Chapter 27.
As they approached the door of the first storeroom in the main archives, Sam heard Jack say, "Your Bobby was awesome."
"Yes, he was." said Cas in reply.
Sam opened the door.
Cas turned to glare at him. "As I told you once before, you need to knock."
"When it's just you and Jack?" said Sam.
"Of course." said Sarah, going into the room and standing in front of Cas. "I've missed you, Castiel. Is a hug available, or is the silent treatment going to continue when I'm right in front of you?"
Cas took a step back.
Sam saw the flash of hurt in Sarah's eyes, before she hid it and said, "I understand."
Some internal battle went on and suddenly Cas stepped forward and hugged her, at first diffidently and then something changed and he was clinging to her.
She stroked his back and said quietly, "I know, my dear, I know."
"Cas, we need a good, long, uninterrupted talk." said Sam, "So you, me and Sarah are going for a drive in the Impala."
"No." said Cas, releasing Sarah from the embrace.
"I know this isn't something you want to do. It's not something I want to do ... "
"Good, then let's not do it." said Cas.
"I don't care whether you consider the Pact invalidated or not, you know we need to be honest with each other." said Sam.
"We need to tolerate each other until Dean is found and saved. Then, I promise, I will go away and you will never have to see or hear of me again."
"You think that's what I want?" said Sam.
"It's what I want." said Cas.
"Oh, Castiel, you will never make a good liar." said Sarah.
"It's true. What have I ever brought the Winchesters but misery and pain?"
"Two rescues from Hell, countless self-sacrifices for our survival and Jack and that's just off the top of my head." said Sam.
"If you have something to say, say it here. I'm not getting into that car." said Cas.
"Because the car is Dean's and you can't bear to be near it or because in the car, you won't be able to escape?" said Sam.
Cas headed for the door. Jack stood in front of it. "Castiel, please." he said.
"You're a good boy." Sarah said to Jack and the smile they shared showed how hard this was for both.
Sam closed his eyes, aware that everything he said sounded like an attack and eager not to make things any worse. He tried to imagine what Dean would say, but calling Cas a dumbass was unlikely to help.
He opened his eyes and said, "If I don't seem to look at you, it's because the guilt is killing me. I took more from you than from Dean when I let him sacrifice himself for me."
Cas looked at him in horror. "Sam, you weren't even there."
Sarah decided to interpret. "He blames himself because Lucifer gave them a choice. If one killed the other, he would let that one go. Sam thinks if he had immediately killed himself, things might have ended differently. So, boys, do we feel there might be some benefit to an honest talk?"
"Everything that happened was my fault and mine alone." said Cas.
"No. It wasn't." said Sam.
"If I'd killed myself immediately, instead of hesitating ... " Jack began.
"What?" said Cas.
"It was the only way out I could see." said Jack.
"Suicide?" said Cas.
"Self-sacrifice. It's what we do, isn't it?"
"No!" said Sam and Cas together.
"I think you boys have been a very bad influence on this child." said Sarah.
"I think I have been a bad influence on the whole of humanity." said Cas.
"Yes, but you think that because you're not thinking clearly." she said. She looked at Jack, "I think we need a good, long talk too."
"I'd like that." he said.
"I'll get Jules to pick you up tomorrow and bring you to the farm."
Jack nodded. "For now, best if I am out of the way."
"Look after Mary. This must all be so painful for her."
"I will." said Jack. He left.
"Cas, what will it take to get you into that car?" said Sam.
"Why do you want to talk?" said Cas.
"Because I've lost one brother and I don't wanna lose the other." said Sam.
"We should take my car."
"No. Your car isn't working." said Sam, a little embarrassed.
"You damaged my car?"
"Disabled. It can be fixed. And technically, Mom did it."
"Why?" said Cas, "Didn't you trust me?"
"Do you trust you?"
"I never have." said Cas.
"I know this isn't easy," said Sarah, "But you two are on the same side and you need to stop trying to protect yourselves and each other and just open up about everything. Castiel, Sam doesn't blame you for anything. Sam, Castiel can't be in the same room as you because he feels he killed your brother. I'm no psychic, but I can feel the pain buzzing around both of you and it's time to acknowledge it, share it and find a way through."
"And we think we may have found a way." said Sam.
"A way that brings Dean back?" said Cas.
"A way that makes it easier for both of you to survive to save Dean." said Sarah.
"Then tell me here."
"In the car." said Sam.
"Why?"
"Because you're doing a lot of walking away." said Sam.
"I could jump out of a moving car with little harm." said Cas.
"Are you going to?" said Sam.
Cas looked from him to Sarah. After a long silence, he said, "No."
Sarah smiled at him. "No, he's strong, my angel." she said proudly. She adjusted his coat collar. "Jules is missing you terribly."
"I would give anything to undo the harm I have done and will do." he said.
"When you leave her?" said Sarah.
"Whatever I do. I never should have ... "
She covered his mouth with her hand. "Castiel, with all that I have lost and still stand to lose, don't you dare say that love is a mistake."
He gently moved her hand away from his mouth. "For humans, I don't think it ever is. But I am not human and should not pretend to be."
"My dear friend, I know you know me too well to hear it as an insult when I say you are the most human person I have ever known."
"That could never be an insult, just hopelessly inaccurate." he said.
"We need to get into the car and onto the road." she said.
Cas looked at Sam. "You said you didn't want to do this."
"I don't." said Sam, "I know how broken you are. I know I could make it worse."
"That's your reason?"
"One of fifteen thousand." said Sam, "But it's top of the list."
"Then why are we doing this?" said Cas.
"Is handling it all alone going swimmingly?" said Sarah.
"I can't say that it is." said Cas.