50 shades: Darkness to Light

by paleseptember10

AU / Christian Grey, 30, multi-billionaire struggling with the BDSM lifestyle. Anastasia Steele, 24, trying to create her own identity away from her complicated family after years of trauma. What these two don't know is that the universe has been working tirelessly to bring them together. Slowest burn ever. HEA. Covid-19 distraction. My first attempt at Fanfiction.

66. Chapter 66

Okay so, yesterday was 6-18-2020 which means it was CG's birthday. cut the chocolate cake!

This chapter is a bit long but there are some easter eggs sprinkled through out that will inform the story when we do a time jump in the next chapter. This chapter is also a little sad here and there but I really wanted to dedicate one to Ray and Nita so I hope you like it. Last chapter before we time jump 2.5 months ahead.

Vishaal is gonna get what's coming to him. I promise you and it will be his own stupidity that will be his downfall.

How is everyone doing these days?

---

Chapter 66 – The feeling goes on and on and on

Thursday, June 4th, 2020

CPOV

Barney meets me in my office and gives me a translation of the audio I sent him early this morning.

"Mr. G, most of it was inarticulate but I was able to translate some of the words that were clear and this is more of an educated guess as to what is actually being said."

He wants to hurt me.

He said this is my fault. This is all my fault.

I disappointed him.

I also gave Barney a screenshot of Ana's recent journal entry and asked him to translate. After she's fallen asleep, I got up and saw her journal on her side table and went through it. There were barely any words in English, everything was written in Urdu script. Yes, I'm invading her privacy but I need to figure out how to help her.

"The picture of the text you sent me according to the date it was written a week ago, again this translation is rough but it's describing a room with white walls and dark hardwood floors. The person remembers the smell of sandalwood and vanilla with a faint light of a lamp. The bedding was light blue and white and smelled of fresh linens. There's also mention of smoke and alcohol and a big dance floor with a blue light and the glimmer of red flashes. A painting with a woman falling. Looking up and seeing a starry night and colors in the abstract. They remember passing lights of the street as they looked up from the window. I've sent you a download link to the app I created for you to translate any more audio or text in this language should you need to from now on."

I nod and thank Barney.

Yesterday evening when I got back from work, Gail told me that Ana was in the gym for self defense training with Sawyer and Prescott. I went up and watch from the threshold of the door as Sawyer put her through her paces in the gym. She still looked hesitant when she tried to engage with Sawyer. It was a little comical given how big Sawyer is and how tiny Ana looked in front of him. Sawyer kept giving her pointers to improve her technique and words of affirmation to help her as they worked through the session.

She silently nodded at every directive and turned her back to Sawyer who then put his arm around her neck into a chokehold. Ana quickly twisted her body while still in his hold and turned her face into his chest and shoved him away.

They went for another scenario where Sawyer backed her into a wall and put his forearm across her throat by blocking her body and effectively immobilizing her. What happened next was not something I was expecting.

She lets out a blood-curdling scream and fell to the floor shivering with vacant eyes. I tried to help but Prescott asked me to stay back saying that a male touch may trigger her again. It broke my heart into a million pieces. Prescott proceeded to gently ask her questions but Ana would barely respond and when she did it wasn't in English. Prescott recorded the audio from her interaction and then emailed me the file after helping Ana up and tucking her into bed in her room. They told me that there were two instances where Ana had for a minute or two shutdown and kept saying No in Urdu before sapping out of it... but that this was the first time she reacted so badly during training. She'd been otherwise doing really well and progressing fairly quickly given her training with Ray while she was growing up. She insisted on going through some more aggressive scenarios today even though Prescott tried to talk her out of it since she noticed how tired Ana looked. Ana has been talking to them about trying to remember her assault and we now believe Sawyer's simulation definitely triggered something.

She kept stirring all night and I suggested that we remain in her room last night thinking it may help calm her. She clung to me, tighter than ever before as I rubbed her back but she was restless and whimpering. Ana didn't say anything about what happened. I asked her but she'd just shake her head and remain silent.

I kept replaying what I saw in the gym. The scream felt like it ripped me into a million pieces. I didn't have a nightmare but I saw something from and it reminded me of that night I went to check out the club with Elena and it was confusing.

I'm walking down a dimly lit corridor with recessed lighting and come across a rose on the floor. Before I pick it up I hear a loud blood curdling scream and see the rose turn to ash. I look to my right and I see that girl again. Her back is to me, her pin straight, long and dark hair going past her lower back, her body draped in silk as she looks through the floor to ceiling windows out at the view. I walk towards her but someone calls her name and she walks into the embrace of a man and disappears again.

After my meeting with Barney I call John for an emergency session and we talk about an hour at lunch.

"Christian, you were wrong to invade her privacy. Next time you feel the need to do something like this, please try and think how it would feel it someone did this to you. You cannot force this." He sighs in frustration. I know I am but I am desperate.

"John, I just want to help her. It rips my heart to see her like this. I know it's her father's birthday today as well and ever since we've come back she's been on edge, more than before. I asked her to stay home but she's do damn stubborn."

"Christian, she needs the normalcy of her routine as well. We're dealing with close to five years of suppressed trauma and emotions and you're saying that he's getting creative in his interactions with Ana?"

"Yes." I tell him about the car incident in addition to what happened last night. "I know she's coming to see you this afternoon. She won't really talk to me. It's like she's afraid to tell me anything ever since I tried to punch his lights out."

"I see. That could be the case... hopefully when she comes in today she can talk about everything she's been going through."

"I just want to her to get better John."

"I know you do and she does as well but this will not happen overnight. This will take time... again, just be there for her should she need you."

I agree with him and we talk about my dream.

"Are you equating what happened to Ana to what you heard that night?"

"I don't know. I guess I am. I know I was in a BDSM club and it's not uncommon to hear random shit happening but I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of that feeling."

"From what I remember, at the time you equated what you heard to the guilt of not being able to help your mother when you heard her scream as a child during her altercations with her pimp or visitors. Something you were not in control of and therefore you cannot hold yourself responsible for."

"I guess... and now, my desire to protect Ana... is manifesting in this way. I don't know. I haven't really thought about that night in a long while, the first time I even remotely thought about it in years was before we left for Miami but I didn't have time to dwell on it... and now... I just don't know, John. After we put that to bed in therapy, I just remember being filled with rage again, the anger about the crack whore not giving two shits about me, putting me in that position and I tried to take it out on my sub at the time but it would never be enough. She wanted harsher punishments, she relished them and then in the middle of a session I'd sometimes be reminded of those screams form that night and I couldn't go on administering the punishment or it would make me even angrier... I was so fucking confused.."

"I remember. That was the first sign of a crack in you but you refused to talk about it. I saw that crack in the façade again about two years ago. Your dissatisfaction with your subs grew exponentially with the exception of..."

'Leila."

"Well, now we know thanks to Ana's grandmother what was really happening under the guise of that arrangement."

"Don't remind me." Don't remind me how fucking stupid I was.

"Christian, you need to rid yourself of that guilt. It's a dangerous game of 'what if?' – you were in a club where people of age, consent to activities of all kinds."

"... but I can't shake the feeling... that sub tried to avoid talking to me and I saw the look in her Dom's eyes. He was not happy about me standing next to her. I knew she was with someone but still I pursued her knowing that I shouldn't have..." I take a deep breath. I don't now why I'm so affected right now.

"You were also unhappy with your current arrangement at the time."

"Yes, I was. I suppose I was just bored and horny and this sub caught my eye because she simply met the criteria. I don't know fucking know."

"You were also drawn to Ana."

"Not the same thing. Ana was a completely different and pure experience. It's not the same." It was her voice and her eyes that drew me in. I knew she'd be different, I just didn't know how.

"Hmm, I recall you wanted Ana as a sub initially."

"Because it was all I ever knew but again that feeling lasted maybe a day at the most..." she changed my world completely as soon as she walked into the room that afternoon.

"Fair enough."

APOV

"You're weird sometimes." I hear Sawyer mutter as he opens the door.

"You say weird, I say interesting... admit it. I keep you entertained." I sass.

"Whatever, Steele." He chuckles and plops himself on the chair he dragged up and starts to read his book. I told him I didn't need to be chaperoned but then again Christian signs his paycheck and if I'm under the open sky, Sawyer needs to have eyes on me. Still, that doesn't mean I can't make this entertaining. He once let it slip that I've been the easiest assignment he's ever had. I wear that as a badge of honor.

