Jade was still the first to wake in the morning, squinting in the brightness as a gap in the blind let the morning sun pour in. A gentle breeze accompanied the light blowing in from the open window, as evidence of their night-time interlude. When the pair had finally made their way back to bed, the bedroom had seemed unbearably stuffy in comparison to the balcony. Jade noticed Beck's arms were still around her although his grip wasn't as tight as it had been when he fell back asleep. Jade felt a frown take over her face, she'd been so caught up in her own life for the past few days she'd forgotten to keep an eye on Beck, forgotten the worries he had shared with her previously. Guilt rose within her and she shifted uncomfortably; Beck's arms tightened in response. Not for the first time in recent weeks, Jade didn't know what to do.
She carefully reached into her trouser pocket, seeking the solid lump that reminded her she'd never taken her phone out before getting back into bed. The time read 7:30 and Jade felt her mood lift slightly; despite being up in the small hours of the morning, she had slept in more complete chunks than she'd managed in the last few nights. They'd have to be getting up soon as Lane was coming a little earlier, so they had time to get to the hospital in the afternoon for her first check-up; something Jade was not looking forward to. She'd only been away from the hospital a few days and wasn't impressed she had to go back so soon. She slid the phone down onto the duvet and curled closer to Beck for a moment, not ashamed to admit to herself that she wanted just a few more minutes of peace and comfort before the day had to begin. Beck's front was pressed up against her back, a slightly different position to that of previous nights, where she was normally cuddled up to his side. He had one arm under her which Jade was sure had gone numb by now and the other draped over her middle, skilfully avoiding her broken shoulder; his head was just on his own pillow but still tilted towards her. Jade carefully moved her good arm up to take his hand in hers. She only held it loosely but, for a reason she couldn't quite understand, she was overwhelmed with the need to hold it for a moment. She closed her eyes and tried to even out her breathing using the techniques Lane had taught her in the hope she'd be able to find rest again, if only for a few more minutes.
Beck had woken as Jade had shifted against him but didn't open his eyes, exhaustion still setting in. He could see the light from behind his eyelids so knew it couldn't be long before they had to be up. It took him by surprise when Jade took his hand in hers; the intimacy of the gesture not lost on him. He stifled an inward groan as he recalled the events from the small hours of the morning; the nightmare, the panic, Jade's own reaction. They'd sat outside on the balcony for at least another hour, not talking but just sitting until he had noticed that she was getting visibly cold. Beck had thought he'd recovered from the nightmare until he was settling back between the covers and the images flashed before his mind again. He knew he'd taken Jade by surprise when he'd abandoned their normal position in favour of a tight spoon, allowing him to feel her whole body against his. She hadn't said anything but between that and his actions after the nightmare, he was certain she wasn't going to let it slide.
His thoughts were stopped from going any further by the persistent chiming of his phone alarm. He slipped his hand out from under Jade and shut it off as Jade groaned out loud. Beck couldn't hold back the snigger at his girlfriend's reaction, she never was a morning person. Jade twisted in his arms so she was looking up at him, her displeasure at the alarm sounding written plainly across her face.
"Morning."
"Yeah, it is." Beck fought back another smile at her response, instead feeling a twinge of worry at what her words meant.
"Did you get any more sleep?"
"I did actually, not loads, but I was asleep."
"That's an improvement then." Beck tried to keep his tone light, but he knew the inevitable was about to come.
"What about you?"
"I slept alright." He tried for breezy, but Jade wasn't convinced.
"Really?"
"Really!"
The look on Jade's face confirmed that his defensiveness had done nothing to convince her. Beck rolled away, wanting to avoid further questioning and Jade let him go; sometimes it was better to let him have the space to work through things. He may have missed a lot of what she was hiding during their relationship, but Jade liked to think of herself as a bit of an expert on Beck's psyche, a benefit of having such a transparent boyfriend. He was very internal, very introspective which they shared, but the difference was Beck often had his written all over his face. She could tell when he was in the middle of a deep deliberation and knew it was no use trying to get him to talk until he was ready. The previous night he had been vulnerable and needed to talk but now he was trying to come to terms with it himself, and she knew that forcing the point would only push him further away.
Pushing her own introspection to one side, Jade sat up and experimentally rolled her damaged shoulder joint. It was stiff and the pain was still present, but the aching was better, and it hadn't disturbed her during the night. She reached for the sling and manoeuvred her arm back into it, the support now welcomed. She went through the exercises on autopilot, letting her hand stretch and rotate as the muscles were moved one by one. Just as she finished up, Beck came back into the room sporting slightly damp hair with his towel wrapped around his waist.
"Bathroom is all yours."
Jade nodded, moving herself up and towards the door, all too aware Beck was watching her to make sure she didn't stumble. She pushed back at the familiar annoyance as she remembered the scene from not too long ago where she had ended up trapped on the hospital shower room floor. She left the bathroom door slightly ajar, a reluctant if unspoken compromise.
