors Note: guys, for reals though. I think i'm molding now. This quaratine is not a cute look anymore.
Pinterest: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ Chapter 58-59 Miami Trip
Music:
Empty – PVRIS – whole chapter song basically. I was feeling dem vibes.