I walk to the middle and lay the sheet and lie down, resting my head on a cushion, smack in the middle of the platform and look up at the sky. I put my airpods and set my playlist to shuffle and watch the sky start to change color and make shapes out of the clouds above me. Olsen Olsen by Sigor Rus plays in my ears and I try calm myself and unwind from the emotions of the last few days.

I mentally go through my session with John from an hour ago. Days like this are hard when I have to really push through in therapy. It doesn't help that it's Dad's birthday either.

I usually take the day off on Dad's birthday and drive out to Montesano alone and spend a few hours there. I wasn't able to do that this year since... well, life has changed and the fact that the Lot 43 acquisition papers were being signed today. It's technically my week off before I start working on 20th next week but Mr. Travis asked me for one last favor to look over everything as my last official deal with him - plus, after months of dealing with the shit storm that was Lot 43, I wanted to see this baby put to bed officially and I figured it'd be good to keep myself busy instead of wallowing in my misery at home. Once everything was setup, I gave the second assistant, Georgia and new first assistant, Kendra the rundown and excused myself after giving Mr. Travis a hug, he wanted me to be present at the deal signing but I find that stuff boring.

I texted Gwen as soon as I got done and asked if I could come by to see Emilia and that I'd bring over pizza from her favorite place. It helped to spend time with Gwen and Ros while I cuddled a little with Emilia. She's growing up so fast. She smiles more and holds up her neck a little, she's so curious and it takes everything in me to not eat her up. Once I was done soaking up the cuteness, I headed over to John's office for a session, which didn't go as well as I would have hoped.

I tell him about what happened yesterday in the gym and about some new details that are coming to me. He encourages me to keep writing what I remember and read it out loud over and over again. We discuss my entry on the private chat board where I write out my feelings on a daily basis. Some days I write just a few lines and some days I write a whole novel.

"Did Nita see the car?"

"I didn't ask her and personally I don't think she did. She'd been in the house all day, cooking and playing hostess. She had no reason to go outside and Vishaal had only gotten there 15 minutes before we did so in that entire time she never left the house. Besides, it's not like I've never seen a green mustang since the accident. I've been about a dozen of them over the years... and when I usually see a mustang in general it doesn't trigger me, in fact there was a green mustang, slightly lighter in color around the neighborhood in SF and I always looked for it because it actually made me happy. I have fond memories of that car with my dad. So does Nita. That one event doesn't really negate all the good you know... the trigger was that HE had the exact replica of the car made to mess with me. I've never reacted badly to seeing similar car on the street while I'm going about my life.

"Do you think Nita would have reacted badly or told Vishaal it was in bad taste?"

"I'm not sure. Even since the accident, Nita walks around eggshells with me, I think we both do that with each other. This year is the most I've talked to her about my dad. I always try to appear happy and well settled and she does the same. She won't talk about Dad that much, not in depth that is... I suppose it's to not upset me. So even if she knew about the car, she would've kept it to herself." I take a few moments before I begin again. "As for bad taste, I'm sure Vishaal would've easily spun it in his favor. He's good at that, which is why no one ever suspects when he's trying to get a rise out of me. He comes off so nonchalant and normal, even genuinely concerned sometimes, like how we used to be before and I know that I've enabled him these past few years to avoid creating havoc in front of the family... but for the first time I am fighting back, little by little."

"Which fear is greater? The fear of breaking Nita's heart or abandonment?" John asks, point blank.

The fear of abandonment went down significantly after telling Nani. She believed me and it was a huge weight off of my shoulders but watching her heart break and having her ask me for forgiveness was almost too much to handle. As for Nita, the fear of breaking her heart is what keeps me from telling her everything. She's lost so much in life. She's still dealing with her Dad's loss. To possibly take away or fracture her relationship with her sister who she is so close to and... she's close to Vishaal too. He's the first official kid of the family... I don't know." I look away.

"Ana, we explored this once before when talking about telling your friends; the idea of you setting them for failure by not telling them. I understand the need to protect the ones you love but by not telling her, you're doing yourselves both a disservice. Every relationship has its place and significance. If she has accepted the position of being your mother, then let her be your mother."

"Look, I rationally understand what you are saying. I do and I know the right thing is to tell her... but... my fear is... it's so crippling. I don't want to be the source of chaos. Not more than I already have been."

"What you holding yourself responsible for... is something that happened by an unfortunate chance. You cannot hold on to that guilt. It honestly could have happened to anyone. You need to protect her is it out of compulsion or choice because there's a distinct different between the two that I think you're conflating to be the same thing."

I let out a shuddering breath and nod. He's right. I know it. I'm just...

"Tell me what happened when you got back home from the beach with Christian?"

"By the time I got back, Vishaal had left with the car. I went to Nani and asked to speak to her in private. I told her that I wouldn't be coming back to visit until my cousin's wedding in August and she understood. She was livid at what happened but also told me that I had tied her hands by making her promise not to do anything when I first told her about everything."

He asks me what I made her promise to not do anything and I replied that I didn't want there to be any friction or retaliation. I explained the business relationship between AHAK and KGI and that Nani's position in the company right now was an honorary one. She's only to sign off on the deals that were currently in play... and that I didn't want to cause any chaos for Karan and Aashu either, given that no matter what they get the shitty end of the deal. The potential defamation lawsuit when the investigation will show that I have no proof. I sound like a broken record at this point.

"Ana your fear of not wanting to be the cause of chaos in someone else's life is causing chaos in yours right now. You're unable to sleep, you're mentally exhausted and you've been having disturbing dreams... you've been dealing with this silently for almost five years now. How long do you think you can keep this up for? Maybe don't tell everyone but tell your mother."

"I know, John. But I am determined to put an end to all of this by the end of the 3rd quarter. As soon as the Will is read and I know for sure that everyone is taken care of, I'll tell Nita. I promised Christian I would and I'll swear her secrecy and I will move on. I know what I am doing is not healthy right now but... " I bury my face in my hands and break down. I am unable to continue after that and end my session early.

I rub my eyes and forehead and look at the stream of neon pink clouds stretched out over me as the sky becomes a darker shade of orange. I close my eyes for just a second and breathe.

"What's wrong Annie?"

I open my eyes and look up and then look to my right. I'm in the backyard in Montesano again. I'm look like my present self. I blink a few times trying to understand what's happening and realize that this is a dream.

I shrug my shoulders. "I'm messing up, Dad."

"Nonsense. You've never messed up in your life, Private." He laughs and takes a sip of his beer.

"Dad, I'm being serious. I fu... I mean... look, I'm just lost and I need help."

"Stop letting your fear guide you."

"Can you all just stop talking to me in riddles. Please just tell me what to do." I snap at him.

"You always did have a temper Annie. Has Christian suffered the Wrath of Steele."

I suddenly fall into a fit of giggles. "He's terrified of me."

"Good. Keep it that way." He winks at me. "We need to be kept in line."

I silently nod and look back up to the sky.

"How do I get through this? I'm..." I feel tears fall from my eyes.

"Luna, you need to be greater than the fear that's been instilled in you."

"I don't know how to be."

"You're learning. Every time you stand up for yourself, you're weakening that fear."

"I'm trying Dad, I just don't want to do right by everyone." I choke out.

"What about your happiness, Luna?"

"I can't... not at the expense of others."

"Telling the truth is about peace not hurting people. Anyone who really loves you will continue to love you and if they don't then that sadness will be short-lived because you'll be able to easily move on. You're so strong Annie, you have no idea. You've been always been a fighter."

"I'm not strong enough." I murmur.

"You're a Steele and I'm always with you."

"Happy Birthday, Sargent." I smile at him when all I really want to do is hug him tight.

He smirks. "Have some pancakes for me." I nod and he gets up and my eyes follow him as he goes back into the house.

I turn my head to look up at the sky again. I hear the faint sound of music as I close my eyes for a moment

Oh, out of sight out of mind
It doesn't mean you're not mine
The feeling goes on and on and on

I feel a light touch on my hand and I immediately open my eyes. I feel tears spilling out and I see Christian through misty eyes.

Where am I?

The sky is almost dark.

Did I fall asleep?

CPOV

She gets up and wipes her face and looks at me a little embarrassed. "Hey..." she says in a small voice, taking her airpods and putting them to the side.

"Hey baby, what are you doing up here?" I lean in and give her a small kiss.

"I needed to get away... I just wanted to lie under the open sky. Since I can't really go to the park, this was my next best option."