In the bathroom, she regarded her appearance critically in the mirror, still unhappy with how she still didn't look like herself. Despite the increased sleep of the previous evening, her under-eye bags looked bigger than ever, a complement to the dark shadows that marred her still too pale skin. She impatiently pulled a brush through her hair only to wince as she caught the site of her previous cut and the skin pulled. She found herself trying to take a calming breath before easing off the pressure on her hairbrush. She knew getting frustrated would get her nowhere, but she didn't know how that was supposed to help her not feel frustrated. She pulled her hair into a half-hearted parting, she wasn't missing the colourful streaks as much as she thought she would, but she noticed her dye was starting to grow out, her lighter roots becoming slightly more visible. She fought the urge to scowl at them. Dyeing her hair was not going to be a job she could do one handed.
As she returned to the bedroom, she found clothes Beck had laid out for her and her eyes narrowed.
"I know, but these are all the clean clothes you have left, they were in the drawer with mine." Again, Jade swallowed the frustration that had been rising at what she had assumed was Beck's fussing and simply nodded. She wasn't sure what the solution was to that, she knew she had to go back to the house at some point, but she didn't think she could handle it right now. If she had the choice, she would never set foot in that house again, but she had a feeling Lane would be bringing it up sooner rather than later. She quickly stamped down on that train of thought, it was veering too close to the list of currently forbidden topics she'd tried to banish from her mind.
After dressing, during which Beck had tried to make himself as inconspicuous as possible in the living area and failed miserably, they made their way downstairs only to cross paths with Mr West as he was headed out. The awkwardness was tangible. Jade remembered the missed call from the day before, wondering for the first time what he had actually wanted. He'd never left a message and barely said more than a few words to them when he'd arrived home in the evening.
"Good morning Jade."
"Hi."
Beck lingered behind her, unsure if he should say anything given Mr West hadn't bothered to address him. He met his eyes and Mr West gave him a curt nod.
"You are going to the hospital today?"
"Yes, this afternoon." She wasn't sure whether it was a question or a statement, or even how he knew.
"You'll let me know how it goes?" Jade's eyes narrowed reflexively, if he already knew about the appointment from someone other than her, couldn't he get the outcome in the same way?
"Sure, if you're around this evening?" The accusation in her words couldn't be missed and Mr West's face twitched slightly.
"We'll talk then." And with that, he walked out the door without a glance back, leaving Jade standing in the foyer unsure if she was more bewildered at his actions or annoyed. She wasn't sure why she'd even asked him if he'd be around, she would rather he wasn't as it made her life less complicated, less feelings to deal with. She didn't want to talk about anything with him.
"Breakfast?" Beck had been watching her carefully, unsure of whether he needed to pull her from her thoughts or let them continue. Jade didn't say anything but nodded and they made their way into the kitchen only to find Vera was already standing over by the sink.
"Oh, good morning you two, I thought I heard you coming down." To Beck' surprise, Jade didn't flinch at the woman's presence, instead slowly approaching her and taking one of the glasses of juice that had been set aside.
"Toast again Jade?"
"Yes, thanks." Vera smiled at her before prompting Beck.
"Young man?"
"Toast would be great, thank you."
"Oh, it's no problem dear; Jam, butter or marmalade?"
"Marmalade would be great." Beck was enthusiastic as he also took a glass of juice as Vera bustled around readying their toast.
"Have you got a busy day planned?" The question was aimed at the both of them, but Beck answered it smoothly.
"Fairly, we've got an appointment to keep in the afternoon."
"Do you need a lift anywhere? My car may not be the most modern, but it gets me from 'a to b' as they say, and the radio is second to none."
Beck smiled as he shook his head.
"Thanks for the offer but we'll take my truck."
"Well if you change your mind, just let me know."
Jade watched their interaction quietly. Beck seemed so at ease again, no trace of his earlier anxiety; he seemed so normal it didn't quite make sense. It was making her question whether she really knew Beck as well as she thought she did. He seemed to slip from one mindset to the other almost seamlessly. Jade found herself wandering out to the deck like she had the day before, followed shortly by Beck carrying a laden tray that Vera had prepared. Breakfast was a quiet affair, but Beck could tell that Jade's mood had shifted from earlier. He didn't say anything, assuming her change in mood was due to the run-in with her father and therefore she would not want to talk about it. It came as a surprise when Jade laid down her knife and fixed him with a stare.
"So, are we going to talk about last night?" All her intentions of holding off until Beck was ready to talk had swiftly gone out the window with Beck's change in attitude. Jade didn't understand it and for some reason, that fact was making her inexplicably angry.
"What is there to talk about? I had a nightmare and got a bit freaked out."
"Right, so I have to talk about my feelings and thoughts whenever anyone demands it, but the same doesn't apply to you?"
"I don't know what you want me to say?"
Their argument was quickly becoming heated with Jade frustrated at Beck and Beck was firmly on the defensive.
"How about the truth Beck? You were acting off all of yesterday evening!"
"No, I wasn't. It was just a bad dream."
"And what about when you came in from school? Huh?" Beck's mind flitted back to the precious afternoon, to the feeling of relief when he saw Jade, the way almost desperate way he'd kissed her; he could have kicked himself, of course she'd noticed.
"Oh, so I'm not allowed to kiss you anymore? Sorry I didn't realise we have rules now." Beck lashed out and Jade visibly recoiled, hurt visible in her eyes. Beck immediately felt guilty, wishing he could take the words back as soon as they left his mouth.
