"What is hell? I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love."
― Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
He was angry, frustrated, knowing that Emily put herself in harm's way. Now that she was pregnant, he hoped that she would take less risks, not more. Matt had texted him as they got on the plane, telling him about the situation with Emily and the unsub. He drove back to the office and paced around Penelope's office, muttering about risks and stupidity, angry that he couldn't tell her why he was so angry. Penelope tried to calm him down, but he stood on the mezzanine leaning on the railing grumbling.
And now, he was on his way home, still angry and frustrated, but he knew that Rossi was right. Both of them ran on passion and they could, and probably would, say something they regretted. His heart was still pounding as he took the long way home. He just wanted the best for Emily and his family.
He was a few blocks away when his phone rang and the car picked it up. Dave's voice filled the car. "Derek, I'm with Emily. She...she thinks that she might be miscarrying."
His heart stopped and he was thankful he wasn't on the freeway. Slowing he pulled into his empty driveway, his hands shaking. "She...she might be…"
"Derek, you need to get to the hospital. She's already called your OB, she'll meet you there. JJ is on the way to pick you up."
Turning off the engine, he exhaled loudly, waiting until he saw headlights in the rearview mirror. JJ hadn't even put the car into park when he jumped in. "We gotta go."
"I know." JJ said quietly, as she pulled out of the driveway and headed for the hospital. They were normally head to Walter Reed, but Rossi had sent directions to a private hospital that was far closer. He was silent, keenly aware of each turn that JJ made, and the soft gentle looks she was shooting his way.
"It could be nothing, Derek." She said quietly, placing a hand on his knee.
"She could also be miscarrying." He replied as JJ pulled up to the hospital and he ran out before it had even stopped. Rossi was standing in the hallway and he grabbed Derek by the shoulder and led him into the room where Emily was. He wasn't there for Joy's birth, but he had been there for James' and Carolyn's pregnancy and he knew how the younger man was feeling.
Emily was on the exam table, panic thinly veiled in her eyes, her skin covered in a thin sheen of sweat. He sat down beside her, taking her hand, covering it in kisses. "I'm sorry."
Shaking her head, Emily just closed her eyes and leaned back on the bed, the tears running silently down her face. A few moments later the door opened and Addison walked in, towing an ultrasound machine. Her smile was stiff and guarded, Derek's heart dropping even more.
The doctor worked methodically, carefully running the wand over Emily's still flat abdomen and a smile crossed her face. "There we go." She said quietly. "There's one heartbeat. And there's the other."
Derek released the breath he didn't even realise he was holding. "So they're okay? The babies and Emily?"
Smiling, she wiped off Emily's abdomen and nodded. "Totally 100% okay. Spotting happens in about 30% of pregnancies, even higher with multiples. But if you feel pain, or heavy bleeding call me again." She took off her gloves and tossed them in the bin. "Emily, your father and your...sister are waiting for you? Should I let them in?"
Emily's eyebrows knitted in confusion before smiling. "Oh...yeah...ummm...send them in." She tugged her shirt down and grinned as their friends walked in. "We're in the clear. False alarm. Apparently spotting is common."
Rossi stood off to the side, giving Derek and Emily a gentle smile. "So this is new."
Swinging her legs over the side, Emily nodded. "Yeah, I'm now eight weeks and a half weeks along. We weren't going to tell anyone until we passed the first trimester." She shrugged, her cheeks blushing a soft pink.
"Pregnancy looks good on you, Emily." Rossi said honestly. "You're glowing."
Derek wrapped his arm around his wife and pressed a kiss on the top of her head. "I'm just happy we're all good." He whispered. Turning to their friends, he gave them a small smile. "Sorry about...earlier. I…"
"Was scared." Rossi filled in. "I get it, but you grab Emily like that again, you son, you and I will have a meeting." Clasping Derek's hand in a firm handshake, Derek finally pulled away wincing slightly. The older man's eyes narrowed and bore into him. "Got it?"
Pulling his hand away, Derek nodded. "Yeah, got it." He muttered looking down at his wife who was smirking silently to her best friend. He looked at JJ. "Can you drive us home?" He asked, still slightly scared of Rossi and what he would do to him.
The blonde nodded. "Sure." She ran her fingers through her hair. "I am so glad that we're off tomorrow." She said leading the small crew out, Rossi breaking off to go to his own car.
"I have to finish some paperwork." Emily grumbled, settling in the back seat among the carseats. "But I'll do it at home."
JJ sent her a serious glance in the rearview mirror. "You better, Mama. You're growing a human now, you need to rest."
Emily grunted a non committal sound, but was quickly dozing against the window.
The blonde turned to Derek and gave him a long look. "She's going to need rest. I'm going to do my best at work, now Rossi that he knows, but you have to cover the home front, okay?"
"Matt too." Derek muttered with a shrug. "Figured I needed a man in the fight."
JJ stared at him and shook her head before continuing. "Alright, the three of us will do our best, but you know Emily. I'm not taking the fall because she goes...all Emily on us, okay?"
"Just do your best, okay?" He whispered softly.
"We will." JJ pulled into their driveway. "Alright, Mama we're here." She said reaching back and gently tapping Emily on the leg. Emily blinked and gave her friend a tired smile.
"Thanks Jayje." She unbuckled herself and climbed out. "I'll see you on Tuesday."
Nodding, JJ shot Derek a look as he climbed out. "Go to bed, Emily." She said gently. "Growing a human is hard work."
"You're not kidding." Emily leaned against Derek as they headed upstairs and she changed into an oversized shirt and was fast asleep before her head hit the pillow.