"That's quite resourceful Miss Steele."

She nods looking down at me holding her hand. She lightly brushes her thumb over the bruises. "I just felt suffocated. Being inside all the time... it gets to me sometimes."

"Did you have a bad dream?"

She shakes her head but doesn't elaborate further so I decide to change the subject.

"Why didn't you stay for the Lot 43 signing? I missed you."

She shrugs. "I didn't feel so great."

"What about now?"

"I'm okay, I guess."

"It's nice up here, sitting like this. I've never taken the time to notice it beyond anything related to Charlie tango or... well that night we came up here."

"Thank god you own this helipad, it would've been awkward waking up to being yelled at to vacate the premises due to a landing." She giggles.

I lean in and kiss her forehead and her eyes. Her face is ice-cold but she tells me she doesn't feel it at all.

After dinner we sit on the couch in the TV room and relax. We talk a little about how she usually spends Ray's birthday. I felt guilty that she couldn't go out to Montesano today but she assured me it was okay. I told her that we could go over the weekend but she said it wasn't necessary. Still, I insisted saying that I wanted to see where she grew up and she acquiesced with a sad smile.

"We were supposed to be Palermo on this day 6 years ago to celebrate his 45th birthday. He hated that we were making such a big deal about it. He didn't like being the center of attention. We had the holiday planned and the tickets booked but a year later I found myself in a hospital bed silently crying. Nita and Nani tried to cheer me up but I eventually just closed my eyes and blocked them out because I was so angry and lost."

I hold her a little tighter. "Did you talk to Nita today?"

"I did. We talked about Dad but I try to keep it light. I didn't want her to be sad."

We sit in silence just staring at the TV. There's a nature relaxation film playing on youtube that shows Norway. She stares at it intently but her mind is elsewhere.

"Welch was able to get Kiran's file." I start and watch her break eye contact with the TV. She is silent for a few moments before asking to see it. I go and get the file from my study and hand it to her. She goes through it and I see her try to stifle a sob.

"What's wrong, Ana?"

"I feel horrible..."

"Don't..." I hold her hand and bring it to my lips for a kiss.

"You don't understand." She completely breaks down at this point, pulling her knees and hands closer to her chest. "After Kate took me to the doctor and everything that first week, the following month I didn't get my period and I panicked even though I had taken Plan B. She took me to her doctor again for a test and Christian the wait for the result was... excruciating. I had already made my decision to terminate the pregnancy if I was but I cannot put into words what I felt during that wait and the week that led up to the doctors visit. I almost fell to the floor crying in relief as Kate held me. The doctor said it was probably just stress given everything. When I saw Kiran go through that... it was difficult. No matter what your beliefs are about something like this... it's a hard decision. I felt for her and myself and I couldn't even confide in her... Looking at this file... I'm just reminded of that time and I'm reminded of how destructive this information is."

"I'm sorry..." I murmur, not being able to offer her any other words of comfort. I can't even begin to comprehend how alone she must have felt. Yes, she had Kate but still; to not know who attacked you and then to possibly have been pregnant. A new wave of rage fills me.

"It's not your fault... you don't have to say that." She says with a small smile. I move in a little closer to kiss her temple and she rests her head on my chest.

"Do you have any idea who Kiran hooked up with?"

"No, but I know for a fact that she knows the person. She lied to my face. She has a tell... she does this thing with her hair when she's lying..."

"What do you mean?"

"When Kiran first met Daniel, she thought he was cute but he was not her type. Kiran likes mysterious bad boy type guys who she has great sexual chemistry with. Daniel... is... not that but in the end Daniel was the good and safe choice but she made him work for it. He chased her for like two years, he was smitten with her... I mean Kiran told me when I was 14 that whenever I choose to get married I should marry a guy who loves me more than I love him to ensure that the marriage is successful and I was happy and taken care of." She rolls her eyes.

"What the fuck is that bullshit about?" What the hell was a 20 year old doing telling an innocent 14 year old that?

"Don't know but I called it a Kiranism. She has all these sayings that I personally find ridiculous but to each their own. I know way too much about Kiran's life with the exception of one guy. There was this one guy she dated briefly before she finally got with Daniel, she never told me who he was and his name on her phone was 'Jaan' which is a term of endearment and means life but also told me that everything was amazing with him especially in terms of sex. She's like very adventurous and shit...it was always TMI for my pure teenage innocent ears... anyway, it was a relationship that she knew wouldn't be good as a long-term emotional investment – again, her words not mine. I mean I was 15 and I was like okay... whatever, I don't care if you don't tell me his name. I don't know, maybe I'm grasping at straws and it was a random hookup... but then again..." She takes a deep breath and I can tell the wheels are turning. "never mind..."

What the fuck? "No... tell me. I want to know."

"umm, Iook, women... no wait. Let me figure out a way to say this delicately... fuck it... look, Kate, Rania and Kiran are VERY candid when they talk about sex. Like, me... I don't kiss and tell ANYBODY." She laughs covering her face and it makes me smile. My shy girl. "But the way Kiran talked about this one guy, she's never... and I mean NEVER... talked about Daniel the same way. Like one is a decadent piece of chocolate cake and the other is a fat free, dairy free, vegan, 50 calorie pint of ice-cream." She shrugs and I laugh.

I snort. "Well... that's brutal."

"Yep." She shrugs trying to contain her laughter. "I feel so bad... but he's you know, he loves her and he's willing to go on her sexual adventures and that's what counts right? He's being a good partner and trying to do whatever he can to please the love of his life... and apparently he's gotten much better... so good for him."

"I feel so sorry for him now."

"There's a song about this... all good boys go to heaven but bad boys bring heaven to you." She wiggles her eyebrows.

"Well, well... I wonder which category I fall into?" I lean in and bite her lip.

"Mr. Grey, you have your own special category." She smiles and gives me a kiss. "Also, not a word of any of this to Elliot. Promise me." She gives me signature 'obey me or else' look and it's adorable. I could never say no to her.

"Don't worry, I'm not telling that gossip queen anything." I smirk. "So what about this mystery guy, why wouldn't the family have approved?"

"I don't know... I think she just used that as an excuse. I mean Daniel didn't get introduced to the parentals officially until four years ago. Till then he was just Vishaal and Karan's friend. Come to think of it, you have got be the only guy who got introduced almost immediately as a boyfriend and didn't get ANY shit from anyone. I mean poor Daniel, we put him the wringer for sure."

"I mean look at me, I'm Mr. One Hunnid." I smirk and she bursts out laughing.

"Rania has created a monster." She pulls my face closer to hers and peppers my lips with kisses.

"So she doesn't love Daniel? Then why marry him?"

"No, she loves him... but there's obviously an imbalance. Also, Daniel comes from a good, well-respected family and he's just a good and safe choice. It's like she had her fun and now this is serious and good choice she made for the rest of her life."

"Sounds like she may one day wake up with regrets."

"For Daniel's sake, I hope not. I hope she can find peace and truly continue to love him the way he deserves to be loved. He doesn't deserve any sadness. He's such a good guy, Christian." Her voice wavers.

I tip her head towards me. "None of this is your fault Ana, I know you feel for him but in the end, you did none of this."

"You're only saying this because it's me. How would you feel if Elliot or Mia were in Daniel's place? Wouldn't you want them to know?"

I think for a few moments. "I guess you're right, I would but again, this is between Kiran and him."

She lightly shakes her head but doesn't say anything for a while.

"I've been talking to Flynn about my relationship with Kiran as well... "

"What does he say?"

"He hasn't said anything that I didn't already know. She expects information from me. I mean just because she chose to tell me shit about herself doesn't mean I have to reciprocate. At the rehearsal dinner after our conversation about her trying for a baby, she quickly turned it on to me. I can tell she's really bothered that I don't talk about our life and us. I keep it very general. I mean... I just never had a romantic interest before so I didn't have anything to share and Kiran, Rania and Kate would just over share all the time and they're comfortable doing that. Good for them but I'm not like that."

"What does she want to know exactly?"

"Girl talk shit. I mean Kate and Rania joke about shit all the time and it never feels like it's coming from a place of malice, it's always just light humor and they understand when I don't divulge anything, they get it and they don't push me any further... but I'm realizing now how insufferable Kiran can be sometimes." Her face is tense and she rubs her forehead.

"What happened, baby? Did she say anything?"

