Chapter 46
Amin was surprised get an email from an unknown address. Not many people had his email address, and he never got spam. So, he was instantly feeling cautious. He didn't want to delete it, but he checked the email every possible way he could before opening it. And even at that, he moved to a computer that wasn't connected to their server to open it so that, if he had missed something, a hacker couldn't get into their server through his mistake.
Then, he opened it and realized who it was from.
This is going to seem like a strange request, but it shouldn't be too hard to do. I just hope you're willing. I need something to help me be safer. I need to put out the message that I can't and won't tolerate people trying to take control of me. I've written out a warning. I didn't really want to do it, but I did it. But I don't have the connections to that world that I used to have, so I'm hoping you'll be willing to spread it as far and wide as possible. If people are talking about me, then, they need to know what I think of it.
If you could please help,
Tim McGee
Reading between the lines, Amin could tell that this had been bad. No one had heard anything since finding out that Tim was safe, that the domestic terrorist group had been broken up (although they didn't kid themselves that they'd got everyone). That Tim was shaky seemed logical, but Amin was sorry to see it.
He was pretty sure it would be fine, but Lawrence should at least have a chance to say yes or no to it.
"Hey, Lawrence, come over here and look at this."
"What is it, Amin?"
"A message. From Tim."
Lawrence was over quickly. ...and so were the Sams. They silently read the request.
"What's the message?" Sam asked.
"I haven't opened it yet."
"Well, open it and let's see what he wants the world to know."
Amin nodded and clicked on the attachment.
They all started reading.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"Tim, come in," Dr. Hicks said. "Have a seat."
Tim sat down without speaking.
"Now, how are things going?"
"I went out to dinner last night," Tim said.
"That's great."
"Not alone."
"Doesn't matter. Did you have a good time?"
Tim shrugged. "Kind of. I was still worried." He sighed. "It's still too hard for Zahara."
"It's getting easier."
"But she's due so soon and..."
"Tim, remember. You have to take time to recover and it's okay that you do. Now, I want to push you a little today. Are you ready for that?"
Tim looked up. When Dr. Hicks said he was going to push, he meant it, and there was a definite part of all this that Tim had been allowed to avoid so far.
"I don't know."
Dr. Hicks smiled. "Will you trust me?"
"Yes."
"Good."
To Tim's surprise, Dr. Hicks got up and walked to the door and opened it.
"You can come in now."
Now, Tim was extremely surprised. He'd never had anyone in the sessions with him before.
Dr. Hicks stood back as a woman came into the room.
"Tim, this is Lucia Sanchez Ocampos. Ms. Sanchez, this is Agent Tim McGee."
"Hello, Agent McGee," she said.
Something about the way she spoke made Tim feel like this was something official. It was formal but formal in a work kind of way, not in a "I'm meeting a stranger" way. If asked to explain his feeling, he couldn't have, but it was there and he felt nervous.
"What's going on, Dr. Hicks?" Tim asked.
Dr. Hicks smiled.
"Ms. Sanchez, please sit down."
Lucia sat and Tim could see she wasn't entirely comfortable, either.
"Tim, Ms. Sanchez was a very close friend to Ray."
Tim felt a lead weight in his stomach and he couldn't look at her any longer. He looked down and then to the side.
"Ms. Sanchez grew up with Ray and is close to his family. I asked her to come here to talk to you about what happened."
There was a long awkward silence and Tim knew that he would have to look at Lucia before the conversation would start. He was sure that, while he was looking away, Dr. Hicks was silently telling Lucia not to speak. Finally, he steeled himself and looked back at her. He could see her grief and it hurt to know that he had contributed to it, however indirectly.
"Agent McGee, I thought Ray was dead already. We were all told the same story by the CIA, that he committed suicide...but it never seemed right. Not to any of us. But we accepted it because there was nothing else we could do. When I saw him... alive... it was a shock. But I could see how hard life was for him. I don't know the whole story, but I know that he said he killed an innocent woman."
Tim nodded.
