« Souji... What are you doing ? »
« I can't let you wander around, I can't trust you to obey. You threatened to kill it. I know you would. »
« I wouldn't, Souji ! » she said « I... I got scared and angry... I don't know what came over me... I'm sorry... Please untie me... »
« I can't. » he smiled sadly « You're too reckless. Don't worry, this is temporary. It's only until I find a solution better fof both of us. You may not believe me but I do not enjoy to see you like this. »
« Souji, I'm your wife... » she begged « I'm not your enemy. I'm scared, please don't do this. I'll do whatever you like, whatever you want me to. I'll be obedient but please, please untie me... »
The cord was getting tighter and tighter everytime she was moving her wrists in her back. It was pointless, she would just hurt herself. She managed to sat up on the futon and started crying uncontrollably, powerless, panicked, helpless.
« Please, Souji... You don't know what it does to me... You don't know... Let me go, I'm sorry. »
Her husband took her in his arms, pulling her on his lap, and he circled her, trying to make her feel better but she just squealed in fear and that made him sadder than he thought it would when he took that decision.
« I know you're gonna hate me... » he whispered « I have no choice... I see how you behave, I see how you are doing everything you can to endanger it. You don't really want it. »
« I want it ! » she cried, nesting her face in the crook of his neck « I want it, I want a family with you. I'm not fooling around. Souji, this... No, please not this... »
« I love you. » he stated, kissing her shoulder « Never doubt that I love you. »
« I love you too so please, please don't do this. Don't leave me like this. This, for me, is like abandon for you. It drives me mad, it hurts me... »
« I'll be back for lunch. » he said with a smile « I'll eat with you and I'll cook and everything. I'm gonna help you with the breakfast. »
« Souji, please listen to me... » she begged « The reason I said that was that because I was scared. I can't bear to be restrained like this... You're doing exactly what I feared you would... Please, I understood, let me go, I'm not killing anyone... It was stupid... Really stupid... I love you, I want that baby. »
« We'll talk about that when I come back, okay ? » he smiled, caressing her cheek « I'll find a better solution. »
« Let me go ! » she yelled.
Souji put her down, back against the wall so she could lean on it.
« There's rice porridge for breakfast. » he smiled « I'm gonna help you. »
He went to the kitchen and came back with a bowl and a spoon. He sat back before her and put the spoon in front of her like an infant.
« I figured it would be easier that soup and rice. » he said « say 'aaaaah' Haru-chan ! »
« Go to hell. » she muttered, turning her head away.
Not defeated though, her husband pushed her head back in the right direction and looked at her with concern.
« You know, every little step of cooperation makes me more confident about trusting you. » he sighed « And you need to eat for two. »
Grudgingly, Haruhi opened her mouth and engulfed the spoon's content, chewing and swallowing with difficulty, her throat tied with all the tears she shed.
« Can you untie me now ? » she asked softly « I'll behave. »
« Behave first. » he stated, presenting her another spoon « Use that time to think about a solution if you want. We can exchange ideas when I come back. »
She swallowed the content of another spoonful and in no time, the bowl was finished. Souji smiled, happy to see that she was conciliatory at last.
« Do you want more ? » he asked and she shook her head to deny.
« What if I need to go to the toilets ? » she asked suddenly.
Souji froze and seemed unsettled for a moment. He clearly hadn't think about that. With her tied legs and tied arms, the task was impossible.
« I'll help you now. » he stated « and you'll have to wait for my return. »
« This is degrading. » she objected « you can't be serious. »
Souji seemed to think and sighed.
« I'll untie your legs and accompany you outside. » he suggested « You wouldn't be able to outrun me. »
« Okay... » she sighed « I guess I can't get better than that... »
No one would react anyway, even if they were to see her hands tied in the back. They would just assume Souji is punishing her for something she did. She was his property, in the end. If he wanted to beat her or restrain her, he had the rights to do it, no one would bat an eye. Some could even see this as something positive. There was a saying « a man who loves his woman, beats her well ». Souji could kill her and only justify it by the fact that she wasn't obedient enough. No one would care.
Just as he said, her husband accompanied her outside and then back inside where he tied back her legs.
« I trust you enough not to gag you. » he said, stroking her hair « You behave and stay calm here and maybe I'll give you more freedom, okay ? »
« I promise I'll stay here. Please untie me. » she tried.
