as a reviewer has asked for more everqueen, I have decided to do the tts episode. I want to do actual tts episodes, but I don't have the scripts. nor do I have the time or the patience to transcribe them myself. so if anyone has the scripts and send a copy to me, I would be greatful.
also, I am working on the second chapter of the phoenix freed.
this was made by Ashynarr.
forum/threads/everqueen-warhammer-30k.475460/page-10#post-19603627
The tech priest found a tts for the everqueen files. The Emperor immediately ordered him to play it, as he knew they all needed a break from the grimdarkness of the other files.
Episode 1: Hitting Rock Bottom
Magnus noted, "Very accurate description."
[Scene: The Warp. The Aeldari Pantheon is standing around, most of them decked in battlegear. Nearby is a churning mass of hot pink madness making uncomfortably lewd noises.]
Vulkan felt conflicted, he hated the Eldar but he hated Chaos more.
Asuryan: Does everyone know the plan?
Khaine: Hit that disgusting thing until it knows it's place or dies!
Angron noted, "That guy seems like my kind of guy."
Vaul: And then figure out what to do with it.
Manus noted, "Just kill it."
Lileath: *under breath* This is the stupidest thing we've ever done, and that's saying something...
The Emperor nodded, for all his friendship with the Aeldari pantheon they could be pretty foolish.
Isha: I still think this could have been solved much earlier simply by lowering the ban on visiting the Aeldari and knocking sense into them.
Fulgrim was curious. This was Isha, the all loving mother goddess.
Asuryan: And give Khaine another chance to kill them all?
Isha: *under breath* Honestly at this point, I'd even take that…
Kurnous: *pats his wife on the shoulder* Don't worry, dear, this will probably get it all out of their system in one go.
Khaine: Where is that clown coward? He should have been here by now!
Morai-Heg: Yes, he is running late… I don't suppose you've seen him recently, Isha?
Isha: Well…
[Brief flashback to Cegorach nailing an 'out of order' sign to a webway entrance before waving at Isha and heading inside, closing and locking the door behind himself. Scene returns to present.]
The Enperor chuckled a bit at this.
Isha: I think there was something about the webway passages being out of order.
Asuryan: Again? Really, something's going to have to be done one of these millenia, it's getting ridiculous.
The Emperor said, "AND I AM DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT."
Lileath: Look out, it's spawning!
[An explosion of pink rolls past all of them, cackling laughter sounding across the Warp as the newest God is born.]
Slaanesh: HELLO, BOYS AND GIRLS! WHO'S READY FOR SOME
FUN
Asuryan: *rolls neck* It has a sense of timing, at least.
Lorgar noted, "There sense of the dramatic is pretty much the only redeeming quality of the Chaos Gods."
Vaul: I suppose there's no escaping this now...
Kurnous: This might be an interesting fight for once.
Isha: *sigh* I really think this could have been prevented entirely…
The Emperor noted, "YES IT COULD HAVE."
[As the other five head offscreen to attack Slaanesh, Isha gets tapped on the shoulder by Tzeentch.]
Isha: *turns to look and recoils briefly* What the- who are you?
Tzeentch: I thought you might need this. *hands over clear plastic umbrella, already opened*
Horus groaned at this, and the room prepared for something bad.
Isha: *hold it to the side* ...why in the world would I need this? The others are about to-
[The umbrella is abruptly splattered in guts and warp-viscera, both Isha and Tzeentch managing to remain clean because of the precise placement of the head of the umbrella.]
Angron felt the butcher nails bite in and Konrad looked disgusted.
Isha: I- what in the worlds-
[Looks over to see Slaanesh fighting with Khaine, wearing Kurnous' now overly glamoured armor and wielding Asuryan's sword with unnecessary flourish in between strikes. There's no sign of any of the other Warp gods besides scraps of their clothing or hair.]
Jagathai said, "That's just sad."
Isha: ...we should go.
[Turns back to Tzeentch, who's rolling over and over cackling at her and at the carnage, as well as the other two Chaos gods who just showed up to enjoy the show.]
Isha: ...I should go. I'm-
[Backs up into Nurgle, and pauses to look when she turns to see who it is.]
Isha: ...eep.
Corax whispered, "I don't think anyone would have a different response."
Nurgle: Why hello there, Miss Isha. Lovely day today, isn't it?
Isha: I, ah, well.
[Screen shift over to where Slaanesh and Khaine are still fighting, with Tzeentch playing with a few of the bodies while Khorne strides over.]
Slaanesh: Hey, you sac of pus, lay off of her, she's mine!
Nurgle: *from offscreen* As if she'd want to stay with a drug-addled brat like you, instead of a caring and thoughtful being like myself.
Mortarion scoffed.
Slaanesh: Oh yeah? Wanna say that to my face?
Khaine: Take this fight seriously, you whore!
Angron felt sympathy for Khanie.
