The more Goku uncovered, the more his heart ached. He'd known that his son had endured a lot but seeing it play out before him, in no particular order, just made it worse. Just when he thought he'd seen it all, something else would pop up.
That looks like it hurts.
The world around Goku shifted and spun as it had become want to do in their realm. He saw his son, it must have been after Piccolo left him to fend for himself—clothed in a gi similar to his with a sword nearly as big as he was (really, Piccolo? He's four...) trying to figure out food and water and shelter.
And he came upon an injured long necked dinosaur. Goku had to admit, he found himself smiling with pride when his son's first inclination was to help the creature with a trick HE'D taught him.
That pride turned to horror when his son tried to take on carnivorous dinosaur with only a cursory notion of how to use that sword. All Gohan knew of swords was what they'd read in books or seen in movies.
But the landscape turned dark and heavy when Gohan had awoken to find only the bones of the friend he'd tried to save.
Failure was hard. It was always hard. But to be suddenly thrust into it without warning and without any support. Goku could only imagine what...
Not good enough.
Not strong enough.
Not fast enough.
If you were better, he'd be alive.
Goku wanted to strangle that voice. He wanted to cast it down and scream that his son was always good because he was always Gohan. And that was enough!
But he didn't have that kind of power here.
The world shimmered, twisted and cut like glass. Goku was almost afraid that he would get sliced open by the way the atmosphere just seemed to fall away like snow. He was never quite sure what he would find the deeper he went. Some memories were surface, some deeper.
He spared your life, twice!
He shouldn't have been so soft, should he? Which leads to the question of what to do with his son.
Goku covered his eyes as the colors around him became subtle shapes. Never quite solid and definitely more solidified than before. But they were jagged, like the edges were razors. The overall feeling he got from this was pain. Unimaginable pain.
Destroy him now so he doesn't destroy me one day?
Goku could faintly see Piccolo, Bulma, Namekians. But his son and Vegeta were the center focus of this memory. Gohan—with that odd silly bowl haircut that ChiChi insisted made him look dignified—and Vegeta when he was nothing but piss and vinegar.
And his son...so young. So much had happened since then but seeing him now, all Goku wanted to do was put himself better Vegeta and his son. There was so much anger in Gohan's face, so much frustration. The entire area seemed to scream of his intolerance of whatever Vegeta was talking about...
My dad'll be back, you watch!
Your dad is history, Kid!
Wait...was this what happened after he stayed to destroy Freeza on Namek? THIS is what happened? Bulma and Piccolo had neglected to ever tell him about this..
Then...as if spurred by a fire, Gohan sprung at Vegeta. He got a knee to the gut for his trouble but then he was right back up again.
Are you challenging me, Kid? I wouldn't recommend it. It's your call, go ahead.
Oh, Goku knew Vegeta was spiteful but that smirk he was carrying made the Saiyan sick to his stomach. But Gohan was all ChiChi's son right now: not backing down and full of of fire.
Made Goku swell with pride.
My dad'll take care of you. And he WILL be back!
Then, just like before, Gohan sprung forward. But this time, his reflexes were on point. Fists flying, ki up and no shortage of shouts. As expected though, Vegeta blocked every blow.
Until the one where he didn't and Gohan's lunch then kick sent the Saiyan Prince onto his back.
Maybe it was silly as these were memories—events that had already transpired—but Goku jumped up and down and squealed. "Woo hoo! Go, my Gohan!"
But things did not remain that way. Maybe Goku should have expected it but it still made him sick to see it. It was one thing in a battle but against a child. Goku could not imagine the callousness they took.
The relentless beating Vegeta laid on his son. First with the punches and kicks but then to grab the boy by the hair and just...
Punch after punch after punch.
And Gohan...his brave little Gohan just took it.
"Vegeta! Stop it! Stop it!" Goku shouted and screamed and even lunged at the younger visage of the Saiyan Prince, eyes green and hair gold and without any pity in his heart.
When Gohan wheezed and blood dripped from his face, Goku struck at Vegeta again. He passed through him again. Goku had been angry before.
Now, he was livid.
"Vegeta, stop it!" His voice was less verbiage and more growl. "I said stop it!"
Gohan hit the ground, nearly bounced from the impact. Goku dropped down beside him and cursed this place from preventing him from holding him. The bloody lips, the eyes that would turn black surely, the broken nose...Gohan was five!
Then, the entire landscape turned dark and heavy.
Pity. What a waste of talent.
"Waste of—Gohan stood up to you! Gohan made you bleed. You were right, you're afraid of what he might be. What he DID become! You have no room to talk, you arrogant bastard!"
