This is a transitional chapter. A few quick notes

I talk about Ramadan, the holy month of fasting for Muslims. Eid is the holiday at the end of that month. Iftar is the meal eaten at the time of sunset when breaking the fast. If anyone here is Muslim and has an issue with Ana's character, please deal with it on your own time. Everyone follows their religion differently, in the end as long as you can find your peace without actively hurting anyone else, that's all that matters

Another thing, you don't like this story and how it's stretching, well guess what, i'm President of that little club. This is my first fanfic, and it's full of mistakes. LET ME LIVE. I'm tyring to wind this up as best as I can to get to the finish line that I wrote weeks ago. So FFS, relax.

All will be revealed in due time, I promise. If this story doesn't spark any joy in your life then Marie Kondo my ass and move on. I may not be able to follow my once a week posting timeline I had originally planned, things are in flux right now and i'm trying to rearrange my life and my brain.

To everyone else, how are you? I know things in America are heartbreaking. I've been doing some soul searching and have been taking time out to go to protests and almost didn't post this chapter but realized we all need a little escape every now and then. thinking of all of you. Stay safe and as always, #blacklivesmatter.

Chapter 64 – you have my heart

Monday, April 20th, 2020

I'm pacing John's office like a mad man right now as I tell him everything, giving him a blow by blow account of the entire weekend. It takes everything in me to not unravel completely as I do.

"Christian, what is your biggest issue right now, at this very moment?" He asks as I finally take a seat

"The loss of control." I feel like things are slipping out of my hands. "It makes me feel weak."

"Do you really believe that, that you are a weak man?"

I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees as I run my hands through my hair. "I don't fucking know anymore, John. I have never been challenged like this. I'm going through a million different emotions all at once. I am really trying to maintain a level of control."

"Not having control doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. Although, having to admit that in front of someone you least expected is the shock here. Am I right?"

I don't answer. He's right though, I don't like having my ass handed to me. Yes, I've lost many a deal but personally; I've never been bested. I've also never been a situation where that could happen. That is, until I finally realized what Elena did to me. Fucking Elena.

He takes off his glasses and places them on the table in front of him. "Christian, we've already established where you need from control stems from. So I won't go into the formative years of your life but only talk about the last 15. You have dealt with three kinds of women in your life, women who have thrown themselves at you and given you the illusion of control over them, women who have remained neutral and women who have actively told you have no control over them, want to take a guess who those women are?"

"Elena and the submissives gave me the illusion of control... and women who have wanted to date me I guess. They've all been more than willing to let me control them. "

"Ever wondered why?"

I take a deep breath. "It was never about me but what came with controlling me. The power, the money... they life..." I wave dismissively.

"Right and the neutral women or seemingly neutral at least?"

I look at him and shrug.

"Grace and Mia."

I scoff. "They are anything but neutral."

"Aren't they to some degree? Grace accepted your boundaries and never overstepped her mark and similarly you have no control over her life outside of security. Same goes for Mia. Granted her exuberance as you've stated in the past can be overbearing but still that's also her being a younger sibling and she knows her limits. She's never pushed them. Your family has always maintained the position of neutrality. There when you need them, patiently waiting for you to make the first move – a product of the precedent you set with them. They loved you and accepted you before you were Christian Grey the billionaire."

I look down at the table in front of me and study the items on it intently. My eyes run over the lines and curves of the different objects. I see his point. I always kept Grace at a distance and she's always accepted it. They all did. They often tried but I shut them down and they'd retreat quietly and never questioned me. She loved me unconditionally from the moment she saw me and she continues to.

I concede. "That makes sense. I've been trying to change that since I met Ana but it will take me time."

"You're making progress, that what matters most here."

I nod again.

"And the women who actively show you that you have no control over them."

I snort as run one hand through my hair. "Anastasia Steele and her family."

"You mentioned in one of our previous sessions when you came back from meeting the entire family that you felt no ill will from them. That for the first time in a very long time, outside of family you were able to have a conversation with women who weren't throwing themselves at you or had an ulterior motive."

