Chapter Twenty-Seven
Tony was startled awake when he heard someone coming into the kitchen. Blinking tiredly, he looked up to see May standing over them, her eyes sad as she took in Peter, who was curled up against Tony's side on the floor, fast asleep.
Tony hadn't meant to fall asleep. He'd told himself that he would just hold Peter until they both calmed down again, but his exhaustion must have crept up on him because he woke on the cold tile with a kink in his neck hours later.
He wondered how long Peter had been there, awake and helpless to move while he slept. How long before he'd finally surrendered and fallen asleep himself.
May bent over and touched Peter's cheek. He didn't even stir. "He's cold," she said.
Guilt washed over him. "Damn. Can you hold him a moment while I get up? I'll get him back to bed."
May nodded and knelt. Tony eased Peter against her, then stood on creaking knees, stopping over to hook his arms under Peter, lifting him against his chest. He was shocked by how light he was. He'd carried Peter recently, helping him in and out of the chair, but he'd been much heavier before.
May wheeled the chair forward, but Tony shook his head and carried him into his bedroom himself. He laid Peter on the bed and examined him, tugging the t-shirt down to see his bony shoulders and thin arms. He lifted the hem of the shirt and exposed his ribs.
A hushed curse left him. He had no idea this was happening. Surely, they'd have told him if Peter wasn't eating. Or maybe they wouldn't. Pepper had made it clear that she was done with him, and he'd not seen May at all. Peter had evidently been wasting away without him knowing.
"I know," May said. "He is eating enough; it's just his body isn't able to process the nutrition properly." She hesitated. "He's in pain, too."
Tony dropped onto the side of the bed and buried his face in his hands. "Oh, god."
"He's not saying it, but I know he's dipping into the Tylenol in the bathroom cabinet. Pepper and I have been monitoring it, making sure he's not taking too much, but he's been taking enough."
"I should have known."
"Yes. You should." Her voice was firm and to the point. "But I think that's going to change now, isn't it?"
"It is." He looked up at her. "I swear. I'm going to be there from now on, whatever he needs."
She nodded. "It was supposed to be Coney Island today, but I think he should get some rest instead. I'll call Ned and put him off until tomorrow. We can make it special here today instead. Get take-out for dinner."
She leaned past Tony and covered Peter, stroking his hair and face, and then straightened up and narrowed her eyes at Tony.
"I know," he said, forestalling her tirade. "I was wrong."
"You were." She nodded. "You were trying to save him, I understand, but you could have done that and still been with him. You left him alone for weeks. You wasted so much time."
Tony nodded. He knew how much he'd wasted and how bad that was because there wasn't much left. It was evidenced by Peter's declining condition, and the realization made him sick.
Peter stirred, and Tony placed a hand on his chest, feeling his heart thrumming under his palm. "Get some sleep, Pete. I'll be here later."
Peter's lips tugged into a smile, and he settled.
Tony looked up again, and May was scowling at him. "I wonder if you know," she said thoughtfully, "just how much he loves you."
Tony flinched. "If it's anywhere near as much as I love him, it's a hell of a lot."
"I've hated you," she stated. "With every single thing we did for him on his list, with every smile, I saw the sadness that you weren't there. You were hurting him, and I was so angry at you. You didn't just waste time to be with him, you wasted time to love him, too."
Tony bowed his head. "I can't make that right for him, but I loved him even when I wasn't there. I did this to save him, at least that was part of it. I was trying to save him because I thought it was on me, but I was hiding, too." He pressed a hand to his head. "I've not loved anyone the way I loved him. I feel like it's all on me. Every bump and bruise is my fault because I wasn't there to protect him. He's so young and vulnerable. And right now, he's so weak."
"He's not that weak."
Tony gestured at him. "Look at him!"
"Physically, yes, he's weak, but mentally, he's the strongest of us all. I've seen people a lot older than him facing this situation, their own death, without half the strength Peter has shown. He's a hero in a way that has nothing to do with a suit."
Tony agreed. He knew Peter was a hero. He'd always seen it. He'd been braver than Tony throughout this whole situation, but looking at him now, seeing how far he'd declined, he looked as vulnerable as a newborn baby.
"I'm going to get coffee started," she said, and Tony picked up that she needed a minute.
"I'll be there is a minute."
"Clean yourself up first. You look like hell."
Tony patted Peter's shoulder once more and then followed her out, heading to his and Pepper's room, while she went to the kitchen.
