Disclaimer: I don't own anything Marvel. Just Anna.

Chapter 27

A Good Friend to Have

It was silent for a good several minutes after Sam finished briefing Anna on his recon mission in South Africa. The lead they'd had one finding Bucky had crumbled just like they always did. Really, Anna hadn't expected anything to come from the whole trip. Steve had been the one to insist that Sam go anyway, but in the end it was Sam's decision to go all the way to South America.

Steve was currently busy with a meeting with Tony, so Sam went to Anna to turn in his report. The two were only ever really alone together when they were in that very situation. Whenever they hung out together outside of their working environment was when Steve was around.

"I'm really sorry, Anna," Sam said.

Rubbing her eyes, Anna gave Sam a small reassuring smile and sat back in her chair. "Don't worry about it, Sam. I didn't expect anything to come from it anyway. I'm sorry you went all the way there for nothing."

"I know, but I can't imagine what it's like for you to…"

"Constantly be disappointed when we don't find my husband?" Anna finished. "It is, but," Anna trailed off, not exactly sure where she was going with this. There were so many emotions, so many thoughts that she wasn't exactly sure to articulate everything going on within her. "If Bucky wanted to be found, we would've found him by now."

Sam hesitated, but eventually followed through on his action of sitting down across from her. "Honestly, I've thought the same thing, but it's not like I can really tell that to Steve."

"Tell me about it," Anna muttered. "I've known Steve for six years, but it feels like so much longer with all the shit we've been through. I admire his determination. It can also be a massive pain in the ass."

"Unwavering to a fault," Sam added.

"Exactly."

"Can I ask you something?" Sam asked.

"I don't see why not."

"What do you expect to happen if we do find and get him back?" Sam asked cautiously. "What do you want to happen?"

"Best case scenario is I get my husband back, and he wants me too," Anna answered. "I don't really expect that to happen, but as long as he's okay, and we can get him whatever help he needs then that's more than I could ever hope for. I don't expect him to want me like before, not after lying to him, and what he went through."

"I don't know," Sam muttered with a shrug. "With everything you've done for the world, everything you've sacrificed for the greater good, and for people, I don't see how he couldn't keep that in mind when thinking about you."

"I used to write letters in a notebook like he'd read them, but you know, not really. Like a therapeutic exercise for myself to help forgive myself for all the shit I did. It kinda always just felt like making excuses."

"If you ask me, you're always just a little too hard on yourself, Anna," Sam said. "I mean, you've always made me feel welcomed and appreciated here. It's clear you'd do anything for us. You're a good friend to have."

"Thanks, Sam," Anna said, a faint flattered blush gracing her cheeks. "So are you."

The mattress on the floor next to the radiator was doing its job as it kept Bucky, who always seemed to feel cold, a bit warmer as he leaned his back up against the wall, one leg tucked under the other as he sat it bed, with the only light coming from the lap in the corner next to him. The bathroom door to his right was closed, the hair he balanced on the handle resting exactly where he'd left it indicating that there hadn't been any intruder in his apartment that day when he went down to the farmers market. The one of his front apartment doors was secured in place as well. He's gotten his weekly stock for the sad excuse for a kitchen to his left done so he wouldn't have to leave for the next seven or so days depending on how quickly he went through his food.

All that time indoors left him to his writing. As much as having everything down on paper that he slowly came to remember made him uneasy, it was better to deal with the fear of someone else finding them and convicting him for everything he did than it was to feel the possibility of having all of his memories taken away from him. The good, and the bad.

That wasn't the only thing that Bucky was up to while he shut himself away though. He'd lost count of how many times he'd read over the letters in Anna's "Dear Bucky" notebook. There were always so many emotions coursing through him when he read them. Some good, some bad. He could never really settle on which though. It depended on what part he was reading, or how good/bad of a day he'd been having that particular day.

"The first thing I should do, before I explain everything is apologize. I'm so sorry for what happened. Bucky. The situation we were in was incredibly difficult, and whether or not I made the right decision in the end could be debated. But what's done is done. For fear of changing history beyond repair, I did what I did, or let it happen rather. It broke my heart to think I let you die, but it's shattered me to find out that Hydra found you and did what they did to you."

