It's almost 2 a.m. my time and I'm going to stay up and try to update as much as possible. Don't forget that tomorrow, 8/22/20, the first chapter of my rewrite of "A Perfect Submissive" titled "Under My Thumb" will be live on Fanfic! Don't forget to check it out!

29

Tangled up in Blue

Despite my fingers moving across his skin, he felt like a part of my imagination—something finally emerging from the deep recesses of my mind to comfort me. Intoxicated by his words, nothing felt real. On the mattress, I felt as if I were drifting. Drifting above my memories, my ties to the past, my own thoughts, and feelings … Euphoria made me feel weightless. The day ahead was daunting, but as I laid in the motel bed with him at my side, nothing else seemed to matter.

He kissed my lips, leaving me wanting as his mouth dropped to my collarbone. My back arched off the bed as he pressed wet kisses across my flushed skin. Eventually, he realized it was time to go, and I grumbled as I stepped out of bed and got ready for the day. He tended to Charlie as I showered, and after I finished drying my hair and putting on some makeup, we switched off. Charlie was happy today, not fussy as he usually tended to be in the mornings. Today was another day with his grandparents, and already, I wanted to hide away with a good book, ignoring the reality around me.

"You ready?" Edward asked as he slipped into a pair of sneakers and threw on a beat-up leather jacket.

He was effortless yet sexy in his dark washed jeans, white shirt, black Converse, and black leather jacket. As I looked at him, I didn't want to leave. Instead, I wanted to remind him who he belonged to again and again. Of course, I was on my best behavior and, instead, stood up and slipped into my own coat and sneakers before putting a little jacket on Charlie.

"Even if it sucks hanging out with them, at least the food here looks good."

Edward laughed at my comment, pulling me against his torso to press a kiss against my hair. "It won't suck with you there. I just … God, I don't know. I hope they lighten up. They're so fucking stuffy."

"I'm sure they will." My voice didn't sound too sure, and I knew Edward picked up on it. "They're probably just nervous about everything. They lost their daughter …" I trailed off, shaking my head. "It makes sense they would worry about her son."

"I know, I know. I get where they're coming from, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I feel so uncomfortable every time I'm around them."

"Well, it won't be for much longer. Let's just get through the day. For Charlie."

"For Charlie," he agreed before we grabbed the room's keycard and left.

The pit in my stomach grew as I peered down at the breakfast menu. They were late. My gaze kept shooting toward the door, and whenever I wasn't looking, I kept my ears open, waiting for the bell above the door to chime. My knuckles were white as I gripped onto my menu, and I couldn't bring myself to look at Charlie. Although he was too young to realize what was going on, I felt disappointed for him. They should be here. They promised to come. Don't they want to see their grandchild? Edward's eyes were on me. Whenever I felt them, my skin always blushed. My body always reacted to him even when he wasn't in my view.

"What are you staring at?" I asked without peering up from my menu.

"You."

I could hear the smirk in his voice.

My gaze left the menu and moved to the two empty seats across from us. As I stared at the cold steel, I inhaled and bit back a snide comment.

"I love you," the beautifully inked man murmured, effectively pulling me from my temperamental thoughts. "Lots."

I smiled and took a sip of my lukewarm green tea. "You can't stop saying that now, can you?" I teased. He shook his head, smiling at me as if he were seeing me for the very first time. "I love you, too."

His shoulders rose and his back straightened against his chair. With a satisfied smile, his fingers crawled across the table and ran over the skin of the back of my hand. He rubbed little circles there for a moment before his active fingers relaxed and intertwined with mine. I gave them a gentle squeeze, trying to dispel some of my anger and disappointment.

"I'll never get tired of saying that. I've been wanting to say those words for a long time."

I bit down on my bottom lip to suppress a giggle but it was no use. Memories flooded back and made my face flush. Every time he fucked, he became so romantic, constantly declaring how much he cared for me while he fell to pieces inside of me.

"Fuck … Shit … Fuck … So fucking good … You feel so fucking good … You're so beautiful to me … So fucking pretty. I love you … Fuck, I love you so fucking much."

"What?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"You've told me that you loved me before."

"What do you mean?"

"When you—" I stopped speaking as his eyes grew, probably already guessing my next words. "Whenever you fucked me, you told me that you loved me."

"Shit, really?"

