By the time Nagisa arrives at home his legs feel something like lead.
The rest of dealing with the kids goes by without much of an issue. He spars with Fumiko and Makoto for a little while... and before he even knows it Kiyoshi joins them. He seems a little on edge, but when he's reassured that 'everything's really alright,' and that 'Nagisa isn't mad at him,' he seems to lighten up.
"That's… that's a relief," he admits, rubbing his arm. "I've already talked to Yukimura-san, so I guess that means… we're really alright?"
"Yeah," Makoto says, giving him a warm smile. "We're getting there."
Admittedly Nagisa's still a little confused about what all of this means for Kiyoshi, but it's evident he's had a long enough day as is. He can bother him more later. For now his eyes are puffy enough. Besides…
He has a feeling no matter what Kiyoshi says he's not going to be angry.
Once he's certain everything's taken care of he and the spouses decide it's time to head home. They ask the kids if they wanna come with, but they seem all tuckered out.
"Are you kidding me?" Kiyoshi says. "I think I'm gonna go lie down for the next nine hours. Thanks for the offer, though."
"Same here," Fumiko says. "...Thank you for talking me down, though. It meant a lot that you took how I felt seriously."
"Of course," Nagisa says. "Always."
Karma, Gakushuu and Kayano end up taking different cars. They don't particularly want to but that's what happens when you 'completely panic' and 'end up driving three separate cars to the school.' If they ever wanna 'have said cars home by work tomorrow' now's the time to act. It's not like it's a particularly long drive.
Nagisa ends up traveling with Kayano. He promises they'll all regroup and explain what the fuck just happened when they get home, but first things first he wants to make sure she's doing alright.
"So… uh… sorry for summoning you on such short notice," he says as they step in the car.
"Don't be," Kayano responds. "...You needed me. So did the kids."
She turns on the engine and starts to back away from the mountain. Gakushuu and Karma follow after as she takes a turn to the right.
"Still… must have given you a heart attack."
"Okay. That's damn right. You could have been a little more clear with the wording there. 'I found out about the kids' past lives?' Seriously?"
"I thought you knew!"
"About Fumiko!"
"Okay. Yeah. In hindsight it was… a little foolish." Nagisa rubs his shoulder. "But I wasn't exactly thinking clearly."
"Fair enough."
"How do you feel?" he asks. "About… everything? I'm optimistic, but…-"
"Good, actually," Kayano says. "...Listen. I'll discuss it more when I'm inside, but… I feel good." Her gaze is surprisingly focused as she stares down the road. "...Maybe I'd be more unsettled if it was someone we didn't know well, but Kiyoshi? I couldn't be mad at him if I tried."
"That's good," Nagisa says. As obvious as the whole 'don't treat Kiyoshi any differently' answer is, he still knows there had been… a lot of hurt back then. He doesn't want this to reopen any scars.
They're home before they even know it. They step out of the car and wave the others over. Nagisa fumbles for his keys and unlocks the door. The others pile in… and as Gakushuu reaches out to close the door behind him he says... confused and bewildered:
"Okay. So what the hell just happened again?"
"You might wanna sit down," Karma says. "It's a long story."
His advice is just directed towards Gakushuu, but all of them end up taking it.
Kayano, Karma, and Nagisa explain the whole story. It takes a while, but by the time they're done Gakushuu's sitting there with a perturbed expression on his face.
"Yeah," Nagisa says. "...It's a lot."
"I can hardly believe it myself," Karma says. "If you don't think you can wrap your head around this, then it's oka-"
"No," Gakushuu interjects. "I believe you."
"Really?"
Gakushuu nods.
Karma cocks an eyebrow. "You sure came around quick. It took you a lot more convincing to believe the Makoto thing at the start of the year."
Gakushuu shrugs. "It's been a long few months. Besides… even if I'd be hesitant to believe the Fumiko story otherwise, I know Kiyoshi wouldn't make this sort of thing up. He's the last person to seek attention, much less negative attention." He scratches at his chin. "Which… remind me… which personal enemy of yours is this again? '...Yanagisawa?' Is that the one who tried to break Hiroto's ribs and poison you all?"
"No, no-" Nagisa clarifies. "That's Takaoka. Who's not even dead. This guy was more…-"
"Sister's fiance," Kayano says.
"Mad scientist," Nagisa adds on.
"The ugliest one out of all of them," Karma just has to share.
"Oh. Okay," Gakushuu says. "My apologies. I just get them mixed up… all of the 900-something adults that were constantly trying to kill you as middle schoolers."
"Ehhhh," Karma says. "900's a pretty big overestimation. It was closer to four."
"That's still pretty bad!" Gakushuu hisses, before falling silent. He steeples his fingers… deep in thought as he murmurs something under his breath. Nagisa thinks he can make out the words 'medical malpractice' and 'bioterrorism,' but not much more before Gakushuu finally sits up and shakes his head. "Anyways… no. Kiyoshi most certainly would not make that sort of thing up. I have faith in that much.
His head upturns slightly. "I do hope, however, that none of you intend to take it out on that child. Forgive me if I'm undermining what you went through, but I do not want to see a single ounce of a grudge held against him. It's more than clear he had no choice in being born."
"Of course not," Kayano quickly reassures. "I… don't want to see that either. Yanagisawa was… a truly terrible person. I'd know that more than anyone. But for us to take it out on Kiyoshi…" She frowns. "I'd feel really bad. The only people I'd feel comfortable seeing mad at him are Makoto and Fumiko... with them being his peers and all, and… I don't think that's going to happen. Not as long as we make sure they communicate effectively."
Nagisa nods. "I think we're all in agreement that Kiyoshi's a good kid. I'll keep a close eye on him just in case, but… I'm not worried. Not one bit."
"Good," Gakushuu says firmly. "I'd have been genuinely upset if you were."
He's right in saying he maybe doesn't understand the scope of what they went through, but… he also has a point. Nagisa doesn't think any of them could take this out on a kid if they tried.
