Paralyzed

Disclaimer; all characters and copyright belong to their respective owners.

A/N-thank you to everyone who kindly reviewed the last chapter. I am so sorry I still can't respond personally to everyone who left a review. The site is still not showing them, although I can luckily still read the emails.

Chapter Forty-Two-Trapped in the Mind

"I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. And I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?"

Ben was reliving his worst nightmare.

"Yes. anything."

Ben was in his own body but he didn't have any control over it. As soon as Han uttered those fateful words, he knew his father was doomed to die all over again. He couldn't bear it. He was screaming internally, begging his father to run, to run for his life, but Han remained in front of him. Struggling to stop himself taking out his lightsaber, he watched as his father took hold of it.

Ben knew that Rey was watching him from afar with Finn and Chewbacca. He tried to reach out to her telepathically, begging her to help him stop this madness. As the Starkiller finished draining the star it orbited to power the weapon, and the light on the planet died out, the saber ignited seemingly of its own accord and impaled his father through the torso. A mortally wounded Han touched his face one last time, looking deep into his eyes, before falling to his death in the bowels of the oscillator.

From somewhere high above came Rey's scream of horror followed by Chewie's roar of anguish. Ben waited for the enraged Wookie to fire the powerful shot from his bowcaster but it never came. Instead, in the time it took him to blink he found his father standing in front of him again…

The Night Buzzard was a modified Oubliette-class transport, originally a dungeon ship on Osseriton, a penal world in the Unknown Regions. The vessel was liberated by the Knights during a raid on the planet alongside many prisoners. The Knights made several alterations to the Night Buzzard to better suit their tastes, such as altering the vessel's appearance to match their dark side aesthetic. The vessel's engines were also crudely modified to generate more thrust, although this took a toll on the insulation baffles, causing the Buzzard to spew noxious gas as it flew. It was well armed, with a forward laser cannon turret, a mid ship laser cannon turret, a rear heavy laser cannon turret, and rear-facing fixed laser cannons.

The Night Buzzard served as the home of the Knights of Ren, as well as their transport, which went a long way to explain the absolute state of the inside the ship. Everything was in disarray, with utensils, weapons and even clothing haphazardly strewn about. None of them liked to think about the last time anything had been cleaned. For Hux, who was fastidious about cleanliness and personal hygiene, it was particularly galling. While Kuruk made his way to the cockpit to pilot the ship, the other knights just kicked their way through the detritus to find a seat.

"What were you expecting, my lady?" Trudgen said to Rey when he caught the grimace on her face. "I thought with your background you would be used to roughing it."

"There's roughing it and purposely living in squalor because you're too lazy to maintain an orderly ship." Rey answered as she tried to contain a sneeze when dust blew up into her face.

"Was that an insult?" Ap'lek sneered as he removed his helmet for the first time. He appeared older than Rey had thought by the sound of his voice, he was completely bald on top, but sported a long shaggy brown beard. "You're quite welcome to clean the place up if it makes you feel better, your highness."

Trudgen laughed under his breath when he saw Rey scowl. "I think you've upset our queen with that little comment, Ap'lek. Remember she did kick your ass."

"Not mine. Vicrul's." Ap'lek said sourly.

"Didn't she force freeze you?" Cardo waded into the argument as he removed his own mask to reveal a very boyish looking face, dark skin and a shiny cap of black hair.

"Didn't she send you flying against the wall?" Ap'lek retorted angrily.

Rey fancied she could smell the testosterone in the air as Ap'lek and Cardo began to face off against one another. Trudgen stood back watching them in amusement. Rey refrained from rolling her eyes as she exchanged an irritated glance with Rose. She guessed these petty fights probably happened on a daily basis. Having a group of darkside force users cooped up together on a ship for extended periods, things were bound to kick off.

Before the two knights had a chance to begin tearing chunks out of each other, Rey swept them apart with the Force, causing them to shoot her annoyed scowls. "You'd be better off spending all your pent-up energy cleaning up the place than fighting each other." She ordered them.

Trudgen just laughed as he ran his fingers through his dirty blonde hair. "You heard the lady. Start clearing up some of this junk. It was about time anyway." He kicked a stray piece of metal on the floor to make his point.

"You better be including yourself in that, Trudgen." Ap'lek glowered ferociously.

"Not me." Trudgen said with a wicked grin. "I have other duties to perform, like showing her worshipfulness to her new quarters. Have fun, idiots."

Ap'lek and Cardo bristled with anger, but another glare from Rey had them backing down from another fight. Instead, with many muttered oaths under their breath, they began to reluctantly go about the menial task of cleaning up the ship.

"Your man used to bunk here in the old days before he became too superior." Trudgen revealed as the doors slid open. Unlike the rest of the Buzzard, Ben's old quarters were austere and meticulously clean.

"Thanks, Trudgen." Rey said wearily as she stepped inside. Rose and Hux had already been shown to their own quarters. Rose's was perfectly functional but Hux's were particularly grim. Rey wondered whether Trudgen had done that on purpose considering the former animosity between Hux and the knights.

Trudgen noted the dark circles underscoring Rey's eyes. She looked thin and drawn. "I suggest you take the time to catch some sleep until we rendezvous with Kylo's ship. If you should hear any unusual noises just ignore them, you've seen how easily things can kick off around here." He left her then, the doors sliding closed behind him.