I nod. "Yeah, I know that her family has accepted me. Their main concern is for Ana's happiness and well-being and they believe that I'm an important part of that. It was refreshing, to be seen as a source of happiness to another person on a human level rather than for what's in my bank account."

"But her grandmother as of recent has also set the terms."

I close my eyes for a few moments. "Yes."

"That makes you feel threatened?"

"I don't feel threatened, not entirely but not being allowed to have a single degree of control in a situation that could affect Ana doesn't sit well with me. "

"Christian, you have been dealing with women who have agency your entire life. The only difference is you're now dealing with women who are determined to be in control of their own destiny without interference. That is something that needs to be respected. You're just simply going to have to sit this fight out."

"But I'm a fucking Dominant, John. I am always in control. This is who I am, who I'm supposed to be."

"Christian, you're holding on to an illusion that was fed to you. Something that is inherently associated with a lifestyle that you no longer practice, that you actively chose to give up. Tell me, do you think that not being a dominant in this one aspect of your life suddenly makes you a weak man, that all men who are not dominant in personality are weak men?"

"Yes... I mean... yes and no."

"Explain."

"I don't care about anyone else. I care about my identity."

"But no one out there, I'm talking about people general public here, knows you're a dominant, that's all in your head. Yes, in business you can have a dominant personality but it doesn't have to extend into your personal life. What you have achieved in your business and public persona in general has been because of your ability to read a room and knowing how things work. It all has to do with your intelligence and how you have used it. Look, there are many dominant personalities out there, regardless of whether they partake in the lifestyle or not, who are complete imbeciles. There are people who are not dominant in their personalities and are still pretty successful, even more than you are. What I'm trying to say is that, your sole purpose in life shouldn't hinge upon the identity that was cultivated and fed to you in manipulation. You can outgrow that and furthermore, with Ana, you are in a relationship of equals. You do not dominate her or her choices, not entirely that is."

I laugh. "She dominates me."

John chuckles. "Well yes, and trust me... when you're in love, the woman always dominates so get used to it."

"I guess it's the end of the road me then." I smirk.

"Sayonara, Grey." He laughs a little but then shakes his head. "No it's not. Look, you're evolving. You're being put in situations that were up until last thanksgiving completely out of your realm of possibility. Just because you don't have control in one area of your life doesn't make you a weak man. Being human and realizing your limits is not weak. We aren't meant to control everything. It's impossible. Look, you're in love with a woman who comes from a family and adopted culture that has complex nuances. It is equally difficult for her to navigate this as it is for you. This relationship of yours is forcing her to do some mental housekeeping of her own for the first time in a very long time given what she's been through. Unpacking all that and sorting through it... well, it's a lot of work but she's made progress and she's committed."

I mull over his words for a bit and sit back on the couch and look up at the ceiling and take a few moments before springing back up.

"Ana told me she's coming around to the idea of us being a team and moving forward together..."

"What do you think of that development?"

"I'm relieved but there's still a part of me that wishes she'd let me take down that piece of shit."

"Who knows Christian, in time she may ask for your help in this. Keep that door open. As a supportive partner your job should be to be there when you need her. We cannot force our loved ones to accept our help. You both have your share of complexities. Your paths to finding peace with what you've been through are different. It's never smooth sailing but the biggest thing you both have got going is your commitment to each other. You both want to come out of this on the other side and have a fulfilled life. This part is hard but you're working towards the end goal and it is in sight."

Tuesday, April 28th, 2020

Barney and Welch, dedicated their every waking moment of their lives to going over all GEH servers and upgrading our security and it was, however, ultimately realized that no one had hacked into our systems. Every now and then there are some punks who try to hack into GEH servers but they turn out to be random kids wanting to get noticed. However, last week there was an aggressive attempt to get in. When we tried to trace the source it lead us nowhere and everywhere with a bot running its requests through a series of proxy servers across several locations. Nani's comment immediately made sense, it wasn't that she had hacked into our servers but wanted to warn us.

