Storytelling all about maintaining a balance between progress and UNBRIDLED CHAOS!
PROLOGUE
RIGHT, RIGHT, SORRY! FOCUS ON THE PLOT! PLEASE CONTINUE!
{Okay... The frog and the squirrel were neck and neck in their space training... Their rivalry drove them to strive to be the best... but everything changed when a dead body was discovered...?}
...TO BE CONTINUED…
Miraculous Migraine
Episode 26: The Tale of Lady Noire and Mister Bug
By: I Write Big
It is never wise to tempt fate because fate has a sick twisted sense of humor that long ago landed fate on a sex offender list. We all know this and yet we all make that mistake.
Today was the day Ladybug and Chat Noir made that mistake.
There was a distant cry of "Miraculous Ladybug!" followed by a swarm of magical insects re-erecting the Eiffel Tower. While the city was put back together yet again, the two heroes who had saved the day watched on a nearby rooftop.
"You did pretty good today, Chat Noir," Ladybug said. Immediate horror crossed her face and she slapped her hands over her treacherous mouth. Chat Noir slowly turned to her, slack-jawed and dumbfounded.
"Did you compliment me?" he whispered.
"N-NO!" she stutter-screamed.
"You did." Chat Noir radiated joy. "You did!"
"I DID NOT!"
"Oh, Bugaboo, I knew you'd eventually like me." He wrapped her in a tight hug. "I've waited so long for your praise. Say I did good again, please!"
"You didn't let me finish!" she shrieked as she pried him off. "I was going to say you did pretty good today for a clumsy idiot who always makes things worse!"
Chat Noir gasped. "Hey! I'll have you know it's pretty tough being Chat Noir."
The scaly ears of fate pricked up. Could it be?
Ladybug scoffed. "Please! What's so hard about being a pun-spewing pervert who goes around ogling girls all day?"
"I only ogle you!" Chat Noir argued. "Puns are more complicated than they seem and being Chat Noir is more than that. What have you got to complain about? You've got the strength to headbutt someone to the center of the Earth and millions of fans. How bad could being Ladybug be?"
Fate wiped the acidic drool from its mandibles. Almost there. Almost there…
"You think this is easy?" Ladybug let out a bitter laugh. "You wouldn't last a day in my spandex."
"A day? You'd lose every one of your nine lives in the first hour!" Chat Noir sneered.
Both heroes glared menacingly into each other's eyes. Their frustration and anger broiled to the tipping point and… and… and…
"I wish we could switch places!" they both shouted at the same time.
There was a crack of thunder but no storm, a flash of light but no lightning. The heavens shook, the ground trembled. Dogs howled, cats hissed, goldfish gurgled and the ritual was complete.
"The hell was that?" Chat Noir asked. He looked around but the city appeared exactly the same.
"I dunno," Ladybug shrugged. "Anyway, I'm right, you're wrong. Fuck you!" She swung away.
Fate lit a cigarette and basked in the afterglow. Now fate only had to wait for the perfect moment.
Meanwhile, on the Liberty:
"Salutations, Miss! Would you accept this traditional hand-carved Welsh wooden spoon as a token of my affection and join me for a night out on the town?" Luka recited from his research on the various human dating customs. His practice was interrupted by the sight of his sister sulking in front of a mirror. She kept indecisively fidgeting with her bangs that covered half of her face.
"Sister, are you worried about modeling for Miss Dupain-Cheng?" he asked kindly. "That nasty photo curse was dealt with months ago. There's no need to fret."
"It's not the curse. I just… what if I'm not… " she sighed with deep insecurity, "pretty enough."
"Nonsense. You are more than pretty." He came to her and picked out a hair barrette with a happy doll-like face. He gently brushed her bangs out of the way. "You only need to pursue your dream and—WHAT IN THE NAME OF BIG RED X!"
A blinding light filled the ship!
Later, at school:
"No! NONONO! We're not modeling my clothes again!" Marinette wailed to the Adrinette Task Force. "We barely survived the last time!"
"It's cute how you forget that I own your home and can kick you and your family out if you disobey me," Alya snickered. "We're having a WMD Show for my Certain Death blog! Who wants to model?" She turned to the rest of the gang, but no hands went up. Their wounds from the last WMD Show were still fresh.
"Holy fuck! Who's the babe?" a voice behind them cried out.
Every member of the Adrinette Task Force turned and was immediately blinded by perfection. Surely an angel had fallen from heaven for there was no way a mere human could be so gorgeous. Her pristine enchanting face glistened like a diamond in the sunlight, making it almost impossible to look straight at her. But what few glimpses they caught were filled with the face of Aphrodite.
"Who is that?" Mylene asked, not daring to raise her voice above a reverent murmur.
"No clue, but she's amazing," Alix murmured back.
"What are you guys talking about?" Rose asked quite loudly, unaffected by the light. "You know who that is. It's Juleka. She's just got her hair clipped back."
Alya immediately streamed to her Would Bang blog. "I've never met that girl before but I have never been so happy to be bi," she said. Then she realized what she'd just said. "Wait, am I over Nino? Yes, finally! Look out, ladies, I'm on the rebound!"
Marinette cried tears of joy as she crawled forward and hugged the bombshell's knees. "You," she begged. "You're perfect. I must have you. Please, model for me."
"Um… Okay," Juleka sighed with a blush.
There was much rejoicing and the Adrinette Task Force carried the lovely stranger out of the school. Before Marinette could follow, Alya stopped her in her tracks. "Hold on," Alya said mischievously, "we still need to get our Technical Director." She waggled an eyebrow across the yard at… Adrien.
