They spent the early afternoon in Severus' classroom. He had a potion to brew and had ordered sandwiches from the house elves. Serena sat behind a desk nibbling the corner of a salmon sandwich, watching him.
At around three o' clock there was a knock on the classroom door. Severus, who was still pouring over his cauldron, his hair greasy and slick with sweat, merely gestured with his hand to the door and it opened.
Instead of a student, however, there stood a tall, stocky man, with black skin and short fuzzy hair.
"Samuel!"
Serena jumped out of her chair and ran into the arms of the other man. They stood, in the centre of his classroom, hugging each other tightly, tears escaping Serena's eyes as she held Kingsley's grieving brother as closely as possible.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered in her ear. "I'm so so sorry."
"Me too."
They held each other for long moments, until Samuel eventually seemed to notice Severus who had begun chopping small yellow roots.
He cleared his throat and went over to him. "I'm sorry to intrude, Professor Snape, McGonagall told me Serena would be here."
Severus shook his hand silently and went back to his chopping.
"Let's go up to my rooms," Serena said, picking up her cloak.
"Serena," Severus stopped his cutting, went into his store cupboard and came out with another calming draught. "In half an hour. Don't forget. And you need to eat more."
She took the potion and thanked him. "I'll send you a patronus, later on, if you want?"
Severus nodded. He wanted to tell her to be careful, to call him immediately if she felt out of control, but it wasn't his place, and the younger Shacklebolt was already staring at him curiously.
They left together and sat down in her living room for a strong cup of coffee.
They cried together, they laughed together, they remembered together.
Samuel said that he would sort out the funeral, and that the aurors had already contacted him. He, being Kingsley's blood relative, had inherited all of his possessions and his apartment in London.
"So this afternoon let's go and clear out his room here," Samuel said in the same calm voice Kingsley spoke with. "Then we'll meet in London on Tuesday and do the apartment."
"Are you sure you want me there? I mean, everything is yours Samuel-"
"Don't be ridiculous," he said firmly. "Kingsley would want you to be there and he would want you to be able to keep whatever you want."
She shook her head and sighed, "I've been back in his life for, what… six months?"
"Serena, whether you were here or not, you were Kingsley's whole life."
She almost started crying again when he said that, but she merely pressed her lips tightly together and nodded, her throat burning.
Going through his rooms was a painful experience. Serena couldn't stop crying for the first half an hour. She sobbed heaving great sobs, wrapped in Samuel's arms. There were too many painful memories, too many good times that she would never again have. The temperature was glacial. She had hesitated calling Severus but the calming draught seemed to be having an effect on her subconscious mind, even if she wasn't feeling the calmness herself.
When she had calmed down, they started to sort out his things into four piles; ministry affairs as Kingsley had a lot of auror documents; things to donate to charities; things Serena would keep; and things Samuel would keep.
After three long and painful hours Serena gathered into her bag the small pile of belongings she had decided she wanted with her. She had kept his old cigar box, a gold ring he wore on his thumb, her favourite deep blue and gold hat, and a dozen photos.
She didn't want anything else, she thought. She had to move on now.
They agreed to meet again on Tuesday afternoon to start sorting out his flat.
She realised she needed to see Albus and organise her work. Her magic was back to normal now, so she sent Severus a patronus, telling him she was going to see Albus and that she seemed in control for the moment, and then headed off to the Headmaster's office.
It was strange standing in Albus' office one more, in the exact spot that everything had changed for her just twenty-four hours ago. She remembered seeing Tonks' face, she remembered Severus' words, words she would remember for the rest of her life.
Albus thrust an array of different sweets at her and put extra sugar in her tea. Apparently confectionaries were the answer.
"In times like these, we must appreciate the small pleasures in life," he said popping a sherbet lemon into his mouth. "Now, don't worry about a thing, Filius had agreed to take on your classes for the next two weeks, until the funeral is over. At that time we'll reconsider and see what you would like to do."
"But are you sure Filius-"
"Of course, Filius looked delighted, I'm not sure retirement suits him. Now, how are you?"
The simple question caught her off balance and she gaped at him for a few seconds before swallowing hard. "I'm fine, really, I'm fine, I've got lots of really lovely friends looking out for me. I'll be fine."
Albus looked at her sternly over his half moon glasses and she felt like a student. Then, he cleared his throat and said cheerfully, "Is Severus keeping a close eye on you? I must admit I am disappointed to not see him with you."
"Don't blame Severus," she said quickly, "I begged him to give me some space, he's given me a calming draught, so I'm ok for a few hours, really, please don't blame him, he's been brilliant."
