Chapter 34.

Kayo was startled awake by something smashing.

Thunderbird Shadow's pilot groaned and buried her face in her pillow, grimly realising with a glance at the clock that she'd been asleep for only two hours. Over on her right, Lady Penelope sat bolt upright, her sleep mask askew.

"What's happening?" Penelope demanded, kicking the covers off and making a grab for Sherbert, "Are we being boarded?"

Kayo dropped her chin onto her chest and sighed, "No, it's just the boys being stupid again. They must have all woken up and reconvened on deck. Make sure the door is locked and leave them to their antics."

Lady Penelope frowned as a splash sounded outside, no doubt the result of yet another Tracy falling overboard, "I hardly think that's a good idea, Kayo. The yacht can be repaired, but broken bones and hypothermia are a trifle harder to fix. Now, get yourself up and meet me and Bertie outside."

With a swish of her pink silk dressing gown, Lady Penelope vanished out the door in a cloud of perfume.

Kayo sighed before heaving herself into a sitting position. She sure hoped the boys were sober enough to run in a straight line, because if she happened to catch one of them…well, things would get messy.

Leaving Celery asleep on the floor, Kayo creaked open the door and joined Parker and Penelope in the main hallway. A shiver of dread slid down her spine when she realised that all of the boy's doors were open and their cabins unoccupied.

"They've been making a right ruckus, m'lady!" Parker wheezed, shivering slightly in his tartan pyjamas, "Mister Gordon found that crate of Cheval Blanc you were keeping for the Duchess of Kent, and 'im and 'is brothers 'ave been uncontrollable ever since. I tried to stop 'em m'lady, but there's five of 'em and only one 'o me!"

"Five?" Kayo frowned in alarm, "You mean Alan's involved?"

Parker dropped his head and nodded sadly, "They're like an 'erd of mad 'orses. I tried to talk some sense into 'em, but the wine 'as gone straight to their 'eads. I think being cooped up on that tiny island 'as finally got to 'em!"

"Well, this is rather distressing," Lady Penelope muttered, tightening the sash on her dressing gown before striding towards the staircase, "Kayo, lock all the cabin doors. We don't want them running for cover. Parker, go down to the kitchen and empty every container of alcohol you can find down the sink. Also, hide all the medication in the first aid kit and all of the knives. We mustn't overlook basic safety."

"Right away, m'lady!" Parker replied before trotting off after Kayo.

Lady Penelope sighed and began to ascend the staircase, mentally steeling herself for what she was about to witness.

The scene on deck wasn't quite as bad as she'd anticipated. Scott and John had their elbows linked together and were trying (and failing) to sip from overflowing glasses of wine while tipsily reciting the names of the ten closest stars to earth.

Alan was passed out in a boneless heap on the floor. One of his shoes was on back-to-front and his shirt had gone AWOL.

Virgil and Gordon were up on the bow, mimicking the famous Titanic pose while screeching like a pair of hyenas.

"Near, faaaaar, wherever you areeee!" Gordon squawked, closely followed by Virgil's equally horrific chorus of, "I believe that the heart will, go onnnnnn!"

Lady Penelope felt a sudden affinity for teachers with unruly students in their classes. As it was, her own class consisted of just five students, four of which were adults.

Bringing her fingers to her lips, Penelope let out an ear-splitting whistle that effectively caught the attention of every conscious person within a fifty foot radius. Virgil spun round so quickly that he accidentally knocked Gordon's outstretched arm, the resulting impact sending the aquanaut careening back into the sea.

"Don't ever let go, Virg!" Gordon screamed before being swallowed by the briny deep.

Lady Penelope resisted the urge to giggle before squaring her shoulders, staring each of the remaining three Tracys in the eye. She was acutely aware that their combined physical strength far surpassed her own, plus they were drunk and not thinking straight.

"I think you've all had quite enough to drink for one night," Lady Penelope briskly announced, glancing down as Gordon hauled himself out of the water with the coordination of a baby platypus, "As your hostess, I politely ask that you all return to your cabins and remain there until morning."

"Can't do that," Scott slurred, accidentally knocking over John's glass, "Virgil snores like an elephant with the flu. Plus, the last time we had a night like this was back at Christmas. No wait, scratch that, we were deployed on Christmas, so the last time we had a night like this was John's birthday, which was last October."

It was at that moment that both Kayo and Parker reappeared, flanking Penelope like a couple of pyjama-clad bouncers.

"I've confiscated the last of the booze, m'lady!" Parker cheerfully informed, "There'll be no more drinking on this ship!"

"And I've taken the liberty of stealing Thunderbird Two's keys," Kayo added smugly, her lips twitching when four pairs of eyes widened in horror, "You can either go quietly back to your rooms, or swim home tomorrow. The decision is yours, but please know that I'm fine with whatever you choose."

