Throw Me to The Wolves & I Will Return Leading the Pack
Summary:Morgan, the newest member of SVU hasn't had much luck with men, but her new partner might just be the one for her, if only she could let Sonny Carisi know. Men come much easier to her friend Riley, who's maybe not prepared for the challenge that Peter Stone provides.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Law and Order SVU, Morgan and Riley however are all mine.
Chapter 32:
Sonny had come to pick Morgan up at the hospital and together the two of them had headed back to Riley and Peter's place. She knew what she had to do so when Sonny pulled into the driveway, Morgan immediately headed for the house and went right for the bedroom, stripping down the bed sheets and throwing them in the washing machine in the hopes that she could get most of the blood out.
Sonny had carried Michael up the stairs in his carrier and set it on the bed while he fished around for some more comfortable clothes for both Peter and Riley. When Morgan wandered back into the bedroom, her arms occupied with a clean set of bedsheets, she let out a soft sigh and leaned against the side of the doorframe, looking at Sonny as he made a small pile of clothes on the bare mattress next to their slumbering son.
"How was she when you left?" Sonny asked, breaking the silence that had fallen over them since he had initially picked her up at the hospital. Morgan had been waiting outside the doors with a solemn look on her face and all she had done was let out a soft groan as she climbed into the car, peeking back to get a look at her baby. "I sort of talked to Stone but he didn't say much, other than I'm supposed to make sure his work is taken care of for tomorrow."
"Oh." Morgan bowed her head and took her bottom lip in between her teeth. "Yeah, makes sense, he was pretty rattled when I left, as for Riley, she's uh…I don't know if devastated is a strong enough word."
"That bad huh?"
"Yeah." Morgan nodded, bringing her head up to look at Sonny, her eyes shiny with unshed tears. "Poor girl's been trying forever to get pregnant and now it's just…she's just not."
Sonny wandered over towards his wife and gingerly took the sheets from her hold, tossing them towards the bed and watching as they landed up near the pillows. He then took her in his arms and held her tightly, trying to reassure her that it was okay, everything was going to be okay. Morgan was saddened by the events of the day too and Sonny had no idea what she was truly thinking.
He was scared to know what was going through her head, but he knew that talking about it would be better for her than bottling it up inside.
"This stuff happens." Sonny murmured, pressing a sweet little kiss to the side of her head. She felt her body relax in his hold and she lifted her arms up, hugging him back tight. "Through no fault of Riley's."
"Try telling her that." Morgan mumbled but didn't let go of him. She let him hold her and after a good amount of time, she reluctantly peeled herself away from him, putting space between them and looking into his eyes. His palms gently rested against her jawline and his thumbs brushed away the tears that were streaking her cheeks.
"It'll hurt for a while but Riley's strong." Sonny remarked. "She can get through this."
Morgan wasn't so sure, not this time at least. Being pregnant, having a baby of her own, was something Riley had wanted for a long time and she had tried so hard. It didn't matter though, for whatever cruel reason, fate was having none of it. Riley was a good person, she deserved to have a child of her own.
So what was stopping her? What was the reason why she couldn't have a baby? Had she done something bad in a previous life and was being punished now? Was there some big, bad secret she had kept from Morgan that warranted a punishment such as not being able to have a baby?
No matter the scenario Morgan thought up, she knew that her friend had shit rotten luck. There was no reason for this devastation, and all Morgan could do was clean up the mess, literally, and take her some clothes that she could change into later.
"What if that was me, what if I was the one who had to go to the hospital only to find out that I had lost our baby?" Morgan questioned, her voice barely louder than a whisper. "What if I couldn't have kids?"
"You can though." Sonny pointed out and motioned towards the baby residing in the carrier on the bed. "So don't you start playing the 'what if' game Mo because that shit will eat you up. We're lucky that we have Michael, so don't go there."
"Yeah, okay, you're right." Morgan sighed in response.
"I love you, and our son so much."
She pressed her lips together and gave him a firm nod of her head. He was right, she didn't have to play that game because she already had a baby and if that was the only baby she did have, then she would be all the more grateful for it because she knew there was always a possibility that she could wind up like Riley.
Her friend was in so much pain, and it was more than just physical. She had been so happy when she informed Morgan of the great news and now it was over, in the blink of an eye, her happiness had disintegrated and turned to sadness- no, it was more than sadness.
Morgan couldn't even come up with a word for how Riley was feeling.
"Let's get this bed made, then one of us can swing by the hospital. We can meet back at the house." Sonny suggested, giving her arm a gentle squeeze before turning towards the bed.
He wandered close enough to grab hold of Michael's carrier before lifting it up carefully and setting it on the floor near the wall. Morgan followed his lead and picked out the fitted sheet from the pile before dropping the rest to the floor by her feet. Her arms went up in the air with the sheet in her hold and it flowed open, Sonny grabbing the one side while she hung on to the other, together, the two of them made the bed.
When the sheets were all on and the comforter was spread out, pillows in place too, Morgan went right for Michael and crouched down, checking on him. It was late at night and the boy was clearly tired, plus he had been in the car prior to being brought into the house, the car always seemed to lull him to sleep. She didn't wake him and made her way back to her feet before hauling him up into her hold.
"Sonny?" Morgan turned to face him and he held the extra clothes in his arms. "Can you see if you can find Ry's Yankee bear?"
"Uh?" He tilted his head sideways and Morgan let out a low chuckle before sauntering over to Riley's side of the bed. She bent down cautiously and reached into the hollowed-out portion of the nightstand, wrapping her hand around the bear in question and hauling it out by the neck. "Yankee bear, I see what you mean now."
