This will be the last chapter before my holiday. I hope you enjoy it :)
Every step that Mrs Hughes took up those stairs, she came up with a question or scenario in her head that made her stomach ball itself up into a knot. It was clear that she was able to navigate the hospital without much real thought because her mind was so distracted. The temperature had changed quite drastically from the cool night air to the fiery warmth of the hospital. That warmth was not the reason for her flushed cheeks, however.
Mrs Hughes was used to being rational. Of course, she knew that at times she let her emotions lead, and that often got her into difficult situations. As a woman, she was able to intricately decipher, most of the time, between all of the emotions that flooded her body. At that moment, ascending the stairs to the love of her life, she could feel so many that it felt a little overwhelming. There was excitement, of course. That was the forerunner. Then there was happiness, intrigue, anxiety and a tiny slither of worry. The conversation she had just had with Mary had left those feelings all in a heightened state. The blindsided nature of the conversation, and how she hadn't expected it had meant that she hadn't been able to produce barriers and her rational brain. It had been a reassuring conversation. The sentiment behind it was warm. Knowing that the other key woman in Carson's life understood and backed them made her incredibly hopeful. It did add to the cascade of questions in her mind though. There was so much that she needed to delve into with him and in her mind. Would they need Lady Mary to fight their battle? Would things become difficult for them? Were they going to be able to continue like normal in terms of work? When would they inform them of what was going on? Those were the questions that made her worry. Mrs Hughes knew that having Carson at her side in her personal life would be enough if it had to, but she knew that the core to their whole relationship had begun in the workplace. They worked well together, they understood each other and in her mind them being what they were could increase that bond. Mrs Hughes wasn't stupid, she knew that one of the main worries that would come from the home would be if things didn't work between them. Loyalty would shift. Bitterness could rise. Mrs Hughes would never let that happen though. Ever.
"Stop being silly," she muttered to herself, taking another step. There was no place in her brain to think of how it was going to go wrong. It wouldn't happen. It couldn't happen. It was just her rationalising the house perspective she knew, but it seemed to hang over them like a shadow. A faint one. The shadow wasn't coming from them, but the potential perspective of others like they were blocking their light. There were too many people involved already. Mrs Hughes liked her business to be her business.
As she neared the top of the stairs she shifted to Carson. In just a few strides she was going to be in his presence and this made her feel ever so giddy. There was a current streaming through her body that she couldn't control. It was electric. It made all of the hairs on her arms stand on end. Adrenaline mixed with a powerful sense of longing was the best way to describe it. The desire to touch him, feel his hand on her face, to have him close. Mrs Hughes wanted to show him love. In all of her years previous, she had never felt in so little control of herself. It wasn't lustful, it was just a freshly rekindled ache and desire for him. It was affection. It was powerful. She wanted to show him that she cared and loved him. She just wanted to touch him. In her mind, she had not been able to understand over the years, how couples were so handsy. Not handsy in an improper way, they just always seemed to give each other gentle touches, a reassuring presence and closeness. Lord and Lady Grantham had been very much a forefront in that area. Now it seemed that Mrs Hughes could understand it. She wanted it. She craved it.
The conversation with Mary had also made her think further about the logistics of their relationship. Mrs Hughes knew that when they were working and in the eyes of others, they would not be able to be that way as it wasn't proper. It had been such a long time since she had been close to having a beau. When she was younger things had been a bit more carefree. If she had found someone she wouldn't be in service, so the stakes were a little less. They were older. They needed to talk about what they were going to be. How they were going to do it. Now she had built up her job, her level of respect, her name and she was not ready to let that go. Of course, if she had to, and it meant it was between the pair of them as to who kept their job, she wouldn't hesitate to step aside. For him. Always for him. The thought made her exhale and shake her head.
Then her mind started rattling through the expectations on how their next round of contact was going to go. Would he get up and hug her? Would he kiss her on the cheek? Would he reach out to touch her? How were they going to greet now? What would he say? What would they speak about? The anticipation built in her chest and she slowed her pace to almost nothing. Of course, she was over-thinking it all and she knew, as soon as they started talking, that they would fall into their natural rhythm. Time would change this rhythm. No running before they could walk.
As she reached the threshold, she took in a deep breath and peered around the corner. She did enjoy watching him when he was on his own. Carson sat under the light of the lamp by his bed with a book in his hand. After a moment he paused and closed the book. It rested on his lap, and he placed both of his hands on top of it. Lifting his head as if he could hear something, he turned his attention to the window. The expression on his face changed. The furrow of his brows from the concentration he had on the book disappeared. The whole of his face grew soft. Then he smiled. It was just a small smile that gently lifted the edges of his mouth. Whatever he was thinking about was lifting him. Then she could see him physically release a sigh, the rigidity to his posture escaped, and he leant into his pillows. Mrs Hughes followed suit and sighed. The burning in her that had been ignited after their conversation continued. They had been near each other for years, and she had been able to push away that desire. That desire had been let free, years of wanting to touch him and be close, all flooding her body like blood itself. It made her physically ache. It was everywhere.
