A/N: Check the date, it's time for this story to truly go insane.

(For those reading after April 1st, 2020 I offer my sincere apologies.)

Jill and I sat in Celestia, a strange silence overlaying our usual banter and my recalling of my life story as I drank.

"Say… What do you think the hardest animal to win a wrestling match against is?" Jill asked, trying to break the silence. "Obviously something deadly like a bear, but you know… Which one?"

"Well first of all, it'd have to be something with scales or something that makes it hard to grip, so probably not anything land-based." I sip at my Beer. "Unless you want to go with an anaconda or something."

Jill put a hand to her chin. "They are known for being slimy and slippery. But you have a point, probably something aquatic."

"Well in that case, probably a blue whale." I shrug.

"Eh, it wouldn't fit in the arena. Probably something smaller but still supremely hard to pin down… Like a shark!" She realized, snapping her fingers.

"How do you suplex a fucking shark?" I ponder aloud. "Like the size issue aside, those fuckers got rows of teeth."

"I think more people die from coconuts falling from trees a year than sharks. Those are the real threat." Jill stated, cleaning a glass.

"Yes, but you can easily MMA a coconut. Sharks on the other hand?" I think about it some more. "Then again, it'd die if it wasn't underwater."

"I never considered that." Jill replied. "What about if the arena was underwater to give it the best chance against you?"

Our philosophical discussion about pinning down aquatic lifeforms was interrupted by the door being kicked in by Big Neptune, who had a body bag slung over her shoulder. "Hey guys! Guess who I found on my day off?"

"Adolf Hitler's twin brother who likes Jews?" I ask rhetorically.

"Lan Cable of HA-V3N fame? I haven't talked to him in a while, actually." Jill looked despondent as Neptune flung the body onto the counter.

"Nope! But overly edgy as usual, Koei! Just what I'd expect from…" She unwrapped the body bag to reveal a suspiciously similar young man. "Hclegend himself!"

I took a moment to process this as he got up and hopped off the counter wordlessly. "Huh. So that's how you suplex a shark." I remarked, my question answered.

"Well, Saints Row 4 already did "Punch the Shark" for the grand finale." Hclegend admitted, rubbing his head nervously, his union jack clad shirt lifting slightly. "So I had to improvise with the title."

Blinking, I reached for Peace and pointed it to his head. "So you're the bastard behind all of this!" I waved my free hand around to indicate the general area.

Understandably he put his hands up in a defensive manner. "Hey, watch where you point that thing. It's my ass on the line this time!"

"Then sit down. Chat a while. Big Nep, lock the door." I gestured to a chair as Big Neptune did just that.

"Hey! I could be getting other customers tonight!" Jill yelled as Big Neptune returned from her talk.

"You won't." Hclegend said with a sigh. "This place served as a great framing device and a way for characters to spend time privately while not being cooped up in the Basilicom all the time."

Jill shrugged. "Fair point. Want a Beer?"

"Gladly." He nodded, turning to me, his glasses reflecting the neon lighting. "So, what do you want? I was writing Azur Lane shipfiction before I got kidnapped by Big Tiddy Onee-San over there." He pointed to Neptune who responded with a wave.

"... Is that a fucking pun." I groaned, not believing the shit I was hearing.

"Puns are the lowest form of comedy aside from meta humor. So of course it is." He confirmed. "Though A Bitter Rivalry isn't far off of that if I play my cards right…"

I responded with a slap. "Hey! No shilling your other trash while you're in the actual story!"

He rubbed his cheek. "Alright, fine. This is a bit of a self-congratulatory thing anyway."

I rolled my eyes in response. "Oh geez, I didn't even notice. Thanks Captain Obvious!" I sacaristically retort. "Why the fuck did you even write this? Not just this Jump the Shark bullshit, but the story in general."

"I was bored." Hclegend shrugged. "What, you think I wrote this because I thought I'd change the world or something?"

"Change the world for the worse, yeah."

"Hey! It wasn't that bad… right?"

"You killed me off within 100 words."I deadpan stared, holding up my pinky finger. "You shipped me with IF within 10 chapters." Ring finger now. "You literally had me and the rest of the main cast go on a drug trip." There's the middle. "The shit you pulled with Big Neptune being from an alternate timeline and having disappeared in the original one." There's the index. "That ending, both parts of it." My thumb. "The fact you continued this story despite it clearly ending off on a high note." My right thumb now. "The constant overuse of meta humor." My right index finger joins the party. "Hell, the constant overuse of "running gags" like "I BLAME THAT ON THE CONCUSSION", like what, you're getting that trending on Twitter or something?" Right middle finger coming up to bat. "And do not get me started on that fucking dream sequence in I F F Y." I lowered all my fingers to give a two bird salute. "In short, this story sucks and so do you."

