Uncle Pete was a surprisingly peaceful sleeper. He didn't toss and turn or snore or talk in his sleep. He was a deep sleeper as well and he didn't wake up when I climbed in next to him, nor when I snuggled up to him either. I'm a light sleeper though, so I woke up when Brian came downstairs at the crack of dawn. My oldest brothers always woke up early. I sat up in the bed, rubbing my eyes.

"Oh- you're down here!" Brian said, quietly, but still sounding surprised.

I nodded.

"What you doin' in Uncle Pete's bed?"

"I came down in the middle of the night; I wanted to be with him," I said.

Brian nodded.

"Go upstairs and put on a sweater and socks and then you can help me get breakfast started."

"K."

I quietly climbed out the bed, careful not to make movement to wake Uncle Pete though he wouldn't have woken up anyway and went upstairs to my room. At the top of the landing, Adam and Crane were coming out their rooms too, fully dressed. They said good morning to me. Crane passed by me to go down the stairs, but Adam stayed where he was.

"You're up early," Adam said.

"I woke up when Brian came downstairs," I told him.

Adam's forehead wrinkled.

"What d'you mean?"

"I slept in Uncle Pete's bed," I explained.

"I see."

"Bri said I can help make breakfast for everyone, but I need to put on socks and a sweater."

"Good idea," Adam said.

He ran a hand over my hair as I passed by him going towards my room.

Guthrie was fast asleep as always, the covers a twisted mess around him.

I quickly grabbed a sweater and my slippers and then headed downstairs again.

As I neared the kitchen, I heard Adam say, "I just don't know where this obsession has come from; she wasn't like this the last time he visited."

"She's headed for a mighty fall, that's for sure," Crane said.

"I'm gonna talk to her now. She if I can prepare her somehow," Brian said.

I walked into the kitchen via the back way, through the mudroom. My brothers must have heard me because they stopped talking and Adam and Crane said they were going outside to do the chores and headed out the front way.

"What should we have this mornin'?" Brian asked me.

"Cookies again?!" I said hopefully.

Brian smiled.

"Cookies for breakfast are only for special occasions, but we can make pancakes," he said.

"Okay."

I had known cookies were a long shot anyway.

Brian set all the ingredients out in front of me at the table along with a bowl. I had helped enough times to be able to measure everything out myself now. I started measuring out the flour.

Brian poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down at the table opposite me.

He watched me pour the flour into the bowl.

"You're goin' to need double that to feed the whole bunch of us," he said.

"Oh yea, I forgot," I said.

I started measuring out more flour.

Brian cleared his throat.

"Heidi- Uncle Pete isn't goin' to stay with us; you know that right?"

Trust Brian to launch straight into a difficult conversation with no preamble.

I cracked the eggs into the bowl without looking at him or answering him.

"Heidi!"

I cracked in more eggs.

Brian took a sip of coffee.

"Ignorin' me isn't goin' to change the reality of what I'm sayin' you know."

"You don't know that for sure," I answered, while measuring out the milk.

"I do, Heidi. It's a certainty. He's leavin' tomorrow mornin'."

My head shot up.

"What? No! But he can't! He's only been here for a few days!"

"He is, kiddo. You need to accept that," Brian said, shifting forward in his seat. He tried to take my hand, but I pulled it away.

"Why do you want him to stay so badly, huh?"

I shrugged.

"I don't know. I just do!"

I couldn't articulate why I wanted Uncle Pete to stay. I didn't even understand it myself; all I knew was it was a longing I had.

"And I'm still gunna ask him, no matter what you say," I said stubbornly, eyeing Brian to see how he was going to take my sort of laying down of the gauntlet.

Brian took another sip of coffee and sat back in his chair. He looked thoughtful. I measured out the vegetable oil and salt and put them into the bowl.

"Alright, tell me this then Heidi; if Uncle Pete had wanted to stay, why do you think he hasn't so far?"

I started mixing the batter up in the bowl.

"Maybe he never felt like we never really wanted him here," I said.

"You know that's not true," Brian said.

"Or maybe because were all so young. Maybe because he doesn't like to be around little kids so much."

"Do you really think that's true? Hand on heart?"

I shrugged again.

I didn't but when you want something really badly, you'll believe anything.

"Heidi, Uncle Pete is a wanderer. He's always been that way, since he was old enough to live on his own. He's never ever settled down in one place in his whole life and he's in his forties now. It's just not who he is. I knowthat's hurtful to you but it's the way it is.

"I'm still going to ask him," I said quietly, meeting Brian's eyes again.

Brian held my gaze.

"I can't stop you, but you're goin' to be very disappointed," he said quietly. There was a note of regret in his voice too.