« I can't do that. » he kissed her forehead « I love you. I'm sorry. »
Souji stood up and put on his uniform and his swords, his gun. He turned to her with a smile and took the basket for the groceries.
« Do we need anything from the market ? Is there something you desire to eat ? »
« Peaches... » she muttered « I'd like... peaches... »
« Okay. » he nodded « thank you, Haru-chan. »
He got out and Haruhi stayed alone. She was feeling helpless, as if the house could collapse on her any minute. When she was sure Souji was gone, she started to think about her options. She could scream but even if someone could hear her, would they care ? Same if she wiggled like a worm and managed to get out, would people help her ? Souji would be furious and her condition could worsen. Not, she had no other option than to obey. Sighing, she tried to ignore the pain of the tight bonds and laid back on the futon. At least, if she could sleep, maybe time could pass faster. It took her some time and she didn't really sleep anyway, she just drifted away sometimes until the dolor in her wrists and ankles woke her up. As promised, Souji came back for lunch and they ate together. It was just plain rice since he didn't have much time to cook but he got some peaches for the dessert. He pealed two for her and fed her the small pieces of fruit one by one. Before going, he checked on her bindings and loosened them a little so they would hurt her less.
« I have to go to Shirakawa for meetings and reports. » he explained while he was tying his boots « I'll see you in the evening but I may come back late. Wait for me. »
« Do I have the choice ? » she muttered angrily.
« Don't worry, Haru-chan. » he smiled « I'm glad with how you behaved this morning. »
Haruhi didn't answer and evaded his gaze to show him how mad she was. With a sad smile, Souji went away again, leaving her alone. She should go to the dojo at that hour... She didn't warn anyone, maybe people were gonna get worried ? Maybe they were gonna think she's unreliable... Maybe she'd loose her job... Fucking Souji... all that for a small dizziness... No... It was her fault. Because she said words that never should have passed the barrier of her lips in front of her anxious husband with a fleeting sense of morality. Beaten, she laid back on the futon again. She felt the baby kick inside her, maybe pleased because of the delicious peaches. For the first time, she felt the envy to touch it. It was a conforting sensation, those kicks. She wasn't the only helpless being here. She wasn't alone. They were in this together, as one.
« Aka-chan... » she whispered « I'm sorry I said those words... I didn't mean them... »
The baby was still kicking and she took that as an answer. A smile drew on her face.
« I'm scared, Aka-chan... » she confessed « I'm scared not to be good enough for you. I'm scared I'm disfunctional... How to raise you ? How can I be a mother when I'm so impulsive ? How to confort you when you'll be sad when I've never known the arms of a mother ? I'm scared... I'm sorry I rejected you... I didn't want to. I just... I tried so hard to be special, to be something else than just a woman. I felt like you were robbing me of all that. It was stupid... »
The baby stopped kicking and she got worried it could be mad at her but then she sensed it again, more faintly. Maybe it was falling asleep ? What could happen in there ? Could it hear her voice ? Could it understand ? Did it know it was its mother speaking ? Could it already love her ?
« I love you, Aka-chan... » she said, tears flowing on her face « I really love you, maybe that's why I'm so scared. I hope you'll look like your father and that you'll have the same strength. I hope we'll be enough to protect you, so that you'll never have the fears we have. You know, Papa is not as bad as he seems. He'll be there for you, he won't let anyone hurt you or bully you. He'll never abandon you. »
Again, only the silence was answering her but she couldn't stop talking, voicing all her anguish and fears of the past months.
« I'm jealous you know. » she chuckled while crying « When you'll be there, you're gonna mean the world to Souji. »
« Haru-neesan ? »
Ayame. Ayame at her doorstep. What should she do ? Yell for help ? That would cause way too much problems to Souji... His reaction was extreme but she had a part of responsibility in it. Tensed, Haruhi stayed silent.
« Are you okay, Haru-neesan ? » repeated the boy « you didn't come to the dojo. »
« I'm fine... » she answered to reassure the boy « I overslept. »
« Can I come in ? » he asked.
« No. » said Haruhi vehemently.
« Why ? »
« You can't. » she stated « go home, Aya-kun. »
She heard the boy go, running in the dirt and turned on the futon, looking at her growing belly.