"She wanted to know how things were between us and when we were thinking of tying the knot because I should've had a ring on my finger by now and that I should bag you before it's too late. Then she took it upon herself to tell me that I shouldn't play the innocent virgin act for too long because you'll get bored or distracted and that I have no idea how these big money type guys really are so she tried to give me tips and I was like stoppp! And then she goes, I just want to make sure things are okay for you, you're so inexperienced when it comes to relationships and you need to make sure you're both satisfied and I was like, bitch look at us, do we look dissatisfied?" She sasses and it makes me laugh. "It's just that her tone, it felt so condescending like... I don't know if it's my own insecurity talking but like it almost felt like she was saying that I'm not good enough for you or that I will fuck this up unless I follow her directive. It's so different from how Rania talks about us. Like yeah, she makes jokes but she's also so supportive and always makes sure that I know she's only joking and she's never burdening me to tell her stuff she always says, I'm here if you need me. That's it." She smiles fondly while talking about her.

"I don't understand what the fuck is her problem?" Why the fuck is she trying to poison Ana's mind?

"FOMO is her problem." She breathes out in frustration.

"FOMO?" What the fuck is that? Is it a disease?

"Yeah, fear of missing out. She wants to know shit. " I want to laugh but bite my tongue. "When I was younger I was just this place for an information dump... and now she expects the same so she can wear those big sister shoes and wave around that honor... but I don't want or need her advice. Rania sent me a voice note telling me that Kiran asked her since when are you so friendly with Christian? And Rania was like, since I didn't leak their photos to the press." She deadpans and I burst out laughing.

"Okay, we can keep Rania. I like her."

She giggles. "Yeah, Rania doesn't fuck around."

"Maybe you should tell her stuff, twist the knife a little." I smirk and wink at her.

She laughs a little. "I should, shouldn't I?" but then she shakes her head. "No, I won't ever tell her anything in detail. Don't want that bad energy directed at us. Nani told me once that not everyone wants to hear about how happy you are. Most people want to really hear how miserable you are so they can feel like they're not alone."

I hold her tight and breathe in the scent of her shampoo. It smells of jasmine and I feel even more relaxed that before.

"How was your session with Flynn today?" I ask after a few minutes.

"Not good. Today was exceptionally... I had a hard time articulating my feelings and I ended up crying for most of the session. Maybe cause of dad's birthday."

"What happened, baby?"

She takes a deep breath and sits up and turns to me but our eyes don't meet. She plays with the tassels of the cushion on her lap and twirls through her fingers.

"There was such a significant disconnect between my two worlds before. I had become so good at suppressing everything and I was able to function normally and be you know... somewhat happy? I wasn't sad all the time... but now I can't escape it. Everything in my life is colliding and I know I wanted this. I wanted my life to grow but all of this is just too hard." She buries her face in her hands and sobs.

"I'm starting to remember little details and I can't make any sense of it. My dreams aren't making and sense. I just see random shit and..." she looks up at me. "I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm really trying to get better but this feels harder than all the shit I went through in recovery... and I'm starting to feel suffocated. My usual coping mechanisms, I can't access them. How many puzzles can I do or books can I read or movies can I watch cooped up here? I'm not trying to be bratty or ungrateful but this is like a repeat of my life in San Francisco. I miss going out for a walk and sitting on the grass and... I'm sorry. I'm just having a hard time adapting. I've really been trying but... it's really getting to me now. I'm not used to all this extravagance. I mean... I really miss grocery shopping." She giggles a little and it makes me smile.

"Why didn't you tell me before, Ana?"

"I thought I could handle it... but talking to Flynn today I realized I can't. "

"Tell me baby, how can I make it better for you?"

"I'm not telling you all this to make you feel bad, Christian... I'm just struggling and I don't know what the answer is yet. Flynn wants me to seriously consider medication and I don't want to. I spent three years being doped up on various medications and I hated it."

"I know can understand that. He wanted me to start taking sleeping pills for the longest time but I refused to."

"We're so stubborn aren't we?" she says with a small smile and I nod.

"What about your dreams, what do you remember?"

"New things... the color of a bed sheet it was silk and white and the smell of sandalwood and vanilla... seeing stars and the smell of cigarettes... I remember neon lights. I remember seeing a painting above me with a woman falling, that's new. None of it makes sense."

"Have you tried to retrace your steps from that night? Any pictures... anything?"

"I don't think I had my phone that night because there were no pictures on it when I went through it the next morning. I remember very little from that night. I just vaguely remember getting ready with Kiran and Rania, they did my hair and makeup and Rania said we went to his apartment to meet everyone else and pre game a little before we head out... that's all and if I ask them questions about it now that could raise alarms. Especially for Rania... I think I'm also afraid of remembering everything... I don't know if I'll be able to handle it." She shakes her head and opens her mouth to say something else but can't seem to find the words to speak.

"Any idea where you guys went maybe?"

She shakes her head. "Some club in SF... "

"Whenever you feel like you're up to it, try and ask Rania for some details just to try and see if you can get a clearer picture..."

"Yeah... maybe." She mumbles. "I just feel like this is all building to something... like it's going to keep getting worse. I have this gut feeling... something is about to happen and I can't shake it."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't explain it. I just know... something... something is about to happen and I've felt this way before... but it's never been this extreme." She shakes her head.

"Hey, look at me." She looks up at me and I pull her in close. "Nothing is going to happen to you, I promise you." She doesn't say anything but lays her head on my chest again and I rub her back.

"Did you tell Flynn about what happened yesterday and about the car?"

"I did. He wants me to tell Nita. That I shouldn't let guilt of things that I had no hand in, consume me in my desire to not hurt her. I get what he's saying, I do, I just... it's like unthreading everything... this fabric that I've been bound in, years of manipulation and sweet talk." She goes on to talk about how aside from our personal biases whatever he does in public, much like how Elena did, everything seems normal and innocent and that facing all this head on is proving to be even more difficult than she initially realized.

She takes a deep breath before speaking again. "As far as what happened yesterday... it reminded me of my encounter with him the day of the wedding brunch before I fainted..." her face gets tense and her eyes blink rapidly.

"Hey, listen... it's okay if you don't want to talk about it." even though I desperately want to know what happened.

"No... it's fine... I can't keep this buried any longer. I kept all this hidden because it's so painful to talk about but now I feel like it's poisoning my insides. When I left the cottage... he was behind me so he yanked my arm and slammed m a against the brick wall pinning me with his body." She closes her eyes and takes a few moments. "He had learned from before when I kneed him so he made sure I couldn't move my legs. He said...sorry, I need a minute to translate... it doesn't matter what I do because he was always going to have been there first and he will be there last. It was just a matter of time till I finally realized it. He was angry and disappointed that I was with you. That it's my fault this all happened in the first place, if only I had not been so stubborn... and then he tried to kiss me but I turned my face away and that's when we heard someone walking in our direction and he loosened his grip on me a little... I pushed him away and ran to come find you guys...and last night, I felt like I was back there and I felt paralyzed... and then I was just lost."

I want to murder the asshole. I want him in the fucking ground.

"Come here." I open my arms and she climbs on top of me and holds on to me tightly but she doesn't cry. She barely breathes but I feel her shiver. "He's a one delusional son of a bitch. He'll never fucking touch you that way again... and if he tries to, I'll kill him with my bare hands."

"I'm trying, Christian, I'm really trying to get better." I feel her tears against my neck.

"I know you are and I will be here with you every step of the way. You are so strong, Ana."

"I couldn't do any of this without you. I need you." She says with a strained voice.

I pull her face back and wipe her tears. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be by your side throughout. I promise."

She nods and I lean in to kiss her

---

Saturday, June 6th, 2020

I take the exit off the highway and drive into the little town of Montesano. Ana asks that we stop by her middle school first which is on our way to the breakfast place she loves.

"Okay so, this is my middle school. This is where Nita and Ray first met." I park the car and she walks me to the spot where Ray would wait for her and she'd walk from the school gates and meet him. We walk into the playground where she used to hangout during recess and she tells me the story of how she met Nita and how Nita met Ray.

"Nita started out as a substitute teacher first and she became a geography teacher. I remember the first time she came to our class because I was just so mesmerized by her. She was just so beautiful and her hair was long and braided like a south Asian Rapunzel... and I just wanted to be friends with her. She asked us to do one of those projects where you research a country you want to visit and I obviously did Italy. I had geography last period and she'd always walk us out to the playground and hang with the other teachers as the kids were picked up or left. The day we had to present, she wore Indian clothes and did a small presentation of her own about where she was from in India."