Derek sat beside her and watched her sleep, raking her fingers through her hair. "Goodnight, Mama." He whispered against her hair. "Sleep tight."
He awoke early and texted Mackenzie to see if she was up for a run. When he got the okay, he slipped on a pair of shorts and a tank top before leaving a note for Emily. The younger woman met him in the driveway and gave him a smile. Her hair was pulled up in a bun on the top of her head and was wearing a pair of running tights and a USMC tshirt.
They started jogging before picking up their pace.
"So, are you pregnant yet?" Derek asked as they hit mile one, turning to run along the walking path.
"Dunno." Mackenzie's steps were quicker, having to keep up with Derek's longer strides. "I've been on the USS Dwight Eisenhower and then I was in Pensacola for a JAGMAN investigation and subsequent court martial."
Derek shook his head. "I can't believe you haven't checked yet."
Mackenzie shrugged. "If I'm in town for longer than a day at time we will." She said as she gained speed. "Boobs don't hurt yet so I don't think so."
Laughing Derek gave her a smile. "I'm sure Taala told you that Emily is pregnant, right?"
Nodding, Mackenzie pulled ahead of Derek. "Yep. That's great. We're both happy for you guys."
Their conversation slowed as they focused on running. Derek was a good runner, but Mackenzie was far more competitive and even if Derek was better than her, she would win just based on sheer will. They finished, both panting and sweating in their driveways. Mackenzie wiped her face off with her shirt and she gave Derek a wave. "Taala is off today after her week on and I'm off today, you and Emily are welcome to come over for a meal if you want."
Derek nodded. "I'll ask Em." He said heading inside. The house was still silent and he made his way upstairs. His wife was still sleeping soundly and he gave her a gentle smile. Heading to the shower, he changed and headed downstairs, leaving Emily to sleep as long as she possibly could. It was well after 9am when she emerged from upstairs, eyes tired, face slightly flushed and hair pulled in a ponytail. She dropped on the couch and grabbed a blanket, pulling a blanket around her.
"How are you doing, Princess?"
Shrugging, Emily leaned against the couch. "I hate morning sickness." She mumbled. "And my boobs hurt. It hurts to put on a bra."
Unsure of how to answer, he pressed a kiss on the top of her head. "I can make you some ginger juice." He said softly. "I'm not sure about what to do about your boobs."
He went to the kitchen and made some fresh squeezed ginger juice, adding sparkling water and bringing it to Emily. She sipped it slowly and gave him a small smile. "I am so glad that we're off today." She said wearily. Sitting on the edge of the couch, he watched her carefully.
"Has it been like this the whole time?"
Shrugging, Emily sipped the drink and avoided his gaze.
"EMILY! You should've told me!"
"What could you do, Derek?" She asked, her voice tired. "There's nothing that you could've done or can do. It's part of pregnancy. Morning sickness, breast tenderness...it's textbook pregnancy symptoms."
Sighing, Derek wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly against him. "I just wish you didn't feel this terrible."
Her laughter, soft and gentle, filled the room and she leaned against him. "You know, labour is going to be 1000 ties worse than this, right?"
"Well, it won't be that bad." Derek said with a shrug. "You plan on using the drugs, right?"
Emily sipped her drink silently before looking up at Derek. "Epidural. And I was thinking...I want to be present for the birth of our babies, Derek. I don't want to be drugged up or numb."
Stopping, Derek turned so he could see her face. "I respect your choices...but...Princess, BABIES coming out of your vagina. Are you sure you don't want to consider the epidural?"
"We have lots of time to research, but right now I want to do things as naturally as possible."
Pressing a kiss on the top of her head, he tightened his grip around her. "Never took you for a hippie." He teased, lacing their fingers together.
Emily wiggled and adjusted his grip on her so he wasn't touching her breasts. "Shut up." She laughed softly.
He smiled and kissed her temple. "I went for a run with Mackenzie and she invited us over today."
Nodding, Emily tugged his hands lower, resting them on her abdomen. "Okay. Maybe later. I'm still tired and emotionally drained from the past couple of days."
He loosed his grip, just draping an arm around her and grabbed the remote, passing it to her. "Whatever you want, baby mama."
Looking up at him, Emily made a face. "Do you want me to call you baby daddy?" She retorted her eyebrows rising.
"Okay okay, no baby mama." He laughed and shook his head.
"And I'm not just your baby mama." Emily retorted. "I'm your wife and the love of your life."
A look crossed his face and he nuzzled his face into her hair. "You're right. You're the love of my life and my beautiful wonderful amazing wife."
She grinned up at him and sipped her drink, turning on the Amazing Race.
By mid afternoon Emily was feeling better and headed upstairs to shower and get dressed. Derek found her standing in front of the mirror, naked and staring at her reflection.
"You're beautiful."
She rolled her eyes and gently pressed her hands over her abdomen. "Thanks, but I was looking to see if there was any change. Maybe it's a bit...firmer?"
"Your boobs are bigger."
Emily sighed and nodded. "Yeah, I know. I'm gonna have to get some new bras right away. Just the first of many things I'll have to buy."
"And you'll look beautiful in all of them." Kneeling down, Derek pressed a few soft kisses on her abdomen. "You're growing our little babies in there."
Laughing, Emily gently scratched at his scalp as he pressed kisses along her belly. "You are such a nerd."
He got to his feet and wrapped his arms around her. "I love you too, Princess."
Wincing, Emily slid his hands down lower and met his gaze in the mirror. "I told you, my boobs are killing me. So right now you can look but don't touch."
Derek nodded and pressed a kiss to her shoulder. "Alright, now let's get dressed. I want to talk to Mackenzie about some baby stuff."