Part 4

Chapter 1: The White Tent

Gailien wakes long before her eyes open but it feels like melted gold has been poured over them and solidified them shut. Every breath is a slow release of pain, flaring in both her chest and throat. She can hear the mumble of people, around her in all directions.

At first, nothing is on her mind except for herself: what she hears, smells, feels. She feels every spot the blanket over her touches, and what muscles hurt when she even shifts her weight in the cot. She can hear feet shuffling around her head, people's words turning they a muffled echo as it travels from her ears to her mind. And she smells an assortment of things. Blood, herbs, alcohol.

Her mind flutters between awake and asleep but her eyes remain closed. It is hard to even tell when she has fallen back into slumber, only able to sense any difference when she has foreign hands on her, touching and prodding. They're an annoyance at most, but each time they come, her pain lessens for an unknown amount of time. But then other times they don't even prod her, they just touch her – her arm, her head her leg. At first, she hated them, wanting nothing more than to shake the extra weight but soon it becomes a comfort – it must be somebody that she knows.

As her eyes finally open, she isn't greeted with strangers standing over her. She lies in a cot in a large white tent. Or she guesses that it is larger than it looks as a white sheet hangs about two meters in front of her, blocking her sight from the rest of it. And there, sitting on a small wooden chair is Bilbo Baggins, reading quietly to himself. A small leather-bound book perched on his crossed knee. Gailien smiles softly, recognising it as the book the Ori has been documenting their travels in.

Underneath them, the ground is still grass and Gailien realises that there is no way she is in Erebor. But that is no matter – if Bilbo is here then the Dwarves are at least nearby. The Dwarves…. Gailien's eyes close again as she remembers how she saw Kili's chest cave as he looked to Tauriel's body. Opening them, she looks back over to Bilbo.

"B…Bilbo?"

The top of Bilbo's book drops down onto his leg, his neck and head perking up over it. His open mouth turns into a warm smile as he sees Gailien's open eyes, fluttering around. Shutting his book, he places it on the seat and shuffles over to her cot. "I'm glad to see you awake," he greets.

"I'm glad to be it," she croaks out, her throat burning. Wincing, she raises a hand to it, barely touching the skin before it sends a jolt of pain through her. Bilbo softly guides her hand away.

"It's bruised pretty bad," he explains. "They said you probably shouldn't talk too much."

"They?"

"The Elves," Bilbo answers, throwing a look over his shoulder. "Legolas brought you down from Ravenhill about a week ago. You were in pretty bad shape and I think we did lose you for a moment, but the Elves have some pretty awesome healing skills," he adds, throwing in a small laugh in wonder.

Gailien nods, frowning slightly. She had fully expected to not wake up again, it almost feels wrong. It is wrong. She shouldn't be alive right now. Tauriel doesn't deserve the way her life ended – she didn't make the choice. But Gailien had, and yet it was taken away from her. Gailien chose to go to battle knowing that she was going to die and yet she didn't. How is that fair?

"I shouldn't be here," she whispers. Her head starts swivelling around, as though trying to find any cracks in the world to show her that it is not reality.

Bilbo's mouth opens and closes a few times, trying to find something to say. "We're near Dale," he says carefully, assuming that is the problem. "Thranduil has a camp set up to help the wounded and the rest of Dale. The Dwarves are allowed down here, Kili comes all the time, and Thorin does when he can. I-I'm sure once you can walk, we can go back up to Erebor."

"Kili?"

Bilbo is flabbergasted, but nods. "Yes. We usually take turns staying down here with you. I can go get him if you-"

"No."

Bilbo shifts on his feet, sensing the tense room grow thick. "Uh, ok," he agrees.

Both of them are silent for a minute as Gailien lies on her back, her head on its side, sinking into the small pillow. "Fili?" she asks.

"Fili's fine," Bilbo answers.

"Not that I don't like your company, but I really want to talk to him," she says, her throat blazing. Bilbo sucks his lips, eyes flickering about and Gailien doesn't miss it. "What is it?"

Bilbo sighs, knowing that there is no avoiding it. "Fili…refuses to come see you," he says slowly, wincing as Gailien's eyes widen. "He's not handling himself well at the moment, barely ever leaves Thorin's side and helps him start running things."

Gailien's lips part slightly, tears stinging in her eyes. He refuses to see her? "Is he alright?" she peppers. "Di-did I do something or…or is something else wrong?"

"No…" Bilbo looks around, feeling uncomfortable speaking about it. "He feels guilty, like – can't sleep and barely eating guilty. I'll tell him you asked for him and try and convince him to come down, but even Kili couldn't talk him into it."

A single tear escapes her eye, travelling sideways down her face, creating a small dark patch in the pillow. "I don't blame him for anything," she sniffles. "Not one bit." But she understands how he feels; her own stomach-churning even at the sound of Kili or Tauriel's name playing over in her mind. "I just want to see him."