"Jade, I didn't mean it like that." He said softly, desperate to get her to understand. "I'm sorry I just-"
"Just what?" Jade countered "You're doing is again Beck, you're holding me to a different standard than you hold yourself to; you're expecting me to be open with you even though you won't be with me."
Jade regarded him and Beck struggled to keep his eyes on hers.
"I was going to leave it until you were ready to talk, I really was, but you seem so normal this morning and I can't work out if you are actually fine or whether you're just really good at hiding things from me."
It was the opening Beck needed to insist he was fine, and that the severity of the nightmare was an anomaly but even as he opened his mouth, the words wouldn't come out. He knew it would be a lie.
He shut his mouth, defeated and Jade felt a simultaneous relief and dread with her victory. Beck had the grace to look slightly ashamed as he started down at his toast crusts. He wanted to say something but was stopped as Jade looked slightly behind him, Lane had appeared in the doorway to the kitchen.
Jade stifled a groan at the counsellor's lousy timing.
"I'm not going to force you to talk Beck, that's for you to decide, but this isn't going to work if you can't trust me." Jade kept her voice firm, trying to keep the slight tremor out of it as the gravity of her words hit both of them. Beck wanted to protest, to make her believe that he trusted her and that this was really nothing, but he couldn't find the words.
"Morning Jade, Morning Beck." Lane approached the table with his own plate of toast in his hand and, for once, Jade chose to interact with the counsellor as Beck stayed silent.
As they exchanged muted pleasantries, Beck felt panic swirling in his stomach; was he really about to lose Jade again? He came out of his thoughts to find Lane was giving him a pointed look as he spoke about schoolwork, reminding Beck it was his time to leave so they could have their session. He moved his chair back wordlessly, meeting Jade's eyes for a second before he departed without a word. Jade bit her lip, worried she had pushed him too far and ended up pushing him away completely. Their change in behaviour did not go unnoticed by the counsellor.
"Everything okay there?" Jade didn't supress the roll of her eyes, Lane was nothing if not predictable.
"No, he's being weird." If Lane was surprised by her honesty, he didn't let it show.
"Weird?"
"He's all clingy again, like he's terrified of leaving me alone, but he won't admit to it." Lane considered her words, concerned that his chat and brief session with Beck the day before had done little to help if he was still in denial.
"Has something brought this on?"
Jade paused for a moment before choosing to answer, unsure if this was too personal for Beck for her to be sharing with Lane.
"He had a nightmare last night, and I wasn't in bed and by the time he found me his was so panicked I thought he was going to pass out."
"Hmm."
"Really, that's all you've got to say?" Jade was now glaring at the counsellor who remained unfazed.
"Jade there is such a thing as doctor-patient confidentiality, I can't tell you what I discuss with Beck any more than I can tell him what we talk about."
"But you have been talking with him?" Jade pressed.
"Yes."
Jade felt vindicated as she realised that she hadn't been misreading the signs that badly, but it was quickly followed with concern and a fair amount of guilt. Had she been so wrapped up in her own troubles that she failed to see that Beck was also suffering? He had told her before, when they'd had the argument-discussion that had ultimately led to them getting back together but it had barely been brought up since; the only time was when Jade had suggested he text her if he was starting to worry when he wasn't there. She thought back to the previous day when she'd missed three of his messages, had that been what triggered it? The problem was he did seem so normal most of the time.
'But then again, what is normal about the way he runs around looking after me?' In that moment, Jade hated herself again, hated her mother and the situation she'd put her in, hated her inability to control her emotions and hated the damn weight that sat on her chest no matter how hard she tried to get rid of it.
Lane watched the emotions play across her face, slowly at first and then all at once. He was concerned for both of his students, having spent many an evening lost in a mug of tea wondering about the injustice of the world for putting two people through so much at such a young age. For now, his main concern had to be Jade, but he resolved to revisit Beck later.
"Beck is facing his own struggles, as you well know you can't just come out the other side of something traumatic with no scars."
His words offered little comfort, but a small thought did break through, the thought that at least she wasn't the only one anymore. It was strange but she felt almost like the balance between them had evened out in the last 12 hours; he was no longer the pinnacle of health and normality caring for an emotionally screwed-up mess.
Lane sensed Jade wasn't going to want to talk further about Beck and moved the conversation on, keen to discuss her mother before Mr West brought it up again.
"Have you thought any more about a funeral for your mother?"
The response was instantaneous as Jade's eyes dropped into her lap, posture tensing as her gut clenched painfully.
"No." Her voice was low and strained.
"Can I ask why?" Lane was a little surprised that she hadn't thought about it at all, as while it was an uncomfortable topic, he would have thought it would have been difficult for her not to think about. Jade was realising the oddness of her admission just as Lane was; why hadn't she been thinking about it?
"I don't know, I guess it was just easier not to and it's not like there isn't plenty of other things I've had on my mind."
Lane seemed to accept this, but Jade wasn't finished.
"I did think about her yesterday a little, but I just want to feel normal again and yesterday was the closest I think I've been in a while and I didn't want to ruin it by thinking of her."
"I'm glad to hear you're making progress and I agree, the move to this house has put a lot on your plate but you can't avoid thinking about it forever; no matter how much you might want to."
Jade sighed.
"Yeah, I know."
"What are your feelings around a funeral?"
