We've skipped forward three months, so let's see the difference in our little Bella…

Hereafter
Chapter 25.

February 1st, 2019
Bella.

"Good morning, sunshine."

It was exactly nine o'clock and Edward had arrived to take over from Charlie. We had made this plan a few weeks ago when Charlie had to return to work - Edward will come to the house, we'll do something for a few hours, and then at one-thirty when Charlie finished his shift, Edward will log in on his laptop and get some of his own work done. I hated the idea of Charlie going back to work, but thankfully he was able to have a phased return and so he would work three to four days a week and his shifts only lasted for a few hours. Maybe when I return to work I could do the same thing? I asked them that question often, but they never give me an honest answer.

"Good morning." I smiled up at Edward and then returned to my second bowl of cereal. After Christmas, Angela got in touch with a food specialist, Heidi, to help me with my diet and how I could gain weight in a healthy manner. I now have a schedule to work by - the times stay the same, but the meals always differ. We were still working on my fear foods, however I had included some new dishes into my diet, and so I could now stomach milk and other dairy products.

Edward dropped his bag beside the kitchen table and then sat opposite me. He wore a large, proud smile on his face like he always did when he saw my progress. I had gained seven pounds since the New Year - apparently if I consume an extra thousand calories a day (or more), I will gain roughly one pound per week. So far I was doing well, however eating such a vast amount of food was difficult, and I was constantly scared that my body would reject it again. I had noticed the difference in my muscles though - I was given daily exercises to complete which had strengthened up the muscles in my arms and legs and now I could climb stairs by myself. My biggest achievement, however, was one of the top things on my bucket list.

I now have the ability to take Luna for a walk.

We can't go far, and usually I end up asking to go back once we've passed two houses, but it is still an achievement and I still can't believe that I can do it.

"How did you sleep?"

"Good." I took a spoonful of cereal, chewed it and then swallowed it. "Do you… feel better?" Edward had been suffering with a serious case of man flu, but his eyes looked brighter today, so I hoped that meant that he felt better.

He shrugged. "I'm still slightly congested, but the worst of it is over." Edward stood from the table, probably to make himself a coffee. "Would you like some fruit now, or would you rather wait until after the walk?"

My daily meals do change, but I am allowed to eat fruit as much as I want. Heidi would like me to introduce toast into my snacks, but she is okay with my sticking with fruit for now. "After." I replied quietly.

Two months ago I was diagnosed with something called 'Selective Mutism'. I know how to talk, but on most occasions I chose not to. Charlie, Edward and Angela had their suspicions that this is what I have, so they weren't surprised when the diagnosis came back. A basic way of describing the phobia is:

"The ability to talk at home with family, but not in public or social situations, including school, university, with colleagues or strangers - anywhere or anyone who isn't in their safety zone."

I remember asking Angela about my speech and whether I'd ever be able to speak full sentences again, or even hold a proper conversation with someone. She couldn't give me a definite answer. She was completely honest with me when she said that my phobia, and the mental block I have when it comes to words, may stick with me for the rest of my life. That made me cry, and ironically enough I stopped talking all together for several days following. She said that the area of the brain which controls fear is the amygdala, and that it is the same part which also controls your emotions. Your fight or flight response fires up when you witness something that scares you, and my response is to stop talking all together. Perhaps in time I will learn to get over it, but we'll just need to wait and see.

My musings were interrupted by the sound of footsteps as Charlie made his way into the kitchen dressed in his uniform. He and Edward shared 'good morning's as he filled up his coffee flask and then gave me a kiss on the head.

"I'll be home by one-thirty, okay?" Even though he came home at the same time every day, I always needed to be told. "Have a good day, and I'll see you later. Love you."

"Love you."

The usual uneasy feeling appeared and it wouldn't leave until Charlie returned home.

"So," Edward started once the cruiser had driven away. "I have a plan for today… What if we took a trip down to the bookstore and you can see your old work friends?"

Along with the short walks I had started to leave the house every so often, but it was never anything major. Once we simply drove to Thriftway, walked into the supermarket, and then drove home again. The residents of Forks no longer gave me any bother or made a big deal whenever they saw me, instead they would offer me a smile, asked how I was doing, and then left us to it. I was still to visit my old house and, until today, I hadn't been to the bookstore. I longed to go there, so perhaps today was the day.

"When?"

"Well, I think it would be best we did this instead of your walk - you'll be on your feet for the same amount of time and so I don't want to tire you out. So we can go after breakfast if you'd like to?"