Maybe they'll all have some things to work through internally… Kayano, especially. But Nagisa trusts them all to be the adults here and not let Kiyoshi hear a word of that.
"Of course," Nagisa says. "Don't worry. I think all of us would be. That's our nephew, after all, isn't it? And it's not like taking it out on him will fix anything. All we can do now is try our best to help him, Fumiko, and Makoto through this. Which… I'm not too worried about, either." Nagisa shifts in his seat. "...We did a really good job today. Thank you all for coming to help me on such short notice."
"Of course," Kayano says. "They're important to us too."
"Besides," Karma tacks on. "We've been trying to get you to lean on us for months. It came as a relief that you were finally willing to ask for some help."
"Well," Nagisa says with a laugh. "I guess that's what being thrust headfirst into such a confusing situation will do to a guy. I'm glad we managed to get it all worked out."
"And I'm glad to have helped," Gakushuu says. "Even if your class was… rambunctious as ever."
Nagisa cocks an eyebrow. "How were they? I feel bad that I didn't get to talk to most of them too much before school let out."
"They seemed relatively well," Gakushuu reassures. "Gossipy, but not particularly disturbed. They will probably want to know what happened between Fumiko and Makoto, and I'm not entirely sure what you should say in that regard, but… I don't think they'll come out of this with any lasting trauma. The minute I walked into the room they seemed to forget what happened entirely... just started pointing their fingers and calling me Jeff Bezos."
"Oh come on," Karma says. "You are NOT Jeff Bezos."
"That I know," Gakushuu replies. "My net worth has to be twice as much."
"I was going to say you had a moral compass, but okay. That works too."
Nagisa rolls his eyes. "I hope they didn't bother you all too much. I know they can be a handful, but…"
"No. It's fine," Gakushuu interjects, before pointing at Karma. "I've dealt with much worse. I had to tell them the story of how we got together to sate their insatiable appetite for gossip, but… ultimately they still did their pre-algebra, and…" he smiles. "It's a story I like looking back on, anyways."
"I think we all do," Nagisa replies. "Makoto will probably be a little mad you shared that without him, but I figure we can give him the play-by-play another time."
"Toss Fumiko in, too, why don't you?" Karma asks. "Can't wait to see her expression when she realizes I meant it when I said I asked Nagisa out in a WcDonalds bathroom."
Gakushuu groans. "I still can't believe you did that."
"Neither can I!"
"You think that's bad?" Nagisa asks. "Imagine how she'll react when she learns it took me like nine years to realize her sister had a crush on me! She'll probably kick my ass!"
"I dunno," Kayano says with a laugh. "I'd give her a little more credit than that."
"Okay then," Nagisa says. "Forget kicking my ass. She'll break my neck."
"Not what I meant, but okay."
"Holy hell it still sounds weird hearing that," Karma says. "Fumiko referred to as your sister. How long have you known?"
"A few months," Kayano says. "Sorry for not sharing, but she asked me to keep it between us. Don't worry. You get used to it pretty quickly, as weird as that sounds."
"Oh, I can only assume," Karma says. "I guess I just wouldn't have expected any of this craziness at the start of the year."
"You say that like it's over," Nagisa retorts. "There's still a good month and a half left of school. I'm sure those kids have a surprise or two left in store for us."
"Good lord no," Gakushuu begs. "Anything more and I'm going to have an aneurysm. Let's make 'Kiyoshi is the reincarnation of a decade-deceased sociopath' the last of this year's surprises."
"I wouldn't worry about it too much," Karma says. "As wild as… like… literally anything else would be at this point, we don't have too many decade-deceased sociopaths left to check off the list. And besides… whatever comes our way… whether it be more past-life drama or another huge fight, I know we can handle it. We've been a team for fifteen years now, yeah? Whatever comes next we face it together."
"...Yeah," Kayano says.
"Yeah," even Gakushuu must admit.
It's a nice idea. And… an opinion that Nagisa's shared for quite some time. Of course they can tackle anything together! They're a family! But… hearing it after facing down something as scary as that… it only serves to make it feel all the more genuine. At the start of this entire mess Nagisa had felt so scared… so helpless. But having worked it all out… realized it was actually quite small… it makes him feel good about himself.
It makes him feel like…
It makes him feel like he could handle almost anything.
What a peculiar notion. It's not a feeling Nagisa's felt a lot. He's not exactly a confident guy. But listening to his spouses laugh… thinking about how they'd taken a situation almost impossible to comprehend and worked it all out… it makes him happy. It makes him feel safe. It even…-
"Hey. Uh… can I say something crazy?"
All three of them look his way. Karma kicks his leg up on the table.
"Sure," he says. "Can't possibly be any crazier than anything else you've thrown at us today."
"Of course," Kayano says. "Anything."
Nagisa hesitates… thinks it over for just one more moment… and blurts it out.
"I think I'm ready to have kids."
There's maybe a full second of silence before chaos breaks out. Kayano jolts. Gakushuu stares. Karma kicks his foot and just about knocks a vase off of the damn table.
"THAT'S what sold you on it!?" he demands, expression bewildered. "I take it back! That is literally more insane than a single other thing we've learned today."
"I mean- I'm certainly not opposed to the idea!" Kayano squeaks. "But Karma! Does have a point! Why the sudden change of heart!? You can't possibly mean learning about… t… that changed your mind!"
"No! No! Of course not!" Nagisa replies. "Well- I mean - sorta! But not primarily! I meant! More! Like-! Like that was a scary situation, but we handled it so well! We encountered something we never would have expected and we - we took it in stride. Somehow I actually knew what to say to Makoto today. And I- I never would have expected that of myself! If I could handle something as crazy as that then maybe…! Maybe I'm finally ready to handle anything life throws my way! Maybe I… maybe I..." he glances towards the ground. "...Maybe I can face anything with you guys."
"I know that… I know that sounds a little ridiculous. But I've been thinking a lot lately… about what it means to be a good person. And about what it means to be a good influence on kids. I'm still not sure I have all the answers, but…" he pauses. "I think I'm finally convinced I won't screw this up. I don't know if that makes much sense, but-"
"No," a stern voice interjects. "I… think I get what you're saying."
