Before you know it, spring turns to summer and you're wishing your students well as they leave your classroom for the last time. You've spent weeks getting things ready for the girls, and you're excited that they'll be coming tomorrow on the train. You're even more excited that your mother has decided to bring them out and spend a night in your house. Though you can't tell her everything, you want more than anything to know the world that you left the city for, you want her to love it, you want her to understand why you feel such a deep urge to stay there in your cozy little home with Brittany on the ocean.
Summer, of course, mean that Brittany is back on the water and after her injury over the winter, you know that means more to her than ever before. The morning your mother and the girls are set to come, you wake when she does and spend some more time cleaning the house, making sure it's just right. Because there are only three bedrooms in the house and your mother should have a space with privacy, you don't have to pretend to sleep in the bedroom down the hall. She'd told you many times that she didn't want to impose, that she wanted you to have your space, but you assured her that it would be okay for you to sleep in with Brittany, something you were glad for.
You bring the linens in that you'd hung out on the line and each of the freshly made bedrooms smell like sunshine and ocean air and you smile at yourself as you set flowers beside the bed that your mother will sleep in. Everything looks satisfactory to you and you bathe contentedly, dressing in one of your nicer dresses to be ready to pick them up when Brittany comes home.
"Hello, love." You smile when she walks in the door and you can see the aches in her muscles almost wither away at the sight of you. You're blessed, you know that, to have such great love in your life and every day, you pray that she'll always feel the same way about you.
"Are ya excited?" She asks, sliding off her shoes and shaking out her sea-damp hair.
"Very. After you bathe, it'll be time to head there."
"Mr. Brewster knows we're comin' for the car. It'll be snug, but easier than walking with all their things."
"Thank you for this, Brittany. Thank you for all of it."
"I love ya, I love your family, this is a treat for me too."
When she emerges from the bedroom bathed and freshly dressed, you walk hand in hand down the beach until you're close enough for others to see. With summer upon you, things are bustling at the ferry dock and you sigh a little, seeing outsiders come to your island. Of course, you once were one too, but it feels like a lifetime ago when you first stepped off the ferry. Now, this island is an oasis for you, a safe haven where you can love Brittany without fear of repercussion, and you worry as the visitors come, taking over, bit by bit.
Once you cross the water and take Mr. Brewster's car to the station, you feel a thrill when you hear the train whistle. Your mother is coming and you long to embrace her. Your sisters are coming and you long to tousle their hair and spend the summer showing them all the things they've never seen. Sure, they've been to the island before, but now you'll have them for several months, there is so much more for them to do. You look over at Brittany and you smile, so eternally grateful that she agreed to this, grateful that you have in her such a wonderful partner.
"Santana!" Mariana calls out when she steps off the train, wearing a little hat and shoes that you know might be a pinch too tight. She's growing so quickly, you're sure it's a struggle for your mother to keep up with her clothes and shoes, but you'll rectify that as best as you can while you have her.
"We're here!" Carlotta announces, running into your arms and forgetting for a moment that she's a big girl, something that makes you smile as you never want her innocent to go away.
"Hello, my loves." You beam down at them and then step into your mother's embrace. "Mama, I'm so glad you could come."
"Mija, I should have come sooner to see this place where you live. I'm quite excited."
Brittany begins gathering up bags and you move to help her, knowing that your mother must be tired from a day of work followed by a long train journey. The girls help too, each picking up their small bits of belongings and you give your mother the front seat of the car before you squeeze into the back with Mariana on your lap. You had already bought tickets for the ferry and though your mother gives you the kind of look that says you should have let her do that on her own, you merely smile and hand them over before you embark.
For the whole ride, the girls chatter to your mother about everything they know of the island. It brings you such great joy that the place you love is so special to them and you see a certain sparkle in your mother's eyes, an affirmation that she made the right decision to send them away. The ferry jostles when it docks and your mother squeezes your hand, perhaps a bit seasick from the trip. You only let go once it's safe to disembark and then you're gathering things up again.
"Such a place." Your mother looks wide eyed as you step into the busy marina and she observes the boats in their slips. "Brittany, is one of these yours."
"She's right there." Brittany proudly points to the Alcott. "I promised the gals I'd take 'em out on it this summer."
"Are you certain that's safe…"
"Yes ma'am." She nods. "Don't ya worry, I'll keep all your gals real safe."
As you walk along the beach, the girls gather shells and show each one to your mother, she marvels at the beauty of it all and it makes you so unbelievably happy you want to cry. She's here, she's seeing where you live and though she was the one who sent you to begin with, knowing that she's taking it all in means the world to you. She's your mother, after all, and you just want her to see how much joy a place like this can bring.