Whether or not Bucky felt he deserved the apology wasn't the main point. Anna needed to apologize, he had needed to hear it. Or read it. He agreed that there really wasn't a way of knowing how the situation would've ended. She couldn't have known that Hydra would get him after his "death." Did he appreciate the eversion of the truth? Absolutely not. Besides Steve, she was the only other person in the world he'd ever trusted beyond a question of a doubt. Now felt like a different story though. Did he question if she'd actually loved him at all? Yeah, absolutely. But was that what he wanted to do? Hell no.

Bucky had loved Anna more than he'd ever loved another woman ever. She hadn't been the first woman he'd ever fallen for, or slept with, but she'd been the one to make him feel better than he'd ever felt. She made him laugh. She let him cry and afterwards he never even felt ashamed for being weak in front of her. His mother had taken care of him, of course, but Anna took care of him is such a different way that he desperately longed for even with his doubts.

"Because I knew what would happen I vowed to try and make what life you had left was the happiest. And you made me the happiest woman in the world. You showed me a love I never knew I could feel. I owe you so much, and I feel as if I gave you so little. I only hope you feel the same as I do. I love you, Bucky."

Everything he'd done in their relationship had been completely honest. Reading these words made him glad he had, but it still hurt to know that she knew he was going to die. Her actions had been genuine in wanting to make him happy for whatever time he'd had left. And she had. Even in the hell that they'd been living in, Bucky had been happy with her by his side. It made him want to keep fighting so that they could've gone back home together to start a family. He'd never been happier than he had been when she'd said "yes."

Was there really nothing she could've done to save him? What would she have done if he'd lived? Would she still have gone back to her time? The whole time traveling thing was really messing with him still. Why couldn't she just go back and change it now since she knew what really happened after he fell off that train? Would she if she could? Would she stay with him if she did? What would the world even look like if he hadn't been there to shape it to the ideals of Hydra?

Bucky sighed, rubbing his eyes with both of his hands before they fell onto his lap, his head thumping back against the wall harder than a normal person probably would have withstood. He didn't care. The couple that lived above him were fighting again and with how thin the walls and floors were it blocked out the noise of pretty much everything. He liked to lay there and listen to them sometimes to get his mind off of the shit that was normally swimming inside his brain. Today they were fighting about unwashed dishes. He wished those were his biggest issues.

"You were the closest thing I had to someone I was most honest with, and I left out a lot of the truth. I'm sorry for that. If I'm fortunate to have you come back to me, I promise this is something I'll really work on. I don't want to continue with how things are. I want to be open with you. I'll be frank, and I won't hide my world from you like I did before."

He supposed it was good to know that he really did make Anna feel loved. He's always been concerned he was falling short when it came to what she deserved. Now he didn't know what she deserved.

That was a bitter lie and he knew it. He may feel bitter about some things, but did he regret loving her the way he had? Fuck no. Anna, like Steve, was one of the most genuine people he'd ever met. The first time they'd ever spoken she'd tried to help him through the mess that was going on in his head and they were complete strangers. That just showed her character. Perhaps that was why it hurt so much when he found out about her lie. It was why he was really hurt that she hadn't prevented what happened to him from happening. He really doubted that there was anything she could've done to stop it from happening. Had she tried to stop him from going on a mission he wouldn't have listened. Bucky knew that had she known he'd be tortured and turned into the Hydra assassin known as the Winter Soldier she would've done everything in her power to prevent it. He was taking out his frustration of Hydra on her. He was working on moving past that.

After all, he did still love the girl he married.

"I don't expect you to be the same person I married all those years ago. Hell, I'm not the same woman. But for me, you are still my Bucky. You will forever be my Bucky. What you've done, what you've been through doesn't change any of that."

She did have a point though. He wasn't the same person she'd married. He didn't know who the hell he was anymore. All he knew was that he was seriously fucked up in the head. He seriously doubted that if she really knew everything he'd gone through she'd still feel that way.

"And as hard as it is to believe, I know exactly how you feel. I was manipulated by a man once into doing some very terrible things. People died. People I cared about died by my hand because I was under that person's control. The thing about being under mind-control, the part nobody talks about is that you're still in there. Some small piece of you is awake watching everything you do. It's like being a passenger in your own body. And no matter how much you try to break free, you lose to that controlled part of your brain that doesn't belong to you anymore. And it happens over and over again. And it makes what you do feel so much worse because you're forced to do it, but they make you want to want to do it.