I took a minute to think over every tiny detail. How busy will the place be? Who will be working there? What if they have hired new members of the team? What if there wasn't a place to park outside the store and we had to walk a long distance? It wasn't a simple case of deciding whether or not I wanted to go somewhere - I had to dissect every little piece and ask myself all the questions that came along with it.

"What if I…" need to "…go home?"

Edward and Charlie were now experts at translating my broken sentences. I don't know how they do it, to be honest. "If we arrive and you find that it's too much we will head straight back home. You don't have to do this, Bella, however I think it might be beneficial for you."

"Luna?"

"Luna will be with you the entire time. She will have her harness on and it will be training for her, too." Apart from driving to the supermarket, Luna hadn't been in a public place with me before, and so it will be a new thing for both of us. I keep forgetting that she is allowed to go with me anywhere. We don't allow dogs into the store and so I think it will be strange to walk in there with one.

"Bella," I caught Edward's gaze. "Would you feel better if I rang them and announced your arrival? Maybe then they won't overreact and could perhaps empty the store for us coming?"

Yes, yes I would much prefer that.

I had barely nodded my head before Edward had his phone in his hand. "What is the manager called again?"

"Gloria." I couldn't help but smile at the name. Gloria had always been so lovely to me and I missed her warm hugs.

My feet tapped against the floor in anticipation. The phone rang and Edward had it on speaker so that I could also hear the conversation. A lady answered the phone, I didn't recognize her voice. Edward asked if he could speak to Gloria, and thirty seconds later the sweetest of voices filled the room.

"Good morning, this is Gloria."

"Hi there, my name is Edward Cullen; I am phoning on behalf of Bella Swan. I was just wondering whether it would be possible for her to come down and see you at some point today?"

Gloria gasped from the other side of the line. When she spoke again you could hear the pure emotion in her voice. "My sweet Bella… Absolutely, please, please bring her down to see me."

My own tears became present in my eyes. I wish I could work there again.

"I thought you would say that. Bella is still very much in recovery and so there is a high chance that she may not manage the trip, however I wanted to inform you first."

"Of course - whatever she needs. I have been dying to drop by the house, but I didn't want to cause any unnecessary stress."

"Thank you, Gloria. We'll aim to leave the house within the next hour if that is okay with you?"

"That sounds perfect. I'll be looking forward to seeing you both."

I took a minute to sit in silence after the call had ended. It meant so much to me that Gloria had wanted to visit and I wondered whether I would have reacted negatively before now. There was no way of knowing, and even now, despite how excited I am to see everyone again, who knows what will happen when I get into the car?

Edward joined me in the living room. He placed a glass of water down onto the table and dropped half of a white pill into the palm of my hand. "I'll give you half the dosage now, and then you can take the other half when we get home, okay?"

I agreed and swallowed back the pill.

I wasn't keen on the medication when my doctor first prescribed me with it - the side effects messed with my body and my head, and they gave me a seriously upset stomach for the first couple of weeks. Now that I am used to them, I can see the negative side effects in my head when I miss a dosage. I was prescribed Sertraline - an antidepressant which is meant to increase the serotonin in your brain and it helps fight off anxiety disorders. When I take my full dosage I become very drowsy, hence the reason why Edward only gave me half just now. I usually take a nap at midday anyway, so it works out perfectly.

I listened to some music as Edward let Luna out into the backyard to use the bathroom. As my music played I went through my daily muscle exercises; most of it I can do from the couch, but I needed Edward's help with the squats. I stretched out one leg in front of me and proceeded to bend it at the knee and brought my leg as close to my chest as I could get it. I repeated that same action five times before changing it over to my other leg. Once my legs were done I went on to do some shoulder rolls, and then one-by-one I would stretch my arms across my chest and hold them there for a few seconds.

"Time for the squats?" Edward automatically held out his hands to help me up from the couch. I had the ability to stand and sit by myself, but they were so used to helping that they almost forgot I didn't need it anymore.

We stood a good distance apart from each other so that our arms were fully stretched out in front of us but I could still hold onto his hands. Once I was ready I would squat down as far as my body allowed me to, and then using Edward as an aid, I would bring myself back up again. Like with the legs, I would repeat that action five times. My muscles always felt shaky after those exercises, but I took that as a good sign - my body was getting stronger.

Edward didn't ask me whether I was okay with leaving the house and instead went straight into clipping on Luna's harness. The more I question an action the more likely it is that I would back out of it, so it's always best to go ahead with the operation unless I say otherwise. I still have issues trusting people's words, however I now know that Edward and Charlie wouldn't want to hurt me, and so if they said something will be okay I usually believed them.