I get lost in thought looking out of the window trying not to dwell on it any further and follow Flynn's advice.

I hear a knock on my door and I roll my eyes. I know it's Ana, she just texted asking if she could come up. I wish she would just walk in but still does this.

"How can I help Miss Steele?" I smirk. She's walks in with a excited energy unable to control her giggling. Her cheeks are as pink as her dress at the moment.

"I've got gossip." She claps her hands like a little girl as she drags the chair closer to my table and rests her elbows on them.

I chuckle. "What's the gossip Miss Steele?"

"Okay, so I need you to listen with boyfriend ears and not CEO ears." She sasses but doesn't smile. Her blue are wide and willing me to concede to her.

"Okay fine."

"No, I need you to say it."

I roll my eyes and smirk. "I will only listen with boyfriend ears."

"Good... because this is, like really good." And she's off. Barney and his girlfriend Emily, who he worked so hard to woo... took the sucker four months to get the nerve to ask her out, broke up with him in early March because her ex came back into town and she realized she still had feelings for him. Needless to say, Barney took it pretty hard. He returned to his 'insufferable hoodie' ways as Ana calls it. However, she remained on his case, checking in on him every now and then and making sure he got didn't completely abandon all the hard work she'd put in when it came to his makeover. Late last week, Barney met Ana in her new office to set up her new office computer along with a new laptop with encryption so she could work from home if need be and still log into GEH servers securely.

"So Jose and Val are walk in and Barney is standing at my desk with his back to the door while we're talking and Val is stunned by the view for some reason cranes her neck around him and mouths 'who's that?' and immediately my brain goes 'ding ding ding!" she taps her temple with her index finger and it's so cute how invested she is. "...So I'm like, oh hey Barney, meet my friends Jose from legal and Valerie from acquisitions, guys this is Barney. He runs IT and R&D at GEH. Jose gives his usual handshake and nod and takes his lunch over to the couch and Val, DARLING VAL, was stunned, Christian. I have never seen Valerie Anne Clarke react to a man like that. I could swear, Barney held on to her hand a smidge longer." She giggles.

"Wasn't Val dating someone?"

"Marco? Oh he's toast. Didn't pass the test."

"What test?" This I want to know.

"You haven't graduated that level of girl talk yet." She smirks.

"I want to know." And I suddenly realize I sound Elliot.

"I'll tell you in a couple of years... now stop interrupting story time." She groans, I laugh and motion for her to continue. "SO, I just went down to 16th to say hi to Barney and I walk into his office and saw him and Val getting really friendly, if ya know what I mean..." She wiggles her eyebrows." So I quickly spun around before they could clock me and ran to Jose's office."

"Wait, you told Jose first?" I ask feigning irritation.

"I can't keep the Queen waiting, Christian. Remember, he's CEO of the gossip pool." She intones and I roll my eyes.

"Any way, so I'm telling him and guess what he said?"

"I can never guess what Jose says."

"He goes, 'if he can turn that bish's tunnel into a rubble then it's about god damn time, I'm sick of her bitching and moaning about Seattle not having any good dick."

We both burst out laughing and she almost falls out of her chair. I soon see tears falling out of her eyes as she tries to control herself.

"So Barney and Val? If they're Barney and Betty, what does that make us?" I ask.

"Given how fucking cute we are, Pebbles and Bam Bam. I mean it's the only obvious choice." We both laugh again.

"Still, I didn't know Barney had it in him. He's a good kid but hopeless as shit."

"Yeah, I know... but our very own Barnard James, II has got a new girlfriend. I have never seen Val act like this. Yesterday she was all dazed and smiley, not that she told us why. I have seen Valerie BARELY smile when she was the last two guys... or maybe the last two were just such a snooze. Can you imagine how cute their babies will be? I can't wait for them to get married." She claps.

"You rush everyone to the aisle and fucking delivery room but us." I grumble.

"UM, HELLO, I totally said we can get engaged and I already told you our babies names." She rolls her eyes and giggles. "So where my ring, huh?"

