This picks up right where chapter 26 left off.
Chapter 27
We sit for a moment, until her grip relaxes, and she isn't pressing into me. As angry as I want to be it can't be directed at her, as terrified as we were searching for her she's been pushed past her limits, this isn't her fault, she doesn't need me to give her discipline for runnning away.
She's gone and done that for herself. I move toward my door to get us back to driving, but her breathing stutters and she tenses. I can feel tears soaking through my shirt. "I'm not going anywhere Maddie. I'm just going to buckle your seat belt, okay?"
She's clinging to me, for some reason she needs tangible evidence that I am not going to leave for her error. Carefully, I pull back just long enough to fasten her belt. "JJ, do you mind driving us home, I think Maddie..."
"Of course Hotch." JJ must see just how overwhelmed Maddie is right now. She needs a bit to regather, and evidently my presence is helping her.
About half way home she pulls a little away from me, sits up a bit more but winces.
"When we get to our apartment I'll show you a list of therapists for you to choose who you want to start working with, then we'll set you up an appointment." I keep my tone low soothing as to not startle her.
"I get to decide with you" The same wonder in her voice as Jack had when we took him to pick out a bicycle.
"Yes, of course you do." I reply careful to keep the incredulousness at her response out of my voice.
"Can I take a pain killer before we decide" Her voice is so soft I'm surprised JJ heard it enough to reply.
"Yes, sweetie we should have thought to bring them with us to you." It had been about a week since she needed a pain killer, but JJ is right we should have realized what that her adrenaline fueled run would be incredibly uncomfortable the next morning.
Finally, Maddie is able to settle on the couch, she's flushed, and JJ is already rustling about my kitchen getting her meds.
Leaving the girls for a moment I opened the document I had made for Maddie and clicked print. I'd intended to have this discussion with her months ago. Then I'd avoided the discussion, Grabbing the list of psychologists and the description of them warm off the printer. I go join Maddie who is sipping on the water she must have used to swallow the pills.
"Please, Let me know your thoughts on these doctors." I instruct her as I hand her the files.
She nods already intently reading through the file I had compiled for her. I step away. Someone needs to call into work for the entire team that had been up through the night searching for our girl.
Hanging up with Straus I join JJ in the kitchen. She hands me tea before I can make myself coffee.
"Thanks JJ" I say as she grabs her own cup. Then we join Maddie in the living room. JJ settles next to Maddie in the couch, me in my chair.
The silence is content until Maddies finishes reading and breaks the silence.
"I can't tell" she mumbles, her voice cracking betraying just how frustrating this is for her.
"What can't you tell?" Keeping my tone calm is critical when speaking with Maddie.
"How they'll look at me. What it will feel like when they listen and talk with me. I tried to figure it out from these, but it's not something I can tell." She sits back her jilted motion relaying the exhaustion and distress trying to make this decision is causing her.
"Would you like to meet them to decide?" I offer. It's not the norm, however If I explain the situation, which is the least I can do to get rid of that distress.
"Is that possible."She asks, Maddie shouldn't be so nervous.
"I'll go set the appointments." I assure her.
"Thanks" she murmurs before I do just that.
On my way back to the living room from my office I grab two cups of coffee. How is it only 8:30 am?
"Kiddo, your in luck they are all willing to do a meet and greet with you today." It had taken identifying myself, and pleading her case. I had been able to convince multiple doctors that this process needed to begin months ago for Maddie.
"You have two hours until we leave for your first appointment kiddo, rest, I'll get you at half an hour till to get ready."
She nods leaning back. She reaches for my battered copy of Reresteraunt at the End of the Universe.
I could settle next to her. Safe, at home where she belongs, but there are emails to answer even on a sick day.
She has JJ who is content to grab a power nap, on the couch near if she needs one of us.
Four therapists office visits later, and so far none had met her approval. She had spent varying time speaking with them before she comes out and says the same words "I don't want to talk to them."
Bracing ourselves JJ and I stood up. JJ already pulling up the address of the next therapist from the expression on Maddies face.