"Agent McGee, I've known Ray for almost my whole life. We grew up together. He had a huge family and my family was broken. So I was always with them, as much as I could be." She smiled and even laughed a little. "I've known Ray since he started refusing to be called Ramón, saying it didn't fit with his friends at school. He insisted on being called Ray. When he got older, he didn't protest that his family all called him Ramón, but when he was young, he was Ray... and he'd fight about it."
Tim smiled a little, but it was a painful smile. Suddenly, Lucia leaned forward and grabbed his hands.
"They told me that he died saving you."
"I'm sorry," Tim whispered.
"No, Agent McGee. Oh, please, don't be sorry. Ray was raised by devout Catholics. He didn't go to Mass as much when he was older, but he always believed. When I saw him... when he looking for you, he was... tormented. He was filled with guilt. If he died to save you, then, he would have been... happy, even at that moment, because he was, in a way, atoning for the life he took. I don't think that would have been necessary, but Ray did. There were times when killing was part of his work, but he was killing people who were wicked, who had sinned and broken the laws of the land in addition to the laws of God." She sighed and shook her head. "I guess all that doesn't really matter, but... but Dr. Hicks told me about what you did for Ray before, that you saved him when he was almost killed, that you tried to get him help to work through what he'd done. Agent McGee, you did more to save Ray than... than anyone could have. And I'm so grateful that you were able to do something for him."
Tim dropped his head again. He saw Lucia's hands holding his. He didn't feel like he could pull away.
"He asked if he was forgiven...after they shot him. I said he was," Tim whispered. "I don't know if I'm right. I didn't care. I didn't want him to die."
"No, I understand. I didn't either, but I think Ray did. I think that the only thing that could have made him feel something other than guilt would be if he could give his own life. He couldn't commit suicide. That's a mortal sin, but he could die to save someone and that would be different. And his parents... it was some comfort for them when they found out that their son had been alive and had been killed in the line of duty. They've accepted it, and this time... this time, we were able to bury him, to give him a proper funeral."
"I'm sorry."
"Agent McGee, the reason I'm here, the reason that Dr. Hicks asked me to come was because I could tell you something that is really important."
Tim reluctantly looked up again. He saw tears in Lucia's eyes.
"It is not your fault that Ray died. You didn't kill Ray. You saved him. You gave him something to work for, instead of something to regret. It's not your fault. I don't blame you. His family doesn't blame you. Ramón was like my brother. I loved him like he was my own family. ...and I don't blame you. Please, don't blame yourself. I don't want you to suffer like Ray did. I know he wouldn't blame you, either."
"No, he wouldn't," Tim said in a whisper. Even though he didn't know Ray as well as Lucia did, Tim was sure of that. He and Ray had suffered in similar ways. He knew that Ray wouldn't blame him for his death.
"I'm glad you got free. I work at the NRO and I was there when you were sending your message. We all could tell how bad it was. I'm glad that you're free of that. ...and I'm glad that Ray is free, too. I know I can't do anything to change the way things are, but I'll light a candle for you, Agent McGee."
"Thank you," Tim said, unable to say more.
Lucia squeezed his hands one more time and then let him go. She stood up and there was some kind of silent conversation between her and Dr. Hicks. Tim didn't watch her leave, but he heard the door open and close. Then, Dr. Hicks was sitting down beside him.
"I told you I was going to push."
"You did," Tim agreed.
"How are you feeling?"
Tim shrugged.
"No, Tim. Verbalize it. Say it out loud. How do you feel now that you've spoken to someone who was close to Ray?"
"He shouldn't have died," Tim said, feeling his throat tighten.
"How do you feel?"
Tim couldn't find a word to adequately describe his current feelings. He laughed a little and fell back on the simplest word he could use.
"I feel sad."
Then, he started to cry. It wasn't the uncontrolled sobs of before. It was grief-stricken tears because of the loss of someone Tim didn't think should have been lost. Dr. Hicks put an arm around his shoulders and let him express his grief.
For a while, there were no words.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"And he is doing so much better, but at the same time..." Zahara sighed and looked down at her belly. "...I worry what will happen when our son is born."
Dr. Clarence smiled sympathetically. "What happened with your first child?"
Zahara found that she could laugh a little, even in the midst of her worry.