I almost felt guilty—like I was bursting his bubble or something. "With your eyes," I quickly amended. "You would tell me with your eyes."

He softened before rolling his eyes playfully. "Shit, I know that's not true. I always have the weirdest faces when I come." He shook his head, smirking a little. "At least, I imagine that I do. All twisted up and weird and super concentrated. I doubt I look 'loving' in moments like those," he said, lifting his hands to do little air-quotes around the word "loving." He leaned back in his seat and ran a hand through his messy hair. "Shit, I can't believe I've been telling you that I love you when I'm coming."

"I liked it. You always made me feel special and—"

The restaurant's bell chimed above the entrance, and both of our gazes darted over. Unaffected by being late, Lincoln and Mae stood by the front door as their eyes searched for our table. With Charlie in his arms, Edward stood to greet them, trying to seem as calm and collected as he probably could. Already, I could feel their energy—there was something angry there that made me shift in my seat and pull at the edges of my coat.

Then they reached our table with a lackluster reception. Edward was strong but still; I worried that the judgmental expressions and sharp words would get to him. The fact that he seemed so unaffected broke my heart. How does one become used to something like this? Has the world really been so harsh to him? My eyes never left him as he invited them to sit down across from us.

Tepid, they took their seats and kept the conversation minimal. All of their energy was reserved for Charlie. Again, I understood this—their grandson should come first. Still, he wouldn't have been here if it weren't for our efforts, and the fact that they couldn't show the least bit of appreciation irked me.

Edward passed Charlie to me before he took off his leather jacket, revealing his tattoo-covered forearms, which he rested on the table. He made a statement without uttering a word. He was who he was, and their constipated expressions weren't going to change that. There was something sexy about him being so authentically himself. Even when he dealt with criticism—even when he hated himself—he never apologized for who he was. There was something about living unapologetically that gave him confidence in the moment, and he ordered our food in a clear and concise voice when the waiter arrived before looking at the couple expectantly. They were too perturbed by his extensive tattoo collection to order at first, and when they did, their voices were tight.

Edward took a chug of his coffee, ignoring the burn, and set his mug back on the table in a way that caused it to clink loudly against the steel. He leaned back in his chair, unaffected, before asking, "So, what did you want to do after this? I don't really know what's around here."

Mae shifted uncomfortably in her seat before she rolled her eyes at Edward. It took a moment, but she controlled her expression and answered. "I was thinking we could go to the children's museum nearby."

"That's a good idea." He turned to me and explained. "It's right by our hotel."

Mae smiled at the small praise, and for a moment, I wondered if we were being too harsh. I kept reminding myself again and again of all that she had lost. It was easy to forget that everyone had their own past that was painful. A shallow view didn't show years and years of pain. However, sometimes a shallow view was all we were allowed to see. Behind the bitter words and harsh expressions was a person suffering with their own demons. Just because the demons weren't visible didn't mean they were nonexistent.

After breakfast, we followed their 2011 Chrysler 300 to our next destination. They drove slow and carefully, making it nearly impossible for Edward not to ride their bumper. The speed limit didn't seem to exist to them as they consistently drove ten to fifteen miles under it. People passed us on the road, honking as if they had somewhere pressing to be on a Sunday morning.

"They must still be skittish about Kate," Edward mused as he adjusted the radio station to one that wasn't a stream of fuzz. "I know I was scared as shit to drive after what happened."

Whenever he spoke of Seth, I never knew what to say. The right words never entered my head, and all the phrases I could muster were stuck in my throat. Nothing felt right. Everyone's grief was different, and I felt it impossible to compare to mine.

The brick building that came into view was underwhelming. How is this a museum? Charlie babbled from his car seat, eyeing the museum speculatively. While the museum wasn't large or impressive, it was novel in its own way. Edward parked a few spaces away from the Chrysler before hopping out to get Charlie. The baby was full of energy, bopping around in his father's arms and causing me to forget all about the scenery around me. Red blossomed against the pale skin of his cheeks, and with wide, bright eyes, he peered around the parking lot. His mouth dropped open into a smile, and he pointed his fingers and fussed around, wanting to be everywhere at once.

