Okay so, I felt a little guilty about the cliffhangers and decided to give you all a longer chapter this time. Lot's happening, little and not so little easter eggs here and there and a VERY important message in the A/N at the bottom.
As said previously, I will only be updating once a week. Depending on how things go, I may update twice but for now, this will be my schedule going forward, unless something serious comes up.
to every single human who reviewed, you had me laughing out loud. THANK YOU. I loved your reactions. LadyValarie65's was the best. Reminded me of Eugene Levy at the end of Bringin' Down the House.
Imaginationgirl91: I hope you like Aria's adventure in this chapter.
Chapter 63 – honor is mine
Saturday, April 18th, 2020
Her face is impassive as she begins. "The first thing on my agenda is that you stop surveillance on Vishaal."
WHAT THE FUCK?
The meeting lasts all of thirty minutes. Thirty minutes of absolute shock and anger and betrayal.
As soon as Taylor and I leave the room, I start barking my orders at him because I am too close to losing it.
"I want Welch and Barney at GEH within the hour or they can kiss their jobs goodbye."
"Yes sir." Taylor nods.
The drive to GEH is short and tense. I am desperately trying to keep my volatile emotions in check. How, HOW could this have happened? HOW could have I been so blind?
I suddenly realize that in the shock of it all, I forgot to ask her the most important question. I doubt she'll engage in a conversation about this ever again. I can request a meeting all I want but she'll likely refuse. Rania doesn't know a fucking thing so talking to her is completely out of the scope of reality.
FUCK.
I pace my office like I'm running the marathon. I haven't said a word to Taylor yet who is watching me like a hawk. Breathe, Christian. Just breathe through it. I try to remember Flynn's words...
Oh fuck. this. shit.
"Taylor, GEH security needs to be revisited."
"Sir, are you at liberty to discuss the nature of your meeting with Mrs. Karim?"
"I am but I need Welch and Barney to get their asses here because I'm not keen on repeating myself."
He silently nods and ten minutes later I see Welch and Barney shuffle through.
"Hey Mr. G..." Barney says, no doubt trying to test the waters
"Not today, Barney." I cut him off and he shuts up.
"Sir, how can we help?" Welch pipes up.
"Well for starters, explain to me how secure are our servers?"
"No one's getting in..." he begins but I cut him off.
"Really? Because I have it on good authority that our security is absolute shit... Barney, care to share something with the class?"
He pales for a moment and stammers "Sir, it's impossible for someone to hack into our systems... I mean unless it's a government agency or someone from the inside but even then we would know."
"I want you to go through everything with a fine tooth comb. This is your top priority and your entire life until the job is done. Revamp EVERYTHING and my personal information including those who are close to me needs to be treated like the fucking nuclear launch codes." I all but scream. I see Welch and Barney swallow and look at each other. "After you're done restructuring everything, I want you to run the most aggressive simulations to ensure that no one gets in because if I'm blindsided like this again, I promise you, I will have both of your heads on a fucking stick." I seethe.
Words from the meeting earlier come to mind.
"What's this?" I ask. I am not touching this shit.
"Your Hiroshima, Mr. Grey" she says stone-faced.
"Mrs. Karim, are you blackmailing me?"
"Why blackmail someone when you can just put an end to the situation."
I look away. What the fuck is happening right now?
"Yes sir. We'll get right on it." Barney says and I dismiss him but ask Welch to stay behind.
I explain to Welch and Taylor the nature of my conversation with Mrs. Karim. Their eyes almost fall out of their sockets.
"Sir... I... don't..." Welch looks to Taylor and swallows "how did she get all this?"
"Apparently she has friends in very high places." I intone.
He raises an eyebrow. "Sir, with this level of detail into their backgrounds... this is government level access."
And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. Amy Rosenthal... she's a member on the Senate Select Intelligence Committee. All she would have needed was an introduction to the right person through her.
"I have been alive a very long time and I have friends in high places Mr. Grey. Very high places and I rarely ever call in favors."
"Sir, do you want me to look into Mrs. Karim?"
"She'll likely know we're looking into her even if we try and I'm pretty sure we won't find anything incriminating." I say. I don't want to stir up any more shit for Ana's sake. My hands are literally tied.
He silently nods.
"Call off surveillance on Susannah Blake."
"Sir, are you sure?"
"Yes. Nothing will ever come out of it and she's no longer a threat."
...
APOV
I know I'm a grown ass woman but having my family come to visit me has me way too excited. Yesterday was amazing. After meeting my favorite ladies in their hotel room, I said a silent thank you to God when they had chosen the Olympic Suite instead of the Cascade one. I would've been a wet and blushing mess trying not to replay our memories of Valentines Day through my head.
Aria loved every minute of our outings at the children's museum and Space Needle. She's taken a liking to Sawyer along with Nani much to Benny's disdain of the situation. I assured him he could never be replaced but he just gave his usual pissed off grunt in response.
Ros was over the moon to meet Nani and all us ladies, including Jose who is at this point the leading lady in our lives, got along rather swimmingly. Jose made it no secret that he's head over heels in love with Nita. He made her laugh to no end, again at my expense but it warmed my heart because I had been wanting to share my life in Seattle with her outside of just phone conversations and daily pictures. Rania's energy level was also a perfect match for him and it has been decided that we absolutely have to go to the Secret Garden when she visits Seattle next time. Jose is eager to meet Ruby and have a karaoke duet with her. We also finally established Valerie's stripper name, she chose Vivian because it's the sexiest name she could think of and I'm not entirely opposed to the idea except every time I think of that name Pretty woman starting playing in my head. Jose is content with his name being... well, I'm still not sold on his stripper name but he's over the moon about it.
