March was shaping up to be no warmer than February had been, I thought as I shivered. The denim jacket didn't offer much in terms of heat, but it was the nicest thing that I owned that could still be deemed 'casual'. High-waisted black leggings and a long sweater made up the rest of my outfit. After some consideration, I'd decided to put on some make-up - but not too much. As I'd applied my mascara I tried to convince myself that it didn't mean anything. But my heart was lodged somewhere in my throat, and I had to fight the urge to chew on my nails, betraying my anxiety.

Five minutes. Okay.

I was standing outside a corner shop in Knothole, near the bus-stop. I slipped my earbuds in and put on some music, trying to distract myself with the playlist Cosmo had made me a few weeks ago. I tried to lose myself in the sound of Florence Welch's voice, but I felt like everyone who walked past me on the footpath was staring at me, their eyebrows raised knowingly. I knew what I must have looked like, checking my phone every few seconds and bouncing on the balls of my feet - I looked like I was about to go on a date.

I didn't even know if I could really deny it. Elias had suggested that we meet at a coffee shop in town. I'd Googled it to make sure it wasn't the place that Sally and Sonic had gone and saw that a single coffee cost almost as much as a full meal did at Deja Brew. It was all gourmet French cakes and extravagant hot chocolates with shots of various syrups. It didn't exactly scream 'casual'.

Did I want it to be casual?

I didn't even like him like that.

"Amy? Hey!"

I jumped - the voice had come from behind me, taking me by surprise. The ground seemed to slip out from underneath my feet as I came face to face with Manic and Sonic.

"H-hey!" I squeaked. "Fancy seeing you here!"

Manic grinned easily at me, looking particularly dangerous today with his red eyeshadow and thick black kohl. My eyes flickered over to Sonic - standing there in his soft grey t-shirt and black jeans. His hair was perfectly mussed, his eyes were like chips of sour-apple candy, and my chest ached just from looking at him. Since we didn't have school on Monday and I'd been having lunch at Deja Brew with the girls most days, I had only really seen him during Thursday's history class. He hadn't been unfriendly per say, just distracted, drumming his pen lightly on his notebook. Probably thinking about Sally.

"Hey Amy," he mumbled. His eyes didn't quite meet mine when he spoke, but he smiled at me and a little light came into this miserable March day.

"Hi!" I said again, trying to sound casual in spite of my racing heartbeat. He's dating Sally, he's just your friend, if you want to keep him in your life you need to get over this. "How are you?"

"Good. You?"

"Good!"

A moment's silence. Manic's eyes shifted back and forth between us, "I'm just going to … get some snacks …"

He darted into the newsagents, leaving Sonic and I together. He shifted on his feet, nearly bumping into a middle-aged fox pushing a baby-buggy. He stepped forwards and ended up a hair's breadth away from me. I felt my breath hitch in my throat, and shrugged to cover it with a cough. He smelled different - mint and eucalyptus rather than the usual citrus scent of his shower gel. Am I really so far gone that I'm noticing what kind of shower gel he's switched to? That was disturbing.

Sonic smiled at the woman and gestured to the now-empty pavement. When she still struggled to push the buggy, he offered to help carry her shopping bags to her car.

"And they say chivalry is dead," I teased when he came back.

"Not as long as I'm around," Sonic promised. "My mom and Sonia have made sure of that."

"Trust you to set the feminist movement back fifty years."

"Nah, the way I see it, I'm just using my male privilege for the greater good."

"Ah, so you carry things for women because it's woke."

"Listen, taking advantage of my superior upper body strength to help women out with their books and their bags is really the least I can do for you all, considering all of the shit the patriarchy puts you though."

"Oh so you're just being a good feminist ally."

"Exactly," he grinned. "Someone gets it!"