"For the record I don't suck, I swallow." Was all that Hclegend said as he continued to drink.

"See, that's what I mean? That's not even funny!"

"Well, it is a little bit." Jill said, cleaning out a glass. "Though I'll admit you making this a technical crossover with VA11-HALL-A and Azur Lane was probably a tad far."

"A tad? You could argue he jumped the shark at that point! Or any of the points I just mentioned?"

Hclegend took another drink before responding. "You know what, you do have a point." He looked me dead in the eye. "But I don't care. Because you know what? I had fun writing this."

I blinked. "Huh. Guess that's fair enough then… Wait, did you just make me agree with you?"

He smiled before finishing off the drink. "Now why would I do that? I'm not even at my writing desk."

I sighed. "Son of a bitch. I guess it's a Neptunia fanfiction after all, even if you argurably went a little too balls to the wall."

Hclegend pulled a £5 note out of his pocket. "One Pile Driver, if you don't mind." He turned back to me. "Eh, isn't that the point of fanfiction? I'm doing things that in canon would never happen. Sure, UniGear is a bit overplayed, but that's why I put it to the side in favour for a more interesting pairing: VerBlanc… Oh and KoeIffy too I guess."

"Kinda sad that you ship yourself with a fictional character, dude." I remarked, taking a drink of Beer as I did so. "I mean we already know you're a no-life virgin if you're writing Neptunia fanfiction but jeez."

Hclegend rolled his eyes. "Sad as it may be, admit it. It was the best part of this trainwreck." He took his first drink of Pile Driver as he did so. "Christ alive, that's shit. Anyway, I didn't even intend on shipping them at first. It just so happened that IF was an integral character early on when Koei- sorry, you barely knew anyone. I even replied to a comment in an Author's Note saying that I wouldn't be shipping you." He clarified. "Seriously! I was going to do UniGear when they were introduced later on, maybe VerBlanc if I was feeling brave, but the thought didn't cross my mind until I realized how much she was in the earlier chapters and how smoothly the snark between the two of you flowed."

I shrugged. "I guess that works. Speaking of, what was that shit about Artifacts you dumped halfway through the story?"

"Oh that!" Hclegend laughed. "Oh Goddesses, you should know that 75% of this fic is just me fucking winging it as I write. Hell, after like Chapter 10 I had no written notes! I had a few ideas floating around, such as you and IF having that climactic duel in I F F Y and Uzume being redeemed, but the details were written right then and there and I think having that freedom to work with helped quite a bit in hindsight."

"I'd argue it also left quite a few plotholes." I sighed. "For instance, dropping the fact that the story was being told as a flashback 28 fucking chapters in. That twist was dumb!"

"You said that in Old Friends, New Family." Hclegend pointed out. "Fuck, that chapter's not even out yet."

I stared him in the face. "You're writing this because you already wrote the finale and have nothing better to do?"

He shrugged. "Caught me red handed. Plus, Dante's Night At Freddy's 2 kinda did the same thing and that shit was hilarious!"

I slammed my hands on the table. "REALLY? A fucking FNaF fanfiction?"

Hclegend crossed his arms. "You had no problem with the deliberate MLP shoutout in Turning Up The Bass, you know."

I sat down with a sigh. "I think that too was entirely unnecessary and stupid. But hey, I guess it's your phone… Fucking Brony trash."

Hclegend pointed an accusing finger at me. "Hey! That's fucking former Brony trash to you! I'm more weeb trash now, anyway."

I gave him a look. "No. Really. The fact you wrote a 200k word Neptunia fanfiction, have a Karen Kujo profile picture and are writing a fucking shipgirl shipfic didn't tip that off? You're as subtle as a sledgehammer to the balls."

Hclegend waved his hand in a dismissive manner. "Some people like jokes with 10 layers of subtext. I like going straight for it. It's all subjective, man."

"God I'm surprised you didn't get me stoned at some point." I rolled my eyes. "I mean we both look like total stoners anyway."