It took her a moment to break herself away from the gaze of admiration that she was giving him. When she did she felt content, at ease, as if just seeing him had pushed the worries aside. What did it matter if the family didn't want this relationship to happen? Mrs Hughes was happy to have him and would give up whatever it took. They would find a way if they had to. Slowly, she eased herself into the room and walked towards the bed.
"Oh, Mrs Hughes," he said, his eyes breaking his gaze from the window. It was as if his whole face had lit up like a candle, and she couldn't help but smile in return.
Mrs Hughes felt her heart pound in her chest, and she thought to herself that Carson did not smile enough. The job he did, the way he was so serious about it, and his usual demeanour meant that he spent most of the time with a stern expression on his face. When he did smile, he looked so soft and caring. There was a warm glint in his eyes and plumpness to his cheeks.
As she walked closer, she could feel herself hesitating. Should she kiss him on the cheek? Hug him? Touch him? The world, and especially their world, was confined to certain ways in which they had to act. A lot of that didn't seem natural. Why have these feelings and desires if you weren't to act on them? She remembered her life growing up was far more freer when it came to expression. It burnt over every inch of her to act on them so she could show him what he meant, but she didn't know how to act around him yet. They were more than friends now, but she didn't want to cross a line that had yet to be drawn. When she moved to where the chair was, she looked up and she half expected him to get up and hug her. She wasn't sure where that notion had come from. When he didn't, her heart dropped a fraction, but it was enough for her to notice.
Carson tracked her with his eyes as she took her seat next to the bed. "What a lovely surprise," he said with a genuine tone to his voice. The look she gave him was wide with expectation, but when she looked for a reaction he could see a tinge of disappointment behind her eyes. Had she expected him to reach out to her? This was all so new to him, and although he desperately wanted to reach out to her, he knew that it might not seem proper just yet. Even though he had the night before, that was in a fit of heightened emotion. They had yet to set a precedent to their behaviours and relationship as a whole. Carson would always be respectful, it was just the type of man that he was. These things would fall into place over time. They were used to acting and being in a certain way. It had been years of propriety, social construct and habit that would take time to wear away.
"Well, I thought I would come down to see you before you came home. Check to see if there was anything that you needed. I wanted to make sure that you were well enough to be back. I didn't want you to come back too soon if it wasn't time. I also didn't want you to feel pressured into coming home before you were well in yourself to be there. I know what you're like."
"Oh, no. I'm looking forward to coming back. I feel well. I feel very well in fact." The instinct he had to look out for her kicked in, and he worked his way into her eyes to see how her day had been. Slowly he moved his tired eyes from side to side to look for any tells. In times like the one they were in, and how they had moved forward, he thought that she would be honest with him. That is what people who loved each other did. In comparison to the last time he saw her she looked much better. The skin on her cheeks had colour to it, her hair was tight and her eyes sparkled under the dim light of the bedside table lamp. There was still something slightly amiss, but it was nominal in comparison to the day previous. She looked freer and happier. She seemed solid. Absentmindedly, he moved his fingers over the surface of the book that his hands were resting on. The change in temperature beneath his fingers as they moved from their warm resting spot made him take notice of the book in his presence. "Thank you for giving me the book from Lady Mary, by the way," he said as he placed it back onto the table at the side of his bed. "It's very good."
Mrs Hughes had noted his probing eyes, the way they moved from side to side and searched her eyes for clues. To put his mind at ease, and make him feel satisfied that she was doing well, she smiled and began undoing her coat. The room was very warm. "I saw you had it in your hand when I arrived. You looked quite deep in thought though. I hope nothing is troubling you?" Standing quickly she placed her coat on the back of the chair because she couldn't see a coat rack.
Carson couldn't help but watch her with admiration. Not for anything in particular, just for being who she was. She was elegant, beautiful, charming, warm, kind and soft. It made his mouth involuntarily shift into a broad grin. At that moment he felt like one of the luckiest men in the world. As she sat down he stuck his arm out and took her hand. It was unexpected like he had been driven to do it without much in terms of thought. He wanted to scold himself, but then when she squeezed it back he couldn't help but smile. Carson liked to do things properly, of course, he did, and he was a man of respect. But it felt like he was being driven by something so pure and raw that he wanted to throw propriety out of the window. He would never of course because it was etched into his bones. "No, nothing is troubling me. It's far from that. I was thinking about you, actually." His words made her squeeze his hand again. It was worth it for just that.