While we do not look alike at all, Nita has been blessed with anti-aging genes, actually the whole family has; and people often think she's a friend of mine. No one really looks their age. She's only 46 years old and still a babe. I've often told her to get back on the dating scene but she laughs it off. I don't want her to be alone but whenever I've pressed her she's always told me that no one could ever match up to Ray so why settle for less? Still, every now and then I broach the subject hoping that some day she'll come around. When we're in public, I never outright call her Mama... you never know when a cute guy could be checking you out, I tell her. She always rolls her eyes at that.
I introduced Aria to Emilia and her adoration for the baby quickly turned into jealously when I held her for too long. I assured her that she was my first baby and gremlin forever and that Emilia was like a little sister. Needless to say, I have a lot of making up to this weekend. Emilia was warned before leaving that Aana Khala is mine. She's definitely Rania's daughter through and through. Always needs to have the last word.
Christian made a quick appearance at Ros' by the end of the workday before we head out to the Mile High Club for dinner. He seems a little on edge and I've tried asking him but he insists that it's just work. I can't force him to tell me anything so I ended the conversation with a simple assurance that I was here whenever he needed me. He gave me a tight smile and proceeded to distract me with sex. He'll talk to me when he's ready. I have to trust in that.
Aria is down for a nap in my room with Nita, while Nani prays and catches up on her reading. I'm almost jealous that she spends her day reading... I miss doing that. I need to start up again. Maybe that will help calm my mind too.
I lounge in the TV room with Rania as she gets cozy with a glass of wine. She tells me about her two week trip to Pakistan to shop for clothes for Aashu's wedding and Rania's antics with her paternal relatives. Rania's mother-in-law isn't her biggest fan given how she trapped her son in America when he was supposed to return after his residency and open up his practice in Pakistan. Never mind the fact that Rania is the head of legal at a multi-billion dollar company, their only concern is with the fact that they 'lost' their son to America. Then why did you fucking send him here in the first place? Is my billion dollar question. Rania still puts in an effort, she invites them over for the summer months and does whatever she can to make them feel welcome but it's never fully appreciated. Sometimes, no matter how educated you are, old cultural habits die hard.
"You look relaxed..." I tease.
"Girl, I could be a little more relaxed after those two weeks of torture if you ask me but Ruby finally flew in from Paris Thursday night and had some fun before flying back out." She smirks and dives in to details much to my protest while I cover my ears and eyes.
"T'was a fun layover?" I laugh
"Fun? Girl.. let me tell you we tried this new thing..."
"NO. Please... you both are like mom and dad territory for me..."
"Whatever Steele, you need to know this shit. It's my job to impart this sexual wisdom on you."
"Uh, no thanks. I don't need any more sexual wisdom... I'm more than happy with what I know and let me tell ya... I'm happy. VERY HAPPY."
"So he's a freak too?" She wiggles her eyebrows
I snort. The things I could tell you but won't. "Raniapa... let's just say, that I'm never bored and always pleasantly surprised." I say trying not to giggle like a fool
"TELL ME. I deserve to know." She pleads.
"Well, yoga really helps with creativity... if you know what I mean." I cover my eyes because I'm red
"Atta girl...spice up that curry... also... have you introduced him to Sapphire? Cause Raees loves the French accent. I've literally told him to take out the trash out in bed and he thinks I'm telling him he's a sex god." She cackles while taking a sip of her wine and I quite literally expire with laughter.
CPOV
When I step off the elevator I see that the great room is empty and quiet. It's a rainy day and the overcast makes everything especially dark and grey. Maybe they're all in her room, I wonder. I walk towards my study and her giggling and laughter from the TV room. I walk a little closer and see Rania and Ana laughing as they fall into each other.
"No... I've only introduced him to Sapphire as my stripper name. It was a joke. She hasn't made an appearance in that way... I don't think I could ever do that." she giggles waving her hand dismissively.
Well, well... Miss Steele. I can't help but smirk.
"Girl, I'm telling you... fly her in from London and have a good weekend. Helps keep the curry fresh."
Ana groans. "You're too freaky for me."
"Raees used to say the same but now... he prefers French cuisine." Rania shrugs and laughs out loud.
"OH MY GOD. PLEASE STOP." I see Ana cover her face and fall back into the couch squealing.
"As your favorite cousin ever, I'm just making sure you're taken care of baby girl." She chuckles.
I walk in. "I agree, you should be taken care of." Ana's eyes go wide and she immediately picks up the cushion and hides her face while Rania laughs her ass off.
"Mr. One Hunnid, so nice of you to join us. Cool digs, made me want to go all 'hey MTV welcome to my crib' when I walked in." She smirks.
"Thank you, Rania. I'm sorry I wasn't here to welcome you all, I had a meeting and then some things to take care of at work."
"Don't worry about it. Happens all the time. Come join us... by the way, I totally raided your wine cooler." She giggles.
She's acting so normal. I try and keep up. She doesn't know anything, that's the only thing that's keeping me somewhat calm right now. Nani on the other hand, I don't know how I'll face her or act normal in front of her.
"I'm glad you did. I'll join you in a bit, I just need Ana for a few minutes. Baby, if you're done hiding, can I talk to you?"
Ana's removes the cushion from her face and is uncharacteristically quiet; no doubt embarrassed by the conversation I walked in on. It makes me want to laugh because she's so adorable sometimes. She throws the cushion at Rania and walks over to me. Rania cheers suggestively and Ana groans yelling something in Urdu at her.
I grab her hand and walk towards the bedroom. I'm desperately trying to hold it together, her touch calms but I need more. I also have to be careful to not alarm her. Another instance where I'll have to exercise control.
As soon as we get into the room I close the door and push her to the wall and kiss her. Really kiss the life out of her. She moans as I grind into her. She brings her hands to my hair but I grab her wrists and hold them stretched out above her. I reach down and lift her dress and play with her clit and she arches her back moaning. I break the kiss and look into her eyes.
