Synchronized Heartbeats

Written By: TCOOKIES777

Chapter 40: Love Lost

The briny scent of the sea filled Gou's nose, seemingly clinging to her thick coat as she stood in the depths of the water.

One, two, three, four, five.

High above, several seagulls circled above, shrieking for scraps of stray food or prey.

One, two, three, four, five.

The cold tide swept in, soaking her up to her knees. She shivered but didn't move.

One, two, three, four, five.

A gentle breeze carrying the breath of winter sailed through, tearing loose strands from her ponytail.

One, two, three, four, five.

Ten perfect little toes and ten perfect little fingers. Gou had counted each and every one of them individually until the sight was burned into her brain. That way, she would never forget what the child in her womb looked like. Granted, she was now twenty-two weeks old compared to the eighteen weeks she'd been during her first prenatal appointment. The baby would obviously be more developed and larger now, but these ultrasound photos were the only photos she had of her child. She wouldn't have the chance to give birth and actually hold her baby and touch those squishy toes and fingers.

Even to this day, Gou still couldn't help but wonder if the baby was a boy oy a girl. She wondered if the child would've looked more like her or her brother. Would it have grown up to have Rin's sharp features? The shark teeth? The chiseled jaw? Piercing eyes? Or would it have had Gou's soft looks? Her plump cheeks? Pouty lips? Would her child have shared Gou's interest in muscles too? Would it even matter since its parents were siblings? Perhaps the baby would grow up to look like a much younger sibling of Rin and her, but Gou didn't care about that. Or, more like she couldn't afford to care. It was pointless to fantasize about what their child would look like.

It was pointless to hope. After all, not all dreams could be made real.

She would never get to hear the first cries of her baby entering this world. She would never know what it's like to finally lay her eyes on the life she'd conceived for the past months. She wouldn't know the pains of labor or the struggle of pushing that child out of her belly so that she may hold that warm bundle of joy in her arms. She wouldn't know how it would feel for that hungry mouth to feed on her heavy breasts nor would she ever get to name her child.

Well, it's not like I had time to think of names for it anyway, but…

Gou sighed and then wiped at the hot tears rushing down her cheeks. She licked the salt from her lips before pressing her mouth to the laminated photos in her hand. "I'm sorry," she whispered, sweeping a thumb across the sepia image of her baby's face. "This is my fault. I'm… so sorry."

One by one, she let the photos slip from her fingers and into the sea, blinking back the tears as the strong current carried the pictures farther away from her. They were quick to sink beneath the rugged waves, disappearing forever to be buried in the depths of the deep sea. But one last photo remained in Gou's grip as she could not find it in herself to let go of it. She was holding onto the last proof that she'd ever carried her brother's child; the remaining memento of the baby inside her. Her mind told her to let go—begged her—but her heart cried out in protest.

I need to throw it away, Gou told herself. All proof that I'd ever been pregnant before anyone finds out. Besides, there wasn't really any need to keep the photo anyway; in a few hours, her womb would be wiped clean of the precious life inside. Yet, no matter how much Gou tried to let go, her body would just not obey. Her fingers tightened onto the photo, crinkling the edge where she held it. It was like a war raged within her, her mind versus her heart, and this time her trembling came not from the cold bite of the water numbing her legs but from an ache that resonated so deep and profound. It seemed like the cracks in her heart were beginning to spread, crumbling away to leave a gaping hole.

Darkness and all sorts of twisted feelings thrived in that chasm. An amalgam of something that was not her—not any part of Gou—had begun to brew in the vulnerable cracks of her soul.

Biting her lip, Gou peered up at the grey sky, her sight bleary with a fresh wave of tears. The Matsuoka family had never been that religious, and Gou did not believe in any god, but she wondered if there might be someone out there in this vast world who would hear her cries. Smiling wryly, she lowered her face to wipe the tears on the sleeve of her coat before they could freeze over. Ah, it doesn't matter anyway.

God or no god, she was way past the point of no return.

A harsh wind whipped her ponytail to the side and Gou raised an arm to shield her face from the spray of saltwater, tucking the remaining photo against her chest. By the time she opened her eyes, the photos she'd dropped into the sea were long gone. She'd thrown out the prenatal vitamins earlier this morning before today's garbage truck had arrived. The birth control pills had also been tossed, and Gou had taken a moment to consider throwing away Rin's remaining condoms but that meant having to enter his room. She was not ready to have to breathe in the lingering pinewood and chlorine scent of the man who'd stolen her heart and broken it. She was not ready to be surrounded by such intimate memories of her first and only love. Everywhere she went, however, her brother seemed to follow her everywhere. His image could be found in the chair opposite of hers at the dinner table; traces of him with his cedar pine shampoo in the bathroom; the [air of black slippers by the entrance. She could escape the evidence of their forbidden romance and the pregnancy that'd resulted from it, but Gou could never escape her brother.