Every head shoots up.
"Seriously!?" Karma asks. "Not that I'm - I'm not complaining! I'd love to have a kid to, like, smother in affection and tease or whatever! But aren't you supposed to be the rational one here!? Don't tell me the baby fight sold you on this too!"
Gakushuu gives him an offended look.
"Absolutely not," he says. "But… I must second Nagisa's notion. We worked together well as a team unit today. Perhaps… we finally are ready to start a family. I've been thinking about it for a while now, and... we know how to account for each other's weaknesses. We know that we will not be able to do anything we'd regret with the others around. I was so, so scared of being a bad person… of being a bad father. But I know by now you all would not allow that to happen."
"I…-" Nagisa sputters. "Exactly! I… maybe I wouldn't make the best dad. But I think I'm finally ready to put in my all. And I think… you guys have spent the past fifteen years making me the best I can be. I'm finally starting to believe in myself now. And I know for sure that I believe in you."
"I'm sorry it took me so long to come around. And I- I understand if now's not the best time for… that. But… but if the possibility ever comes up again in the future, I'm not going to be scared."
He feels comforted by the fact that Gakushuu understands where he's coming from. For a second he'd been afraid that Gakushuu was still scared too. But if… but if he's finally starting to believe in his ability to do right by people, too, then…-
Kayano scoots closer to the two of them.
"...Nagisa... Gakushuu. I'm really happy you feel that way. You have no idea how much it broke my heart to hear you were scared you'd grow up to be abusive parents. Both of you are so much better than that." She pauses... stares. "I know I for one am still certainly not opposed to the idea of a kid. I mean- hell! I'd love it! I wouldn't have brought it up in the first place if I didn't... I've always wanted to be a mom!" She grins for a long moment. She soon shakes her head and calms down, but it's more than evident she's in good spirits. "You're right that - uh - now probably isn't the best time, but…" that little grin starts to creep up her face once more. "...It could be a really good plan for the future."
"Karma?" Nagisa asks. "You're the only one who hasn't said anything. What do you think?"
Karma's quiet for a long moment… before standing.
"I'm thinking it's about time I start throwing away the condoms."
Gakushuu's on him in an instant. Attempting to drag him back down to the couch he hisses "For fuck's sake, Akabane! Did you even hear what Akari just said!? 'Plan for the future!' FU-TURE!"
Karma grins, but doesn't back down. Elbowing Gakushuu he says "Whattttt!? Aw, c'mon! Let me pull your leg a little! I gotta start working on my humor if I ever wanna tell dad jokes!"
"Your humor!? Your humor!?" Gakushuu snaps. "No need! You're already the biggest joke I know!"
...Nagisa decides not to mention that in between the fact that he's transgender and the fact that he's the only one who even has intercourse with Kayano they're not a family that needs condoms in the first place. He'll let them have their fun.
For now he's just content to listen to them bicker. Kayano looks his way… rolling her eyes before reaching out to take his hand.
"You're right," she whispers. "We did good work today. I'm happy you came around, Nagisa."
"Well," Nagisa says. "...I had to eventually. I couldn't let my fears control me forever."
"Still. It's a milestone. You should be proud of yourself."
Nagisa gives a small nod. "...You think we'll make a good family?"
Kayano looks over to where Gakushuu and Karma are wrestling on the couch… then back towards Nagisa.
"The best," she says. "I'm sure of it."
Ultimately they decide to get more of the details worked out later. For now they're just happy to have the hard part out of the way. They chat a while more about the crazy day… about their crazy family and the whole crazy year they've embarked on. Gakushuu still says most of what happened didn't make any sense… that there's no scientific explanation for any bit of it. But… he's happy to have had a part. Especially if it helped them come to such an important revelation.
"It's okay to not have all the answers sometimes, I suppose," he admits. "Even if I… still… like… want to drink until I forget how little sense reincarnation makes entirely."
"I'm with you there, buddy," Karma says. "But I wouldn't sweat it too much. We're in easy street now."
He says that so confidently, but Nagisa's not sure. Something tells him this year still has a few surprises in store.
But if they're anything like today and what it helped him realize… then… he can't wait to find out what they are, with his family by his side.
Kiyoshi passes out the minute he gets home.
Dad asks if he's alright… says it looks like he's been crying, but he reassures him that everything's fine. "There was a bit of an issue at school, but… we got everything worked out. I feel a lot better now."
He briefly wonders if he should tell his dad the whole story but ultimately decides against it. He'd asked Nagisa and co if they thought there was anyone else he had to tell and they hadn't seemed to think so.
"This is personal to you, Kiyoshi," Nagisa had said. "I think… as long as the people that person hurt most know, then you're not obligated to tell anyone else. You deserve time to process it before you let the whole world know. And that's only if you want to let the whole world know at all. No-one's going to be mad at you for not walking around with a giant warning sign stapled to your forehead."
...Yeah. The thought of telling Dad is too scary right now. If anything now the only person he really has left to tell is like… Itona. Dad? Dad won't mind. And besides… something tells him even if he did share the news his dad wouldn't care very much at all.
After all... his dad's finally starting to convince him that he'll love him no matter what.
With that decision no longer eating at him he marches over to the couch. Dad asks him if he's tired… says maybe he should lay down in bed, but Kiyoshi reassures him there's no need for that.
"I'm just a little tuckered out. That's all. I'm gonna watch some TV if that's alright."
"More than," Karasuma says. "Go right ahead. I won't bother you."
Kiyoshi reaches over to flick on the tv. But before he knows it his limbs feel heavy. His eyes droop and he starts to yawn. Despite himself, and despite his pride, he drifts off in no time.
...Kiyoshi dreams of warm things.
Kiyoshi awakes to a cell phone buzzing.
At first he peeks an eye open… but soon decides against it. When he spots his dad staring down his cell phone across the room he realizes it's not for him. He turns over on the couch, nuzzling into the pillow and only tenses once more when he hears his name.