"GAAAH!" Marinette screamed. "Alya, stop, no, you can't let Adrien anywhere near my death-traps!"
But Alya had already pranced to the boy and pitched him the idea.
"Wow, that's kind of you to ask, Alya," he said. "But Father has a strict don't work for free policy."
"DUDE!" Nino grabbed Adrien's collar and pulled him close. "We got outta school early, your Daddy-O isn't expecting you home for another hour, and a girl is inviting you to spend that hour in another girl's room with a bunch more girls where there are no boys and no parental supervision!"
Adrien blinked. "So?"
"Adrien, bruh, as a man, I won't let you miss this once in a lifetime opportunity." Keeping with the teachings of the bro-code, Nino shoved his emergency orgy kit into Adrien's arms and said to Alya, "He'd love to."
"Great! By the way, Nino, I'm over you," Alya added smugly.
"That's wonderful! I'm happy for you, Alya," he replied sincerely.
"Ugh! Don't be supportive! Be jealous! How do you suck at being an ex more than at being a boyfriend?!"
Later in Marinette's Room:
Marinette shivered over her jewelry box. Not only was the stunning nameless beauty in her room but so was her Adrien. She kept stealing glances at her one and only as he examined the contents of the box Nino had given him.
"Let's see," Adrien read from the orgy kit's instruction manual. "'The key to any orgy is making sure everyone is enjoying themselves. Use the provided dildos as necessary. Remember, there's no such thing as too much lube.'"
Marinette sighed dreamily. Her heart couldn't take it! "Relax, Marinette," she told herself. "He's just here to lend his fashion expertise to the photoshoot. Nothing else. It's only weird if you make it weird."
"Yo, Marinette, check out all the condoms Adrien brought," Alya said, tossing several fistfuls of latex in her face.
"GAAAH!"
"Ha! Gotcha! Those weren't condoms, those were balloons."
"Alya! Enough! I just want to get through this without any of us dying!"
"She's ready!" Rose sang.
Everyone turned to see their flawless new friend by the window. The way Marinette's designs contoured to her body somehow made her even more beautiful. Everyone was enraptured.
"So magnificent..." whispered Mylene.
"So cool..." whispered Alix.
"I wanna tap that," purred Alya.
"Wowie-zowie, they love you today, Juleka," Rose said. "They're looking at you like you're a simperscar."
Juleka mumbled, "superstar," shyly.
Then, out of nowhere, bladed boomerangs crashed through the window and began twirling their deadly edges around the room. Screams rang out and the teens dove to the floor.
"GAAAH! It's starting! My WMD has summoned the ghostly wrath of Australia! Quick, somebody change my design!"
"Hold up," Alya said, eagerly recording the terrified faces for her Life or Death blog. "That's our Technical Director's department. Adrien, what do you think?"
Adrien crawled over to Marinette, reading out loud the instructions from Nino's box. "Hmmm, 'first you need to break the ice with a classic party game of Spin The Bottle with the provided bottle and start making out.' Good advice. Wait, there's no bottle in this kit. Anybody got a bottle?"
"No! Here!" Marinette shoved him her jewelry box.
"Ooh, I like these. They'll compliment her top," he said, picking out a pair of green earrings.
"Fine, great, whatever! Hurry!" Marinette chucked the earrings across the room and Juleka put them on.
As if someone had flipped a switch, the boomerangs dropped to the floor and twirled no more. "We're clear!" Marinette announced. "Most beautiful girl I've ever seen and don't know the name of, whatever you do, don't take off those earrings. Let's shoot this now!"
The lights and reflectors were put in place around Juleka. With every addition, the more suffocated the girl felt. She was finally getting what she wanted and it scared her. In her imagination, the lens of Marinette's camera grew and grew until it became a gaping black hole lined with razors! Breathing became impossible and her chest tightened like a vice! Juleka tore off the hair barrette and her bangs fell back into place.
Everything stopped.
"Juleka? When did you get here?" Alya asked. "Where did that sexy chick I wanna bang go?"
"No!" Marinette wailed. "Without my perfect model, my designs will look hideous!"
"Don't worry, we have an understudy." Alya turned expectantly to Adrien. "What do you say, new model?"
"Oh, we're already up to the cross-dressing stage?" Adrien flipped through the instructions. "Jeez, how did we skip the sensual oil massages?"
"I'll take that as a yes. And he'll need a modeling partner." Alya draped an arm over Marinette's shoulder.
"Wait, me?" Marinette scrambled to get away. "No, NO!"
As the rest of the Adrinette Task Squad shoved Adrien and Marinette behind the same privacy divider and chanted, "Strip! Strip! Strip!" Rose took Juleka's hand.
"Juleka, what happened? Were you too antiheasive?"
Her girlfriend couldn't even correct Rose's butchering of apprehensive. Shame coursed through Juleka like burning acid, robbing her of her voice. She went to a corner to mope.
Meanwhile, Marinette stood side by side with her Adrien and only a thin wall of wood to give them privacy from the rest of the room. The latter was still reading the orgy instruction manual. The former was on the verge of fainting. The thin wall of wood politely averted its gaze. Nothing stood between Marinette and the boy. A matching pair of outfits were tossed over the divider to them.
"Get changed, you two. Take your time," Alya called.
"Alya, I have a bathroom!"
There was a SMASH of porcelain and tile!
"Not anymore," Alya informed.
Marinette opened her mouth to curse a storm that would've made the saltiest of sailors wince when she heard the distinct ruffle of a pair of pants dropping to the floor. She didn't dare look. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Tikki discreetly popping her head out of her purse.
"Is he…?" Marinette whispered.
