To the reviewer who pointed out that this story was all angst, you're right. I didn't intend it but it turned out that way so i've changed the genre. This is a short chapter. Will reading begins in chapter 73. Till then wer're out here in angst and cliffhanger valley, BYOB. For those of you who have stopped reading, sayonara, i get it - it happens... still this is free entertainment for you so, chill.

Chapter song: Drowing - Banks

Chapter 70 – I'm the one who had to learn how to build a heart made of armor

A few days later: Thursday, August 26th, 2020

CPOV

"Christian?" Flynn called out to me again for the second time since I had arrived at his office. I booked a two-hour session for this evening. I felt myself unraveling more than ever before. "You've been here for almost 30 minutes and you've barely said a word. At this point I've heard more from the candy wrappers you've been picking at."

I take a deep breath, leaning forward, elbows supported by my knees as I try not to rip my hair out. "John, I can't cope with this. I can't look at her, touch her or be around her without wanting to rip my own skin off."

"Christian, guilt is a powerful emotion; both motivating and unfortunately often paralyzing. Shame on the other hand, that's something you're lumping in with your guilt and it's toxic. It does more harm than good."

"She needed me, John and I walked away. I knew something was amiss but I let Elena talk me out of it.".

"Talk to me about that... take the emotion out of it for a second and tell me exactly how everything happened."

FLASHBACK

Friday August 21st, 2015

"I'll be right back." Elena purrs as she walks away to use the restrooms. It's only 11:30pm, still a little early for the BDSM crowd to show up. I sit at the bar and order a drink when I out of my periphery I notice the same girl from the dance floor along with the man she danced with. The walk across the length of the room mostly empty room, I see she's wearing a purple band. Submissive and taken, of course she is. As they pass I hear them speak in another language. Her voice is soft and she smells of Chanel No.5 when she passes me. Once they reach the floor to length windows that look out on the San Francisco skyline, they talk a little bit and soon he kisses her hair, she looks up at him with a smile and nods before he walks away to the corridor that leads to the private rooms.

She turns and looks around the room with a curious eye till it lands on me. I smirk at her and she gives me a tight smile before turning back to look out the window.

Are you playing with me? No harm in talking, I think to myself. Thought I'd cane my own sub into next week if she ever entertained a conversation with another Dom but I'm intrigued enough to explore this. No going back now. I get up and walk in her direction and stand next to her while still keeping a distance.

"Do you come here often?" I ask before taking a sip of my drink.

"First time." She says in an almost a whisper. Is that a European accent? I can't tell if it's British or not, the music is a little too loud and shitty for my liking.

"Not from around here then?"

She keeps her eyes fixed on the view and slowly shakes her head.

Now that she's closer in proximity I can see her better, well, as much as one can, given the ornate mask she's wearing. She looks young, almost like a teenager but that can't be. It's probably just her size. Her skin is flawless and her hair is literal perfection, those breasts are what any grown man dreams about... The ambient dark blue lighting isn't helping out much and only adding to the mystery of who she is. She's someone else's sub, for Christ's sake. I'd text Phoebe right now that the contract is over and convince her to break it off with her Dom then take this girl into one of the rooms here to flog and fuck her tight little body.

"How long have you been with your current Dom?"

"I'm sorry?" She shakes her head slightly confused at the question. Suddenly, I find myself impatient and pissed off at her lack of enthusiasm in this conversation.

"I asked a fairly simple question." I say with a little more tersely. Where the fuck is your control, Grey?

"I... don't..."

Before she can answer the man she came in calls her from a distance.

"Saphir... let's go." There's an edge to his voice. I look at him and I know he's pissed seeing me stand next to her. I would be too... I don't blame him.

"Have a nice night." She says with a sincere smile not really looking at me before turning to walk in his direction where he smiles before he drapes his arm over her shoulder walking into the corridor again.

So she's not a typical sub, or he's just a Dom who isn't a strict asshole who shows affection unlike me. In either case, he's one lucky son of a bitch.