"I'll try," Bilbo says softly, looking down at the woman. "I think Thorin is coming down later this evening but Kili will probably be down here in an hour or so."

Gailien swallows thickly, her eyes drifting down. "Can you…can you tell Kili that it's fine not to come down," she says, trying not to sound rude or like she is throwing demands.

Bilbo scratches his head, biting his bottom lip. "I can, uh, try but I'm not sure he'll listen once he knows you're awake. Is there a reason you don't want to see him?" Gailien looks down at the blanket pulled mid-way to her chest, seeing spots of blood on a new blouse, a bandage poking out from underneath it. "He likes coming down," Bilbo adds, thinking that maybe she feels guilty for dragging him away from Erebor. "Thorin doesn't mind him."

"I don't think I can look at him, Bilbo," she confesses, looking into the Hobbit's eyes, shaking her head slightly. "I made a promise to him and I broke it. And…I can't help feel that I swapped lives with Tauriel – that I lived because she died. I was supposed to die, Bilbo. I saw it. I know that they didn't know each other long but I could see in his eyes that he longed for her. And I've taken that away from him." Tears flood her eyes, tricking down each side of her face as she looks back up at the roof of the tent. "Kili is one of the most important people to me and I can't even bear to think that I might have taken away someone that meant something to him. I would trade our lives if I could."

Bilbo nods slowly, looking down at his feet. He never met Tauriel, but she must have made an impression on both Kili and Gailien for her to be reacting as such. "I can't speak for him and I won't lie, he's been mopey. But I think you being alive means a lot more to him than someone he met once, however much he took to her."

Gailien doesn't know how to respond – mostly because she doesn't know how to feel. But the guilt doesn't lessen, only worsening as she speaks out her mind.

"Maybe you can relate to how Fili feels," Bilbo suggests with a pointed look. Gailien knows he is right – and she will be speaking to Fili as soon as she lays eyes on him. Or rather, just hugging him until his face is red. But Kili's smile – the one he gave her when she mentioned Tauriel back in Erebor. It makes her heart ache.

"Is everyone else alright?" she asks, changing the subject. Bilbo sighs, the conversation seems to roll down a steep hill.

"Bofur didn't make it," he answers quietly with closed eyes and a downwards tilted head. Gailien's jaw slowly drops open. "He was killed by one of the trolls near the bottom of Ravenhill. But the rest of the company are fine. Fili and Thorin are the only ones really injured – and ironically, they are the ones walking around the most." He shakes his head in disapproval, trying to keep his voice set. Fili really shouldn't be walking, but both he and his uncle use a staff as a crutch, sitting down when they can. He gestures over his shoulder, breaking the tension that is growing once again. "I'm going to let them know you're awake."

"Thank you," she whispers, but Bilbo doesn't hear it, already moving out of the tent. She closes her eyes again, the white tent almost too bright for her tired eyes. She doesn't know how she is going to handle it. She almost had utter acceptance of her own death; knowing that she fought to her last breath. But now… but now she hasn't, and someone has died because of it.

Then there is Fili. All she wants to do is hug him, tell him that it is ok. That she knew it was coming, even if she didn't know how. Gailien can barely wait for Thorin to come back down, her heart singing to see him again.

Two Elvish healers come in shortly after Bilbo's leave, checking her over and replacing the bandage. They also bring her a smooth broth, feeding it to her slowly. They allow her to sit up, testing her limits. Though it is painful, it is not unbearable, and she doesn't doubt that something has been given to her to lessen the pain. They tell her that she may return back to Erebor in three days, under the supervision of the Dwarvish healers as long as she heals as they predict.

Her next guest, to her surprise, is Legolas.

"Welcome back," he greets, pulling the seat that Bilbo had been sitting on to the side of her cot. He sits down, leaning his elbows on his knees. Gailien lets her head fall against the side of the pillow, giving him a small smile and a huff of air through her nose.

"Heard you saved me," she teases quietly. "Guess I'm racking up quite the debt."

"Indeed you are," he agrees, pushing his lips together. "I'm leaving in a week's time."

"Leaving?" she frowns. "Mirkwood?"

Legolas nods, leaning back in the chair. "Yes. I can no longer stay and my father has advised me to seek out the son of Arathorn, chieftain of the Rangers. I'm not sure what your plans are from here, but I just want you to know that you many accompany me if you ever wish to. I know that you are used to travelling and to speak with complete honesty, I don't see you living in a Dwarf Kingdom."

Gailien's jaw slackens partially, her eyes dropping low as she thinks. She never saw herself living in a Dwarf kingdom either – something she has told herself for a long time. But to live without Thorin… "Thank you for your offer," she replies slowly. "I will seek you out if I ever have the urge." Legolas nods, already standing and preparing to leave. "Legolas?" He turns around, looking at her silently. "I'm sorry," she says. "For Tauriel."

"It is not your apology to give."