« I love you, Aka-chan... » she whispered after a while « thanks for being here with me... I don't feel alone with you here. »
« Haruhi ? Ayame told me you were here and didn't go to the dojo ? » said Chizuru behind the closed door « Did you faint ? Are you not feeling well ? »
« Chizuru-neechan, I'm fine. » she answered.
« I'm coming in. »
« No ! I'm... I'm not dressed. » she tried.
« Don't worry, Haruhi. » she chuckled « I'm a doctor, I've seen worse. »
« Don't come in ! » she yelled.
Yet, the entrance shoji had already slid and Chizuru slid the second one, the one of the bedroom, where she found Haruhi all tied up. She opened wide eyes and rushed to her side.
« Haruhi ! » she gasped « what happened ? Did Souji do this ? »
Haruhi didn't answer and started crying again, the pressure too important in her heart. Chizuru untied her wrists first and Haruhi draped her arms around her big sister's shoulders, crying heavily. She felt her ankles be unbounded too and Chizuru held her like a child.
« Can you walk ? » she asked « I'm taking you to the inn. »
« I... I have to stay here... » protested Haruhi.
« If I need to turn Oni to carry you, I'll do it. » frowned Chizuru « but I'm not leaving you here. »
« I'm fine. » she said, already feeling better now that she wasn't tied up anymore « I need to stay here. »
« Why ? »
« Because I need Souji to trust me. » she said « please Chizuru-neechan. »
Chizuru seemed to hesitate and kept rocking her in her arms.
« Tell me what happened. » she ordered.
« I can't. » she muttered « It's... I'm ashamed. »
« I won't judge. » said Chizuru « tell me or I'm sending your father. »
« That's blackmail ! » she protested.
« I'm staying here and I'll confront Souji. Except if you make me understand. »
« I... Souji and I had an argument... Because I'm not careful with the baby and... things were said, terrible things... »
« What terrible things ? »
« I... I said... I said if he... took away my freedom... I'll... I'll kill it... the... the baby... »
« You said that ? » asked a deep toneless voice in the entrance.
« Hajime. » said Chizuru softly « what are you doing here ? »
« I wasn't going to stay back if Haruhi had faint or anything. I would have carried her to the inn so you could care for her until Souji's return. » he explained calmly, getting in « Chizuru, leave us, please. »
Chizuru bowed and got away. Haruhi couldn't even look at her father in the eyes. Absently, she rubbed her fingers on her wrists, unable to speak to him. He sat in front of her and waited. The minutes were heavy.
« Haruhi. » he eventually said « when did I fail you ? »
« You never failed me, Otousan... » she answered faintly, ashamed « It's me... I... I failed you so many times... »
Hajime kept silent, looking at his daughter who was now a woman. He tried his best to raise her well, to offer her a chance, an education... Why would she never listen ? He loved her as his own, always had. He wished he could have transmit values to her. But that... That... Part of him understood why Souji acted like he did.
« Having a child, Haruhi, is a wonderful thing. » he said calmly « It is your duty as a wife and a chance for both of you. »
« I know. » she nodded « I didn't really think what I said... I was scared and I snapped... »
« If you didn't think it, it wouldn't have gotten out. » he stated « Part of you doesn't desire this baby. »
« I... No... It's not that I don't want it but I'm afraid of all the changes it will bring... with Souji... with my job... »
« I see. » he smiled faintly « you make me think of your mother. I wonder if these kind of thoughts are in the blood. »
« What do you mean, Otousan ? » she frowned.
« Your mother wanted to kill you. » he dropped like a cannonball « she was afraid you could ruin her career. »
« She... wanted to kill me ? » repeated Haruhi astonished before she started crying again « so that's it... I've grown up without a mother and I wasn't even wanted... How am I supposed to give love when I don't even know what the love of a mother is ? »
« She loved you. » he smiled faintly « as soon as she met you. She loved you instantly and you will too. »
« I already love it you know, Otousan... » she muttered « I... Souji's right to be mad. »
« Souji craves fatherhood. » said Hajime « Even years ago. He has a revenge to take on his childhood. When you were young, he was spending a lot of time with you, telling me that he wouldn't have time to get children of his blood anyway with his illness. It is uncanny that he has forgotten you and it sometimes feels very strange for me that he doesn't see the child in you but now, he has the chance to become a father. Don't deny him that. »
« I don't intend to. » she muttered « I didn't mean what I said... It's just hard you know, when you wanna be something and... just like that, people are telling you it's inaccessible, that now you have to put it all behind you... »
« That's not a reason to talk like you did. » he stated « everyone faces adversity and the path you chose isn't the easiest one. Yet, you will have to learn to compromise. You married Souji. Marriage means building a family and put the interests of the family above your owns. Just like I did, Chizuru did and Souji did. It doesn't mean you have to be nothing more than a mother. It means that you have to change your priorities. »
Haruhi nodded, ashamed. She behaved like an idiot. It didn't give Souji the right to tie her up like he did but she really had been behaving like an egotistical, petulant child. Hajime nodded too and stood up.