"I know, baby... and I love that you want to see the best in everyone."

I've already spoken to Kate about Ana's ring. I took her out to lunch at the Mile High Club with Elliot last week and got all the details I needed. The ring Kate showed me was incredibly simple and unique but also perfectly representative of Ana. A unique girl who loved the simple things in life. She loves sapphires and while talking to the Trevelyan family jeweler he told me the best sapphires in the world come from Kashmir, Sri Lanka and Burma along with a long list of other countries but I told him to make sure the sapphire he used was sourced from Kashmir instead. I know Ana will appreciate the gesture since it will honor her grandmother and mother in a small way. The ring will be ready before Memorial Day weekend but I've already got a plan in the works for the proposal. She will never see it coming.

"I really hope it works out. They're both good people and if they really get together then we have another trusted member to join our little group." She smiles.

"Let's see how it goes." I stand up and take off my jacket but before I sit down she walks over and gives me a hug, burying her face in my chest.

"Don't worry, ima give you allll the deets, Grey. I'll find out soon enough. I'll give you the watered down version though. Can't have you keeling over, given your old age." She murmurs and holds me tight.

"What's wrong baby?"

"Nothing, just wanted a hug. I'm feeling a little tired now."

I ask her what's wrong and she tells me that she gets a little sleepy around lunch time when fasting but that it only lasts about 30 minutes and then she gets into her flow state and becomes really focused, powering through a shit ton of work till about 6pm after which she starts feeling tired again. We move to the couch where she cuddles with me and I kiss her forehead and she closes her eyes for a bit.

"Baby, do you really have to fast? I don't like the idea of you not eating or drinking water."

"Christian, I know you worry but I'm fine. I've been doing this since I was 12 remember, and it really helps me mentally. The first couple of days were hard but now I'm used to it. I just wanted a hug from my man cause my energy level dipped a little. It's hard work laughing and making imaginary plans for friends." She giggles.

"How much time do you have?"

"About another 20 minutes till I have to go back."

"Good, then stay here and take a quick power nap." I tell her and hold her close burying my nose in my hair while I kiss it.

"Thank you, for letting me do this."

"Do what baby?"

"Letting me rest my head here and trusting me. I like listening to your heartbeat. It makes me feel safe." She says in a small voice.

I tip her head back and look into her eyes. She gives me a shy smile. I give her a chaste kiss and stroke her cheek.

"I'll always keep you safe, Ana."

She nods and lays her head again on my chest, while I rub her back. Pretty soon she's out like a light.

Thursday, May 14th, 2020

APOV

Ever since the family dinner, a few weeks ago; things have been in overdrive. Mr. Travis finally found an assistant he thinks will be a good fit. He's still a bit of a sourpuss about things but I promised him I could help out in an emergency if need be. I officially start working on the 20th floor in June. Till then, I have to help the new assistance with training and then Christian insisted I take two weeks off. The week of Kate's wedding and the week after. Why? I have no idea. It's not like I need it. I just rolled my eyes at him and agreed. I most definitely will not be taking off two weeks. That's ridiculous.

I've been interviewing assistants of my own and it's been weird. I've never had an assistant but I knew what I was looking for and for some reason I wasn't able to find it from the candidates HR was sending my way. I reached out to an old SIP colleague, Hannah Williams. We had gotten along really well before SIP bit the dust. She'd been there about a year and half and loved every minute of it. Her heart is in publishing but after SIP the competition was just too much and relocating would've cost too much for her. She still hadn't been able to get a job in the same field and was working in customer service at an insurance company as of late. I asked if she'd consider working with me at GEH in Philanthropy. She jumped at the chance and after an initial interview with HR and background check, she's set to be my assistant starting June. I'm excited. I won't be the only one in the trenches trying to figure this out, we can learn together and do some good.

I've had meetings with Grace and detailed phone calls with Mama to get a sense of how I want to approach all this. It's definitely been an education but I think I'm slowly figuring it out. Christian likes my ideas so far. He's given me carte blanche to do whatever but I told him there's no way I'm just throwing money at random organizations, I want his input and to be somewhat involved every now and then.