"Anastasia." is all I say and she slowly nods. I unzip myself and make quick work to push myself inside of her and she throws one leg around me for support.
"Christian..." She moans my name as a whisper while I continue to rub her clit.
I grunt as I thrust into her at an erratic pace. I need this. I need her. Desperately need her. She can help me find control.
"I need you to come Anastasia... now" I growl before biting her neck. She throws her head back and whimpers. She's close, I feel her tightening around me as her breathing quickens. "Now..." I command and on cue she detonates while her leg tightens around me, bringing me over the edge with her as she deliciously milks my cock.
We take a few moments with our foreheads resting against each other.
"What happened Christian?" she softly asks, looking up at me.
I can't tell her. I just fucked her for my own peace of mind, whatever little I'm able to find through dominating her. I'm an asshole.
"I just needed you. I'm sorry I've been so busy with work." It's the truth, partially that is. I have been busy and I do feel guilty. Even though she won't say anything, I still feel guilty.
I feel her delicate hand run through my hair as she brings my face down for a kiss. "Christian, you shouldn't feel guilty. It won't last forever. It's just for a little while." She gives me a small smile.
"Yeah, I know... but you deserve better." I murmur. You don't deserve a fuck up like me who has done fucked up shit.
"It's not about what I deserve but what I want... and I want you Mr. Grey. GEH is your baby, it needs you." She kisses the corner of my mouth.
I chuckle. "I thought GEH was my wife."
"Sometimes... but I think baby is a better description." She giggles and I trace circles on her cheek with my thumb. I needed to hear that sound.
"If you ever wanted me take a step back from all this, I would. I'd do it in a heartbeat. We could just disappear and see the world. All the places on your map, we could just go explore..." I ramble.
She laughs. "As tempting as that offer is, you need to work it's in your blood."
Let's just fucking disappear till the 3rd quarter. You'll be safe and happy and away from all this bullshit. "I also need you."
"What happened Christian, you can tell me." She looks at me willing to tell her. I can't. I literally can't.
"Nothing baby, work is just getting to me. Must be my old age." I chuckle.
"I knew it. I'm dating an old fart..." She giggles and we go to clean up.
Before we leave the bedroom, I pull her to me and flush my body against hers making her gasp as she looks up at me. "So when will I get to meet Sapphire?"
Her eyes go wide. "You heard all of that?"
"I heard enough. Now tell me, when do I get to meet the elusive Sapphire?"
She looks down for moment and then raises her face to look me while raising an eyebrow and begins to speak in the perfect British accent. "Mr. Grey, Sapphire cannot be summoned. She's incredibly high maintenance and to be honest, I don't think you could keep up with her."
"Is that a challenge?" I smirk.
"My darling Mr. Grey, the fact that you're even asking that question means I'm way out of your league." She sasses with a smirk before turning around to walk out.
Sunday, April 19th, 2020
CPOV
I've been holed up in my study all day. I've ventured out to the kitchen to get something to drink or get snack on occasion but mostly to see what was being made and it has been pure torture because the food so far smells amazing and having to wait till everyone else is here is driving me up the wall. Dinner last night was a struggle to keep up with. Nani was her usual self, as if the meeting a nd conversation we had never happened. At one point when Rania took Aria to the bathroom and Nita and Ana were clearing up the table, Nani looked straight at me and told me to relax. She could sense my nerves. I gave her a small smile and nodded. How the fuck am I supposed to relax? Ana is starting to pick up on it too, the work excuse will only last me so long.
I need to desperately talk to Flynn.
I'm making notes on one of the contracts I'm reviewing when something from the corner of my catches my attention. I crane my neck to look to my right when I see a pair of eyes, barely above the table, staring right at me. I jump back a little when all I hear is a growl like giggle. It's Aria and I have to chuckle, now I know where she gets her nickname from.
"Aria scared Chwischin Khalu." Her eyes crinkle as she laughs out loud.
"Yes, Aria. You did a little." I smile back her. Rania has been teaching her to call me Khalu. Even though Ana and I are not married, Rania said it was like a done deal anyway and she wants Aria to learn all the respectful titles of the people around her from a young age. It warmed my ice cold heart.
"Are you woking?" she asks.
"Yes I am."
She brings her index finger to her lips. "Aria stay quiet when mama woking." She starts to wander around the study with her hands behind her back. It's amusing but she looks at everything and then makes her way to the floor to ceiling window. I briefly wonder if life will be like this with our kids. I suppose it will. Aria is a well-behaved child. I've only seen her have a melt-down once but she was quickly assuaged by Ana and the promise of ice-cream after dinner.
"Cars are small." She points in an obscure direction out of the window and I get up and go to see what she's talking about.
"Yeah, they are. It's because we're so high up."
She looks at me with wonder I think. It could be confusion also. She turns around and walks back towards my desk and parks herself near my chair. Assessing whatever is actually on my desk.
Her eyes go wide and she gasps. "Aana Khala and Chwischin Khalu..." she points and I know what she's referring to. It's the photobooth strip I have on the desk of Ana and myself from Scooter's wedding.
"Yes it is." I say as I sit back in my chair.
"You kiss Aana Khala..." she closes her eyes and giggles and it's adorable.
"Yes, I kiss her a lot." I smirk. She starts looking at me and I'm at a loss. How do I keep conversation going with a 3 year old?
"Aana Khala, told me you had a birthday."
"I turned free." She holds up three fingers.
"Did you have fun?"
She nods enthusiastically. "I ate lots of cake and got pwesents." She pauses for a second. "Can I sit on the table?"