Lincoln and Mae waved at us, and we followed them up the stairs and inside. To our surprise, they paid for our tickets and watched Charlie with satisfied expressions as he buzzed with excitement. We entered the play area and noise enveloped us. Kids darted around, playing, screaming, and getting chastised by parents. Charlie, feeling overwhelmed in the unfamiliar space, buried his face against Edward's neck and closed his eyes. He was shy and overstimulated, and Edward rocked him against his chest, trying to ease some of the tension. He kissed his forehead and let the baby bury his face in his leather jacket.

"Katherine used to be shy." Mae paused and reached up to cover her mouth. She was quiet for a moment before her hand dropped away, and her lips pressed together. She looked at Charlie and reached out, wanting to comfort him while probably needing the comfort for herself, too. "I can take him for a bit, if you want?"

Edward hesitated at first and allowed Charlie another second to calm down before he handed him over to Mae's waiting arms. She eagerly took him, and Edward watched the pair for a moment and judged his son's expression. As soon as Charlie seemed okay, Edward stepped back and reached to take my hand, giving them some time alone with the baby as he led me around the museum. He kept a watchful gaze over Charlie the whole time, waiting for any sign of discomfort or an excuse to run back over there.

Now that we were a few yards away, I watched the couple transform into something I barely recognized. They smiled and were jovial as they played with the baby. Everything about them was relaxed and easy. While there was still grief in their postures, they blossomed as soon as they were alone.

"Maybe they aren't so bad," I commented as I gestured to them with our joined hands.

"I don't think they are," Edward remarked as his gaze remained ahead. "I think they're just dealing with their own shit. I can be a lot to handle too sometimes." I smiled at this and pressed a quick kiss against his shoulder. "I can't wait until Charlie gets a little older," Edward continued. "Then, he can do all of this shit." Kids played around us and it blew my mind knowing one day this little baby would be walking, talking, and playing, too. "Of course, I heard toddlers can be a fucking nightmare."

He turned his head and gave me a teasingly petrified look. Considering Charlie's mellow temperament now, I doubted he would become too troublesome. At least, for Edward's sake, I hoped.

"We might have a wild child on our hands," I teased, causing Edward to choke on his breath.

The sound around us seemed to fade away as Edward gripped my hand more tightly—we became lost in our own little world. All that filled my ears were the sounds of our heartbeats as our pulses thumped together in our palms. It was a small relief to be pulled away from everything. The museum became a haze around us as my eyes focused on his face. It was the only thing I needed. Edward's mouth opened, but before words could escape, we heard Charlie's cries from across the room.

We were by his side in an instant and found that he was having a little fit. He was either hungry or needed to be changed. One step closer told me it was the latter.

"He needs to be changed. I can take him," I volunteered as I reached out for him.

Instead of forfeiting the baby over, Mae held him closer to her breast. Her gaze made me stumble. What are you even doing here? What's your purpose? her eyes accused. I faltered and dropped my hands, unsure how to approach the situation. By blood, I was nothing to Charlie, but in my heart, he was everything.

"If you don't want my girlfriend to change him, I'll do it." Edward seemed irritated as he stepped forward and situated his body between Mae and me.

She looked at him for a moment, seeming just as annoyed before she sighed and, to my surprise, handed the baby over to me. With Charlie in my arms, I turned on my heel and walked toward the bathroom without another look in their direction. I felt almost guilty leaving Edward with them. They're going to dig into him. As the thought filled my mind, I changed Charlie as quickly as I could. Both of my men need me right now.

"You having fun here, buddy?" I asked Charlie as I wiped him with a wet cloth.

He garbled out a response and smiled as I began to put on a fresh diaper.

"That makes one of us," I grumbled with Edward still in my mind.

As I carried Charlie out of the bathroom, I found the trio a few yards away. The tension was heavy in the air, and I cringed as I saw Edward leaning forward, talking to them with menacing energy. I couldn't hear them clearly, but judging by Edward's body language, I could imagine what was being said. Harsh words and criticisms could only be dealt with for so long. He'd reached his boiling point, and for some reason, I felt like whatever had sent him over the edge hadn't been about him—it seemed like it must have been about me.

"—what does that matter? I don't know what the hell the future—"

Edward paused, realizing I was close enough to hear him. His eyes were dark and filled with life—adrenaline must have been coursing through him. His energy was violent and vibrant. My gaze then turned to Mae, whose face was ashen and her expression was unreadable. Lincoln was silent beside her, seeming just as perturbed. Neither seemed apologetic, if indeed they had something to apologize for. As I moved beside them, Edward nudged me and, silently with a nod of his head, directed me to return the baby to the couple. I begrudgingly did before Edward pulled me away, obviously needing all the space he could get from them in such a small museum.