Albus inclined his head. "Very well. I must inform you, tomorrow morning I am holding the debrief meeting in the staff room, I do not expect you to come-"
"Of course I'll be there," she said quickly. "I need to know what happened; I need to know everything."
When she left Albus' office it was almost nine o' clock and she didn't know what to do with herself. Remus wouldn't have recovered properly until the next day. She didn't want to go back to her empty quarters, all she wanted was to snuggle up on Kingsley's sofa with him.
She went down to the dungeons.
Severus was sitting behind his desk, writing something.
He stood up when she walked in and strode over to her immediately. He began casting spells over her and she stood still, letting him do his work without protesting.
"How do you feel?" he asked quietly.
"Magic is back to normal, elemental magic seems under control; I think I was close to losing it a few hours ago but the calming draught did its job."
Severus frowned as he looked her over. "Hm."
He moved back to his desk and began tidying away his books and papers. "I have found a formula I can incrust into your habitual potion. It will take me several days to brew but I can link it to your mind tomorrow." He paused uncomfortably, "If you are… up to it, of course, I don't-"
"That's fine, Severus, thank you so much."
They stood in the middle of the room, Severus was looking at her with a blank face and Serena bit her lip unconsciously, avoiding his gaze.
"Can I… Can I stay here tonight?" Her voice was quiet and she still didn't meet his gaze, which was lucky because Severus had not been able to control his look of surprise. What did that mean? He thought to himself. And stay where? Should he offer his bed? Or did she just mean this evening? Did she really want to sleep there? Why would she want that? Why not anyone else?
Serena misinterpreted his silence and backed away, her cheeks burning with shame, "I'm sorry, it's ok it doesn't' matter, I'm being stupid-"
Severus stepped forward quickly and placed a gentle finger under her chin, forcing her to meet his gaze.
"Serena, you may stay as long as you wish."
Her eyes filled with tears but she didn't break their gaze, nor pull away from his touch. It was he that turned away and walked towards his rooms, looking back when she didn't follow him. "Drink?" he said shortly and she gave a small smile and let him lead her through.
He poured them both a whiskey and gestured for her to go through to his living room. She always felt honoured whenever she could curl up on his sofa, feeling proud in the knowledge that there were few people who were allowed in his quarters.
She took off her trainers and sat back into his comfy pillows, sighing. "I'm sorry to intrude, but Remus is still recovering and, I dunno, I just didn't feel like sitting in those rooms tonight."
Severus didn't say anything. He had taken off his black outer robes and sat in his crisp white shirt and black trousers tucked into his black leather boots. He was sitting in his armchair, his drink in his hand, watching her closely.
"I received your patronus," he said quietly, his curiosity getting the better of him. "How long has it taken that form?"
Serena shrugged, "It's always taken that form, but it's gotten darker… it was white, at first… now it looks like it's almost black. It's hard to tell though, I mean, sometimes it's so transparent and silvery you can barely see it."
Severus thought carefully about what she had said. "It is very rare for a patronus to take the form of a magical creature… Let alone… that creature."
Severus had been sitting at his desk writing up his potion notes when her patronus had found him. At first he had no idea who it was from, he was simply mesmerised by its beauty and its power. The beautiful unicorn had looked at him for several seconds with big curious eyes, before opening its mouth and speaking with her voice. Of course it had been hers, this stunning, mysterious creature. It fitted her perfectly and showed how powerful she was. The only other wizard he knew with a magical patronus was Albus. When the striking creature had disappeared he had felt strangely alone, longing for her to come back.
They sat talking for hours. Severus didn't think he had ever spoke as much in his life, and yet he enjoyed speaking to her, he really did. She was interesting, her comments and questions were pertinent, she brought something to the conversation, she challenged his opinions, and she often had personal experience or knowledge that he did not.
He enjoyed watching her eyebrows frown when she didn't agree, or her eyes light up, even now with all her pain, when he talked about something that engrossed her. She spoke to him like a normal person, and she was one of the only ones who did. She didn't seem to care about his past, she wasn't judgemental, she was just herself.
She had spotted a medical journal on his coffee table and had been genuinely interested and impressed to learn that he wrote articles on potions research and provided information for St. Mungo's under an alias.
She had told him all about her travels abroad and the different cultures she had met with. He had learnt that she could speak different languages, and she could drive a muggle car, a skill few wizards learnt.
She had been emotional to see the map she had gifted him at Christmas hanging in his hallway with the others and horrified to learn that she had missed his birthday in January.
Most of all, she seemed relieved to have someone to talk to about anything except what had happened. Whenever he saw the sadness return to her eyes he would start a debate or tease her about something and she would send him a grateful look and throw herself into the argument.