Like with any trip, no matter how far we're going, Edward packed a bag with a few essential items just incase an issue arises. These included: a bottle of water, some sort of high calorie snack, my headphones, my medication, a pad of paper and pen, and a first aid kit. The kit is for an emergency - if I lost my balance, or if I had a panic attack and fainted, it was best to have a kit there incase I needed one. Along with those items he also packed some things for Luna. Service dogs are trained not to go to the bathroom unless they are at home or I say otherwise, however Luna is still a puppy and if she needs to go, she needs to go.

"You must be excited to see Gloria again, right?" Edward asked once we were all strapped into the car.

"Yeah."

It didn't matter how excited I was - the panic never vanished and it only seemed to get worse as we got closer and closer to our destination.

"Now, just while it's only you and me in the car, is there anything you are wanting to say to Gloria, or ask her? I'll be more than happy to do the talking for you."

There was so much that I wanted to ask her, and so much that I wanted to say. I wasn't even sure whether I could manage to tell Edward everything that was going on inside my head.

"Tell her… I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" He laughed and switched on his blinker. "What are you sorry about?" Once the coast was clear, Edward pulled the car over in one swift movement and found a place to park up against the curb.

"Sorry for… leaving."

"Oh, love." He reached for my hand and gave it a light squeeze. "You have such a big heart."

Yeah, maybe if I didn't have such a big heart I wouldn't be in this situation and I wouldn't have offered my help to Victoria.

I chose to ignore that statement.

"Ask her… if she… is okay."

"I can do that. Anything else?"

No.

Well, I had more questions floating around, however the barrier had appeared.

Edward must have caught onto that, because once we were out of the car he called out Luna's commands to save me from doing so myself.

"Side…" She shuffled around and found her spot beside me. "Good girl. Walk."

My hands were sweating, my heart was pounding and my legs felt like jelly. One hand held Luna's leash and Edward held the other. I wanted to do this, I wanted to go inside, but I didn't at the same time. Everything will be okay once we walk through that door… but until that happens every fear made itself known to me.

I'm okay, I'm okay; everything is fine.

We reached the shop but I refused to look inside.

"Are you okay?"

My response was an odd mix between a shake and a nod.

"Would you like me to go in before you?"

"Stay." I whispered so that only Edward could hear me.

"I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. I won't let go of you until we get back to the car."

After standing there for a minute, I finally found the courage to go inside. Edward stuck to his promise and went before me, but he never let go of my hand. Luna stood beside me the entire time. A chime of a bell rang as the door was opened fully - it appeared so loud in my ears that it was almost like when a siren raced past you. There were so many new noises to deal with. How the hell was I going to cope when I return to work?

"Hey, how can I help you?" The high-pitched voice of the cashier made me wince my eyes shut. She was the one who had answered the call originally when Edward phoned. I didn't recognize her so she must have been new. Maybe she was hired to take my place? Did that mean that I didn't have a place here anymore? But… I want to come back…

"We're here to see Gloria?" Edward let go of my hand briefly in order to put his full arm around my shoulders. He must have felt my shaking.

Luna also picked up on my sudden change.

I want to go home.

"Oh, you're the guy who I spoke to earlier! Sure, I'll just get her for you." She sounded far too excited for my liking. I already hated her for taking my job.

"Hey, let's go and stand over here where it is quieter." I allowed Edward to lead me over to another part of the store away from the windows and the few customers who were in here. "You are doing so well!" He whispered.

If only he knew what was really going on inside.

I think this was a mistake.

"Bella?"

The sound of Gloria's caring voice made me want to cry. I wanted to see her so badly, but I couldn't work out why she had replaced me. Sure I can't work right now, but it won't be too long, will it? We have enough staff to cover for me. They didn't need to bring in that high-pitched lady.

I stole a look at Gloria - she looked just the same as she always did, however her eyes were brimming with fresh tears. In the years that I had worked here I never once saw her cry.

"Thank you for bringing my girl back to me." She patted Edward's shoulder and then turned her gaze back towards me. "I have been looking forward to this day for so many months."

Instead of using my words, I had Gloria follow my finger as I pointed down to the new patch that had been attached to Luna's harness. It was another awareness patch, just incase I was alone and needed medical assistance.

SELECTIVE MUTISM: I may not be able to speak but I can hear and understand you.

"Okay my sweetheart. I don't need you to say anything - just seeing your beautiful face is enough for me."

Edward took over as my voice. He always knew what to say.