"I don't know – it doesn't make sense to me. It'd be like glamorising death; you know that crap that when a bad person dies everyone still mourns and remembers like one good thing about them but then-"
Jade broke off, unsure where that line of thought was actually going to take her.
"But what?"
"I don't know if she really was a bad person." Her words bought with them a flash of red-hot anger and she fought against a lump in her throat. The angry words she'd written in the notebook that was still stuffed down the side of the sofa from the day before rushed to the front of her mind.
"I hate her, and I hate everything about her, I hate what she did to me and what she took from me but, how much of it was the crap she was injecting into her veins?"
Jade didn't notice but she was digging her nails into her thighs again as the agitation rose inside her.
"All the research says addicts aren't in control but that's got to be bullshit because somewhere along the line she made a decision to take them, she decided that the feeling was more important than anything else." Jade got up from the table in a sudden movement, but Lane stayed put, keen to let her work through her feelings. She started to pace fervently, nails still running up and down a patch of her thigh.
"And even if she wasn't in control, how come she never saw anything she did. Shouldn't she have realised the first time she threw a fucking plate at me that she needed to change? Or was that an acceptable price to pay for the high she got?" Jade could remember the first time her mother had thrown something at her with a vivid clarity, the shock that had rooted her to the spot and the fury in her mother's glassy eyes because Jade had eaten the last of the pasta in the cupboard.
"Or the first time she woke up on the hall floor in a pile of her own vomit? Or when her husband left her? But then he's no better than her, in fact he may even be worse." Jade spat.
"At least she can blame the drugs, what was his fucking excuse for leaving me there? After he left, I didn't hear from him for months, he never even came back for his stuff. How can I condemn her while I live with him?"
In that moment, Lane knew they'd hit the crux of the problem Jade was facing in her head. Trying to rationalise feelings towards a dead person was never an easy task, even less so when a second conflicting person was still around.
"Well?!" Jade turned on him, eyes on fire but all the while pleading for an answer that Lane just didn't have.
"There isn't a straight-forward answer here Jade, for all the reasons you've just listed."
"I thought you were supposed to be a good counsellor?" Her words lacked the earlier heat and Lane didn't let them bother him, knowing there was no real meaning behind them. Jade sat back into the chair, letting her hand run through her hair in an unconscious move she'd seen Beck do many times before.
"I think you need to have a conversation with your father, you're struggling to reconcile his role in all this which, while it is in many ways separate to your mother's behaviour, the two are very much together in your head."
Jade couldn't argue with this but the thought of even trying to talk to the living statue that was Mr West made her skin itch.
"He won't want to talk, you've seen him."
"Yes, I have." Lane said carefully, "I've seen him on the defensive and caught off-guard while under pressure; it might be different if the two of you were to sit down properly."
"Now you're making excuses for him?"
"Not excuses but I'm more impartial than you, I'm trying to be fair."
Jade scoffed in response but said nothing further; regrettable thought it was to admit it, she realised Lane might have a point. She took a deep breath before letting the familiar counting take over, determined that the thought of talking to someone wasn't going to push her over the edge, even if that someone was her father.
The rest of the session was spent discussing how Jade could approach the discussion and whether she wanted anyone else there for it; she'd ultimately decided it would be better if it was just the two of them as she might be more likely to get an honest answer out of him. They finished with more breathing and sleep exercises; Lane having been encouraged as Jade admitted she'd taken a sleeping pill the night before. By the time it was over, Jade was exhausted and ready to crawl back into bed before she remembered the hospital appointment. With a sigh, she got up from the chair and managed to balance the tray so she could carry it back in with one hand. She delivered it to a grateful Vera who was elbow deep in washing up bubbles although somewhat quieter than Jade had become used to.
As she was climbing the stairs, she remembered the awkward way things had been left with Beck that morning, the way he'd departed without saying a word from the breakfast table. The thought of having it out with him again only served to make her more tired, she wondered if it was possible to put an argument on hold for the next few hours. Beck didn't immediately hear her come up, seemingly lost in his assignment on his laptop; Jade watched him for a moment before making herself known, mustering up a smile she hoped would tell him that she came in peace.
"Oh, sorry I didn't see you standing there." Beck jumped slightly but was relieved that Jade didn't look as angry as she had at breakfast, instead just looking tired.
"We only just finished." Jade flopped down on the couch next to him, careful to keep a respectful distance in case Beck didn't want to be close to her. Beck noticed straight away but didn't comment, not wanting to disturb the fragile peace between them.
"Look I'm sorry about this morning, I of all people shouldn't have pushed it." Jade had decided as she climbed the stairs that she would be the first to try and make peace. The conversation may not have been resolved but she didn't have the energy for so much conflict, especially with the one person in her life she'd really come to count on. Beck's reaction was almost instinctive as he protested.
"No you were right, your timing might have surprised me but I had plenty of opportunity to tell you what was going on in my head yesterday and I didn't – for a whole bunch of reasons but the main ones were not the right ones." He admitted.
It had been easy to pretend he was doing it to protect Jade as she had enough on her mind but, in reality, his own sense of self-preservation was playing an equally large, if not larger, part in his decision.
"I don't want to fight." Jade admitted.
"We're not fighting." Beck said firmly. "We're having an adult conversation."
Jade quirked an eyebrow in response, the corner of her mouth tugging up ever so slightly.