Ramadan has been interesting so far. I spend most of my lunch hours at the NICU cuddling adorable babies. Sometimes, I'll head up to Christian's office for a power nap but mostly I've been keeping busy. I've got a routine down. I'm alone a lot given Christian's schedule but it's okay. I keep myself occupied and given the Ramadan schedule, I'm usually in bed by 9:45pm because I have to wake up again to 3am to eat before the morning prayer and then I take another nap from 4:30 to 7am.

Christian, while not entirely happy with my engaging in 14-15 hour fasts with no food and water, has otherwise been supportive. It was hilarious when I suggested a 30 day sex fast and he damn near expired before I finished the sentence. He quickly googled that fact and read the sex was only prohibited during the fasting hours, and that my little joke was not appreciated. I made it up to him and soon it was all forgotten. Still, I'll never forget the look on his face.

It's not lost on me that I'm not a typical Muslim when it came to the fundamentals. I don't pray often. I'm living with a man before marriage and having waaay too much pre-marital sex. I'm also marrying someone outside of my faith. Christian and I talked about this recently and I told him that my faith was a personal choice that I never intended to impose on anyone. He doesn't believe in God and that's okay. Majority of our core values align and that was enough for me. I made the choice to convert when I was kid. It was never forced on me but more that I was inspired to. In the end my relationship with my faith and God was my own. As long as it brought me peace and gave me a sense of direction, that's all that mattered in the end. I do whatever I can and I try to do my best while doing it.

I don't fast everyday, there are some days when I don't wake up in time to eat before the morning prayer so that ends up being an off day for me. Christian's been incredibly respectful. It's was cute when he asked if he could try it out too but I said that in the interest of GEH not burning to the ground, it'd be best if not indulge in the practice of fasting. A hangry Christian is not someone I want or anyone else to meet. Still, he makes it a point to spend Iftar with me whenever he can and it means the world to me, even when on some occasions I've been a wretched gremlin right before it's time to break the fast.

FLASHBACK

Friday, May 8th, 2020

"You've barely said a word." Christian asks and I can hear the concern in his voice. I love him for it but I'm also supremely irritable right now.

"Yeah, just a little tired." I'm tired and I'm hungry. Today was a bitch and half. Some days, fasting is really hard and it hits me how privileged I am, now even more so and it makes grateful for all I have in life. During the four years at college, Ramadan would be a lonely time. Kate once tried fasting with me in solidarity but at the end of the fast the very first day it almost resulted in a murder-suicide for both of us. It really wasn't for her but she'd try to spend iftar with me on some days or take me out to dinner once a week. I try to focus on my breathing and continue prepare the dates and cut some fruit, while I sit next to him at the breakfast bar.

"Will you fast on Sunday, Mia is cooking mother's day brunch at Mom and Dad's."

"Yeah, she told me. She asked me to bring a dessert and no, I won't fast." I say and then quickly realize I'm wearing a scowl on my face and on cue I hear my stomach rumble.

"I heard that." He laughs.

"I'm sure all of Seattle did." I grumble.

"You should really let Gail do this for you. I don't know why you insist of doing this yourself after such a long day." He asks as he sips on his wine.

For some reason that sets me off because he keeps repeating this. I told him before to chill out and honestly, not that Christian really knows this but I really want Taylor to get Gail down the aisle and for that a sister needs date night often. Plus, I really like cooking, it keeps me grounded and it's like having some control in my life where everything is done for me. It makes me feel normal. I take a deep breath and turn to him. "Look, I love you... like really love and adore you but for the next..." I pick up my phone and check the time. "...for the next 25 minutes, I need you to just stay silent. Don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't even breathe. I need complete silence till I can eat something and return to being a normal and agreeable human being. Capiché?"

He bursts out laughing and I growl while releasing a breath.

"So this is Gremlin Ana?" He says trying to control his laughter and it makes me laugh too.