"I bet I won't be," I said, defiantly.

Brian chose to ignore my tone and went to the refrigerator to pull out the bacon.

/

Because my brothers had done less on the ranch over the past couple of days, there was some work to catch up on. They commandeered everyone, even Guthrie and me who they usually left alone so we could play. The two of us had to help Daniel muck out the stables. Uncle Pete disappeared on his motorbike and said he would be home around lunchtime. I had wanted to go with him, on the back of his bike which looked so fun, but both Adam and Brian gave me a resounding no when I asked even though Uncle Pete said he would happy to take me and that he had a spare helmet. When I heard him roaring up our driveway, I thought it would be the perfect time to catch him on his own and ask him to stay. I didn't want to do it in front of anyone and I knew I would need to be quick about it if he was planning on leaving the following morning!

Uncle Pete went into the house and I stopped what I was doing and headed there too, ignoring Guthrie and Daniel who were asking me where I was going. He was taking his clothes out of his backpack and throwing them onto the couch in a haphazard pile.

"Hey, princess," he said, noticing me.

"How was Murphys?" I asked.

"Oh, fine. Nothin' special; I got you a little somethin' though."

"What is it? What is it?" I said, excited.

"Just some candy; since you're the first one here you can get first pick."

"Yay! I love candy!" I said.

We didn't eat real pure sugar candy all that often. Chocolate, cake, cookies, ice cream yes, but candy, no.

Uncle Pete reached into his backpack and pulled out a bulging blue plastic bag. He held it open to me.

"Pick out whatever you want."

I peered inside. There were bags upon bags of candy; I've never seen so much in one sitting in my whole life, not even after being trick or treating on Halloween. There were bags of gummies, fizzies and hard boiled candy. There were Jaw busters and Gob stoppers and Fun dips and Faffy and Nerds and Jolly Ranchers and a whole lot more. Uncle Pete had bought everything you could think of.

I looked at him in awe.

"Is this all for us?"

"Sure! I thought I'd stock you guys up."

I pulled out a packet of gum drops which were my favorite.

"Can I eat them now?" I asked, since Uncle Pete was the nearest adult, even though I knew he'd say yes and if I'd asked my brothers, they would have said no.

"Sure, why not," Uncle Pete said easily.

"Yay!"

I opened the bag and put one in my mouth, sucking it. I held out the bag to Uncle Pete.

"Want one?"

"No, thanks, princess. Too early in the morning for me," he said, tossing another T-shirt onto the couch.

"What you doing?" I asked.

"Just sortin' out my clothes. I'd thought I'd use the washing machine before I leave tomorrow."

My belly sort of flopped, hearing Uncle Pete talking about leaving, even though Brian had told me about his plans earlier.

Now, though, was my moment.

"Uncle Pete…"

"What, princess?" Uncle Pete said, without looking at me.

"You know how you said you're gonna leave tomorrow?"

"Yep."

"Well I was thinking," I said very quietly, almost whispering now, sitting on the couch next to the tossed clothes, "that you could stay."

"Speak up, princess, I couldn't hear you. What'd you say?"

I coughed nervously, my heart beating wildly. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been so nervous.

"I was thinking you could stay," I said, a tad more loudly this time.

"What like a couple more days?" Uncle Pete said, "I mean I guess I could see if I-"

"No, Uncle Pete, not for a couple more days… for good."

"For good?" Uncle Pete said, slowly, stopping what he was doing to look at me.

"Yea, you know, like stay here with us and live with us. You could sleep down here or in Crane's bed when he's away with Daniel and you could help out on the ranch and you'd be here for supper and breakfast and lunch and you could help us with homework, and you wouldn't need to come to church or anything because you're a grown up so you can do what you want and-"

"Princess," Uncle Pete said quietly, interrupting my rambling flow.

He came and sat next to me on the couch, sweeping away the clothes he had tossed there on to the floor.

"I can't stay."

"Yes, you can! You can just unpack now and then you can stay! I know you've got a girlfriend and everything, but she can come and visit you here, right?"

"No, princess- I can't stay. It's not what I do- stayin' in one place."

Uncle Pete looked uncomfortable now.

"Haven't the boys talked to you about this? Settlin'- it's not what I'm about."

"But it can become what you're about!" I said, desperately.

Even though I'd been warned and warned again, I could still feel the overwhelming wave of disappointment crashing down over me as the realisation sunk in that my brothers had been right and I had been deluding myself.

"No, princess… it can't. Believe me- I've tried and if it was possible for me to stay, I would. Maybe you're still a little young to understand."

I looked down, tears blurring my eyes.

"Hey now, don't cry," Uncle Pete said softly.