Despite the Pimms, beer and wine coursing through his system, Scott recognised logic when he saw it. With a sigh that doubled as a groan, he motioned for his brothers to follow Kayo, before rising to stoop and pick up Alan.

"We'll see you in the morning," Lady Penelope chirped as she herded a staggering Virgil back into line, "Of course, if there's anything you need in the meantime, don't hesitate to knock on Parker's door."

"Excuse me, m'lady?" Parker wheezed in disbelief, twisting around only to be met by a door slamming shut.

"Parker, you haven't got any bottled water lying around have you?" Scott asked, "I'm parched."

"I could murder something to eat," Gordon added, staggering slightly as he tried desperately to remember which room was his, "We've not eaten all evening. Parker, any chance you could whip up a pizza?"

"I'm starting to feel sick," John complained, clutching his head, "I don't suppose you've got any ginger tea, have you?"

"I think I might have thrown my pillow overboard," Virgil confessed, hiccupping slightly, "Parker, have you got a spare in your room? John won't let me borrow any of his."

Parker could only slouch as four pairs of eyes gazed at him expectantly.

"Right away, sirs."

-x-

Lady Penelope wasn't just a lady in name.

She was also one in practise.

If her years at Finishing School had taught her anything, it was that guests should always be offered tea.

Even if they were lying face down on the kitchen table.

Penelope resisted the urge to drape a blanket over Gordon's quivering shoulders. The aquanaut looked as if he'd been partially digested and then vomited back up; blond hair stuck his forehead, skin that was clammy and pale, eyes that were puffy and red-rimmed.

"Good morning, Bertie," Lady Penelope whispered to the little pug as she set the kettle to boil, "Try and wake Gordon up for me, would you? But be gentle."

Sherbert yapped something that probably translated as 'F.A.B', before scrambling onto Gordon's lap and gently kneading the aquanaut's thighs with his paws.

"Bleugh…" Gordon groaned, burying his face in his arms as the sun assaulted his tortured eyes, "G'way Bertie…wanna sleep…"

"I think some tea would do you a world of good," Lady Penelope announced, stepping over Alan who was passed out in front of the fridge, "Sugar or milk?"

"Both," Gordon mumbled, leaning down to stroke Celery who'd suddenly materialised, "I don't suppose you have any paracetamol, do you?"

"I have something even better," Penelope replied, reaching into one of the cupboards and pulling out a packet of celery crunch bars, "I picked up a box just for you on the way to the harbour yesterday."

Gordon flushed pink and shyly accepted the bar that was being offered alongside his tea, "Thank you Lady P, you're really too kind."

"Don't give it another thought," Lady Penelope smiled, before reaching down to gently shake Alan's shoulder, "Alan, darling? You need to get up before I trip over on you."

Alan gave a moan of discomfort and rolled onto his front, grabbing the nearest soft item (which happened to be a pair of oven mitts) and hugging it against his chest.

Lady Penelope was just about to ease the youngest into a sitting position, when five new bodies migrated into the kitchen.

"Is there any coffee on offer?" Virgil groaned, slapping a palm against the side of his face as he eased himself down next to Gordon, "I could murder a double shot espresso."

"Are we still 'iding the paracetamol, m'lady?" Parker asked as he entered behind Kayo.

"Not anymore Parker, feel free to dish it out," Lady Penelope instructed, moving to allow Scott and John to stagger past, "Coffee or tea, lads?"

"Neither," John groaned, his eyes hidden behind a pair of Kayo's sunglasses, "I feel as if my head's about to explode. Caffeine or sunlight would be the final nail in the coffin."

"Like your new look mister John, sir," Parker sniggered, before gaping in horror as Scott seized a bag of coffee and began to eat the beans raw, "Mister Scott! You're supposed to grind them up and add them to 'ot water first!"

Scott made no acknowledgement that he'd even heard Parker, his red-rimmed eyes gazing blankly into space as he shovelled bean after bean into his mouth.

Down on the floor, Alan whined pathetically and tried to sit up, "Ugh…did you guys get it?"

"Get what?" John mumbled, his attention focussed on the painkillers Kayo was offering him.

"The plate number of the bus that hit me," Alan elaborated, rubbing his hands over his face, "I can't believe I let you guys talk me into drinking. You are the worst brothers in the world."

Kayo and Parker shot pointed looks at Scott, who shrugged sluggishly and continued to graze on Lady Penelope's expensive coffee, "Eh, I'm your brother, not your dad."

"You're as good as," Kayo challenged, offering Alan a glass of water.

Scott snorted, "I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. I'm also deaf in one ear."

Alan frowned in alarm and swivelled to face Scott, only to be pacified with an eyeroll, "It's a joke, Alan. I can hear just fine."

"Holy hell on a Thunderbird!" Virgil loudly exclaimed, examining the bruises on his forearms and reaching up to gingerly touch a bump that was beginning to form on his head, "What did we get up to last night?"