Because Brittany knows how much the girls have grown to love clamming, she didn't want to dig them up until they got there. The take off their stockings and change into their play dresses and Brittany grins as she takes them out the back door to go toward the bay. You see how she pauses for a moment, almost forgetting that she can't kiss you and your cheeks warm, thinking how much you wish that you could.
Once Brittany and the girls are gone, all boisterous energy ready to be put to good use, it's just you and your mother sitting outside on the porch. She seems content in a way you've never seen and you wonder if the sea air is as good for her as it is for you. She closes her eyes for a moment, seeming to breathe in the salt and sunset and then she opens them and looks at you.
"Brittany, she cares very much for you."
"We're very good friends." You nod, swallowing the lump that forms in your throat.
"I can see how she looks at you, how you look at her."
"Mama…"
"It's alright, mi querida. I don't understand it, but I know it is."
"Papa…"
"Knows none of it. I love him deeply, but he isn't an understanding man. He'd wish for you to keep it quiet."
"It's something we must." Your breathing is heavy and your chest hurts, fearing that your mother will leave and take the girls with her.
"Yes, you must. I…feel it's safer knowing that you're out here, where no one can see you."
"I'm sorry, Mama. I'm so sorry."
"Mija, you cannot be sorry for how God made you."
"But I know you and Papa were hoping for me to marry, to come back to the city and start a family. I…can't do those things."
"I know, but are you happy, Santana?"
"I'm so happy, I just…don't want you to be ashamed of me."
"I will not be ashamed, but I won't speak of it either, for your sake. Does anyone else know?"
"Brittany's father knew, we have some friends who have learned, friends who protect our secret. But to most, we are just very dear friends."
"I'm sorry it must be this way, mija."
"I was afraid to tell you." You sigh, feeling as if a great weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. "I was so afraid."
"I'm your mother, Santana, I gave birth to you and watched you grow, watched you be a wonderful girl who helped care for her family and a wonderful woman who does the same. How you love does not change how I see you, it never could."
"Oh, Mama." You stand and throw your arms around her, overcome by emotion. "Thank you."
You sit quietly with your mother after your heart to heart conversation and though you long to ask about your father, how is health is, you choose not to bring it up. You know that it's not something she'll talk about, so concerned about protecting such a private man from your worries. Taking the girls is the most they'll let you do and you begin to worry what they'll say if you send them back with things for school like you had planned. But you know that your mother isn't bringing in much income, you know that still, your father being too ill to work means less for the little girls you love so much. You can see that their shoes are a little too tight, their dresses a little too short and you long to do all you can to make sure they have the best in life.
Brittany and the girls come back in a flurry of excitement, Brittany carrying the bucket with the clams and Mariana holding one in each of her hands, grinning from each to ear. You know that it will be a beautiful summer with them, you know that even more than just taking them so your mother can work, you're giving them the freedom to be in the fresh air. You remember how stifling the city was, how your stockings would cling to your legs and your hair would curl and frizzle in the summer heat and how, before you got too old to do so properly, you'd dip your toes in the park fountains, longing to be cooled down. But here, here they have the wide ocean, the fresh sea breeze, the air, so sweet sometimes you can hardly stand it. Here they can run and play and forget shoes and stockings and be as free as little children should be.
"Santana!" Mariana cries out, her little laugh infectious. "Brittany got forty-seven and I got four and Concetta got nine and Carlotta got seventeen!"
"They sure are professionals already." Brittany smiles. "By the end of the summer, they'll all be beating me out."
"Mama, Brittany will show you how she cooks them." Carlotta takes your mother's hand, the one who was always most likely to cling to her side and though she's older now, you worry a bit for how she'll fare away from her for the duration of the summer. "They're wonderful."
While Brittany lights the charcoal grill, you take the clams inside and you scrub them clean in the sink. You think back to the first time you ate them straight out of the day and full of sand. The day was so magical, being there with Brittany in the very beginning, that it didn't bother you, but after that, she showed you how to scrub them in the sink in your little apartment over the restaurant. That summer was magical, so magical that you find yourself thinking about it often, remembering what it was like to first fall in love. You love how things are so much more now, being settled in your home, sleeping beside Brittany every night, but when you didn't think you'd ever find love and then suddenly, your greatest one appeared, there is a fondness looking back on it.
You all gather around the table outside and you enjoy your dinner. You're still buzzing a bit, thinking how strange it is for your mother to know of your secret love, but you're so eternally grateful that she hasn't shunned you. Later that night, you'll be glad to close the door and tell Brittany all about it, but as you sit around the dinner table, nearly everyone you love most of all in close proximity, you feel your cheeks burn with happiness, your eyes fill with tears. Brittany notices, and she taps your ankle with her foot beneath the table. It's a small gesture, but it means a lot, and you smile at her in return, telling her silently that all is well, all is good.