"What happened?" I asked as soon as we were out of earshot.

"Nothing." Suddenly, I noticed the bags beneath his eyes. He looked more drained than I had ever seen him. He ran his hand through his hair and pulled it up from the roots, yanking to release the pent-up tension boiling beneath his skin. "They were just tearing into me again about being Charlie's guardian."

"Fuck them."

While I usually didn't curse, it was all I wanted to do. I had a lot of tension, too. It had been boiling up inside of me for longer than just today.

"I get where they're coming from but fuck, man."

"I think they forget that they're not the only people grieving."

"I don't think they give a shit. It's all about them and their pain. Fuck the rest of us, I guess."

"I can't believe they're not impressed. I mean, you've done everything for Charlie. Everything you could do, you've done. Can't they see that?"

A heartbeat passed before he responded. "One day, I hope they will. Even if they don't, they'll have to learn to deal with me. I'm in Charlie's life for good, and if they don't like it, they don't like it. It's not going to affect anything. I'll still be there whether they ignore me or not."

"They'll warm up one day. Hopefully …" I trailed off with a nervous laugh.

Edward smiled at the sound and warmed slightly. "Thank fuck, Charlie didn't call you 'mama' or whatever right in front of them. I would have shit myself. How awkward would that have been?"

"Real awkward. It's just … It's probably too soon. Way too soon."

"You don't mind it though?"

"Mind what?"

"Him calling you that?"

"I mean, I doubt he knows what he's saying."

"I know. Still though. It's a big thing. I freaked when he started calling me 'dada,' even though I know he's just confusing me for Seth."

"I don't mind it. It's a little … I don't know. Just so much has happened in such a short amount of time. It all seems so surreal."

"Fucking tell me about it. Every day I wake up, I'm afraid there's going to be something new. I never thought I'd love normal so much."

We nearly cried as the fresh air hit our faces again. Everything tasted sweeter after a day of being drained. Lincoln and Mae held Charlie, walking silently beside us as we headed out to our cars. Edward was feeling friendlier than I was. As I peered down at the concrete as I walked, he showed them photos of Charlie from his phone. They put their reservations for Edward aside and walked close enough to see the pictures, even laughing at some of them. Eventually, the camera roll came to an end, and we stood awkwardly between our cars, searching for a way to say goodbye. Mae and Lincoln said a tearful goodbye to Charlie before handing him over to me. Without a word, I gave the couple a small smile and moved to unlock our car and put Charlie in his car seat. Edward hung around them for a moment, awkwardly scuffing his shoes against the concrete before he gave them a nod and stepped away, following after me.

"Wait."

We both turned and found Lincoln moving toward us, leaving his wife to stand by herself gawking at us. With a red face and a trembling brow, he reached out to Edward, wanting to pull him aside. My eyes danced between them as Edward looked for my approval—or perhaps he was questioning what to do next. To go with the man who's been treating you like shit the whole day or to not go with him … Decisions, decisions. I nodded, and he took off after Lincoln. They stood a few yards away but spoke loudly enough for me to hear their every word.

"I know we haven't …" Lincoln trailed off, searching for the right words as he rubbed his bald spot. "Well, we haven't been too kind on this trip, have we? It's just been tough. I'm not going to lie to you, Edward. Real tough without Katherine. This isn't how we usually act—we haven't been our real selves since she …" He bit down on the inside of his cheek and stopped speaking for a moment. "We appreciate you for coming all this way. I don't want you to think that we don't. It meant a lot to see Charlie. Mae's sick—she can't travel—and we didn't know if we would ever see him again. I hope that the way we've acted doesn't hinder your coming again."

Edward stared at the man for a moment before leaning back on his heels and stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jacket. "Is this an apology then?"

"Of course!" His pudgy, flustered hands moved about as he tried to make amends. "We're sorry. Katherine would be disappointed with us if she were here. She'd ripped us apart in the past for how we looked at you."

Quiet again, it took Edward a moment to answer. "I didn't know that."

"It was at her wedding. I felt horrible, like I had really let her down. You were a brother to her, I think."

