A/N: Before we get into this chapter, I feel I owe you all an apology for how long these recent chapters have taken to come out. Yes, I know I already said that there was lot of stuff going on in my life involving moving back onto campus for college and all that and that I have said I'm not sticking to a concrete upload schedule, but I still think you all deserve an apology nonetheless.
While there's no excuse that I can give for my recent lack of motivation involving this story, I do want to say that the times that I am working on chapters, I'm doing my best to make sure they're at the standard I want them to be at, especially making sure to take the advice of the guest review I addressed back in Chapter 26 about putting more emphasis on Alan and Niko's relationship and putting events that have already happened as one-paragraph summaries as well as creating more original interactions between characters so that I don't use the base dialogue as a crutch.
With that said, I'm thankful to those who have still stuck to this story and have left reviews, which are always appreciated whether they're constructive or simply to express your enjoyment.

Now with that out the way, enjoy!

(Edit 8/6/2020: Thank you to Sput for pointing out some misspells of Alula's name. I greatly appreciate it!)

Chapter 31 - The Weight of Regret

"[WE HAVE ARRIVED AT THE GLEN.]"

The rowbot's voice roused me from my sleep just as the boat slowed to a stop. The calming jade glow of the fireflies surrounding us would have made it difficult to stay awake, had it not been for the stirring of Niko in my arms.

I smiled and gave her a small nudge, "Niko, we're here."

She simply responded by burying her face into my chest and latching onto me.

"Niko…"

"Just five more minutes…"

"You've been sleeping the entire boat ride."

"I can't help that you're really warm!"

The rowbot simply watched us as I sheepishly smiled up at him. Oh boy, here we go again…

"Niko, we can't stay in the boat for long."

Her grip tightened as she mumbled something that I didn't quite hear. I sighed, "Fine. Looks like I'm doing this the hard way." I grabbed the lightbulb and nestled it into my arm, making sure it was secure before turning my attention to the cat child currently buried in my chest. Taking a moment to get my legs under me, as well as placing an arm underneath Niko for support. I counted down in my head before springing up onto my feet. I heard a gasp come from her as I hopped up onto the dock and turned back to the rowbot.

"Sorry about that. You should be good now," I said.

It nodded, "[THERE SHOULD BE A VILLAGE TO THE NORTH, BUT THAT'S ALL I CAN RECALL.]"

"Thank you!" Niko said, finally pulling her face out of my shirt.

It nodded again before saying its farewell and pulling away from the dock. We watched as the boat slipped back into the darkness before I turned to look at Niko with a raised eyebrow, "So, how long do you plan on holding onto me?"

"Maybe just a little bit longer…" she said with a sly grin, "Plus you already went to all the trouble of getting me out of the boat. I wouldn't want you to spend time putting me down!"

"Oh, how kind of you," I replied sarcastically, "You're lucky I like you so much, otherwise I might have just left you in the boat."

She giggled as I began to make my way into the building in front of us before she frowned, "You wouldn't actually do that, would you?"

I smiled warmly down at her and held her tighter, "'Course not. You're far too important to leave behind."

Her smile returned as she rested her head on my chest again as I walked up the stairs and out into the Glen. The fireflies danced in the air above the trees as Niko and I gazed out across the region. I could see the Refuge off in the distance with the Tower sitting in the middle of the city. A chill went down my spine just looking at it. All it did was serve as a reminder of what I had done.

"Alan? You okay?"

Niko's voice jolted me out of my reverie. I saw her staring at me with a worried expression, one I was all too familiar with.

I nodded, "Yeah, sorry. Just kinda zoned out there." I started making my way off the roof, "C'mon, we should see where we're going from here."

Niko hopped out of my arms once we officially entered the Glen, taking the sun from me as well. Just like in the Barrens, it was easy to retrace our steps. Niko spent time exploring the village and the neighboring plains and talking to the people we met along the way like the shepherd and the trader. Going south from the village brought us to the research station, where I made sure to grab another water sample from one of the robots, which only served to painfully remind me of what was to come.

Walking back into the swamp plains, I heard a voice cry out from nearby.

"Alula? Alula! Where'd you go?!"

I stopped in my tracks once I caught sight of the red poncho that swayed from the boy's erratic pacing.