After dinner, your mother and the girls are exhausted, so you help the girls to bathe and put them to bed while your mother takes her turn. Brittany sits at the edge of Concetta's bed, watching as you read stories to them, smiling as you turn the page, and you tuck each of them in and kiss them goodnight. Once your mother's door is closed, you go downstairs with Brittany and she opens the front door. The ocean is soft and calm and you step out, walking slowly down the stairs as you beckon Brittany to follow you. It's a lovely night to sit out on the sand and she takes the blanket you keep at the top of the stairs and spreads it out by the water.
"Were ya okay at dinner?" She asks, gently resting her hand over yours once you settle down with your bare feet in the sand.
"More than okay." You nod. "My mother, she knows."
"Knows…"
"She could see it in our eyes, how deeply we love each other. I've always said that I wouldn't lie, if the time came. I don't think she quite understands, but she accepts it. I believe she knows what it is to love. My father is a stoic man, but I believe she loves him deeply. They don't say it, at least not in front of us, but they show each other with acts of service. She warms his slippers by the stove, he would bring things home for her that he thought she would like. She knows what it is to be in love and she can't begrudge that I feel a love too."
"I'm very glad for that. I know it worried ya, thinking your Mama might not like it. And your Pop?"
"She won't say a word to him, he wouldn't understand. I wouldn't expect him to. What we have is…odd."
"The best kind of odd, don't ya think?" She gives you a crooked smile and you laugh. "It felt real nice, having a family here tonight."
"Do you get lonely, Brittany?"
"I used to, ya know. I think I've spent my whole life lonely until I met ya. Ya grew up in a house full of girls, I grew up with just my brother and Pop, who were both so quiet all the time. I guess I was missin' ya before I ever even met ya, thinkin' of how ya'd fill up my home with happiness."
"Brittany…"
"I imagine it sometimes, if I was still living in Pop's house and he was gone, it would just be a whole house full of nothingness for me and Lord Tubbington. Now, I come home and I see your shoes sittin' by the door, or your coat hung on the hook and it reminds me that I'll never be alone again. And ya bring along with ya this wonderful family that's so full'a joy that I can hardly hold in my laughter sometimes. Ya come from somethin' real special."
"You're such a romantic tonight." You rest your head on her shoulder, loving the cradle it makes for your head. "I'm glad we have a little quiet time to ourselves tonight."
"I'll be pretty rare, won't it?"
"I know Mariana won't go down to bed sometimes and she might end up in with us. I hope that's alright with you."
"I've told ya, sweetheart, whatever makes them comfortable is alright with me. I just want them to have a safe place to be. It's real important to me."
"You're so special." You tell her softly, because you mean it with everything in you. She's more than you ever could have imagined, more than you ever could have wished for. "And I love you more every day."
"We've spent a lot of days together now."
"The best days of my life."
After you sit on the beach for a while, you go upstairs. She bathes first, then you do, meeting her in the bedroom where she has the bed turned down. You realize that you feel a bit more self-conscious climbing into bed with her, now that your mother knows who she is to you, know that she's more than just a friend who is sharing a bed with you to make space for company, but you don't let it get to your head. You won't be intimate with her, of course you wouldn't, not with your mother just across the hall, so it's alright to sleep beside Brittany, it's alright to feel her arms around you.
In the morning, you wake to find the bed empty. It's later than you'd thought it would be and though Brittany isn't going out on the Alcott today, she's never one to stay in bed late. Quickly, you get up and get ready for the day, walking down the stairs to see Brittany and your mother side by side at the kitchen counter. Brittany had gotten down the new crayons you'd bought for the girls and the three of them sit at the table, coloring on scrap paper you'd left at your desk. You smile at the sight and Mariana jumps up to wrap her arms around you. You lift your youngest sister into your arms and you kiss the top of her head. Perhaps she's getting too big to be babied the way you do to her, but she's your sweet little thing and you simply can't help it.
"G'morning, sleepy head." Brittany turns with a spatula in her hand and your cheeks flush.
"I'm sorry, you could have woken me."
"It's alright, mija, Brittany and I are making breakfast, she tells me it's you who normally cooks so we thought you could use a bit of a rest."
"Thank you, Mama. Thank you, Brittany." You take the coffee off the stove and pour your cup, finding a place among the little girls at the table.
"Santana, Brittany said we could swim in the ocean today." Concetta informs you, grinning in a way you've never seen her grin.
"We'll have to take Mama back to the train station, but after that, I think that's a wonderful idea. Mama, are you sure you can't stay longer."
"I need to get back." She shakes her head slowly and you can see in her eyes that she loves the place you've come to call home, she loves the bliss and solitude it offers. "Perhaps when I come to get the girls, I can stay a day or so more."
"Mama." Carlotta looks over at her, placing her yellow crayon down. "Will you be here to visit at all?"
"Love, I won't be able to this summer. But like I promised, once a week, you'll call me with Santana."