"I don't like you, infidel. Go away." I grumble and he laughs even louder.

FLASHBACK ENDS

I've been making some of my favorite South Asian treats to eat every now and then to slowly introduce him to how I grew up doing Ramadan with Nita and Nani. So far, he's liked everything. His favorite has been the almond and cashew filled dates with cream and/or dipped in chocolate with a helping of fruit salad that I make in addition to a small fried treats of fritters made with potatoes and onions that I love to eat with chili garlic sauce. I don't make treats often but since it's his first time experiencing it with me, I'm pulling out all the stops.

Grace and Carrick stopped by one evening for Iftar on a whim. She brought her famous pot roast and garlic mashed potatoes, while I made some potato fritters and fried some vegetable samosas along with dates and the fruit salad and almond halwa. Carrick loved every second of it while Grace kept count and reminded him of his cholesterol. It was wonderful having them over. Christian has started to relax a bit and enjoy the unscheduled visits from family. They feel more at ease now too, since I enable their unscheduled visits.

Preparations for Kate and Elliot's wedding are in full swing. Kate is completely hands off, she's too tired to plan anything but her wedding planner is on point so at this point, all of us just need to show up and look pretty while we party the day and night away. We had originally planned for the co-ed bachelor party in Vegas but Kate hasn't been feeling so great and not being able to fully party and get shit-faced is something she's not going to have fun missing out on. So Jose and I have planned a luxurious spa day at the Fairmont followed by a fancy ass dinner at the Mile High Club after which we'll go dancing at the Secret Garden next Saturday. The guys will join us too so we'll see how it all goes. Then on Sunday we have brunch with Grace and Grandma Margot where we'll have a NSFW bridal shower. I know Margot will love it but poor Grace, I'm not sure she's ready to wear a penis necklace. Jose is going to get me killed.

Barney and Val are going strong. A day after I walked in on them, not that they noticed, thank God... Jose and I cornered Val in the fire stairs during lunch time and demanded to know everything and Val giggled... GIGGLED like a schoolgirl. Jose and I looked at each other in absolute shock. Apparently, Barney is willing to be adventurous in bed and Val has found her happy place, quite literally. After meeting him in my office that day, she went down to 16th the next day at lunch time and straight up asked him out and now we're here. I did warn them both separately to not break the other's heart. I really hope they end up together for real.

My sessions with John have been increasingly intense. I see him twice a week and we have a call once a week. I've been having dreams that don't make sense. Just little flashes here and there but again, none of it makes sense. Some sessions it feels like we've taken a club to the last 7 years of my life and smashed it to pieces and we're now trying to see how to piece it back together and other times I'm unable to articulate what I'm feeling. I end up having intense dreams some nights. Christian will wake me up and I won't make sense to him because I'm speaking in Urdu. In some instances I actively cry out, like I'm in pain and in some I just quietly whimper. He holds me close after episodes like this and I quickly fall asleep again but the day that follows isn't great.

One night I had a somewhat calmer dream. It confused the hell out of me and I woke up crying, thankfully Christian didn't wake up but I snuck out of bed and went to the library and cried my heart out. Christian ended up finding me a little while later and held me.

I open my eyes and I look up at the bright blue sky. I realize I'm in SF in the backyard.

"You dozed off there for a while." Nani laughs.

"Sorry." I mumble smiling as I sit up right.

"I got some tea made and there's some apples and oranges."

I proceed to drink the tea and start peeling the oranges. We're sitting on the sheet laid out on the grass and catching up. I suddenly notice something in my periphery and see that it's Nana walking towards us, except, he's not he's not his old self but a younger version of who he was. He looks handsome.

"Mind if I join you beautiful ladies?" he asks with a genuine smile. I'm slightly taken aback. He has never complimented me, at least not in this way. The most he's ever said to me is MasAllah in appreciation as he placed his hand on my head while greeting him. There was never a proper acknowledgement that I looked pretty and I was strangely okay with that.

"Are you here to spy on us?" Nani sneers.