"Literally." Morgan smiled at him and set the stuffed bear into the carrier with Michael, who was undisturbed by the action. Once she was set and ready to go the two of them headed down the stairs, Sonny stopping in the kitchen to throw the clothes into a plastic bag.
Together they went to the driveway and without words, Sonny took Michael while Morgan grabbed the bear and the clothes, the two of them planning to go their separate ways. Sonny had to go to work the next morning and cover Peter's work on top of his own. Morgan was more concerned with her friend and since she didn't have to be at work as early, she would be the one to take the stuff to the hospital, then she'd meet Sonny back at home.
Wordlessly, they parted and climbed into their vehicles, Sonny leaving first with Michael in his possession. Morgan hesitated in the driveway and waited until she couldn't see Sonny anymore before letting out a low sigh.
Sure, he had told her not to play the 'what if' game but it's all she found herself doing. It was a terrible thought, the idea of losing a baby like Riley had. Morgan felt bad for her friend, she was in pain at the thought of Riley having to go through all that, to be so excited one day and so utterly ruined the next.
Arriving at the hospital, Morgan parked the car and climbed out, making sure she had the things that she had brought for them. With the teddy bear in one hand and the bag of clothes in the other, Morgan wandered through the hospital, heading right for where she had left Riley.
Wandering into the dim room, she held her breath and immediately spotted Peter sitting in a chair next to the hospital bed holding Riley. He was looking at her, but Morgan could tell within seconds that she was out cold, whether from the chaotic emotions or from something the hospital might've given her, she didn't know.
"I brought you some clothes." Morgan whispered, stepping into the room and lowering herself down in the empty chair next to Peter. He nodded his thanks and took the bag from Morgan's hand, but his eyes were locked on Riley, who, even in sleep, looked desolated. "She's sleeping, I, uh, I guess I wasn't really expecting that."
"She had a panic attack after you left. It was pretty bad, so the doctor offered to give her something to calm her down and she took it, now here we are; she's sleeping like a baby…"
"Sort of funny." Morgan supplied with a forced smile. Yeah, the word had caught her off guard but it wasn't like he had intentionally said it, it was just a saying, a phrase that was common, and honestly, it applied to Riley.
"Bad choice of words." Peter let out with a sigh. "I wish I was offered some drugs too, then I could be sleeping just like her."
"Yeah but she's eventually going to have to wake up." Morgan said. "I can't imagine that's going to be easy for her."
"Not even a little bit." Peter replied. He sucked in a breath and shifted closer to the bed, slipping his free hand onto the top of Riley's. She didn't move, and he thanked the heavens above for that. Her sleeping meant a little more time for him to spend alone with his thoughts.
He knew it was going to be hard for Riley, but it was hard for him too. He had been with her every step of the way, he had wanted this as bad as Riley, but he knew she would definitely take it harder. She had been dealing with her issues for a lot longer.
Morgan leaned over and took his free hand in hers, giving it a reassuring squeeze, "if you want, you can go home, maybe have a shower, grab something to eat. I can stay with her for a while and keep her company, I can call you when she wakes up."
He shook his head no and gave her hand a squeeze back. His eyes raked over Riley's body and when Morgan leaned forward and placed the Yankees bear on the bed beside her, he couldn't help but let out a soft chuckle. Morgan relaxed back in the chair and looked sideways at Peter, who finally tore his eyes away from Riley to meet her gaze.
"What am I supposed to do now?" Peter asked softly. "Where are we supposed to go from here?"
Morgan shrugged, "honestly, I don't know, just give her some time before you cross that bridge maybe?"
With a nod of his head, a silence fell over them that neither of them tried to break, Morgan merely watching her friend as she slumbered, Peter doing the same while both of them silently prayed that things would be okay.
XxxxxxXxxxxxXxxxxxX
Riley was at home, in the bed that Morgan and Sonny had been nice enough to clean up for them. Morgan had even washed the sheets, putting them in a folded pile on the top of Peter's dresser for whenever he felt the need to change them back. For now though, Riley was tucked under the covers, her teddy bear clutched against her chest and her body curled into a ball. Peter had been laying next to her for close to two hours by this point but he knew that he had to get up and do something other than lay in his bed next to a silent Riley.
She didn't seem to want to talk, not that he could blame her, but she also didn't seem to want to even look at him, like this was somehow his fault. He wasn't going to press her on it though, she was clearly upset and considering she was prone to panic attacks, he wasn't going to try to talk to her until she seemed ready; when that would be though, he had no idea.
There were so many questions that he had for her, but he knew it was too soon to ask her things like; did she want to try in vitro again, or did she want to move away from that and consider other options? Asking her things like that, at this point in time, seemed cruel, especially so soon after their loss.
Riley would come around eventually, but for now he'd leave her alone and let her grieve.
Moving on the bed, he twisted his body to the edge of the bed and shifted away from her, planting his feet on the ground. He hesitated though and peered over his shoulder at her figure. She had turned her head to see what he was doing and when Peter's eyes met hers, she immediately shied away.
"You feeling okay?" Peter asked, daring to speak to her but fearful of her answer.
"Everything aches but it's fine." She replied and let out a yawn. "Where are you going?"
Pausing, he turned all the way around and faced her, wondering if he should just stay with her. She was clearly hurting, more than just physically, but she wasn't ready to talk about it. Fine with him, he wasn't totally ready to talk about it either, even though there were so many things he was itching to know.
"I was going to do some work." Peter answered.
"Oh."
"I can stay."
Riley sucked in a breath and slowly struggled her way into a sitting position, the teddy bear hugged tight against her chest. She let out a soft sigh and looked down at the covers. She didn't know what she was feeling at that moment other than angry. Her body hurt but it was like her heart couldn't connect with her head. She knew she was saddened by what had happened, but she also wasn't sure she accepted it. She was mad that she had lost her baby after trying so hard just to get pregnant in the first place.