"About me?" Mrs Hughes said shyly, the warmth in her cheeks returning even though she had fewer layers on without her coat. When she had sat down she felt like she was too far away, so she moved the chair closer without letting go of his hand. That proved a challenge in itself, but having him holding her hand made her feel so content that she dared not part with it. Instinctively she reached out and placed her other hand on top of his. Without hesitation, she began to run her thumb over the top.
"Yes, Mrs Hughes-"
"Elsie," she interrupted softly, giving him a subtle nod as if to permit him. "It's just us here, Charlie. It's just us." Mrs Hughes gave him a reassuring smile. Carson's grip increased in intensity.
The beating of Carson's heart increased, and it felt like someone was hitting his heart with a hammer. It was if the way she looked at him made everything inside of him come alive. How did he get so lucky? How did he not move forward with this sooner? What had they missed because of their ignorance? So natural and beautiful. So wonderful. She was his Elsie. Some things needed to be said. These were the little touches that were going to change their dynamic when not in their usual roles. Would their work become a facade? Would their life together become their real world and their jobs just something else? Carson didn't think so because his work had always been his life. She was it now though. The dynamics in his heart and mind were changing. It was like being reawakened for a second chance at life. It made him wonder, but at the same time, it made him feel so happy that he might burst at the seams. "Elsie," he acknowledged in a whispered tone. "I hope you don't mind that I took your hand?"
The initial reaction from Mrs Hughes was one of shock. What a silly question to ask. It made her laugh though because that was so very Carson. "Oh, no. Not at all you silly man," she chuckled. The way he was staring at her so intently made her feel a little embarrassed, and so she broke his gaze to compose herself by looking at the window. The expression on her face was neutral apart from the grin on her lips. Returning her eyes to his, she spoke with as much conviction as she could. "You can take my hand whenever you want. Whenever you need."
Carson felt his nostrils flare as he felt the happiness expand within him to the point that he thought he might cry. Of course, he wouldn't, but he could feel it wrestling within him. Carson had never been able to react well to the emotional feelings that produced tears. It just wasn't him enough to be able to direct them into anything of usefulness. How could one woman make him feel so much? For years he had been so stoic and level because that's what he needed to be. It had never occurred to him that he was missing out on so much. There was so much in life that he had left to discover with Mrs Hughes by his side. Over the years he had learned to control himself when faced with so many different situations. His life dictated it in almost every aspect. It was like he was an emotional pariah, he had missed out on so many things. Of course, he didn't regret it, he had enjoyed where his life had taken him, but now he realised that there was so much he could do now. Everything flooded with warmth as if he had burning lava coursing through his veins. It was all for her. He felt like the luckiest man in the entire world. Before he spoke he had to reign it in. It didn't take long, he was used to having to push things down in the blink of an eye. "I was just thinking about how much I was looking forward to seeing you again."
"Oh," she said sheepishly, moving her focus from his eyes to her hands. Her cheeks burnt. She knew if her hand was free from his it would likely be shaking. He kept her steady like he always did. "I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't been thinking about you all day," she grinned, returning her eyes to his.
"Well then," he said. "It seems we have both had things on our minds today then." Carson couldn't help but smile. There seemed to be a sledgehammer beating in the place that his heart was. Something surged within him like electricity. What more could a man need than to know that he had been the specific thought of the woman he cared for? "Have you had a good day?"
"I have actually. Things are relatively quiet at the moment. You know how it is when the family aren't entertaining. They're all very quiet. I think they'll be happy when you're both at home. It'll bring back some normalcy to the house. Everyone will be happy to see you stood in your rightful place." Mrs Hughes couldn't help but resort to talking about what they were both used to. It was a habit. It was what they were familiar and comfortable with. The Abbey was something they had in common at the moment.
"Oh, I'm not sure about that," Carson smirked. "They have probably been thankful for the reprieve!"
Mrs Hughes raised her eyebrows with mock annoyance. "I'm not giving them an easy ride you know. There are very high standards to maintain. Don't think for a second I've been letting them get away with murder in your absence." The voice she expelled was not one of annoyance, but instead, it was light-hearted.
Carson's eyebrows raised. "Oh, don't think I'm questioning your work ethic. I just meant that-"
"They think you're a bit of a curmudgeon sometimes?" she retorted with a pointed smirk.
Carson let out a hearty laugh, his deep voice rolling in an evenly spaced boom. "I wouldn't have put it quite like that. But yes."
Mrs Hughes followed suit and laughed too. Then she stopped and looked him straight in the eye. "I don't think you know your worth, Charlie. A lot of people care about you. You've been missed, very much." Mrs Hughes knew that it was coming from her more than anyone, but it was true, the house seemed lost without him. There were a few people that had commented on how they missed him being around. It wasn't a lie or to boost his confidence. It was the truth. He was direct, he was strict, he was meticulous when it came to his job. Not only that, but he was fair, strong, and kind to most. The man had a presence about him, he could work a room, he was like a friendly giant who had the whole family under his protection. Mrs Hughes could do the work, but she was no Charlie Carson.