We go to the swings and sit for a bit, she gently swings and tells me the story. She looks so young and full of life and joy.

"I just couldn't stop staring at her and I was in love with what she was wearing, it was a white shalwar kameez... I just wanted her to be my mom. Like, I instinctively knew it. I had never had that kind of reaction before. I had never looked at a woman and thought, she'd be amazing for Ray and she'd be good to me. It's so weird but that day when she stood outside, I hung around her like a leech and asked her like a million questions that I forgot Ray was waiting for me. Ray eventually freaked out and walked over to look for me and saw me talking to Nita... when he got closer I was like 'hey dad, this is my teacher Miss Nita, she's from India and she told us all about it. She turned around and I could see Ray's face just... like he was gone. Ray was usually this really reserved person who always knew what to say but in front of Nita I actually heard him stumble. I was like wait... what just happened? Nita was her usual charming self and of course praised my project cause I was the fucking bomb at that shit in school." She says with her usual sass. I fucking love it. I can't help but laugh. "

"And then, I mean you've heard her, she's the most sophisticated and soft-spoken woman ever and the British accent really helps too... I mean the first time she accidently called me Aana, she immediately corrected herself and I was like, no girlfriend... you can TOTALLY call me that. I felt so fancy when she called me Aana... I felt like a million bucks." She sasses, making me chuckle.

"So yeah, Ray really tripped over his words and it was embarrassing but we finally walked away and he asked me a million questions about her and then every other day, he'd walk in to pick me up to see Nita. At first I was like why is he coming to pick me up and then it hit me but I was like, I have to be smooth about this. That's how Operation: Hook up Ray Steele and Nita Karim began." She can't stop laughing.

We make our way to head out and get breakfast.

We stop at the local diner that Ana and Ray used to frequent when she was growing up here. The owner was Ray's army buddy and Ana tells me that they have an extra set of keys to the house and go there every now and then to check in on things and sometimes use it when they're kids and grandkids need a place to stay during their family reunions. Nita sends them money to have the house cleaned every so often, especially around the time of his birthday in case Ana wants to visit. Except, Ana hasn't visited the house since the accident. Today she wants to change that.

"Mr. Pancakes?" I ask with a laugh.

"I know, super corny but Ray and Mr. Davis loved pancakes and this name is a result of a drunken night apparently. They were known to be like the pancake chefs in their unit... and we'd come here for breakfast almost every Sunday, sometimes even 2-3 times a week. It was a thing and honestly they are some of the best pancakes I've ever had." She giggles.

We walk in and the lady ringing up the cash register looks up almost screams. "ANA STEELE." Ana laughs and walks towards her as the woman runs around the counter and envelopes her in a hug. She's in her late 50's with short grey hair and a warm smile.

"My god, you look so beautiful, so grown up. You get more and more beautiful every time I see you." I have to agree with her.

"Oh god... enough of that. I have missed you. How are you? Is Mr. Davis here? What about Kristen? It's been forever... oh by the way, this is my boyfriend Christian, I'm giving him the grand tour of our amazing little town." She beams back and me and holds out her hand. I walk towards her and smile.

"It's lovely to meet you Mrs. Davis, Ana tells me that the pancakes here are amazing."

"Oh please, stop with the formalities you two, just call me Jane. I'm so happy you both are here, let me take you to your usual booth."

She leads us to a booth that has a three pictures hanging over on the wall. One of Ray and who I suspect Mr. Davis to be standing and holding the evidence of success from a fishing trip and one picture of Ana and Ray sitting in the booth, eating pancakes and the last one of Ray standing with his unit. The words 'Steele's Booth' read over on the wall.

"Joe will be out in a bit, he's going to be so happy to see you. We thought we'd see you earlier in the week..."

"I'm sorry about that, it was a work thing and I couldn't take off, besides it's better coming today, I won't feel so rushed to get back." Ana give a small smile and I feel a pang of guilt.

"I'm happy you're here, the usual?" Jane asks with a warm smile and twinkling eyes.

"Yep, the usual and maybe we'll Christian can look at the menu and see what he likes?"

"I'll have pancakes too, whatever you recommend Jane."

"Well Ana dear loves her pancakes with a dulce de leche sauce topped with peaches and pecans and Ray loved his the apple pie pancakes, how about I get you guys that? We'll celebrate him."

"Sounds perfect Jane." I smile back. She walks away with excitement and gives in the order to the back.

Ana looks up to the wall and gets lost in thought. I can see tears start to form in her eyes. I grab her hand and she suddenly comes back to earth and smiles at me.

"It was such a sweet gesture for them to do this after Dad died. Joe and Dad were best friends. They even came up to see me in SF a few times and made us all pancakes. It was so sweet. I wish I could do something more than just coming back once a year." She says wistfully.

I smile back at her and squeeze her hand. "I love this picture of you and Ray. You look adorable, a tiny Ana." She's sitting in the same spot she is right now, wearing a yellow dress, with her hair in a ponytail and a white ribbon tied on it. She couldn't be more than 4 or 5 years old in the photo. She smiles at it.

Even right now, she's wearing an off the shoulder white summer dress with her hair in her signature ponytail with a black ribbon tied up in a bow around it. She looks young and innocent, just like in the picture.

"It's one of my favorites." She smiles trying to stop the tears falling, and we hear a loud booming voice echo through the restaurant.

"I HEAR A STEELE IS IN THE RESTAURANT!" A tall man in his early 50's with a muscular build, I suspect to be Joe Davis walks towards us with open arms and a big smile. Ana jumps up and returns the hug and he kisses her temple. "I've missed my favorite member of the Steele family."

Ana giggles. "I've missed you all too, how are you?" They exchange pleasantries and catch up and Ana introduces me. Joe gives me a strong handshake that I think will break my hand but I take it in stride. I suppose Ray would've been like this too.

"It's good to meet you son, just take care of our girl of Steele here and we'll be good." Joe says with a laugh and wink. Ana rolls her eyes.

We sit back down and soon enough our food comes and we start to eat. It's delicious. Half way through we switch plates and I find Ana's version of pancakes to be better.

"This is where Ray asked Nita for a date. Or rather I asked Nita out on a date for Ray." Ana laughs.

"You didn't..." I look at surprised.

"Yeah, we usually would come here on Sunday mornings at around 9am or so but for some reason that particular Sunday morning we decided to come by at noon and we were in our usual booth and were about to get done with our breakfast when I saw Nita walk in and take that seat outside by the window there." She points to the front of diner and I turn to look back. "She had come with a book and placed her order and was waiting for her food to come. I was watching her the whole time and I knew that Ray liked her cause it was so fucking obvious... anyway, we exit the diner and I immediately run up to Nita and am all like, 'hi miss nita, I didn't know you liked pancakes too and blah blah' and she stands up and gives me a kiss on the cheek and shakes hands with Ray who is again tongue tied as usual." She's so animated, imitating Nita and Ray as she tells me, it's hilarious and she looks breath taking.

"... and Nita is her usual teacher self, all Hi Mr. Steele, I hope you've been well, Aana's been doing great in school etc and I totally went in for the kill and basically said "Miss Nita would you like to go on a date with my dad." Like... Boom. Right there. No place to hide. Ray was dumbfounded, he squeezed my hand and gave me this look of like... shut the fuck up... and then looked back at Nita all embarrassed and Nita just laughed, like a genuine big laugh and said 'I'd love to, I had been waiting for you to ask me yourself though." I mean... props to Nita right? Totally smooth.And Ray just smiled like a shy schoolboy it was so beautiful... and guess what I did next?" Ana looks at me laughing.

I can't help but laugh "I don't know Miss Steele, you're quite unpredictable so I can't guess."

"I was like, can I come on the date too? and Ray looked down at me and said no, this will be a grown up date and burst my bubble right there." She throws her head back laughing. I want so badly to lean in and kiss her in this moment but I'll wait till we're in private. "Anyway, we got back to the car and he was like Annie, I can't believe you did that but thank you. Now I have to figure out what the hell I'm going to wear. So we went to the mall and got him a nice sports jacket and they started texting, I mean it was so cute and the day of the date, when Ray got all dressed up he was like a different man. I mean all cleaned up, wearing cologne, I mean a real heartthrob and he hired our neighbors daughter to babysit me and I tried to stay up but I fell asleep doing my homework on the sofa and when he came home he picked up to tuck me into bed and immediately woke up and bombarded him with questions. What did you eat, what did she wear... all that bullshit and then I ended with, did you kiss her, are you going to marry her? And he was like yeah I kissed her and I would like to marry her but please for the love of god do not ask her to marry me. I'd like to do that myself." She's completely beside herself laughing and I am too. God she was such a ray of light even then. A godsend.