What? Why would she want to do that? She looks at me with expectant brown eyes and I'm assessing the situation that if I say no, I could potentially cause a nuclear meltdown and that's the last thing I want. The image of Rania barreling into my study to beat me to pulp for making her daughter cry is not pretty.
I have to pick her up. Fuck. I need to do this in a way where she won't touch me. Even though, I know she's just a kid. She means me no harm. I swallow and tentatively hold my hands out and she lifts her arms smiling at me. I gently pick her up and set her on the table, adjacent to me. She dangles her legs and looks around. I have no idea what she's going for. How is this entertainment for a three year old?
I suddenly remember when Mia was little she used to love paper planes. Elliot would make them for her and she loved that shit.
"Do you like paper planes?"
"What's that?" she asks confused.
I lean over to the printer under my desk and pull out a few sheets of paper and make one. She looks at me with curious eyes. Once I'm done, I show her and aim it over the table and let it fly. Her eyes go wide and she claps and squeals.
"Again." She laughs.
I make a few more. I even write her name on one of them and fly them out.
I can't believe, I'm making a kid laugh and she hasn't thought I'm a monster yet. There is hope for you yet, Grey.
"Having fun without me, I see." I hear Ana's voice from the threshold of the room as she giggles.
Aria whips her face back and I follow her gaze. "Aana Khala, Chwischin Khalu made paper planes... show her." She looks back at me and taps my shoulder with her little hand.
I chuckle and make another one. I give it to Aria and she throws it over the table. Not the greatest take off but she's thrilled nonetheless.
"Gremlin, that is so cool... you want to show Mama what you learned?"
Aria nods and asks me to help her down. She quickly picks up all of the paper planes, clutching them for dear life and runs out of the study.
"You're a natural, Mr. Grey." She says with what I sense is wonder. Her faith in me is disarming sometimes.
"I learned from the best, Miss Steele." I smile back, still unsure of myself. This weekend is testing me in every way.
Ana walks in my direction and tiptoes when she reaches me, pulling my face down to give me a kiss. It's starts out as gentle but quickly turns into something deeper and more sensual. I wrap my arms around her waist and hold her tight. Her hands move into my hair and the kiss becomes urgent as she moans into me. I break away from her lips and kiss her neck down to her sternum.
She smells of roses, jasmine and Ana. Home. Always.
"To what do I owe this pleasure?" I smirk as I whisper against her lips.
She looks at me with dreamy eyes and smile and she runs her hand through my hair. "Anytime I see you with Emilia or Aria... my ovaries go haywire and start sending signals to my brain to find you and tell you to put a baby inside of me." She giggles.
I chuckle. "Well, tell your brain to tell your ovaries that I'd gladly put a baby inside of you. After all, we aim to please Miss Steele."
She looks at me for a few seconds and swallows. "I know we talk about this in the abstract and joke about it but we should talk about a timeline... something to work towards maybe?"
"We can do that. In therapy or just us?"
"Just us to start. Tonight? If we're not tired after handling everything?"
"Tonight." I lean down and kiss her again. "You look beautiful, like spring personified."
I see tears start to form in her eyes. "You make me feel like Spring, Mr. Grey."
...
APOV
I go up to my room to see if Mama needs anything as she's getting ready this evening.
"Damn girl, look at you in that sari! Do you need anything?" I ask.
"I'm good meri jaan. Are you excited?"
"Yeah, I am. I always wondered when I'd get to have something like this for myself... so I'm really glad my life is growing like this."
"Well, judging by how good Christian is to you, I have no doubt his family is just as wonderful. I look forward to getting to know them more... I just wish your father were alive to be a part of this as well." Her voice breaks a little.
I feel the tears start to burn my own eyes. "I wish the same but he's here in spirit... I actually had a dream about him earlier this week."
I tell her about the dream and she laughs because it's classic Ray.
"Have you thought about when you two want to get married? General idea of course."
"Not really, probably early next year. We have a lot happening this year, with his schedule, my taking over philanthropy at GEH which by the way, I'll probably call you everyday for advice plus Kate and Elliot's wedding then Aashu's wedding... I think we need to pace ourselves." I laugh.
She smiles. "When you put it that way, you're right it's a lot but let me know whenever you decide, I need to make preparations."
"You need to chill ma, we probably won't do anything elaborate like Kiran and Daniel. Maybe like two days with a really small guest list, we'll see."
"No pressure, but I have the jewelry from my wedding that I've saved for you so if you do have a Sangeet, you can wear that? I'm sure Nani has some heirlooms she wants to give you as well."
Oh fuck. Nita Steele is killing me with the Mama vibes right now.
"I'd love that, Mama." I say try to not cry and give her a hug and she kisses my forehead.
We continue to catch up a little more when she tells me that Vishaal took her out to one of their monthly lunches. I'd forgotten they still do that. His schedule has been over the place since he became CEO so it hasn't been as frequent.
"He was also asking about when you two are thinking of getting married."
I want to throw up. "Why doesn't he focus on getting married himself?"
"You know how he is, he worries about you, wants to make sure his kid sister is happy."
"Mama, between you and me, I am not comfortable him knowing stuff about me anymore."
She looks at me concerned. "What happened?"
Fuck, I can't tell her right now. "Nothing, he just has this bad habit of expecting us to tell him things and passing judgement on how we should or shouldn't live our lives. I get that he's the oldest among us all, but just because Nana passed away doesn't automatically make him the authority in this family. That respect has to be earned."
"Did he say something to you Aana?"
How can I say this while still preserving the peace?
"He's always trying to tell me how I should live my life and Mama, I don't appreciate it especially when I don't tell him how to live his not that I know anything about his life anymore. I honestly have no interest. Please don't volunteer any information about mine to either him or Kiran. I want to be the only source of information... Christian is extremely private and I don't want to cause any problems with him. This culture is different for him and I'm trying to ease him into everything without the drama."