Most of their eye contact had been fleeting. In moments where it lingered one of them looked away. It was either out of embarrassment or because they found that they couldn't process how they made each other feel. Then, they both locked eyes and kept them there. Mrs Hughes felt like she was standing on a cloud that was destined for the highest mountain. It made everything begin to stir inside of her like a stew being mixed stubbornly by Mrs Patmore. Seeing him sat there looking so well, so happy and content made her suddenly feel very emotional. Only a few days before she thought that she was going to lose him, thought she was never going to be able to tell him how she felt. The image of him passed out in the great hall, his head covered in thick and deep crimson blood, and his skin dark from bruising. Looking at him ahead of her now looking so proud and happy made her realise how truly thankful she was in having him in her life. The hours spent worrying, fretting, and the tears she had cried. It had all be a bit much, but it had all been worth it. Everything stewed together until it had nowhere else to go. It overwhelmed her and she felt the tears manifest in the corners of her eyes like unwanted visitors. It was uncharacteristic of her, but then everything that she had been in the days before had been uncharacteristic. Mrs Hughes was normally well mannered with her emotions. Everything was falling into place, and this spurred the tears on with an intense ferocity. Like rain on a summers day, the cool tears started to fall down her warm cheeks. "Oh, Charlie," she said as she tried to fight the petulant watery visitors. "I'm so glad you're well." She then leant forward, moved her hand from the top of his, and kissed him there before resting her forehead on it. She felt embarrassed, but she didn't know what else to do. Just having even a fraction of his skin against her own was enough to begin to soothe her.
Carson felt a stray tear fall onto his hand and he couldn't help but react by scrunching his face up with confusion. Against his hand, he could feel the tremble of her face as she tried to push whatever was driving her emotion away. The periodic sniffs told him that she was not being successful. It made the pit of his stomach fall away. Seeing someone that you love in pain was one of the worst feelings in the world. You wanted to take it away, absorb it into yourself at the cost of your well being. What he wanted to do was scoop her up into his arms and protect her from whatever she was feeling. He wanted to envelop her until it all went away. "Elsie," he whispered sadly as he brought up his hand to rest on her shoulder. It was a far cry from what he wanted to do.
Mrs Hughes reacted by lifting herself upwards and away from his touch. "Oh, I'm sorry. Don't mind me," she mumbled, leaning to fish in her bag to find a handkerchief. Wanting to take control of herself, she rolled her eyes up at the ceiling and blinked aggressively to try and dispel any more unwanted visitors from her eyes. She could see a cobweb in the corner of the room. The days had whittled away her well-maintained walls. Like a damn with holes, it seeped water at quite an alarming rate. "I just let myself run away for a moment."
Carson instinctively moved to the side, shuffling his body so that there was a small space at his side that was closest to her. "Elsie," he said quietly, his voice hardly audible as he peered at her through worried eyes. What was the closest he was going to get to picking her up in his arms and running her away from the pain? What was the closest he was going to get to taking it from her and giving it to himself to help her? They could talk and he could let her know that he was there for her.
Using the handkerchief she dabbed at her eyes. This was not what she had wanted him to see. The effect that he was having on her was powerful. It was a genuine feeling of being overwhelmed by love. That was mixed in with the thankfulness that he was well. Steadying herself she exhaled slowly, letting everything out of her. "I'm fine," she pushed. "Honestly."
Carson had noticed that something hadn't been quite right just those few moments earlier when he had looked into her eyes. It was only small, but it had been enough to catch fire and turn into a raging bushfire. "Just humour me," he said quietly, patting the space next to him.
Mrs Hughes had raised his eyebrows at his suggestion. "Are you asking me to get onto the bed...with you?"
Carson then momentarily seemed to be flummoxed by the proposition. The words jolting himself back into the room and back into his normal way of thinking. What had he offered? It had been misconstrued. It was not his intentions. "Oh," he said quite sharply. "No, no. It was improper. I apologise."
"Charlie," she cooed, wiping away a rogue tear that had moved down her cheek. "What is it?"
"There was no ill intent. I would never, and I know you know that. I just wanted to talk to you," he paused to swallow down the shame he suddenly felt. "I just wanted to say something...I just wanted to offer some sort of comfort." The left side of his face moved upwards as he tried to justify himself with a wonky smile. What had he been thinking? He moved his eyes up to the ceiling to avert any gaze he suspected she was giving him. Subconsciously he would only offer such a thing if he thought that there were no people around to deem it to be something improper. It had only taken him a day or so to figure out the schedules of the nurses, and the routines that they worked to. Carson always watched people, especially in environments that he was not the playmaker of. He knew that nobody would be around. He just wanted to comfort her. Who was this new person that he was becoming? First, he took her hand and then he asked her to sit next to him on his bed.