"Miss Steele, you're incredible you know that. I loved this story so much."

She shrugs playfully, "I try, I try." I love it when she does that. That's my Ana. Through all the pain and suffering she still finds a way to shine through.

We leave to head over to Ana's childhood home. She becomes a little quiet and just looks out the window.

"Baby, are you sure you want to do this? You don't have to." I hold out my hand and she takes it.

"No, it's okay, I can't avoid it forever... besides it's an important part of the tour and my story that I want to share with you." Her voice is low and strained as if she's about to cry but she gives me a small smile.

We drive up her street, it's on a slight hill and a dead end. Her house is at the very end. We park in the driveway and get out. She walks up to the front door and runs her finger over the numbers 910 on the door before looking for the keys in her bag. She takes them out and takes a deep breath and takes a moment. I hug from behind and kiss her cheek and rest my face on her shoulder. She nods and I feel a tear fall from her eye. I kiss her cheek again. She puts the key in, unlocks the door and opens it taking a step in. She takes off her shoes and walks into the tv room. It's a small, two-story house, perfect as a starter home for a small family.

The house is modestly decorated and decorated with tons of pictures. Mostly of Ana and Ray and then a few with Nita as well on their family trips and birthdays. She walks into the kitchen and checks to see if there's anything to drink. She finds tea only and a few bottles of beer. She offers me some but I decline so to put on a kettle of hot water to make some tea.

"This was our humble abode." She says smiling but there are tears in her eyes. I go and hug her again. "I'm fine Christian, I promise. I just can't believe I'm here and how much I've missed it."

"I'm so happy to be here with you right now, Ana" she rests her head on my chest. Soon the kettle goes off and she makes herself some tea. We walk back to the couch and she pulls out a family album from under the coffee table. She shows me pictures of her as a 2 year old with Ray and Carla. Then the album progresses to just pictures of her and Ray, birthdays and holidays, their adventures to vintage car shows, hiking, fly-fishing, in what looks like Ray's carpentry studio and pancake breakfasts. There's even a picture of her and Ray with the space needle in the background. He showed her so much love and gave her such a fulfilling childhood. The album moves on with a series of pictures with Nita being a part of their lives, from wedding pictures to family trips, a few of Nita being pregnant and pictures inside the house in general and finally ends with two pictures one of with with Ana's 17th birthday. She's wearing a happy birthday cone hat with Nita and Ray kissing her cheeks. Then there's a polaroid picture of them standing in front of a Christmas Tree in 2012. There are no pictures after that.

She goes to the front of the album and pulls a photo from the front sleeve and shows it to me. It's an image of Ray and Nita from what looks like their wedding day. Ray is wearing an Indian ensemble, similar to what Scooter wore on his wedding and he looks handsome. Nita is wearing something simple, similar to what Ana wore on Eid but it's with an ornate headpiece.

"Did Ray and Nita have an Islamic marriage too?"

"No they didn't. I mean people still do it, but ideally you have to convert in order for the marriage to be valid. So Nita and Ray first got married at SF city hall and then just got dressed up for a small gathering at the Scott Street house. This photo is from that gathering where Nani got Ray a sherwani and shalwar kameez made. He looks really handsome though." She smiles and traces the picture with her fingers.

She pulls out another album that's just pictures of Nita and Ray's wedding. Some of the city hall wedding and then of the wedding party after. There are pictures of Kiran, Vishaal and Ana. Ana looks adorable. She's in a yellow ensemble that's comprised of a blouse and a ball gown skirt with a scarf draped across to make it look like sari, similar to how she looked on Kiran's wedding for the Hindu ceremony. Her hair is braided and she's wearing a small headpiece. She looks so innocent and beautiful and her blue eyes are striking as always. There are pictures of her dancing and hugging everyone. I see Karan, Rania and Aashu as well as her other cousins, dancing and cuddling her.

"What was it like meeting Nita's family? Were you at all nervous?"

"Not really. I was just happy I was going to get on a plane and see the golden gate bridge. I was just concerned with my social calendar." She laughs a little. "Nita and Ray had been dating about 2 months and then he proposed to her. So Nita went to SF to visit and told her parents and her sister. Nana wasn't exactly pleased with the idea but got over it once he met Ray and I. When I went to SF, I only got nervous when we showed up to their house cause it looked like a mansion from the outside and I'd never seen stuff like that except on TV. Nita had told Kiran and Vishaal how much I liked board games and ice-cream and pancakes. They made me feel at home in that first meeting. They took me to the basement and we watched a movie and played monopoly. Then whenever we'd visit, they would take me out for ice-cream and genuinely got to know me and I became really good friends with them. Nani, immediately took me under her wing. She would visit once a month and dote on me. She'd put coconut oil in my hair, brush it, and cook for me and teach me whatever I wanted to know because I had so many freaking questions. Operation brainwash and transform Ana was in full effect." She laughs again.

"When we got done at City Hall and we walked out. I was so happy Christian. I looked up at Nita and asked her if I could call her 'Mama' and she started crying, and I thought I made a mistake or something but she hugged me so hard and said that she'd be so honored. It had been the one of the best moments of my life at that point." Ana wipes tears from her cheek still holding on to the photo of Ray and Nita. "then we went back home and got ready for the evening party. I got dressed up in a lehnga choli for the first time, Kiran helped me get ready. She did my hair and gave me her jewelry and put blush on me. Alia Khala ordered brand new clothes and bangles from India for me. I finally felt like I was a part of something bigger. I didn't feel insignificant. I never worried about them not loving me, I had no fear of abandonment from them until after..." she shrugs.

I kiss her temple. "You're light shines through each and every image. You look so happy in all these photos. I could stare at them all day." I tell her.

"I love you, Mr. Grey." She leans in for a kiss on my cheek.

We look at some more pictures and one catches my eye. "Who's this woman hugging you?"

She smiles fondly. "This is Karan and Aashu's mom."

"She's beautiful."

"She was and such a sweetheart. She went to finishing school with Nita but was a few years older than her. She was so sweet to me. I remember when I was I think 13, that thanksgiving we went to SF, she was so loving towards me... she'd brush my hair and braid it and that trip she gave me advice. She said, well... I'm translating it so it may sound a little weird but she said that I shouldn't let everyone look into my eyes for too long because not everyone deserved to live in my eyes that the wrong person could end up taking my light away."

Except, he stole her light. He tried to break her.

"I think I understand what that means." And I'm suddenly reminded of my conversation with Nani during the meeting from a couple of weeks ago.

"Aana held out her hand and greeted me and called me Nani with her beautiful, piercing blue eyes. I searched for that moment for almost 65 years up until that point."

"I was talking to Karan about it a couple of weeks ago. It was the anniversary of her death and we were sharing memories and I told him about this and he said that was mum's nice way of saying, don't fall in love with an asshole." She giggles.

"Well thank god you didn't." I smirk.

"I fell in love with the best man in the world." She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me deeply.

She leads me up the stairs to her room. She stands outside of the closed door and looks to me.

"My room is like a flea market so brace yourself." She giggles.

I lean in and kiss her nose. "Bracing for impact Miss Steele."

She opens the door and we walk into a room that's similar in size to her Seattle apartment before she moved in with me but a little smaller maybe. It's filled with warm afternoon light. The walls are a pale pink filled with posters of her favorite bands and big maps of Italy and India. There's a book shelf with books, all the classics and some about cars and one on how to learn Italian. The top has little figurines of the taj mahal, tower of pisa, a sky blue colored VW bug named Wanda and a small ceramic rose that looks like a jewelry box. I see a print of Monet's water lilies frame on the wall. I see small souvenirs from different countries that Kiran would bring for her from her trips abroad.

"Feel free to ask me any questions about the exhibit." She laughs.

"Your room is beautiful. Just like the one in the Seattle, gives me a little glimpse into teenage Anastasia." I hold her face and kiss her.

"Teenage Anastasia was quite the loner and spent a lot of time in this room." She gives me a small smile.

"I was kind of the same too. I spent a lot of time in my room." I share.

