Chapter 30

"Uh..."

It wasn't the most eloquent thing he'd ever said before, but this was not something he had ever even considered being brought up...and he wasn't sure he wanted it to. This would not be a simple conversation, he was sure, and he really wanted something simple.

Then, he could see Tim realizing it.

"I'm sorry," he said. "You really don't have to. I know it's not really any of my business... and you were starting to relax. I'm sorry."

He stood up and started to walk over to the window.

"Tim... it's okay. It really is, but why do you want to know?"

"I'm... curious."

"Nope. That doesn't cut it. You barely want to talk about Gibbs at all. Even now, you barely ever mention him. Why do you want to know?"

Tim didn't turn around.

"Could you not ask me that?"

Tony felt his brow furrowing.

"Why not?"

Tim turned around, looking earnest.

"I have my reasons...and I don't want to tell you. Part of it really is curiosity, but that's not all of it, you're right. If you don't want to tell me, I'll drop it."

Tony wanted to push to know what Tim was thinking, where this sudden interest had come from, but he could see that Tim wouldn't say. It was either tell him without understanding or don't tell him at all. There would be no explanation at this point.

He didn't want to, really, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to relax now. Maybe he could still have some quiet time after this conversation.

"What do you want to know? I'm pretty sure I can't quote exactly what..."

"Did you talk about me?"

"Yeah, a little."

Tim walked back and sat down on his bed.

"What about me?" he asked.

"Tim... will you believe what I tell you?"

"What do you mean? I don't think you'd lie," Tim said, sounding surprised.

"No, I wouldn't, but I know how you feel about Gibbs, and what I tell you... I don't know if you'll want to believe it's true. So if I tell you, will you believe me?"

Tim was quiet for a few moments, and Tony was glad to see that he was thinking about it. Tim occasionally reacted without thinking when it came to Gibbs, and he didn't want that. If he was actually going to share some of this, Tim needed to be open to listening to it.

"Yes," Tim said, finally. "I will."

"Okay. I told Gibbs that we both knew he was intentionally isolating himself, and I said that I thought he was doing it to punish himself since he wasn't getting punished any other way."

Tim was quiet again. He looked down at the floor and then up again.

"And?"

"And he basically admitted it. I told him that I didn't think you would say he had to isolate himself."

Tim laughed a little bitterly. "No, I was very clear about what I thought of it."

Tony wanted to ask what he meant, but he didn't.

"He said that you didn't, but that he still deserved it. He said that he was responsible for Allison Jenkins getting killed, that he was the one who put Admiral Jenkins into the position of feeling the same way he'd felt when his first wife was killed. Until he could let that go, he deserved to be alone."

Tim still didn't say much, but his expression was one that Tony couldn't really read. Actually, it was the same as he'd seen when he'd told Tim that he didn't have to worry about Gibbs popping up again while they were on Key West because he'd decided to stay away from where they were.

"Is that all?" Tim asked.

"He asked if he had ruined your day."

"What did you say?"

"That he had, but only temporarily."

Tim nodded.

"I asked him how he knew about your case, and he wouldn't tell me who told him. He said he hadn't told you, either."

"He didn't...but there aren't too many choices since very few people knew about it."

"Well, very few officially. I'll bet more knew than you realized."

"Probably. Is that it? Nothing else?"

"Not about you. When he left the beach, he told me to take it easy on you, give you a chance to explain about the case and he told me not to hope for something that shouldn't happen."

"Meaning what?" Tim asked.

"That you'd forgive him. He doesn't think you should."

"Is that something you hope for?" Tim asked, a slight edge in his voice.

"Yeah, it is," Tony said, figuring he should be honest about it. "But I'd never push you to it. Tim, I've told you before that I'll support you in what you decide about Gibbs. What he did was far beyond just being wrong, and you're the one who suffered the most for it. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that I hope you can forgive him some day."

Tim just nodded without responding to Tony's declaration. It might have been the first time Tony had ever said it. He wasn't sure.

There was a long silence and Tim didn't say anything. He seemed to be thinking hard, and Tony wasn't sure what else to say...but he felt like there was something hanging in the air that he needed to address. At first, he wasn't sure what it was, but he still felt like there was something... so he just spoke again.

"Tim, you asked and I answered, but I mean it. What Gibbs did was too far, and there is no reason for you to forgive him if you don't feel you can, and there's no reason to feel guilty if you can't. I'm serious."

"I know you are," Tim said, almost absently. He took a deep breath. "Tony, I'm going to go out and sit on the beach for a little while. You can relax and then we'll get something for dinner in a little while."

"Tim..."

Tim just shook his head. "No, I'm fine, Tony. I just need to think for a little while. If you want to go out to the beach, I'll stay in here. Just for a little while."

Tony didn't like it when Tim started repeating phrases. That usually meant he was really bothered by something or preoccupied and was barely listening to anything.

"Tim," he said, trying again.

Tim shook his head again. "I'm not mad at you, Tony. Thanks for telling me. I just want to be by myself for a little while."

Another repetition.

"Half an hour," Tony said. "Then, you need to come back in so we can decide where to go for dinner, okay?"

"Okay."

"If you don't come in, I'm going out there after you," Tony said.

"Okay," Tim said again.

He grabbed his keys and left the room.

Tony sighed. He still had no idea why Tim had pushed to know what they'd talked about, especially when it seemed to have rattled him like that. He didn't know if it had been a good idea for him to answer. He didn't know if it was a good idea to let Tim go off by himself, even just for a little while.