Why couldn't it always be this easy between us? Once we actually talked to each other it was effortless, so why were things so strained at school? Was it just that we were being overly-cautious after the heated emotions of our conversation at the dance? Was it my fault for getting too caught up in my crush - only a crush, only a crush, only a crush I repeated like a mantra, pushing the bubbling emotions further and further down - and my jealousy over Sally to try and talk to him properly? I'd been ignoring him this time. I remembered how awful it felt to be on the other side of that - even though he'd apologised, my stomach lurched when I thought about it for more than five seconds.

I wasn't going to do that to him. I'd told the girls that we should try to be nice to Sally, yet I hadn't exactly rolled out the Welcome Wagon myself. If Sonic was with her, she clearly made him happy.

He was my friend. I should be happy for him.

"So what brings you to Knothole?" I asked, trying to keep my tone light though my heart throbbed. I already had a smile in place for when he told me what he and Sally had planned -

"Oh - uh, Manic and I just went to the gym."

Something fluttered in my chest. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. They've got great facilities here - really good track, state-of-the-art treadmills - " he waffled on about the different features for a few minutes. I tried to focus on what he was saying, making committal interested sounds, but all I could think about was the curve of his mouth, the hard line of his jaw, the way he absent-mindedly ran a hand through his quills, totally oblivious of the fact that every single thing about him made me want to scream because it made it so hard to just think of him platonically and he had a girlfriend and-

"You should check it out," he said. "Are you - uh - have you been running lately?

"Sometimes," I said, not dishonestly. I woke up during the half-light on the weekends and jogged up and down our road for half an hour or so while everyone else was still asleep. I just hadn't had the confidence to go out on the school track by myself. The thought of working out in a gym in front of muscle-men and pretty girls in lycra leggings nearly made me want to throw up. "I've kind of gotten out of the habit."

"Right," Sonic swallowed. He paused for a second and when he spoke he did so slowly, carefully; "You know - there are spots open the team. I can't promise - but we have loads of events coming up ... I can't guarantee anything, but if you wanted to try out … I could help-"

"Amy!"

A jolt of electricity ran through me. I whipped my head around and there was Elias Acorn, buttoned up in his pea-coat and his black skinny jeans that didn't have a single crease. He looked better than he had at the dance, but only marginally. His hair was tousled by the wind, and his eyes weren't bleary from alcohol and unshed tears, but they were still lined by dark shadows which betrayed the fact that he hadn't been sleeping. Or that he'd fallen asleep without taking off mascara - I'd been there.

"Elias - "

The instant our eyes met I was transported back to the cold bench outside the school dance. Shame swallowed me up like a hole in the ground and I had to look away. Sonic's eyes flickered back and forth between the two of us, but he didn't speak.

"Hey Sonic!" Elias raised his hand in a half-greeting, but his voice betrayed the fact that he hadn't expected to see him here. "Good to see you!"

"Yeah, you too." Sonic replied, but he sounded distracted. I glanced up at him, saw his eyes flicker back and forth between the two of us. I didn't know what to say, how to explain myself. Sally had made a comment about me and Elias at the dance … Sonic's brother was friends with Elias and, presumably, his ex-girlfriend Megan … was that why things had been strained between the two of us lately? Did he think I was the reason why they broke up? Did Sally think that? I was once again reminded of the fact that Station Square was a small town where everybody knew each other, and everybody had some kind of stake or opinion in the personal lives of other people. Sonic had probably met Megan. Sally definitely had. Their paths must have crossed in middle-school and before Megan dropped out of SSH. They'd probably been at the same school dances, the same parties -

I'm such an idiot.

What was I? The girl who moved here from the big-city. The outsider. The girl who had broken up this deeply romantic Romeo and Juliet story - or at least, that's how it must have appeared.

"I'd better go," Sonic said. His mouth was set into a firm line.

"Cool. See you around,"

"Yeah." Sonic nodded jerkily. "See you in school, Amy."

"See you," I echoed.

He took a few steps towards the shop that Manic had gone in to before turning back to look at me. He had an odd smile on his face - the slightest upward slant of an otherwise straight lip. Something between a smile and a frown. His green eyes betrayed nothing.