Being jealous of another Dom's sub. This is a new and foreign feeling.

Perhaps I wouldn't feel that way if Elena did her fucking job.

Just then Elena shows up and we head down the same corridor to check out the private rooms. At the end of the long hallway, I see Saphir and her Dom enter the last room.

After briefly observing scenes through the voyeur mirrors of two the rooms, I was bored and walked out telling Elena she had 20 more minutes to check out the remainder of the rooms before I ditched her here.

I go to the bar to get another drink and pretty soon realize that it's close to the 20 minute time limit I gave Elena. I walk down the hallway again towards the last door where I saw Saphir enter, and see Elena stepping as the sound of a woman screaming for help comes blaring through the speakers of the tiny room adjacent to the main room door.

"What the fuck is happening in there?"

"Oh nothing, just a good ol' fantasy rape scene. This is apparently their vanilla room where they carry out all the taboo fantasies. Daddy daughter, rape... all that good stuff."

"Elena, don't be fucking crass."

She rolls her eyes. "Come off it Christian, it's just a scene."

"Elena, that didn't sound right."

"Christian, what the hell is wrong with you? She's being a good sub by fulfilling her Dom's wishes. Honestly, I trained you to be better than this. You're losing your edge."

"No I'm not... but that in there didn't sound right." Even in a scene, I've never seen or heard anyone scream that way.

"Really, willing to stake your reputation to go in and interrupt? You know the rules, never interfere with another Dom's scene or come in between their relationship. Again, it's scene... if she couldn't take it, she'd safeword or whatever but she's quite resilient and feisty. Needed two men to hold her down, made the scene more exciting if you ask me. I could've done better though." Elena smirks.

"Fine, whatever. I'm leaving. You can get your own fucking ride out of here."

"No, I'm coming with you. That scene was invigorating. It's a pity, you're already in contract and so hell bent on being monogamous... we could've had some fun here like old times."

"Fuck off, Elena. You need medication for your delusions." I growl and walk off. Whatever, I don't need any unnecessary drama in my life.

Maybe Elena was right and I was losing my edge and reading too much into a situation that was really nothing. Who could blame me? She was providing me with lackluster subs who were constant disappointments. When I got back to my hotel room that night I finally found sleep after two hours only to wake up after another nightmare of the pimp beating me and the crack-whore except this time, I could hear Saphir screaming instead.

I need to talk to Flynn about this.

FLASHBACK ENDS

"Christian, you made a decision based on the information that was available to you at the time. You were in a BDSM club where different scenes of such a nature are an occurrence."

"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? IT WAS ANA..."

"Yes, now we know it was Ana but at the time she was a woman who you believed was a sub who was with her Dom except now we know he was her rapist."

I get up and start to pace the room, gripping my hair.

"What made you want to take listen to Elena and take her word for it?"

"She questioned my ability as a Dom... I guess on some deep level it was to please her since anytime she'd try to question me or make it seem like I was weak by saying that I was about to lose it, it would reinforce that false resolve that I was in control and not weak."

"She manipulated you at every turn in your personal life. Yes, you were a grown man who could make his own decisions but again, given the situation you were in and your mental conditioning... being in that environment you took her word as gospel and left. The feelings of guilt that followed still had a form of detachment since you didn't see it happening and also, you moved with your life. Elena's rationalization sufficed for you as it had many times before in other situations."

"It doesn't absolve me from what I did. I walked away from someone who was in need and deep down I realized it then that something was off but my ego won in the end."

"That is true except now, you can truly make amends and in a way you have. You loved her and cared for her even before you knew all of this. Apologize to her but Christian, I will tell you, this has the potential to set her back. She's been doing well in therapy but with recent revelations... I would urge you to be very careful with this confession. Perhaps we should have a joint therapy session so we can help her should she regress."

"She'll leave me John." Anyone in their right mind would. I don't deserve her.

