HE MONTHLY JAMESTOWN GAZETTE (continued…)
July 15, 10 NE
CRIME REPORT
by Sheriff Earl Carter
June 30, 11:15 PM – Curfew Violation. Two teenagers were cited for violating curfew and trespassing on the chapel, where they were found to be making indecent use of the pews. Because of their youth, their names are being withheld from the crime report, but they were required by the court to pay a small fine and advised to consider the potential long-term consequences of their actions. The pews have been thoroughly sanitized.
July 5, 9:55 PM – Skipped Tab. Tommy Two Toes was reported to have skipped his tab at Linda's Tavern on the night of July 10. He was apprehended outside the dormitory and forced to pay what little he possessed. The remainder of his tab will have to be worked off through additional hours of labor, for which his wages will be garnished by order of the court.
BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENTS
Rafael (Ray) Caesar Dominguez was born on July 6, 10 NE to proud parents Santiago and Sarah Dominguez. The big little boy weighted in at 9 pounds, 7 ounces and was 21 inches long. He is reported to be in fine health. Ray Dominguez has dark brown hair, chocolate brown eyes, and the defining characteristic of a cleft chin. He is the younger brother to Raul Dominguez. Welcome to Jamestown's newest addition!
Margaret Carol Compton was born on July 10, 10 NE to proud parents Alden and Ivy Compton at Oceanside. She weighed in at 8 pounds, 4 ounces and reached 19 inches long. The child, who will be called Maggie, was named in honor of the former leader of the Hilltop where ex-Savior Mr. Alden Compton chose to settle after the Alliance's War with the Saviors concluded in 2 NE. Little Maggie has blue eyes and sandy brown hair.
OBITUARIES
Tammy Rose Sutton, one of the original citizens of the Hilltop Colony, passed away peacefully in her sleep of a suspected heart attack on June 16, 10 NE. She was seventy-one years old at the time. For the past five years, Tammy Rose has served faithfully as the head gardener of the Hilltop Colony. Tammy Rose is survived by her beloved husband Earl Sutton. A funeral service was held on June 19, and Tammy Rose was buried beside former friends in the Hilltop's graveyard.
ENGAGEMENTS
Anika Dogarah and Adahay Chotka recently announced their wedding plans. The couple will wed in the Jamestown chapel on July 16, 10 NE, in a small ceremony with family and friends. No public reception is planned.
Kyle Lee, of the Alexandria Safe-Zone, and Sarah Wilson, formerly of the Kingdom and then a resident of the Hilltop have announced their engagement. They will be married in a ceremony at St. Richard's Church at the Hilltop on August 5, 10 NE with a reception to follow in the town square. A second smaller reception will follow in Alexandria, where the couple will settle in Mr. Lee's room of House #10.
Commander James Witherspoon and Devon Anderson happily announce their engagement. The couple will be married on August 12, 10 NE onboard the Susan Constant, with a reception to follow at Linda's Tavern. Free iced tea will be available at the reception, which will otherwise be pay-your-own way. The reception will feature live music from both The Mason Brothers Band and Captain McBride and the Four Seamen. The wedding and reception are open invitation, but please RSVP if you plan to attend either.
GOSSIP COLUMN
by Trisha Davies, Assistant Tavern Manager
You may have read in the engagement announcements that Anika Dogarah, who joined Jamestown after the Great Kingdom Migration, and Adahay Chotka, one of our original Jamestowners and brother to new Councilwoman Inola Chotka Smith, are finally going to tie the knot! A little birdie told us there might have been a surprise but happy motivation to finally get those nuptials underway, and we can expect another addition to Jamestown's bundles of joy in March of 11 NE!
There must be something in the water, because that's not the only March baby on the way! Another little birdie told us that Deputy Dianne Hamilton is pregnant, which no doubt comes as a great surprise to the expectant father, Farm Manager Gunther Hamilton, who had the snip snip in the Old World. Dr. Ahmad testifies that such a reversal of fortunes is a one in million chance. (More or less.) With those odds, Gunther should buy a lotto ticket!
Speaking of hitting the lotto, Linda's Tavern is now in possession of a newly scavenged, unopened, 750 ml bottle of Woodford Kentucky Bourbon. What a find! A 1.5 ounce pour will run you four rounds of ammo or five cigarettes worth of tobacco. Be sure to stop by before it sells out.