"Really?"
"Yes, really. And I promise I'll talk to you about it but not right now as we have to get going or we will be late to your appointment."
"Promise?" A flash of vulnerability crossed Jade's eyes, the fear of being let down was hard to dismiss after all these years. Beck pulled her to him in a half hug, closing the distance on the sofa between them.
"Promise."
He felt her smile against his neck as they took a moment to savour each other.
The journey to the hospital was uneventful beyond the usual LA traffic. They maintained a comfortable quiet as the radio played in the background however it was as they pulled into the car park that Jade began to feel a little odd. She felt hot all of a sudden and her stomach started to roll, Beck was half out the car before he noticed that not only had she not moved, but her face had taken on an even paler shade than usual.
"Jade?" He walked around to open the door, only to find Jade digging her nails back into her thigh.
"Jade?" he repeated, gently taking her hand and trying not to wince as her nails found his skin. Beck made a mental note to place an Amazon order for more stress balls. He noticed her breathing was too quick and he started to talk to her in low tones.
"It's okay, we're only visiting remember, you're not staying here."
Jade blinked a few times, trying to force her head to clear.
"I know that it's just, I can't-"
"It's okay, we don't need to go in just yet, take your time." He squeezed her hand, comforted when she squeezed back immediately.
"It's going to be fine, just breathe deep."
Breathing. Yes. That was it.
Jade's thoughts came in fragments, but her brain finally seemed to take over at Beck's reminder, forcing her into the familiar rhythm.
In for three, hold for three, out for four.
In for three, hold for three, out for four.
She pushed at the feeling of panic, forcing herself to focus in on the soft hand holding hers and the slight breeze coming through the open door. The mantra inside her head telling her that her lungs were not collapsing and that she was still breathing perfectly fine. It took almost ten minutes before Jade felt well enough to open her eyes properly and loosen her grip on Beck. She felt shaky and a small amount of annoyance that once again she'd managed to lose control at seemingly nothing.
"Think you can walk?" Beck's voice was soft but a welcome intrusion.
"Yeah." She was still a little breathless, but the annoyance was being channelled into determination. She wasn't about to let a fucking hospital get the better of her. Beck walked closely next to her but stopped himself from putting an arm around her, trying to let her assert her independence. In truth, he'd been expecting some sort of reaction from Jade earlier as Lane had warned him that it might force her into an unpleasant headspace.
LINE BREAK
The out-patients wing was a busy hive of activity, with medical staff of all levels seemingly constantly on the move. Beck signed Jade in, and they were directed to a seating area where the physio would meet with them and later Dr Griffiths. Jade shifted every few minutes in her seat, clearly uncomfortable with her surroundings. Beck fell back on an old routine and chattered on about nothing in particular to distract her; he had almost re-hashed his theatre history essay in its entirety by the time the Physiotherapist came to get them.
Jade felt no small amount of trepidation as she followed the man into a small examination room where he removed her sling. Beck sat quietly in the corner holding their jackets, content to stay silent unless she needed him. The physio was efficient, Jade would give him that, and he was pleased that her clavicle was healing well.
"Your soft tissues have settled nicely so you can reduce the use of your sling over the next week and then stop wearing it altogether. Keep up with the exercises and add in the new ones we've talked about. I'll see you again in four weeks for a final X-Ray."
Jade blinked; caught off-guard by the fact she could be ditching the sling by the end of the following week and by the way the doctor had acted as though it would nearly all be healed in another four. For some reason, it didn't seem plausible to Jade that her shoulder would feel normal in just another four weeks. She shuffled out the room still feeling bemused as Beck chatted happily about the good news that had evidently also caught him by surprise.
"At least you'll be more comfortable at night as well, I saw you ditch it yesterday."
"It's a pain in the ass to sleep in."
"Or a pain in your shoulder?"
"Shove it." There was no malice behind the words and even a small smile managed to play its way across her face, much to Beck's delight. In some ways the last few days had been some of the most challenging but at the same time it was as though parts of the old Jade were also managing to resurface. It was a confusing confliction, but Beck revelled in every sarcastic word and scowl she threw his way.
"Jade, I wasn't expecting to see you again so soon." Both looked up to see Dr Griffiths strolling towards them, white coat billowing behind them.
"This was the only appointment the physio could give me?"
"Yes, they must have scheduled you in to see me at the same time without realising I didn't need to see you until next week; still, now you're here we might as well do a check-up."
Jade's mood deflated a little with the knowledge she might have been able to leave without Dr Griffiths poking at her if the receptionist had done her job properly. Still she didn't voice her displeasure, although the expression on her face was probably doing that well enough on its own, and followed the doctor down the corridor to another examination room. This time, Beck was offered a seat outside which he took without question; he'd learnt Dr Griffiths was not someone to be trifled with.
"How has your head been since you've left."
"Manageable." Jade said truthfully. "I haven't need anything extra beyond what I take in the morning and the evenings."
"And the headaches."
"Still having them but they are not that bad, it's easier to ignore them."
"Mmm. Have you been sleeping?"
Jade internally rolled her eyes, fairly certain that the doctor didn't believe her about the pain.
"I struggled so I started taking the sleeping pills you prescribed."
Dr Griffiths was unable to hide her surprise at Jade's admission.