When he stepped into the room, he could hear the distant hum of running water and realized Pepper was in the shower. He went into the bathroom and turned on the sink, splashing his face. Looking into the mirror above, he was struck by how awful he looked. His once meticulous beard was completely out of control, running riot on his face, and his eyes were shadowed and dull. Still, he looked better than Peter did, and that struck him with pain all over again.
He forced the pain back, getting his trimmer from the cabinet and beginning to fix the mess of his beard. As he did, his eyes began to sting, and he made no effort to stop the tears. His breaths hitched. This was grief, not anxiety, and he didn't fight it. He needed to feel it.
The trimmer clattered into the sink as his fingers numbed and dropped to grip the sides of the sink to hold himself up. The sobs were coming freely now, and so were the tears. His nose was congested, and his throat felt tight. He let himself feel it, letting the grief wash over him and away.
"Tony?" he heard Pepper behind him, and then she turned him by the shoulders and hugged him against her. He could feel the soft weave of the towel she had wrapped around herself. Her hand cradled his head. "It's okay."
"He's dying. He's really dying."
She drew a shaky breath. "Yes. He is."
"I don't know if Bruce can fix this, and Cho is still off the grid. What if we can't do it."
She didn't answer as they both already knew what would happen. She began to cry, too, burying her face against him as they grieved together.
Though he was wracked with sobs, chest aching and eyes stinging, he felt more alert and alive now than he had in a long time. He was finally facing the truth of what might happen instead of hiding from it with science.
The fight wasn't his. It had never been his. It was Bruce's to find the cure and Peter's to keep going long enough for it to be found.
And from what he had seen when he held Peter in his arms and settled him in the bed, he didn't know Peter had that fight left in him.
"Mr. Stark?"
"Tony," he corrected.
Ned grinned. "Tony, should—" His face fell. "Should I be scared?"
Tony pointedly stared at Peter, who was standing near the water, apparently watching the two children that were splashing in the waves ahead of him.
"No, I don't think he's going to drown that far from the water."
Ned shuffled. "That's not what I meant."
"What has Peter told you?"
"He says we're doing all this cool stuff because he's happy to be alive."
"That's true," Tony said, then regretted it because his tone carried more meaning than he'd intended.
"Yeah, but is that because he survived the accident or because he's like … sick or something?" He rubbed his nose. "He looks sick. He's lost all that weight, and he gets tired fast."
Tony stared down at the kid and saw his genuine fear. He had two choices. He could comfort Ned, tell him Peter was fine, or he could help him prepare himself for what would happen if Bruce failed.
The decision wasn't easy, and he knew it wasn't his place to be the one to do either.
"You should talk to Peter."
It seemed like enough of an answer for Ned because he turned away, wiping a hand over his face. "I've got to go to the restroom," he muttered, and scrambled to his feet, rushing away.
Tony bowed his head. Another mistake. He'd just broken a kid's heart, and apparently, it wasn't the first time he'd done it. He'd already broken Peter's when he hid from him for those weeks.
He got to his feet, brushing the sand off his pants and walking to where Peter was standing. He placed a hand on the kid's shoulder when he got there. "You okay, Pete?"
Peter turned to him, a broad smile on his face. "Yeah. I'm great, and I was thinking. There's something I'd like to do."
"Sure, whatever you want," Tony said.
"I want to swim."
Tony drew back in surprise. He was expecting something big, maybe like a skydive, which he'd seen at the top of Peter's list, something he was hoping they'd skip. "Swim?"
Peter nodded. "Yeah. Swim. In the ocean. I've never done it before."
"Okay. Let's get you into the ocean."
"Can you help? I want to take the braces off."
The fact he was asking, that he couldn't do it himself probably wasn't easy for him, but Tony smiled and said, "Sure."
He carefully helped Peter to sit on the sand, then began unstrapping the braces, helping Peter slip out of his jeans and down to his swim shorts. Tony straightened, tugging off his own t-shirt and jeans. Peter grinned at his blue swim trunks with their yellow sharks and said, "Cute shorts."
"Pepper picked them out," Tony said. "I think she was feeling particularly vengeful that day. And when I was getting dressed this morning, I found that all my other pairs had disappeared.
Peter laughed. "That's pretty mean."
"Yep. I'll get her back. Maybe I can replace all her eyeliner with Sharpies."
"I don't think you'd live long if you did that."
"Nope, you're probably right."
Bending, he lifted Peter into his arms. Peter's arm rested over his shoulders, and his eyes were on the water. He seemed eager to swim. Tony tried to ignore the lack of healthy weight and the bones that he could see jutting out under Peter's skin, but he wasn't wholly successful, and he wasn't the only one. People were staring at them, and Tony didn't think it was just because Iron Man was on the beach.
