CHAPTER XIX: TUTELAGE

"How are you feeling?" Shalltear asks pleasantly as she throws another left hook at my raised forearms, the blow quickly followed by several others aimed at the same spot. I nod idly as she quickly completes her attack routine, my arms sore from the impacts but still able to move. Shalltear raises her forearms to block and my body quickly goes from defence to attack. I try to aim my strikes at the same spots repeatedly and accurately, the blows still sloppy and undisciplined in my eyes. I eventually growl an answer to her question during the routine but find the words hard to form while trying to focus. "I feel...better...it's hard but I...and I'm...I'm managing..."

"We had a grand funeral for both of them, worthy of nobles, and everyone in Nazarick came to pay their respects. What else do you need from us?" she says with concern, her concern causing me to growl in frustration. It still surprised me how much Shalltear had changed physically and mentally from the first time we met. She never wore her bow anymore and let her silver hair fall to her waist like a painted waterfall. The padding she used for her chest is gone and it feels odd to see her so natural and unembellished all the time. She catches onto my distracted gaze and smiles as she throws a light punch at my face, my arm rapidly raising to guard against the blow. I don't quite make it and the blow causes me to grunt in pain from the awkward impact on my forehead.

"You're distracted again," she tells me knowingly, my eyes trying to avoid her gaze but finding her gaze nonetheless. Every time I make eye contact with her or she asks questions nicely, I feel a compulsion to obey her that has become increasingly hard to resist. The dark thoughts that keep haunting my mind help me resist slightly but I eventually answer her question as we swap positions. My tone lacks any conviction or certainty as I say to her while blocking her punches, "I don't know what I need anymore...everything is so different now...I thought I was used to changes after so many changes but...this isn't the same..."

"Coping with the death of two loved ones is not the same," she replies as she throws a casual punch at my forearms, my mind distracted enough for her to get past my guard and land a punch on my chest before I can readjust. It doesn't hurt physically but the irritation I feel for letting my guard get bypassed is high. I try to focus on the unarmed drills more but the more I try to focus, the more distracted I become. Shalltear already sees my loss of focus and stops her next right punch midflow, her fists unclenching as she waltzes forward and moves her hands into mine. I relax my guard slightly and let her move our hands downwards, her eyes meeting mine as she whispers, "You're doing fine. We'll get through this."

She releases my left hand as we both perform the same action, our hands catching a pair of arrows before they can hit their intended target. The arrows are blunt, the arrow tips replaced with a woven sack tied to the shaft. Both of us quickly follow the trajectory of the arrow's flight to find Aura sitting in the Arena rafters, clearly bored by the way she has her bow in her lap and the way her elbows are on her knees. Mare is sitting next to her but doesn't look bored as he casually flips through the book he has in his lap. Aura groans and shouts at us, "You guys have been doing this same drill for months now! It's boring! When are we gonna do something exciting!?"

"Three months, two weeks, and four days," Mare corrects with a mild shout, Aura snorting to herself at being corrected. She quickly resumes her thoughts, ignoring Mares contribution as she blurts, "It's been almost four months! Are we gonna do something, anything, more exciting?"

"You don't have to watch," Shalltear replies firmly, Aura rising from her seat as if challenged by the words. Though Shalltear sounds challenging, she makes no moves to rise to Aura's posturing and as Aura notices the lack of response, she snorts again and says in a mocking tone, "What happened to you!? You used to be willing to fight anyone that slighted you and now you're all...diplomatic and normal and stuff! You've been this way ever since Beric proposed to you! I don't like it!"

"He relies on me to be stable and calm so I'm stable and calm. I don't need to explain it again," Shalltear replies with the same level of calm and firmness. Aura, in reply, makes a sour face and primes two more blunt arrows before raising her bow and loosing the arrows in one instance. Arrows fly towards us at incredible speed but are easily deflected by one sweep of my left arm. Aura turns her ire on me and shouts, "And what happened to you!? Aren't you supposed to be grieving right now!? Why did you immediately jump into someone else's bed before you mourned the immediate loss!?"

"We've been over this too," I reply with a hint of irritation in my voice. Aura had been bringing up the same topics for four days straight and it was getting old fast. I smile to myself as I retort back at her, "Aren't you supposed to be scouting the Slane Theocracy right now? The campaign starts in a few months."

Aura smiles smugly before snapping back at me, "As a matter of fact, I have been! Everything will be ready by the time we decide to conquer that land! Unlike some of us, I've left Nazarick to do useful things."

"Lets cut to the point. What do you want from us now?" I reply as nicely as I can manage, Aura took aback by the direct approach. Usually, we would banter constantly about things all parties already knew but I wasn't in the mood for that today. Even Shalltear is taken aback by my directness but more out of approval than disapproval. Aura already has her demands ready and snaps at us, "I want all of this to speed up! Why do you guys need to practice the marriage ceremony so much!? Just have the ceremony already and have kids so we can have something interesting of our own to cherish!"