"Yes, he is." Tikki gave an impressed nod, her eyes glued to the taboo sight. "Whoa, I think I'm starting to see the appeal. You're missing the show, Marinette."
"It's not right! I am not looking! I am not looking! I'm not—"
"Hey, Marinette," Adrien's voice cut in. "I've never worn skin-tight pants before. Can you help me with the zipper?"
Marinette's eye twitched.
"Big Red X damn, no wonder he's having trouble with the zipper. That thing's bigger than me," Tikki said.
Marinette covered her steaming face and breathed, "I can't, I can't, I can't, I—"
ZIIIIIIP.
"Thanks, Marinette."
Marinette peeked through her fingers and saw Tikki return smugly to her side. As Marinette came to terms with what Tikki had just done, Adrien finished getting dressed and donned the various accessories, including a silver, non-Miraculous ring.
"Man, wait, I wanna see you help her get dressed," Plagg whispered.
"She doesn't need my help, Plagg. She made these clothes," Adrien replied. "And don't worry about me not having the Miraculous. It'll only be for less than an hour. What's the worst that can happen?"
Power surged through fate's veins. Two incantations in one day? Never had fate been so tempted. Fate eagerly clicked its slimy pincers just as Adrien slipped off the Ring of the Black Cat.
Adrien stared at the still in existence Plagg. "How are you…?"
Plagg stared at his still in existence self. "No idea."
A few feet away, Marinette hissed at Tikki, "I was gonna do it!"
"No, you weren't."
"I was so gonna do it!"
"No, you weren't."
"Screw you! You're not getting in my way today!" With her newfound spite-fueled confidence preparing her to fix any of Adrien's wardrobe malfunctions, even if she had to cause a few, Marinette ripped off her earrings.
Fate clicked its pincers again.
Marinette stared. "Why are you still here?"
Tikki stared back at her. "I ask myself that every day."
Choosing not to question this sudden change to long-established rules, Marinette dropped the Miraculous earrings into her purse and whipped around, ready to see her Adrien in all his glory. "Alright, Adrien, any more zippers you need—" But all she managed to see was a leg vanishing at a pleasant pace around the divider. Marinette's teeth clenched together so hard they started to crack.
"You snooze, you lose," Tikki taunted. "You want me to draw you a picture of what he was packing? I'm gonna need an extra-large canvas."
"FUCK!"
A few minutes later:
Fuming pure sexual frustration, Marinette finally came out, dressed identically as Adrien.
"Great! We have our models," Alya cheered. "Now let's take this outside."
"Oh! This is an outdoor voyeur thing?" Adrien scoured the manual. "I think that's in the advanced chapters."
"Fine, whatever!" Marinette growled.
Adrien was dragged downstairs by the Adrinette Task Force with Marinette stomping behind.
"Wait, Marinette," Rose called and pointed to the girl hugging her knees in the corner. "I think something is bothering Juleka."
"I don't give a fuck!" Marinette slammed the door behind her.
Rose, however, did give a fuck. "Who was it, Juleka? Who was a meanie to you? I'll make them pay," she promised, drawing her pocket knife.
"Nobody. I'm fine," Juleka sighed with a strained smile. And it was the truth. Not the her-being-fine part, but nobody had been a meanie to Juleka... except herself. "Go with everyone. I'll catch up."
Rose shuffled in place, unsure if this was right, but obeyed. She gave Juleka a quick peck on the cheek and followed the Adrinette Task Force.
Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:
A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man on the verge of fatherly tears. "How is it that this one girl gets all the serious life problems? Why can't she get a break and instead be slowly driven insane by a demon unless she's freed by a kiss of love, like Nathalie? Speaking of which, how's the date going?" he asked into his majestic cane.
On the other end, Duusu watched Nathalie suffer through coffee and croissants with some nobody pigeon-lover who kept saying "RRROOOOO!" The kwami smiled a sadistic smile. "She's doing great, Gabe. I can already hear the wedding bells."
"Wonderful! Keep me posted, I'm going to have a heart-to-heart with a lonely kid."
Duusu knew what that meant and eagerly grabbed its feather boa.
Back at Marinette's:
The Adrinette Task Force stowed their supplies in the trunk of Adrien's limo and piled into the backseat. Ape-Man looked at the new passengers and Adrien's new outfit that showed off his non-existent cleavage and his new purse and his new lip gloss and his new mini-skirt and the new bubblegum-pink bra-straps cresting over his shoulders.
"I'm having fun with my friends," Adrien happily explained, batting his eyelashes which had a fresh coat of mascara.
Ape-Man started the engine and silently thought about how he always knew this would eventually happen.
The limo drove off, passing a black butterfly that fluttered up to Marinette's room. The insect shattered on Juleka's wrist-mirror and a pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face. She saw the visage of a silver-masked man.
"Sucks, huh?" Hawkmoth said gently.
"Yeah," Juleka sighed. "What the hell is wrong with me?"
"There's no shame in being camera-shy. We all get scared sometimes and I won't judge if you need to cry. But when you're ready, maybe I could teach you a couple of techniques my son uses to get over that camera-shyness."
There was a pause.
"You're not going to akumatize me?" Juleka asked, the first of the held back tears began to bud.
"No, kiddo, this isn't the time or the place. Let it out."
And she was about to, she was about to shed every drop she'd been keeping in for the last twenty minutes until a little blue feather shattered on Juleka's hair barrette and she also saw the visage of a feather-covered woman. "Orrrrr you can scream it out and (make everyone feel your suffering!") Mayura cackled.
"For the love of Big Red X! Mayura, you're supposed to be on the date!"
