Chapter 26.

"You feel you're wasting time now, don't you?" said Sarah.

Sam tried to smile. "Don't take it personally. It's just, knowing he's out there and we're waiting for Michael to get careless or take decisive action. Until he gets bold or stupid, we can't do a thing and that's getting to me."

"Of course it is. You and Dean are men of action. Whatever the odds, whatever the danger, you keep on fighting, but now, there's no action to take. You feel paralysed."

"Useless." he said.

"And yet, right now, Dean is in the fight of his life ... "

"Alone."

"Dean is never alone. He has you and he knows it. Knowing that you are here, willing him to break free, will give him strength."

"If he's alive."

"He's alive. Winchesters don't die easy and they never give up."

"They do. I did once. More than once." he said.

"It takes both of you to give up. As long as one has hope, the battle goes on. You're his strength, just as he's yours."

"He was mine. Without him, I'm not doing so well."

"I know it's painful to think about, but can you tell me what actually happened when Dean let Michael in?"

"Lucifer tried and failed to corrupt Jack. Seeing that he couldn't bend him to his will, he took his grace instead. That brought Lucifer to full power."

"More than full power, surely, since a nephilim is more powerful than the angel parent. How could Michael win against that?"

"Maybe Lucifer was counting on that, but it didn't seem to work like that. The power of a nephilim, as I understand it ... " He laughed. "I don't think anyone understands it, but angels are more powerful when in contact with a human soul. Jack has angelic grace and a human soul. With easy access to both, his power is close to unlimited. Lucifer could steal his grace, but never his soul."

"That's interesting."

"I think it saved us all. Lucifer took Jack and me away and basically gave us the chance for one of us to survive. He said one of us had to kill the other. That one would then be left alive."

"Did you believe him?"

"Not really. I couldn't kill Jack anyway. I mean, Jack! How could I do that. So I told him to kill me."

"You told that innocent child to kill someone he loves like a father?"

"He pointed the blade at his own heart. He was going to die. Suddenly Dean was there. For a moment, I felt so much relief, but he hadn't come alone. Lucifer, Michael and Dean fought and Dean won. I don't care what Michael claims, that was Dean. He just borrowed a little power. But then, when Michael was supposed to leave the vessel and set Dean free, he refused."

"I thought angels needed consent." she said.

"So did we. We went back to the bunker and we told everyone what had happened and I saw the light die in Mom's eyes and in Castiel's. If I'd acted sooner, done as Jack was going to do, gave my life for his ... "

"How would Dean know that had happened? How would Dean not seek revenge for your death?"

"I know. I've had this argument with myself a lot. I wish I could have been there, when he made the agreement. I don't even know if I would have tried to stop him, but I would have been there, at his side."

"You were probably more use to him in the battle."

"I didn't do anything. I just threw the archangel blade to him."

"That sounds like quite a lot."

Sam's phone rang. "Sorry," he said, "It's Mom."

Sarah nodded.

"Hey, Mom." he said.

"Castiel knows Sarah is here." she said.

"Is he leaving?"

"No. Jack is keeping him here. They're in the archives. He wanted to leave. Sam, he thinks he should have put Dean to sleep so he couldn't say yes to Michael."

"That's what he thinks makes this his fault?"

"I don't know how long Jack can keep him here."

"Do me a favour. Sabotage his car. It's not sophisticated, but it works."

"Okay." she said.

"Talk to you later." he said. He looked at Sarah, "You probably worked out what all that was."

"I'd hoped to surprise him. Is disabling his car necessary?"

"I'm not prepared to risk losing him today. I need you to talk to him too. Apparently, he feels he failed to save Dean because he didn't put him to sleep to stop him saying yes to Michael."

"Even for him, that's a stretch."

"Yeah."

"But you understand, because you're blaming yourself with as little reason."

Sam ignored that. "Maybe you can make him understand he's done nothing wrong."

"I'll do my best." Her expression was hard to read and she seemed hesitant to say whatever was on her mind.

"What is it?" he said.

"I think you could help him a lot."

"How? I'll do anything." he said.

"Your brother once showed him how he saw him. It had a dramatic impact on him. Maybe you could open your mind to him so he knows that you truly don't blame him."

Now Sam was the hesitant one.

"Unless you do." she said.

"I don't. It's not that. It's just that we think that's how the link started."

"You said you envied them the link."

"I did. I do. But if I suggest it, I have to be open about the fact that it could open a link between Cas and me and I don't know how he would feel about that." He looked down for a moment, unable to meet her eyes. "I don't know how I feel about that."

"I thought you had all agreed emotional honesty was good."

"We did, then."

"What's changed?" she asked.

"Then, I could handle my emotions better."

"Hide them?" she suggested.

"Control them. Cas is pretty fragile. He doesn't need my broken bits getting mixed in with his. Unless we want to make the darkest mosaic of all time, we should keep the shattered parts to ourselves."

"I can see that's keeping you all sane and comfortable." she said.

"It's not keeping any of us either of those things, but I can't just ... "

"Be honest with your brother who is dying inside because he is afraid to be honest with you?"

"Put like that ... Why did you have to put it like that?" said Sam.

"I know it's hard. I know you don't even want to look at him. Of course, that's because you love him and his pain is harder for you to bear than your own. And he really, really needs to know that's why, because all he can see is that you look away as if you can hardly bear the fact that he exists."

"I'm struggling just to keep going."

"I know and the last thing I want to do is make it harder, but he already knows how bad you feel. That's why he's so angry with himself and so convinced you must blame him."

"I don't know if I can open my mind to him under these circumstances."

"You all have one serious false belief about friendship, that you offer your life to your friends just as soon as it's perfect. Real friendship ... real love ... is where you share it all, the good, the bad and the ugly."

"You really think it'll help Cas?"

"I think it'll help both of you."

"It might not open a link. I think there has to be a feeling of need on both sides. Cas has never felt as close to me as he is to Dean."

"Even just suggesting it will show him that you care. Imagine how much that will help him right now." said Sarah.

"We should both talk to him."

"And soon, if he's likely to leave."