Deep breaths.

He lay down on the bed again and tried to just relax. Tim hadn't seemed angry at all, and Tony had tried to make it clear that he wasn't going to push Tim to do anything.

Deep breaths.

Relax.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim walked out of the hotel and to the beach. It was crowded. No big surprise there. He paused to take off his shoes and socks and then walked down to the water, weaving in and out of the crowds. He walked slowly, not in a rush, not wanting to get anywhere in particular. He just wanted to walk for a bit.

And try to reason it out in his head.

The thought that had come into his mind was starting to become more and more prominent. He still was resistant, though. He didn't want to do it. He wasn't sure he could do it even if he did want to. But he didn't want it at all.

But if he did...

Tim sighed.

He couldn't tell Tony about this because Tony would take it wrong, and if he failed as spectacularly as he thought he likely would, Tony would only be disappointed.

After a little while of walking in the water, Tim turned around and walked back toward the hotel. He found an empty patch of sand and sat down to stare out at the ocean. He gone for years thinking that there was no way he'd ever forgive Gibbs, that he couldn't even if he wanted to, that it was impossible to change the situation because of how bad it had been. Almost seven years after, and Tim could still put himself back into the house, back into that room...

...back in the echo chamber that had taken over his life.

Nothing Gibbs could do could fix it, and since he hadn't even tried, Tim had never felt any interest in entertaining the thought of forgiveness. Nothing could make him forgive Gibbs. Nothing.

...until the thought had come to him that forgiving Gibbs would help Tony.

He had pushed it away initially. He hadn't ever said a word to anyone about it. Delilah hated Gibbs more than Tim did and she was vehemently against any measure of forgiveness because of what Tim had gone through and what the rest of the family had gone through by extension. Tony wouldn't like the way Tim's thoughts were trending. He'd deny it was necessary. Dr. Bourning... well, Tim didn't even want to know what Dr. Bourning would make of his thought. He'd always said that forgiveness was something that was individual. Some could do it. Some couldn't and there was no definite right or wrong in this situation. And everyone else left Tim feeling at different levels of awkward about even bringing it up.

So he had said nothing to anyone and tried to ignore it, but especially on this trip, when he'd seen how stressed out Tony was by far too many things, he knew that forgiving Gibbs would make Tony's life a little less stressful. Maybe not much, but a little bit.

And Tim still felt incapable of being of any help to Tony in anything at all.

But maybe he could do this.

Maybe.

I don't want to.

That's what it always came back to. Tim really didn't want to forgive Gibbs. Nothing, up to now, had ever made him consider changing his mind. And even this hadn't changed his mind really. It was just that niggling thought that wouldn't go away.

Tony's life would be easier if Tim could forgive Gibbs.

He didn't want it to be true, but it was. He knew it, and he knew Tony would deny it if he said it. He'd say that it didn't matter because Tim had never demanded anything from him about Gibbs. It was true, but Tim knew that Tony restricted his contact with Gibbs because he knew that Tim hadn't forgiven him...and Tim knew that Tony worried about Gibbs.

Can I do this?

Tim really wasn't sure he could. When the mere sight of Gibbs still had the ability to catapult him back into the worst experience of his life, how could he genuinely forgive him?

And yet...

Gibbs has changed.

He had shown the concern Tim had wished to have seven years ago. He still carried around the photo Tim had sent him. Gibbs was different than he had been.

But...

It always came back to the fact that Tim didn't want to do it. He didn't even want to try. He didn't want it for himself. He didn't want it for Gibbs.

...but he did want it for Tony.

He sat there, staring out at the ocean, wondering if he could overcome his own reluctance to do this, not for himself but for his friend. He knew it wasn't for himself because he spent as much of his life as he could not even thinking about Gibbs.

And it wasn't like he could actually lie about it, pretend that he had when he hadn't. Well, probably, he could, but he didn't want to lie about it. Either yes or no, none of this halfway, vacillating stuff. Either he did or he didn't.

Tim sighed and looked at his watch.

He needed to start back to the room so that he didn't make Tony worry more and come out looking for him.

So I need to be over it by the time I get back.

He got up and started walking across the sand, still in his bare feet. When he got to the boardwalk leading over the dunes back to the hotel, he paused to put his shoes on. Then, he kept walking slowly.

Tony doesn't think I'll do it. It will never even cross his mind. Even if it did, he wouldn't ask because he doesn't think it's possible. He has other things to make him happy right now, and I can still look forward to seeing Daniel call him Dad tomorrow.

That thought did make Tim smile. He knew Tony wasn't going to quite believe it until it happened, but just the idea of it made him happy.

I can do this. I can ignore the Gibbs stuff and focus on what I know is going right.

Nodding to himself, Tim forced himself to increase his pace and he walked back to the room, pulled out his key and let himself in.

Tony was lying on the bed, but he wasn't asleep.

"Hey, Tony. I'm feeling hungry. You ready to find someplace for dinner?" Tim asked.

Tony sat up and looked him.

"Are you sure about that, Probie?"

"Yes. Aren't you hungry, too?" Tim asked, trying to sound completely normal.

The eyebrow went up in a silent (and slightly skeptical) question.

"I'm fine, Tony. I told you I was before...but now, I'm hungry," Tim said. "Any ideas?"

Tony still looked skeptical, but Tim could see that he was choosing to accept it.

"Let's see what there is, then," Tony said, pulling out his phone.

Tim nodded, feeling more relieved than anything.

Dinner was always a good way to feel better. He could hope it helped this time.