Slaanesh: Maybe when you stop being so
bo-ring- (is interrupted by a swing of Khorne's sword) Hey, what's the big deal?!
Khorne: Khaine belongs to
me, not you.
Angron's respect for Khaine grew.
Slaanesh: Oh,
really?
Khaine: Enough of this. I belong to neither of you-
[Khaine is interrupted as Khorne seizes one arm and Slaanesh seizes the other, and they begin to use him for tug of war as Khaine screams in agony]
The screams of agony from the war god caused many in the room to flinch.
Slaanesh:
Let - go - you - bloodthirsty moron!
Khorne:
You let go, you stupid whore.
[Glowing red cracks begin to spread across Khaine's body as the tug of war continues, until Khaine explodes in a thousand thousand pieces, sending Slaanesh hurtling across the room]
Tzeentch: *holding up three signs with numbers on them* I give it a six for style, an eight for the explosion, and a nine for the sheer entertainment value.
The Emperor was slightly ashamed with the fact that he agreed with the indecisive mollusk.
[Slaanesh crashes to a halt besides Isha and Nurgle, looking moderately beat up from the explosion]
Slaanesh: Ohh, I'm feeling so faint… I think I need a medic…
[Isha steps away, only for Slaanesh to pop up and pull her in close, cupping one of her cheeks.]
Slaanesh: Won't you open your kind and gentle heart to this wounded soul, and take care of me? I'll let you go over
every inch to make sure I'm back to full strength for afterwards~
The disgust of every inhabitant in the room caused Slannesh to be damaged in the warp.
Nurgle: *slides in* You know, if you like, I can handle this one for you, miss Isha.
Slaanesh: *tsks* We're having a moment here, rotface, go away.
Isha: *struggling to escape Slaanesh's grip* You already killed the rest! Either kill me or let me go, but stop with this humiliation! You've won!
Slaanesh: *chuckles* But where would be the fun in just letting you go? Why, all those tears in you, all the building frustration… it's a delight to the senses, a banquet of pleasures, all for me to indulge in for the rest of time! Unless you want to play some other game with me instead~?
Isha: I- what- no, let me
go!
Slaanesh: The hunter and hunted? I like the way you think! I could even look like your dearly departed husband, to better fit the game! *makes themselves looks like Kurnous* Didn't you just love to play it with him all those aeons ago?
It hadn't seemed possible, but the room's hatred of Slannesh increased.
Isha: *stops and glares at Slaanesh* How dare you defile my husband's memory like that, you fetid whore.
Slaanesh: Not your hubby then? Maybe this one will make you more comfortable~ *shifts themselves to look like Lileath* I'm sorry mommy, I've been bad…
Honestly, it is better to not imagine what has happened to Slannesh's realm in response to this. Some things are better left unknown, and it might make you feel pity for She-Who-Thirsts.
[Isha goes completely still. Tzeentch, Nurgle and Khorne all back up a step and Slaanesh pokes Isha's face in sudden confusion.]
[Meanwhile, on the minor Eldar craftworld Ctho.]
Eldar 1: I can't believe it… so many worlds gone, so much history and effort lost... all because of those pleasure-obsessed fools...
Eldar 2: At least we saved most of the important relics of our world before it was too late. With any luck, we'll be able to rebuild the best parts within the walls of our craftworld and-
[A massive psychic scream pierces through the craftworld, causing the two to press their hands to their heads in pain before it cuts out as quickly as it came.]
Eldar 1: What in the gods' names was that?
Eldar 2: I have the strange feeling I recognize that voice, but where…?
[Back with Isha and the Chaos Gods, the former of whom is doing her best attempt to murder Slaanesh with the umbrella while Slaanesh offers moans of pleasure and encouragement.]
The Primarchs were cheering for Isha now.
Khorne: ...trade you for the sword guy.
Nurgle:
Excuse me? Why would I want some muscle bound brute when I could have a delicate and gentle flower to crown my gardens?
Isha: I'LL RIP OUT YOUR STOMACH, YOU ABOMINABLE CANCER ON REALITY!
Lion snarked, "I can see why Khorne might like her."
Slaanesh: Oh, yes mistress, belittle me more, show me who's in charge~
Rogal, as blunt as ever, said a single word, "Disgusting."
Khorne: I'm just saying, leaving her in a cage is a real waste when we could be seeing how long we can push her to fight for her life. I've heard some interesting things about those plant armies of hers, and I bet they'd be really fun to fight if I got her to water them with blood.
The Emperor remembered those plant armies, while the Tech Priest was reminded of Watermelon Steven.
Tzeentch: Are you sure you wouldn't mind leaving her with me for a few minutes first? I have a few wonderful plans I could use her to pull off.
Nurgle: She's
my waifu, we agreed ages ago when we divided up the survivors!
The wirring of the Tech Priest raising his eyebrow was heard.