Mrs Hughes could see that he was worried. It was not her intentions to make it so, and she felt terrible that she had put a slide on the evening. Quietly she got to her feet and sat down at his side, keeping one of her feet on the ground, and the other one as close as she could without being uncomfortable. Her shoulder pushed against his and she could feel how warm he was. Butterflies erupted like demons in her chest. They were shoulder to shoulder. It was not that she was doing it to make him feel better for his faux pas. There was a heightened sense of intrigue on what the comfort was going to be. On the other end, she desperately wanted to be comforted by him, even if it was just sitting by his side.
Carson became very aware of her when she sat next to him. There was a warmth emanating out of her shoulder that was pushing into him. What had he done? The curve of his eyebrows was that of a mountain. They were pointing high into the sky as if reaching for the heavens. It dawned on him however that maybe she wanted the comfort that he had so sheepishly proposed? It wasn't proper. It was far from proper, and yet she had obliged without any obligation expressed through his own words and actions. It was of her own free will. Was it the blow to the head? Was it the fact that he cared for her so much that he was finding it difficult to keep himself behind that well-etched line? He wanted to care for her. Provide for her. Keep her safe. Carson was not stupid, he knew that when they returned to the house they would not be able to talk and act so freely. It was now as if their time was running out to iron out the expectations and thoughts. They needed to do and say things now that were going to be harder to talk about when they were back in their jobs.
"Tell me," he pleaded. "Tell me what's wrong. I don't want you to ever apologise for showing your emotion to me. We have spent too many years not doing just that, and where did it get us? I care for you. I care about you. I want you to be able to talk to me and tell me these things. I know it may seem out of turn, but I have a different perspective on things. I want to seize the day when it comes to you. We have let so much time go. I want to lift you when you're not yourself. My intentions extend as far into the future as possible, as long as I have breath in my body. We've been dancing around this for too long, Elsie, and we don't have time on our hands. Carson as a Butler is different from Carson as a friend and more. Only slightly I might add," he grinned. "And you know we have often spoken quite frankly to each other. If this were you, you'd get it out of me," he smiled although she wasn't looking at him. She nearly always got it out of him. He couldn't help himself.
The tone of his voice soothed her. It was like the sound of a tide muddled in with the rattling and humming of a car engine. It vibrated into her through their touching arms. In reality, what she wanted was for him to take his arm and wrap it around her. Then, with him close, she could lay her head against his chest and hear the beating of his heart. Having him so close to her would soothe any ailment she could imagine. It wasn't going to happen, but she imagined it for just a moment before he shifted his weight, bringing her back to the room. Over the years they had developed that rapport that meant that they could talk quite frankly, as he had just said. It just seemed a bit silly of her to be so emotional when he was doing just fine. If it were the other way around she would hang over his shoulder until he gave in and admitted defeat. It was the direction that they were going in. "Honestly, Charlie. I just got a little overwhelmed. It's been hard since you've been gone. The running of the house has been fine. I just spent so much time worrying about you. I was terrified that I was going to lose you. That mixed in with how happy I am that you're here, that you're alive and that we have been able to realise our feelings. It just got a bit much. Don't think me weak or silly-"
Carson scoffed. "I would never think that of you. You are nothing of the sort. You're a fierce woman, Mrs H- Elsie," he corrected. "You are one of the strongest characters I know. Are you well, really?" he probed again.
Mrs Hughes turned to look at him and smiled. "I'm fine. I am. I just can't believe my luck."
"It's not luck, Elsie. Anything but luck." Carson couldn't help but take her hand that had been sitting idly at her side.
Staring down at their encased hands, she couldn't help but place her other on top of his. Having both of her hands wrapped around his made her feel so happy. When they got back to normal she would miss just being able to do that. Would it get harder to control? Would it get harder to miss? Would she be able to ration herself? What would it be like when things went back to normal? "What are we going to do about all of this? I mean, we have to get it out in the open. We can't leave it for people to find out by chance. It would look like we were doing something that we are ashamed of. It would look like we were trying to hide something improper. I don't want to live in a shadow."