Wedding bells are in the air! On July 2, Connie Coleman wed Lieutenant-Commander Alvarado onboard The Discovery in a humble yet elegant ceremony. The couple enjoyed a three-day honeymoon at the Oceanside Bed & Breakfast before Lieutenant-Commander Alvarado had to return to resume his duties as a newly elected councilman.
Rumor is that Jamestown is about to lose a resident. Refugee Magna Hilker is leaving us for the Hilltop next week, where she plans to join the Hilltop militia to kill walkers that have been encroaching on the external farmlands. Could there be another motive for her move? A certain feisty female member of Hilltop's triumvirate, for instance? Only time will tell.
Ladies, watch out! There's a new bachelor coming to Jamestown, and he'll be staying for a full three weeks. In August, recent widow Mr. Earl Sutton will be coming to Jamestown as part of the Alliance's new knowledge-share program. Mr. Sutton is Hilltop's head blacksmith, and he's discovered a more efficient way to smelt metals (or whatever exciting thing it is blacksmiths do). Anyway, he's going to be sharing that knowledge with our own blacksmith and his journeyman and teaching them new tricks of the trade before returning to the Hilltop. Mr. Sutton is by all reports a distinguished gentleman in his early 70s, a hard worker, and an adviser to the Hilltop's triumvirate, the perfect sort of match, for, say, an active, recently single businesswoman in her late 60s? Wink. Wink, Linda.
HOG ISLAND HUNTING EXPEDITION PROPOSED
by Connie Alvarado, Editor and Chief Reporter
At an open town hall meeting last Thursday, hunter Daryl Dixon proposed that, in its next trip to mine the Hampton Salt Ponds, the Jamestown Navy stop to investigate the Hog Island Wildlife Management Area. The Old World wildlife area is located southeast of Jamestown, adjoining Cobham Bay, and may be overrun by wild game from the former preserved lands.
If the presence of extensive wild game is discovered in the former preserve, Mr. Dixon proposes that a joint venture be undertaken by hunters, fishermen, and butchers from all four communities of the Alliance, along with militia members who will secure a perimeter and provide protection against any walkers drawn by fire from the hunters. As much as possible, the hunters will rely on bows and spears, but some hunting will occur with silenced rifles and, where security can be provided, shotguns.
A team would gather in Jamestown on August 25 and sail on Susan Constant to the wildlife area, where it will hunt, fish, clean, and butcher for three days. The cleaned and butchered game will be salted and temporarily stored in coolers until it can be returned to Jamestown, where the meat will be smoked and preserved and later re-distributed to the four communities at the November trade fair.
When asked what game he expects to find at the former preserve, Mr. Dixon answered, "Bear, deer, elk, turkey. Maybe get some good northern pinesnake. Rattlesnake. Folks from Oceanside could do some frog giggin', too. Wildlife brochure says Virginia is for Frogs."
Mr. Dixon's hunting partner Mitch Robinson warmly supported the idea. "I honestly don't know why someone didn't think of investigating that preserve sooner," he said. "It isn't even that far down the river. We would have major emergency meat reserves after a hunting trip like this. And if that preserve really is overrun, we'll be doing the animals a service, because they'll soon starve if we don't thin out the population." Former councilman and bird hunter Barry Borowitz was equally enthusiastic about the plan: "I think we'll find quail, pheasant, grouse, duck, and geese."
Commander James Witherspoon, who also serves as Jamestown's fishing manager, says, "We're expecting to find muscles there as well. We should have some excellent shellfish when we return. As for fish, we're hoping to find bass, bluegill, walleye, trout, herring, and catfish. I think we can all expect a feast for Founding Day this year." Founding Day is the third Tuesday in November and will be held this year shortly after the conclusion of the annual fall trade fair at Oceanside. "Maybe the traders will come back with a lot of Hilltop wine and Candyshine to accompany the feast," the commander suggested.