Calamus. Alive and well.

I should have been happy to see him again, but just like with Silver, a cold feeling settled itself in the pit of my stomach. All I could hear in my mind was the crashing of glass while Calamus noticed us and quickly raced towards me and Niko.

"Hey! You two! Have either of you seen a little girl?"

"What does she look like?" Niko asked.

"Well, she's a bit shorter than you, and-" his eyes landed on the lightbulb, "Wait, that's...the sun." He stared at Niko in reverence, "Are you our savior?"

"I...yeah?"

"Oh my stars! Sorry for my rudeness!"

She shook her head, "It's alright. Are you looking for someone?"

"My little sister...She's been gone for three days now and I've been looking all over for-" his eyes met mine, causing him to stop, "Um...are you...feeling okay?"

"Huh?" I replied blankly.

"You...look rather pale, like you've seen a ghost..."

I finally snapped out of my trance, rubbing my neck, "Oh, s-sorry. I didn't mean to...act like that…I just have a lot on my mind. You said your little sister was missing?" I said, desperate to deflect the conversation away from me.

Calamus returned to describing Alula and the last place he saw her to us, but my mind was still stuck in overdrive. Like I've seen a ghost...I would laugh, but it felt like I was being shot through the heart.

I killed them...I let them all down and they don't even know.

I tuned back into the conversation just as it was wrapping up with Niko reassuring him that we would bring Alula to him if we found her and together we headed towards the ruins. My mind still lingered on the encounter until I heard Niko speak up next to me.

"Hey, Alan? Are you feeling alright?"

I looked down at her, "I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

"Well...you seemed really bothered by something back there…" she said, shuffling around the lightbulb in her arms while I remained silent, "Do...Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm fine, really," I said, forcing a smile, "You don't need to worry about me. Let's just keep an eye out for Alula, alright?"

She looked unconvinced and looked like she wanted to say more, but I had already moved further ahead into the ruins. All that did was make the guilt I was feeling even worse. I didn't want to lie to her. I hated it. I hated myself for acting like everything was okay, but the less she knew about the truth of this world, of me and what I've done, the better.

Silence filled the ruins as we ventured deeper, following the trail of vines that lined the floor, leading us to the cove and the home of their caretaker. Stepping onto the grass sent shivers down my spine, slowly becoming worse and worse as we drew closer to the vine's origin. Turning the last corner allowed the lightbulb's shine to illuminate the rest of the cove and there, sitting among the vines and flowers, was Maize.

Her head tilted up towards us, her blonde hair swaying slightly from the movement, "...S...savior…and...Alan, too? I can't believe it...You're both real..."

"...Miss? Are you...alright?" Niko asked, receiving only silence, "We...We should get you to the village! Maybe they could-"

I placed a hand on Niko's shoulder. She looked up at me, silently pleading for me to do something, anything that could help her, but there wasn't. Seeing Niko's eyes full of hurt and sadness came close to tearing me apart, but I held strong and did the only thing I knew I could do.

I took the lightbulb out of her hands and made my way over to Maize's side. Silently, I placed the sun in her lap and watched as she gently wrapped her arms around it, taking in its warmth.

"...warm...It's so warm…" A small smile appeared on her face, "Thank you...Th...the vines should be gone now…"

The eye unhidden by her hair opened, showing her emerald green irises as a storm raged inside me. Her sacrifice in the original run had been nothing. Thanks to my actions, the seed that Niko and I had planted in the Refuge had died along with the world, yet here I was again, aching for there to be some way to save Maize. My eyes drifted to the lightbulb in her hands as the shattering of glass echoed in my mind. It was then that I realized, much like Silver, Maize had been alone when she left behind the kernel.

Maybe there wasn't a way to save her, but I could do the next best thing.

I sat down beside her and returned her gaze, "Would it...be okay if I stayed here? Until the time comes for you to…?"

Her eyes widened slightly, awestruck by my request before her smile returned and nodding, her eyes closing as she relaxed against my shoulder. I glanced over at Niko. Her eyes had darkened as they darted between me and Maize. I watched as she took a deep breath and walked over to my side and sitting next to me. Her eyes met mine, the silence meaning more than words could say. I was reminded of just how strong she was, how she was willing to be strong in the face of this world's sorrow. Even now, despite the tears that slid down her cheeks.