"She always felt like an older sister. She used to chastise me like we were blood relatives."

Lincoln smiled. "She was a good kid. We were always so proud of her."

After a few seconds of heavy silence, Edward finally replied. "It's all right. Things have been hard. Hard on all of us. I can understand why the tension is so thick. I just wish we could get along … just for Charlie's sake.

With that, Edward stepped away. Or, at least, tried to. Lincoln was quick to stop him.

"Just one second. Please, just one more—"

"Don't worry," Edward said as he turned around to look at him. "We'll come back soon. I promise. You'll get to see your grandson again. I wouldn't take that away from you. I'm not some monster—even if you think I look like one. He deserves all the love he can get. And more than that."

Edward smiled, long and melancholy, before he pulled away from Lincoln. The older man dropped his hand and clenched it over his heart. His eyes misted with tears as he watched Edward walk away. He was thankful. Despite his prejudices, he was grateful for the man who let him see all he had left of his daughter. Lincoln then turned his attention to me as I stood by Charlie in his car seat. His eyes dropped to the baby and he smiled, giving a little wave before he abandoned where he was standing and walked back to his wife.

With one final goodbye, we watched as the couple disappeared into their car. They drove off, allowing me to exhale as I closed the car door and moved to slide onto the passenger seat. I closed my eyes as I rested back against the headrest and listened to Charlie as he babbled in the back.

Edward hopped into the driver's seat with a sigh. Resignation filled his features as he put the key into the ignition and exhaled as the car roared to life. He sat for a moment, dazed, before he messed with the radio dial.

"He just wanted to apologize and shit," Edward explained as he searched for a radio station to meet his somber mood. "Asked if we were bringing Charlie back."

"What did you say?" I asked, pretending I hadn't been eavesdropping on their entire conversation.

"I said we would."

"I'm glad he came to his senses and apologized. I didn't think he'd warm up to us at all."

"It wasn't much of an apology," he mumbled as he finally found a classic rock station playing The Smiths. "He only apologized because he thought Katherine would be ashamed of him or some shit. She would have. I guess she'd said some shit in the past … standing up for me or whatever." He paused for a moment and smiled to himself. "I never knew she did that."

"She sounds like she was wonderful."

"She was. I mean, she was too good for my brother. Sweet and giving. I'm sure she loved Charlie with her entire being."

I reached across the center console and grabbed his hand, holding it against his thigh. My fingers moved across the back of his hand, rubbing little circles there.

"You were great today," I complimented. "More patient than I could have ever been."

"I know." He smirked. "I saw the looks you were throwing his direction."

"I have to protect what's mine." I squeezed his hand.

"Is that what I am? Yours?"

There's that cocky smirk I've been missing.

"Yeah, of course. And I'm yours."

"You've been mine all along."

During our short stay, I had taken a multitude of photographs. There was always a desire to capture everything, never knowing which moments would be important pieces of an overall puzzle. Everything was worthy of being looked back on, regardless of the pain or pleasure it brought. Certain moments had their own potency. Even though the whys could be a mystery, there was a clear understanding that this moment in time was important. Time plummeted forward unforgivingly and let go of things before I could capture them in my grasp. Things slipped through my fingers, and all I could do was stand idly by in my own bubble of time, watching them merge with an unreachable darkness. It was uncomfortable, and whenever I thought of it, I wondered how many things festered there.

I wanted Charlie to know every bit of his own truth. So, every picture—every memory—helped. With so much already merged in that dark little void I created in my mind, he needed someone to illustrate all that was left. There was so much I yearned to show him, and one day, I hoped he would appreciate the lengths that I had gone to. He deserved a world that was whole. If it were up to me, all the holes in his world would be filled. I peered down at him as he rested in my arms and watched as his eyelids fluttered. The air was cool tonight, and it kissed my cheeks as I peered up at the pinks and purples painted in the sky. It was twilight, and the sun hid behind a tree, promising to disappear entirely in a matter of minutes.

"I swear to God, everyone has to cut me down every fucking chance they get. I don't get where I'm fucking up. What am I doing that's so wrong? Is it because I've fucked up so much in the past? I feel like I can't catch a fucking break anywhere. No matter what I do—no matter how much I fucking improve—I'm always going to be the person I was. It doesn't matter about the changes I've made or the miles I've come. I'll be stuck there forever. I'm still a strung-out fuck up whore who no one respects. That's how people see me. That's how they'll always see me."

