Chapter 41
I called my parents, Gwen, and Kevin right away. They wouldn't let me in to talk to Hope. It's her life and our kids lives that are at stake here, not mine. She should have a say. I tried to get the doctors to see my side, but they only told me that worrying her would cause more problems. Her blood pressure was rising, and her heart rate was off the charts; any further stress may kill her before I can even ask her about her decision. I knew though if given the choice she'd pick the kids over her, because that's who she is. There would be no question, and I knew she knew I'd do the same.
But if I let her die on me now, what the hell was all this for? I tried not to think selfishly, but I just couldn't take the thought of losing her after all we've been through together. Then I thought I did save her, I gave her the family and the love she deserved; shouldn't our kids have that? Of course they do, but I just can't let her go. It would destroy me. But letting go of something we bought fought, and prayed and made love for; I couldn't do that to her not in a million years. It would destroy her.
Suddenly, I felt a rush of heat wash over my face. My hand began to twitch and my fingers trembled. Sweat travelled down the side of my face. My breathing became heavy. I clenched my shirt tightly where my heart is and closed my eyes. This life, the charmed life she gave me was shattering again. We promised each other the world; and yet the darker and cloudier it gets all the time. What the hell do I have to do to set it right and make it easy? Then again no life is easy. My thoughts scrambled again. I thought of Rook and how I let him down as a friend, he really was there for me then; and I pushed him away. I thought about Julie and how right she was. I always push away people that are just trying to help. Maybe it's me that's the curse in this life. I can't escape the cards I've been dealt. Maybe I cause my own pain?
As the thoughts rambled on and on and on, I couldn't let my mind take me over. I couldn't let myself be pulled down in this. I had a choice to make. I had no way of knowing which would be the right one, but I had to choose and choose fast. Hope and the babies didn't have a lot of time. There were a few doctors talking with one another outside Hope's room. I rushed over to them and grabbed one of them by the arm.
"Take the babies please, and do what you can."
I some paperwork to fill out as Hope was prepared and wheeled in for an emergency C-section. They said it could be anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour before they could give me any news. I wept. I went straight to the men's restroom and cried hysterically. When my family finally arrived Hope was still under.
Gwen ran up to me as she stepped off the elevator.
"Ben!"
She hugged me around the neck and kissed my cheek. Kevin and my parents walked up behind her.
"Where's Genesis?"
"Don't even worry about her, we got a sitter."
"And Harmione?" Kevin asked.
"She's at school, I have to pick her up later."
"Kev can go and get her." Gwen replied after.
"Oh sweetie." My mom began and hugged me. I hid my face in her shoulder, she stroked the back of my head.
"Hey Ben..."
I looked up behind Mom, it was Grampa Max.
"Dad, what are you doing here?" My dad asked my grandfather. "If you were busy you-"
"I'm never too busy for family." He replied back. "Ben...come with me."
The others stayed put, and I followed Grampa Max outside the hospital toward the parking lot. He turned toward me and tossed a pack of cigarettes my way.
"Grampa?"
"Go ahead." He said and pointed.
I turned and looked up at a sign that read 'Smoking Area'.
"I know it's probably not good for your old Grandfather to give you those, nor is it benefiting to you for you to have them...and I know your mom and dad wouldn't be too happy about it...but the way I figured it somehow they helped you last time, I thought perhaps they could do the same this time."
I opened the pack as he spoke.
"Just promise me no more after this, I understand where your mind is Ben...Verdona and I had our share of problems...you and Hope remind me of us."
He paused and reached in his pocket .
"You'll need this too."
He tossed a lighter at me. I caught it and put the pack of cigarettes in my jacket pocket.
"I promise...and we really remind you; of you and Grandma?"
"Oh yes...in a lot different ways."
I lit the cigarette and began to smoke it. I've never felt such a relief in my life. I blew the smoke heavily, and exhaled slowly.
"Are you alright now?"
I only nodded and continued to smoke.
"You know, that's why I didn't think much of it when you first started dating her. I trusted her."
I looked at him and then turned away.
"You were one of the only ones." I closed my mouth and smoke left my nose.
"Listen Ben, I know it was hard for you to see and understand for a while, but I trust you...I trusted the boy you were and I trust the man I see before me today...you've never made the wrong choice, you've made mistakes, but you're only human Ben...I think turning into all those different forms made you forget that."