"Look at us two loners, we found each other. Now we can be loners together." She smiles back up at me with her arms around my waist and she tiptoes and gives me a small kiss. I hold her face and stare into her eyes. She just pulls me in, I get lost in them and never want to be found.

"I love you so much Ana, and I'm so honored you chose to share this part of your life with me. I know it's difficult but it means the world to me." I stroke her cheek and tears fall from her eyes.

"You're the only person I want to share all of me with."

I go on for a kiss, a long, languid all consuming kiss. Not letting her move or breathe. I take over her mouth completely to show her how much I love her and need her.

I break away and she takes a few seconds to open her eyes, out of breath. I have to smile, I love doing this to her. I'll never get tired of this reaction where she loses herself completely.

APOV

I'm out of breath. Desperately trying to recover and come back to earth. His eyes are dark and full of desire. I want him so badly.

"So tell me Miss Steele, am I the first boy you've ever brought to your room?" he asks seductively.

I have to blink a few times to find my words. "... uh.. umm... yes, Mr. Grey." I sound so needy and out of breath.

"In that case, what are you going to do with me now that I'm here. I already have multiple fantasies of what I'd love do to you." He gives me a smile that melts me.

I feel my panties get drenched at the sound of that idea.

"I've never made out with a boy in my room." And never thought it'd be possible

"Hmm, that can be arranged. Do I get to all bases?"

"Depends on how good of a kisser you are." I shrug and give him my sassiest smile. He laughs and kisses my neck.

"Allow me to demonstrate my skill set Miss Steele." He chuckles.

He takes me and we fall on to the bed while he's on top me. He looks me in the eyes and strokes my cheek and leans in for a kiss.

He starts with small, light kisses and then I start to feel his tongue against my lip, asking for permission. I open my mouth a little more and our tongues do their familiar dance, as he runs his hand down my neck to my sternum then over my breasts, kneading them before heading to my hip. He grinds into me ever so slowly and I start to lose myself and grind back throwing my legs over him. The friction drives me insane.

Teenage Ana would die if she saw this.

He moves his lips down to my neck, sucking and nipping my skin "Tell me Miss Steele, am I a good kisser..." he asks between kisses as I pull gently on his hair. He trails back up to my ear and bites my earlobe.

"Yes... don't stop..." I moan and I feel him smile against my neck. He grinds again and I mewl. "I'm ready for this fantasy to progress now..." I tell him panting and he laughs a little.

"I've got you where I want you Miss Steele."

Asshole.

But he makes me laugh so I can't exactly be mad at him.

He lifts up my dress and rips my panties. I fucking love it and hate it when he does that. I make quick work of unbuckling his belt and stroke him. He lets out a stifled moan into my neck. He positions himself and enters me as slow as he can. I can't help but arch my back and moan loudly. I love this, every time he enters me I get lost in this sensation of him filing me to the hilt. His entire body weight rests on me with his forearm above my head and one hand cupping my face as he runs his nose along mine. I try to move and create friction but he doesn't let me.

"Just feel me baby." He says as his lips lightly touch mine. "I love being inside you, I love that we fit so well together, that we were made for each other." His voice and his words are almost my undoing. "Always meant to be."

I lift up his shirt to take it off and he helps me unbutton the front of my dress and plays with my breasts. I hold his face and kiss him, he parts his lips and I try my best not to move my body as I wrestle with his tongue. I break the kiss and look into his eyes filled with desire. "I love you so much Christian" I say but the emotion in my voice betrays me as it wavers.

He closes his eyes and rests his forehead against mine. "I love you Ana, you are everything to me." He kisses me, an all-consuming kiss meant to take everything I have and starts to slowly move. It's heaven and torture at the same time. I tighten myself around him and he grunts into my neck, kissing and sucking on my skin ever so often.

He slowly makes love to me. With each thrust I reach higher and higher, I'm unable to control myself as I moan his name. He covers my mouth with his and I suddenly feel his fingers tease my clit... bringing me closer till I can't hold it any longer and we both come together. I feel him spasm inside of me as he fills me. We're both completely spent and out of breath at the intensity of what we just experienced. He looks at me with that same look that I revere and fear all at the same time. Will he always look at me like that? I'm so overcome with emotion of what I feel for him that tears fall and he wipes them away, kissing my eyes and telling me he loves me.

After a series of soft kisses, he moves lying on my side and pulling me with him. We lay in comfortable silence for a little while as he idly plays with my hair.

"This was your skylight?" Christian asks softly, looking up. It's a small rectangular skylight recessed into the roof.

"Yeah, it was my little window into dreamland. The sky is always clear here... at least that's what I remember... and I didn't feel scared of falling asleep alone because there would always be moonlight or I could see the stars and that gave me comfort."

He kisses my forehead and snuggle into him a little more.

"I guess it's a good thing that you and I were not closer in age or met in high school." I muse.

"Why?"

"Cause you would've kept me distracted with your sexpertise, Christian Grey and then Ray would've really used his shotgun."

He lets out a big laugh. "Where you do come up with these words? Kinky fuckery... sexpertise?"

I get up and straddle him. "I'm a genius, Grey. Get with the program." He smirks at me and sits up so that we're close. I feel him hard and throbbing underneath me. He takes off my dress and throws it on the floor.

"I think I want to use my sexpertise to fuck you, Miss Steele. Would teenage Ana be into that?"

"Only if you promise to fuck me hard." I bite his lip trying to stifle a giggle and he gives me his signature bad boy smirk. We need this. After all the emotions and the mess of this week, we need this moment. We need to connect and really be with each other. Sex strengthens our connection and it makes everything feel right again.

He lifts me and I take him in but he keeps the pace slow and measured. I don't ever mind him being in control but sometimes a girl wants to be in charge. He looks into my eyes as he controls my movements. He travels down my neck with kisses and as soon as he gets to my breast he circles my nipple with tip of his tongue, never breaking eye contact while his fingers twist the other. With our eyes locked he takes my nipple between his teeth and lightly bites down and it causes me to throw my head back and moan his name. He's going to fucking kill me this way. It's a slow torture and I want more and I don't think I can take the slow pace anymore. I know what will really spur him on but do I want to summon Dom Christian right now?

Yes I do.

It's been a week and since I saw him and I want him.

I pull his face up mine and I kiss him deeply, whispering against his lips. "Harder, Sir. Please." I look into his eyes and he gives me the look I've been craving to see. "I need you." I tell him and I suddenly feel him tighten his grip around my hips. He turns and pins me down to the bed with my arms stretched above me and he leans into me.

"Tell me Anastasia... you want me to fuck you hard... here?" His breathing is labored and his eyes are full of dark and full of lust.

"Yes, Sir." I say out of breath. "Please fuck me." You're turned me into a needy ass hoe, what else did you expect, Grey?

His lips curl into a devilish smile and he moves a little and then positions himself against my opening and rams into me as hard as he can and it's everything I've needed for the past week. I loudly moan as he fucks me. "More, Christian... I want more..." I urge him between thrusts and we lock eyes and he leans in to me and we moan in between our wet and sloppy kisses. I get lost in the sensation of him possessing me and come hard and loud as my whole body arches. He follows immediately after burying his face in my breasts and biting down as hard as he can. The pain sets me off again and I scream in pleasure as another orgasm hits before I'm even come down from the high of the first one.

I love how he can make my body do that.

We lie panting, trying to catch our breaths and a giggle escapes me.

"What's so funny Miss Steele?" he asks, lightly biting and kissing my neck.

"17 year old Ana would totally laugh or hold a shotgun in my face if I went back and told about what just happened here."

"I think 17 year old Christian would laugh in my face too if I told him about this hot girl I'm with right now." He chuckles.

"We had zero faith in ourselves. Now look at us..." I muse.

"It's all because of you baby..." He pulls my face to him and kisses me deeply. We lay like this for a while, looking into each other's eyes and making out like teenagers, whispering I love yous.

Soon the room starts to get a little too warm. We get up and clean up a little bit. I show him the small guest bedroom and then Ray and Nita's room down the hall.

"I remember when I first got my period, I was in so much pain. Nita had already explained a couple of months before that I would most probably start to get a 'monthly visitor from Mother Nature'" She giggles "but when it finally happened, it was painful as fuck. I couldn't sit, stand or lie down. I was just restless. The cramps were excruciating and I was in a miserable mood. So Nita brought me in to her bed and cuddled me like a baby. She rubbed my back and gave me a heated water bottle. "

I feel my eyes water at the memory and I find myself unable to step into the room. It still smells of Ray.