"I understand that. Vishaal and I had a general conversation; he just wants to see you happy and settled like Kiran. He'll never stop being a big a brother to you." She smiles.
I look away and try to maintain composure. "I think he should focus on finding his own happiness. He's turning 33 this year, Alia Khala should seriously focus her efforts on getting him married. It's about time. I no longer see him in the capacity of a big brother."
"Why?" She looks back at me.
"Between you and me, we've grown apart. He has no respect for my life choices and I'm honestly over it Mama. I don't have room in my life for that kind of drama. I'm trying to move forward in a meaningful way now. Ever since the press leak with Kiran, I've distanced myself from them. They're always telling me that I'm 'over reacting' making me feel like I'm absolutely wrong in everything I do."
"Why didn't you tell me before?" She sounds hurt and I hold her hand and smile.
"Because... I don't live in SF and their opinions just don't matter to me anymore. My life is different; I didn't want to cause any unnecessary problems. Yours and Nani's opinions are the only ones that matter to me. Please don't say anything to anyone but after Kiran's wedding a lot of things have started to make sense to me and I honestly, don't want the negativity."
"I won't Aanu and thank you for telling me." She gives me hand a squeeze.
"I appreciate that Mama." I kiss her cheek and tell her I'm going down to check on things.
Our guests are about 30 minutes out and I'm putting last minute touches on the table. The main floral arrangement and bud vases were delivered about an hour ago and I cut pomegranates and spread them across the table and sprinkled cloves, star anise and cardamoms around them.
I feel Christian behind me and he kisses my temple. "This looks beautiful baby."
I look up at him and smile. "I'm glad you like it. I hope your parents will too, I made sure the spice level on the food was mild and the desserts are really sweet but I couldn't really control that... I just hope they like everything..."
I really hope they do, even though the Greys are culturally sensitive and open to new experiences... I want this to go as smoothly as possible. Grace and Carrick have been so good to me. I'm glad Mama doesn't know what happened over the winter holidays, this helps her not freak out even more than she already is about this dinner. It's an official meeting of the two families and while a lot of mine is absent, still, most of the important ones are here.
In the absence of my Dad, Nana, had he been alive would've been the father figure... In the absence of Nana and if Vishaal hadn't been such a colossal piece of shit then he would, as my brother been a father figure. While Vishaal still thinks that he the representative of this family, I've effectively sent him a slap in the face with this dinner. He knows it's happening, Rania let it slip on purpose the day before she came here. I haven't heard from Kiran which means she still doesn't know or she's sulking in a corner. I might get an earful at Kate and Elliot's wedding but I'll deal with that dumpster fire when I get to it.
Even though, I so desperately wish that Dad were alive and here with us, I am still so grateful and happy that Nani and Mama are my pillars of strength who hold me up and are representatives of the family and traditions that I not only love but have helped made me who I am today. Aisha Hasan-Karim, Nita Karim-Steele and Rania Karim-Raees, three fiercely independent, strong and kind women are the family that I get to introduce to my future husband's family.
"They'll be fine Ana. They like Indian food but I'm pretty sure you guys are about to spoil them because all of this is definitely a treat for them." He chuckles.
"I hope so... by the way, I have a small favor to ask." I whisper. He nods. "Aria has been getting a little antsy and she's been asking me since yesterday if she can play on the piano but I told her that I had to ask you before she could even touch it. Can you sit with her for a few minutes? If not, that's totally okay... I just wanted to ask." I know that piano is his baby, not that he's ever placed restrictions on anything when it comes to the apartment, I still don't want to rock the boat. I still think he's new to the concept of sharing and opening up your life to people and trying to keep Aria distracted to not touch or break anything has taken every ounce of my energy.
He leans down and gives me a quick kiss "Anything for you, baby." I smile and tell him she's in the TV room with Rania watching something and he goes off to find her. Nani gives me a smile from the great room and winks at me. A few minutes later I hear Aria running towards me at full speed and way too much energy.
"AANA KHALA... ARIA GOING TO PLAY PIANO. Chwischin Khalu going to help." She's so freaking happy. I see Rania walk in too and she rolls her eyes and wishes Christian luck.
"Really? That's so exciting baby. Can I watch too?"
"Yeah." She answers and runs towards the piano and climbs up the bench and patiently waits for Christian to join her.
I know I'm going to end up crying like a fool because this image is going to really do a number on my ovaries.
Christian plays her a little bit of Clair de Lune and Aria furiously claps asking him to play again. The image of him sitting with a little girl is almost too much for me. I walk up behind her and ask if I can join them. I set her in my lap and sit next to Christian who then plays happy birthday and Aria sings along with me. She loves the special attention. He shows her a few of the keys and she follows as best as she can. Her excitement is contagious and I see how gentle and patient Christian is. He smiles at her and Aria is totally smitten with him just as I am. He looks so young and beautiful in this moment. I adore it when he smiles, it's like he doesn't have a worry in the world and he's completely who he's meant to be in that fraction of a moment, deserving of all good things and happiness. He's going to be such a great dad. I know it.
Rania makes a few videos and takes some pictures. "Damn, Mr. One Hunnid, pulling out all the stops. Aria is definitely bringing a white boy home now." Rania laughs.
Christian gets up and takes a bow and we all cheer and clap.
CPOV
Dinner went off without a hitch. The real highlight though was when everyone with the exception of Kate, Elliot and Ana started to converse in French to annoy the living shit out of Ana. She groaned and threatened to ban her family from Seattle while giving what I assume were fair warnings in Urdu as well.