What was the point of this? Why had she gotten pregnant only to end up losing it weeks later? Was it her fault, had she done something wrong? She was mad at the world, but she was also mad at herself.
"You don't have to stay with me every second." Riley said, her voice soft.
"I want to."
"I'm literally just laying here." She pointed out with a scoff. "You can go work if you want, in fact, if you want to go to work for a little while, I'd be okay with that too."
Peter's eyes narrowed in on her and she forced a smile onto her face. He knew it wasn't genuine because it didn't reach her eyes, but the fact that she was trying to talk to him, to let him know she didn't need him by her side every second of every day, was somewhat reassuring. At the very least, if she was talking to him, she wasn't falling into a catatonic state, which had been a fear of his.
"And just leave you here?"
"I'm a grown ass woman."
"Who suffered a pretty big trauma." Peter pointed out, the words flooding out of his mouth before he could really stop them. He stared at Riley, waiting for her to break down, to start crying or worse; have a panic attack. She didn't though, she merely looked at him, studying him.
"I probably should've expected it." She huffed. "Why would I be able to actually stay pregnant when, up until this time, I've never even been able to get pregnant."
"I don't…" He trailed off, unsure of what to say to her.
"Just…don't feel like you have to stay by my side Peter." Riley carried on. "You can go work downstairs or you can go to your office and work there, whatever you want to do."
"Riley, are you sure?"
"Honestly, I could do with a little time without you attached to my hip." She teased and stuck her tongue out at him. Huh, well, when she put it that way, she probably would benefit from some time away from him. He hadn't been much further than an arm's length away since arriving at the hospital.
At least with him gone, she'd maybe be able to process the whole miscarriage without having to worry about how he was going to react. Being alone, even if it was just long enough for him to run to his office and grab some files, might be good for her. He leaned in, shifting closer to her on the bed, and pressed a kiss to the side of her head. Riley loosened her grip on the teddy bear and slipped her arms around his middle, hugging him instead.
It was nice, Peter was warm and comforting when all she had held onto since arriving home had been the bear. An inanimate object had been providing her comfort all along when she had a loving husband in Peter Stone. Sucking in a breath, she hesitantly released him and gave his leg a rough pat, signaling that he was good to go.
"If you need me, you call." Peter instructed and she gave him a nod of her head. "Anything, okay? Even if you just want me to come home."
"I will."
"Okay." Peter bowed his head and seriously considered not leaving. He needed a distraction though and work seemed like the best option. He could easily run to the office, grab some stuff and come back, all within an hour. She would be okay, she had to be okay, because eventually they'd have to talk about what their next move was.
"Seriously." Riley widened her eyes at him, wondering why he wasn't jumping at the opportunity. Peter pressed another quick kiss to the side of her head and practically hopped off the bed, heading out of the bedroom, leaving her there all on her own.
She let out a sigh and merely listened to the noises coming from down the stairs. Reaching over to her nightstand, she grabbed hold of her phone and looked at the screen, seeing that her mom had texted her to see how she was doing.
Well that wasn't really a surprise, Riley's mother loved her, she cared about her, so her asking how she was doing made sense. What didn't make sense was the sudden urge to get out of the house, out of the bed where it had all happened and go to her mother.
Was she crazy? Was she absolutely insane?
All she wanted to do was get the hell out of the house and feel her mother hugging her.
When she heard the front door shut, Riley straightened up and threw the covers off of her. Before she could think twice, she climbed out of the bed and went in search of a pair of sweatpants, pulling them on over her pajama shorts. She then looked for a sweater and pulled it on, zipping it up and stuffing her hands into the pockets.
She rolled her shoulders back, freed her hands from the pockets and grabbed the phone, which had been discarded on the bed. Heading down the stairs, she made her way to the front door where she slipped on a pair of running shoes, grabbed her purse and the keys, then headed out the door to the car left in the driveway.
Riley unlocked the car and hoisted herself in, settling into the seat and closing the door. She gripped the steering wheel and blew out a sigh.
Was she really ready to just drive to Boston to see her mother? Was a phone call not sufficient enough?
Turning the key in the ignition, she started the car and backed out onto the road, hoping that she'd figure out what she really wanted out of seeing her mother.
She had just over three hours to come up with some sort of answer. She also had three hours to be alone with her thoughts.
She didn't know what was scarier?
XxxxxxXxxxxxXxxxxxX
Peter had been longer at his office than he intended but he hadn't figured he'd been gone long enough for Riley to have left the house. She was nowhere to be seen; without a note, or a text. Where had she gone?
Why hadn't she called him if there was something she needed?
Peter wandered around the house but pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and shot off a text to her, asking where she was. He waited a few minutes for a reply, giving her leeway in case she was driving, but when ten minutes went by and still no reply, he dialed her cell number and lifted the phone to his ear.
It rang four times before going to voicemail, which meant she wasn't deliberately ignoring his call right off the bat, but what was going on, where was she and why wasn't she exactly where he had left her?
Peter ended the call and tried once more, but when he still didn't get an answer, he immediately called Morgan. She answered on the second ring, which Peter was thankful for.
"What's up Peter?" Morgan quipped right from the get go and he winced at her chipper tone. If she was with Riley, things must've been going well, which only deepened his worry. He highly doubted that Morgan would be answering so cheerfully if she was with Riley.
"Do you know where Ry is?" He asked, not wasting any time in getting to the point. Maybe if he put Morgan on the case, she'd end up lucky enough to figure it out before he got to the point where he was well and truly scared for Riley. "I ran to my office and when I came back, she was just gone."