"People suck."

The words were choked as they left my mouth. My eyes burned—tears threatening to spill as I looked at him.

"Why …" He stopped, choked up, too. "Why can't people fucking see me clearly? What do I have to do?"

"Just keep doing what you're doing." My words were hollow. "You're doing all you can, Edward."

"I'm doing all I fucking can. I feel like I'm going crazy, Bella. Real fucking crazy. I'm never going to be good enough—not ever."

"You're good enough now. Why do you want to please everyone?"

He was quiet for a moment. "I don't. I just—" He stopped and ran a hand through his hair, nervously pulling. "You don't know what it's like."

"I do know what it's like. My past isn't perfect. I've done plenty of things that I regret. Stop acting like you're in this alone all the time."

The ride back to Evergreen had been rough. So many things had been left unsaid. It had been a long time since I had felt so weak. If I could only tell him, things would be better. Even remembering the moments now felt violating. Bile rose to my throat as I remembered the sticky sensation between my thighs. I needed to wash it away—be with someone else until I could forget about him—forget about them. Their lips had been so different than what I was used to now. There was no love there, only dominance. Dominance and fear and loathing and a disgust that I couldn't describe. It was more than revulsion. With them, I didn't feel human. Months and months passed before I had crawled my way out. Even when I was gone, I still felt them touching me.

Tears hit my chest before I even knew I was crying. Charlie looked up at me, flustered and curious as he reached his little arms up. I played with his fingers and tried to breathe. I should get back to Edward now. His embrace will fix things.

The sunset calmed me down, and when it became too dark for comfort, I stood up and went back to the apartment, abandoning the swing I was sitting on.

"One day, you'll be able to enjoy that park," I said to Charlie as I climbed the steps to Edward's place.

He babbled something and reached out to play with the edges of my cardigan.

Edward stood in the kitchen, cooking dinner. "Preparing" may have been a better word since the man was clueless when it came to cooking anything that wasn't a grilled cheese. He made up for his lack of talent in the kitchen in other ways—ways that I wanted to experience right now. Sometimes, all I needed was a moment to get lost in his body. We needed each other in that way. Coming together could be just as healing as talking. Sometimes, it was better. Words were too painful.

"Dinner should be ready in a second," Edward said as he stirred the premade pasta in a pan.

"Thanks for doing this. I just needed a break."

Abandoning his stirring, he rested the spoon down and came to press a kiss against my forehead. When he pulled away, he hovered before me for a moment, letting me breathe in his cologne. Then, he ushered me to have a seat at the kitchen table. While I hadn't told him anything regarding what had happened in my past, he seemed to pick up on something. He was treating me as if I were more fragile than glass—so gentle and careful. He was more intuitive than he gave himself credit for. When things weighed on me, he was right there, holding my hand and kissing me until I would forget.

"I made your favorite, and maybe after, we can watch a movie and—"

"After Charlie goes to sleep, we can do other things." My words were so rushed and desperate that I blushed and dropped my gaze, bringing my elbow to rest on the table as I buried my face in my hand. "Sorry. I'm just tense."

"I see that." He was quiet for a moment, and I could feel him watching me. "I'm not going to argue with you. I could practice that type of stress relief all night."

I smiled before raising my head and meeting his gaze. "Thank you."

"Why are you thanking me? I'm down for it whenever I can get it."

I giggled, and with a smirk, he turned to finish up dinner. My eyes remained on the ripples of his back as he worked. His muscles pressed against the thin fabric of his shirt, and I pressed my thighs together, feeling almost guilty as I lusted after him. He plated our food and turned to find me flushed and embarrassed as he set it on the tiny kitchen table. Charlie giggled in my arms at the domestic sight of his daddy, reminding me this wasn't the time or place.

"I have a different dinner for you, buddy," Edward announced as he turned to grab a plate of sweet potatoes, carrots, and little melt-in-your mouth rice crackers.

Charlie made a face when the food was placed before him, causing Edward and me to laugh. We ate in a comfortable silence. My mind was too wrapped up in everything to contribute to any polite conversation. Charlie fell asleep midway through his meal, and Edward abandoned his food to grab the baby.