"Her father and I are so proud with how far Bella has come these last few months, and coming here today means so much to all of us. She speaks so highly of yourself and her job." He gave my shoulders a squeeze. "Before we came here today I asked Bella if there was anything that she would like to say to you, and first off she would like to ask how you are?"

Gloria let out a laugh. "Of course she would put others before herself. But to answer your question, I am doing just fine. I had many sleepless nights, but to see you standing here before me makes everything better."

I found enough courage to look up at Gloria, pass her a smile and then focused back on the floor again.

"She would also like to apologize for leaving."

I watched her feet as she altered her stance.

"Now, let me tell you something, my sweetheart." I stole another look, and this time I watched her eyes as she completed her sentence. "I had a feeling that something was wrong when you didn't turn up for work that morning; it was so out of character for you, and so I left the store to go and see if I could help. I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but I was the one who raised the alarm and phoned your father for help, and not once was I angry or disappointed in you. You have absolutely no reason to apologize, but I just want you to promise me that you will look after yourself and take all the time you need."

She was right - I didn't know she had phoned Charlie when I disappeared. She could have gotten into a lot of trouble for leaving the store during opening hours, but she had risked all of that for me? Why would she do that?

"Thank you so much for your help." Edward replied for me. "Bella, is there anything else you would like to say or ask?"

There was one question that I wanted to ask. I wasn't sure whether it was worth it or not, however I didn't see any problem in trying. With one hand I acted out the universal sign for writing and without a word Edward slipped the bag off of his back to locate the pen and paper. I quickly scribbled down my question.

Can my dog stay with me when I come back to work?

Gloria didn't answer me straight away. She shared a look with Edward, however I couldn't work out what it meant. With a sigh she said: "I'm sure your dog will be a wonderful member of the team. I'll let Charlie decide what is best when it comes to you returning."

I didn't like the sound of that. It was almost like she was telling me what I wanted to hear, instead of telling me the truth. Does that mean that I can't come back? I'm not well enough to do my job again? I understand that the speaking will be a big problem, but I could stack shelves!

I really want to go home now.

I didn't pay them any attention as Edward said goodbye and promised Gloria that we will return again at some point. I refused to offer any more smiles or accept the hug that she wanted to give me. I just wanted to go home and sulk in peace.

Of course leaving was not as easy as that. The annoying lady from before grabbed Edward's attention as we made our way towards the door.

"Are you new to the town? I haven't seen you around here before."

I wanted to tell her that it didn't matter if Edward was new or not. He was here for me and no-one else.

Unfortunately Edward is too polite to ignore someone when they ask him a question.

"Er, yeah; I moved here a few months ago." We continued to walk which should have given her the hint that he wasn't interested in talking, however this lady was clearly too stupid to realize that.

"Awesome! Well my name is Lauren - here is my number if you ever want me to show you around."

"Thanks Lauren, but I'm pretty busy right now."

That upset me more than I thought it would. It should have pleased me that Edward didn't want to waste his time with her, but the fact that he said he was 'too busy' made me feel like a burden. I don't blame Lauren for trying - he is a sweet, attractive guy - but I'd never be lucky enough to have any sort of relationship. I was stopping Edward from finding all of that or starting his life with someone. All because I couldn't be left alone for five minutes…

I remained quiet for the entire journey home, not once acknowledging his words.

It was almost eleven o'clock by the time we got home which meant that it was time for my first proper snack. I made myself comfy on the couch and located my headphones from inside the bag. I didn't want to be angry at Edward, however I couldn't control how I felt. Perhaps going to the store was too much for me - I clearly was not ready for something as major as that.

As the music played through the headphones, I allowed my eyes to close to completely submerge myself into the zen that Einaudi brought with beautiful, calming piano playing. I don't know how long I sat like that for, but when I opened my eyes I noticed the small plate of food that Edward had made up for me. It consisted of some strawberries and chocolate chip cookies. I don't know whether it was Edward's sweet gesture or the emotional music that had caused me to cry, but as soon as the tears started I couldn't stop them.

I felt so selfish for holding Edward back.

I felt so worthless.

But most of all I felt so scared. What was going to happen to me? How was I supposed to live a life like this?

How is anyone supposed to live a valued life when they need to spend all of their time looking after me? Edward can't even work properly just incase I need him for something.

I can't get a job, I can't provide a solid income, and I can't even hold a damn conversation. What use am I to anyone?

I'm nothing anymore.

From the corner of my eye I noticed Edward rounding the couch and taking a seat on the edge of the table. His face was full of concern and he was saying something to me but I couldn't hear what he was saying. I slipped off my headphones and let them rest around my neck.

"Why are you crying, Bella? Can you tell me what has happened?"