Carson gave her a reassuring squeeze. "I've been thinking about all of that, to be honest. It's hard not to when you've got so many spare hours in the day, which I might add is driving me bloody barmy. I don't want to rush us and our approach. These things, as they say, need to develop naturally. I know we've been slow-burning for an elongated period, but it is still our story that we are writing. We dictate the pace. We work on our terms, and whatever pace you feel comfortable with. I do think that we need to inform his Lord and Ladyship of our intentions as soon as we can." Carson paused for a minute to watch her face. "It's the right thing to do. It's the best thing to do. It's better to know the hurdles we face rather than waiting until we are already falling over them. Then if someone decides to make it their business, and I won't insinuate any names, then it will already be in the known world. Of course when we are working, when we are in the house and doing our roles we have to ensure that we are Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes. Our role is our role. It must not get in the way of the job and standards will not fall. Outside of that is our business. Do you agree?"
Mrs Hughes instantly began to nod her head. Of course, they needed to be stringent. If they could remain in the home together then they would never reduce themselves and let standards slip. It was not in either of their natures. It did make her wonder if they would ever have any time to be this free and open? To be themselves when they spent nearly all of their waking hours doing their job. Was this moment with her at his side something bittersweet as it would be some time before anything like it happened again? The word intentions became fixed in her mind. What were their intentions? What were they to become? "Charlie," she said with a wide-eyed expression. "What are our intentions?"
Carson didn't even need to think about it. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. It's as simple as that. I will do the proper thing. When all this is over, when everything is back to normal, I will do the right thing. That is the intention that I will inform his Lord and Ladyship about."
Mrs Hughes knew exactly what he meant and she knew it was what she wanted. It was what she had wanted for a very long time. There was no need to talk about specifics in that area because that ball was in Carson's court. It was something that he would do properly. Knowing that his intentions were that would keep her satiated for eternity. There was not a single shred of doubt in her mind that when he did ask the question that her answer would be what they both wanted. Mrs Elsie Carson. It made her blush and smile. The tears she had let go from her eyes before were threatening and plotting their escape on happier terms. No more tears would be shed though. "Do you think that his Lord and Ladyship will accept that? It's not normal, is it? I'd like to be there when you do?"
"Well, it's not normal. A Butler isn't meant to be married, let alone to the woman that helps him run the home," he grumbled. "His Lordship is kind and generous in how he has things run, but at the same time he abides by propriety almost as closely as I. Even I have frowned upon this sort of things in other homes in the past, and it feels hypocritical." Carson could feel Mrs Hughes shift uncomfortably at his side, and her eyes looked down which he assumed was because it made her worry. "But please, Elsie," he said pulling her hand so she looked back at him. "Do not mistake my intentions. I would choose you if I was forced to. As shocking as it may sound, and as painful as that decision might be, you mean more to me."
Mrs Hughes became instantly torn. The words he was saying in any other circumstance would be beautiful, and they were. However, the sheer ridiculousness of him letting his job go for her was profound. It made her annoyed. Carson had worked too hard and for too long to even think of such a thing. This annoyance overtook her happiness momentarily. "Charlie," she said with a stern voice. "I'm telling you now that I will not allow you to give up your role. Ever."
Carson smiled. "I would if I had to. If I had to for you."
Mrs Hughes tried not to smile because she was irritated, but the corners of her mouth reacted anyway. "I wouldn't allow it. Out of either of us, I'll be the one that makes the move. Not you. You belong there. You'd be lost without it. You are Downton."
Carson's face softened. "I appreciate what you're saying. I do. I hope that we won't have to do either. In the optimum situation, we will continue as we are, and I hope with everything that that is the case." Carson let out a sigh. Neither of them wanted the other to be displaced from their job. She had worked hard all her life. She had persevered through a lot to get where she was. No, he would not allow it to happen, but arguing would be futile as they didn't know their fate.
"Please, Elsie. I appreciate what it is you are saying, but I'm hoping with everything that I have that we won't have to. In an ideal situation, and if his Lordship deems it acceptable, then we will continue to work side by side." Carson let out a sigh. It pained him a little that she was willing to throw her career away for him. She had worked hard. She had persevered through a lot to get to where she was and he would make sure that she was not at the brunt of their punishment if that was to be the case.
"You're right," Mrs Hughes said quietly. "There's no point getting worked up about it until we have to. We don't even know what they're going to say. At least I know I'll have you by my side either way."
"Always," he said softly, giving her hand another reassuring squeeze.
"Don't think I'm going anywhere either," she smirked. "You're stuck with me like a bad penny." As she sat there she thought back to the conversation that she had with Mary downstairs. It would help them if they needed it. "At least we have Lady Mary on our side already."
"Yes," he agreed. "How did you know that she was on our side?"
Mrs Hughes tilted her head and knowingly raised her eyebrows. "As I walked down the pathway towards the hospital, I could hear someone that sounded like they were upset. I thought I would have a look and see if they needed any help. It was her sat on that small bench around the corner."
"What?" Carson exclaimed, his back going rigid against the pillows as his head started working through the reasons as to why. "Is she well? Should I go and check on her and see if she needs anything?"