"What?" Morgan's voice went from happy to panicked in a split second. "What do you mean she's gone?"
"Her car's gone, so I'm guessing she left, but she's not replying to my text nor is she answering her phone." Peter explained but Morgan felt her heart starting to pick up in speed. Riley wasn't the type of person who didn't not answer her phone- unless she was someplace where she couldn't.
Where would she have gone? Or maybe she was driving, but still, why would she have felt the need to drive anywhere? The last Morgan had heard from her, she had been holed up in her room trying to come to terms with what had happened. Had something more happened to her and she had felt the need to go to the hospital?
If that was the case though, surely she would've told someone; either Peter or Morgan.
"Would she have gone to work?" Morgan posed and Peter let out a low groan. No, Riley hadn't seemed like she had been thinking about work at all, she had made no mention of it, plus, Peter didn't want to call her boss and end up worrying people, not yet anyways. Surely there was a reasonable explanation as to where she was.
"Doubtful." Peter answered. "What about friends?"
"Peter, I'm her best friend, if she was going to see anyone, she'd come and see me."
"You have a baby." Peter blurted out. Oh dear Jesus, he was right, she did have a baby, and Riley had just lost hers. Maybe being so confident in her exclamation was premature. Riley probably wasn't ready to face seeing her baby boy, not when she was still so raw, so upset. "I didn't mean to sound harsh."
"No, no you're right." Morgan breathed the words out. "Have you talked to her mom? Maybe she knows where she is?"
"Right, yeah, okay, I'll call Audrey and see, then I'll call you back and let you know?"
"Please."
Morgan ended the phone call without waiting for him to say goodbye. As soon as he could, Peter dialed Audrey's number and pressed the phone back to his ear, listening as it rang a total of three times before his mother-in-law's voice came on the line.
"Hello?"
"Hey Audrey, it's Peter." Peter stated. "I'm uh, I was wondering if you've heard from Riley lately?"
Audrey let out a low hum and Peter tensed at the thought. If Audrey hadn't heard from Riley, he wasn't sure where he was going to try next. He didn't know many of her friends from work, and yet again, he didn't want to alarm anyone if there was nothing to worry about. Riley had taken the car so she had left out of her own free will, right?
But that didn't make him feel any better, no, because he still had no idea where she was.
"I texted her a few hours ago." Audrey answered. "Not since then though. Is everything alright?"
Peter shook his head but quickly realized that the woman couldn't see him, "no, it's not. I left Riley at home to run to the office and when I got back, she was gone."
"Gone?"
"She's gone, the car's gone, I tried to call her but she didn't answer- I'm worried about her."
Audrey let out a soft sigh on the other end of the line and Peter tensed at the sound. He prayed that she would have a lead for him, she had to know something about her daughter, someplace that Riley would go. He didn't have anything else to go on- well that wasn't true, he could maybe try getting a hold of her dad but he doubted she'd go anywhere near him, not when he hadn't even been invited to the wedding.
Perhaps Audrey knew of some other family member though, someone else that Riley might turn to?
"Peter, I'm sure she's fine." Audrey's voice was soothing but it didn't really quell his worries. Where the hell was Riley? How could she just up and leave without letting him know where she was going? And then to not even answer her phone- god he was growing angrier with each passing second that he didn't hear back from her. "But if I hear anything from her, you'll be the first one I call."
"Thanks." Peter let out a low growl and ended the phone call. He debated calling Morgan back but sent her a text message instead. Once that was done, he tried one more time to get through to Riley but this time it went to voicemail after just one ring. He was starting to get frustrated at her because he didn't know where she was, or if she was okay.
There was nothing standing between her and another panic attack and he hated the idea that she was out there by herself, without him to look out for her. She was broken, hurting and in pain, and now she was alone.
Why had she left? Why hadn't she just waited for him to come back and talk to him?
Peter wasn't sure what he was going to do but he'd give her a little bit more time to return his calls; he just hoped she was okay.
XxxxxxXxxxxxXxxxxxX
Riley let out a long sigh as she pulled into her mother's driveway. She wasn't sure what her grand plan was but now that she was here, now that she was in Boston, she knew there was no turning back. Climbing out of the car, Riley wandered to the front step and stood there, sucking in a breath, holding it for a few seconds and then letting it out. She could feel her heart pounding inside her chest and found herself wondering why she was so anxious.
She was just here to visit her mother, so why was she nearing a fit of panic.
Slowly and carefully, she brought her hand up and knocked, not expecting the door to open so quickly. When she saw her mom standing there though, she took a step back, the wild look in Audrey's eye had her on edge. Uh oh, that look was never good, not for Riley, or her rising panic.
She held her breath and tried to calm her thoughts. This was her mother, she would love her no matter what, even if she looked at her like a wild animal looked at prey.
"What in the hell are you doing here?" Audrey leveled her daughter with a fixed look and Riley immediately threw up her hands in a defensive manner. "Your husband is going frantic looking for you."
"What?" Riley countered, dropping her hands to her sides. Peter was…he was frantic?
"He called me, asked me if I had heard from you because you were just gone."
"Oh." Riley had the decency to drop her gaze to her feet in embarrassment. Okay, so maybe she hadn't thought it through that much, she had actually forgotten about Peter not knowing she was heading to her mother's, but now that she was aware of his franticness, she was starting to feel really, really guilty.
"You weren't answering your phone." Audrey pointed out.
Riley pulled her phone from her pocket and looked at the screen, her eyes widening at the number of missed calls from both Peter and Morgan, even a couple from her own mother. She had more texts messages from the three of them and suddenly her stomach dropped.
Oh god, she hadn't meant to cause Peter to worry, she just…she just wanted to see her mother, she wanted to get out of the house and away from the bed where everything had gone wrong, she needed some time to herself. This was bad though, this was beyond what she had planned.