"It's not that simple," Shalltear interjects before I can, our thoughts aligning for this moment. Her eyes glance at me briefly but tell me to let her handle Aura, something I'm all too willing to let her do. Shalltear releases my hands and walks slowly towards Aura as she explains calmly, "Demiurge isn't sure he can pull off what your asking. Do you want us to bring a child into the world on a chance? I sure as hell don't-"

"That's just not true and you know it!" Aure interrupts harshly. Mare starts to pay more attention to the conversation, his book closing lightly as Aura shouts again with more fervour, "If anyone can pull off an interspecies baby, it's Demiurge and his crazy know-how! You're just holding off because you don't think you're ready for kids! Don't think you've changed so much that I don't know how you think!"

"Yes, I'm not ready for kids! This is a sudden change in my life so have some respect for the person who has to live with it!" Shalltear snaps back but Aura crouches down and leaps down into the sandpit in reply. Her landing barely causes the sand to move but she quickly gets up from her crouch and walks up to Shalltear with a look of growing anger. She rants at her as she approaches, "They aren't your kids! We had an agreement! Are you saying you're gonna end up like Albedo and-"

I tense my muscles as I realize what's about to happen. Shalltear strikes faster than I can see or hear and in seconds, Aura is on the ground holding the left side of her face in surprise. She looks up at Shalltear who doesn't raise her voice but from her body language, Shalltear is furious at what she just implied. "I'm going to pretend you weren't about to say that. As for what you meant, I still hold to our agreement but will fulfil said agreement on my terms, not yours."

The following moment of silence is painful to experience. I can see Aura look away in her struggle with the ideas of fighting back or accepting the words, personally unsure of which way she'll swing. I feel my stomach turn when she turns back and hisses up at Shalltear while rising groggily to her feet, "You're just like Bukubukuchagama...you think you know what's best for us...yet all you do is care about yourself...what about us?..."

I look up at Mare in the rafters as he quickly gets up and leaps into the sandpit. He lands just as gently and approaches us but doesn't look like he wants to be here anymore. I share his thoughts and remain tense to see what happens next, expecting Shalltear to strike her again for acting like this. However, Shalltears fury dissipates quickly as she signs sadly, her hands gently helping Aura up so they can both be standing. Aura is taken by surprise by her sudden smile and Shalltear says while dusting her off, "I'm not your creator. I'm more like your older sister...so have a little more faith in me, will you? I'm not about to doublecross you because we're family. That means something to us, right?"

It's enough to bring Aura to tears and Shalltear holds her in an embrace, shushing her and telling her that it's okay and that all is forgiven. I relax my tense muscles and exhale loudly in relief, thankful that the situation is de-escalated before worse could happen. Mare is brought to tears by the sudden emotional exchange and Shalltear gestures with her hands to both of us to come closer. We both walk towards them and share in the embrace, Shalltear whispering as we hug together, "I know that you two are trying very hard to fight change and I know what that's like because I used to be that way. This isn't Yggdrasil anymore so nothing is timeless like it used to be...do you want to be the two shorties forever?"

"No..." Aura whispers with a whimper, Shalltear holding her tighter to try and squeeze out her sadness. I place my hand on Aura's cheek, allowing foreign elvish magic to flow through my body and heal what little damage she has on her face. Shalltear gives me a hard look but doesn't stop me, my eyes staring back at her with equal intensity. Aura smiles and places her left hand over mine, saying with amusement, "Wow...I don't remember you having that ability..."

"He doesn't..." Shalltear replies with hostility, my head nodding as I move my right hand back for an embrace. Aura is curious only for a second but quickly understands what Shalltear means, the sadness she feels forgotten in the face of a growing quarrel. Shalltear quickly asks nicely for Aura and Mare to leave us for a moment, the two dark elves snickering to each other as they wander back to the rafters at a stroll. As soon as they're far enough away, Shalltear turns to me and snaps at me, "I thought we agreed that you would never use that magic again."

I'm quickly reminded of the months we spent trying to figure out what could be done to fix my flaws. The only thing we found out, for sure, was that my essence was permanently fused to Roeray and Doris and that using any of their abilities fractured my soul. I try to speak but she doesn't let me, her right hand rising to silence me as she snaps, "I don't need excuses or explanations. I know that it's hard to resist using that power given how easy it is to access but you risk too much. What will happen if you fracture your soul and it stays broken? Do you ever think of that consequence of what you're doing?"

"Every day...you remind me every day..." I reply in embarrassment, Shalltear exhaling angrily as she retorts with a frown, "And I would like to not have to remind you every day but you're so stubborn and are still stubborn. I didn't think being attached to you would be so exhausting but now I understand too well."