Christian kisses my forehead. "Nita has been a wonderful mother to you."

"She has. She has been so selfless with me and I feel so guilty as of late. I've been a shitty daughter lost in her own issues."

"Hey, look at me." Christian, holds my chin tipping it up to look at him. "You're not a shitty daughter. I see how you call and text her everyday and do your best to include her in everything while still giving her space. Stop being so hard on yourself all the time." He peppers my lips with a few kisses and tickles me, making me laugh and engulfs me in a big hug.

CPOV

I never thought I'd ever be this in love and to fall even more and more in love with her. It doesn't stop and I don't want it to.

As we descend the stairs and are a halfway down, she stops and sits down. I sit with her and look at her.

"When Nita and Ray would have date night at home, at 8:30pm I was ordered to go upstairs to bed cause it was always a damn school night. It was so annoying... Ray would always put on music and I'd creep down and sit here and watch them dance. It was so romantic and beautiful. Ray wasn't a dancer but he would just hold Nita close and sway with her." She starts to cry and then laughs a little

"Ray could always tell when I sat down, even though I used to be quiet as a mouse, after one song he'd just say 'Annie, go back upstairs now' but he never scolded me about it. I think he wanted me to see that and know that love existed because I never saw it between him and Carla. She was always distant and they'd fight every now and then. He never showed her affection the way he did Nita. Sometimes, they wouldn't dance, they'd just sit and hold each other and have a glass of wine or a beer." She wipes a tear and smiles looking down into the room.

She points and shows me where they used to dance behind the couch and between the bay window. "He always played the Natalie Cole unforgettable album and started with the same song. I'd tell you the song but it's in French and I'll definitely butcher it." She looks at me and giggles.

"What's it called?" I stroke her cheek. She proceeds to take out her phone and I stop her. "No tell me." I smile.

She rolls her eyes. "It was called darling, je vous aime beaucoup..." she scrunches up her face in embarrassment.

"you said it beautifully baby, je t'aime beaucoup."

She smiles back saying "pour toujours" and kisses me.

"I thought you didn't know French Miss Steele." I hover over her lips.

"Only a few words, I was hoping you can teach me more?" The little gesture means so much and make my heart soar.

"I'd love to baby."

She gets up and we get to the bottom of the stairs and I ask for her phone, she gives it to me with a puzzled look and I look for the song she mentioned. I press play. "May I have this dance Miss Steele?" I ask as I hold out my hand. She smiles with tears in her eyes and takes my hand. I place the phone on the window sill and start to dance with her. She giggles when I twirl her and holds me tight when resting her head on my chest. We sway to the music and I kiss her hair. I tip her head back to me and she tries her best not to cry. I kiss her soft and warm lips and rest my head in the crook of her neck as the song plays on.

The song ends but we stand together for a little while longer, still swaying to our own rhythm. She looks up with a smile "I love dancing with you. Deep down I always wanted something like that and never knew if it was ever meant for me but you've given me everything I've ever dared to dream of."

Her words floor me.

I kiss her "Thank you for saying yes and letting me be your forever dance partner. I kiss her again. I can't get enough of her lips. I resolve to make sure that I dance with her like this as often as I can... anything to make her happy.

Before we leave, Ana takes me to the garage to show me Ray's carpentry workspace and the convertible Mustang Ray had acquired for her. It's just a shell of a body with an almost working engine.

"We were going to give it a new coat of paint, tires and maybe fix up the interior a bit. "

"What color?"

"Midnight blue and I was going to have a number plate at the back read "Steele'" and her name was going to be Wanda. She looks at the car with longing running her fingers over the body. "Ray's had a dark green convertible mustang named Stella which you've seen in pictures..." She takes a deep breath and pulls the sheet back over the car. "I initially wanted a VW bug and was gonna name her Wanda."

I chuckle "Why VW bug?"

"Cause... they're so cute and weird. Like me." She laughs placing both hands on her cheeks like a child Her cheeks are flushed and she looks so beautiful. "Ray was against it, he said that car was a death trap. I think he wanted to give me a confidence boost with this car and help me make friends or something cause I was a bit of a loner and nerd. I was only ever my amazing self with family." She giggles.

"Miss Steele, you're more of a Mustang girl. I agree with Ray."

"If she was in working condition, I bet my Wanda here would make your Lola out there eat the dust." She sneers.

"I have no doubt about that Miss Steele." I smirk at her and she sticks her tongue out at me.

"Let's head out, it's getting late."

"Do you want to go to his grave before we leave."

She takes a few moments before answering. "I'm not ready yet." I kiss her forehead and we walk towards the car.

I take the exit to head back on the I-5 towards Seattle.

"There was actually one part of the tour that I couldn'y show you, only because that supermarket is now a bunch of medical offices... but that's where Ray first met Carla and I. I was two years old and sitting in the shopping cart while Carla was looking at something on the shelves and Ray walked into the aisle and, his words not mine, I looked at him and gave him the biggest smile and raised my hands asking him to pick me up. Carla had told him that I never reacted to men that way and it was the first time I had done something like that. I guess I knew I wanted him to be my dad."

She breaks down but stops herself and takes a deep breath, still looking out of the window.

"He learned how to do everything for me; to make my hair, my lunch for school, helping me with homework. I once asked him why he always put a ribbon in my hair and he said because you're the greatest gift of my life. You made me a dad. So now, I'll sometimes wear a ribbon, especially on days when I really miss him." Her voice is thick and full of emotion. She wore a ribbon in her hair all week. Now I know why.

"You most certainly are the greatest gift in anyone's life. You really have no idea how phenomenal you are." I hold out my hand and she takes it.

"I wish so much he were alive and that you could've met him, even if it meant he'd try his best to scare you off with that shotgun I showed you." She giggles through the tears.

I laugh. "Was he really like that?"

"Oh yeah, he'd tried to ask me if I liked any boys and would want their full names and I was always like I don't have time for that. He just didn't want anyone to hurt me but it was so annoying. I'd joke and be like, what about when I'm old enough to find someone to get married and he'd say if he passes my test then you're free to marry him. Now I have no idea what that test was but I suspect maybe Nita knows. I'll ask her, I never really thought to ask her before."

"I'm certainly intrigued now." I chuckle. It's rare to have days like this with Ana. Where she's willing to share her most inner thoughts, where she's at her most vulnerable. Most days she's this happy go lucky girl who you'd never think experienced a day of sadness in her life when in reality she just absorbs it all but only gives back love.

We're halfway to Seattle and Ana has mostly remained quiet. I hear her breathe, I asked her if she wanted to play some music but she declined. After a while she begins to speak again, her eyes glued to the window.

"When I came out of my coma and it had been a while after I realized that Ray had died. Nani said something that only made sense to me very recently. She said that even though Ray wasn't alive anymore and as alone as I felt that I'd find his essence in people I met or knew. That is how he'd come back to me. So I'd pray to see it. I prayed for a very long time to see it. I had hoped that Vishaal would be one of those people but we all know how that panned out and later on I realized that I never saw it in him, I was forcing it. I realized recently that with him, I was always trying to do what I thought he would think is right, just like Kiran does with him. If I did things his way, he was happy, if I didn't... any way. The very first time I truly saw a glimpse of Ray was in Karan. Then I saw it in Elliot when we were in Cabo. And then I saw it in you."

"How so?"

"When I met Karan again during Rania's wedding, it was in the way he was around me. I just saw him differently, even before the whole reporter thing. The way he says bachay, he's calling me his kid it instantly made me believe he was on my side, like my cheerleader and that's what Ray did. He was always encouraging me. With Elliot, it was mostly his physical attributes. The blond hair and the blue eyes but also, his goofiness and voice. Ray wasn't always goofy but he had his moments. And with you, it's how you love me and want to protect me from the world. Just like Ray did when he came to Vegas. He dropped everything for me." She wipes her tears and takes a deep steadying breath.

I pick up her hand and kiss her knuckles, one by one. "You mean the world to me Ana."

---

Authors Note: Who's ready for a time jump and some drama? As always thank you SO MUCH for taking the time out to read and leave reviews. Reds77 I wish you had an account would love to talk more over PM.

gowildcats: I LOVE LMFAO too. wiggle wiggle wiggle, LOL

Pinterest: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - Chapter 66

Music:

Olsen Olsen – Sigur Ros

Unfold – The xx

Darling, Je Vous Aime Beaucomp – Natalie Cole