Gordon frowned as he took a long swig of tea out of the fresh mug Lady Penelope had set down in front of him, "Not sure…I think I remember trying to teach John how to do an underwater backflip, but the rest is hazy."

"I remember that," Alan gave a small nod, "You smacked him in the face and gave him yet another nosebleed. Virgil was worried we were going to attract sharks."

Gordon scrunched up his face before rubbing his forehead, "Not my fault he's a giraffe. I think I might have accidentally kicked him in the chest while demonstrating how to do an underwater cartwheel as well."

John merely snorted as he chased his painkillers with a slug of water, "At least you kept it all above waist level."

"I remember trying to take a bite out of one of the life rings as well," Gordon sheepishly admitted, absently running his tongue over his gums, "Those things are a lot tougher than they look."

Scott cocked his head, "Was that before or after you played the ukulele?"

Gordon pinched his eyes shut as he wracked his memory, "Before. No wait, after. No wait, before. No wait, after. No wait-"

The aquanaut was abruptly silenced by John slamming his fist into his shoulder, "Ah! Geez John, what the hell? That hurt!"

"As does my head!" the redhead snapped, oblivious to how ridiculous he looked wearing Kayo's cat-eye sunglasses, "Now shut up before I throw you overboard for good."

Gordon mumbled something rude, but did as instructed.

"I 'ate to be the bearer of bad news, m'lady," Parker began in a tone that suggested otherwise, "But we 'ave to be at that luncheon in Bangkok by midday."

Lady Penelope clicked her tongue as her eyes scanned over the five sorry messes in front of her, "Kayo, any chance you could pilot Thunderbird Two home for the boys? I don't think any of them are fit enough to get behind the controls."

Kayo shook her head, her comm device glowing, "Sorry, but an emergency SOS just came through from a vessel in the Coral Sea. I've instructed Thunderbird Shadow to collect me from the harbour in fifteen minutes."

Lady Penelope pursed her mouth as Alan flopped face first into the slice of toast Scott was offering him. On the one hand, she was quite happy to leave the boys aboard FAB 2 while she and Parker flew to Bangkok in FAB 1. The yacht had two showers, a fridge full of food and zero alcohol on board, so they'd be safe and well catered for. On the other hand, it made much more sense for them to return home and recover under the watchful eye of Sally.

A quick visual sweep of the quintet revealed that Scott appeared to be the least affected. Despite his red eyes and porcupine hair, the eldest appeared to be in control of his actions and somewhat aware of his surroundings.

"I'll pilot, don't worry," Scott mumbled as if reading Penelope's mind, "We'll replace the whiskey and the wine we drank as well. Sorry for the inconvenience. As you probably know, we don't get out much, so we tend to go a bit bonkers when an opportunity presents itself."

Lady Penelope smiled as she began clearing away the empty plates and mugs, "Think nothing of it. As you hostess, it's my duty to absorb all the costs of entertaining you. Just promise me that you'll report in as soon as you're home safely."

Five slurred 'F.A.B's chorused around the kitchen as the Tracy clan hauled themselves to their feet, a few members wobbling a bit more than normal.

Five minutes later…

Lady Penelope and Parker gasped as Thunderbird Two narrowly avoided crashing into Sydney Opera House.

"Don't worry, I think the worst of my double vision has passed!" Scott cheerfully announced over the screams of his brothers, "Thanks again Lady P, we had a great time."

"The fun's not over yet," Lady Penelope announced, wincing as the green aircraft clipped the top of Sydney Harbour Bridge, "I promised that I would teach you dating etiquette, and that's exactly what I intend to do. Providing you're sufficiently recovered and don't get deployed, meet me and Kayo at Sukiyabashi Jiro in Tokyo tomorrow evening at six o'clock sharp. Formal wear is compulsory and non-negotiable, as is punctuality. You can tell your brothers that tomorrow's exercise will feature food, so they needn't eat beforehand."

"F.A.B," Scott replied, the hiccup escaping him audible to Penelope even over the comm, "Uh, guys? What exactly am I looking at?"

"That would be a seaplane," came Virgil's pained reply.

"Which one am I avoiding?" Scott asked, "The left or the right one?"

John howled, alarm coursing through him as Scott visibly struggled to make a decision, "Out of the way you idiot!"

Scott put up no resistance as the redhead dramatically flung off Kayo's sunglasses and leant over to seize the controls, "Thunderbird Two is…oh god, I'm going to be sick. Virgil! Open a window!"

Lady Penelope tilted her head as Thunderbird Two banked violently to the left, avoiding the seaplane in the process, "Oh dear…do you think we should follow them?"

Parker meanwhile, was tutting and shaking his head.

"See m'lady? That's why FAB 1 is equipped with good 'ol fashioned sick bags."