"...Kiyoshi?"
At first he thinks he's being addressed. But as he begins to come to his senses he realizes Dad is talking to the person on the other line. He freezes… throat closing up as he listens in. He hates to assume all news about him is bad news, but… today's been an awfully long day... and he doesn't exactly have a good track record with surprise phone calls.
"Yeah. He's sleeping now. Did you want to talk to him?"
There are soft footsteps as Dad approaches. As he gets closer, however, Kiyoshi swears he can make out the voice on the other end of the line.
"Actually… I… wanted to talk about him."
...Kayano.
He feels his heart stop in his chest. But despite his urge to scream he doesn't move a muscle. No. No. He needs to hear whatever it is she has to say. Otherwise he'll… he'll…-
Well, he'll be very scared.
Dad sits down next to him. Careful to not crush his legs he places himself down on the couch... brushes a blanket aside and says "Of course. What is it?"
Kiyoshi hates himself for feeling so on edge. He just had a good conversation with Kayano today! But how could he not? Out of anyone she's the one with the most reason to hate him. What if… what if she changed her mind? What if she decided his dad has to know after all?
(What if… what if his dad doubts him for a second? What if… what if he's mad?)
He doesn't want to think of the possibility.
"Well… I'm not sure if you know this, but the two of us talked today. There was a bit of an incident at the school and Nagisa called me and the others in."
"Is everything okay?"
"Uh… yeah," Kayano reassures. "Don't worry. Kiyoshi should be alright. I just decided… maybe there are some things I should tell you."
Karasuma's quiet.
"...Go on?"
It takes all of Kiyoshi's will not to shake. Some part of him wants to interject - sit up and scream ' don't!' but he can't, no matter how desperately he wants to . He's not willing to admit he'd been eavesdropping on his dad… and besides, that wouldn't be very fair to Kayano.
If she wants to share then… then… then…-
This is the end for him.
He'd felt fine just a minute ago, but his mind starts to race. What if his dad kicks him out? What if he tells Mom? What will Mom think? Will she start to cry? Or will she just be angry? What if he does lose her… just not in the way he expected?
"Kiyoshi and I had a very long talk today about a very sensitive subject and I just… I just guess I wanted to let you know that…"
That…-
Kiyoshi's breath hitches.
"...You raised a really good kid, Karasuma."
And slowly… it releases. Kiyoshi lets out a shaky breath. Sits there quietly and asks himself...
'What?'
"I know that…" Kayano pauses. "I know that you've made a lot of mistakes with him. But I was just sitting there thinking about it and I guess… I wanted to thank you. You've done the best you could for him. And…it's clear you're working on it a little every day. He's a good kid. Super kind. Super sensitive. And in a world where…-" Her voice quivers just slightly. "Well, in a world where a lot of people aren't like that… I'm thankful he could grow up the way he did. He's going to become a really good adult. I wanted to let you know that. Because... I know you worry sometimes. But he's gonna be alright. I promise. You did pretty alright."
There's a long moment of silence. Dad breathes in… then out. Kiyoshi lies next to him pretending to sleep and feels his eyes start to water.
How could he… how could he ever have assumed that-?
Of course Kayano wouldn't think ill of him!
Dad reaches out to place a hand on Kiyoshi's head. His touch is surprisingly warm.
"Well… I don't know if I did particularly okay," he admits. "I've failed him in many ways. And I feel shame for that. But… you are right about one thing." he pauses. "He's a good kid. And I'm relieved you think so too. As much as I worry about him, I truly do believe that he'll turn out okay. And that… well…" he pauses. "...That his future looks bright."
For once he sounds genuinely choked up. Kiyoshi can hardly believe his ears... believe Dad could have faith in that... but slowly Dad scoots closer... ruffles his hair and smiles.
It's only then that Kiyoshi finally perceives the silky-soft blanket draped over him. The blanket that hadn't been there when he'd first fallen asleep. Of... of course Dad believes that. He loves him!
And… Kayano loves him, too.
"That it does," Kayano agrees. "Shitty parents raise shitty kids, Karasuma-sensei. And… Kiyoshi… well… Kiyoshi's not shitty. I can't wait to see what kind of person he becomes."
Despite himself, a tear dribbles down Kiyoshi's cheek. He hopes Dad doesn't notice but he just can't help himself. It's one of those things that's so hard for him to believe! But everytime he hears it in words he just… just-
...He guesses he's just a worrier, too. Like Dad is. Every time things have been even remotely close to okay for him something's gone wrong. The minute he accepted himself he learned about being Yanagisawa… and the minute he started to come to terms with that is the minute his mom blew up overseas. He's used to being on guard! He's used to not being able to accept these kinds of moments… quiet heart-to-heart talks with Kayano and receiving acceptance curled up on the couch next to his dad! But maybe… maybe this time really is different. Because…-
His friends and family - all of them - love him for who he truly is.
'Kiyoshi Karasuma: kind… sensitive… a bit of a worrier.'
For once… he actually doesn't hate the sound of that. Yeah… in comparison to 'narcissistic… lonely… angry,' he'd take that any day.
Turns out he's thankful for the sort of person his family's molded him into, too. Warts and all. When he's 'awake' he'll have to thank them for it. But for now he thinks he'll let Kayano do the talking.
She goes on for a while longer, but it turns out she doesn't have much more to say. Dad asks if that's all… if that's all she wanted to share and she admits that yeah, it was.
"I just couldn't get my mind off of it. I hope that's okay."
"More than," Dad says.
"Tell him… tell him I'm proud of him sometime, alright?"
"Of course."
"And… you tell him the same."
"Don't worry," Dad reassures "I fully intend to."
With that… Kayano hangs up. They exchange a few kind last words and then it's over. Even as he pockets his phone, however, Dad doesn't stand. He simply sits there… hand still on Kiyoshi's forehead as he watches him sleep.