It was almost midnight when he came back from the bathroom and found her fast asleep in the corner of his sofa, her head resting against the arm, and her knees curled underneath her like a cat.
He crouched next to her and cast a deep sleep charm as he had the previous night. He brought a thick grey blanket from his bedroom and draped it over her. She always looked so small in muggle clothes, he thought, looking at her tight jeans and baggy t shirt. Her eyes were puffy and her lip had been bitten to a mess, but she still looked beautiful to him. He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, extinguished the fire, and went to try and get some shut-eye, sure it was impossible knowing that she was sleeping just metres away.
…
Severus woke at half past six as usual. A quick homenum revelio reassured him that she was still in his quarters. He did his usual morning workout routine of push ups and crunches and headed for a shower. He was getting changed when he heard movement and the sound of glass breaking from down the hallway. He was there in a split second, his wand in his hand, his shirt half-buttoned up and his feet bare.
The cold hit him immediately. He found Serena on her knees in the middle of the floor, holding up a hand to stop him, "wait, wait! I'm controlling it, I think I can-" she was panting and trembling violently with cold, her breath icy in the air before her. Her lips were almost blue, her eyes were shut and her brow was scrunched in concentration. Severus approached and kept his wand trained on her. Apart from a glass that she must have knocked off the table as she collapsed to the floor, the room was otherwise undamaged. He summoned the calming draught from where he had left it for her on the coffee table and uncorked it, lucky that it had not yet frozen over. He knelt slowly in front of her on the floor and pressed the bottle into her hand.
She drank. As the temperature increased and Severus felt the hairs on his arms relaxing, he noticed Serena was still trembling. He tilted his head to look at her properly and realised she was crying.
"Serena-" he began quietly but she raised her head, looking furious.
"This is fucking ridiculous!" she cried, "how long am I supposed to live like this for! I'm a fucking disgrace, I still can't control my fucking powers, I nearly killed him and now I'm nearly blowing up this fucking castle-"
"Serena stop-"
"No! she cried, tears streaming down her face, "stop telling me what to fucking do! You don't know how I feel! Why is this happening to me! Why! Why was he the one that got himself killed!" A feeble fist hit him in the chest and then another, "Make it fucking stop!" she sobbed, "I am so sick of feeling cold and alone, make it stop." She hit him again and again until Severus seized her fists and pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her and letting her weep into his chest.
He felt her pain, he felt her torment, she reminded him of himself at that age, losing the woman he'd loved.
He held her tight, both of them kneeling on the floor of his living room and he rocked her slowly against him. Part of her face, he realised, was pressed against his bare chest, and he hated himself for how that made him feel. She smelt like lemons and fresh air. He could feel her tears wetting his shirt, her hair tickled his chest hair and she clutched at him with all her strength.
It took her five minutes to calm down and when she had regained her senses she was overcome with embarrassment and shame.
"Stop it," Severus said quietly as she opened her mouth to apologise, her cheeks tinging pink. "You're not alone. You will get through this, and you're not going to start apologising for behaving normally." He allowed himself to brush a stray lock of hair behind her ear and she seemed startled by his gentleness.
"Severus-" she stopped and looked as though she didn't know whether to say what was on her mind or not. Her eyes suddenly took in his appearance, his wet hair, his unbuttoned shirt that was now covered in her mascara and tear stains and the hint of black chest hair that was just visible.
"Wow," she whispered, the hint of a smile on her lips. "You are human after all."
Severus snorted and stood up, smoothing down his ruined shirt. "If the students ever found out my authority would be ruined. I implore you to keep my secret."
She laughed, she actually laughed, and although she felt strange and guilty for doing so she also appreciated how much good it did her. Severus had turned back towards his bedroom.
"Take the floo," he said without looking back at her. "I'll join you at the meeting in an hour."
She sat for a moment on his rug thanking God for bringing such a good friend into her life. He had this wonderful power of knowing exactly what she needed before she did. He did have experience, she reminded herself, and she didn't think anyone had been there to support Severus when the woman he loved had died.
She flood back to her rooms, showered and changed into simple robes of different shades of grey. As she had done the previous day, she did her hair and her makeup as she usually would. She ate a dry cracker and drank a strong coffee and geared herself up to listen to the report of the fight in Hogsmeade and notably to see everyone.
There was a knock on the door. She frowned but was full of relief when she opened it to a worn-looking Remus who pulled her into his arms in a great bear hug.
"I'm so glad to see you," she said in a muffled voice into his robes.
He only squeezed her further. "How are you my lovely?"
She looked at him with a small grimace when he finally pulled back. "I'm ok, my magic is back, Severus is working on a solution to get my powers under control and he said they should slowly get less powerful over the next few days."