"Told him I had to use the lady's room. (That means I've got thirty minutes of free time!") Her demonic red eyes flared and Hawkmoth fizzled from Juleka's sight. "So, what's it gonna be, human? Therapy or (anarchy?")
Juleka grinned. "Anarchy!" She was swallowed by bubbling darkness. The bubbling mass expanded until it burst through the roof of the Dupain-Cheng residence. Everyone gawked as the darkness cleared and they saw Reflekdoll, a giant pink doll mecha!
"Hi there, new fwiends!" the girly mecha innocently waved to the Parisians. "Does anybody wanna play Tea Time wiff me? I bwought scones!"
Inside Reflekdoll's head, Juleka finished transforming into Reflekta and jammed her massive hair barrette into a slot in the floor. The rungs of a ship's steering wheel sprouted out the edges and she gave it a spin.
Reflekdoll rumbled and gripped its metal tummy. "Uh oh, I don't feel so good. I think I need to go potty—BLEEEEGH!"
A powerful pink ray fired out of the mecha's mouth! The people it struck were turned into Reflektas!
"Oops, I'm sowwy, I didn't me—BLEEEEEEGH!"
Another blast and another and another! The entire block was now populated by Reflektas!
"Excuse me," Reflekdoll burped.
Later, near the Eiffel Tower:
The WMD Show was in full swing! Alya was taking dozens of photos of Adrien with the landmark behind him. Each image was hotter than the last.
"Si! Si! Show me lasagna! The camera loves you, Adrien!" Alya said in her best overly Italian accent. "Marinette, get in there!"
The bluenette huffed. "What's the point, Alya? You know the second I do something is going to get in the way."
"That's where you're wrong, girl." Alya smirked and waved around them. The Adrinette Task Force was in position. Mylene was directing all foot traffic to move in the opposite direction. Rose swiped her pocket knife at any birds that got too close. Alix appeared in a blue mini-nuclear explosion and installed a plasma shield over the area in case of an alien invasion. "You're also forgetting that Adrien is a professional model. He'll do anything I say for the camera. And I mean anything," Alya finished with a wink.
Marinette didn't know how to react to that. "Wait. Anything?"
"Love scene time! Adrien, sweep this girl off her feet!"
There was a blur of motion and Marinette was suddenly wrapped in her Adrien's arms. He dipped her backward and leaned so close that she could taste his cheese breath. His half-lidded bedroom eyes sent her heart into overdrive.
"Hotter!" Alya demanded.
Adrien brushed the stray hairs from Marinette's face and traced his perfect fingers down her cheek. The simple act somehow managed to triple her heart rate.
"I said, hotter!"
His arms constricted and suddenly Marinette was pressed against him. His thumb came up and brushed across her lips. The edges of Marinette's vision were getting fuzzy.
"HOTTER DAMMIT!"
And then… Marinette suddenly felt the texture of warm marble. It took a moment, but Marinette realized that Adrien had taken her hands and slipped them under his shirt. The abs she'd missed before were now hers. And they were glorious.
Everything went GLAAAWLALAAAAAAALLLL!
"...Uh… Alya, is this part of the photoshoot?" Adrien asked after Marinette went limp in his arms.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Alya got a close-up of Marinette's O-Face. "Do that thing with your abs again!"
THUD! THUD! THUD!
Everyone turned to see Reflekdoll towering over them. "Hi there, new fwiends," it said.
Adrien hugged Marinette protectively, snapping her back to life. "Huh? What? Where am I? What the fuck is that thing?!" she stammered.
"Does anyone wanna play Patty Ca—" Reflekdoll made a sick face. "Uh oh, I don't feel so—BLEEEEGH!" and it upchucked another powerful pink ray, destroying the plasma shield and forcing the group to scatter. Marinette scrambled behind some stairs.
"Figures," she ranted. "Just when things were getting good. I'll show this bitch what happens when people mess with me. Tikki, spots on!"
Nothing happened.
"Tikki?"
She touched her plastic, green, non-Miraculous earrings.
"FUCK!"
On the other side of the battle, Adrien hid behind a pillar and groaned. "Oh man, just when I was about to teach Marinette how to do the abs thing. Maybe another day. Plagg, claws out!"
Nothing happened.
"Plagg?"
He looked at his faux, silver, non-Miraculous ring.
"FUCK!"
In the locked trunk of the Agreste Limo:
Plagg and Tikki stared at their Miraculous jewelry, not worn by anyone, and yet, somehow, they still existed.
"Babe, do you know what this means?" Plagg asked.
"We don't need humans to keep us in this plane of reality anymore!" Tikki cheered.
"And we can bang whenever we want!"
Tikki stopped mid-cheer, looked like she was going to protest, but then changed her mind and shrugged. "Yeah, sure, why not?"
In the driver's seat, Ape-Man's Curious George marathon was interrupted by the limo's sudden rocking. At first, he thought a pair of somethings were rolling around in the trunk but then he saw Reflekdoll nearby and decided the monstrous robot was a more plausible explanation. Donning his ballet shoes, he charged into battle.
"Oooh!" Reflekdoll cooed when it saw him. "I love your sho—BLEEEEEGH!"
Ape-Man was struck by the beam and morphed into another Reflekta. Ape-Man-Reflekta froze on the spot. He saw his new lithe feminine body wearing a frilly pink skirt and he shed a single happy tear. It had finally happened. He was at last the ballet dancer he always wanted to be. Ape-Man-Reflekta pirouetted through the air with the grace of a swan and danced to the song in his heart. While Reflekdoll was preoccupied with watching this unexpected performance, Adrien and Marinette snuck their way to the limo.
"Quick, hide in the car," Adrien said when he saw Marinette.