"You call that boy right now Riley." Audrey commanded and Riley meekly nodded before doing just that.
She pressed the phone against her ear and remained on the front step of her mother's house, waiting for Peter to pick up. When he did, she could hear in his voice how truly worried he was about her and her heart dropped into her stomach. Good lord what had she done?
"My god Riley, where are you? Are you okay?" Peter was frantic and she felt her whole body tense at the sound.
"I didn't mean to scare you." She murmured, her voice barely audible.
"Riley, please tell me you're okay?" He pleaded and she sucked in a breath, meeting her mother's hard stare.
"I'm safe. I guess I'm as good as I can be considering." She paused and sucked in an anxious breath. "I'm actually in Boston."
"Boston?"
"Yeah." She let out a sigh. "I came to see my mom."
"Riley-"
"I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to make you worry."
"Riley please talk to me here?"
"I'll call you later." She whispered and ended the call, looking directly at her mother. Her eyes welled up with tears and before Audrey could say another word, Riley flung herself forward and buried herself in her mother's hold.
Audrey led her into the house, shutting the door behind her before feeling Riley collapsed against her, the two of them slowly moving to the ground. Riley's back was against the door and Audrey shifted so that she was sitting beside her daughter, her arm around her shoulders as she hugged her for comfort.
"Oh baby girl." Audrey cooed and Riley buried her face into her shoulder. "I'm so sorry that all this shit happened to you."
Riley didn't say a word in response, instead, she let her phone fall to the floor and held on to her mother tighter, not wanting to let her go. She clung to her and felt herself tensing at the thought of leaving Peter behind in New York.
He didn't deserve this from her, he didn't deserve to be treated as an afterthought but honestly, at the time she had left, all she had wanted to do was get to her mother. Peter Stone was a god send to her and now she felt even worse about herself than she already did.
"Riley, you'll be okay."
Letting out a sob, she ran her hand through her hair and swiped at the tears streaming down her face. Audrey let out a soft sigh and rested her chin on top of Riley's head, running her hand up and down her back in a lame attempt to soothe her daughter.
"Mom…I'm so sorry."
"For what?"
"I don't know, everything." Riley cried out and she pulled out of her mom's hold, wrapping her arms around her knees instead. Her chin resided on her kneecaps and she stared straight ahead, wondering how anyone could even like her at this point in time. She had up and left Peter at home without a note or a text to let him know what she was planning, then she had just shown up at her mother's house, three hours away, without warning.
What if her mother had plans that didn't involve her? What if Audrey didn't let her stay there? It was a long drive back to New York and Riley wasn't ready to make that trip again and be left alone with her thoughts for another three hours.
"Be sorry for giving your poor guy a heart attack but other than that, you have nothing to be sorry for."
"It's my fault though."
"The baby?" Audrey pressed, Riley merely nodded her head, fearful of vocalizing her answer. "Honey, that was not your fault. Sometimes women just miscarry, for whatever reason. It wasn't meant to be for you this time."
"This time…" Riley repeated her mother's last words and shook her head. "I don't think there's going to be a next time."
Audrey reached out and set her palm on Riley's knee, giving it a gentle squeeze. She wasn't sure what exactly her daughter was thinking but she knew that she'd be alright eventually. She was a great woman, she had an amazing man, and from what Audrey could see, her and Peter had a pretty decent relationship. She just hoped Riley hadn't scared him away by running off to Boston without a single word of warning.
"That's for you to decide Riley. You can try to get pregnant again whichever way you want, or you can stop trying and move on to other options." Audrey supplied. "You know, when I was younger, I couldn't get pregnant either but your father stuck by me while we went through all sorts of methods to try. We looked into adoption at one point because it just wasn't happening, hell Riley, I've had a couple miscarriages of my own."
"What?" Riley stared sideways at her.
"I've been where you are, twice actually." Audrey carried on. "Miscarrying- well it's one of the worst feelings in the world and I blamed myself for it too, until I went to a counselor and realized that nothing I could've done would've changed anything."
"Really?"
"Riley, sometimes bad things happen for no explainable reason. You can't blame yourself for something that you can't control."
She took her mother's words to heart and let them sink in. She still felt guilty but she also felt sort of relieved. Her mother had gone through the same thing and she had turned out okay, plus she had eventually gotten pregnant- wait, had she?
"Mom?"
"I wouldn't change a thing because all that pain, the miscarriages, they led me to you."
"I'm not adopted though, right?" Riley pointed out but cocked her head sideways. "Mom, am I?"
"No, you're all mine." Audrey said with a laugh. "You were my last round of in vitro. I swore if it hadn't worked that time, then I was done, I'd look into adoption."
"But it worked."
"It did, and I got you." Audrey let out a soft sigh. "But there's nothing wrong with adoption."
Riley tilted her head sideways and wondered what her mother was going to say next. She hadn't known the details about her mother's fertility issues, but she had known that it hadn't come easy to her either. Maybe this trip wasn't a waste after all.
"I just wanted a baby so bad." Riley confessed.
"I know that feeling, but just because you adopt someone else's baby, doesn't make it any less your child."
Huh, well, maybe she had a point, maybe adopting a kid wasn't such a bad idea after all. Riley hadn't really looked at it the way her mother was explaining it, but there wasn't anything wrong with raising a child that someone else had given birth too.
"What do you think I should do from here?"
Audrey sucked in a breath and let it out slowly, trying to gather her thoughts before she just blurted out her answer. She knew Riley was in a fragile state but she knew her daughter was strong and she could get through this. She just needed the right guidance.
"I think you do what's right for you. Honestly though, adoption is just as good as having a baby of your very own." Audrey offered up.