Hclegend stroked his goatee. "Well, I suppose Koei Der Toten did establish that. But really, didn't have the time. That was what, 3 chapters before the final arc?"

"Ran out of ideas, mister author?" I snarked. "Christ, we both know you ran out of ideas before the Ultradimension arc! That's why that arc even exists!"

Hclegend avoided my gaze as he looked away. "Yeah… That was a bit filler-ey. That and I could have done more with the Ultradimension CPUs." He snapped his fingers and pointed them at me. "But that's what Taming the Sadie is for!"

I pulled Peace out again as he simply shrugged. "What? Jealous you're not getting the limelight? You know there's some ideas I'm saving for the sequel, too."

I put my head in my hands as I heard the bad news. "Oh god he's writing a sequel."

"Well, not yet. I've been writing this for the best part of a fucking year. Last thing I need is more of your shit." He clarified, though I couldn't tell if he made any gestures due to my head being in my hands. "You remind me of Asshole Kirito." He pondered aloud, rather randomly.

"And yet the way you wrote me is more like canon Kirito. Dual swords in the finale? Really? And one was made from the faith of my friends?"

"Your heart, technically." He corrected. "Hey, at least you didn't keep it past the finale. Would have been awkward trying to justify you going down to one again."

"Oh yes, your real body wasn't at risk bullshit." I sigh. "Just admit you were playing Saints Row 4 at the time and jacked the idea from that."

"That and the Aerosmith song." He took a drink while pointing at me. "Oh and the dubstep cannon. Not Overkill, though. That's just a killer tune."

I massaged my temples. "You pull from the dumbest shit. Like not even classics, just whatever you like."

"That's a bad thing? Hell, I inspired that one guy to write a Neptunia/VA11-HALL A fic! He even gave me his blessing to use HA-V3N and Lan Cable!"

I blinked. "You did? Shit the bed, this fic is actually worth something."

"Was." Hclegend corrected. "We've completely jumped the shark now. Suplexed it even." He winked at nobody in particular.

"And with that, my tolerance for you has gone to zero." I pulled out Peace and shot the bastard in the head, instantly killing him instantly and the bullet embedding itself in the nearby wall as inside the skull was no brain.

"Even in death, he mocks himself." I sighed and got back to my drink. If he's dead, then I can finally be at peace.

"You know, if you killed the author, that means that this will never be published, right?" Big Neptune started to pack the body back into the bag. "So technically you've just doomed yourself to an eternal hiatus."

"Like Glimmer In The Mirror, then?" Starlight Glimmer stepped in from nowhere and grabbed the former author's drink. "Oh and Glimmer Fortress, which had a chapter pretty similar to this before its cancellation."

I rolled my eyes at the unnecessary cameo. "Which one are you, then?"

"The former. Latter had a sweet robot arm after it got ripped off by GL1MM3R… Yes folks, this is all real." She sighed as she took a drink. "I think the archive is on FiMFetch if you want to read that 1000 word chapter, forced crossover bullshit."

I blinked. "You serious?"

Starlight shook her head. "Goddesses yes. Team Fortress 2 and My Little Pony in a tonal clash that makes Azur Lane and Neptunia look fluid in comparison… Boats, fluid. Ha."

"Maybe it's for the best that he started to write himself. Stops bastardising a character like you anyway." I said, resigning myself to my fate.

"Oh please, you haven't even seen the amount of communism jokes he's made about me on Discord." She rolled her eyes. "That and I was booked to be in the fic as a cameo during I F F Y but I guess that fell through." She tanked the rest of the drink. "Shame too, sounded cool. Get JRPG esque powers when I'm used to a Y-7 show."

"How's life after FiM, anyway?" I ask the former dictator/time traveller, to which she tossed her hair.

"Rough." Starlight motioned for Jill to make her another drink. "You know Trixie and I didn't even get together canonically, but Bon Bon and Lyra did? Fuck, they got canonically married in the finale! I don't even get anything but ship teases!"

She slammed her fist onto the counter. "Two fucking background ponies get married canonically, but me and Trixie, having on-screen chemestry? Oh fuck us, appeal to the fuckers who only gave a damn to their "relationship" in 2011! Don't even the closest thing to an actual couple a chance… Except for almost-canon AppleDash of course." She ranted, somewhat bitterly.

"Them's the breaks when you're the Dark Horse of your show… Uh, is that racist?" Jill realized her fuckup.