« I expect you to stay here and have a conversation with Souji when he comes back. And I also expect you to think about your duties and your priorities. Chizuru didn't stop being a doctor because she was a mother. She modified her schedule accordingly. »
« I know... » she muttered.
« Good. » he nodded « If you need help on physical or emotional matters, seek Chizuru. She would probably be a better interlocutor than Souji or I. You have never been alone, Haruhi, and I would be glad for you to stop behaving as such. »
« Understood, Otousan. » she muttered « I'm sorry I disappointed you. »
« I'm sorry you disappointed Souji. » he replied coldly « You will apologize. I will also talk to him. What he did today is unacceptable and not fit to build a healthy marriage. You both have a problematic personality and you are making the other drown with you every time you get the chance. Try to help each other to keep the head out of the water instead. Especially with a child between the both of you. »
« Sorry... »
Hajime said nothing more and headed out, leaving her alone to wait for her husband. Alone again, Haruhi felt incredibly guilty. Yet, she wasn't alone anymore, feeling closer to the life inside her. She went to the kitchen and found the rest of the peaches and pealed one, hungry. The sugary taste was agreeable and conforting and the baby seemed to like it too, kicking enthusiastically. That drew a smile on her face. Everything would be all right... Maybe she was feeling foreign to the child now but it wouldn't last. It'll get out and she'd love it. Souji would play with it, they would all be happy, be a family... It didn't matter if she couldn't feel close to it now, despite having it inside her, she knew she would love it. Her peach finished, she took a nap and slept better, now that she was unbounded. She was able to take more comfortable positions, even if her belly was getting in the way. When she opened her eyes again, she was greeted by two emerald orbs.
« Good evening. » said Souji tenderly, kissing her forehead.
« Souji, I'm... I'm sorry... » she started but her husband put a finger on her mouth.
« I know. » he nodded « Hajime came all the way to Shirakawa to scold me. It was a pain in the ass but I apologize for tying you up. I'm glad you stayed home. »
« I'll stay home... » she said softly « from now on but Souji... »
« What ? »
« When it'll be out and when it'll be a bit older and won't need me as much, I could go back to the dojo ? » she asked.
« Yeah » he smiled « and in the meantime, we'll spare together if you want. I'm counting on you to wield that naginata too one day. Don't want my present to go to waste. »
« Okay... » she smiled in return « Thank you, Souji. I think we're gonna be happy, the three of us. »
« I never doubted it. » he pulled her to his arms « as long as you're here with me, Haru-chan, I'll be happy. You're a pain in the ass and a big mouth but I love you way too much to let you go. »
« I love you too, Souji... » she muttered in his neck, smelling his scent and brushing her lips against his skin.
« Hey, if it's a boy, can we name him after Kondou ? » he asked out of the blue.
« He'll be your son. » she smiled « you'll name him however you want. »
« Great. » he kissed her « then I'm naming him after Kondou. Little Isami. I like that name. »
« Me too. » she nodded.
She let him hold her for minutes. He really seemed like he needed that. Even if he tied her up, part of himself was feeling guilty and was fearing she could resent him, hate him, leave him. He needed her warmth and to feel forgiven. There was no safer place anyway for the little boy in his heart, than into Haruhi's arms.
Author note :
Arce : yep, that sentence was supposed to make you react that way hahaha.
A hard chapter to write just like the previous one, a bit longer. It is hard to put things back in their contexte. I don't write a fantasy japan and so, there are some social norms different from ours. It may shock, to imagine that Souji could tie her up, beat her and kill her without consequences but that is how things worked at that time. It explains also why Hajime takes Souji's side. I'm sorry if some of you got shocked. Of course, in a modern society, it wouldn't happen that way, social norms are different.