"Have a good time, yeah?"

And with that he disappeared through the door. I blinked hard and turned back to Elias. He offered me his own crooked smile, and spoke in a tone that also offered me no insight into what he was really thinking or feeling.

"Ready to go?"

—

The little coffee shop was all black polished tables and ornate lamps. It had cream-coloured vintage wallpaper and herringbone flooring. There was a huge glass display filled with luxurious cakes and a huge black chalkboard listed the various drinks that were available - there were at least a dozen varieties of hot chocolate, and twice as many coffees with names I couldn't pronounce. The wait-staff were all dressed in pristine black uniforms and some instrumental jazz music played in the background.

"What do you want?"

We hadn't spoken during the entire walk. His strides were longer than mine, so I lagged behind, my heart beating in time with every step - thump thump thump. It was weird being around him. He clearly felt the same way about being around me. In spite of his polite smile and friendly tone, there was something holding him back. Could he look at me without thinking about that night? Maybe it was my fault - if I hadn't ignored him for so long afterwards, things might be a little more normal between us now -

"Amy?"

"Oh," I frantically tried to remember how much money I had in my purse. "I don't-"

"I know just the thing,"

Elias joined the queue and began talking to one of the girls working behind the counter. I saw her take him in - the tousled hair, the half-smile, the air of confidence that came with having money - and flutter her eyelashes. He said something and she collapsed into a fit of giggles, tossing her head back and sticking her chest out. Once upon a time I would have rolled my eyes, but I knew that Elias wasn't trying to flirt. He wouldn't do that in front of me - the underclassman he'd nearly kissed at a school-dance. He certainly wouldn't do it when he was still in love with Megan.

"There you are," he said, setting a plate down in front of me. It was a huge square-shaped pink gateaux, adorned with rich buttercream, desiccated coconut, and chopped strawberries. There was also a hot-chocolate in a delicate white glass. I took a sip and almost shivered - it was divine.

"They make it with real cream and chocolate," Elias said. "It's really good."

"It is," I echoed. "I can - I can pay you back sometime, I - "

"Like I said Amy, my treat."

The pretty barista brought over his food - a buttery croissant and a cup of coffee that smelled rich and dark. There were little containers of sugar, chocolate powder, spices, butter, and five types of jam on the table and he busied himself with buttering his croissant. The barista hovered at the table for a second, staring at me with naked envy. I imagined everyone's eyes on us, seeing us as some young couple out on a date, me in the role of the pampered teenage girl whose boyfriend brought her over her gourmet cream cake that had cost almost a third of my family's grocery budget. I awkwardly slurped my drink, set it down too hard on the table and winced at the sound. In my embarrassment I knocked over my fork and nearly shrieked at Elias when he stooped down to get it for me, insisting that I do it myself. Hot-faced and anxious to get back to my seat, I hit my head on the table as I came back up. The barista was back behind the counter, smirking.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine," I muttered though I was decidedly not fine. His hand twitched like he was going to reach out for me but thought the better of it. We sat in silence for a few seconds as I rubbed my temple and tried to ignore the pain. He tore off a piece of his croissant and popped it into his mouth.

Great start, Amy.

The pain ebbed away. Looking for something else to do, I started eating my coconut cake. Objectively, I knew that it tasted amazing - the icing wasn't too sweet, the sponge was light, the strawberries complemented the coconut perfectly. But it felt like sawdust in my mouth. I forced it down and cleared my throat, "So - about the dance ... "

I didn't know how to finish my sentence. Elias' expression hardened. He took a long sip of his drink and set the cup down on the table before letting out a sigh.

"About the dance," he echoed. "Amy, I - "

"I'm sorry,"" I said quickly. "I shouldn't have - "

"No, I shouldn't have - "

"I'd been drinking and - "

I felt really bad about it right away. You know, I'm older than you, your mother works for my parents, I was worried that there might be some kind of … power imbalance that might put pressure on you. And I remembered what happened with those guys at the New Year's party, so when you didn't answer my messages I was really scared that I'd done something that really hurt you."