I puffed on the cigarette.
"Sometimes...I thought to myself if I was right in marrying Verdona...the truth is, it's not a question if I was right or wrong, it was a question on if I was happy or not. If being with the woman I loved, didn't make me happy...I don't know if anything else would have..."
"Grampa...I understand but..."
"I'm just trying to tell you Ben, that you've done nothing with your life except used it to make people happy, and you deserve that as well...no matter what you chose for Hope and the twins, you'll be happy no matter what the outcome...Don't have any doubt about that."
"I don't know Grampa...I just don't know."
"If you look inside yourself, deep enough you know, you always know...my Ben knows how to keep the peace...and find happiness and you'll find it even if you're not looking for it."
I teared up and put the cigarette out, by stepping on the bud with my foot.
"Grampa I can't do that all the time, not anymore...I can't pretend anymore." I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of my tears slide down my face through the cracks of my eyelids.
"I know son..."
He walked closer to me and placed his hand on my shoulder. I gasped and looked at him.
"I only ever pretended to be happy and made jokes because I was afraid...and felt alone...and it's the feeling of being alone that I just can't shake...I want to feel okay not just say that I am..." I cried.
"And that also makes you human Ben...you know... you don't have to be so strong all the time...you don't have to do anything...just find what makes you happy and hold on to it for as long as you can and then some...and then you're never truly alone."
I sniffled and he took a cigarette from the box. He slowly put it in my mouth and lit it. My fingers trembled as I reached for it and stuck it in between my fingers. I lowered my hand and held the cigarette out away from me. My hand trembled.
"You grew up to be a wonderful man, husband, and father...but always remember that to be those things you need to be alive, and human first...you owe it to yourself to allow your mind and body to move forward from the past, and you'll never find happiness if you continue to look for it in the same place you lost it."
I only nodded with tears in my eyes.
"Relax."
I began to smoke the cigarette, my hand continued to tremble.
"Ben...all I'm saying is whatever happens today...things will be alright...Trust me."
"I do trust you Grampa."
I finished off the cigarette, and went back inside with him. Everyone was just sitting around when we entered.
"Hey Ben." My dad said and reached out to me. I walked over to him and mom.
"Ben...sweetie..." My mom took my wrist and gently pulled me closer to her. She just held onto my wrist and patted my hand.
"A nurse told us about Hope's condition while you were out."
My heart could be heard in my ears.
"Carl..."
My dad continued for mom.
"She's bleeding pretty bad and losing a lot if blood."
As mom held my wrist, I balled up my fist.
"They are doing all they can to stop the bleeding, but her blood pressure is running pretty high."
I nose sighed softly, and looked down at my feet.
"They did manage to pull one baby from her before the bleeding became severe...the baby is the NICU, he's preemie but he's better than expected...but we're just not out of the woods yet is all."
I made my way to the NICU to see one of the boys. I had to put on a pair of scrubs, gloves, and a surgical hat. There were lots of staff there. My son was placed inside an incubator. It was a rather small bed enclosed by clear, hard plastic. Doctors, nurses, and other caregivers would be able to care for him through the holes in the sides of it. I was able to stroke his small arm through one of the holes. He still didn't have a name yet so they named him 'Tennyson Baby 1' He weighed exactly 2 pounds. My wedding band could fit on his arm like a bracelett, and it was still too big for him. He was covered in wires and tubes. He was alive but he didn't move much. His fingers occasionally moved as if they had a mind of their own. His eyes were still closed and he was very sickly looking.
A nurse came up behind me and marked through his name on his chart.
"Does this sweet boy have a name?"
I thought long and hard about it. I tried to figure out which one fit him best. Justin or Jace, looking at him now it didn't seem like any name would fit. I knew if Harmione were there she would have said his name out right. As if she's known him all her life.
"It'll be easier for us if he had a name." She said with a smile.
"This is..."
I don't know why I said it, I think it was due to all of my stress but the name that came out was-
"This is is Jesse Benjamin Tennyson."
I don't know why. It wasn't even a name we chose, but the more I looked at him, the more the name stuck out. I think I started to say Jace, before I thought of Hope again and my nerves rapidly became shot.
