Chapter 48

Over the next couple of weeks, Tim finally started the real recovery that everyone had hoped for, and it seemed that the birth of his son was the trigger. While the birth itself had been full of anxiety for him, seeing his son, holding him, helping care for him at home seemed to break through his grief and anger. That wasn't to say that he was completely back to normal in an instant, but everyone noticed the change. Dr. Hicks still met with him every day, but the visits were shorter, and Zahara was much more able to help, unencumbered by her pregnancy. The same strength she'd shown in adapting to the life she had in the U.S. was now more apparent than ever as she helped Tim through his recovery.

At the same time, Tony was finally starting to see things getting easier as Dr. Hicks had promised him they would. He still hadn't spoken to Tim and he was starting to feel guilty about avoiding the conversation he knew they needed to have, but while Tim was focused on his own recovery and on his family, Tony didn't want to push. But Ziva wasn't letting him forget it. It was still a little mind-boggling to Tony that she had suddenly confessed to loving him. They hadn't done anything about it quite yet because Ziva had been clear that she wasn't going to put herself through another self-destructive relationship, and Tony didn't blame her, but as he started to feel more like his problems were genuinely solvable, he found himself thinking about her more and more.

And in the midst of all the chaos was a growing hub of calm, something that had been missing for a long time, but something that was becoming more attainable.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Agent Lewiston."

Jack Lewiston looked up from his computer.

"Director Norton wants to see you."

This was the second time he'd be meeting with the director and Lewiston wasn't sure this kind of meeting would be what he really wanted.

"Okay."

He went up to the office and was admitted.

"Agent Lewiston, have a seat," Director Norton said.

"Yes, sir," Lewiston said and sat down. There was a moment of silence. "What can I do for you, Director?"

"What have you heard lately?"

"About what?"

"About Agent McGee."

"Who says I've been listening?"

Director Norton smiled, although it had a bit of a warning in it. "Give me a little credit, Agent Lewiston."

"Sorry, sir. Yes, I've been listening, and people are talking about Agent McGee, but in a different way."

"Why?"

"Because he finally broke his silence a few weeks ago and issued a personal warning to anyone who might be tempted to use him against his will."

"And who knows about this?"

"Pretty much everyone in that particular part of the internet."

"How do you know?"

"Because I helped spread the message."

"What?"

"Agent McGee sent his original message to a few different people, asking that we help the message get out. I did that, although I wasn't as quick out of the gate as some others."

"Like who?"

"I don't know. People better at hiding than I am at seeking...and I'm pretty good at it, sir."

"I don't doubt that. Is his message illegal?"

"No. It's truly a warning. This almost pushed him too far and he decided he couldn't deal with it and so he's warning anyone that might have the same idea that he'll push back if there's a next time. To use his words, we need to consider him obsolete or we'll be dead."

"That's extreme."

"What happened to him was extreme, sir, from what I've been able to discern."

Director Norton leaned back in his chair for a moment and then seemed to come to a decision.

"How long do you have until your retirement?"

"Um..."

"I'm not going to fire you."

"Five years, sir."

"How would you feel about having a side job?"

"I'd have to know what it is, first."

"We, meaning the federal agencies, have created a potential disaster. Too much knowledge has been laid on one man with the skills to use that knowledge any way he would like to. I know he's on our side, but if something happens to change that, I'm very worried about what could come of it. The CIA has people watching out for him, physically. Since I know you enjoy listening in on conversations, I'd like you to do it more officially. Keep your ear to the ground and listen for whispers about him. I think that we might have avoided this last issue if we'd been listening better."

"I thought listening was the job of the NSA."

"Not on U.S. soil, it's not. Are you willing?"

"Yes, sir. How much of my time do you want me to devote to this?"

"I'll leave that up to you. Look every day, but don't necessarily do anything intensive all the time. ...and yes, you can log the intensive stuff as overtime if it takes you beyond your regular duties."

Lewiston smiled. "Thank you, Director. Is there anything else?"

"No."

Lewiston stood to leave, but then, a thought occurred to him and he turned back.

"I mean no disrespect here, sir, but would your determination to keep anyone from getting at the skills and secrets Agent McGee has lead you to kill him?"

Director Norton's eyebrow went up.

"I may not be in on all the political machinations of the federal government but I'm aware that there are some who view killing as a valid strategy, and I don't know you well enough to know if you're one of them."

There was a long silence and then Director Norton smiled, but it was a dangerous smile. Not threatening at the moment, but it could trend that way.

"Agent Lewiston, that is one question you don't want me to answer."

"Understood."

"Good. But I recognize why you're asking, and if the federal government wanted to kill Agent McGee, it would only be because he was deliberately choosing to betray the country. He is far too valuable to kill instead of save."

"Understood."

"Good. That's all."

Lewiston nodded and left. As he headed back to his computer, he thought about what had just transpired. He was surprised to realize that he trusted that Director Norton was telling the truth. He might just make an effort to let Tim know that the option was there but wouldn't be used unless he made that decision.

But he'd probably wait until things calmed down a little. He was still getting used to the fact that his knowledge of what had happened in the Mustang region wasn't needed any longer.