I wrapped my arm around her and together, we stayed with Maize, giving her comfort during her final moments.

As we sat in silence, I found my thoughts drifting, eager to compound the guilt that had grabbed hold of me ever since we ran into Calamus again. This whole run felt like I was wandering through a graveyard that had come back to life, waiting and watching to see if I would doom them all again. If only that choice wasn't there in the first place…

Return the sun, but lose Niko...or shatter it and watch the world die.

Why had I been allowed to come back? Was it really something The Author had done? What did it mean for us if I was able to come back, to do this all again? What did that mean for Niko? I felt my hold around her tighten as my mind played back our separation that should have sent her home. She should be home. So, why...why was I forced to bring her back here? I wanted her to be happy, not to see her burdened by this cursed journey, forced to do it over and over again with no way to escape it.

I was broken from my thoughts when I noticed small balls of light surround Maize, enveloping her as she began to sink into the soil. She smiled one last time, opening her eyes to look at us before she finally melded into the ground. The leaves atop her head were picked up a small breeze as they twisted and danced into the air. Before long, the only trace of Maize was the kernel, the seed that would regrow her and continue to protect the Glen.

I stared down at it in silence while I began to hear sniffles coming from Niko. Looking over at her, more tears had started to fall and I could see she was trying her best to stay in control. Her eyes met mine again before she threw herself into my embrace, muffling the sobs that escaped from her lips. I hugged her close to me, wanting so badly to take away her pain.

"I'm sorry, Niko…" I whispered into her ear as I gently rubbed her back.

"Was…" she hiccuped, "Was there really nothing we could do...?"

"I think just being here with her was all we could do…"

She fell silent as her sniffles continued. I kept her close, allowing her to release her emotions while acting as the rock that she needed right now. Soon, her sniffles died down, but she didn't release her grip around me.

"Back in my village…" she said quietly after a moment of silence, "I remember one day when a bird had accidentally flown into our window. My mama and I brought it inside to try and help it, but…" she hiccuped, "...Mama said that it was hurt too much for us to be able to fix it."

"...What happened to the bird?"

"Mama carried it into the backyard and told me she buried it, saying it was in a better place now that it...wasn't hurting anymore..." she mewled.

I looked down at Niko with sympathy, "Sometimes, that's all we can do…"

Niko fell silent, still clinging to me, but not before a thought came to my mind.

"You know, there's a story I remember hearing once...about how those who pass on…" I said. Niko leaned out of my chest and looked up at me, curious to see what I was talking about. I kept going, "When a person or animal passes away, instead of moving on to the next life, their souls soar into the sky and create a star, one that shines brightly in the night sky; ones that I'm sure you're familiar with. That way, those that they leave behind can look up and know that, though they may be gone, they are still with them, no matter how far apart they are."

Niko looked at me in wonder, the tears slowly vanishing from her eyes, "Really?"

I nodded and picked up the kernel, "Even though she gave us a way to bring her back, I'd like to believe that story is true, even in this world; that she'll have her own star in the sky when we bring back the sun."

Niko finally smiled, "...I like that story."

I smiled back before it went away, looking at her with a doleful gaze, "I know you didn't have to be here for what happened…"

She shook her head, "It was the right thing to do, even if it hurt a lot to see…"

"...You're a strong kid, you know that?" I smiled at her sadly.

"It helps that you're here with me."

I let out a soft laugh, pulling her back into my embrace. It was moments like these that made me happy that Niko was here with me. That helped remind me just how special she had become to me. Only to remember how much I was keeping hidden from her. My contentment quickly fizzled away as that thought struck me, sending another shiver down my spine.

Niko leaned out of my embrace, forcing me to bury my regret and act like I normally did. I stood up, making sure the kernel was secure in my pocket. Even with the choice I would have to make at the Tower, it didn't feel right to just forget about it and not plant it. Niko picked up the lightbulb from the ground while I took one last look back at Maize's final resting place. Once Niko was ready, we headed back into the ruins together, all while I carried my heartache with me, steeling myself for the soon-to-come reunions that would threaten to break me apart.