As I drove both JJ and Maddie both seemed lost in thought.
As Maddie entered the next therapist I waited a moment then turned to JJ. "do you think she is attempting to dodge this?'
"Not, intentionally, but we both know reactions like the one she had to this run deep she might be finding reasons not accept these therapists with out even realizing what she is doing." JJ was right.
Maddie Pov
...And the frog chased the queen down the river" I recited the paragraph back tot him. This is usually the part their eyebrows shoot up at my actually fnishing reciting back the none sensical paragraph, accept for the Howards, they had just grinned, then pushed further, until...
No, I am not going back there, not even in my mind.
just nodded as I finished repeating the story back to him.
"Can you point to the biggest shape?" He asked. I pointed to the triangle, but hesitated at the next card he held up as they were almost the same size. "The square?" I swallowed.
I didn't want to get a question wrong, he'd get mad and there wouldn't be anything right away. But it would come up later, painfully, and No! I'm not in that room this isn't then .
furrowed his brow. "Why the square?"
Taking a deep breath I forged ahead. "Rather you measure by area or perimeter of these two shapes are roughly the same size the square has to be bigger." I can leave, the door is right there.
I can walk out the door and just accept the disappointment in Hotches gaze when I reject another therapist.
"Madlien, that's a well reasoned answer. I just wanted see a bit about your use of sense of depth and spatial distances. Usually these exercises lets me know a bit about how you learn a tad of how you think, but I mostly do it to help you relax. You don't seem to find these tests as boring or relaxing as I thought you might. Is there a reason you don't like them?" slid the stack of worksheet and cards away. Going so far as to gently set them out of sight.
He's the first one who noticed and bothered to ask about the square instead of narrowing in on it and giving me a dozen other cards to look at and distinguish between.
"The people who kept me locked in that room...they did tests like this often, and they didn't contaminate the actual experiment, but sometimes I could see when I said something wrong and later. Well later I'd pay for it." I look to the finger, the one that still hurts if I press it the wrong way, I used to bite my nails when I got nervous, until, one of the Howards had noticed and grabbed my hand. I'd broken my own finger trying to get my hand away after he grabbed my nail, and pulled. Bad Habits will not be tolerated.
The door was right there, all I need to do is bolt for it, JJ and Hotch are right there.
The couch seemed to have a much higher pull of gravity. I could feel my breath shudder.
"I owe you an apology then. I'm sorry for recreating those moments to you." He seemed sincere, as he sat his pen down.
Offering him a shrug "You didn't know. I didn't tellyou."
"Thank you for telling me now. It's not always easy to admit things we struggle with, can you do me a favor Maddie? It's a big one."
What does he want? I steadied my breathing but did not nod or shake my head.
"The favor is, can you tell me if I say or do something that makes you uncomfortable?"
"What?" I asked taken aback.
Your guardian Hotch gave me a brief summary of what you've been through. I want to help you, your strong so you might try to tough through things you don't feel comfortable with, I don't want that. I want you to be comfortable. You have a right to be comfortable. So I need you to let me know when something is scaring you or bringing up terrible memories." It was easy to meet his earnest gaze.
Right to be comfortable? Those words wrapped themselves around me. Somehow they felt warm, and the rush of feeling that swept through me was overwhelming but not in a bad way. "I think I like you, as for the favor, I can try."
"Thank you, I'll help you in your efforts by stopping and asking you occasionally." he smiled, bu it wasn't sinister, it was kind, patient. Like my mothers had been.
"Thanks, I, I, it's hard for me to recognize sometimes when it's things from that room...It's like a shadow I don't want to even admit exists, but it's there and every now..it feels like all I can see. I don't...I wish I was better at talking about how things are to me." I looked away. The door is right there, it's unlocked.
"That's big of you to admit Maddlien." Again, the sincerity like maybe he couldn't know how it felt, but he could understand it wasn't easy.