"I wouldn't - I didn't tell anyone!"

"Fuck Amy, I didn't care about that part! I was scared because, well … I care about you. You're a cute kid."

"I am only two years younger than you."

"Exactly. You're the same age as my little sister. I guess … I kind of forgot that."

I focused my gaze on the vase of white roses in the corner. "You didn't do anything that made me feel like I was in any kind of danger. I'm sorry for making you feel like that … I know that I should have tried to talk to you sooner, but I just didn't know what to say. I thought that the whole thing was my fault, that you'd felt sorry for me because of the Sonic thing … and I guess that after that whole thing, it was nice to kind of feel wanted for a second. I mean, I knew it was fake - that you were just missing Megan - but that didn't really matter because, well - "

"You were missing Sonic," he finished with a smile.

"Exactly!" I said, relief washing over me. He understood.

Look, a lot of it was about missing Megan and you being the person who happened to be there. But I can't say that that was all it was. Like I said, you're cute. You're funny. You're really really genuinely kind, which is honestly pretty rare. And about Sonic … I mean, I can't really - he's dating my sister, you know? She's liked him for a while - "

"Don't," I interrupted. "I get it. Don't worry."

He nodded and tore off another piece of his croissant. "I was a little worried that … you might have gotten the wrong - "

"You think you're so irresistable," I sighed, shaking my head mockingly. "But don't worry - you're not my type."

"Ouch," he said, putting his hand over his heart. "Way to kick a man when he's down."

I felt a flicker of pity for him. "Have you talked to Megan?"

He shook his head. I opened my mouth but he cut me off. "I've tried. But … she's blocked me on everything. I thought about doing the dramatic rom-com thing - storming up to her house with a boombox and a bunch of flowers - but … it's a little …"

"Creepy?" I offered.

"Basically," he agreed. "Just - if she doesn't want to talk to me, that's probably something that I should respect, right?"

"I guess … it depends on what you've decided to do." I paused. "Have you?"

He shrugged his shoulders. I could tell that there was something else he wanted to say so I ate some cake to give him time. It tasted a lot better now.

"I know that what you said about Megan was true. I know that what you said about your own upbringing was true. I literally only care about the business and the money because of what it could give Megan and the baby. Apart from that, it's meaningless. I just - I don't know. I've always tried to rebel but … I never really saw my life diverging from the plan that my parents had for me. My parents didn't even care that much about the drinking and the parties, or the girls that I used to mess around with - not that my dad would have any kind of high ground there - "'

"Huh?"

"Oh yeah. Believe me, if Megan was just a casual hookup they wouldn't care about me seeing her. I doubt they'd care that much if I was seeing her and I was married to someone else, as long as that someone came from the right kind of family and would turn a blind eye like my mother has."

He spoke frankly, almost casually. I wasn't scandalised by the candid confession - But for some reason, the information gnawed at my brain … it reminded me of something …

"The problem is that I love her. The problem is that I want us to raise the baby together. The problem is that, ever since I've started dating Megan, I've had an actual reason to rebel. I see another way of living, and they don't believe in it. Not for me."

Something occurred to me. "What does Sally think of all of this?"

"Sal? I … haven't really spoken to her about it."

"This seems to be a recurring theme in your life."

"It's not - I just haven't been at home." he said, a little defensively. I raised an eyebrow at him. He averted his eyes from me and drank some more coffee.

"We had a fight at the dance. After she, uh, saw the two of us …"

"Right," I muttered. A feeling of dread came over me. "She … likes Megan, doesn't she?"

Something flickered in his eyes. "She was upset about the fact that we'd broken up - she doesn't even know about the pregnancy - "

"So when she saw us at the dance, she thought that it was my fault." I finished. I should have been upset, but I'd already suspected that the reason why Sally had been behaving so strangely around me was because she blamed me for her brother's break-up. I hadn't exactly tried to talk to her at school, but we crossed paths in our classes and she seemed to pointedly avoid looking at me.