"I'm...trying but..." I start to say but Shalltear gives me a harsh look in reply, my words dying in my throat in the face of her ire. She taunts me to finish my thought as if it was the most important explanation I have, my words stumbling as I murmur aloud, "...I'm hearing...the voices again...in my dreams...and when I use the magic..."

"This again," Shalltear states with an exasperated exhale, her anger slowly dissipating as she shakes her head and tells me to come to her. I do so slowly and feel my body relax when she embraces me, a reluctant sigh escaping her as she whispers, "Demiurge is handling it, remember? You need to be patient and stop trying to force things forward because disobeying me and him isn't helping you, okay?"

"Okay..." I whisper as she gives me a light kiss on the left cheek, a smile crossing my face from the show of affection. The smile is immediately wiped away when a blunt arrow hits me on the right cheek and causes my head to whip to the left slightly. Shalltear backs her head away and chuckles as she whispers, "You shouldn't have let your guard down. They didn't wander that far."

The sound of Aura yelling about her triumph after months of waiting follows. Though I'm annoyed, it's a welcome change in her mood after months of moping and complaining about being bored. I hear the gate open near them as Aura leaves the Arena after accomplishing what she set out to do, Mare joining her and saying his goodbyes before departing. The silence they leave behind is eerie and part of me misses their presence.

"Now that they're gone," Shalltear says as she turns my head back towards her and kisses me on the lips, the surprise clear on my face as she pushes me to the ground. I try to sit up or fend her off but she quickly pins my arms to the sand, her strength no longer held back. I'm able to say a few words in between kisses, the effort of speaking difficult against her aggressiveness. "Right...here?...but we...and..."

She gasps as she relents and relaxes her grip on my arms but from the manic look in her eyes and the manic smile on her face, there's only one thing she's after. Too many encounters prior had proven my assumption and before I can say anything rational or at all, she states forcefully, "You made me this way so your gonna help me fix it. Ever since that first time, I can't stop myself from wanting more and more from you-"

Forming thoughts and words is hard with her pressing herself against me but I'm able to reply, "This will pass over time...Demiurge...you just need to take deep breathes and-"

I feel myself falling and know that negotiations are off the table. Shalltear already moved us where she wanted and persists in her madness by undressing me as we land on her bedspread. Her hands expertly undo what little clothing I have on due to plenty of practice and I try to resist by holding her hands but to little success. She quickly tosses my shorts aside but says to me angrily as she pulls down my underwear, "Are you gonna make me do all the work again!?"

I sigh in frustration as I reach around her back to undo the laces of her corset, my body having to lean forward to keep pace with her movements. It's difficult to pull the corset off her while she's moving but I manage it barely, her hands already reaching back to unlatch her bra. I whisper to her in frustration as the bra comes away, "This isn't helping. It's bad enough we do this before we go to bed at night but doing this midday too?"

"Oh, now you're the restrained one? I don't recall you resisting the first few times we did this," Shalltear retorts with grim humour but something in her tone makes me feel unsure. I stop her by gently pulling her upwards by the waist, her body resisting at first but slowly relenting until she's laying on top of me. Something in her posture and gaze feels abnormal and I whisper to her, "What's wrong? There's something you're keeping to yourself and it shows."

"I'm not keeping anything to myself," Shalltear replies too quickly but it's obvious that she's lying by the way she looks away. I nudge her face back towards me with my nose, her head resisting but slowly turning back towards me. Her hands suddenly move to my shoulders and we make eye contact, her eyes crazed as she blurts out in a panic, "What if Demiurge does find something!? What if you pull off the impossible and they come back!? What happens to me then!? Am I just tossed aside so she can return to the spot she vacated!?"

"No, and I keep telling you no," I answer firmly but Shalltear isn't convinced. I feel her nails bite into my scales as she holds my shoulders too tightly, her voice becoming more desperate and demanding as she shouts, "How do I know that!? It hasn't happened yet and I... I'm afraid, okay!? I'm afraid that it'll happen! Do you have any idea what it feels like to be in my position!?"

"Shalltear," I state as I gently align her head with my hands, tears already rolling down her face from releasing so many pent up emotions and displaying so much honesty. It makes me feel worse for making her cry and I use my thumbs to wipe away her tears as I whisper slowly, "I love you...nothing is going to change that and I'm not about to change paths again. We both chose this and even if something does develop, I'm not leaving you. I don't always know how to help you with your fears but I can listen to them...talk to me...just as you're asking me to talk to you."

Talking isn't the option she chooses. Her arms wrap around me as her lips meet mine in too passionate a kiss. Part of me regrets that I'm caving to her demands and, once again, falling into the trap that we're supposed to avoid but as I flip myself on top of her, the regret quickly leaves my thoughts. I shut the thinking part of my brain off and stop caring about what we should be doing, switching to instincts to continue forward. Both of us are shaking and it's not because of the coming interaction.

I'm as afraid of losing her as she is of losing me.