Mrs Hughes shook her head. "No no. In all honesty, it looked like she was going through some sort of transition. It's hard to explain. It was like she was talking to Mr Crawley. It made me feel a little sorry for her because I could see that the poor thing is still in a lot of pain. She's fighting though."
"Naturally," Carson defended. "It's awful. It's hit her terribly as you would expect."
"Yes. It was as if she was trying to accept her situation and do the best for his memory. It shows great courage I must admit. I don't know how I would be if I was in the same position."
"It was frightfully jarring. The whole thing deeply saddened me to see. She was broken, so very broken. It'll take her some time, but she is being as strong and as best as she can. Many people will do what they can to help her. I know I certainly will."
"I don't think there is any doubt in anybody's mind about that, Charlie. No doubt in the slightest. She knows that." Mrs Hughes was watching his face as he processed what she was saying. It was obvious that he was worried about her, and no doubt he was itching to go down and see that she was well enough. It likely bothered him and made him think that if she wasn't then she would flee again. That would break his heart.
"Are you sure it's not best that I go down and check on her?" Carson's eyes seemed to plead with her. They seemed to look out for reassurance.
"No, Charlie. I wouldn't have left her if she was in such a state that I thought that she was going to do anything irrational. As I've said, I think she's fighting and she knows what she needs to do." In Mrs Hughes' mind, she knew that there was always going to be Lady Mary as a barrier. Not anything detrimental, but he would always worry about her. That's one of the reasons she knew that it would be difficult for him to leave the job because, in essence, it would mean that he would be leaving her. Even when he was going to leave with Robert Carlisle, Carson was willing to drop his life to do that. It made him unhappy even thinking about it, but he was still going to do that for her. Mrs Hughes remembered how hard it was for her to hear that he was leaving. How hard it was to admit that she would miss him. It had been a blessing that he hadn't left in the end because this would not be happening now.
"Look, Charlie, I don't want you to think that I am speaking out of turn for either you or Lady Mary. Some things need to be done on a person's terms. If she needs to let go of her grief, there are things that she needs to do herself. One of them, and that's what I think she is trying to do, is to accept her situation and her loss as best as she can. It's hard, I know it's hard for her and I know in turn it's hard for you. But you need to allow her to grieve on her terms. If she continually relies on the emotional support of others then she will never be able to do it herself, and that will do her no favours in the end. Be there, like you have always been in the background, and step in when she needs it as you've just done. You risked your life. It might seem harsh, but you've helped her through the darkest part. Now she needs to fly towards the light as best as she can."
Carson sighed and turned his attention to the window. It made sense to him, but it felt like in doing so he would be letting her go to fend for herself. It was ingrained in every ounce of him that he had to protect her at whatever cost. It had nearly killed him, but he would never change anything about it. Ever. Carson couldn't think of what to say in return.
"I hope I've not made you angry?" Mrs Hughes probed, not being able to tell what he was thinking as he looked away.
"No, no," he said, waving his hand ahead of him. "Not at all. I have to admit that it makes sense. It's just not natural to me to stand back when I can help her."
Mrs Hughes sighed sympathetically. "But you do that, Charlie. You don't interfere all of the time. I know that you only really step in when she requires it. Like when she said you had overstepped the mark, you stepped in because you knew it was right. She's a grown woman, Charlie, she has to do some of these things herself. I'm not trying to be harsh, I just know that it affects you so much. I hate to see you sad. I hate to see you worrying about her constantly. It's admirable, and she's lucky to have your loyalty, but in this instance, I think just keep a step behind to catch her when she needs it."
Carson didn't respond. In his gut, he knew that in a way she was right, but then he was conflicted with his heart that was telling him that he needed to be there no matter what. It was difficult.
"I'm sorry if I have come across harsh." Mrs Hughes sighed and rubbed his hand with hers.
"I know you're just doing it to look out for me, and I appreciate that. I just don't think I can leave it to chance. This whole thing could have been prevented if I had done more." It was a thought that he had had in his mind during the whole thing. Carson had sworn that he would always be there to protect her. A part of him had thought that by letting her get into that mess he had let her down.
"I will not have you blame yourself. You do more than enough for that girl. More than enough. You do it often to the detriment of yourself. You've been there for her in more ways than even her own family. I also know that she is fully aware of your support, and I know that she uses it when she needs it. Now wipe that thought from your mind, will you? Before I get annoyed." Mrs Hughes tried to force a stern voice into the words, but instead, they came out soft. It was hard to be stern with him when he looked so downcast. Only Carson would blame himself for something that was out of his control.
Carson didn't say anything, he just nodded his head, hoping to try and quickly move the topic forward.
"I bet nobody has even asked you how much it has impacted you? How all of this has made you feel?" Mrs Hughes looked at him and searched his eyes, which were looking down at their hands. "Are you ok?"