"Okay." She nods slowly and looks down, trying to conceal the tears that form in her eyes, tears you should probably tell her she's too big to be crying, though you can't make yourself, you never could. "Okay."
You're certain that Carlotta will probably need a little extra care after you take your mother to the train station, but for the time being, you just give her hand a small squeeze. The girls clean up their crayons when your mother tells them breakfast is ready and you savor the goodness of your mother's cooking. When you're through, you insist on doing the dishes and once they're finished, you begin the trip back to the train station.
Carlotta tries not to cry on the platform as she waves goodbye to your mother, knowing it will be months before she sees her again, and you watch as Brittany gently places a hand on her shoulder. Looking up at her, Carlotta shakes away the tears from her eyes and you know she's trying to hard to focus on all the fun she'll have staying with the two of you for the summer. Once you're back on the island, she seems to cheer up a bit and the girls run down the beach as you stay a bit behind with Brittany. You love to watch them with her, love to feel, just for a moment, what it would feel like if the two of you could have children of your own. She's so good with them, you long for it, but you both know it cannot be, so you savor the time you have with your little sisters.
"We'll have a lot to do, teachin' them to swim." Brittany tilts her head to the side. "But they were so eager last time."
"And they're so much bigger now. I worry a bit though, about the ferocity of the ocean."
"It'll do to keep them close to the shore, at least until they find their sea legs."
"I thought sea legs is what you find aboard a boat."
"I think sea legs is fine for swimming too, either way, we'll get a chance to take them out on Davey's dingy this summer, if not the Alcott."
"I worry about them aboard so big a boat." You purse your lips. "But I trust you with my life and theirs."
"Ya know I'd do anything to keep ya all safe. We'll make it work, I know they've been waitin' for it."
"I'm worried a bit about Carlotta, we'll have to keep her busy, lest she miss my mother too much. It was different when they just came for a few days, it's breaking her heart to know she won't see her for so long. I wish she could have stayed with us, escaped all that pains her in the city. But I know we have them so she can work, so they have money to put food on the table and clothes on their backs." You sigh, reaching for Brittany's hand once you're far enough down the beach that you can. "If only…"
"I know, sweetheart, but your Pop won't take it from ya. Ya gotta do the best ya can for 'em."
The girls change for swimming when you get back to the house and you take your time doing so. Though you've spent several summers on your magical island, you don't love swimming nearly as much as you love sitting on the beach and watching the ocean. As much as Brittany loves it and could take long strokes back and forth all day, you find yourself chilled and sticky every time you go in the water with her. But you bear it, you want to share in the love with her and you remember how your mother once told you that you have to keep trying until you get to where you want to be. So, once you're dressed, you go downstairs and see Brittany and the girls through the window, running together on the beach. Mariana just about runs straight to the water, but Brittany catches her before she can charge forward, scooping her up into her arms and laughing.
"Santana! Santana!" Concetta calls you and you open the door, stepping out into the sunshine.
"I'm here, loves." You walk down onto the sand and hold Carlotta's hand. "We all must stay in the shallow water and allow Brittany to take you one at a time to swim. By the end of the summer, things will change, but until you all can swim, it's not safe."
"But—" Mariana starts and you shake your head. "I'm big."
"Big or not, swimming takes practice." Brittany grins. "Who wants to go first?"
Because Mariana is the smallest, the older girls let her go first and you watch as Brittany explains to her how to put her face in the water and kick her legs. It makes you nervous, so nervous, but you remember Brittany teaching you and you know that she's in good hands. You'd meant it when you'd said that you'd trust Brittany and you stay back and watch as each of them take their turns. They break only for lunch, cold chicken sandwiches, and then run back toward the water as you spread a blanket and watch them for the sand. Brittany never seems to tire, she puts everything she has into bringing them joy, and in those moments, you love her even more.
By dinner time, the girls are exhausted and Mariana can barely keep her eyes open. You help them with their baths and settle them into bed, spending just a bit more time with Carlotta to ensure she sleeps well without your mother nearby. But they're so tired, it hardly takes more than a few moments until they fall asleep and then it's you and Brittany, you and your greatest love, sitting on the widow's walk outside of your bedroom.
"Ya ever think there might be a baby that doesn't have a home?" She asks you, looking up at the stars.
"What do you mean?"
"I dunno, if Pop didn't want to keep me and Willie after Mama died, we'd've gone somewhere."
"That makes me sad to think of." You tell her, taking her hand.
"But what if there was a baby who needed a home? Would ya want us to take them in?"
"Brittany…"
"I'm just sayin'. It could be real nice to have a little one around here always."
"Sweetheart, I'm not sure that's possible." You feel your heart ache, knowing that you wish for the same thing.
"But if it happened?"
"If it happened, Brittany, I would be overjoyed."