"Yeah?"
"There's so many kids out there, all ages, that need parents. Adopting one of them would be noble, you'd be giving them a chance." Audrey carried on. "No one would think less of you just because they're not biologically your child."
Letting out a soft sigh, Riley leaned sideways and fell against her mother, who's arm moved around her shoulder once again. Was adoption really something she wanted?
She hadn't really given it much thought, not really. But it sounded like an okay solution, she just needed to talk to Peter, see where he stood on the matter- oh god, Peter! Riley had barely given him a second thought since she had hung up on him but he had been worried about her and she had just run off, then shut him out.
"Whatever you do though, you do it with the man who loves you." Audrey smiled and pressed a reassuring kiss to the top of her head. Riley let out a shaky breath and nodded her understanding. Peter and her needed to figure out what they were going to do together, and as soon as she got home, she'd sit down and lay it all out for him.
She wasn't sure she was ready to give up on getting pregnant just yet, but she also wasn't totally sure she was prepared to wind up going through another miscarriage so soon. At least if she talked to him about adopting, they could maybe come up with a decent plan on where they wanted to go next, right?
"I shouldn't have just left." Riley admitted. "That was shitty of me."
"Peter Stone loves you, just make sure you admit to him that you were wrong to run away."
"I wasn't running…" Riley trailed off but let out a low growl. "Okay fine, I was running away, but it wasn't like I planned it."
"He'll probably forgive you."
"Probably?" Riley's eyes widened at the idea of Peter not forgiving her. Oh god, what had she done? Why had she just decided to go to Boston without talking to him first? She had gone crazy, temporarily of course.
"Calm yourself, then call him." Audrey smirked. "Now, are you spending the night or what?"
Oh yes, sometimes a girl just needed her mother.
XxxxxxXxxxxxXxxxxxX
Peter was home, at least if the vehicle in the driveway was any indication. Riley couldn't help but wonder what the hell awaited her inside the house. She was nervous, but more importantly, she felt really, really bad for what she had done. Peter had every right to be mad at her, frustrated with her actions; she just hoped that he would be patient and understanding enough to give her a chance to make it up to him.
She hadn't thought about the way it would've affected him when she up and left the day before, but as soon as her mother had appropriately scolded her and demanded she call Peter, she knew she should've handled things differently. At the very least, she should've let him know earlier that she was okay, that she hadn't had a mental break and had driven off to god only knows where.
She was home now though and when she got out of the car and slowly approached the door, she wasn't sure whether she should knock or just carry on inside. It was still her house, her home but she wasn't sure what Peter was thinking-
"Why?"
The door was ripped open before she had a chance to contemplate anymore and Peter stood there, looking at her, demanding to know 'why'. Oh god, she had screwed up so bad, she hadn't meant to hurt him, she hadn't meant to cause him to worry, she honestly barely even knew why she had wanted to leave in such a hurry. It had just seemed like a great idea at the time.
"Why?" She repeated his question and dropped her head down to her feet, ashamed to face him, ashamed at what she had done by leaving him without an explanation. "Uh, I just…I wanted to see my mom."
His expression softened at her confession and he stepped to the side, letting her walk into the house. The door shut behind her and she carried on into the kitchen, dropping down and sitting at the kitchen island. Peter had been alone for the entirety of the previous night but she had called him from Boston like she told him she would.
The conversation had been pretty light and she hadn't given him anything to help him understand why she had left, nor had he pushed her for answers. The two of them had pretty much been dancing around the real issue the night before. She just hoped that this wasn't beyond fixing because she loved him, more than anything, and she wasn't ready to give him up.
Peter sat down on the stool next to her and turned to face her head on. She looked at him, trying to read him, but he was stoic, so much so that she was scared of what he was going to say to her. This whole situation sucked, she was hurting in ways that she couldn't even explain, but Peter had lost a baby too. He was hurting just like she was, and she had monopolized the concern from outsiders.
"Did it help?" Peter asked and Riley's eyes widened ever so slightly. "Did seeing your mom help?"
With a slight nod, she broke eye contact, "she went through a miscarriage back in the day. She told me about how she was feeling, how much it hurt…"
A blanket of silence fell over them and she refused to bring her eyes back up to meet his. She didn't want to know what he was thinking because she wasn't sure she was prepared for him to speak to her. She had really caused him to worry, had thrown him into a panic, and she hadn't meant for that at all.
"I'm upset with you." Peter stated bluntly and she ran her hands over her thighs nervously. "Riley, please look at me."
Hesitantly, she brought her head up and met his eyes, tears welling up in her own.
"Are you mad at me?" She whimpered.
Peter's hands reached out and took hold of hers, stopping their movements on her thighs. He drew her slightly closer to him and when she was within reach, he used one hand to gingerly rest against the side of her face, running his thumb over her cheek in a gesture of comfort.
"I…I am mad, but that doesn't mean I don't love you, or that I stopped loving you in the time that you were gone." Peter said softly and she took her bottom lip in between her teeth. "I'm mad that you felt like you had to run to Boston and not just tell me where you were going. I'm mad because when I tried to call you, you didn't answer-"
"I was driving." Riley cut him off, but there was zero conviction in her voice. She wasn't really trying to give him an excuse, he just had to know that she hadn't intentionally ignored his calls.
"I get that but you still left without a single word as to where you were going. I called Morgan, I called your mother, no one knew where you were. Do you understand how terrifying that would be for me?"
She nodded her understanding, "yeah."
"Honestly I'm mostly mad at the whole situation." Peter confessed and blew out a breath. "Not at you in particular Riley, just at the fact that this is even happening."