"No," he said gently. "I mean, how are you?"
Her face crumpled and she blinked furiously to stop the tears that threatened to spill over.
"I'm ok," she said in a small voice. "Sometimes I'm ok and then sometimes I'm not. My tears seem to be set off by completely random things and people asking me if I'm ok."
Remus rubbed her arms comfortingly. "That sounds perfectly normal to me."
She nodded. "Severus has been a real comfort too, he's really been looking after me."
Remus raised an eyebrow. "Well I'm glad."
"Come on," she sniffed. "Shall we go over together?"
They entered the staff room together and Serena was very glad to have Remus next to her as all the faces looked at her with sad, pitiful expressions. Tonks had started crying again and Serena had to look away from her, taking a seat instead at the far end of the table with Remus sitting protectively next to her.
Minerva, who had been making herself a coffee took the other seat next to Serena, patted her arm and then took up a conversation with Pomona on the other side of the table. Serena was extremely grateful.
The only person who did anything was Sirius who gave her a massive hug from behind and planted a kiss on her cheek, before sitting down next to Remus. Serena was surprised but she didn't mind at all.
The first part of the meeting was surprisingly uninteresting. It was mostly led by Dawlish the auror who talked about numbers and the Ministry reaction. Every time she heard Kingsley's name her heart dropped and her skin prickled, but she kept her calm, her eyes focussed on her interlinked fingers, ignoring the eyes that would fall upon her occasionally.
The second half was more difficult. Sirius, Remus and Tonks gave first-hand accounts of the arrests of Nott, Avery and Rosier as well as the final part of the battle.
Sirius obviously found it difficult to explain what had happened with Serena in his presence, but he carried on with his account without looking at her.
"The two Death Eaters we were fighting slipped into the cavern behind them and disapparated," he was saying in a steady voice. "I think by that point it was clear they had lost, the aurors had arrived and we had the situation under control… I had been hit by a bone-breaking curse. Shacklebolt told me to head back and clear the street, and he said he would check the hills at the back of Hogsmeade.
I did as he said… I didn't question his decision, we had nothing to believe that there were Death Eaters hidden up there, and Bellatrix had not even participated in the fight, I had no idea she was there."
Serena clenched her fingers tight as Tonks took up the story.
Her sentences were punctuated with hiccups and sniffs. "I had secured the perimeter of the street with James and Kennings, the aurors in my division… The remaining Death Eaters had apparated away. I was doing a second round, I was at the end of the street where Sirius said he was earlier, and then I just… I just saw a flash of green out of the corner of my eye… That was it," she said, her voice cracking. "I didn't see anything else, no fighting, no shouting, just a flash of green light and a shape disapparating… She must have just hit him in the back or something, I-" the young witch started crying again, her hair as black as night. "I called James and we ran up there together and… and… and that's when I found him." Tonks sobbed quietly whilst Dawlish finished up the report.
Serena felt numb. She had listened to the story, remembering how it had been in the chaos of the fight, she could imagine Kingsley and Sirius at the end of the street, and Kingsley seeing Sirius' broken arm and sending him away. She had listened to Tonks' account, thinking it would help her to know exactly how he had died, but all they knew was that it was the killing curse that had killed him…
At least he hadn't suffered, she thought. She hoped that he hadn't seen her coming, as cowardly as it was, she hoped Bellatrix had simply hit him in the back and vanished. She hoped he'd never had to live the moment when he realised he was going to die, and he would never see her again.
"Come on," Remus interrupted her from her thoughts and she realised that everyone was up and moving. She stood up with him, feeling very detached from the situation, as though she was living someone else's life.
"Are you coming back with me?" Remus asked her. She nodded, feeling suddenly uncomfortable. Everyone looked as though they wanted to talk to her and that was certainly not what she wanted.
Remus took her hand, gave it a squeeze and started leading her out of the room, glaring at anyone that approached them.
Severus, who was standing rigidly near the door was watching them. How easy it was for Lupin to take her hand and to hug her in front of everyone.
Serena broke away from Remus and approached him. "What time do you want me today?" she asked quietly.
"You will need to take another potion at four."
"Four it is then." She slipped out of the door with Remus and they hurried off down the corridor together.
They had a small lunch in Remus' kitchen and then took their brooms out for a fly. Remus had suggested it and it did Serena the world of good to feel the wind in her hair and to concentrate on the touch of her broom.
He walked her down to Severus' office at four o' clock and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I'll come around tomorrow morning," he said giving her a small smile. "Call me if you need anything at all."
Severus had three potions on the go at the same time. The classroom was slightly steamy and smelt of tar. She wrinkled her nose.