"Right now, this is eating you up. It is poisoning your relationship because you're avoiding her in what is a traumatic time in her life. She just got back memories of her abuse... she's in a fragile state and still holding up... but Christian, if you keep avoiding her... it can have serious consequences on her mental health. By your own admission she will not ask you for attention so my advice, don't push her too far. If you choose to tell her, then yes there it is likely she will want space or run but given what happened before, you need to be the one to tell her before she finds out from another source... it possible she could find out from someone else?"

I shake my head. "I didn't even think about that. We all wore masks that night... I don't know if Elena and Vishaal even put together the connection of that night."

"This is your truth, choose to do with it what you will. Guilt is a healthy emotion and being with Ana you've grown emotionally, you are a now more empathetic man. Being with her has taught you things you weren't able to learn while under Elena's influence... but this emotion is only healthy when something positive can be done about it. Holding on to it causes more damage. Sincerely apologize and then let nature take its course."

A few days later: Sunday, August 30th, 2020

I tried taking Flynn's advice but I couldn't bring myself to be around Ana. I did whatever I could to spend more time at the office or hole myself up in the study. On Friday, I told Andrea to clear my schedule and I took an impromptu trip to Portland to check on progress of the Farming Division I had been donating to for years. I didn't even tell her. I just left and sent a text after I got there. I came back late after Ana had fallen asleep and then woke up before her in the morning and spent most of the day on the Grace thinking.

This truth I was hiding was eating me up inside and the only outlet was to internally make peace with it, which I never could or tell her and watch her leave me.

Throughout the week she's tried to initiate conversation with me or get me to have dinner and I've shut her down at every turn with the excuse of having too much work to do given that were away for most of August. Each time I declined she gave me a sad smile and wished me luck with work. It fucking killed me to do that but then by the third day she stopped. I guess she got the message.

AS: I know you're busy, but I made dinner. It just need to be warmed up whenever you feel hungry.

I check the time and it's 10pm. Fuck. I need to tell her.

I walk to our room and find her working on her laptop on her side of the bed, looking at the screen intently.

"Ana, can we talk?" I ask her and she startles and giggles a little.

"Yeah, sorry... I was kind of lost reading this application."

I walk over to her side of the bed and she hurriedly closes up her laptop and puts it away.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah... I just needed to talk to you about something."

I can see the apprehension on her face but she gives me a tight smile and urges me to continue.

"I know I've been distant this past week... I..."

"Are you breaking up with me? Is all this been too much? Just tell me." She blurts out with tears in her eyes. "I would understand, I really would..."

Fuck, is that what she really thinks? Fuck.

"No... not at all. Please don't think that... I've just been dealing with something I found out myself and... it's been... I've been trying to find a way to tell you."

"Okay... then just tell me."

I look down at her hands and focus on her engagement ring because I can't look her in the eye.

"Please promise me you won't hate me after this." I try to hide the strain in my voice but it burns my throat.

"Just tell me Christian."

I tell her everything from that night. How I saw her dancing, to briefly speaking with her and then hearing her scream. She doesn't say a word. I look at her face and her eyes are fixed on the mattress and her face is of pure shock.

Minutes pass by and she doesn't say anything. I'm honestly afraid to touch her right now for risk of setting her off.

Suddenly she brings her hands to her face and runs them slowly through her hair as if she's trying to process everything I've just told her and then she speaks in a chilling calm.

"How long have you known?" she asks.

"Since the moment you showed me your fake ID at the club."

"I don't remember talking to you."

"It was very brief... you barely replied, you seemed lost in thought."

She stays silent for a few more minutes before speaking again.

"So... you mean to tell me that you heard a woman who... fuck that fact that it was me, you heard a woman screaming for help and that you chose you walk away. You had an inkling that something bad was happening and you walked away. Am I getting that right? Your action in this situation was inaction."

"Ana, I am so sorry. Please forgive me... I was... I don't... it was the environment we were in, I couldn't tell if it was real."

She leans back against the headrest and looks around the room as if she were searching for her next words but she doesn't say anything. Minutes pass by and she remains silent.