Starlight stared at Jill. "Do I look like a talking unicorn to you? Reminder that I have a canon human form and that's what's being used for this appearance."

"Equestria Girls was just discount magical girl anime." I state, taking a drink. "Sunset Shimmer was cool though."

"Course you'd say that. She's basically me without the communism… By Celestia's asscheeks Hclegend, make that joke again and I'll personally stab you with my fucking horn!" Starlight yelled at nobody in particular.

"Hard to do that when he's dead." I state a fact.

"Nah, he's not dead. Otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation." Starlight shook her head. "Nobody else would be stupid enough to continue this."

"Fair point… Where did Neptune go, anyway?" I ponder.

"Setting up his suicide note. His poor mother's going to freak, but hopefully this chapter will never see publication so it can't be used against us in court." Neptune walked back through the locked door. "Oh I totally didn't lock it. How am I meant to lock a door without a fucking key, anyway?"

I raise my finger to object, but for the first time in this chapter, somebody had a reasonable point… And it was Neptune.

"Truly we have jumped the shark." I sigh. "Neptune is the sanest of the bunch, a My Little Pony character is getting hammered as we speak and I'm pretty sure we've lost our entire readership!"

"Aside from Hclegend himself, obviously." Starlight remarked. "Motherfucker always had an ego."

"Course he has an ego. He's writing a meta chapter of a self insert Neptunia isekai as we speak, probably drinking and thinking to himself "THIS IS FUNNY"... Fucking twat." I snark, to which I got a golden cane with a unicorn on it to the face.

"HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT GOD!... Where did that come from." Starlight shook her head, before looking at the fancy stick. "Why do I have the Twicane? That's a dead meme from a dead show."

The sheer absurdity of this retardation was getting to me. "I know this is a "Humor" fic, but this is devolving into straight up parody. Not a good parody like Airplane, but "ha ha funny reference" like Vampires Suck or Meet the Spartans."

Jill tilted her head in confusion. "Nope. Never heard of those last two."

"Exactly." I take a drink. "We'll be lucky if this gets on TvTropes at this point." I took a moment to take another. "As if that matters. Just another ego booster."

"Well, it is a pretty clear example of in-universe Jumping the Shark." Jill pointed out, having grabbed a bottle of vodka and drank half of it. "Hence me getting wasted on vodka. If we're lucky, this will be cancelled before I lose my license to serve alcohol."

"Big if." I sigh. "Got any Coke for that vodka? I'm in high spirits, so to speak." I deadpan, rolling my eyes at the upteempth pun I've used this chapter. Becoming self-aware was the worst mistake of my life.

"Hoo boy, we talkin' self-aware?" A redhead with a ponytail walked into the bar, clearly underage to be at such a place but her emerald eyes shone with experience. "Hey, I'm Monika. Made that cameo in I F F Y, became self-aware that one time, destroyed the universe."

"And clearly underage, but fuck it. Want a Sugar Rush?" Jill offered, to which the redhead nodded.

"I don't drink alcohol anyway. Being a fictional character means that we're all technically ageless, thus alcohol laws don't apply to us, but it's just easier to pretend to be a high-school age student than to explain the metaphysical concept of "The Fourth Wall" every time I try to buy some goddamn alcohol." Monika sighed.

"Amen sister!" Starlight piped up, taking a shot of vodka as she did so.

"I mean it's fine. I served a loli robot all the time back home." Jill remarked, cleaning out Starlight's shot glass as she did so. "But Lilim and a clearly human teenage girl are two different things to explain to the authorities."

"Was that the one who was a sex worker?" I ask, taking the chance to finish off my whateverth beer of the evening. "Pile Driver."

"I mean we all know that's the case, but we're just questioning it for anyone who hasn't played VA11-HALL A… Which is apparently a lot of people." Jill answered rather vaguely yet correctly.

"When you think about it, our entire existence is a series of coincidences. The author found Neptunia on a whim, VA11-HALL A was discovered on an anime meme Discord and in terms of popularity, I'm probably the closest thing to a relevant character here." Monika remarked thoughtfully. "I'm technically supposed to be dead, but I think the author kept my character file on his PC… Not that the coward played past Sayori-"

"I think people know about that." I interrupted. "Don't bring up things like that, it scarred people. Same reason we never mentioned Gehaburn more than like… Once."

"Yeah… Anyway, I was going through his files and found a lot of weird shit. Wanna see?" Monika pulled out a literal file from her "Pocket" and placed it on the counter for everyone to see.