"What are you making?" she asked. "And why do you brew in your classroom? You said the other day you had a laboratory."
Severus didn't reply for a minute and she noticed him counting turns in his head as he stirred two potions at the same time in different rhythms.
When he had finished he reduced the fire and looked up at her.
"This one is for severe burns, the middle one is a simple draught of living death and the third one is your potion with some added ingredients I'm testing the efficiency of."
Serena watched him brew for half an hour, fascinated with his capacity to multitask and the complexity of the potions he was making. She hadn't learnt potions when she was young and even the slightest concoction was a challenge for her.
After thirty minutes he adjusted the flames and joined her, handing her another vial of calming draught that she downed in one.
"I have half an hour before the first one needs taking care of," he said, pulling up a chair opposite her. "I will explain my plan."
Serena was feeling quite nervous but also reassured that he at least had a plan and she appreciated Severus' business-like tone and how he hadn't changed his behaviour around her just because of what had happened.
"The last time we worked by linking certain potions to particular emotions. I had you relive memories and I worked inside your mind during that time to connect it to your brain. I am not going to ask you to relive anything this time. I have already taken a copy of one of your memories, I assimilated it into my own mind and I have already linked it to the potion."
"But that must have been awful," she cut across him quickly, wondering why on earth he would have done that. Taking in someone else's memory was supposed to be extremely painful. "Surely that wasn't the only option Severus?"
Severus looked uncomfortable, "Yes, it was, and it's done now. So today-"
"But-"
"Do you really want to waste my time talking about things that are finished or shall we just get on with it," he snapped, glaring at her.
She blinked and then bit her lip. "Ok. Carry on."
"As I was saying," he continued in his best teaching voice, "As the memory is already connected to a potion, I only have to transfer the magic. We will see over the next forty-eight hours if there are any side effects, your brain may well reject this method. If everything is successful then I shall give you the potion when it is ready and finalise the connection. You do not need to conjure memories like before because, well, because you are already feeling the target emotion. Do you follow?"
"Yes, I understand everything," she said quietly. "So if this works, we shall have another two weeks of monitoring like the first time and then…"
"And then there will be no more loopholes," he finished for her. "Shall we begin?"
She nodded and took out her wand, placing it on the table beside her. She scooted her chair closer to Severus and shut her eyes.
"Actually, I will not be using contact legilimens… It is important for me to check your pupils and make sure you are reacting well, I… there are several things that could go wrong."
She raised her eyebrows. "Are you telling me that what you're about to do is extremely dangerous?"
Severus shrugged. "I suppose if it was anyone else doing it it would be considered extremely dangerous, yes."
She snorted. "You do like to blow your own trumpet, don't you?"
"Excuse me?"
She sniggered and shook her head. "Get on with it, then."
It was even stranger having Severus stare into her eyes than when he would touch her face. She wasn't to think of anything in particular, she was just to sit and wait and look him in the eyes.
He had very strange eyes, she noticed. They seemed to reflect the light and change colour often. Tonight they were a very dark greeny black. He had long black eyelashes and his eyes crinkled as he concentrated. Severus withdrew a strand of magic from his own head and placed the tip of his wand to her temple. She had a strange feeling of déjà vu and a sudden urge to vomit and then the feeling passed. Severus was murmuring something in what sounded like latin and his wand tip touched her head lightly in different places.
Occasionally he would draw back and check her eyes or ask her if she was ok, and after fifteen minutes he had finished.
"Do you feel ok?" he asked, watching her closely.
She nodded.
"Good. Then we are finished. You need to rest now. And eat."
She nodded and stood up with him, suddenly looking lost. "I'll see you tomorrow, then, thanks again."
"Serena?" she turned back to face him, biting her lip hard. "You are more than welcome to rest and eat here. A second pair of hands would be welcome."
She sent him a grateful smile and her shoulders relaxed. "Of course I can help, what do you need?"
He gestured for her to sit and he handed her a small book that contained his potions notes.
He pointed with a long finger to the last paragraph.
"Here I am taking notes concerning the burn paste. I will dictate."
Serena took his quill and began writing everything he stated, trying to ignore the fact that there were a dozen charms that would have done the same thing.
It took him a further hour to finish the potion and the draught of living death. He left the third potion to simmer overnight.
They moved into his quarters and the house elves brought them an array of quiches and a pasta salad.
They ate at the table together in comfortable silence and then settled down in the evening in his living room. He gave her a book he thought might distract her but within half an hour she was asleep. It was only eight o' clock but she must have been exhausted.
He covered her with the blanket and sat back in his chair, trying to finish his book and limit his glances to once every five minutes.