"She knows it's not your fault," Elias said automatically. "But … well, my parents aren't the only reason why I haven't been at home much. I just don't know how to tell her … she knows something is up, she's too smart not to and she knows me too well, but she doesn't know what. She's good at keeping up appearances, but the few times we've been alone - she just ignores me."

"That sounds really touch," I said. Guilt prickled at me again. "I'm really sorry that I ignored you, Elias."

"You had your reasons," he sighed. "So does Sally. And Megan." His eyes met mine, wide and pleading. "At least - we're cool, right?"

"Right," I agreed.

"Friends?"

"Friends," I echoed, grinning. His own mouth curled into a smile. "I don't know what I'm going to do, but … thanks for listening to me."

"Anytime," I said. "Seriously." I paused. "Do you - so, what are you going to do now? Where are you going to go?"

He shrugged. "I know some people who might let me crash on their sofa. Manic's out, what with Sonic and Sally - sorry -"

"It's okay," I lied. It's not okay.

"I have money. It's no real problem."

I nodded. "You know … I'd ask if you could stay with us. It's just weird with my mom working for your parents - and it might make things worse with Sally - "

"No Amy, seriously. You've done enough. I appreciate it, but I can take care of myself." he grinned. "You should finish your cake."

"I shouldn't have let you pay for it - "

"Consider it a thank-you. A mere token of my appreciation."

I rolled my eyes as I ate another forkful. I got the sense that Elias needed a distraction, so I asked him about the graphic novel he wanted to write. He seemed unaccustomed to talking about it, tripping over his words as he explained the magic system and the prophecies, but there was a flicker of some of the old spark in his eyes. He got out his phone and showed me some of his drawings. They were good.

"I really want to try and work with hand-painted backgrounds though. I'm much better at designing the characters than doing background work, or drawing scenery. I want this to look like a fantasy world, I want flowers and plants that reflect that."

"Flowers?" I smiled. "You know, I think that I might know someone who can help you with that …"

We talked for a little while longer and finished our food. Elias raked a hand through his hair, tousling it further in the process. Funny, the gesture looked so effortlessly attractive when Sonic did it … but now all I could notice was the way Elias' eyebrows were knotted together, and the way his hand shook when he picked up his cup and gulped down the end of his coffee. We stood up to leave and I caught a whiff of his cologne-tobacco-coffee scent, and I thought about how overpowering it was - unlike Sonic, who smelled of citrus, deodorant and fresh air. Our eyes met and all I could do was wish that I was looking into a pair of electric green ones.

I'd been ignoring Elias because I was confused. Did that make me a bad person? Of course, a very large part of me wanted to say yes, you are, you're so desperate that you manipulated him into giving you affection that you don't deserve, because you are this awful awful thing that destroys everything around you. But because of our conversation I was able to look at things objectively. I hadn't done anything wrong, apart from being tipsy and emotionally vulnerable. Apart from feeling lonely, and appreciating the attention of an attractive older guy. Elias and I, in a moment of weakness and desperation, had tried to find something in each other - and in a way we had, because this time we walked down the street together, talking about fantasy worldbuilding and fashion design. He brought me to a bookshop where he showed me the Neil Gaiman graphic-novels that had inspired him. We talked about the books we were reading for our English classes. We had a debate about Harry Potter. When we got to the bus-stop, he waited with me until my bus came and waved goodbye to me as it pulled away.

It was clear that we had found a really good friend in each other.

And friends did difficult things for each other …

She was sitting in the front row. Her hair was pulled up in a messy bun (though I'd never seen a messy bun that had been so meticulously arranged, every loose tendril a deliberate choice) so I had a clear view of the back of her neck. I stared at it until my vision blurred and I forgot what I was looking at. I was too busy thinking about what I was going to say. The bell rang. I followed her out of the classroom and called after her -

"Sally - can I talk to you for a second?"