"I'll put him to bed," he announced before taking him from my arms. He pressed a kiss against my forehead before leaving, disappearing down the hallway.

I didn't want to sit around eating anymore—my stomach was too tied up in knots as it was. Edward was basically done with his food, and I couldn't manage another bite, so I rose from my seat and quickly cleaned up. While he might be annoyed with me for throwing his food away, I was sure I could make it up to him in his bedroom. I needed to clear my head—I needed to forget—and his body was the perfect remedy. It was a quick fix—I knew that. Sometimes, a quick fix was better than nothing. A quick fix was better than dealing with the pain.

Sex could become a drug. Becoming lost in someone's body was just like becoming lost in a bottle. I never drank away my sorrows or used anything—something that shocked me now. Self-medicating wasn't my style, but it wasn't because I was above that sort of behavior. Instead, I was too lost in my depression to leave my room. Edward seemed transparent to me because I understood his pain better than anyone. We were the same in many ways, even though he would never believe that. We fixed things in our own ways. Just because they weren't identical on the surface didn't mean they didn't match underneath.

"You cleaned up?" Edward asked, confused as he reentered the kitchen.

"I didn't want to wait any longer," I said, almost pathetically, as I closed the distance between us.

My lips found his instantly, and my arms reached up to wrap around his neck. Fingers sliding through his hair, gripping him, I pulled him down, wanting to feel him mashed up against me. I didn't want there to be boundaries between us. I wanted to tear everything down as I felt every single inch of him. Our naked skin pressed together could help fix all the miles separating us. He moaned, allowing me to slip my tongue inside his mouth. He stumbled backward as I explored. Our skin grew hot as his hands roamed up and down my frame, and as a moan escaped my lips, I began to push on him, wanting him to move toward the bedroom.

We stumbled over our feet, falling into the hallway wall as I cried out. Edward pulled away to hush me, reminding me who was sleeping a few rooms over. I stifled a moan with his lips as I clawed at him, never able to get enough. I drank him in and swallowed every bit of the essence he gave me. No matter how much he gave, it was never enough. I felt his erection pressed against my belly as we continued to move down the hallway with our limbs nearly intertwined. We fell into the wall again, and I felt a bruise forming, but I was too delirious to care about the aftereffects of anything. There was only now—only us. Everything else was on the backburner as I climbed up his body. He palmed my ass and lifted me up. My feet dangled above the ground for a moment before he lifted me up high enough to wrap my legs around his waist.

Withering, my fingers tangled in his hair as he carried me into his bedroom. His legs were shaking too. He seemed too turned on to stand without toppling over. When he reached the bed, he threw me down on the mattress and unbuckled his jeans while his eyes moved over my body. My breasts shook as my breathing became embarrassingly ragged. He unzipped his fly, and then hesitated, smirking before pulling his shirt off in one fluid movement. A laugh escaped me as I watched the smirk I had grown to love. He loved the way I looked at him and enjoyed the attention more than I had ever seen anyone enjoy anything. With my undivided attention, he pulled his pants down and freed his erection.

"Undress," he ordered as he licked his lips.

I loved when he ordered me around like this. Despite the desire to control, there was a softness in his words that made me feel so loved I could sob. I took off my shirt with his eyes on me and reached behind my back to unclasp my bra. A shiver ripped through me as my nipples puckered against the temperature of the room. Edward licked his lips, causing them to harden further as I imagined his mouth on me. With shaky fingers, I reached down and pushed at the waistband of my yoga pants. I pushed them down my thighs, and when they bunched around my knees, Edward reached forward and helped, grabbing them by the bottoms and yanking them down. I reached for my panties but he beat me to it, grabbing them by their sides before pulling them down my legs. Situated by my feet, he kissed my toes before ascending.

A sob escaped me as his lips danced across my calves and moved up toward my thighs. Already, I was falling to pieces—I wanted him to tear me apart. His mouth continued to trail upward, leaving saliva behind as he made me shiver. My back arched off the bed, and I mewled as he kissed my labia. His tongue dipped into the folds as his hand reached forward and rubbed the places his mouth couldn't touch. His fingers dipped into the crevasse of my bottom before passing over my skin and finding my other hole. They dipped into my cunt—two fingers at first before he added a third. He stretched me out as his mouth continued to suck on me. After a few minutes of penetrating me with his long, pianist fingers, he slipped them out to play with my clit. As his mouth continued to lick, suck, and bite, I found myself falling to pieces. I covered my mouth and cried into my palm as I came against his tongue.