"Oh, Tim was so afraid that he'd do something wrong. He almost said that I should drive to the hospital because he was too nervous. I convinced him that would not be a good idea."
Dr. Clarence laughed as well.
"But when we got to the hospital and we were in the delivery room, he was right there with me. He never left my side until he absolutely had to. He was there. Always."
"Sounds like he loves you."
"Yes, he does. He tells me that now, but... I know he means it, but there is... I don't know the word for it. It is more than love. It's... need. Yes, he needs me as much as he loves me."
"It's hard to be needed sometimes, isn't it," Dr. Clarence said.
"Yes. But it is better. I just don't know if it is better enough. I want our son to be a source of joy... not of fear."
"I don't blame you for worrying."
"The worst is that Tim knows it is hard for me, too. He's trying so hard to be better, but he can't make it happen that way. If he could... I know he would do whatever it required to fix himself in a moment."
"Psychological trauma doesn't work that way, I'm afraid," Dr. Clarence said, kindly.
"I know. So does he. I am so glad that Levi was there to help."
"Levi?"
"Levi Carew. He has become..." Zahara smiled. "Well, Tim never describes him this way, but I cannot think of a better word for it. He has become a friend to us. He has done a lot to help us, and he was able to keep Tim from running away. He was trying to keep his pain away from me. He didn't want to hurt me and he knew he would. Levi stopped him. I don't know what he said to stop it, but he knew how to help."
"Not many people can describe Levi Carew as a friend."
Zahara looked up.
"You know him?"
"Oh, yes. Everyone in this place has been vetted and approved by the CIA. We had to be. More than half of our clientele comes from the CIA."
"Oh. I know that it should mean a lot to me, but I'm afraid that I know very little about the CIA."
"That just means you've avoided the preconceptions. Nothing wrong with that."
Dr. Clarence looked at her watch.
"Oh, if you're going to be back in Dr. Hicks' office before your husband is finished, you'd better get on your way now."
"Yes. Tim doesn't know I am doing this. It would be harder for him to know that I need help, too."
Zahara got carefully to her feet. She would be glad when this pregnancy was over, but at the same time, she wasn't ready for it to be over.
"Zahara, if you don't mind a suggestion?"
"No, I don't."
"This is not a requirement by any means, just something to think about."
"Yes?"
"Everything you've told me about your husband reveals someone who cares deeply for you and wants only the best for you."
"Yes."
"And right now, because he doesn't feel he can give that to you, he's worried about causing you stress and making your life hard when he thinks he should be making it easy. Would that be accurate?"
"Yes."
"Then, maybe knowing that you're getting the help he can't necessarily give you right now would actually help him feel better, not worse."
"I don't know," Zahara said. "I want to help him."
"I understand, and you don't have to feel obligated to do something just because I suggest it. I'd like you to think about it, nothing more. All right?"
"Yes."
Dr. Clarence smiled and patted her on the arm. "And try to relax as much as you can. If you want to put off giving birth, you won't do that by being tense all the time."
Zahara smiled and rubbed her belly again.
"I know. Salma listened to me when I told her to wait until after Levi's wedding to be born. I hope that Jonathan will be as patient. He kicks me a lot more than Salma did."
"I can't help you there, I'm afraid."
Zahara laughed. "I know. I had better get back to Dr. Hicks' office."
She said good-bye to Dr. Clarence and walked back to reclaim her seat.
"How are you feeling?" Sherry asked.
"All right."
There was no time for anything more. The door opened and Tim came out. His eyes were a little red, as if he'd been crying, but he mustered up a smile when he saw her.
"Are you all right?" Zahara asked.
Tim nodded. "Yeah. ...Dr. Hicks pushed today," he said and took a deep breath.
Zahara looked at Dr. Hicks who just smiled and nodded.
"Remember that you still need to get outside today, Tim," he said.
"I remember."
"Good. See you tomorrow."
"Right."
Then, Tim put an arm around Zahara's waist and they walked out of the office.
"Are you sure you're all right?" Zahara asked.
"Yeah."
"What did you talk about?"
"Ray."
"Oh, I see."
Zahara leaned on Tim.
"I am glad you are talking about that part of it. I know how you feel about what happened to Ray. Although I didn't know him, I know that you wanted to help him."