These women definitely know how to hold a room and I can tell that Mom and Dad were thoroughly enamored by them. The conversation flowed effortlessly since they have similar tastes and curiosities. The food was incredible and Dad couldn't get enough after profusely thanking them for going mild on the spice level. Grace is pretty much taking all the date barfi home. She's so in love right now, from the food to the décor and the eastern ensembles Ana and her family are wearing; I wouldn't be surprised if Grace never left tonight. She took pictures of everything and she's been smiling non-stop. I've never really seen mom sad outside of what happened during Christmas but I've also not seen her this happy. She's always been measured with me, again those were boundaries that I had set over the years with my own behavior but now; things are different. I hug her, as much as I can, I still can't fully hug her but it's getting better. I call her a few times a week even if it's just to say hi. She's still surprised when I do but she's slowly getting used to it. Dad, Elliot and I try to get lunch but it's been a little difficult since I took over for Ros as well.
I realize this is the second time in the 8 years since I've been in Escala that they've been over for a family meal. All because of Ana. For the first time in years, I played the piano for someone other than myself. I slowly opened up to Ana in the recent months but then I played for her family and her niece this evening. Granted it was more for instruction, still, it came naturally. Flynn's words come to mind.
"She will unintentionally influence you Christian. Think of it this way, say, I hated green smoothies before I met Rhiann but she loved them and even though she'd never ask me to try any but by just being in close proximity to her and seeing her drink them... I might be inclined to try some and actually like it... or it would reinforce my resolve as to how vile they are." He laughs and I smirk.
"It's the power of unintentional suggestion. Just the mere allowance of opening yourself up to a new experience. The effect she has on you could be immediate or gradual, it depends but by your admission she's been trying to ease you into things, she realizes that this is all very new to you. She grew up with these traditions of family and affection so it's a big part of who she is and what you love most about her and she wants to include you, as much as you will allow her to. In the end it's all in your hands Christian. If you want your life to move forward then these changes will be a part of it and in the process you will learn new things about yourself. You've lived a life of intense emotional restriction, Christian. You're now free to explore what you're capable of, what your limits are and what your strengths are. This will be an education for you. Enjoy it. In the end that's what life ultimately is; an education that we pass on to future generations."
We're sitting in the great room talking about mom's plans for Coping Together when the conversation gradually shifts to Kate and Elliot's upcoming wedding on Memorial Day weekend. They've decided to get married in Seattle in mom and dad's backyard. Cabo was proving to be too hectic.
"You know, I predicted Kate's pregnancy at the wedding if you think about it." Nani laughs.
"Thanks for that Nostradamus, a definitive timeline would've been appreciated though" Kate giggles.
"It's gonna be a girl, I know it." Ana chimes in clapping.
"It's gonna be a boy." Elliot challenges.
"Nope, it's gonna be a girl. I had a dream. I have a knack for these things. Tell him Aisha Hasan." Ana looks at Nani and she laughs and nods.
"It's true, she has the gift of the dream." Nani giggles.
"You know Nani, I thought we were supposed to go out on a date. You were giving me eyes at the wedding." Elliot smirks and we all laugh.
"Oh hell no... Aisha Hasan you need to shut this down and Elliot Grey you need to stay away from my grandmother. Go focus on your baby mama." Ana growls.
"You can take him Aisha Hasan. He's been getting on my nerves. He's allll yours, girlfriend." Kate laughs and gives Nani the go ahead.
Elliot looks at Nani. "I'll pick you up tomorrow at 7?"
"It's a date." Nani winks at him much to Ana's disapproval.
"I'm banning you from Seattle. You're nothing but trouble Aisha Hasan." Ana giggles and kisses her on the cheek.
...
Aria has forgotten about my existence and is completely under Elliot's spell. I always knew he was actually a 5 year old kid stuck in a 33 year olds body. He's meant to be a dad and it'll come so easy to him. He's been throwing Aria up in the air and running after her and she's eating it up. I don't know if I'll be able to do that with my own children. To let them freely touch my chest or climb on my back for piggyback rides. There's suddenly so much to think about and I have no idea how our conversation will go tonight. Maybe we should only talk about this with Flynn. Given my meeting yesterday, my thoughts are scattered and my emotions aren't as measured as I'd like them to be. I don't want to say anything that will upset Ana.
We say goodbye to Mom and Dad and I go down the elevator with them. They continually tell me how happy they are for me. These conversations are new and still hard for me to have. I've just recently come to accept their love and support for me through Ana's eyes and even then it's still a struggle.
When I come back up, I see Kate and Elliot getting ready to leave along with Mia and Ethan. Ana's sitting on the couch with a sleeping Aria in her lap and she showers her with kisses. The image is not an easy one for me to reconcile with. Soon we head back down in the elevator to say our final goodbyes to Nita, Nani and Rania. I know how difficult these goodbyes for her. She does her best to make the most of her time with them but she misses them immensely.
"You mind if we have the kids discussion later this week?" I ask her tentatively.
"Sure, whatever you want." She squeezes my hand and gives me a small smile. We make our way up and once we're inside our bedroom I feel like I can breathe easy again. I take off my jacket and sit on the bed while she goes to change. I cradle my head in my hands and take deep breaths. Once she comes out she sits next to me.
"Christian, is everything okay? Are you feeling sick?" Ana asks full of worry.
"No baby, I just need a minute to process." I say trying to rein in my feelings. My head is pounding, not from a headache but from... everything.
"Okay." She says quietly but I can hear the sadness in her voice. She sits next to me and rests her face on my shoulder and rubs her hand on my bicep.
"Sometimes when I see you with a baby or singing a child to sleep, even just holding them close like you did with Aria this evening... I'm overcome with these intense feelings that I've been trying to avoid my entire life."
"I'm sorry Christian, I don't mean to push any ideas of family on to you." She immediately sits up and there's a panic in her voice.