Before she could stutter out a poor attempt at flirting where she'd suggest they both hide in their together, a metal hand crushed the limo's roof.
"Oops! Sowwy," Reflekdoll said sincerely.
"Marinette!" Reflekta's voice sneered from within. "You left me behind! I was supposed to be the star of the show!"
Marinette blinked. "Wait. Nameless hot girl? You got akumatized? Why do you look exactly like Juleka's Akuma?"
"I am Juleka! We're the same person! I just clipped back my bangs, you idiot!" she roared.
"Pfft! Yeah, right!" Marinette scoffed. "Like covering your eyes completely masks your identity. That's silly." To prove her point, she covered her eyes with her hands.
Adrien gasped. "Marinette?! Where did you go?"
Marinette pulled her hands away and stared perplexed at Adrien.
"Oh, there you are, Marinette. Whew, got scared for a second."
Marinette cleared her throat. "Okay, that's a bad example—"
"BLEEEEEGH!"
Marinette was struck and morphed into another Juleka! "FUCK!"
Reflekdoll picked up the limo before Adrien could pry open the trunk and blasted him into a Reflekta too before chucking the vehicle across the city.
Across the city:
Mayura clapped at the destruction. "Ooh, what fun! What fun! (What fun! WHAT FU—")
SMASH!
Hawkmoth suddenly had a clear connection to Reflekta. He didn't know how or why.
The upside-down limo's trunk popped open and everything tumbled out, including Tikki and Plagg.
"Woooo! Best bang-session ever!" Plagg whooped through the dizziness.
"I think I'm going to be sick," Tikki gurgled. "Did we hit anything?"
Plagg deliriously looked around the wreck's corner and spotted a pair of blue legs sticking out from under the car. A very familiar shade of blue. "Uh… nothing important," he said carefully.
Tikki then saw Reflekdoll blasting humans in the distance. "Oh. Great. How the fuck are we supposed to find them?"
"No-clue!-Oh-look-I-found-my-Miraculous!-Gotta-find-my-human!-Don't-look-on-the-side-of-the-car-with-the-legs-sticking-out,-I-already-checked-there,-bye!" Plagg quickly said and zipped back to the battle with his ring. "Adrien? Adrien? Adrien?" he called to the dozens of identical Reflektas.
And at this moment, fate grinned wolfishly and put into motion its sick plan.
As fate would have it, because fate is also kind of a control freak, Plagg locked eyes with a Reflekta. There was a flash of recognition in those eyes and Plagg floated over.
The Reflekta cowered behind a tree and begged in a familiar girl's voice, "Please don't hurt me! Have mercy, Plagg!"
"Marinette? Wait, mercy?" Plagg suddenly remembered his Mastermind Plotter persona. "I mean, yes, your groveling has pleased me, puny human. Obey me! Aid me in my search for my human Ad—" A pillar of bubbles erupted from Plagg's mouth. It was so powerful that the Miraculous ring flew out of his grip. "CRAP!"
Marinette-Reflekta—partially due to instinct and partially due to not wanting to invoke the world-ender's wrath—reached out to grab the falling ring. Fate, the greasy bastard, gave the ring a little nudge and the jewelry slipped right onto Marinette-Reflekta's finger.
It suddenly got very quiet.
"Marinette, you don't want that. Give me the ring," Plagg said in that certain calm tone that told the world they were really on the verge of freaking out.
"Why? What's going to happen?" Marinette-Reflekta sputtered in a panic. "Are you going to turn me into a monster who claws out people's—" In a blast of black Marinette transformed. Her body was wrapped in leather, her eyes became green and slitted, her hair lengthened into a long black braid that reached the ground. The new superheroine stood in awe of her new form. What coursed through her wasn't raw strength but bottomless energy, as if she could race around the world without breaking a sweat. She felt light, she felt excited, she felt—
"Oh no..." Marinette blushed. "I feel horny."
Meanwhile, Ape-Man-Reflekta finished his epic dance with a final plie. The audience of Reflektas and the giant Reflekdoll all applauded.
"GAAAAAAAAAAH!" Marinette leaped over the crowd and whacked Reflekdoll with her battle-staff over and over again, desperately, like a kid trying to break open a piñata. The mecha stumbled back to the Eiffel Tower as Marinette continued her assault, screaming, "Make it go away! Stop thinking naughty thoughts! Why can't I stop staring at everyone's butts?!"
WHAM!
A metal fist crushed her.
"Yay!" Tikki huzzahed at the smear that used to be Marinette. "She's dead! Finally! I'm free!" But then the smear started to radiate with black magic and rebuild itself. "Oh. Nine lives. Right." The kwami grumbled at the Miraculous earrings she'd recovered and began to search for the Reflekta that was the most fascinated with their boobs.
"It's the way they bounce. You just can't look away. Almost hypnotic," Adrien-Reflekta mumbled to his reflection.
"Hey," Tikki said.
"Whoa! Are you LB's kwami—"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. There was a mixup, my human got the Cat Miraculous, and we need you to be Ladybug today. I'm assuming, as a boy, you never got your ears pierced?" Tikki held up the sharp needles of the Miraculous earrings.
Adrien-Reflekta gulped.
Back with Marinette:
"Short skirts everywhere!" Marinette wailed, crippled by the hundreds of Reflektas around her. "They're so short! Why can't I stop staring?! I'm not even into girls!"
SMASH!
Another metal fist. Another smear. Another life.
There was a distant cry of pain in the distance.
Back with Adrien:
"Why do girls do this to themselves?!" Adrien-Reflekta cried.
"Quit your bitching," Tikki scolded the bleeding boy. "Say, 'Tikki, spots on,' and let's get in there before Plagg gets her pregnant."