"I have an idea for something that might help you talk more about how you see things. It won't be easy, and you absolutely do not have to do it if your uncertain about it." Again, No condescension, he wasn't looking at me as if he had all these expectations.
"Okay?"I asked, forcing myself not to tense up. He'd given me a door out. Whatever he was going to ask of me, I had an out.
"Tell one person important to you one thing you learn about yourself each session or you reveal about yourself. It doesn't have to be profound or big it can be as simple as "I learned I might like today."" He gave a gentle smile.
"Do I have to tell you what I choose to share?"
"You don't have to tell me, but I'm always open to listening." This isn't a test, he isn't even going to be aware of the results, for the first time sittingin a therapist office the door actually feels unlocked.
" okay, I can try that." I nod.
"Thank you, now, do you want to talk about whatever prompted Your guardian to call every child therapist in DC and beg them to squeeze you in?"
"I ran away last night, Hotch he didn't want me to visit a teacher off school grounds, which I get, I do, but this teacher was held with me in captivity for years, he got it, the consequences, the anger...somehow the conversation turned to my mom, how I was too much like her. He said somethings he didn;t mean, but I just got overwhelmed, and then I remembered the door was unlocked..." Why did I run?
Hotch and JJ leapt to their feet to greet me." How did it go?" He asked.
"I like Dr. Irving." I admitted. " I want to keep working with him."
Hotch relaxed as JJ smiled. " Then we'll make another appointment soon kiddo. "
"How often would you advise Maddie work with you doctor?" He turned his attention to the doctor.
"I'd like to see her again this week. If it's alright with you we can go over her regular schedule in her session then." After Hotch nodded he turns to me.
Does that sound agreeable Madlien? You have a say in this." Kindness where I might have expected condescension. I nodded, before turning to Hotch.
Get it over with, quickly before I chicken out.
" I like Dr. Irving because he noticed I hated the tests, and he didn't make me do them again. I hate those tests. Mr. Howard used to conduct them all the time to measure how his unique curriculum was working, but they alway ended in consequences, and today when all the other doctors just got pushier, Dr. Irving didn't he helped me tell him what was wrong, and even though he knew it was hard for me, he helped me." There weren't wrong answers.
Suddenly I was yanked into Hotches arms. " Thank you for sharing this with me.
As JJ pulled me into her arms next I glanced at Hotch who shared a look with , it didn't seem to be a look meant to fly over my head like Ms. Jenny often initiated it seemed to be a confirmation of understanding that both men could begin to grasp just how stuck like glue words like that sat in my gut.
Agent Kendersons POV, 4 months ago.
"Grant, what are you saying to me?" Her tone was incredulous, as it should be.
The higher ups had been clear the only chance she had of walking free, was working for that agency. The threat of an agent distributing classified information was unacceptable, even if the indented recipient was the elite BAU of FBI.
"I know it's not ideal Em, but you need a story that matches up with the Doyle case. Doesn't give away classified information. and this is the only way Interpol plays ball." Come on Emily, this is a chance to walk back to you life, have your career and daughter. It's just a delay, you can do this, you need to do this.
"I can't go be an agent in London I have a daughter, Maddie, what if it was Jake? Your little boy. Would you fly across the world?" She demanded. This isn't my decision.
"There is no choice, I don't have the pull to give you a choice, it's this or back to your cell." She has to know I'm not calling the shots here.
" I won't shoot the messenger this time. You need to promise me this is the last time I get jerked around " She looked me in the eye as she reluctantly grabbed her file.
"You do this, go undercover and before you know it, you'll be home with Madlien and your agent Hotchner." This time I had taken precautions to ensure I would be permitted to hold up my promise to get her home.
ANANAN
Maddie has some growing and healing to do, and Emily may be being set up to come back to a less than warm welcome...:0
I really appreciate the reviews and anyone who is still reading this.
These characters have been bouncing around in my head begging to have their story told, so here it is.
I have a plan for some things that are going to happen, and it's going to be a bit of time jumping so let me know in the reviews if you want more details for these events that will just be mentioned in passing.