I look at her and try to go for reassurance. "No baby, that's not it. It's just feelings from my childhood, before Grace adopted me." I look down again "I have this memory where the crack whore would hum to me I think... and she held me... but then I have this memory of resting my head on her chest as she lay dead and I tried my best to wake her up but she was so cold and no one found us for days but it felt like years... I tried to keep her warm..." my voice is almost a sob.
She immediately climbs and straddles me, pulling me in close and hugs me tightly "I'm so sorry Christian. I'm so sorry, I'll never do this in front of you if you don't want me to." She cries. "I don't ever want to hurt you. I'm sorry..."
I look up to her "it's not that baby, I just look at you and wish I had that. I wish my mother has loved me like that, I wish I had memories of that. I wish I had known that love. I wish I had let Grace into my life." My throat burns and so do my eyes and I do everything to try and stop myself from crying.
She kisses me softly and hugs me again with my face buried in her neck, I'm home. I inhale her scent. She's home. I feel at peace with her.
I start to ramble, telling her things that I've never said out loud. Memories I've tried. "She'd sometimes hold my hand when walked outside. It was rare but I remember that. I remember her baking once. I remember brushing her hair sometimes and she would braid it... I remember her giving me a bath. It smelled like "
She holds me and rubs my back, letting me talk.
She pulls back and holds my face and kisses me again and looks into my eyes. She begins to sing, her voice heavy and full of emotion.
You say your time has come
You're tire of waking up
Don't be obscene,
I can't conceive of
Living without you
You say you drag me down
No one should want you now
I start to cry,
You kiss my eyes and say
I'm not allowed to
She runs her hands in my hair as she goes on.
You were a child forgot
Lessons of love untaught
Now no embrace can quite replace
The one that never found you
I was raised tenderly
All that was taught to me
I will apply,
Your parents tried
But they didn't know how to
Burning beacon in the night
Can't feel its heat or see its lights
That single solitary guide
It must get lonely there sometimes
Her voice breaks and places her hand on my heart and continues to sing and it's like a promise.
Let me stand by you
The honor is mine
Let me stand by you
Loneliest light
I pull her in for a kiss and crush her to me. I'm at a complete loss right now. She always knows what to do, what to say to make me feel like I'm not alone in these dark feelings. She understands me. She knows me and she wants to protect me.
We hold each other for a while as I breath in her scent trying to calm my thoughts, resting my face in the crook of her neck. She kisses my cheek every now and then and rocks me.
"I love you Christian, with all that I am, I love you." She whispers in my ear.
I look up at her "Every day I have to remind myself that you're not a dream and that you're real. I am nothing with you Ana." My voice is strained and barely a whisper. She leans in and kisses me deeply.
I twist and push her down to the bed and lose myself in her. It's primal and fast and insanely quick. I climax hard and loud into her, leaving her hanging. Fuck... that has never happened. I've never completely lost control like that. Not since, I was an inexperienced teenager.
Ana is under me trying to catch her breath. "Baby, I'm sorry, I just..." what the fuck do I say?
She caresses my cheek as I pull out of her and push my pants off. "It's okay" she raises her face and kisses me.
"I just needed you, I'm sorry."
"Hey, it's okay. I'll make you pay me back with interest later and if that doesn't work out, I've got the Seattle Nooz on speed dial." She winks.
I chuckle. "I have no doubt about that Miss. Steele."
She smiles holding my face "I'm here for you Christian, whenever you need me." I nod and kiss her deeply. She lets out soft moans, I move my hand down and tease her clit and slowly insert one finger into her. She arches her back and moans louder. I fucking love it when she does that. I tease her some more and hover over her lips to watch her. "Christian, I need you inside me..." she begs.
"No baby, I want to watch you."
She continues to arch her head back and grip the duvet. I kiss her neck and move down to her breasts. Biting them and licking them, I love how it drives her insane. Soon, I start to feel her tense up and her breathing comes in quick pants, she's almost there. I move back up to kiss her lips "Come for me baby."
She cries out incoherently with her eyes shut. She's so fucking beautiful. I'm instantly hard again. Her face illuminated by the city lights pouring in as I kiss her neck. I can feel her heartbeat echo inside of her and the heat of her blood rushing through her veins. She's the most exquisite woman I've ever known.
"I fucking love to watch you come baby." I tell her as I kiss her softly. She giggles and smiles back at me.
We look into each others eyes and suddenly she climbs on top of me and pulls me up so we're sitting face to face again. I help her take off her nightgown and she kisses me deeply as she grinds on me, her wet clit rubbing against my erection. It's fucking hot. God, she's good. "I want more" she moans into my mouth and I feel my dick twitch. I groan as she lifts herself up and I position myself at her opening. She looks down at me as she slowly lowers herself and feeling every inch of me enter her. She slowly closes her eyes "oh fuck Christian." She pants as she throws her head back. I'm fully inside her now and it feels so fucking deep. I can feel her tighten herself around my cock as she slowly grinds in circles.
"Baby..." I groan into her breasts as I suck and bite on them.
She pulls my head back up and starts to move up and down, looking into my eyes. "Tell me you're mine Christian."
"I'm all yours Ana, only yours." I breathe into her mouth as she takes over with her tongue. She picks up speed and I meet her thrust for thrust.
"Look at me baby." I command and she immediately follows. She tries her best to keep her eyes open but I can feel the intensity building up in both of us. She keeps her eyes fixed on mine, we belong to each other completely right now.
I twist her nipple and she lets out a cry and suddenly climaxes throwing her head back, clenching down and I follow right after. I tense and let out a loud groan into her neck as I empty myself into her. I fall back to the bed and she rolls off of me and we lie side by side panting.
She turns her face to me and reaches out with her hand to play with my stubble "Mr. Grey, I think we're both thoroughly fucked, wouldn't you agree?"