"Before what?!"
"Trust me, there's a reason why Plagg doesn't work with females. You'll see what I mean in a minute. By the way, I'm gonna have to make your costume extra tight to show off your abs. It's the only way she can control herself."
"Oh." Adrien-Reflekta wiped away the tears and the blood and actually looked kinda eager. "Sure! I can't wait to show off my sick abs to M'Lady. Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red, he transformed. He was clad in red polka-dotted spandex which, like Tikki said, gripped his torso like a second skin. Every inch of his chiseled bod was on full display. Nothing was left to the imagination. Nothing. "Woo! Wow! I've never felt so... strong! Like I could punch the moon! Woo-hooo!"
He punched the air and accidentally struck a pigeon. The bird rocketed into the atmosphere. A distant airplane exploded.
"Sorry," Adrien called.
With a single bound, he launched himself across the city and landed between his Lady and Reflekdoll's metal fist. He stopped the deadly punch with his pinky.
"No need to fear, my Lady Noire, Mister Bug is here," he said, striking his tried and true super-pose.
And, for once, it worked.
Before he knew what was happening, a pair of leather-covered hands raked their claws over his rippling abs like he was a scratching post. "Yes, call me Lady Noire again, Mister Bug." His Bugaboo moaned the names in a way that made his already tight spandex even tighter.
"Uh… are you feeling okay, Lady Noire?" he asked through his suddenly dry throat.
"Mmmmeow." She rubbed her cheek against his stone-cut six-pack. "Now that you're here, everything is purrr-fect."
"Okay, timeout!" Mister Bug shoved Reflekdoll back and the giant mecha stumbled and fell. He pulled Lady Noire behind a pillar and glared into her heart-shaped eyes. "Since when do you pun and since when do you do the groping? What has gotten into you, Bugaboo?"
Bugaboo seemed to snap Lady Noire out of her dreamy stupor. She shook her head until the hearts went away. "I don't know!" she said, clearly panicking. "I keep staring at people's boobs and legs and butts and your abs and all I can think about is how I… I… I… I want to touch them! Every one of my waking thoughts is about sex!"
Mister Bug stared at her. "They aren't normally?"
Lady Noire stared back at him. "NO!"
And yet another life lesson was learned. "Ooooooh," Mister Bug said.
"What? What ooooh?"
"This must be what Plagg meant by girls think differently than boys."
"Think differently than—Wait, are you saying..." Terror shivered down Lady Noire's spine.
"M'Lady." Mister Bug put a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. Lady Noire's horny mind immediately desired to know how that thick and rugged hand would feel on her ass. "You're thinking like a boy."
Meanwhile, Hawkmoth peered through Reflekta's eyes and saw that Ladybug and Chat Noir had somehow switched Miraculouses. However this fortunate accident occurred, it was clear they were not dealing with the switch well.
"Reflekta, they're vulnerable, get them!" he ordered.
"What about me and my emotional problems?"
"Priorities, Reflekta!"
Reflekta sighed, used to being ignored, and aimed the mecha at the duo.
"Juleka!" Rose swung through one of the mechanical eyes. Reflekta immediately blasted her into another Reflekta. Undeterred, Rose-Reflekta drew her pocket knife. "You made me promise to stop you if you got akumatized again so that's what I'm gonna do!" She charged!
"Oof!" Reflekdoll groaned, gripping its mechanical cranium as the lovers' quarrel ensued inside. "Owie, my head hurts, I'm getting dizz—BLEEEEEGH!"
"Look out!" Mister Bug dove-tackled Lady Noire out of the way. The beam chopped the pillar they'd been hiding behind into chunks. A heavy slab crushed Lady Noire. "BUGABOO! NOOOO!" Before he could cry, black magic radiated from the cat-pancake. "Oh. Nine lives. Right." He scooped up the regrowing remains and carried them with him as he dodged the wild blasts.
"Make it stop!" Lady Noire demanded when she had a mouth again. "Your arms are like thick pythons that I just wanna curl up into! GAAAH! Make it stop!"
Mister Bug clumsily lassoed the Eiffel Tower and swung them sloppily out of harm's way. "Just stop thinking!"
"Stop what?" Her fingers were already digging into his supple biceps. Scrumptious came to mind.
"Thinking! Just don't do it. You know, like holding your breath. Don't think."
Lady Noire stopped sniffing Mister Bug's hair. "Boys can do that?"
Mister Bug stopped sniffing Lady Noire's hair. "Girls can't?"
They smacked into a steel girder and landed unceremoniously on an upper level of the Eiffel Tower. The impact snapped Lady Noire's spine. Four lives down.
"After them, Reflekta!" Hawkmoth ordered.
Inside the Sentimonster, Reflekta broke out of Rose-Reflekta's headlock long enough to spin the steering wheel and Reflekdoll began to scale the tower.
After the black magic brought Lady Noire back, she begged Mister Bug, "How do I stop thinking?!"
"Just turn off your brain. Think about nothing," he said.
Lady Noire tried. She really did. She scrunched her face, took deep calming breaths, and relaxed. She delved deep within herself and found her inner Nirvana. For about five seconds. At the sixth second, fate dropped the latest issue of Gabriel magazine onto her face and ruined everything.
"Oh fuck," Mister Bug said.
Lady Noire peeled off the image of Adrien Agreste modeling this month's new Gabriel Brand boxers and turned her heart-shaped eyes to the crowd of panicking Reflektas.
"I should find hot stuff and show him my new costume," she said with a sultry smirk. "Three minutes with this leather and we'll both be feline real good." She slinked towards the people… and the Akuma.