'Ha!' Jade knew it was childish, but she felt a certain victory over the Doctors scepticism, a feeling she never thought she'd associate with sleeping pills.
"How did you find them?"
"I went to sleep quickly but woke up almost exactly four hours later."
"Did you manage to go back to sleep?"
"Yes, but it took a while." Jade was still annoyed that she'd worked herself so much over taking them just for them not to work all that well.
"It will take a few nights to settle into the routine with them but are you getting a better quality of sleep?"
"I don't know, I only took them for the first-time last night." Jade admitted grudgingly "But I think so."
"See how it goes, we can always adjust them if you don't get on with them."
Jade nodded but kept quiet; if these didn't work, she had no interest in trying something else.
Dr Griffiths inspected both her healing head wounds and was seemingly content to let Jade go with no further instructions, beyond seeing her again in a week. As Dr Griffiths watched Jade walk down the corridor, she allowed herself a rare moment of emotion for her patient; Jade might still have a way to go but Dr Griffiths was more convinced now that she'd get there in the end.
They drove back to her father's house in much the same manner they had before, although with a stop at the El Huero drive-through as Beck claimed he had a craving for burritos. In the end he had bought so much food that Jade suspected his motives were more to try and encourage her to eat so she appeased him by nibbling on a few fries as they drove back into the hills. As they arrived back, a cheerful Vera greeted them, this time without the rubber gloves Jade had seen her in earlier. It was at this point Beck invited her to eat with them, fishing out an extra burrito that he'd picked up.
"Oh, how thoughtful, thank you Beck, I'd love to."
As they were sitting outside, Jade was once again struck with the oddity of the fact she didn't seem to mind Vera's presence. In fact, she was actually beginning to like listening to her tell stories even if they seemed nonsensical and often veered off to the point where they bared no relation to the start of the story at all. She didn't feel pressure in Vera's presence to engage in anything beyond an occasional acknowledgement that she was listening. Beck and Vera seemed happy to talk at length covering any number of topics from the traffic to the weather, all the way through to what could be found in the bargain bins at Walmart. Jade found herself actually following the conversation, and even adding in an occasional comment or nod to a story Beck was telling.
After Vera left the table, proclaiming she still had work to finish before she left for the day, Jade and Beck moved upstairs and back out onto the balcony although this time on separate loungers. Beck set up his schoolwork and Jade sat with her notebook on her lap, pages safely turned to the back so Beck wouldn't see any of the other notes. It laid open but untouched on her lap for a while before she started jotting down odd words, almost like a mood board that she'd often use when she was drafting an idea for a song or script. Most of it was non-sensical but it was enough to keep her occupied as Beck chipped away at his next essay.
Several hours had gone by when the ringing of Beck's phone interrupted the quiet between the two. He pulled it out, pulling a slight face as he saw the caller's ID.
"It's my mom."
"Aren't you going to answer it?" Jade was confused as to why he hadn't already, a feeling nagging at her that this was part of something that Beck had yet to tell her. He got to his feet as he answered the call.
"Hi Mom."
He gestured to Jade that he was going inside, and she nodded briefly, still unsure as to what was going on. The conversation was muffled by the unopened section of the French doors and Jade decided against straining to hear; she was reasonably confident after the morning's discussion he would tell her what was going on soon. She shut her notebook and pulled her own phone out, she had more texts from Cat but she bypassed them to go to The Slap instead, almost out of habit. She scrolled down the newsfeed warily, unsure if she really wanted to know what was happening at school and what she was missing out on. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, a collection of posts from Tori about the Spring showcase, a few snippets of Andre's latest songs and a creepy video from Rex where he was guessing the shoe size of passing Northridge girls. She was about to exit the app when her phone started to buzz.
Incoming call: Cat Valentine.
Jade started at the phone as though it had never rung before. Her finger hovered over the reject button before she made a split-second decision and accepted the call instead.
"Hello?"
"Jadeeey! Hi! I knew you'd answer as I saw your green light on The Slap" Cat's squeal was so loud she had to move the phone away from her ear. "They all said you wouldn't want to talk but I knew you'd pick up." There was a kerfuffle in the background that Jade knew was the 'they' Cat referred to trying to shut her up.
"Jadeey I haven't seen you in ages."
"It's been, like, four days Cat."
"But you don't come to school anymore." She could practically see the pout on Cat's face.
"It's not forever Cat." Jade muttered although at this point it sure felt like forever; hell, she wasn't even sure she wanted to go back for the sheer awkwardness of it. She had no idea what rumours were being said but she was certain they weren't good ones. The truth was probably just as bad as the rumours and Jade had never taken being embarrassed well.
"Are you feeling any better?"
"A little."
There was more shuffling on the end of the phone that ended in a hurried "Just ask her."
"Tori wants to know if you liked your presents, but she said to tell you she's not actually here, but I don't get it because she's standing right next to Andre." Jade rolled her eyes as she heard more shuffling on the end of the phone and harried whispers.
"It's alright Cat, the stuff was great." Jade swallowed awkwardly, expressing gratitude wasn't something she was good at. "Say thanks to… to Tori and the others for me."
As she heard Cat relay her message, Jade heard Andre speak up.
"Just tell her we all miss her Cat."