"Alright then."
The nurse wrote his name on his chart. It would also be the name on his birth certificate. I stared deeply at his little body and said;
"Hey there Jesse, I'm your Dad."
He lied still, and I stroked his delicate little arm again. Suddenly a small incubator was wheeled in next to him, nurses began to hook up wires and plug in leads to a heart monitor.
"What's going on?" I asked dilgently.
"New baby, Tennyson Baby 2, congratulations!" A nurse replied back.
"It'll be easier to keep them together in the same room." Another Nurse spoke out. A doctor dressed in scrubs carrying a crying baby wrapped in blankets and towels moved the infant to the incubator.
"We need to regulate his temperature." The doctor informed a nurse. The baby continued to cry as they began to poke him and jab him with needles. They pricked every inch of his body, I learned later they did the same with Jesse. The hooked him up to a heart monitor, and a breathing tube, with wires up his nose that were so small I didn't even know they made them that little. They checked his blood pressure and his blood sugar. He was well taken care of. He cried and screamed loudly.
"What should we call him?"
I looked at my second born son and stared hard at his face.
"Justice." I whispered softly to myself. I know Hope wasn't keen on the name and I know we made an arrangement for Justin, but Harmione was right, it would be a name that would fit him. Hope would forgive me I'm sure and we could always change it.
"Justice Kirby Tennyson."
They placed the name on his chart. Justice continued to cry, while Jesse hardly made a sound. I looked from Jesse to Justice. A feeling of warmth washed over me. I couldn't believe they were here and I couldn't believe how small they were. Jesse weighed 2 pounds and 2 ounces. Justice weighed 1 pound and 10 ounces. They were hardly babies. They were the barely alive. I spend a few minutes with them both, before finding a doctor to tell me about Hope.
"I mean she's alright?"
"Right now Mr. Tennyson..."
"Ben."
The doctor sighed heavily.
"Ben...Her symptoms are very severe, she bled extensively during the procedure...which was warranted as an emergency and she required strong medical attention, there was some scar tissue that hadn't healed properly with some internal bleeding, possibly due to trama from an old open wound."
Her mother shooting her in the stomach came back to haunt me.
"Where is she?"
"She's all patched up, she's in a room...I have to say she is doing better than expected, but we don't want to get too confident, we'd like to keep her here for a few days just in case she slips into mid shock. She's receiving fluids and blood products by IV to replenish the blood lost and improve her circulation. She may need a blood transfusion to-"
Before he finished talking I took off my jacket and showed him my arm. Strangely, she and I shared a similar blood type, I shared a different blood type than most of my family members, the only other persons close to my blood type was Gwen and my Grandma. We were all AB-. Though Grandma, wasn't here and I wouldn't allow Gwen to give blood unless Hope really needed it. It was all taken from me. I gave about 3 pints of blood to her. Which is about 1liter of my blood. I told the doctors if they needed more, to give her all she needed, even if I felt faint. They told me that wouldn't be necessary.
I had to sit in a room to be observed for a little while after they took my blood. Since the birth of the twins, it was at this point I hadn't seen Hope in over 2 hours since I brought her in.
My parents, Gwen, Kevin, and Grampa Max came in the room to see me. They hadn't been able to see the babies or Hope.
"Ben..."
My mother hugged my upper body. She stayed clear of a bandage and tourniquet wrapped around my arm.
"I could have given her some blood if you just let me." Gwen retorted.
"It's fine...okay."
"How is she Ben?" my father asked.
"I heard they were giving her my blood, and she seemed alright...but I still haven't got to see her yet."
I felt Grampa Max's hand on my shoulder. My mom stroked my knee.
"Here Ben, honey." She suddenly spoke out and handed me a cookie from the table beside me. I ate on the cookie as they spoke to me.
"Your mother and I are going down to see the twins, but we'll be quick about it and we'll be right back up here to see you and Hope."
"Thanks Dad...but I'm not so worried now, I think we're gonna be okay."
Mom gave me a shy smile.
"So what do I call my grandsons?"
"Jesse and Justice." I replied.