Tzeentch: Yes, well, Cegorach ran away and Khaine is rather one dimensional, but this one is
interesting.
[Another scream echoes, and the three look back to Isha as she steps back, covered in Slaanesh's blood and breathing heavily, although it's obvious that Slaanesh isn't even really harmed based on the way they twist themselves around to show off.]
Slaanesh: Oh mistress,
please keep going, I've been so bad~
Isha: I would rather - *realizes she's the center of attention of all four, dropping the umbrella with another squeak of horror and hunching to make herself smaller*
Many primarchs were impressed by how similar Isha was to a normal human.
Slaanesh: *now annoyed as they get up to face the others* Thanks for ruining the mood, I was just getting her amped up for the good stuff. And for the record, she's Eldar, therefore she's
mine.
Nurgle: If you're looking for a fight over her hand, I'll be happy to give you one you won't forget.
Khorne: Just because you're hyped up on all those souls doesn't make you the biggest player on the block.
Tzeentch: And we'd never turn down a chance to remind you of your place in this pantheon, youngest one.
Slaanesh:
Bring it.
[While the four start arguing further and are just about ready to brawl, Isha slowly starts stepping backwards, creeping slowly further from them while they're distracted. When she's far enough away, she turns to flee only to step on a daemonette, which squeals as it crumples under her foot.]
The Emperor noted, "AND THAT IS WHY CHAOS CAN BE DEFEATED."
Isha: Uh-oh.
Tzeentch: Hey, wait, get back here!
Isha: Eep! *bolts like her life depends on it*
The Tech Priest played a clip of a woman yelling, "Run forest Run!"
[Cue a benny hill chase scene across the Warp, Isha ducking and dodging all attempts to catch her while the four keep running into each other and quarreling before realizing they're falling behind and returning to the chase. Eventually, though, she escapes into an empty part of the warp with no more cover, where she ends up trapped between a cliff and the four.]
During the chase the Tech Priest played Yakety Sax, aka the benny hill theme.
Tzeentch: Clever, but not clever enough.
Khorne: And now you'll pay the price for your failure.
Nurgle: Come with us, and we'll be gentle…
Slaanesh: Mostly, anyways… *perverted giggle*
[Isha looks over the edge, and then back to them, a grin on her lips.]
Isha: Sorry, but this is my stop. Better luck never!
[Hops off the edge of the warp, right past a 'No Trespassing' sign. Slaanesh is set to rush after, only to be held back by Khorne.]
Now Magnus was curious.
Slaanesh: Let me go, she's getting away!
Khorne: Hold on a minute there, hotshot, you don't want to go that way.
Slaanesh: Why not? What's so special about that place?
Nurgle: That's where
He lives.
All the primarchs knew they referred to there father.
Slaanesh: Who?
Tzeentch: The one being who has managed to solve all my riddles, fill Nurgle's house with air fresheners, and beat Khorne in arm wrestling...
Sanguinius turned to the Emperor and asked, "Did all that happen?" The Emperor nodded and said, "THAT WAS A GREAT DAY."
[Meanwhile, on
Terra Earth, outside of the Bai-heng hive, during a victory celebration.]
Emperor: Ah, another victory of the hardy boys under our belts, and another bloc brought under our control. Without any further complications, we should be all done with cleaning up in a decade or so.
Malcador: Yes, though we still need to deal with Kalagann and Ursh. We've destroyed the other empires and kingdoms built by Chaos cults, but Ursh is larger and stronger than rest of them combined.
The Emperor knew that to be true.
Emperor: Don't worry so much, old friend. We'll deal with Ursh in time. For now, we should just celebrate our victory.
Malcador: I suppose you're right...
Emperor: It's been a good day, Mal. And we invested a lot of effort in this party. The only way it could get better is if some Eldar hookers dropped out of the sky-
The Emperor put his head in his hands and asked, "WILL I EVER BE RID OF THAT EMBARISING STATEMENT?" Rogal just said, "Doubtful father." The Emperor didn't even need to prompt Perturabo to hit Rogal.
[Isha crashes in from the heavens, leaving a massive crater in the ground and the rest of the people nearby scrambling to get away. Malcador looks from the crater up to the sky and then back to the crater, while the Emperor slides down into it to check on the newcomer.]
Malcador: ...the only way this day could get better is if a mountain of complete STCs got unearthed just now.
[Beat while nothing happens.]
The tech priest chuckled at that.
Malcador: ...ah, well. Wasn't expecting to work, but it was worth a shot.
Emperor: Mal, you might want to see this.
Malcador: What? Does she need a medic or something?
[Screen shifts down into the crater, where Isha is lying face down in a small field of grasses and shrubs that definitely weren't there earlier, with the Emperor kneeling next to her.]
Emperor: No, I'm fairly certain she
is the medic.
Isha: ...ow…
The video ended, and the room filled with the auto-tuned laughter of the Tech Priest.