As Severus shut the door behind them, Hermione ignited the fireplace with a tired wave of her wand. Severus grabbed her wand arm, spun her, and pulled her into his chest in a crushing embrace. He buried his face into her hair.
"I am sorry," He said so softly she nearly missed it.
"It's all right," She assured him, relaxing into his embrace.
He let go of her, and his body sagged a bit at the loss of contact. He moved toward the cabinets above the sink and pulled a bottle of bourbon out and set it on the counter. "Do you like bourbon?"
"No," She said. "I'm not much of a liquor drinker..." She sounded anxious.
He glanced at her as he poured himself a glass. He sighed. "I assure you that I am not going off the rails, Hermione. You've watched me have a glass of wine or a glass of whiskey many times over the last couple of months. You needn't worry." She chewed the inside of her lip and moved to the couch. "Would you like wine? Or tea?" He offered.
"I'm all right," She said.
"Are you?" He asked as he moved in front of her. She glanced apprehensively at his glass. "You're nervous about this because..."
"Alcohol is a depressant..."
"And I am already depressed," He added, with a strange lightness. He walked to the sink and dumped the bourbon down it before sitting next to Hermione on the couch.
"I'm sorry," She said. "I realize that must've made me seem really controlling."
He shook his head. "I understand the concern."
"Do you blame Harry?" She asked suddenly.
He looked at her, his eyes searching hers. Then, he looked away. "Not as finitely as you might think."
"Harry was a baby, just like Neville, and you blamed Neville."
"I blamed Lily... For not forgiving me, for choosing James, for sacrificing herself..." Severus said. "I blamed Longbottom for not being the chosen one, which would have... kept her safe."
"And Harry?"
"In some ways, yes, I blamed him... That she chose James, and had a son, and she chose to sacrifice her life for their child's..."
"Any parent would..."
He looked at her, and she could see the broken boy he'd been so long ago. "Mine would not have."
Hermione swallowed, and then said, "I..."
"Do not apologize," He said harshly. "Mostly, I felt... hurt by Harry Potter. The eyes of the woman I ... loved on the face of the man I hated. He was the living, breathing, unceasingly annoying reminder of her choosing another man."
"Did you ever tell her how you felt?"
"No," He said. "Of course not. I have not changed so much in that regard."
"You've changed a bit. You've sort of admitted you like me... Some of the time," She said and nudged him with her foot.
His mood did not lighten. He sighed. "It is not so different now," He admitted heavily
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"You would not have chosen me." He said honestly. The words were filled with the most broken part of Severus, the root of all of his heartache. He had never been truly chosen in any meaningful way. His parents hadn't chosen to take care of him, to love gom how ant child deserves. Lily had not chosen him, and had instead chosen James. Albus had not chosen his safety or wellbeing. The world had not chosen to believe the good of his story.
They were botg quiet for a minute. Then, he spoke again. "If there had been no marriage law, if you had returned to teach here with none of this..." He gestured between the two of them. "What would you have thought of me? Don't try to placate me..." He narrowed his eyes.
"Before, I mostly felt... Sad when I thought about you. I know you hate pity, but it's... empathy. I felt sad you suffered so badly, sad you had such a horribly lonely... I would have tried to be friendly."
He studied her face for a moment, searching for a lie. Then, he nodded. "Of course. Hermione Granger and her projects..."
"You know I would have tried to be your friend," She said.
"I know," He said. His dark eyes moved to the floor. "That is quite different than what we have now."
"Stop it, Severus," She said. "You cannot think you would have suddenly wanted to shag me."
He looked at her. "I certainly would not have described it that way," He said lowly. "But I am human, Hermione, despite how I have repressed and guarded that part of myself."
She touched her hand to his face. "I know you're worried this isn't what I would have chosen, but you have no way of knowing that for certain. We were paired by the Ministry because we were deemed compatible. It certainly would not have progressed this quickly, but I don't think we could have denied this for long."
His eyes widened as he processed her words. Then he leaned forward and kissed her hard on the lips. His whole body shuddered. He pulled her closer to him and pulled back and looked into her eyes. He looked incredibly emotional. She moved over and straddled his lap. Her hands rested on either side of his face. "In this scenario, I did choose you, Severus. There were other options, ways for me to get around or out of this, and I choose you."
He gasped slightly, a tiny nose choked in the back of his throat. He looked away and over her shoulder. "I recognize that I have am... difficult, and damaged, but you are... Patient, and kind. I am grateful, Hermione." She smiled at him. She could see Severus again, the Severus she'd come to know in the last few months. Halloween was still around the corner, but his eyes were not so clouded with pain.
She leaned down and her hair cascaded around his face. She felt none of the emotional hesitancy she'd sensed in him the last couple of weeks as she kissed him. He slid his hands under her shirt and then pulled her flush against. He whimpered softly as he pressed his face into her neck, and she realized he was trembling. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she stroked the back of his head.
"Hermione," He whispered against her neck. "Thank you." She smiled as she kissed the top of his head and her fingers combed through his hair.