"It took me a very long time to come to terms with what happened. As much as it feels your fault, it isn't. I can't tell you that enough. It is not your fault. You need to learn to forgive yourself for what you did. But that is something you need to learn to do on your own."

As hard as it was to believe, Anna put it very well when she described her experience. He remembered everything. He remembered doing it, feeling it, wanting it. Steve would understand feeling out of place at this time, but Bucky hadn't been asleep the whole time. He'd been trained to know how to use a lot of different tech every time he was thawed out of stasis. Despite feeling alone with most of his friends dead, he did have Anna and Steve. He just didn't have them.

He didn't deserve to have that. Really, that was the main reason he wasn't there with them now. They didn't deserve to have to deal with everything that came with openingly associating with an assassin like himself. Anna may know what it felt like to be controlled like that, but it still didn't change how he felt about what he did, the guilt and shame he still felt. Anna was a wonderful person. Forgiving herself would be easier than forgiving himself, or so he thought. Reality was a different story.

"It used to be you that would help occupy my time when things were really bothering me. You always seemed to know just what to do and to day when I needed it. You are absolutely incredible when it comes to that. Not that you aren't incredible in a whole lot of other ways, but right now that's just what comes to mind first.

The way we used to just lay in that crappy cott together, that scratchy wool blanket over us, how you'd draw circles on my shoulder, or on the back of my hand while it rested on your chest. I'd trade every comfortable mattress I've ever slept on, and all the future ones just to be able to do that with you again. You're my partner, Buck. My husband."

Bucky slid down in bed and rolled over onto his right side. His right arm was tucked up under his head as his other hand rested on the empty space on the mattress next to him. Anna thought he'd been great at distracting her and comforting her when they'd been together, she had no idea how much he'd needed her there next to him. He'd woken up so many nights from nightmares. Having her right there with him allowed him to pull her closer, to feel her warmth, to head and count her breaths to help ground himself again.

As much as he'd give anything to just have her right there next to him like they'd once been, she deserved far better than that. She deserves someone that could give her kids stability. Someone that could help calm her down, give her a sense of normalcy.

God, kids. He's wanted kids with her so bad all those years ago. Kids that shared her beautiful eyes, and his strong jaw, or his eyes and her beautiful smile, and shiny wavy hair. He wanted to take them to baseball games, and to go to Coney Island. He wanted to teach them to ride a bike, and go on picnics with Steve and his family. And maybe their kids could've been best friends just like they were.

Bucky knew he couldn't give that to he now. Not now, or ever. Not with how screwed up he was. Not with how Hydra was still technically out there. So many things could go wrong. He couldn't risk putting her, or their kids, in danger like that.

But Anna had said the topic of kids wasn't a deal breaker for her.

"We never really discussed family, did we? I know you waid one of the reasons that pushed you to want to marry me was because you wanted to live each day like that last. That hopefully we'd be able to make it, and go home and have a life together. But we never specifically talked about having kids together. I most likely would've redirected the conversation so I wouldn't have to answer it, seeing as I thought I knew history…

I guess if kids are in the cards for me I wouldn't be against that. I do love kids. And I do love Clint's. They're the sweetest little assholes you'd ever meet.

I guess that's really just if you want them, or if you don't though. Because, if you're in my cards, that's all I really ever will need."

And God, did he ever just want her. Now more than ever.

This chapter took me way too long to write. Honestly, it took me like six hours to just right this small stuff. I really wanted to, but I just got engaged Friday, and there's so much stuff going on that it's hard to focus. I put on Ant-Man, then Ant-Man and the Wasp on to force myself into the Marvel mindset, so at least it worked and the chapter is done! Next chapter begins Civil War, so that's super exciting. Now onto writing that.

Thanks to the following for their reviews on the previous chapter:

Jedi Jesla777 - It is. It's also shown with the other AI's Tony has when he's going through looking for Friday after Jarvis becomes Vision. That's why I'm using it. Lol and get reading to have your heart broken! Mwahahahaha... or not. Only I KNOW.

SomebodyWhoCares - I always want pizza. It's why I need to work out.