Jade found herself swallowing again at Andre's smooth yet oddly subdued tone. She had been so quick to write them off after that evening in Karaoke Dokie but she wasn't so sure now that their intentions had been quite what she thought they were. She stayed quiet as Cat repeated Andre's message more successfully than Tori's and then let Cat ramble on about the latest happenings in Sikowitz's class for a bit before she heard the bell sounding through the phone. Jade ended up having to convince Cat to hang up and get to the last class of the day, with Cat only agreeing on the condition she could visit at the weekend.
As Jade set her phone down, she could hear Beck still on the phone with his own mom; Beck's half of the conversation had gotten louder but still not enough for Jade to hear what was being said. She stared down at her phone, thinking of Tori, Andre and Robbie as she tried to figure out their motivations. It still didn't make sense to her why they'd sent the hamper given how strained things had been recently. She still wasn't sure what to think of the text messages she'd had off of Robbie and Andre in the immediate aftermath of the accident. Everything surrounding the group seemed so jumbled in her head.
She pushed it to one side, resolving to talk to Beck about it later. The past few months she'd been under the impression they were Beck's friends not hers, and Beck got them in the break-up. Although Cat was the outlier who just flitted around. Jade knew she hadn't gone out of her way to mix with them either, but she'd been hurt when communication had just seemed to deteriorate when she and Beck had split. Seeing them all at Karaoke Dokie that evening had just been the final straw in Jade's mind but now she questioned it.
Beck's return broke her train of thoughts, her own concern growing as she saw the strain on his face.
"Problems?" She questioned and Beck sighed, moving to sit on the edge of the lounger so he faced her.
"Their flight is landing tomorrow morning and they want me to get them from the airport."
"And?"
"And they don't want me staying here every night."
Jade frowned. It wasn't entirely unexpected but that didn't help the feeling of uncertainty inside of her at the thought of Beck not being there when she was so used to it. Beck looked more outwardly torn up than Jade hoped she was allowing herself to look which sparked a whole new issue in her head. Beck's nightmare from the previous evening would have been even more terrifying for him if he hadn't found her on the balcony. Jade cleared her throat slightly.
"How often will they let you come over?" Beck shrugged angrily, his frustrations starting to bubble over.
"It's complete shit, I'm nearly an adult; I don't even live in their damn house anymore so I don't know where they get off thinking they can tell me what to do."
Jade winced; it took a lot to make Beck swear.
"They just think they're doing what's best." She said quietly, although she wasn't exactly sure why she was defending them.
"Well they should ask first! Why do they assume they know what's best for me, and for you?" He kicked out at the leg of the lounger, swearing loudly again. His agitated reaction was so out of character, Jade's concern continued to grow; maybe Beck's parents had a point. She reached out and put her hand on his knee, trying to get his attention. It worked as almost immediately he picked it up to hold it in his own.
"Beck, talk to me." Jade was firm now, her words not giving Beck the option to back out. Beck swallowed, he knew he was being irrational, and his mom was only worried about him but the thought of being separated from Jade was making his stomach twist unpleasantly.
"It's like I told you in the hospital, I get worried when I'm not around you."
Jade inwardly rolled her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time that day, obviously Beck was not going to be making this easy.
"Seems to be more than worried." Jade stated plainly, fixing Beck with a hard stare. She could see his body language was uncomfortable, but he seemed to be picking his words very carefully.
"Sometimes it's a bit more, the nightmares are what makes it worse, other than that it's fine."
Jade didn't believe him for one second.
"So, when I didn't answer your texts yesterday morning, you were absolutely fine?"
Beck's posture slumped and Jade knew she had him there. Beck wanted to deny the happenings of the previous day, his distraction in class and the fact he'd considered leaving after break as his third message went unanswered. He could still feel the panic in his gut and the way it had made his hands clammy every time he checked his damn phone.
'But how would Jade know that?' Beck suddenly thought, an angry idea suddenly rearing in his head.
"So, is that why you didn't answer my texts, you and Lane been talking about me when I'm not here?" He was angrily echoing something Jade had accused him of just the week before, although he didn't realise it. Jade struggled to stay calm at the accusation.
"No, I told you my phone was upstairs, and I didn't realise. Therapy with Lane is kind of intense, so I wasn't thinking about my phone."
Beck immediately felt guilty at his insinuation, Jade could be vindictive but not when it really mattered. She wouldn't have wanted to hurt him, not anymore.
"Lane and I only spoke about you for the first time this morning, and he didn't tell me anything. I didn't even ask that much because I know what it's like to have people think they can discuss and debate your private life while you're not there." Jade's tone was pointed now and it furthered Beck's general feeling of shame.
"I'm sorry." He squeezed her hand tighter and Jade squeezed back before moving herself up and across to Beck's lounger, feeling the need for closeness.
"You lashed out." She stated, her tone matter of fact. "I understand, I do it all the time, but did you ever think that I might be the one person who can actually understand what you're feeling?"
Beck realised in that moment, that it really hadn't crossed his mind that Jade might get what he was feeling. He'd been so concerned with not adding to her burden and minimising his feelings to himself and everyone around him that he hadn't even considered Jade might me the one who could understand.
He shook his head in response.