Tim's arm around her tightened slightly.
"Yeah."
"Tim?"
"Yeah?"
She stopped their walk and made Tim look at her.
"I love you," she said.
Tim managed to smile again. He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead as he had on their wedding day.
"I love you, too."
It was the first time he'd said that to her where it didn't feel laced with desperation and Zahara was glad to see Tim getting to a point where he could just love her.
"Are you ready for your son to be born?"
"Right now?" Tim asked, with just a hint of a twinkle in his eye.
"Not at this moment, but it will be soon, you know."
"I know. I hope I am... for your sake."
"And for yours," Zahara said. "Your sake matters, too."
Tim leaned forward and touched her forehead with his own.
"I can almost believe that."
"I will keep reminding you."
"Good."
"Now, we should go home so that your parents can have a break if they want it...and you can decide how you will go outside."
"Okay."
They went home together, and Zahara was glad that she could see improvement as Tim continued to deal with his personal demons.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Lawrence leaned back and stared at the screen for a long moment.
"Send it. Everywhere. Anyone you can think of where Tim's been discussed before. If he's desperate enough to do this, then, we'll make sure he doesn't feel that way again."
Amin nodded. They were all more than a little shocked, not because it was particularly violent but because of the restrained extreme emotion they could tell was behind Tim's words. They'd seen Tim at about his worst, and to know that he was almost back to that was something they couldn't accept with any degree of equanimity. The only way it could be more dramatic would be if he recorded himself saying the words. Even without that, this would be a powerful message.
He started the process of getting into the dark parts of the internet and began to share it, noting that others were already starting to share this unprecedented message from the mysterious Tim McGee.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
To whom it may concern:
My name is Tim McGee. I recently escaped from people who had abducted me with the intention of forcing me to do the one thing I had vowed never to do again. If you know what that is, then, I don't need to mention it. If you don't know, then, I'm not telling you. I am in the unenviable situation of being considered a valuable commodity. People have vied for control of me for more than a decade. I have been considered an asset, not a person.
That stops now.
This message is a warning, and it's the only one I'll give. If you choose to ignore it, all bets are off.
I have been told that I will be in this situation until I'm obsolete or dead.
For the sake of your own life, if you have been considering attempting to take control of me, you had better think of me as obsolete. As far as anyone in the world is concerned, I am obsolete.
If you choose to ignore that warning, you will be dead. Everyone who has tried to control me is either dead or in prison. That includes Claude Jorgenson, former director of the FBI. He tried to take over my life through an accusation of treason. A false accusation. He died with a bullet in his skull. Terrorists abducted me and took me to the Arabian Peninsula. They tortured me, almost to death. They are now all dead. I'm alive. The people who started this, a clandestine group within the CIA, they tried to kill me. They are all dead.
Consider me obsolete or you will be dead.
I will not accept being forced to act against my will. I will not accept being treated as a thing to be controlled. I have been pushed beyond my limits, and I am ready to push back. Violently.
Do not test me. Do not think that you can be an exception. I have people who watch out for me, people who will stop at nothing to save me if I am taken. I have protected my secret for years and I do not intend to have that change. Even this most recent attempt ended in complete failure as far as getting me to reveal my secret.
Up to now, I have stayed away from the dark parts of the computer world, thinking that by staying away, I would fade from people's minds. That attempt has failed. I will now be actively monitoring these areas. Talk about me if you wish, perhaps I'll even be there on occasion, but I will not tolerate any suggestion that I can be used again.
I will reiterate one last time.
I am now obsolete. From this moment on, I am obsolete.
Do not test my limits. I now consider that unacceptable. I have no limits when it comes to protecting myself and my freedom.
Sincerely,
Tim McGee
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
It took less than a day for the message go secretly viral. It was being shared in listservs. It was being posted in anonymous discussion forums. Tim wasn't the most important hacker in the world. He wasn't the most famous. However, this kind of a warning got people's attention. It did lead to more discussion of what he could do, but it was clear to everyone that trying to get access to whatever it was he could would likely be fatal.
Tim had wanted to be taken seriously.
He succeeded.