It would be nice to be anonymous again.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tony fidgeted a little bit. He hadn't been this nervous about something possibly ever in his entire life, and since this was supposed to be the area in which he was really quite skilled, it was weird that he was. But finally, he made the decision.

"Hey, Ziva. Want to grab lunch?"

Ziva looked up.

"Sure."

They got up and left the building together. There wasn't time to go far, so they just used the food court, bought a couple of sandwiches and then walked back toward the building.

"Let's eat out here," Tony said, not really wanting an audience.

Ziva just nodded and sat down. They ate together mostly in silence, but it wasn't heavy and awkward as it could have been. Finally, Tony took a breath.

"Ziva..." Then, he stopped.

She looked up at him.

"Yes?"

There was an awkward pause and her brow furrowed in confusion.

"What is it, Tony?"

"Do you trust me enough to go on a date?" he asked.

She looked at him for a long moment in silence.

"I know that seems really awkward, but I told you that I heard you, and I mean it. I don't want to push it if you still don't trust me."

Ziva reached out and took his hand.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

"Right now?" Tony asked. "Very uncomfortable."

Ziva smiled. "No. In general. How do you feel?"

"Oh. Well... it's getting easier."

"What is?"

Tony knew what Ziva was doing. She was forcing him to be explicit about things he generally didn't enjoy talking about.

"Trying not to look at life as just one bad thing after another, trying not to blame myself for everything that goes wrong. ...that... It's getting easier."

Ziva squeezed his hand.

"Good."

Another silence.

"So... could you give me an answer, then?"

"Yes, I will go on a date with you," Ziva said. "It should be something simple for now. There are too many complications in our lives."

"Simple is good," Tony said. "I can do simple."

"Good. I will let you decide. You can call me when you know."

"Okay." Tony smiled hesitantly. "Are you okay with this?"

Ziva laughed softly. "If I wasn't, you would know."

"True."

"Now, we should get back to work."

Tony nodded. They stood up and walked together back to the building. It was only when they got to the door that Tony suddenly realized he was still holding Ziva's hand...or rather, that she was holding his. He looked down at their hands and Ziva did the same.

"No offense, but I'm not ready to be the subject of scuttlebutt just yet," Tony said.

Ziva's grin became mischievous.

"Are you embarrassed by me, Tony?"

Tony rolled his eyes.

"No. I'd just rather have some privacy to start with."

Ziva squeezed his hand once more and then let go.

"For now," she said.

Then, she opened the door and went inside. Tony followed, feeling cheered by that very-normal exchange.

Getting back to work was easy.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Tim. Could you wake up, please?"

Tim mumbled but he sank back into sleep again. It was so nice to be sleeping.

"Tim, please, wake up."

"Baba, wake up!"

Tim opened his eyes and saw Zahara smiling at him. He looked at himself and realized that he'd fallen asleep while holding Jonathan who was also sleeping.

"What time is it?" he asked, still feeling more than a little logy.

"Time to play!" Salma said, tugging on his pants.

"You have been sleeping for an hour, but I will take Jonathan and you will take Salma to the park."

"Maybe in another week or two, we'll all go," Tim said, trying to get rid of the instant anxiety that he still felt about going outside, especially with his family.

Zahara smiled as if she knew what he was feeling.

"Maybe. For now, take Salma before she wears a hole in your pants."

Tim smiled and carefully handed Jonathan to Zahara. He got up and tried to wake himself up. He was insisting on doing his part in taking care of Jonathan, but it was leaving both of them tired right now as Jonathan was not sleeping through the night.

As he started to walk to the bathroom, Zahara caught his hand.

"And tonight, we should talk... about your parents."

Tim nodded. They'd now been here for more than two months, and that was much longer than any of them had planned or really wanted. It had been great to have them around, but it was something that needed to be discussed.

"But for now, go and play."

Tim laughed at how she phrased it.

"Okay, Salma, you go potty and I'll go potty and then we'll go to the park."

"Yea!"

Salma instantly ran off. Tim went into the bathroom to splash some water on his face. Somehow, he'd managed to forget how tiring these first few weeks were when their baby kept to his own schedule. Salma just was cute enough to make all those miseries a distant memory. Jonathan was bringing them back with a vengeance.

Then, he went out and let Salma grab his hand and drag him to the door.

"Go play, baba!" she said.

Tim looked back at Zahara.

"You're okay?"

"I am fine, Tim. Go play."

They left the apartment and Tim had only a minor twinge of anxiety as they left the building and walked down the sidewalk to the park. Salma ran to the swings first this time.

"Baba, push me!"

Tim walked over and started to push Salma as she laughed delightedly. After a few minutes of that, she wanted to play in the sandbox and so Tim walked over and sat down on a bench while she played.

"Agent McGee?"

The unexpected voice and the formal address definitely got him feeling anxious that time. He turned and relaxed but was still surprised.

"Agent Bishop," he said. "What are you doing here? How do you even know to be here?"

Ellie walked over to him and smiled.

"I work for the NSA," she said. "I have great resources."

Tim couldn't help but nod at that. Far too true.