She stiffened but found herself feeling like maybe this was a long time coming between them. She wanted to know how he was feeling, she wanted to hear him talk about his emotions regarding the loss of their baby, she wanted to know that he was right there with her, every step of the way, even if she had chosen to run away when she needed him the most.
"I shouldn't have run off though." She stated.
"I won't hold it against you." Peter forced a smile onto his face and she let out a sigh. "Just promise me that next time you have the sudden urge to go see your mom, let me know?"
Riley bowed her head, "yeah, that's the least I can do."
Yes, it was definitely the least she could do. Instead of causing the one person she loved the most in the whole world to panic at the idea of not knowing where she was, she would simply tell him where she was heading and why. He deserved that much from her. She couldn't even begin to fathom how she would've reacted had the roles been reversed.
"Did it really help?"
She pressed her lips together and nodded her head. It definitely had helped, she had found answers to questions she hadn't even considered until the previous day. Her mother was wise, wiser than Riley had given her credit for, and she had come home with a new found feeling on becoming a mother.
"It did."
Leaning back slightly, Peter pulled away from her and rested his one arm on the island. Riley stepped down off her stool and moved in closer to him, standing between his legs and looking directly into his eyes. Her arms rested against his shoulders and she closed the distance between them, her forehead against his.
Peter Stone was an incredibly patient man, especially when it came to her. She hated that she had put him through the worry that she had the night before, but she loved the fact that he was welcoming now that she had returned home. She loved him, with her whole entire heart.
"I want to talk to you about adoption." She said softly.
"Hmm?"
"I don't think I'm ready to give up trying to get pregnant but I don't want to go through in vitro anymore." She admitted. "I want us to be on the same page here."
Peter's eyes widened at her words and he closed the distance between them, quickly kissing her on the lips. He moved back but remained directly in front of her, searching her eyes for any sort of sign that she wasn't being honest with him. She wasn't lying, not even the tiniest bit; she was admitting that she wanted him to want the same things as her when it came to children.
"So what are you saying exactly, what's your plan?"
"We just carry on not using protection but look into finding a baby to adopt." Riley offered. "There are plenty of kids out there who need parents. We're parents who need a kid, it seems like a pretty good idea to me."
"You want to adopt? Really?" Peter pressed.
"Only if it's something you want." Riley affirmed.
He considered her statement and thought about it. Adopting sounded not so bad to him, but was it something he really wanted? At the very least, he could look into it with her, maybe they'd find a child that called out to them, maybe they could be parents after all, even if it was to a child that wasn't biologically theirs.
"I'm not against the idea." Peter finally responded and she took her bottom lip in between her teeth, but it was too late, she was already starting to smile. "We can look into what it entails anyways, go from there?"
She tightened her grip on him and felt his arms come around her, hugging her right back. She liked where this was going, she wanted to see what their future held, and if all they did was look into the steps for adopting, then so be it. He hadn't outright said no though, which was a good sign.
"I really am sorry I took off without telling you where I was going, I wasn't running away from you Peter, I was just…." She breathed the words out and Peter ran his hands up her sides before moving them down to grip lightly at her hips. "I was just so…so crazy and emotional and messed up. I think I was trying to run away from the pain and I'm just really, really sorry."
"Apology accepted."
"Come on, I'm ready for bed."
"You literally just got home."
"I know, forgive me for wanting to lie down next to my husband."
Peter dropped his legs down, planting his feet on the floor. He hugged her tighter and she let out a contented sigh, melting into his embrace. When he loosened his grip on her, she leaned back slightly, tipping her head back to get a better look at his face.
"I'm really glad you're home." Peter whispered.
"Me too, there's nowhere else I'd rather be, and no one else I'd rather be with."
XxxxxxXxxxxxXxxxxxX
'Whenever you take lunch, can you come see me at work'
The text from Peter had thrown her off, Riley hadn't been expecting him to ask her to show up at his office, in fact, she had pretty much stopped showing up at his office the last little while because she knew he needed to do actual work while there. His office was his space and she had realized a long time ago that she needed to let him have that to himself.
Plus, she was married to him now, it's not like she had to show up in her sexiest heels and seduce him to win some bet- no that ship had sailed.
She saw him every night in their home, and boy was she glad for that. The idea of being married to a man like Peter Stone had never seemed like something she wanted, not until she met him, and even then, it had taken a lot of pushing on Morgan's end for her to agree to see him more than once.
Things had changed though, and she wouldn't deny that it was for the better. Having a serious boyfriend had been nice, when they had moved in together, it had been pretty amazing, and when they had finally gotten married, well, Riley would always look back on that fondly. Peter Stone was the perfect man for her.
He even supported the idea of adopting at this point in time. It hadn't taken him long to jump on the bandwagon, thank god for that. She wanted kids and she was starting to realize that she wanted them whether they were biologically hers and Peters or not. Her mother had made a good point, there were lots of kids out there who needed parents.
Many weeks had passed since the miscarriage, which is what Riley referred to it now that she had been to see a counselor a few times since. She was also back on her anti-anxiety medication and was feeling pretty decently. The counselor had helped a lot in letting her feel the things she had been feeling, even if she didn't know if it was the right feeling.
Wandering through the hallways towards Peter's office, she held her breath and wondered what the hell was so important that he needed her to come to his place of work to see him. Couldn't whatever it was wait until they were both at home- oh shit, unless it was something to do with the law. Was she in trouble? Was he going to serve her divorce papers?
"Stop it." She mumbled to herself and straightened up, shaking her head in an attempt to clear her mind. Peter loved her and if he had put up with her thus far, why would he decide he wanted a divorce?
When she approached his door, she paused and knocked, listening for him to call out to her. When his voice called her in, she pushed it open and stepped inside, shutting it behind her and closing them inside his office. His head lifted up from the laptop on his desk and a smile appeared on his face.
