Chapter 31

Tony could tell that Tim was deliberately trying to act normal. Whatever was going through his mind, he had zero interest in sharing it at the moment. Tony wasn't particularly happy about that, but he did appreciate that Tim was trying to keep things on an even keel after he'd nearly capsized the boat.

"How about this one?" Tim asked. "SharkPit Bar and Grill. They have a huge aquarium in it."

"Well, unless we're eating in the aquarium, that doesn't tell us what the food is like, Probie," Tony said.

Tim smiled. "Looks like pretty typical sports bar food. Burgers, wings, pizza, sandwiches, some salads if you're feeling healthy."

"Not on this trip," Tony said. "Oh, hey. Look at this one! Rock the Guac. Mexican food. How do you feel about that?"

"It's fine," Tim said, pulling up the restaurant on his own phone.

"They claim to be the best on Space Coast."

"Of course, they do," Tim said, drily.

"Build your own burritos or tacos."

"How far is it from here?"

"Only a few minutes' walk, looks like. What do you think?"

"Sure. Let's do it."

"Great!"

They got their stuff and headed out of the hotel room. It was literally five minutes of walking time to get to the restaurant. It would have been faster but they missed one of the lights and had to wait for it to change.

As nearly all the restaurants had been so far, it was packed. The curse of traveling during peak vacation time. They had to wait for a while but eventually they got a seat. They ordered some chips and guacamole, of course. They couldn't not get guacamole at a restaurant named for guacamole. Then, it was down to deciding what to get for their entrees.

"So what are you going to go for?" Tony asked.

"The quesadilla, I think," Tim said. "What about you?"

"The burrito."

"Let's see, and I want the black beans and white rice...and steak," Tim said as he continued looking over the menu.

Tony smiled as Tim mused over the toppings he was going to get. They both made their order and then waited. They'd decided to get jarritos instead of beer or wine just because. Then, they were sitting at the table and waiting.

Tony could tell that Tim was studiously trying to be normal, and he couldn't decide if he appreciated it or if he was annoyed by it.

"You ready to get the boys tomorrow?" Tim asked.

"Yeah, I am. I really want to know how it went," Tony said.

Tim nodded and smiled, but there was a slight tinge of sadness which took Tony by surprise.

"I'll bet I don't even have to ask Tommy to tell me anything," Tim said. "He'll start talking as soon as we see them."

"Start?" Tony asked. "He won't have stopped talking the entire week. He'll just be midsentence when he gets to us."

Tim laughed and that sadness vanished. Tony debated asking about it but decided he didn't want to at the moment.

"Hey, look. You can buy t-shirts," Tim said, pointing.

Tony looked and grinned.

"We are totally going to buy t-shirts, Tim," he said.

"Okay."

Their food came and they both dug in. It was very tasty even if it wasn't particularly adventurous.

"Good choice, Tony," Tim said. "I like it."

"I do my best."

"I know."

Again, there seemed to be more to it than just dinner choices. It was getting heavy even though they were both trying to keep it light. It wasn't working, so Tony made a decision to see if he could get Tim to talk about something. He was starting to see what Ducky had meant. When there was something to talk about, even if it was serious and they didn't want to be, it made things worse when they avoided it.

But it wasn't happening here. No way was Tony going to try to force Tim to talk about something he was clearly trying to avoid in a public space. So instead, they finished eating, paid their bill and bought a few t-shirts before heading out of the restaurant. While Tim was at the register, Tony quickly pulled out his phone to see how close they were to the beach. If they could walk to the beach, then, they could walk back to their hotel that way and maybe Tony could get Tim to talk a little bit. Then, he saw it. The perfect excuse and he was pretty sure Tim wouldn't be able to pass it up.

"What are you looking at, Tony?" Tim asked.

"Look at this, Tim!" Tony said, holding out his phone. "Alan Shepard Park! It's where people watch the rocket launches. It's only about a block from here. You want to see it?"

Tony could see the answer was yes, even if Tim was trying to decide whether or not he should say yes.

"Then, we could just walk back to the hotel on the beach. I didn't get down to the beach today, and I have to walk on Cocoa Beach, just so I can say I did."

Tim smiled.