He tried to pull me into a hug, but I pushed him away. I felt embarrassed and angry. At Uncle Pete for not staying but now that I'm older, I see it was mostly at myself for allowing myself to have hope when everyone- literally everyone -had been telling me otherwise.

"Get off!" I yelled.

"Princess-"

I threw the bag of gum drops at him.

"I don't want you to stay anyway! I want you to leave! I hate you!" I screamed, half crying as well.

"Heidi! Princess! Don't be like that!"

I turned on my heel and ran out of the front door, down past the barn and the stable towards the creek. I heard my name being called a few times by various brothers who had clearly seen me run away from the house, but I ignored them and continued running.

When I got to the creek, I flung myself down on the banks, out of breath from running so hard. There were some small branches lying next to me, and I picked them up and flung them furiously into the creek, yelling with rage as I tossed in each one. And inevitably, after the rage, came the tears. I lay, face down on the banks of the creek and cried into my arms, furious, heavy tears of rejection. I've never been very good at dealing with rejection. I take it so personally.

I didn't cry for very long- the tears stemmed as quickly as they had come. I didn't have any tissues so I used my sleeve to wipe my nose and eyes and then sat up.

I was starting to feel a bit cold. I hadn't taken my jacket off when I'd gone inside after Uncle Pete, so I still had it on, but crying like that, being vulnerable, had made me feel cold for some reason.

The fort that Guthrie and I had built down by the creek in the fall was still intact and so I went to sit in there as I figured the protection might mean it was a little warmer there. I was hungry- I was missing lunch- and I needed to pee. But I didn't want to go on home. I didn't feel angry anymore, just sad. And regretful that I had yelled at Uncle Pete as I had. I'd be in trouble when my brothers heard about it. They wouldn't tolerate me displaying such a fit of temper and to an adult as well. And if they found out I'd thrown something at him! Why couldn't I just control myself?

I'd been sitting on the ground, under the shelter of the branches that formed the top of the fort, alternating between blowing on my hands to keep them warm and using a twig to draw patterns in the dirt when I heard the sound of footsteps crunching on the ground nearby and then a head appeared at the entrance to the fort.

"There you are."

"Daniel!"

I was pleased to see him. I'd figured the footsteps belonged to a brother – this was our land and no one else would be on it so close to the house. I was glad it was him. He wouldn't yell at me.

Daniel crawled into the fort on his hands and knees and sat down next to me, propped up on a log.

"You must be freezing!"

"It's okay," I said, even though my feet felt like blocks of ice.

Daniel took off his work gloves and handed them to me.

"Put these on."

I dropped my twig and put the gloves on. They were warm from Daniel's body heat.

"Thanks."

"You okay?" he asked.

"Did Uncle Pete tell everyone I yelled at him and threw my candy at him?" I said, glumly, looking at Daniel.

"Yea. Well- no not really. He just said you got upset when he said he wasn't gonna stay and then you ran off."

Daniel grinned at me and prodded me gently with his foot.

"But we know what you get like when you're mad, so we kinda just figured something like that had happened."

"It's not funny," I said, sullenly.

"I know."

"How did you know where to find me?" I asked.

"You're kinda predictable," Daniel said with another small grin.

"Stop laughing at me!" I said, hurt.

"I'm not, I promise I'm not," Daniel said, looking more sombre. "I told the guys I wanted to be the one to come find you coz I know how you feel."

I turned my body to face Daniel's, sensing he was going to tell me more.

"I wanted him to stay too. When mom and dad first died. I was about the age you are now."

"Why doesn't he want to stay with us, Daniel?" I burst out, "We're his family!"

"It's not who he is, Heidi."

"Everyone keeps saying that but what does it even mean!" I yelled, frustrated.

Daniel looked thoughtful and answered slowly. He dug his hands into his jacket pocket- I guess they were cold without his gloves.

"It means that he wouldn't enjoy staying with us all the time."

"But why not?!"

The idea that anyone- no, not anyone, someone who was part of us, blood, wouldn't want to be with us all the time was unfathomable to me.

"It's like… it's like, you know how Evan and Guthrie and Brian get when they're cooped up in the house too long? Like they get all angry and act like they can't breathe or something? It's like that. When Uncle Pete stays in one place too long; he gets like that."

"But he hasn't even tried!" I protested.

"I guess he has. When he was younger," Daniel said. "I know it hurts, but you'll get used to not having him here again. I mean he's fun and all, but we don't really need him- do we? We've all got each other."

"Yea," I said sadly, "But I really want him to stay with us."

"I know," Daniel said.

He looked truly sympathetic.

"You wouldn't want him to stay with us though and be miserable, would you?"

"No," I admitted. Then, a second later, I said, "I need to pee!" the urge suddenly overtaking me.