For once… his gaze doesn't feel intense. And if he notices the little tear trails running down Kiyoshi's cheeks he certainly doesn't comment. Just runs his hands through his hair… and smiles, maybe, as Kiyoshi snuggles into his side and falls back asleep.
Kiyoshi and Makoto decide to talk a few days later. They've all had a stressful week and Kiyoshi's pretty sure Makoto needs some space to himself. But as the weekend passes them by and the next week rolls around Kiyoshi taps Makoto's shoulder that Monday.
"Hey," he says. "You wanna… uh… chat after school? I don't wanna spring any sudden super-serious conversations on you, but I know you and Fumiko had a heart to heart, and I was starting to think… maybe it's time we do the same. There are still a lot of things we haven't talked about."
Makoto startles… and initially looks ready to argue. He opens his mouth… says "Well… I'm not sure there's all that much to talk about," before really thinking it through. Kiyoshi shoots him a serious look. "Well… unless… okay! Scratch that, actually. There are a few things to talk about I guess, I mean… if you really want to."
"Yeah," Kiyoshi says. "I really want to."
"Okay!" Makoto agrees. "Let's talk, then! After school, I mean! About… uh… all of our serious stuff."
It's more than clear he still feels awkward about the idea, but… it's baby steps that matter. Kiyoshi wants to know how he really feels about him… make sure Makoto isn't hiding anything from him in the same way he was hiding his feelings from Fumiko. He'll take some awkwardness if that's what it requires. It's the fact that Makoto's trying at all that really matters.
With that out of the way, Kiyoshi returns to his seat. Which, by the way, has returned to being back to Makoto. He'd asked Nagisa and Nagisa had been more than happy to move him back.
Fumiko's still keeping her distance a little… but it's definitely not a cold distance. She doesn't ask to have her seat moved back, at least not yet, but she returns to being able to talk to them slowly but surely. In the meantime, she gets to know the rest of her classmates… jokes with Yoshito and compliments Riko when she waddles in through the door. Kiyoshi is happy for her. She deserves a support system outside of just the two of them. And besides… he knows just how much bravery it must take for her to open herself up to other people like that. She's getting better, too.
She doesn't mind when the two of them ask to talk privately. She has to go home right away on Mondays, anyways, and besides… she's the one who told Kiyoshi to have an honest-to-god heart-to-heart with Makoto in the first place.
"If anything important comes up I trust you not to hide it from me," she tells him. "But if you're just going to be talking about the things you did to him and how he feels about them… then… that's not my place. Good luck, you two."
At the end of the school day she leaves the two of them alone... gives them the tiniest smile and heads down over the mountain. Kiyoshi hopes everything will be alright for her at home.
Makoto waves him over. Sits down on one of the benches and props his legs up in front of him. Noting that he looks a little like a fucking gargoyle Kiyoshi walks over to take a seat beside him. Needless to say, he opts for sitting like a normal human being.
"So," Makoto says. "What is it you wanted to talk about? Like… in particular?"
Kiyoshi's quiet. "Well… I was thinking about it… and… I realized we hadn't had a real talk about all the shitty stuff I did to you. Fumiko and I got to sit down and talk about all of that. And even if it probably didn't really help I like to think it at least gave her some sort of closure. You haven't gotten that. When I first told you who I was you were too preoccupied with making me feel better. But how do you feel about all of this, Makoto?"
Makoto's quiet… thinking it over for a long moment. Lowering a leg and then kicking it absentmindedly he says "Good, I think."
"But like… really good?" Kiyoshi asks. "You're sort of an expert at hiding when you're upset. You're not hiding that from me, are you?" He pauses. "...You're not hiding that from yourself?"
"I don't think so," Makoto admits. "I mean… okay…- So it's probably for the wrong reason, but I… am kinda relieved you're that guy. Like… legitimately relieved. I meant what I told you when you first came to me. It made me feel like- like there was still a chance for me. I was super messed up about the whole serial killer thing. But being able to look at you and go 'he's such a good guy now...' I stopped feeling like a lost cause!"
He's looking over at the school building. Hands clasped nervously, fidgets back and forth.
Kiyoshi frowns.
"...You're not a lost cause, Makoto."
"I know," Makoto says. "I mean… I know, but I don't know." He shrugs. "Everyone keeps telling me that, but I'm still trying to get it figured out for myself."
"Okay. Okay. Yeah. I feel that."
"But! Uh! Yeah! I meant it!" Makoto says, perking up a little. "That I don't hate you. Maybe it means I was projecting a little and I dunno if you're okay with that, but I really don't. And if it makes you feel any better I still think I wouldn't even if I wasn't. You're my friend. And… I trust you. I meant most of what I told you. I'm not mad at you. And I'm not sad really, either. You're still..." he pauses. "...You."
There's this slightest hesitation to his tone. All the same… Kiyoshi doesn't think he's lying. He scoots away slightly, noting that 'most.' Makoto's not sad. Makoto's not angry. He's just…-
"Are you scared?"
Makoto startles slightly.
"E-excuse me!?"
"Are you scared?" Kiyoshi repeats. "You asked me the same thing a few months back. During the Moon Unit. And I answered you honestly. So please… answer me, too. Does what happened frighten you?"
Makoto's quiet.
"Makoto," Kiyoshi says. "Tell me. Please."
"I mean… a little," Makoto admits with a whine. "Not of- not even of you, Kiyoshi! But of that guy! And I feel terrible about it. I shouldn't…- I know I don't have anything to worry about anymore. But sometimes I see you and I…-" he shakes his head. "...I don't know. I'm sorry."
"...Don't be," Kiyoshi says. "I mean… I can't exactly blame you."
"But it feels like - it feels like that's somehow admitting you're a bad person!"
"Not necessarily!" Kiyoshi refutes. "I mean… you just said you weren't even scared of me. Just… who I used to be. Why would I take that personally?" He shifts. "I agree that guy was a shithead. And besides… I mean… I was scared of you and that didn't make you a bad guy, did it? You're just…" he pauses. "...You're working through a lot of trauma."
'Trauma,' he thinks. 'What a heavy word.'