"Wait!" Mister Bug got in front of her and frantically pulled out his yo-yo. "Wouldn't you rather see me screw up? Oh boy, a mirror would be the perfect weapon in this fight. I sure hope my powers do as I ask and give me a mirror. Lucky Charm!" He tossed up the yo-yo and down came… a polka-dotted mirror.
The sight of it jerked Lady Noire back to reality. "IT FUCKING LISTENS TO YOU?!" she bellowed.
"Well, what do you know, easy win." Mister Bug shrugged and held the mirror over the railing just as Reflekdoll BLEEEGHed. The pink ray bounced off the reflective surface, went through the mecha's eye, and struck Reflekta.
Reflekta blinked. "FU—" Reflekta exploded.
"JULEKA!" the blood-covered Rose-Reflekta screamed.
"I hate you so much," Lady Noire glared daggers at Mister Bug.
"Don't worry, M'Lady, not all of us can be natural superheroes," he bragged as he captured the black butterfly in his yo-yo. "I'm sure Juleka will be fine after I use Mirac—"
"CATACLYSM!" Lady Noire screamed at the top of her lungs and leaped over the edge.
Down below:
Refekdoll flexed its metal hands. It could move on its own again. "I'm fwee? I'm fwee!" The mecha hugged itself. "Finally, I can be best fwiends wiff evewybody without hurting them!"
Lady Noire's paw collided with her head. Ultimate Destruction filled the Sentimonster, but instead of crumbling it to dust, the magic cracked the metal in multiple places and sent its programming on the fritz!
"Destwoy all humans!" Reflekdoll beeped at Lady Noire.
"Uh oh," she said.
SMASH!
Five lives used.
"Bugaboo!" Mister Bug lassoed the squishy remains to him and hid as Reflekdoll glitched and spun and uncontrollably BLEEEEGHed blast after blast into the city. Hawkmoth ducked out of the way of the pink ray that shot through his spiral window.
"Mayura! Your Sentimonster is out of control! Call it back!" he shouted into his cane.
With Mayura:
The pair of blue legs continued to lay under the limo.
"Mayura?" Hawkmoth's muffled voice called.
No response.
Meanwhile, behind a chimney:
"We'd won. Why did you do that?" Mister Bug asked when Lady Noire became solid again.
"I… wanted to prove that I could use your powers too," the girl awkwardly admitted, which made the boy grin a wide goofy grin.
"D'awww! M'Lady, you're so cute when you're jealous." He pulled her in for one of his classic hugs. To his surprise, she began to purr and… snuggle.
"NO!" Lady Noire abruptly ripped away and charged at Reflekdoll, frantically swinging her staff. "Make it stop!"
STOMP! Six lives.
"I don't want this!"
STOMP! Seven lives.
"I can't focus!"
STOMP! Eight lives.
"Focus?" Mister Bug whispered to himself. He suddenly remembered what Tikki had said. 'It's the only way she can control herself.' All color drained from the world and Mister Bug experienced his first-ever Lucky Vision. Sudden polka-dots colored in Lady Noire and… his abs. Mister Bug knew what he had to do. He lassoed Lady Noire and pulled her back behind the chimney. "Focus on my abs," he told her.
She blushed. "Huh?"
"You can't stop thinking, so think only about my abs," he instructed. He leaned close and flexed his stomach muscles to the max. "Push out all other thoughts. There is nothing but my abs. The world doesn't exist except for my abs."
"W-What are you talking about? Get those… out of my… face…" The heart-shaped eyes returned and her claws reached out for a scratch. "I want—" Mister Bug grabbed her wrists.
"Not until we defeat the Sentimonster," he said firmly.
Lady Noire froze. The hearts were gone. In their place, he saw the unwavering confidence and fierce determination he loved. Ladybug was back. "Let's do this then," she said. Lady Noire stood tall and proud, extended her battle-staff, and ducked behind Mister Bug. The pink ray that should've hit him impossibly bent around him at the last second.
"Whoa..." Mister Bug whimpered. "I just nearly pissed myself."
"Listen to me carefully, Mister Bug," Lady Noire said. "Hold your Lucky Charm tightly and throw it as hard as you can at the Sentimonster."
He stared at her. "You're serious?"
"It never fails. Almost."
Mister Bug supposed that was true. Taking careful aim, he hurled the polka-dotted mirror at Reflekdoll with all his Amazonian might. The thick disk whistled through the air at breakneck speed!
And missed.
Mister Bug and Lady Noire watched the mirror disappear over the horizon.
"Oops," Mister Bug said. "I hope that doesn't hit anything important."
In the hidden tower:
"FUCK!" Hawkmoth screamed as he ducked. The mirror sliced through his hidden tower and kept going.
In New York City:
The mirror sliced through the Statue of Liberty and kept going.
In Hawaii:
The mirror sliced through a volcano and kept going.
In Japan:
The mirror barely missed slicing through Godzilla and kept going.
In the Miraculous Temple:
"So this is the In-ter-net?" the Elder Monk asked the IT guy who had just finished wiring the Temple's wifi. He gave his new laptop a few taps. "What's it for?"
"Mostly porn," the IT guys said.
The mirror sliced through the wall behind them and kept going.
Across Paris:
The mirror sliced through the Agreste limo, knocking the vehicle back on its wheels. Mayura sat up, groggy. "Wha' did I miss?"
Back in the fight:
"Get down!" Lady Noire screamed and tackled Mister Bug to the ground. The mirror sailed over them and sliced straight through Reflekdoll's head. The mecha's eyes twitched a few times and then the whole thing exploded.
"Told ya," Lady Noire sassed as Mister Bug captured the feather. The boy accepted the unexpected victory with a smile and cast Miraculous Mister Bug.