After all this time, she could still make him smile just by showing up.
"Sorry, I didn't…I would've been here earlier but we had…there was a deadline at work." Riley stumbled over her words and Peter gave her a firm nod before waving to the chair in front of his desk. She bypassed it completely and stepped around the end, taking a seat on his lap just like old times.
When his arms came around her middle, she let out a sigh and relaxed in his hold, but her mind was still reeling on the reason why he had asked her to come here.
"Don't worry about it." Peter said softly and rested his chin on her shoulder, leaning forward ever so slightly to press a kiss to her cheek. She lifted her hand up and set her palm on his chest, content to know that he still loved her. "I just wanted to talk to you about a professional matter."
Her body tensed in his hold but he let out a sigh and shook his head, "am I in trouble?"
"Have you been a bad girl?" Peter purred and Riley let out an awfully loud snort at his words. "Because if you have, I might have to punish you."
"I could probably use a spanking but I'm on lunch." Riley pointed out with a smug smirk. "I'll gladly bend over for you at home."
"Fuck." He hissed and dropped his forehead down to her shoulder. She knew she was getting to him, frustrating him sexually, but there was a reason she was here and she honestly had no idea what it was. "Seriously, I'm starting to regret asking you to come here."
"What you're really regretting is not asking me to lock the door." She teased and Peter's head popped up, her eyes locked on his. "You asked me here though, for a 'professional matter', so if I'm not actually in trouble, then what's going on?"
Peter hesitated but pulled open the top drawer on his desk, fishing out a file with one hand while keeping the other wrapped around her. Riley watched him as he produced the thin file and set it flat on the surface of his desk. She cocked her head sideways and waited for him to explain it. There was no way this was one of his cases because there was no way he'd be allowing her to see the file if it was.
"I asked some friends of mine from Chicago for a favour." Peter started, Riley hanging on to his every word. "You and I want to adopt and that's a long process but I know people in high places."
"All my friends are in low places." She joked.
"Riley." His voice held a warning tone and she let out a sigh but fell quiet. "There's a young girl in Chicago."
He stopped talking and flipped the front of the folder open, revealing a photograph full of blurry black and white swirls. He shifted it to the side and lifted up the picture he was apparently looking for, this time it was of a young- really young- blonde haired girl who seemed rather happy and excited in the photograph.
When he moved the picture of the blonde aside, Riley furrowed her eyebrows at another picture, of the same blonde, but this time her face was covered in bruises and there were scratches all over her neck and shoulders, at least of what she could see of the girl.
"Her name's Mackenzie Bolton and she's fifteen." Peter said, beginning to explain what the file was all about. "She was raped, that rape resulted in a pregnancy."
"Huh." Riley bit back the words she really wanted to say because it wasn't fair to the girl for her to question why she was able to get pregnant and Riley wasn't. Instead, she merely waited for Peter to tell her bluntly what this girl had to do with anything.
"She's from a Catholic family and she doesn't believe in abortion."
"Right." Riley was still so unsure about what was going on here but Peter didn't seem to be clarifying anything for her. "So then what's she going to do?"
"She's putting her baby up for adoption."
"In Chicago." Riley threw out with a nod, but what did some girl in Chicago have to do with her needing to be in Peter's office at that very moment.
"That baby is ours, if you want it." Peter confessed, Riley's heart skipping at beat at his words.
Oh! Okay, yeah, things were making sense now but Riley wasn't expecting that! If she wanted it, if she wanted this girl's baby…was that…was that really something she was ready for? Without thinking too long and hard about it, without giving herself time to second guess it, she nodded her head yes but continued to stare at Peter, hoping he'd be able to tell her more.
A baby, god Riley wanted a baby so bad, she wanted this baby. Everything about this felt right, it felt like maybe this was what she was supposed to end up with. Her and Peter would be the best parents to this girl's baby, they'd love it unconditionally, give it a safe and loving home.
"We can go to Chicago sometime soon and meet Mackenzie, get to know her, talk to her about the whole situation." Peter carried on and Riley merely stared at him. "I hope that's okay anyways."
"I've never been to Chicago." Riley admitted. "While we're there can we see that big silver bean thing?"
His laugh caught her off guard but he smiled at her question. Chicago was a great city, there were so many things they could see, so many places they could go- maybe they'd even end up at a Cubs game, or a White Sox game. Peter made a mental note to look at the Yankees schedule and see if that was possible at all.
His hand shifted downward and rested against her hip, and she let out a breath, an anxious breath, but a good anxious. This was exciting, this was…this was going to be good for them. After all the time they had been trying to get pregnant, they were finally going to be parents.
"Peter…"
"She's due in about five months-"
"Wait, does she know the gender?" Riley cut him off, but honestly, it didn't matter what the baby was, she'd want it anyways; boy or girl, hell she'd even take it if it was a velociraptor.
"It's a girl."
Her eyes welled up with tears of joy and she pressed her lips together, fighting off the urge to actually cry. This was the best news ever, not that it was a girl, just that they might have a baby coming their way, and soon too.
"You want this too, right?" Riley asked in a whisper and Peter's lips curled into a smile before he nodded his head yes.
"And I want it with you."
Blinking, she forced the tears to fall down her cheeks, Peter immediately wiping them off her skin with his fingers. She leaned into his hold, relaxing against him and shutting her eyes. This felt right, it felt good and Riley hoped that it would come to fruition.
She wanted this little baby girl with every fibre of her being, and she wanted it with Peter.
XxxxxxXxxxxxXxxxxxX
MrsHappyAnarchy: oh no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry! Maybe this latest chapter will cheer you up! Thank you so much for the continued reviews!