"Okay. How about my first question?"

"Baba, who that?" Salma asked, running over to him.

"I'm Ellie," Ellie said.

"I work with her," Tim said, pulling Salma onto his lap while she felt a little insecure.

"You like Norris?" Salma asked.

Tim laughed a little. Ever since meeting Norris, Salma thought all the agents were Norris and they all knew Norris.

"No, Salma," Tim said as Ellie just looked confused. "She works with me on the computer."

"Oh."

For a moment, Salma stared hard at Ellie and then, apparently, she decided it was fine and she got off Tim's lap to play in the sand some more.

"So why are you here?" Tim asked.

"Two reasons, actually. One is to officially ask how you're doing. Director Gellman wanted to know."

"Oh. I'm doing all right. I'm getting to the point that there are more good days than bad days, but I'm not quite there yet. What does the NSA know about the people who took me?"

"We know that we got the ringleaders, but we don't think we got everyone. However, while I know you probably wouldn't think it was worth it, their decision to take you made it possible for us to get them, and now we know who we're listening for."

"It's not worth it," Tim said. "If I let myself, I'd still be angry enough at what they tried to make me do to kill them...but I can't let myself. I have too much to live for." Then, he smiled as Salma jumped on the pile of sand she'd made and started kicking it around. "Leave the sand in the box, Salma."

"Yes, baba."

Tim looked at Ellie again and there was something different in her expression. He remembered that she'd said there were two reasons she'd come.

"So what's the other reason you came here?"

Now, Ellie looked a little uncomfortable.

"It's kind of the same reason... I've missed seeing you in the NSA system."

"Really?" Tim asked, surprised. "You've been suspicious of me ever since this process started. I'd have thought that you'd be relieved that I'm not up to doing that stuff right now."

"I would have thought that, too."

"So what's changed?" Tim asked.

"Baba, the slide!" Salma said, running out of the sandbox to grab his hand.

"We need to clean the sand out of your clothes, first."

Salma whined a little, but since this was always part of playing in the sand, she didn't whine very much. Tim helped her take off her shoes and empty all the sand out and then brush it out of her hair. She would definitely need a bath after this.

Then, it was time to go to the slide.

"Watch me, baba!"

"I'm watching."

As Norris had, Ellie walked along with them and stood beside Tim as he watched Salma climb up the slide.

"What's changed, Agent Bishop?"

"Me. You sent your first message to the NSA because you thought I'd be watching for it, didn't you."

"Yeah."

Ellie sighed a little. "I'm not really good at the gray areas of things. Right and wrong make so much more sense, and sometimes, I think I chose the wrong career path by applying at the NSA. It's not really the most black and white place."

"No, it's not."

"But I found a niche where I could at least pretend things were that way. Then, you came into that niche and you have carte blanche to do anything you want to. People shouldn't have that kind of power."

"I agree."

"So I thought, when everything went down and you weren't doing anything in the NSA, that I'd be happy about having you out of my niche. I thought I'd be relieved to be able to go back to pretending the gray areas don't exist. ...but I was wrong. I actually missed seeing you in the NSA system. I missed the game of trying to find you, of seeing if you were better as a designer of security or a breaker of security. I suddenly realized that I trust you, and I'm sorry it took me so long to do that. You told me once that I'd always know what side you were on, and watching what you went through to get out of that, I realized that I did know what side you were on. I just wasn't admitting it to myself."

"Baba! See me?" Salma called out from the top of the slide.

"I see you, Salma. You're doing great," Tim said, clapping for her.

Salma went down the slide and was back to the top of it again.

"If it makes you feel any better, I hate the gray areas, too. It's just that I kind of have to live in them. I can't pretend they don't exist."

"Yeah. Well, I don't want to take up any more of your time, but I wanted to let you know that I'll be looking forward to seeing you in the NSA again. When you're ready to do that."

Tim looked at Ellie once more.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes, I am. Even if I'm not sure about a lot of things, I'm sure about that. Good luck with the rest of your recovery."

"Thanks, Agent Bishop."

"You're welcome."

Tim watched as Ellie walked away from them. She might have been the first person to say that she wanted him back at work. Sure, he could mostly assume that his team felt that way, but with Tony still AWOL as far as Tim was concerned, Tim wasn't sure he could really make that assumption. And here was Ellie Bishop, who had been unsure that she even knew what side he was on, saying that she'd missed working with him.

Go figure.

He played with Salma for a few more minutes and then, it was time to go back home, and Tim noticed that, while he did want to go home, he wasn't desperate to get there. He wished he didn't have to take special note of these small steps, but he was grateful that he was taking them. Every day was getting him closer to normal.

Salma tried to jump over all the cracks in the sidewalk as they walked home. Just before they went inside, he looked over at one of his guards and made eye contact.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Before all this, the CIA was compiling a list of vetted properties for sale. Could you check and see if that list is ready?"

"Planning on moving?"

Tim smiled. "I live in a two-bedroom apartment and I just had my second child."

The guard grinned. "You're planning on moving."

"Yes."

"I'll check it out and let you know."

"Thanks."

Then, Tim went inside, feeling like today had been an important day.