Every Reflekta was morphed back to their normal selves.
The Agreste limo was repaired and returned.
Juleka reformed back into her normal self and was promptly hugged and kissed by Rose. "Did… Did I explode?"
"And the day is officially saved," Lady Noire said. She immediately lunged for Mister Bug's abs. "GIMME!"
Back at the hidden tower:
Hawkmoth heaved a weary sigh. Yet another failure. It was so disheartening. Nathalie then came stumbling in, spilling her blood bucket everywhere.
"Nathalie, you're back!" Gabriel de-transformed and quickly joined her. "How was the date?"
"I'd rather not talk about it, sir," she said sullenly as Duusu brought her a chair.
"That bad, huh? You have to tell me every little detail," Gabriel insisted as Duusu brought him a chair as well. The kwami also plopped a small dining table between them on which sat a single red rose.
"Um..." Nathalie watched Duusu pour them glasses of wine, light some scented candles, and start a violin solo on Gabriel's phone. This entire setup was extremely romantic, she realized. "Are you sure?" she asked carefully.
Gabriel continued to smile gently at her, not seeming to register their surroundings. "I want to hear everything you have to say." And he did. She could see that. And she could also see this was her opportunity. So she washed her bloody mouth with a sip of wine and began to tell him about her awful day.
Nooroo shook its bulbous head at Duusu who watched its ship prepare for its maiden voyage with proud watery eyes. "Okay, I'm confused. You're sending her on dates and then you're pulling this? Are you trying to get them together or not?"
"Shush! It's cute!" Duusu said.
Back with heroes:
"You said I could have them!" Lady Noire roared as she chased Mister Bug across the rooftops.
"M'Lady! Stop!" he called back, hearing his earrings beep already. "We need to separate before we de-transform!"
"Not until I get what's mine! C'mere, buggaboy! Kitty wants to play—WAAA!" A misstepped foot and Lady Noire accidentally skewered her head through the antennae of a satellite TV dish.
"And that's all nine lives." Mister Bug sighed in relief. He carried her body to an alleyway and gave her hand one last goodbye kiss. "You look good in leather," he said as he left. By the time the black magic brought her back, he was long gone. In a blast of black, she de-transformed back to Marinette. An exhausted Plagg appeared with an apologetic look.
"Dude," he said. "I am so sorry that happe—"
"Forgive me, Great Destroyer!" Marinette groveled on the greasy concrete and shakily held up a macaron as an offering. "I didn't mean to steal your strength! Don't end me! I beg you!"
"Oh! Right! Um, uh." Plagg cleared his throat and took the macaron. "Your sacrifice pleases me, puny human. I shall spare you or whatever."
"Oh thank you, thank you, merciful Bringer of Doom." Marinette bowed repeatedly and dared to make a request, "And maybe, if you see fit, go a bit easy on Chat Noir. It's no wonder he's so obsessed with me if he's got you scrambling his head."
"Scrambling his head? Me?" Plagg scoffed. "Nah, I don't have that effect on guys, I'm just not good with chicks. I don't know why, maybe it has something to do with the estrogen, but for some reason I drive chicks to crazily chase the person they love."
There was a pause.
"But I..." Marinette gulped and laughed nervously. "But I chased Chat Noir."
"Y'up."
"You're not saying…"
"I try not to say anything."
"But I was obsessed with everything remotely attractive!" she reasoned. "I was even sizing up some baguettes back there!"
"You did, and out of all the French beauties in the City of Love you only chased him."
There was another pause.
"Sidenote: it's gonna be nearly impossible for you to keep your emotions bottled up from now on. I recommend buying some toys if you know what I mean. Mmm'kay, see ya at the next movie night, bye." Plagg plucked his ring off the petrified Marinette's finger and flew away.
Marinette did nothing.
A few seconds later, Tikki arrived with her earrings. "Jeez, that Chat Noir would not shut up with the questions about you. 'What's she into? Does she like chocolate? What's her bra size?' On and on and on." Tikki noticed the Marinette statue. She gave her a few pokes.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" Marinette screamed.
Later, back at the Eiffel Tower:
Adrien and the Adrinette Task Force had regrouped at their original photoshoot location and were waiting for the final member of their group.
"Oh! There she is!" Alya pointed across the courtyard. She'd barely raised her finger before Marinette barrelled through the group and latched onto Adrien's arm.
"Take our picture! NOW!" Marinette ordered.
"Wait, Marinette," Rose spoke up. "I really really think Juleka wants to be on camera. You should give her another chance."
"FINE! WHATEVER! I DON'T CARE! JUST TAKE MY PICTURE SO I'LL HAVE PROOF THAT I LIKE LUKA!" Marinette went pale and covered her mouth.
The entire Adrinette Task Force stared at her, eyes as wide as the moon.
Marinette slowly opened her hands and whispered, "I like Cha—NO! I like Adruka—NO! Adrinoir—Lurien—Luka Noir—Chadrien—HELP! MAKE IT STOP!"
"Is this still part of the orgy?" Adrien asked at the girl's freak out.
"Sure, yeah, whatever," Alya shrugged. "Alright, Juleka, get in there! And, Adrien, take that shirt off. I wanna see some skin!"
Later, in Fate's Mother's Basement:
Fate removed its tentacles from the Universe and leaned back with an oily satisfied grin. Another job well done. Confusing, messy, and, like all twists of fate, it had only made things worse.
"Fate, did you take out the trash?" tittered an insectile voice.
"Ugh, moooom, I'm busy molting!" fate tittered back and started to shed its skin.
END
Love is so complicated.