Makoto's quiet for a long moment. Staring down at his beat-up shoes he sniffles gently. He seems ashamed, almost.
"...Sometimes I have nightmares 'bout it."
Kiyoshi fidgets uncomfortably. There's this horrible, twisted feeling in his gut, but he can't exactly say he's surprised. Of course Makoto's scared. He still remembers what sort of shit the poor dude had to go through.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"It… it really hurt," Makoto admits. "The… the whole antimatter thing. I don't even know how to begin to describe it. Sometimes I close my eyes and I'm just… back there. With the needles... and the isolation... and the horrible pain." His voice cracks a little. "...It scares the crap out of me. And I know that's irrational… but… but-"
"It's not irrational," Kiyoshi says. "I mean… you're safe now, but… you have every right to be afraid. You did go through all that and that's one time too many for something like that to happen. I'd be scared, too."
He closes his eyes and makes out a wicked grin.
Sometimes, he is.
"Kiyoshi?" Makoto says. "Can I ask you a question? Like… a real question?"
Kiyoshi nods.
"It's… uh… one of those questions with an obvious answer. But I think I really need to hear it. And… I'm sorry if it offends you. I just keep thinking about it and, and-"
Kiyoshi reaches out to place a hand on his shoulder. "Hey," he says. "It's okay. Breathe. You can ask me. I'm not gonna be mad."
Makoto looks at him… then looks away. Seeming small, somehow, he asks.
"...You wouldn't do that to me again, right?"
He tenses up instantly.
"I know that's a terrible thing to ask, but I just need to hear it from you! Please! Tell me you wouldn't hurt me, Kiyoshi!"
And with that… he falls silent... covers his face with his hands and quivers, utterly ashamed.
Kiyoshi pulls away… frowns and removes his hand from his shoulder. Placing his hands in his lap he says.
"...Of course not, Makoto."
Makoto seems to have expected him to be offended, but he's not. How can he be hurt? He's been asking himself the same damn question for the past three months! But he's certain by now. He knows the answer. And it's no.
"I would never, ever do that to you."
Makoto peeks an eye open… peers out at Kiyoshi from between his fingers.
"...Even if you thought you had something to gain from it?"
"Even if I thought I had something to gain from it."
"...And even if I screwed you over really, really badly?"
"Even if you screwed me over really, really badly."
"And… even… even if you thought you could change the whole wide world?"
"...Even if I thought I could change the whole wide world." Kiyoshi scoots closer to Makoto... gives him a gentle look. "Even if the entire world depended on it, I wouldn't fucking care. I would never lay a hand on you again."
Slowly… Makoto seems to relax. He lets out a deep, raggedly breath and lowers his hands. "Okay…" he says, nervous. "...Okay. That's… that's really good to hear. I'm happy to hear that." He reaches up to bat at one eye… shakes his head and returns to his usual demeanor. "I'm sorry for asking you that. I know that must have really hurt. And… it wasn't really good friend-like behavior. But I had to know for my own peace of mind."
"It's okay," Kiyoshi reassures. "I'm… glad to see you willing to talk about these sorts of things."
Makoto nods. "Still," he says. "I feel like a bit of a wimp. I mean… what kinda guy is scared of his own friend?"
"What kinda guy is the reincarnation of a Mach 20 octopus?" Kiyoshi retorts. "...We're not exactly normal. Besides, if it makes you feel any better…-" He pauses for a long moment. "...I get scared sometimes, too."
He shifts slightly. He's not sure it was the right thing to say, but while they're being all open and honest with each other he figures he may as well bring it up. As much as he doesn't want Makoto to hide things from him, he doesn't want to hide things from Makoto, either. Especially if they might make him feel better.
Makoto frowns.
"What? Of me?" He asks.
"Well… of Korosensei," Kiyoshi says. "Of Reaper."
For a moment he worries he'd offended Makoto, but Makoto simply stares at him with a bewildered expression.
"I already knew that, you know. You told me back during the moon unit."
"Well… yeah," Kiyoshi says. "But now you know why." He scratches at his arm. "...Honestly I feel pretty silly about it. Rationally I know you were a good guy. You have, like, way more reasons to be afraid of me than I do of you, so don't… like… feel bad about it. I just figured I should say it. That it might help you feel more normal or whatever."
"Mmmm," Makoto says, glancing towards the ground. "Honestly I can't blame you. I mean… I did do some pretty messed up stuff to you."
It's Kiyoshi's turn to shrug.
"Some pretty messed up stuff I more or less deserved," he argues. "You were just protecting yourself."
"Is that what you call gouging a guys eyes out and, like… feeding them to him?"
"First of all, that's not what happened."
"I know. I know," Makoto lounges back. "I'm still not mad at you, though. I… like… mutilated you. And then when I was done with that I managed to get you trapped in your own unmoving body. Even if Yanagisawa maybe deserved that, you don't deserve to have to remember it. Just like… I don't deserve to have to remember what happened in that lab."
"Mmmm," Kiyoshi agrees quietly. "I guess I just worry that like… feeling self-pity about it is validating how that guy felt, and that validating how that guy felt means excusing how he behaved. I never want to do that."
"Of course not," Makoto says. "But… I wouldn't worry about it. You're just… well…" he pauses. "You're traumatized too."
Kiyoshi nods. He's still not exactly sure he believes that, but it's nice to hear.
"...You wanna hear something kinda funny?" he asks. "I mean… like… fucked up, too. Super fucked up, but I think you'll get a kick out of it."
"Sure," Makoto says. "How bad can it be?"
He looks sheepish, almost. Kiyoshi feels sheepish, too.
"...My sleep paralysis demon came back."
Makoto's jaw drops.
"FUCKING PARDON!?"
"You heard me!" Kiyoshi cries, covering his face with his hands. "My Korosensei sleep paralysis demon came back!"
"I thought you hadn't had that since you were five!"
"I hadn't!" Kiyoshi exclaims. "But I guess I just got really stressed and I… yeah." He trails off. "... Yeah."