I have to laugh "Yes Miss Steele, we are." She giggles. "Baby, your interest rates are really high."
"They're only high when borrowing for a hostile takeover." She quips and I let out a hearty laugh.
I turn to her "That fucking smart mouth of yours."
"You love it." She sneers.
"I fucking do." I attack her with my mouth and try to silence her before she can say anything else. She's mine. Only mine. "I love you baby but sometimes I feel like I can barely keep up with you."
"I guess that's what I get for dating an old fart." She laughs as she turns to me and I smack her ass. "Oww, asshole!" I kiss her aggressively and she runs her hands in my hair.
We lay quietly for a few minutes, just basking in the afterglow holding each other close.
She looks into my eyes and starts to speak. "Christian... if being around Emilia and Aria is too much then tell me. I don't want you to feel pressured to spend time with them or be around them."
"It's not that, Ana..." I turn to look up at the ceiling. It's a million different things that are racing through my mind.
"You can tell me, Christian." She says softly.
"This is all just very new to me. I've spent years avoiding all these emotions, I never thought I had it in me to be a parent, especially with my past, especially the recent past. The thought terrifies me. What if I'm unable to stand the touch of my own child? Kids are unpredictable and... with Aria this afternoon, she asked me to pick her up and help her on the desk. It freaked me out but she thankfully didn't touch my chest... then she touched my shoulder and I knew she was safe but still the apprehension was there." I let out a breath that I feel like I was holding in for ages.
"I understand that but Christian, when we have our own kids, it will come naturally to you. I mean even in those few minutes alone with Aria, you made her laugh and she's smitten with you, when you played the piano for her... it was the most beautiful thing. I imagined you playing with our kids and teaching them and singing to them..." She says with tears in her eyes. "Think of this as practice if anything before the real thing. I know this is all new for you and it can be overwhelming but please tell me when it gets too much... I'll pull back." She reassures me and I smile at her.
"As long as you're there, I'll be fine. I guess I'm going through growing pains too, this is all new to me and I've got a lot to process..."
She nods. "Do you want us to start trying for kids right after we get married or wait a bit?"
"To be honest, I don't know. What do you want?" I look at her.
"I've been struggling with this, I know these things have a way of happening in their own time but I was telling John recently that my biggest issue was that I hadn't achieved anything outside of just surviving my trauma. I hadn't travelled or done anything substantial with my life besides I don't want to go into motherhood to distract myself from my past traumas. I don't want them to manifest in a way where I hurt my baby. With the blackouts and hip pain... all that fucked up shit..." she takes a shuddering breath and looks away wiping her eyes.
I pull her close to me kiss her forehead. "I'll be with you every step of the way baby, I promise."
"I know you will." She looks up at me. "I thought of names the other day... just for fun I guess" she giggles.
I smile at her. "Tell me baby."
"It's just an idea, I mean I don't know how many we'll have but for a boy I thought Theodore Raymond Grey."
I chuckle. "Theo will love that. A kid named after him, he'll never shut up about it."
"Yeah, he'll definitely get a kick out of it. For a girl, I thought... Aisha Noor Grey." She looks at me with tears in her eyes.
"After you mom and grandmother?"
"Yeah, they've given me so much... they brought me back. I... I know it's just names but I want their legacy to somehow live through my kids too."
"I think that's beautiful."
"I don't mean to take over, if you like any names, please tell me."
I laugh. "I haven't really thought about this stuff so it may take me some time. Either way, I'm like what you've come up with."
She nods and gives me a small smile. "I've been talking to John about something else..."
"What baby?"
"The idea of always wanting to do stuff alone and on my own. He said that he realized it stemmed from the loss of control I felt given my... well, everything. We've been talking about my unlearning these ideas or, I guess, making me comfortable with the idea of us doing things as a team. That it didn't mean I was weak or not in control but that my life is just moving in a different direction and I could stop running and actually enjoy the process and comforts of being part of us... that I could stop letting the fear hold me back because this cycle has to break and I'm the only one who can do it."
"I want you, no Ana, I need you every step of the way with me. I can't imagine doing any of this without you my side. Just knowing that I have you in my corner makes all of this worthwhile in the most meaningful way."
She nods and buries her face in my neck. "I want to help you in any way I can... I also was thinking..." she pulls away and looks up at me. "Not to make a big announcement or anything but we don't have to wait till the 3rd quarter to get engaged."
"Anastasia, don't fuck with me right now." I look at her.
She laughs. "I'm not fucking with you Mr. Grey."
I kiss her hard. "Can you please tell me what ring you want?"
"Nope. Go talk to Kate. She knows exactly what I like."
"Why can't you just tell me?" I growl.
"It's about teaching you life lessons, Grey. Now go learn them." She giggles and kisses the corner of my mouth. "I will however tell you one thing, please under no circumstances will you plan an over the top proposal with and get on one knee. I don't know why but that is like my worst nightmare."
"Why?" I am thoroughly confused. Don't girls like that shit?
"I don't know, I guess it's just... I'm not into the pomp and circumstance of it all. Like, you and I have talked about it. We know we want to get married... the proposal seems... pointless I guess. Just gimme my ring and we'll call it a day." she cheers.
I can't help but snort. "Fine, I'll just give you your ring in the bathtub then."
She laughs out loud. "You remembered that? Good, I look forward to it."
Authors Note:We're about 6-7 chapters away from the real fireworks then we're gonna be winding this baby down. In the meantime, in addition to your overall thoughts about the chapter, I would like to hear your thoughts on what you think Jose's stripper name is. I'll share my idea for it in the next chapter.
Pinterest: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out Chapter 63
Music:
Clair de Lune – Claude Debussy
Beacon - A Fine Frenzy