Peter didn't seem to notice the scrutiny, or perhaps he just didn't care anymore. He just grinned and shivered with what Tony thought was excitement as the water started to lap Tony's legs. The water was cold, and he gripped Peter a little tighter as he waded deeper. The water began to lap over Peter's legs, but, of course, there was no reaction to the temperature until it reached his stomach, then he gasped.
"Too cold?" Tony asked.
"No. It's awesome."
When the water was deep enough to reach his Peter's chest, he planted his feet and steadied them as the waves rolled over.
Peter stared down at his legs as they moved with each wave. "Look," he said, his tone awed. "It's like I'm moving them myself."
Tony watched, seeing it, too. The gentle motions of the water were different than the braces. This looked natural and as if Peter was really controlling the movements.
"Yep," he said. "Hold on."
He lifted Peter higher out of the water, gripping him tightly, as a massive wave approached and slammed into him. It doused his hair and face, and he quickly checked on Peter, who was drenched but laughing.
Tony bit back the question of if he was okay, reminding himself that Peter could judge his own needs and condition.
"Tony," Peter said, a glint in his eyes. "Can you dunk me?"
Tony raised an eyebrow. "You're not wet enough already."
"No. Please?"
"Hold your breath then."
Peter took a deep breath and then puffed his cheeks. Tony bent at his knees and lowered them both under the water. He saw Peter's eyes widen and his lips part with a breath that bubbled up above them. He seemed so happy, and Tony let them linger underwater for a few seconds until he knew Peter would need air.
Their head broke the water, and Peter was beaming at him. "That was so cool." He looked back at the beach. "We should get back. Ned's waiting."
Ned was on the shore, waving to them. Tony nodded as Peter raised a hand and started back for the beach. He worried about Peter seeing Ned, unsure how Ned was handling the shocking news he had gotten, or well, surmised might be a better word. But when they got closer, and Tony was able to get a good look at him, he could see that Ned had pulled himself together. The evidence of his tears was gone, and he was grinning again.
"Was drowning one of those things you wanted to do to celebrate being alive?" Ned asked when they reached him.
Peter laughed. "No, I just wanted to get in the water for a while."
Ned shrugged. "Sure."
Tony placed Peter down on the sand, wrapping a towel around his shoulders and laying another over his legs. Peter looked cold, goosebumps dotting his skin, but Tony was sure the sun would warm him up and dry him off in no time. The last thing he wanted was Peter to catch a cold.
Ned dropped down on the sand beside them, stretching out his legs. "So, what's next on the list?" he asked. "We doing the Thunderbolt?"
"Yeah," Peter said excitedly. "Definitely. Tony?"
Tony glanced over his shoulder at the rollercoaster that was running behind them, the drops were steep and the turns hard. He hadn't been on a rollercoaster in more years than he could count. These days his thrills came from strapping on the suit and pushing it to its limits. That didn't mean it wasn't something he would like to do with Peter, though, and if his reactions to swimming were anything to go by, it would be something to treasure.
"Sure. You need to get dried off first, though."
Peter touched his damp shorts and said, "Okay. We'll hang here a while."
Peter leaned back on his elbows, lifting his face into the sun. Tony looked at him, not seeing the sharp lines of his cheeks and jaw, the shadowed eyes. He just saw his kid and appreciated every moment.
He felt warmth in his chest that he knew was a surge of love for Peter. It didn't hurt him for once. He wasn't thinking of what he stood to lose. He just saw what he had now.
He was seeing his son.
"Ned…" Peter wheedled.
"No. A world of no. A universe of no. No to Asgard and back while swinging off Thor's hammer."
Tony grinned. "You know, Thor could probably manage that for you if you were interested."
Ned looked excited for a moment and then shook his head. "No."
Peter sighed. He knew it was a long shot to get Ned on the Ferris wheel, but he'd been hoping he could pull it off. After all, Ned had seen him holding a spider, and that had ended up feeling pretty good—once it was over anyway. He would have gotten a kick out of helping Ned face his fear.
Tony apparently took pity on him as he said, "Okay, Ned, you'll be okay while Peter and I ride?"
Ned eyed the wheel and shrugged. "If you're up for putting your lives in the hands of some kid controlling a death trap, sure. Actually, since you're both superheroes, you'll probably be okay with that. Sure, I'll get another funnel cake."
Tony reached into his pocket, but Ned held up his hand. "Nah, it's cool. Mom set me up for the day with plenty of money. I'll see you if you survive."
A strange look came into his eyes for a moment, and then it was quickly banished as he waved a hand and walked away to the cart selling the treats.