He lets out a frustrated groan. In hindsight he's really embarrassed, but at the time it had felt so real.
"...Oh man," Makoto says. "You must have been really scared of me."
"Just a little," Kiyoshi admits with a shrug. "...But not through any fault of yours. I was just… I was just struggling to come to terms with myself, and I guess the fear of you rejecting me manifested as that. Sounds pretty dumb, but…"
"It's not dumb," Makoto interjects. "I got on your ass for thinking I was a demon at the sleepover, but now I can't exactly blame you." He frowns. "I hope the nightmares have at least let up."
"Yeah," Kiyoshi says. "Don't worry. Mostly. Once I told Fumiko I think that… that eased a lot of the guilt."
"That's good," Makoto says. "But in case the guy ever comes back here's a message from me to him, alright? 'Leave my pal alone! He didn't do anything wrong and the real Korosensei would never be mad at him. I know because I am him! And if you ever bother him again I'm gonna come at you with all of my Mach 20 rage! Just try me, creep!'"
"...Did you just tell me to threaten my sleep paralysis demon with superpowers you literally don't have?"
"What?" Makoto says, giving him an awkward smile. "...A little too silly?"
"Nah," Kiyoshi says, smiling back. "It's… pretty perfect, actually."
"Good," Makoto says, giving him a firm slap on the back. "Because I can't have you worrying on my watch. You just told me you're never gonna hurt me, so here's the same for you: you're safe. We're safe now. And I am never gonna lay a finger on you. No matter what happens."
"...Promise?"
"Yeah," Makoto says. "I mean… you already came out as that guy. If that didn't make me mad at you I don't think ANYTHING could."
"Okay. So first of all: don't call it that."
"What? Coming out?"
"Yes, 'coming out!'" Kiyoshi hisses. "Do you even understand what that means?"
Makoto cocks his head. "Not particularly."
"I… I…-" Kiyoshi shakes his head. "Okay. Whatever. Forget it." He's already had a very long day and he doesn't exactly feel like explaining the moral intricacies of oppression to Makoto, much less the fact that he just compared being the reincarnation of a serial abuser to, like… being a gay person. "Second of all…" He relaxes slightly. "...Thanks. I know I don't exactly deserve that, but... it means a lot."
"You do deserve it, dude," Makoto reassures, giving him a gentle punch on the shoulder. "I know it'll probably take you time to believe that, but you do. Even if… both of us are scared right now that doesn't mean you deserve to be treated any less than well."
"Yeah. Yeah. I know," Kiyoshi says. "I guess things are just so weird right now."
"Hey," Makoto says. "Weird is okay. I learned that from Fumiko. Maybe things can't just go back to normal right away, but maybe… that's also alright. We just gotta work through this together. That way hopefully one day all the horrible stuff we did to each other won't hurt as much anymore."
"Mmm," Kiyoshi agrees. "I'm… looking forward to that. More than anything I just want to leave that guy's legacy behind."
Makoto nods… before pausing.
"You know… it's a little funny," he says. "How we keep calling him that. He… like… had a name. A really shitty name, but he did. Why do we keep saying 'that guy?'"
"Okay so first of all I'm pretty sure that's both an actual name other people have and a brand of Saxophone so I dunno about inherently shitty," Kiyoshi muses. "But… personally… I dunno. It just feels weird to say. Offensive, almost. Like… admitting I'm that guy. Which I am, but…" he drifts off. "I don't really like thinking about it."
"Afraid if you say it three times in a row you'll summon him?"
Kiyoshi snorts. "Yeah. Sure." He gives another shrug. "No joke I'm pretty sure I'd much rather have someone address me as, 'that fucker' than call me that."
"Rat fucker," Makoto proposes.
"Let's not."
"He who shall not be named."
"Makoto!"
"What!?" Makoto demands with a giggle. "If you don't like saying it we may as well come up with more clever insults to call him than 'that guy!'"
Kiyoshi thinks it over for a long moment, before piping up with "Buttchin."
Makoto elbows him. "You can do better than that!"
"Moon-destroying lame asshole."
"Yes!"
"Insecure, tiny-dicked fucking hack scientist!"
"Yes!"
"Polyphemus!"
"Sure!"
"GHETSIS FROM POKEMON!"
"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"
Finally, Makoto bowels over with laughter. Clutching at his sides he wheezes for breath. Kiyoshi follows soon after, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes as he struggles for breath. He thinks about just how damn humiliated he'd have been back then to be referred to this way and can barely suppress his grin. It's nice to think he's lightened up a little.
As he manages to finally catch his breath he dabs at his eyes. He turns Makoto's way and smiles.
"This is why you're such a good friend," he says. "You take even the dumbest shit that's worrying me and turn it into something I can laugh about. No-one else has ever been able to do that, you know."
"Yeah?" Makoto says. "I'm glad. You're a good friend, too. You keep me grounded." He gives Kiyoshi a mischievous smirk. "That, and you don't make me vomit up my own blood. Thanks for that."
Kiyoshi's reaction is pretty much instantaneous.
"MAKOTO!"
"What!?" Makoto says, barely masking another cackle. "It's true, isn't it!?"
"It- I mean - yes! But I don't want to think about it!" Kiyoshi shrieks, covering his face. "It's so embarrassing! I think I'm going to die!"
"Noooooooo!" Makoto cries, leaning on him with all of his weight. "Don't die! I still need you around!"
"Too late! I'm dead, Makoto! I'm dead!"
Even so, despite his screeching… and despite the bright red creeping up his cheeks, Kiyoshi laughs too.
"You were right," Makoto says after another moment of laughter. "It… does feel a lot better to have this out in the open. I mean… it's still like majorly fucked up, but… it's nice to talk about how I feel. And it's nice to crack jokes about it, too."
"Mmmm," Kiyoshi says, still thoroughly flustered. "...It makes it feel a lot less serious." He pauses. "Even if it- like - totally is."