Daniel laughed loudly- thrown off by my non-sequitur.

"Go pee around here then- there's no one here."

"I'm too cold!"

"So let's go home."

He crawled out the fort and I followed him on my hands and knees.

I tried to stand up, but my feet had gone numb from being so cold and sitting so long.

"Here, lean on me," Daniel said putting his arm round me.

I leaned on him and we half stumbled onward towards the house. The blood soon came back into my feet and I could walk properly.

"I need to pee so badly, Daniel- I can't walk anymore!" I said, when were still a little distance from the house

"So go around here then!" Daniel said, sounding exasperated.

"I told you I'm too cold! It's not as easy for me as it is for all of you!"

Daniel sighed and then bent down.

"Hop on my back," he said.

I climbed on, which was difficult needing to pee. Daniel gave me a piggyback home while I held in my bladder as tightly as I could!

Uncle Pete was out the front of the house, bent down checking the tyres of his motorcycle. When Daniel put me down, near the front path to the house, I scurried inside. There were voices coming from the kitchen- I thought belonging to my oldest brothers- but I ran quickly up the stairs. Thankfully, the bathroom was free, and I was finally able to pee! Why does it always feel like such a relief when you've been holding it in for so long!"

I washed my hands and headed downstairs, hesitating on the stairs because Adam and Brian were in the living room now, standing near the door, talking- something about a herd that needed moving and who would be taking whom out that for what chores that afternoon.

They both looked at me as I neared the bottom of the stairs.

"Daniel found you then?" Brian said, an eyebrow raised.

"Yea," I said, quietly, "I'm gonna go outside and say sorry to Uncle Pete now."

I waiting for the lecture or scolding or worse that was surely to come for disrespecting an adult like I had- that is if Uncle Pete had told my brothers what really happened, or if they'd put two and two together,- but all Adam said was, "That's good."

"You can go," Brian said, reaching out for me and catching me up, "Once you've given me a big ol' hug."

He sat now on one of the armchairs and pulled me back so I was sitting on his lap, and then he tipped me back against his arm and put one arm under my legs so that I was cradled like a baby.

"Hey! I'm not a baby!" I protested.

"You're my baby, my baby sister," Brian said and then planted a volley of kisses on my cheek.

"Nooo…I'm not a baby!" I yelled, though I was laughing.

Adam was laughing too.

Brian rocked me back and forth exaggeratedly.

"Hush now, baby," he said, teasing me.

I scrunched up my face while he landed more kisses all over it and on the top of my head. I pretended to be annoyed but secretly, I liked it. Abruptly, he turned me loose.

"She's my baby sister too, Bri," Adam said, a glint in his eye, "I might have to do the same thing."

"Noooo!" I yelled, trying to dodge him as he reached for me.

I wanted him to chase me and he did, catching me with an arm around my waist quickly. He kissed me loudly on the cheek a couple of times and then let go and smacked my backside none too lightly in the direction of the door.

"Go say sorry to Uncle Pete."

Uncle Pete didn't say much when I apologised to him- he just told me it was okay and to forget it. He looked mighty relieved to be honest; I don't think he'd ever seen that side of me before.

I was tearful the rest of the day and evening though. When I stubbed my toe on the side of the couch while padding around in socked feet only, I burst into loud, hysterical tears when ordinarily, it wouldn't have elicited half that reaction. Adam made a big deal out of setting me up on the couch with an ice pack for my toe.

"I know it hurts a lot now, but the pain will go away" he said, sympathetically and soothingly. He was talking about my toe but maybe he was also talking about my heart which hurt even more.

That evening I awoke during the night again. Not from a nightmare or anything- I just woke up, like I had the night before. I thought about going to sleep in Uncle Pete's bed, but I was still mad at him deep down for not staying, so since Daniel had been so nice to me during the day, I went to slip in with him, even though I knew he didn't like me to do that because apparently I was a 'kicker'. But he didn't tell me to get out or anything- I think he was too tired. I didn't take up much room anyway.

Uncle Pete left early the next morning. He ate breakfast with us and then he loaded up his bag onto his motorcycle. We gathered outside to say goodbye to him. He hugged each of us in turn, and when it got to me, he bent down to my level.

"I'll be seein' ya, princess," he said, pinching my cheek lightly.

"Bye, Uncle Pete," I said, quietly, trying to hold back tears.

There was an intense burn in my chest.

Adam put his hands on my shoulders and squeezed them which I knew he meant as a comforting gesture.

Uncle Pete got on his bike and started the engine, roaring down the drive casting up the same wake of dust as he had when he'd arrived. I turned around and pressed my face into Adam's middle so I wouldn't have to watch Uncle Pete speeding away out of our lives.