"Okay, fine. We'll walk on the beach."

"Excellent."

So instead of walking directly back to the hotel, they took a slight detour to Shepard Park. When they got to the entrance, there was a sign.

"Stand by the sign, Tim! It's the closest you'll come to meeting Alan Shepard," Tony said.

"Yeah, since he's been dead for 20 years," Tim said.

"Exactly! Go and pose!"

Tim rolled his eyes a little, but he went and stood by the sign. Tony took his picture and then, they walked down to the beach.

"Too bad there aren't any launches scheduled for today," Tony said.

"Yeah, but there's no way we'd luck out like that," Tim said, staring out at the ocean. "It's not like the whales where they're usually around every day. Launches are a little more rare."

"I know, but it would have been cool to see it."

"Yeah, it would," Tim said. "But not today."

They started walking slowly down the shore. There were still plenty of people out on the beach, but it was getting a little late and so it wasn't quite as packed. The sun was heading down toward the horizon to the west, and it made the sky a beautiful burst of pinks and purples and oranges. They took a few pictures, knowing that it couldn't come close to really showing what they were seeing, but it was gorgeous anyway. There wasn't much conversation. Tony didn't know what Tim was thinking, but he was wondering if he should just blurt out his question or if he should try to ease into it somehow.

"You know, this doesn't look much like cocoa to me," Tony said after a minute or two.

"Huh?" Tim asked. "I wasn't listening. What?"

"I said the beach doesn't look much like cocoa to me. I'd expect the sand to be really brown."

Tim looked down at the sand and then out at the water.

"Maybe it's the water that's supposed to be brown."

"Well, that's not brown, either," Tony said.

"It was probably founded by someone whose nickname was Cocoa or last name was Cocoa, or the first business was selling cocoa," Tim said. "It probably has nothing to do with the color of the beach at all."

"Don't ruin my fun, Probie," Tony said, grinning.

"You're the one who likes to look stuff up on your phone. I'll bet you could find the answer," Tim said.

"Yeah, but the real answer is probably disappointing. So I'm going to take a page from your book and not look it up."

Tim laughed a little, but Tony could tell his heart wasn't in it.

"Okay, Tim. What's up? I'm not even asking about all that other stuff that I know is still something but you don't want to tell me and I'll let you."

Tim's browed furrowed for just a moment.

"What? I'm not following."

"You looked bugged by something when we were in the restaurant. Why?"

Tim looked away from him. "Oh."

"Hey, come on. What's up?"

"Nothing, really."

"Yeah, it is. You always say that when you don't want to lie but you don't want to talk about it. I saw it, Tim! You were upset. It didn't last, but you still seem a little upset now and I can't figure out why."

"It's just..." Tim walked toward the water a little bit. Then, he bent over and took off his shoes so that he could walk in the surf.

"What?"

"I ruined this trip for you." He let out a bitter laugh. "Again."

"What? No, you didn't. The only issue was with Gibbs and that was hardly your fault. Why would you think it was all ruined?"

Tim looked at him. "Because you're ready for this part to be over."

"Huh?"

"I asked if you were ready to pick up the boys and you said you were."

"You're not?"

"You've needed a break," Tim said. "You said that on the first day, but you didn't get it. So I ruined it for you. I really tried not to. I really wanted this to be the break you needed to have and I failed. Just like I always do when I try to do something for you. And we both know it."

"You got all that from me saying I was ready to see my son tomorrow? Tim, that's overboard even for you!"

"No. It was just the last confirmation." Tim sighed and walked away from the water. Then, he plopped down onto the sand and stared out at the surf. "You can deny it all you want, Tony, but we both know that I'm utterly incompetent when it comes to doing anything for you, and I know you don't want to deal with this now, either. So you don't need to. We can just drop it and move on...and look forward to the end of this trip."

Tony rolled his eyes, walked over and took a daring step. He wasn't sure if he should do it or not, or what kind of reaction he'd get. He just knew he'd get something. Maybe it would be enough.

He smacked Tim on the back of the head.

"Hey!" Tim protested, looking more than a little angry at the action.

Tony didn't give him a chance to say more than that. He needed to talk while he had Tim's full attention. Who knew how long it would last.