"Of course," Makoto says. "I don't think either of us are undermining that. I mean… we did both go through it." He pauses. "...Though we probably shouldn't do this around Fumiko. Make it funny, I mean. I dunno if she'd feel the same way."
Kiyoshi pauses. At first he's worried Makoto is trying to hide things from Fumiko again, but giving it further thought it actually seems to be the opposite. He's finally considering how she feels.
"We'll ask," he says. "If she doesn't want to miss out then who are we to deprive her of all those sweet, sweet 'getting impaled' jokes?"
He feels mortified pretty much as soon as he says it.
"Kiyoshi!" Makoto shrieks, but soon agrees that's a good idea. "...Yeah. We'll ask her. And if it makes her uncomfortable then we'll keep it between us." He pauses. "...I don't want her to feel unsafe again."
"Yeah," Kiyoshi says. "Me neither."
...It seems the both of them are making pretty decent progress after all.
"You know," Kiyoshi says. "Are you sure there's nothing I can do to make it up to you? For all that happened, I mean? I hate to keep pestering if everything's really okay, but you've just been such a good friend to me. I'd hate to not pay you back."
Makoto thinks it over for a long minute. Finally, perking up, he says "Well… if you're really so insistent on repaying me: the gracious and kind Prince of the Fateful Eternal Wind for forgiving you, I suppose you could always owe me a life debt. Starting now you're my servant. You're to follow my every command and hand-feed me candy. Yellow Starbursts only."
Kiyoshi reels back.
"I am not doing that!"
"Okay! Okay! Fine!" Makoto relents, holding up his hands. "I suppose I'll accept the pink kind too! Since I'm feeling super merciful!"
"I'm not feeling you any candy, you needy weirdo!"
"I thought you just said you wanted to make it up to me!?"
"Through- like! My actions! Not a fucking life debt!"
"When you think about it a life debt is just a really long series of actions!"
"Makoto!"
"Okay! Fine! How about you give me superpowers again!? But this time in - like- a not fucked up way! I just swallow a pill or eat some bugs or something and then I can fly!"
"That's not how that works and also are you forgetting I'm FUCKING THIRTEEN!? I can barely pass a math test! You think I can turn you into Spiderman!?"
"You don't need math to give a guy superpowers!"
"YES!" Kiyoshi cries. "YOU DO."
He's not sure whether to laugh or to scream.
"And besides!" he tacks on. "I'm not planning to touch science ever again, anyways! I do not fuck with that evil shit."
Makoto gives him a weird look. "You seriously think science is evil?"
"Well... no. Of course not," Kiyoshi replies. "It's just... I dunno... weird. I don't wanna participate in it, at least."
Makoto looks ready to argue but must decide against it. Instead, wiping at his eyes he says "Alright. Alright. Anyways... all that I was trying to show you was how dumb you sounded. I don't need a life debt. You've already long since made it up to me. You've got nothing to worry about." He pauses for a long moment. "...Are you SURE you can't hand feed me candy, though? Just double checking?"
"YES, MAKOTO. I'm sure."
"O- kay," Makoto repeats. "I get the memo. Seriously, though. You're fine. If you really wanna do me a favor all I ask is that you just keep being yourself. None of this 'needing to make it up to me' nonsense. I wouldn't want you to stop being willing to call me out on my bullshit and laugh with me just because you feel like you need to walk on eggshells around me. You're my ball and chain. Don't change that. That would be boring. That would suck."
A touching statement, almost. If not for…-
"Ball and chain?" Kiyoshi asks, bewildered.
"Yeah! Ball and chain!" Makoto exclaims, pointing at his ankle. "What's with the face? Do you not know what that means?"
"No. I most certainly know what that means. I'm just wondering if you-"
"Ball and chain!" Makoto repeats, pointing doubly intensely. "You know! Like in jail! You hold me back!" He pauses. "But like… in a good way! You're all like 'Makoto don't jump off a cliff!' 'Makoto you're going to get yourself killed!' Rational friend stuff! That's the kind of ball and chain you are."
"A… ah," Kiyoshi says, deciding not to explain to Makoto that he just used a term that almost exclusively only sexist men use to refer to their wives. Makoto's linguistic ability is a fucking trainwreck and that's an issue for another day. For now…
"Don't worry," he reassures. "I don't intend to change one bit. I'll keep being the stick in the mud friend you know. If there's anyone I feel comfortable being myself around it's you."
"Awwwww," Makoto muses. "You are so sweet. I'm glad you feel safe around me, dude."
"Of course," Kiyoshi says. "We're friends."
And finally… he feels lighter. He thinks… they've talked about all they needed to talk about, actually. This conversation had really scared him going into it, but now that it's over he feels like he's got a lot less to worry about. It's more than clear whatever comes next the two of them will work through it together.
"A… anyways," he says, embarrassed almost by the tender moment. "That's all I had to talk about. Is there anything else you want to get off your chest before we head out? I wouldn't… I wouldn't want to leave any unanswered questions or ignored demands-"
"Nah," Makoto says. "I'm good. Let's go. If we hurry up we can make it to Nagisa's place before four. I'm down for Mario Kart if you are."
"I'm… I'm more than down!" Kiyoshi exclaims, hopping to his feet. "Even if… neitherofusprobablystandachanceagainstKarma."
"Eh," Makoto says with a shrug. "I'm not scared of him. I'll kick his ass and prove you wrong."
"...Ha," Kiyoshi says. "Yeah. You usually do."
But… that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Where that stubborn adversity had once pissed him off he thinks more than anything now it just impresses him. Watching Makoto start to bound down the mountain he feels a smile creep up his face.
"Thanks, by the way," Makoto says as he walks. "For talking to me about all of this. I feel a lot better now."
"Of course," Kiyoshi replies. "And if anything ever bothers you in the future you can come to me again. This doesn't have to be a one time thing."
"Mmm," Makoto says. "I'll keep you updated."
"And… uh… thank you. For hearing me out."
"Any day, dude."
As they walk off towards the future, Kiyoshi can't help but note just how lucky he feels to be by this person's side.