"Just making sure all is well." He laughs.

I give him a small smile and he sits down with us. He starts to peel oranges with me while Nani shares her tea with him. They talk about different things. I don't participate much but listen intently. Most of conversation takes place in Urdu.

"You know Aana, when I first met Aisha she didn't give me the time of day." He teases. I look at him wide-eyed. Playful Nana barely ever addressed me when he was alive so this is a little weird.

"She's always told me it was love at first sight." I blurt out.

"Good job, Aana. All these years I've kept him guessing and you just ruined all that." She lightly facepalms but smiles as she does. I giggle and Nana laughs.

"I knew it. You wanted me." He winks at her.

Nani rolls her eyes and throws an orange peel at him. I look at them both laughing and I sit confused. Why is he here?

"I'm confused." I say to him.

"What is confusing?"

"You are. You've always kept me at arms length and now you're here. Why?" I say with a little more force that I intended to.

He looks down and his lips form into tight line as he searches for his next words.

"I should probably get going. I've taken too much of your time. Aisha, I'll see you soon." He starts to get up and I jump up too.

"No, you need to tell me. Please." I plead and grab his hand.

He stops and turns to me then leans to kiss my forehead. "None of that matters, just remember how strong you are. Promise me that you will remember that." He looks down at me and smiles.

Tears form in my eyes and soon his face blurs out and I see him walk away from us and soon he disappears from view as he turns around the corner towards the front yard.

One thing John mentioned to me is that I let men who had were chose me and were a significant part of my life; essentially define my self-worth. Again, it's not that the chose me more like the accepted me as part of a packaged deal.

Ray accepted me because I was part of Carla's life. This was a positive experience that I no longer have access to.

Nana accepted me, well... I don't know if he really ever accepted me but again, I came with Ray and Nita made it clear that she was making me a part of her life. This was a fairly neutral experience.

Vishaal accepted me as a part of Nita's life and then... well, we all know how that story ended. This is my negative experience that rears it's ugly head every now and then.

When I put forth the argument that Christian chose me, John quickly countered that I also chose him. I chose to be with him, that he was the first man that I as an individual chose to make a part of my life in a profound way even though I tried to initially fight it given my issues with self-esteem. Christian may have noticed me and wanted to be with me but that wouldn't have been completely possible had I not chosen to be with him in return. For the first time I got to exercise my choice. Except, with that choice came all the residual frustrations and anger that I pour out in my fights with him and that this is why therapy was essential because in any disagreements or fights that we have, I take out all my frustrations and unresolved issues from my past experiences and hit him with full force.

My defense mechanism of running away is still prevalent. While I don't physically pick up and leave, when I shut down and lock myself up in my room, I'm essentially running away. I can't help it. It's the only way I feel safe. I need things that are mine; I need to be surrounded by some semblance of something that is only mine. John said I was 'othering' in a way, that I wasn't fully accepting my life with Christian and keeping one foot out the door. While, yes it was completely normal to have a space that was my own; it certainly did not mean I should use it to shut him out or run away from him. If I've accepted the premise of a life with him then when we fight, I shouldn't let it fester for days but work to actively resolve it so we can move forward.

I have my bad habits, I know. I need to change them and I'm trying but it's hard. Anytime I'm hit with conflict my first response is to shutdown so I don't feel the hurt. It's like the walls come crashing down and I need to quickly find an exit so I don't completely lose myself.

When I ran away to Portland, I sought to reinvent myself but I didn't really do that, or maybe I did. All I know is that my head has been heavy ever since I've been trying to make sense of all this in therapy and it's not easy. It's brutal because I'm met with more self-loathing and regret that I let this fester for too long, that I don't have the courage to face my demons head on.

It's led to some intense and honest conversations with Christian in the past few weeks and it's brought us closer. We both realize that our issues of control and identity are central to why we fight. We both want control in different forms. This is what our manipulations did to us and we have to move past it. I've got my work cut out for me but for the first time, I finally see how my life can really be and as scary as this all is, I need to be in a better place if I'm going to at all deal with all the shit that will implode once the Will is read because if I'm not in a good place then my relationship with Christian will suffer tremendously as well.