"Ana... please say something. Hit me, yell at me... say whatever you want to say... please..." I beg her.

She looks at me and speaks in utter defeat. "But it doesn't matter Christian. What I had to say didn't matter back then and it doesn't matter now. My choices were taken from me. I wasn't considered worthy by someone who claimed to love me or by a stranger on a basic human level."

"No it does matter... please forgive me."

"I want to go to sleep now. Please leave me alone." She says distractedly and turns to lie down on the bed and stare out the window.

APOV

For the past seven years I've felt like I was stuck in a water cave of sorts, desperately trying to get out. Every time it felt like the tide was low and I felt confident enough to swim out to find the shore, it'd come rushing back in and I'd struggle to stay afloat trying to keep my head above water. Don't let yourself drown, fight. Fight. I'd tell myself. Except now, the tide has come in at full force and I am tired.

I thought I had come up with the worst case scenarios regarding that night but what Christian just told me is beyond anything I could have imagined. The man that chose to walk away was the man that I ended up falling in love with.

I spent all of this week walking on eggshells around him. Trying to appear strong. He barely touched me. Not even a hug or a kiss to my forehead and I didn't say anything. Flynn told me it was okay to ask for attention from Christian but I put it off saying that I understood that he was busy which I truly do but even in his busiest of times when Ros was away, he always would take time out for me. Even if it was 10 minutes or taking a bath. Just a small slice of time for us to be with each other.

He'd come to bed after I'd fallen asleep and be gone before I woke up. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was wrapped around me like a vine. It was the only affection I felt from him since I came back from Seattle.

I was surprisingly calm when talking to Flynn about what happened at Aashu's wedding. The initial shock of finding out was traumatic but then... I felt this odd sense of calm. I finally knew what happened to me. I was angry but I still felt this dark sense of calm. I couldn't explain it. Or maybe I was still in denial. I don't know. It hurt more than Christian was distant. I can't explain it.

And now, to hear that he was there that night. That he hard me scream and beg for help... but walked away.

I don't know if I can handle that.

FLASHBACK

Monday, August 24th, 2015

"Alright Steele, remember the security protocol measures we talked about for college before I left for New York?"

"Yes sir."

"Good. Anytime you feel sick, or unsafe and that you need to get out... you text me the words 'Code X' and I will get you out of wherever you are. I promise you."

"I'm going to be fine Benny, I promise."

"Don't give me that. You're like my own kid, I'll always worry."

I silently nod trying to keep my tears at bay.

"I'll miss you Benz."

"I'll miss you too, Annie. Remember, I'm always here for you."

"I know."

He hugs me tight and I wince from the pain of the marks on my back.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, sorry... it's my hip acting up again I think. Didn't have much water to drink today."

"You need to be careful about that."

I nod and give him a smile. I give Nani and Nita once last hug trying not to cry like a baby. They get in the car and drive away. I turn around to make the painful journey back to my dorm room, praying for some salvation from the horror of what has happened to me.

FLASHBACK ENDS

I sit up and grab my phone opening the message box to Benny. I type in the words Code X and watch the cursor blink and then stare at the send button.

How would I even get out of here? He would never let me go.

I put the phone back and lie back down to the stare at the window wondering how to stay afloat through this new storm.

A/N: I wanted to explore the idea of inaction vs action. It's something i've always thought about in addition to the guilt we can sometimes feel and how toxic it is. I really feel for Christian, I understand his point of view but I also get Ana's. It's such a complex situation to be in when so often we can suppress our inner conscious. it's so prevalent in the times we live in today given what we're going through. It's been weighing heavily on my mind as I look at my own family with a critical eye in regards to the abuse my cousin Rania suffered and just in general when it comes to scoiety.

Anyway, feel free to review or not, I honestly don't mind. For those of you who have stuck it out to the very end, I appreciate it more than you'll know.

I am working to complete this story so I can fcous on my other one. I think we'll ending this entire saga minus the outtakes by chapter 75...