Carson raised his eyebrow. "Why would anyone ask? I managed and dealt with the situation as best as I could at the time. I won't lie to you. I won't tell you that it didn't upset me to my core to see her in such a state as the one that I found her in in the woods. Some of the things she said were harsh. Some of the things she said were so empty of any sort of emotion but then so full of it at the same time. I do not believe I have ever seen anybody so broken, so scared of their own emotions, so devoid of rational thought."
"Was she harsh with you?" Mrs Hughes could just imagine her tongue lashing out at him like a serpent. Lady Mary was well known for being very hard with her words at times, and she was sure that they would have left marks on Carson's heart that were still healing.
"A little, but I suppose it's because I told her things that she didn't want to hear. That she had to hear. All of us find that hard. It worked, and I'm so proud of how far she has come since that moment. Honestly, Elsie, it was just horrid."
"As long as you're ok though," Mrs Hughes said softly.
Carson let out a puff of air. "I know you think that I'm too soft with her. I know you don't always agree with how much I do for her. It's hard to explain or rationalise. I care. I care a lot." Carson sighed and lifted his other hand to overlap hers.
"No, it's not, Charlie. You love her like a daughter. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I just don't like seeing things trouble you, that's all. I do think you're soft with her, I do, and I have wondered if she takes advantage of it at times, but she cares for you." Mrs Hughes wanted to reassure him in some way because after her conversation with the young woman downstairs, she knew that she did have a heart for him.
Carson would always be there for her. It was difficult for him to think that Mary would take advantage of his good nature because they had always had an understanding. If she ever needed help then Carson would be there, and if she had played him into a corner to do it, then she must need it more than she realised herself. Mary was good under it all and would often express it in a way that people didn't understand. Carson did though, he understood her very well. "Yes, well... I will not change the way I am with her. If I can help her I will. I'll help anyone if I can."
"I would never ask you to because I know it's futile. You're a good loyal man. Too good sometimes." Mrs Hughes could see his expression, and she wanted to wrap her arms around him and comfort him. The look in his eyes showed her that he was struggling with what she had said to him like he knew she was right but didn't want to admit or act on it. That was fine. Carson was loyal to the bone, and sometimes that worked in his favour or against him. Mrs Hughes would be there for him regardless.
"Thank you," he said and turned to her so he could see her face. "I do appreciate your words."
Mrs Hughes smiled and gave him a gentle nudge with her shoulder. "I am looking forward to having you home."
Carson sighed. "And I am looking forward to being back. I've missed it." It had been difficult for him to have so much time on his hands. It had been hard for him to keep himself entertained because his whole life had been busy. It made him realise that he also never really took any time off. That didn't bother him, because his work made him happy. Would that change now he had Mrs Hughes? Would he want to step away so he could spend more time with her? Of course, having them both doing their jobs would mean that they wouldn't be able to take time off together. Maybe a few hours in the day here and there, but nothing more than that. Carson wanted to spend as much time with her as he could. It was like she had become a drug to him, and she made him feel so good by doing so little.
"I think you're one of the only people I know that would say that you miss working," she laughed. "But it has been strange without you there, I admit."
"Is there anything I need to know about?" Carson queried, his mind starting to think about the things that he was going to have to catch up on. In his head, he had already started to make a mental note about the things that he needed to catch up on, things that he normally only really did. It had been good fortune that he hadn't been in the hospital for too long.
"And you think I'm going to give you a handover now? Here? Whilst you're still in the hospital?" Mrs Hughes scoffed. "Don't be silly. You won't be working for a few days yet. I'll fill you in with anything drastic, which I might add there is nothing of the sort, once you're back on your feet. But for now, let's not talk about work."
"Well, what shall we talk about then?"
"There is more to our lives than just work, Charlie," she chided. "We don't have to talk about anything in particular. I'm just thankful that you are well, and thankful for your company. We could talk about nothing and I'd still be happy."
Carson twisted his body so that he could face her more directly. As he sat there, watching her face as she looked out at him, he couldn't help but squeeze her hand. Having her hand in his was reassuring, warming and right. They worked well together both in and out of work. She challenged him, looked out for him and fought for him fiercely in a way that only she could do. What if the injury to his head had meant that his mind had played a trick on him? What if this wasn't real? If it wasn't he would have to make the most of it and act on reality when it finally arrived. But that glint in her eyes was real. The way the pressure from her touch made his hands feel warm and the way she leant against him was very much real. It was perfect. She was perfect. There was no better woman for him. Mrs Hughes made everything feel complete. The missing piece. The one he had been waiting for.
I toyed with the part where Carson asked Mrs Hughes to sit next to him on the bed. In my mind, there are layers to their relationship that we didn't see on the show. It made me happy to write either way. I hope it did the same for you.