ALLIANCE NEWS
by Foreign Correspondent Kelly Coleman
St. Carl's Church had its grand opening at Oceanside on July 3, 10 NE. Father Gabriel Stokes, who began organizing the church plant before settling at Oceanside with his new bride, Stephanie Burns, gave a rousing sermon upon its inauguration. "Churches have now been established in all four communities of the Alliance," Father Gabriel said. "It's great to see God at work in a broken a world." Father Gabriel went onto to say that he's planning on hosting an ecumenical council meeting at the November trade fair. "It will be chance for pastors, priest, imams, rabbis, and gurus from all over the Alliance to gather and discuss the spiritual needs of our individual communities and the Alliance as a whole."
Alexandria has begun construction on a distillery that will serve the three-fold purpose of producing larger batches of the popular alcoholic beverage CandyShine, turning out sanitizer, and producing ethanol for powering ethanol-fueled motorcycles, mopeds, and small, all-train-vehicles. Bottles of the new sanitizer, marketed as CandyClean, will be available for trade at the November fair at Oceanside. "Oh, y'all are going to love my CandyClean," entrepreneur Candy Porter told reporters. "You can carry a little bottle when you're out scavenging to keep your hands germ free. You can use it to sanitize your medical instruments. You can even use it to clean your kitchen counter! We're going to tackle germs together! That's my new motto for CandyClean."
In conjunction with the distillery project, the Hilltop has begun plowing on a new external field, which will be fenced in with barbwire, to grow an additional fifteen acres of corn to exclusively supply the Alexandria distillery in return for a cut of the production. Other communities may purchase CandyShine, CandyClean, or CandyPower (ethanol) through order-by-mail. "Please allow at least two weeks for delivery," Candy Porter says, "at least until my husband can build us a helicopter." When asked if her husband was working on building a helicopter, Mrs. Porter replied, "No, of course not. Don't be ridiculous. But Eugenie is thinking about trying to get a longer-range radio up and running that will reach Jamestown."
CLASSIFIEDS
Personals
Attractive single male, age 29, seeks single female, age 18-39, for romantic connection, conversation, long walks on the beach, and whatever that might lead to. Contact Seaman Steven Riggs.
Widowed woman with a clean criminal record seeks a committed relationship with a good provider. Contact Susan Miller.
Nine-year-old girl seeks penpal. Boy or girl, age 8-11. Just be entertaining and don't be gross. My mom wants me to practice writing more. Write Judith Grimes, House #7, Alexandria, Virginia.
Help Wanted
Laundry, light housework, and occasional cooking in exchange for tobacco. I'm getting on in years and it's getting more difficult. Contact Maude Weatherby in the Indian Village.
Goods and Services Offered
Handmade furniture artistically carved with a pattern of your choosing. Chairs, tables, doors, shutters, stools, and more. Negotiable rates. Contact Dante in the Indian Village.
Headed somewhere in the Alliance? When you dock at Oceanside, be sure to stop by Henry's Pub for drinks and dinner, Thursday - Saturday, or grab a drink at Henry's Tiki Bar Wednesday - Sunday. To-go baby food jars of rum, vodka, and CandyShine are available to take home.
Need a vacation? Oceanside Bed & Breakfast has you covered. Spacious bedrooms, shared living room and kitchen, homemade breakfast every morning. Guests from Alexandria and Hilltop may make their reservations by radio. Reservations by post for guests from Jamestown. Seven rounds of ammo a night, or equivalent.
Goods and Services Wanted
Baseball cards. Will trade you a guy in a blue hat for a guy in a red hat. Contact Hershel Rhee, Old Mansion, Room 6, Hilltop.
POETRY
A Haiku on Letting Go
Spring chases summer,
Forgetting old winter's love.
Wedding bells ring out.
- Mitch Robinson
A Poem for Dwight
Old wounds heal slowly,
but our new home has a hearth
where fire burns against the night.
Let's forget that we were once lowly
slaves who kneeled on blood-cold earth
and bask instead in the warmth of light.
- Sherry Amelio
CHILDREN'S JOKES
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lena.
Lena who?
Lena little closer, and I'll tell you another joke.
- Submitted by Hershel Greene, Hilltop Colony, age 8
Why do walkers never eat comedians?
They taste funny!
- Submitted by Judith Grimes, Alexandria, age 9
What's black and white and red all over?
A skunk in a blender.
- Submitted by Gary Barron, Jamestown, age 5
Why did the walker stay home from school?
He felt rotten!
- Submitted by Gracie Marquand, Alexandria, age 8