"Tim, knock it off! I don't know what it will take to break through this... this never-ending loop you seem to have playing in your brain all the time that you're a failure. You're not! Listen to me and listen to me closely. You. Are. Not. A. Failure! You're my friend. You're my brother. You're the only person who has got me to admit that my family is a little overwhelming at the moment. You are the one who broke through my determination not to care about my dad dying. You're the one who gave me a family when I didn't even realize how much it would mean to me. Stop thinking that you're not doing the right thing. I don't think there is a right thing to do in my case, and that's what makes it so hard. Yeah, part of me wanted you to figure it out, but I'm seeing more and more that it won't work that way. This isn't a trauma that's keeping me from seeing reality. It's just life being a little more difficult than I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong. It's hard right now, but there's no easy solution to it. You were right. I need to talk to Jo about it. That will probably do more than anything else I've tried...since I've tried pretty much nothing. And you told me that, too. You were right! So stop thinking you're always wrong! You're not! You say I'm bad about that when I critique my parenting skills. Well, you're worse when it comes to yourself. You're so afraid of being wrong that you can't even admit that you're good at something. And I know some of this is stuff you can't help, but some of it you can. It's got to be because you're not always like this. So snap out of it!"

"I–"

"And if you apologize to me one more time, I'm going to hit you again!" Tony said, interrupting quickly.

There was a moment when they were staring at each other, both upset...and then, almost at the same time, there was a sudden release of the tension and they both laughed a little.

Then, Tim sighed and looked out at the ocean.

"I don't know if I can blame this on my PTSD or if I'm just that stupid," he said.

"You're not stupid."

"I know," Tim said and sighed again. "But it's always right there and it's so easy to fall into it. I try not to, but sometimes, I just can't do anything else. I have to fall in. And I know it makes it harder for you. I don't want to. I really don't."

"Tim, if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that you don't want to make things hard for me," Tony said, drily. "You work so hard at that... that you make things harder for me."

Tim smiled, but he still looked a little disappointed in himself. No big surprise there.

"This is probably one of our worst road trips ever."

"Nah," Tony said. "I wouldn't say it's our best by any means, but it's definitely not the worst. The worst ones, I was worried that you'd kill yourself or completely fall apart or something like that. This time... not the greatest, but you're not in a mental fog. My dad didn't just die. You aren't dealing with severe psychological trauma."

"I'm not?" Tim asked, skeptically.

"Not new stuff. Just old stuff and that's not severe anymore," Tony said, waving his hand in the air. "We saw some cool stuff, had some fun."

"Not enough," Tim said, dourly.

"Shut up. We ate at some great places, and we had a whole morning where we just laid around and relaxed on the beach. That was great. It was only two days that weren't the best, and even then, they weren't uniformly bad, just a little bad and it spilled over onto other things a little."

"Uh-huh," Tim said, still sounding skeptical.

"I'm serious, Tim. Up until two days ago, you were having a lot of fun. This stuff with Gibbs doesn't negate the other fun stuff."

"Feels like it did."

"Well, it didn't, so stop feeling that way."

Tim laughed and sighed again.

"I know," Tony said. "It's not what you wanted. You wanted to do something great to help me, to fix things. You wanted both of us to have a lot of fun on this trip."

"...and it was me getting sick that put us here in the first place," Tim said. "We would have gone to Banff instead. No way would Gibbs be part of sailing expo there. Then, you wouldn't have had to deal with all my crap again."

Tony laughed at the image of Gibbs hauling his sailboat into the Canadian Rockies.

"No, that's true. Well, let me turn something you taught me around on you. Family lesson 101."

Tim looked at him in surprise. Tony grinned.

"You're never too busy for family. And I'll extend that to say that it's never too much... at least if both of you are working on it. I've got a lot on my plate. You've got a lot on your plate. We both do, and it's not a problem if we both need help sometimes. Your stuff isn't the same as my stuff. We can't help each other in the same way. Just isn't going to happen...because your stuff is work stuff. My stuff is home stuff. It can't be the same, Tim. What you have to do is break through my worries about ruining my family and get me to admit that it's what I'm worrying about. I have to break through your worries about yourself. And guess what. We both do a pretty good job of it when it's necessary."