When I was finished, he rose to his knees and loomed over me. My hand still covered my mouth, wanting to mask all of my moans, as he stood erect and ready for me. He grabbed my legs and wrapped them around his waist before lining his cock up with my entrance. Then, he paused for a moment and watched my expression. I knew I would cry out as soon as he entered me so I kept my hand over my mouth. My eyes were wide and pleading, and when he saw the way they implored him, he smirked and pressed into me in one quick thrust.

I moaned against my palm and kept my eyes on him as he found an unrelenting rhythm. My tits bounced as he moved inside me and he kept his eyes on them. He licked his lips before he let go of my right hip and reached forward to grab my breast. He palmed it before playing with my nipple, causing it to pebble against his fingers. My entire body always reacted to him. I was an instrument he had mastered. I smiled against my palm before I finally lowered my hand—satisfied with the way he used me. I wanted him to suck me dry until all that was left was the Isabella I was now. The woman who was strong and unafraid of the world. I wanted him to fuck away everything else.

There was only now—there was only him. He threw his head back as he stopped thinking and allowed his body to move instinctually. He moved like a jackhammer as he began to curse beneath his breath. Hair was matted against his sweaty face and curled near his temples. His cheeks were flushed and his lips had teeth indentations from where he had bitten to keep from screaming. He was a mess. My mess and I wanted to watch him combust.

"Fuck, baby," he murmured as he relentlessly moved.

His hand left my breast and came back up to rest on my hip. Fingers digging into my flesh, his body became desperate for release. I was nearing my own as I watched him. There was an eroticism to the sheen of sweat against the beautiful ink on his skin that made me addicted to him. I pressed my thighs tightly against him, clamping him beneath my legs as if I were entrapping him—forcing him to fuck me forever. The resistance made his moves harsher, and suddenly, I was flying. My pussy fluttered around him as I was sent to heaven again. For a long time, I thought I couldn't come through penetration alone, but with Edward, I was discovering new things about my body every day. I was capable of so much more than I thought. It was never right before now.

"Let me watch you," I begged. Then, I added, "Come and say my name. I want to hear you say my name."

I had never requested this before now. Somehow, it felt right. There was no sweeter sound than my name on his lips.

"Bella," he mumbled with his head thrown back—features facing the ceiling. His eyes were closed, and he was concentrated as he spoke. "Isabella … Bella … Baby …"

He pulled out and dropped me, letting my lower half fall to the mattress. Still lethargic, I barely responded as I fell. Honestly, I was barely in my own body. I felt like I was floating above us watching everything as an outsider.

"Love you," he murmured before he came on my belly.

How could he form words at a time like this? How does he always manage to say that when he comes? I can barely form a thought and here he is vocalizing sentences.

My eyes misted, and I blinked the tears away, feeling silly for crying after sex. Somehow, he always lifted me up without knowing it. Even when he was fucking me—thoroughly degrading me—he made me feel so tall. Maybe that confidence was coming from deep inside me, and I wasn't giving myself the credit I deserved. Whatever the reason, I felt invincible.

Edward collapsed on the mattress beside me and grabbed his shirt from the floor to wipe me up.

"I'll wash that later."

He pulled me close as soon as I was clean and pressed his lips against my hair.

"Feeling better?"

My brows rose. He really could tell.

"How'd you know?"

"Because I know you." I could hear the smile in his voice. He was proud of himself for noticing every detail about me. Sometimes, he shocked me with what he remembered. "You know me, too. I don't think anyone knows me better than you do. Not since … not since my brother."

I knew what he needed now. Silently, I wrapped my arms around him and held him close. When he cried, I continued to hold him, pressing my face against his shoulder. I teared up as his muscles shook. Whenever he cried, I felt my eyes burning, too. When he was affected, I felt equally harmed. There seemed to be a string between us, connecting every emotion and thought. Tears came until he fell asleep beside me. I rolled onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. My eyes danced across the paint patterns, focusing on their lack of intricacy instead of thinking about things that made my heart ache. A familiar ceiling had a strange way of calming me down.

Time passed and sleep never came. Do I have to tear myself open to get some rest? I closed my eyes and pretended and laid like that until the sun rose.