When he was gone Rey slumped onto the cot in exhaustion. She felt her lightsaber press into her leg and she reached to bring it out, laying it down on the floor. She was tired as hell, her eyes heavy with a weariness that sank right into her bones. Tears welled in her eyes as she finally allowed herself to drop her defences and have a good cry. Loneliness was like a vice on her heart, squeezing with just enough pressure to be a constant pain. She had reached the limit of her endurance.

"Oh, Ben." She cried slowly, with tears dripping down her cheeks and the soft hum of her own voice echoing throughout the room. She felt lost, helpless. Without her other half to keep her afloat it was like she was adrift in an endless ocean of isolation.

Rey lay down on her side, one hand drifting protectively over her curved abdomen. She breathed deeply, concentrating on the twins' force signatures in a vain attempt to ease her loneliness. She could feel their latent energy, humming faintly beneath her fingertips. A single tear slid down the curve of her cheek as she took her hand away, rolling onto her back as her loneliness grew steadily until it dominated her emotions. What started out as a nagging feeling of sadness became so strong that it threatened to break her.

"Ben! I need you, Ben. Please answer me. I'm drowning without you." She called out to him wretchedly in her mind.

Her only answer was silence.

Ben was in torment.

"We're not done yet."

Ben had followed Rey and Finn into the forests outside of the oscillator, as they made their way back to the nearby Millennium Falcon, where he confronted them, lightsaber drawn. Internally he struggled to force his hand to drop the lightsaber, but he had no control over his limbs, his voice or any part of his body. Instead his soul remained trapped inside, a despairing witness to the crimes he continued to commit.

"You're a monster!"

Rey's words struck home as she raised her blaster to defend herself. Ben was close to tears, utterly despairing as he raised his arm and used the Force to throw her into a tree, knocking her unconscious. In his anguish at what he had done, he tried to wrest his way out of his own body to get to her, but his efforts were fruitless, the iron bars of his prison trapping his soul inside.

Now it was just him and Finn. Ben was barely aware of the fight that ensued between them, his inner focus remaining on Rey the entire time. The next time he became aware of anything other then Rey he had already overwhelmed and disarmed the former stormtrooper.

With the duel with Finn over Ben stood breathless in the snow, his breath fogging in the icy air in front of him. In frustration he tried to force his body to obey him, but he remained powerless as his attention turned to his grandfather's lightsaber and attempted to use the Force to draw it into his hand. Instead, it flew past him and landed into Rey's hands as she used the Force to call it to her-as if it was her destiny to wield the lightsaber of Anakin Skywalker. And it was. She looked so beautiful, so glorious, vital, strong and alive that Ben was completely awed.

He watched Rey ignite the weapon and to his horror he found himself propelling forward to engage her in a duel. He tried to stop himself, to draw back and beg her forgiveness, but he was locked in the intense duel, his body disobeying the chaotic thoughts flowing in his head. He already had the upper hand, remaining on the offense as he pressed his attack on Rey who was retreating from him. In desperation Ben called out to Rey telepathically, begging her to hear him, to understand that he wasn't in control of what was happening. He saw a flicker of confusion in her hazel eyes as their blades became locked.

His taller frame hovered over hers, his greater strength and experience overwhelming hers. The light from their flickering sabers reflected in their eyes as their gazes locked just as tightly as their blades.

"You need a teacher. I can teach you the ways of the Force."

This was it. This was the moment she would reject him, where the tide of the fight would turn against him and she would strike him down. He was eager for it, if it meant he would no longer be the one to hurt her. But then something changed, he saw the same confusion flicker in her eyes again as she mouthed his name. "Ben?"

"Ben?" Rey awoke to a body caked in sweat. She stared around blearily, confusion clouding her vision. She'd been dreaming about the past, the night she had fought Ben for the first time on Starkiller base. It had felt so real. She slumped back on her pillows and closed her eyes again, the lingering tracks of her tears coating her cheeks. "Oh, Ben, please wake up. I need you. I miss you."

"Rey?"

His beloved voice was like a whisper on the wind. Her eyes shot open again as she tried to capture it and hold it close to her heart. "Ben? Talk to me, Ben. I heard you. Answer me, dammit."

Rey strained her ears to catch any tiny sound. At first, she thought she had been mistaken, that she hadn't heard his voice at all, but then came his faint response. "Rey, sweetheart, I'm trapped."

A sliver of panic coursed through her as she tried to make sense of what he was saying. "Trapped where? I don't understand."

"In my mind, Rey. I'm stuck in the cycle of the past and I can't wake up."

Understanding finally dawned on Rey as she realised her strange dream hadn't been a dream at all. It was Ben all along. "Were you on Starkiller?" She asked fervently.

"Can you see me?" Came his frantic response. "I thought I saw recognition in your eyes. Please tell me that was you?"

"I saw you, Ben, I saw you!"

"I was hurting you. But I couldn't make myself stop. I wasn't in control. I'm still not…Rey…." Ben was inconsolable.

"You didn't hurt me. That's the past. Its not real. I'm going to come to you. We'll find a way out of this together, Ben. We'll find a way to wake you up. I promise." Rey vowed as she crawled back onto the cot and clenched her eyes shut. She concentrated hard, picturing Ben as he looked in the dream.

A/N-thanks for reading! Please review if you have the time.