Tim opened his mouth.

"And you're not allowed to disagree," Tony said, quickly.

Tim laughed...and didn't say anything, so Tony knew he was right about what Tim was going to say.

"So...tomorrow, we pick up the boys. You said you had a couple of ideas for stops on our way back up."

"Yeah...but maybe we shouldn't bother," Tim said. "They'll be so happy about all the space camp stuff anything else will seem lackluster in comparison."

"No, we absolutely should," Tony said. "The boys will be excited, and we need some last fun things to do to finish out the trip. What were you thinking?"

"Well, I was thinking that we could take the coastal roads and stop at Kittyhawk and Roanoke," Tim said. "But..."

"No buts. That sounds cool. We should do it. Besides, after learning about rockets, it'll bring them back to earth to learn about the beginning of flying."

"Not to earth," Tim said with a bit of a smile.

"Huh?"

"Not to earth. To the atmosphere. The plane did fly."

Tony smiled, glad that Tim was making a lame science joke.

"Either way, it still sounds cool. I like the idea, and I really do like it. No questioning."

Tim laughed at that, and his smile didn't waver, a sure sign that he was getting back out again.

What surprised Tony was that, even with yet another time when he had to help Tim out of his doldrums, he really didn't feel worse. He was glad to see Tim feeling better. He was glad that Tim had listened to him. He was glad that this might be the end of another lackluster moment, with hope for things getting a lot better.

...and he wasn't worn out by the effort. It was a surprise...and it was a good one.

"You ready to get back to our hotel for one more quiet night?"

"Yeah, but you know, it'll be quiet once Tommy falls asleep."

"Ha. I think he'll keep talking even then."

"He stops. Promise."

Tony got up and then put out his hand. Tim paused and then took it, letting Tony help him up. They brushed off the sand and kept walking.

When they got back to the hotel room, Tim went into the bathroom first. Tony decided to call Jo. If he didn't do this now, he might talk himself out of it by the time he got home.

"Tony! Daniel called me once and he was a little anxious but he was still having a great time. How's it been going for you?"

"Good and bad."

"You didn't say anything about that before."

"I know. I was trying not to, but I just want to prime the pump before I get home, so I can't weasel out of it."

"Out of what?"

"Grace isn't right there eavesdropping is she?"

"No. She's hanging out with some of her friends. They went to a movie. I'll be prodding her to get home in another hour."

Tony chuckled. "Good."

"What is it, Tony?"

"I've been feeling a little... overwhelmed lately."

"From what?"

"This isn't going to sound right. That's why I didn't want to talk about it. So please let me stumble through it and then we can talk more when I'm home."

"Okay. Shoot."

"I'm really stressed out about being...a dad."

"Tony..."

"Let me get it out."

"Right. Okay."

"I love all the kids. I really do, but trying to do everything right is... I don't feel like I am, and I don't know how and... and I'm not sure I can handle it. I just... I think I need some help doing this and figuring out what to do because I'm fumbling."

There was a moment of complete silence.

"Tony... you've seemed so completely calm and collected... It never even crossed my mind. Why didn't you tell me before?"

"Because I talked myself into believing that it was nothing, that if I said something, I'd be saying that I didn't want my family. Tim convinced me to admit it."

"Good. I'm glad he did. Tony, I know you've struggled with this before, but I thought you were doing okay."

"I was... but I'm not."

Jo chuckled. Tony was relieved.

"Okay. I'll take this over a mid-life crisis. Tony, we'll talk more when you get home. Thank you for telling me, and we'll get through it."

"Okay."

"And Tony?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you. Have fun your last couple of days, okay?"

"I'll try."

"Good."

"Love you."

"Bye, Tony."

"Bye."

Tony hung up. He sighed with relief. That had gone all right.

Tim came out.

"Tim?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

Tim's brow furrowed.

"For what?"

"I talked to Jo. Thanks."

Tim looked confused for a moment, but then, he smiled.

"Oh. You're welcome. Your turn in the bathroom."

"Yeah."

Tony went in and took his time getting ready for bed. By the time he came out, Tim was already asleep. ...or at least pretending to be.

That was a good idea, actually. He got into bed and followed suit.