They smiled brightly. It was late afternoon and I finally got to see my Angel. She was lying in a hospital bed with an IV in her wrist and oxygen tubing in her nose. She had lost oxygen due to the blood loss. The clock ticked on the wall but there was hardly any other noise. My blood transfusion was also hooked up to her via the IV. As you can imagine the smell of the room was clean but very sanitized. That changed when I grew close to her and nuzzled her forehead with my own. I could smell her sweet perfume, and the cleanliness of the shampoo of her hair. Her bangs were so soft against mine, with the hint of a coconut smell. Her skin was soft as well, and her body fragile and delicate. Her frame seemed somewhat smaller. I gently just rubbed my fringe against hers as she slept peacefully. I pecked her forehead and held her face in my hands.
"Ben..." I heard her small voice say. I looked her in the eyes; she was awake and staring back at me. The hue of her magenta eyes had faded some. She was weak.
"How are the babies?" She asked in almost a whisper.
"Fine...Healthy." I whispered back. "How are you?"
"Fine...I can't feel much..." She replied. "Tired."
"Then go back to sleep." I pecked her forehead again. She closed her eyes against the kiss. I felt her move her hand up my arm. She paused when she felt the bandage.
"You did that for me?"
"How could I not?"
She looked me in the eyes again.
"Are you alright?" She asked her eyes never leaving mine; as she studied my face.
"Yeah...Don't worry about me; I'm fine."
I looked at my own arm.
"This is nothing."
Tears came to her eyes. I knew she was thinking it, but didn't want to say it. That my pain was her fault. I wiped them away.
"Everything's okay now." I told her and brushed her bangs carefully out of her eyes.
"When...we had Hope...you told me...it would be the last time...I had to go through something like that."
She was winded.
"Ssh...yeah okay, try not to talk so much."
"And now we got the boys...and I...they're a blessing all three of them...But I'm sorry I put you through all of this...I'd do it all again if I had too but I know that, that would be hard on you, and it is...and I-"
"Ssh...It's alright...It was scary at first...and it was hard there for a little while but I'd do it all over again with you if I had too...it's fine."
"But you...you must have been so worried...and I just...I'm sorry...and your arm..."
She ran her fingers across the bandage.
"I can't stop hurting you..."
"Hope...Look at me...look...you only hurt me when you talk that way...it's alright...okay...I'm fine..."
"I just love you so much."
With that tears swelled up in her eyes and in a blink they fell down her cheeks.
"Oh God, Angel...Hope, I know you do."
I pecked her forehead again.
"Kiss me." She uttered in a hushed soft delicate tone.
"You need your oxygen and you need rest."
"No...please...kiss me the way you did that day."
"What day baby?"
"The day...you saved my life."
"You know I would but-"
"Don't be considerate of my health right now...just please do it...Do it as if it's the last time you will."
"Don't tell me that."
"Please Ben..."
"Why are you talking to me like this?"
"Kiss me."
"Not until you tell me why you're acting this way...you're okay...nothing's going to happen to you..."
"Ben...I...I just feel so weak..."
"Then go back to sleep."
"No!" She shouted with all of the energy she could muster.
"Hope..."
"I'm afraid if I shut my eyes I won't open them up again...please...kiss me."
"Hope, you will...I promise you will, you'll wake up and see the twins I promise."
"Ben, I'm scared...I.."
"Hey stop."
I touched the side of her face. My wedding band in full view.
"Calm down...I'm going to be right here when you wake up...and I promise you that everything is going to be alright."
She only nodded with tears in her eyes.
"Alright."
I stroked the side of her face with my thumb, and wiped her tears away.
"Don't be scared...I promised I'd take care of you and I'm going too..."
I felt her quake.
"Don't tremble..." I whispered. "And don't you dare tell me to kiss you like it's our last time...there will never be a last time."
I leaned in close and kissed her. She kissed back, and slipped her tongue into my mouth. We continued to make-out and her heart monitor spiked. I heard it and pulled away.
"Ben...can I ask you something?"
"Anything...but promise you'll go back to sleep right after."
She nodded in response.
"Why do you suppose bad things always happen around us?"
"Angel...I consider you, and Harmione and the boys; all good things...We've seen miracles happen, and embraced tragedy together but that doesn't mean, we dwell on things or that our life is bad...Grampa said it just makes our lives, human...sometimes you and I forget that.
I held her hand and rubbed my thumb across the top of hers.