"Right before I have an attack, my stomach starts to flip, and twist and it makes me feel sick. My head feels like it's been wrapped in cotton wool and sometimes it makes my vision blurry or start to tunnel. My thoughts speed up, but they don't seem to make sense and then my breathing gets short. Sometimes I swear it feels like my heart is about to bust out my chest and it's painful to the point at which sometimes I wonder if I'm dying."
Jade took a sudden intake of breath, thinking about the symptoms was unsettling enough that it made her feel anxious. Talking about them was even worse, it was information she never intended for Beck to know but now things had changed, she wanted to get through to him.
"Most of the time, it feels like I have a giant weight sitting on my chest and I have to fight to keep it from getting worse. If I start to panic, it feels like the weight is squeezing the air out of my lungs."
Beck hung on every word she said, both surprised and honoured that she was sharing this with him; the rushed quality of her tone indicating that this was definitely not easy for her.
"I kind of felt like that last night, but it was more I woke up sweating and when I couldn't find you, I couldn't catch my breath and my heart was racing; adrenaline I guess." Beck shrugged, trying not to linger on his thoughts from the night before.
"The rest of the time it's just a feeling that follows me around, it's weird it's like a little cloud of doom."
"A feeling that tells you something bad is going to happen but won't tell you what?"
"Yeah." Jade's description was spot on but as he looked at her, he knew why; she had one too.
"And sometimes it's easy enough to brush it to one side, like how it was at the hospital or this afternoon but then it isn't again, usually if we're in different places and it just eats away at me."
He ran a hand through his hair, scratching his scalp as he went. Admitting to his feelings hadn't been a magical release but it felt good to get some of it off his chest. In the after-school meeting with Lane the previous evening, he hadn't given much away, and Lane had just walked him through some thought rationalisation exercises. Beck had given them a half-hearted attempt before giving up; they made him feel ridiculous.
"Welcome to my world." Jade's soft if slightly rueful reply jerked him back to the present. On autopilot, Beck's arms went around her, and Jade extended her good arm to hold him back as they laid down onto the back of lounger. Beck found his eyes shutting for a moment as he took comfort in the embrace as Jade also relaxed against him.
"Is that why you stayed after school yesterday?" Jade murmured, twisting her head to look up at him from her place on his chest.
"Yeah."
"Did it help?" Jade tried to tread carefully, reminding herself of how intrusive she found it if someone asked about her own therapy; it was off to be on the other end of the conversation for once.
"Not really." Beck admitted. "But I don't know if I gave it a fair shot." If he was being honest, he may as well be completely honest.
"Lane might be a pain in the ass, but I think he knows what he's talking about. You should give him a chance."
Beck exhaled, not willing to respond just yet. What Jade was saying made perfect sense, but it didn't make it any easier to swallow.
"Beck." Jade prodded. "You can't carry on like this, we can't be with each other every minute of the day and night."
"I know that." Beck let some frustration bleed through into his words, but Jade ignored it, tightening her grip on him a little.
"Besides, it wouldn't work anyway."
"What wouldn't?"
"Being with each other 24/7, your brain would still find a way to worry and panic, it's not something you can just appease."
That fact was something Jade was learning all on her own. Removing triggers didn't solve anything, at best it provided temporary relief, but it was like her brain would adapt and re-focus either on something entirely new or just another aspect of what she had originally been anxious over.
Jade had found herself struggling with the sheer variety of things that seemed to evoke a panic response in her, whether it was thinking about certain topics, the smell of paint (and that one really didn't make sense to her) or just simply sitting quietly; it was exhausting trying to constantly balance things out and keep control of her response. At least earlier at the hospital made more sense to her, the hospital wasn't exactly a hive of good memories for her so while it hadn't been pleasant, her reaction had been somewhat justifiable in her mind.
Beck stayed quiet for a while, chewing over everything Jade had said and realistically he knew she was right. He couldn't carry on the way he was; it just wasn't going to work. He supressed a sigh before agreeing to talk to Lane properly and he could swear he felt Jade relax a bit more against him with his admission. He supposed he wanted to do it for her as much as for himself; he knew he had worried her with his behaviour, and he hated it.
On a whim, he tried the counting to ten Lane had suggested the previous evening, counting slowly and not letting yourself get distracted until you got to ten. He wasn't entirely sure what the point was, but he felt a little overwhelmed and needed something to focus his mind on. By the time he got to ten, he wasn't sure whether it had made a difference, but he didn't feel any worse. He opened his mouth to speak again, this time looking down at Jade, but rapidly shut his mouth again when he saw she'd fallen asleep against him. He felt his heart swell a little at the sight. It may not have been the first time in recent weeks she'd fallen asleep against him but every time it felt like a privilege that she trusted him enough to let herself fall asleep. He was glad, she'd had a tough day so far and she'd already looked tired after her session with Lane. He only hoped her brain would let her stay asleep for a while, and not wake her up with a start in twenty minutes time. Beck carefully moved his head to a more comfortable position and let his own eyes start to shut. School could wait for a few hours.
For a chapter that I originally thought would be uneventful, I managed over 9000 words so I hope you think it was worth it. I know I said Mr West would be back again but Beck and Jade decided to have it out, as Beck definitely needed to start being more honest with himself. Mr West will be in the next chapter as Jade attempts to battle her demons head on.
All mistakes are my own. Thank you to those who reviewed the last chapter, I love hearing your thoughts.