Yelling was supposed to make him feel better but Goku felt nothing. All he felt was that all this happened while he was on Namek and he wasn't there. If he'd been there, Vegeta never would have laid a hand on his son.
Waste of talent. Waste of talent. Waste of talent.
It wasn't Vegeta's voice any longer. It was that loud, booming tone that permeated everything here. It didn't matter that Gohan had been five. It didn't matter that Vegeta had been fighting far longer than the boy had been alive.
Waste of talent. Faced with defending your father's honor. And you fail at that.
You always fail.
Goku screamed out to the void. "Gohan, you didn't fail at anything! You don't have to do something perfect for it to mean something. I'm not perfect, you're not perfect!"
The void seemed to swallow it.
I need you Dad.
Goku's heart ached. The desperation in that cry. It was full of pain, it was hurting and it was like fire to his spirit. How...how often had Gohan cried for him?
Daddy! Mommy!
Tempted to cover his ears, Goku made himself listen. He knew all too well that those shouts were of fear, pain, loss. How many times had Gohan called for him, called for ChiChi and they hadn't been able to answer?
The ground caved.
Goku blinked, looking around. This felt more...intimate. The more memories he went through, the more intense they got. He was sinking deeper into his son's psyche. Sinking deeper and deeper but he was starting to see the pattern.
Perfection. The need to do something perfectly or it was not worth anything. If Gohan failed at something, rather than take it as a lesson or a teaching moment, he processed it as utter defeat. As a reflection on himself. As if to do otherwise was unacceptable.
It made no logical sense to Goku at least at first but the more he thought about it—his son was faced with situations without support without help and told in no uncertain terms that to fail could mean death. He'd already been told that his best was not good enough even if it was "good." He'd already been told to always strive for better.
And then he saw death. In so many ways.
Could his brain interpret it any other way? Be perfect or die.
Survivalist at its finest. The brain once it was out of survival didn't just abandon what had kept it alive.
He—him, Gohan and ChiChi—they had to reorient it.
"Gohan!" He called again. "Can you hear me? I think I understand..."
The world shifted, twisted.
Goku hit his knees when the entire room suddenly felt like it was filled with lead. It was hard to breathe and every single one of his muscles burned. It was like...like...
Betrayal.
That was the only word he could think of. The only thing that described everything suddenly being against you and the deep, throbbing pain that he was certain was going to make his heart start bleeding.
I can't do it, Daddy...
What are you? A coward?!
It rained. Each drop burned like acid.
Goku grabbed at his chest. He'd...he'd said that. He'd said that to his scared five year old. To his barely more than a baby that had just seen so many people die.
He'd...said that.
He hadn't meant it. He'd never meant it. He wanted Gohan to get up because if he didn't, he was going to die. He'd said it to get Gohan to move. That was all he wanted. Gohan to move. Gohan to live.
But it had cut him this deep...
"I don't think you're a coward, Son. I never thought that. I..."
Goku crouched low. How did he fix this? He hadn't been able to interact with other memories. He hadn't...
How did he fix this? Start with the most basic thing he could do, he supposed.
Looking up, Goku declared, voice so loud it made his throat ache. "Gohan! I was wrong! And I'm sorry."
It felt like the rain became a wave, a smothering wave but then it broke, rising up into cliffs of roaring water on each side. It left a pathway of dark mud, spines and tendrils. Each one, Goku could hear or see those old memories. The ones that haunted and kept his son locked in this state of mind.
But just out of reach, at the other end of the path, he saw his son.
Gohan was retching, coughing up water that wasn't water. Shaking, trembling. What had he seen since they'd been separated? What had he faced?
"Gohan!"
Taking a running step forward, Goku yelped when he hit liquid hot barriers. Invisible. Solid. And when he hit it and fell back, his consciousness was flooded with so many emotions. Pain, fear, anger, loss, loneliness, doubt.
Sitting back up, with a solid shake of his head, Goku reached out again.
The same thing and the barrier did not budge. It did not even acknowledge his presence. This was not like the outside world. His physical strength carried no weight here.
He could still see his son, staring right at him. The small pathway had shrunk, the ever tossing waves forming a small tunnel of pouring rain through which one would have to crawl.
It hit Goku like a ton of bricks.
These were Gohan's perceived faults, his doubts, anger, sadness at himself over things he thought he had failed had. Things he thought was wrong with him.
He was going to have to face them and call them out for what they were. Lies. Distortions. Misinterpretations. Fight the false images his heart and brain had been feeding him.
But Goku couldn't get to Gohan to help him.
Gohan would have to come to him.