"Of course he had a folder dedicated to pictures of me." Starlight sighed, taking the half-empty bottle of vodka for herself and drinking straight from it. "When he has a passion for something, he goes way too damn far. Like he could have put this amount of work into something actually half decent, rather than making fun for himself for… 3460 words so far."

I mean we're all just sitting here drinking and talking, she had a point. "Then again, aren't the chapters where characters just exchange banter generally regarded as the best, due to the author having watched way too many episodes of… Insert Fucking Comedy Here?"

Monika shrugged. "There's a reason it was marked as Humor before Adventure. Even leaving aside the fact that Neptunia fanfics tend to follow the tone of the games, this one goes a step above the usual tones, excluding outliers like this chapter." Monika logically pointed out. "And not to defend the author, but this does have a decent fanbase for a first fanfic."

"First." Starlight sarcastically repeated with a dramatic eye roll and another drink of vodka. "His technical first fanfic was a Christmas Carol parody that is half the length of this chapter so far, written in one night with no proofreading and on a fucking Wii U."

"A what." Monika tilted her head. "Never heard of one."

"EXACTLY!" Starlight slammed her hands on the table. "And the best part is that he didn't even get the holiday right, because he was still watching the show for the first time. It's Hearthswarming you FUCKING HACK!"

"Jeez, that's some self-hatred… When was that released, December 2014?"

"I wasn't even canon back then… You know, it's kinda weird that my reformation and Undertale came out within like… A month of each other."

"And Megadimension Neptunia VII, which featured a very similar concept." Monika remakred, finishing off her drink. "Course he wouldn't find that out for another three years. He wasted his early adulthood on ponies…"

"Fuck you too." Starlight had her head on the bar, but still flipped Monika the bird. "Neptunia ain't exactly high art if you haven't noticed."

"Meanwhile I've just realized this is a four way crossover between a niche RPG series, a visual novel, a psychological horror disguised as a visual novel and a children's cartoon show." Jill remarked thoughtfully as she took out a bottle of rum and started to drink straight from that. "Next will be a harem anime."

"Kotori's underage." Monika retorted. "I know the visual novels published by Idea Factory age her and other "loli" characters to be "over 18" but come on… She's like 14. I'm on the borderline because I'm in high school and having Medium Awareness, but Idea Factory are just taking the piss if she's 18."

"This reminds me of Sankaku Renai. Pretty self-aware about itself, breaking the fourth wall all the time, constantly referencing tropes and shit. It's the Neptunia of VNs." I murmur to myself, taking a drink.

"Next thing you know that Cicini girl from Rabi-Ribi will be kicking down the door, demanding revenge from that Brick Joke from Koei Der Toten." Monika sighed. "3… 2… 1…"

But nothing happened, as the joke had been ruined. Good work.

"Rabi-Ribi is pretty good from what I hear." Jill remarked. "Once you get past none of the characters wearing pants, it's a solid metroidvania with a neat gimmick in the bullet hell gameplay. Killer OST too. It's a shame that the almost parody nature of its aesthetic will turn a lot of people off. Mostly because again, nobody wears pants."

"Just like Neptunia." I compared the two internally, before realizing that we were originally talking about the fact that this was a dumb crossover. "Well, I think I've had enough to drink. I'm talking to a self-aware visual novel character, a My Little Pony character and my bartender, someone who has been in this story since The Obligatory Drinking Chapter and yet this still isn't a crossover… somehow." I got up from my chair. "Now excuse me, I'm going to my vaguely described apartment to bang my girlfriend, the anime incarnation of the game's publisher."

"Stay safe." Jill said with some legitimate concern.

I blew her off. "Oh don't worry. Maybe I'll use my battlecruiser waifu to drive me home instead of walking." I sarcastically remark as I headed towards the door. "Why not! We've already referenced that gacha garbage before in this trainwreck! Even had Hood make a cameo along with Monika over there! Clearly this hasn't gone far enough yet!"

Jill sighed. "Yeah… But hey, this is clearly non-canon and just written for fun."

I shook my head. "Better fucking be. Or I won't sign up for that sequel."

I proceeded to leave Celestia, head home and fuck IF silly.

Game Over

A/N: Well, hope you enjoyed this trash fire. If you didn't already realize, this isn't canon. Unlike Koei Der Toten, I am NOT going back on this. Ever. This is too stupid, even for me.