"What's that baby?" Christian brings me out of my reverie as I stare at the box in front of my on the dining table.

I look at it and try to find my words. "Um... " I'm suddenly having trouble forming a coherent thought after all this thinking. "...Sorry, this... um, Nani sent this. It's my Eidi."

"What's that?"

"Eidi is my gift for Eid. She has this tradition that she gets clothes made for all the men and women in the family and sends them in these beautifully gift wrapped boxes with matching bangles and some henna for the girls. I've gotten a box like this every year since Nita married Dad." I tell him.

I unwrap the box and find a beautiful embroidered shalwar kameez with a printed chiffon scarf and plain pink bangles along with a tube of henna. I pull out the shirt and hold it against me. It's white with light blue and pink thread work with a lace panel that had embroidered roses on it.

"It looks beautiful." He says. I slowly nod and put it back in the box.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Something's on your mind. Talk to me baby." He leans in to give a small kiss as his thumb traces shapes on my cheek.

He's right. There is something on my mind and it makes my heart heavy.

"I have feeling this will be the last time that Eid will be like this. After the 3rd quarter, we won't or more so I won't be able ever celebrate anything like this because I will tear the family apart."

"Hey... look at me. You're not doing anything wrong. You've suffered long enough. They all need to know the truth. They deserve to know."

I silently nod. "I know... but the gravity of what this years holiday means isn't lost on me. This is the first Eid since Nana's death, I know Nani misses him a lot along with Nita and then next year it will be fractured."

He pulls me in for a hug and I melt into him. "Will everyone be there?"

"Yep, no one misses Eid. Uncle Arsh will fly in from India and Uncle Rish and Alia Khala will be there too so you'll officially meet them in boyfriend capacity. Uncle Rish has a habit of making really corny dad jokes so just take them in stride and Alia Khala is a little too enthusiastic so she might try to make you eat a lot but don't worry, I'll try to keep her at bay." I laugh. Christian is definitely not ready for the full force of Alia Khala.

"Thanks for the heads up, baby." He chuckles.

"Look, you honestly have an out. I know with Kate and Elliot's wedding on Saturday and then flying out for Eid the next day for just a couple of hours in SF only to fly back the same night to will be hectic... not to mention taking out the boat the day after for Memorial day."

"No, I want to experience this with you and I don't want you going there alone when you don't have to. You did it for 4 years, not anymore." He says with finality while looking into my eyes. "Besides, I want to hear more embarrassing stories about you. I'm sure Rish and Alia have some."

I roll my eyes. "Dream on, Grey."

We take a bath and end up in bed. Most of it is a blur to me since I'm so tired. Christian starts to shower me with kisses all over my face and neck making me giggle.

"Mr. Grey, this tickles."

"Deal with it Miss Steele. It's been a shitty week and I need my fill of you." He growls.

"Work getting to you?"

"A little bit. I can't wait till Ramadan is over and you're officially working on 20th."

"What am I, a stress ball?"

"Was there any doubt?" He smirks.

"I knew it. You're just using me for my body. Perv." I laugh and wrap my arms around his neck, entwining my legs in his.

"Freak." he says and he kisses me hard. "No but it'll be nice to be able to walk into your office to take a breather when shit is hitting the fan."

"I'll hold up the umbrella, Mr. Grey." I give him a small kiss.

"Isn't that a song or something? Mia used to the sing the shit out of it way back when..."

"You know how old you sound when you say that?" I laugh and he lightly bites my jaw. "I used to love it too and Ray would hate it because I would turn it up and go ella ella ellaaaaa with my horrible squeaky voice." I giggle.

"I sympathize with him completely." He smirks.

Authors Note: Memorial day weekend adventures are up next with Kate and Elliot's wedding and Eid in SF

Pinterest: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ Chapter 64

Music:

Umbrella - Rihanna.