"I'm… fine."

"No, you're not fine. Please tell me what is wrong."

I wondered how he would feel if I told him the real reason; if I told him exactly what I had just been thinking. I wondered whether or not he would judge me for being jealous of that stupid bitch Lauren. Jealous that she found talking so easy, that she effortlessly handed over her number and flirted without a care in the world.

"I'm tired." It wasn't a complete lie. I was tired - sick and tired of these negative, depressed thoughts that cloud my brain twenty-four-seven. I am tired of feeling like this.

"What happened at the store today?" I refused to answer. "Bella, I am so sorry if that was too much for you; I honestly thought that you would enjoy seeing your work friends again. I should have thought it over properly. I'm sorry."

"I…" No, no I couldn't say that.

"Yes? What were you going to say?"

I don't belong there anymore. - That is what I was going to say.

Instead I acted as though everything was fine. "I… liked it." I liked seeing Gloria, but that was about it.

I don't think Edward believed me, because he was quick to change the subject. He asked me to eat some of my snack and then he would give me the second half of my pill. As I ate the food and swallowed back my pill, Edward brought out a pillow and blanket in order for me to get comfy and fall asleep. Luna curled herself up on the floor beneath me, and once the yawning had begun, I settled myself down to sleep.

Edward tucked the blanket around me and whispered soothing words as he brushed back my hair. "I'm so proud of you. This morning was difficult, but you managed it. You can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it." He finished it off with a kiss on my forehead.

I wondered whether he saw the smile that it caused.

0-0

I woke up to the sound of Charlie coming home from work.

I still felt off, but I definitely felt better than before.

Edward had made himself comfy on one of the other chairs, his laptop was balanced on his lap.

"How you doin', kiddo?" Charlie brushed my hair like he used to do when I was a child. He fell back against the couch with a loud sigh - it must have been a hard day for him too.

"Bella and I went on a trip today." Edward smiled over at me.

"Oh yeah? Where did you go?"

"Work." I mumbled as my teeth nibbled on my bottom lip. I had to be careful - this new habit had caused them to bleed over the last few days. "To see… Gloria."

"Amazing!" Charlie patted my leg. "Well done."

Edward took that moment to get my lunch sorted before he would shut himself away in the kitchen and work for the next few hours. I was having a pasta salad today; it was my new favorite meal and I always looked forward to the selected days when I could have it. I hadn't planned what I was going to do for the rest of the day, but I had recently started reading a new book, so maybe I'd continue reading that. Or maybe watch a movie… a movie sounds like fun. I also need to reply to the text message from Rosalie - she had sent me one this morning which I had completely forgotten about.

She had given birth to her baby girl a week before Christmas, and as much as she loves being a mother and looking after her daughter, I could tell that she misses working. I think she planned to return soon, but Emmett made enough money to support them both.

They had named their daughter Daisy-Rae, but for now she just gets called Daisy. I have seen a lot of pictures of her, and Edward sent me pictures when he went home for Christmas, but I was still to meet Daisy in person. I couldn't wait to meet her.

At that moment Edward brought through my bowl of pasta salad, and he was just about to return to the kitchen when Charlie stopped him. "I received a phone call today which you may be interested to hear about…"

Oh dear… I don't like the sound of this.

"Is it… something bad?" Edward asked. He obviously felt the same way I did.

"Not necessarily - I suppose it depends on how you see it." There was a long pause before he spoke again. "James has pleaded guilty."

I should have known it was about him.

Why couldn't he just leave me alone?

"Well that's… that's great, right?"

"It definitely makes our job easier, however we now need to convince the judge to give James the maximum sentence."

Convince the judge to give him a maximum sentence…

Why do we need to convince someone? Surely he deserves it regardless because of his crimes?

"Okay, so what does that entail?"

"Basically, whenever the sentencing happens, the three of us need to stand before the judge and give him a sob story."

"And what about James? Will he be a witness to this?" Edward asked warily.

I slapped my hands over my ears and closed my eyes.

I refused to listen to the answer. The answer that I knew was coming.

I need to face him again, but this time I will come out as the victor.

0-0

So… Bella's getting jealous?

Fun fact - when I was first diagnosed with anxiety I was on 100mg of sertraline and a maximum of 120mg of propranolol every day, however the side effects that Bella mentioned is what I dealt with - the sertraline did not sit well with me. Now I just take the propranolol. Of course Bella wouldn't take 100mg of it a day simply because of her body weight, so I didn't include the dosage mainly because I am not a doctor and I didn't want to get it wrong.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I would love to know what you thought. Thank you for reading!