Peter had a feeling that Ned knew. He wasn't sure when he'd caught on the real meaning of Peter's list, but he had. Peter could tell by the subtle looks his friend was giving him. Peter had seen in Ned's eyes when Tony had brought him back to shore after swimming. The sadness in Ned's expression wasn't fully covered by his smile. Peter didn't think that Tony would have told him, but the changes to Peter's body made it obvious now.
Tony clapped him on the shoulder and said, "Okay, Pete, let's do this."
They joined the small line beside the Wonder Wheel and slowly moved along until it was their turn.
Tony stood back and let Peter get into the seat first. Peter could tell it was hard for Tony to stand by and not help him, and Peter started to feel tired and struggling a bit to lift his legs high enough to get. He managed, though, shifting himself along to make room for Tony, then the man settled in beside him, and the bar was lowered.
They began to move, and Peter looked around as they slowly rose. Peter had been higher than this since the accident, the hot air balloon ride had been cool, but this was different. Even though it wasn't as high, it was nice. There was something relaxing about it. He missed being up high. As Spider-Man, he used to enjoy the heights.
The lights of the rides below them glinted and twinkled, and when they reached the peak, Tony nudged him and said, "It's time."
Peter looked where he was pointing and saw the first of the promised fireworks exploding in the sky. They scattered in sparks of colored lights, and the explosions thrummed in Peter's ears.
"Cool, huh?" he said, beaming at Tony.
"Yeah, pretty cool. You know what we should do, we should set off some fireworks from the tower. Hell, I could tweak some to make them really good."
Peter chuckled. "I don't think Pepper would be on board with you setting off custom fireworks above our home."
Tony grinned. "True."
They started to lower again, and Peter found Ned sitting on a bench, eating his funnel cake and watching the fireworks. Tony saw where his gaze was and said, "He's a good kid, a bit of a hellion, and I will find a way to stop him hacking the suit, but—" He flinched.
Peter knew what was wrong. Ned had no need to hack the suit anymore. Even if Peter hadn't needed to retire from that life, he wouldn't have had long left. He didn't mind the slip, though it clearly bothered Tony. It meant that Tony wasn't thinking of facts while they were together, the fact Spider-Man was a memory now and that Peter would be soon, too. It meant he was just enjoying the moment, forgetting the sadness for a while. And Peter loved that.
"You'll never stop him," he said smoothly. "Ned's a genius."
Tony raised an eyebrow. "And I'm not."
Peter grinned. "No, you are, but I'm pretty sure Ned could still pull it off, no matter what shielding you put in place."
A question occurred to Peter, one he'd asked himself when he'd been saying his goodbye to Karen, but he didn't ask it. He'd forgotten for a while, but he wondered if Tony could find another job for Karen. It was probably dumb, she was an interface, but he didn't like to think of her existing with nothing to do anymore. He'd ask some other time. Or put it in his letter.
He'd written one for each of them, almost. He was struggling with Tony's. He'd not wanted to write it without seeing Tony again, and he'd been gone for so long, and then there hadn't been time. The day before, when he'd found Tony in the kitchen in the early hours, he'd woken hours later in bed, and he'd been too tired and sore to do more than just watch movies with him, Pepper, and May. And today had been all about Coney Island.
It had been intended as a trip for him, May, Pepper, and Ned, but Pepper had a meeting come up at work that she couldn't skip, and May was needed to take an extra shift. Peter wasn't sure he believed them, he thought they were giving him and Tony a chance to have time together, and Peter was grateful. The day had been great, and Ned had gotten a kick out of hanging with Tony, too.
They reached the peak again, and Peter's energy ebbed. He relaxed back in his seat, blinking tiredly, and then an arm wrapped around his shoulders, and he felt himself being pulled against Tony's side.
"You rest, kid," Tony said. "I'll get us a few more rides around."
Peter should argue, he knew, but he was content where he was, and tired, and didn't think he wanted to move just yet.
He was happy just being with Tony.
So… This chapter is a personal favourite of mine, especially the scene at the beach. I loved the innocence of the moment when they went swimming and the fact Tony was able to just see Peter for a while — not the situation.
A note - The way Snarks and I worked the writing process for this story was that I would write the bones of a chapter and the dialgoue with action/mood notes and Snarks would come and create magic that made it a cohesive story. That's why Ned is scared of the ferris wheel. I hadn't seen Far From Home when we wrote this story. All blame lies on me. Admittedly, it wouldn't have been so cosy if he'd been on the ride with them ;-)
Until next time…
Clowns or Midgets xxx