"You deserved to meet him though," she mumbled to the ultrasound photo pinched tightly between her fingers. "At least once… I wanted him to see your adorable little toes and fingers… and your squishy face. Regardless of Onii-chan's answer, I thought he deserved to meet you. And you… you deserved to meet him." Shaking her head, Gou swallowed back the lump in her throat. "I'm sorry, I tried."

I'm sorry. That seemed to be the only thing she could say to everyone these days. I'm sorry for this. I'm sorry for that. Since when had she become so pathetic? Even Gou didn't recognize herself anymore, and the constant texts from Hana checking in on her seemed to prove her point. If she were to face her best friend right now, she was sure that Hana would never leave her side out of concern. Right now, Hana still had a few more days before she'd be returning home from vacation with the family. But Gou already had dragged Sousuke into her mess; she didn't need to place such a heavy burden on Hana either. That wasn't the real problem though. She had no idea how Hana would take to discovering Gou was pregnant with Rin's child. Would Hana react the same way as Sousuke did? Assume Gou had been raped by her brother?

Sousuke-kun…

Ever since last night, things had been… well, awkward would be an understatement. They hadn't seen each other in person but the brief distance and time apart hadn't exactly restored things back to normal. She had crossed a line, using Sousuke to take out her frustrations. He had blamed it on the pregnancy hormones, and that was partly true but…. That immature, bratty part of Gou she'd locked away since her father's death had stepped out to seek vengeance against her brother. It was petty, wanting to hurt him the way he'd hurt her and using her pregnancy as an excuse. Of course, Rin would never know of what she'd done with Sousuke, but the fact remained that she had gone behind her brother's back and allowed another man to touch her. Sure, they didn't exactly go all the way and it was more like a simulation of sex rather than the actual thing, but it didn't change what'd happened.

It didn't change the fact that both Gou and Sousuke had shared mutual feelings about it. Their hips had met with equal fervor and she remembered vividly how solid and hot he'd felt against her folds. And she hated how her body had ached with the desire to be stretched and filled up all the way and the solution had been pressed between her thighs, rubbing her wet pussy and testing her resolve. It took the last shreds of Gou's willpower to keep her hands from peeling Sousuke's damn boxers off and sheathing that erect heat to stowe the ache in her belly. Guilt had flooded her system at that time, but the pleasure had been far more overwhelming. When the orgasm hit her, she never expected to be hit with several, all short but terrifyingly intense to the point that she'd lost consciousness shortly after.

For the briefest moment, during that height of blinding ecstasy, Gou had seen Rin's face in her mind behind that blindfold, and she swore it had prolonged her orgasm by at least a split second. After it was all over, and reality came crashing down, all that had remained was the guilt. Still, Sousuke had quietly held her in his warm embrace, accepting all her faults without criticism. Yet, although they'd both agreed that last night never happened, would they be able to act that way with each other in person?

Could Sousuke still stand her touch? Gou didn't even know how he could even stand her sorry ass after weeks of babysitting her. If he had younger siblings like Makoto-senpai did, then she could understand his impeccable patience with her. Except Sousuke didn't have any younger siblings, and he didn't even treat her like one in the first place. I mean, siblings wouldn't do what we did last night, she thought, but then snorted upon realizing her own hypocrisy.

The buzz in her pocket interrupted her thoughts and sent Gou's anxiety skyrocketing. Even without checking the text, she knew what he'd sent to her, but it still filled her heart with dread to read the message: 'I'm almost there'

'Okay, omw' she typed back.

Early that morning, he had asked Gou if she was sure that she didn't want him to drive her to the clinic. When she'd declined the offer, he hadn't pressed her for a reason why and Gou was grateful for that. The last time she'd come to this side of the beach where the cliff separated the public area from this secret spot, Rin had chided her for being reckless. Sousuke definitely would've followed Rin's lead and probably refuse to let Gou come here. Thankfully, the tide was low at this time so Gou didn't have to worry about making it back to the other side of the cliff. She only needed to follow the shallow steps that outlined the cliff face. Still, if Sousuke knew where she was now, he'd surely have the same reaction as her brother did. But she needed to be here today of all days.

This was the secret spot that belonged to Rin and her.

Where her brother had proposed that Gou accuse him of rape if their incestuous relationships were ever discovered. Where she'd given him their first proper blow job and then asked him to make love to her. This was where he'd held her in his arms after, shielding her from the harsh reality of the world.

This was the one place where they could hide away from the world without fear of discovery. Even if it was only for a little while… that short reprieve where they could love each other in the open had made every second here worthwhile. It was why she'd chosen this place to say her goodbyes to her unborn child. Somehow, no matter the distance, the sea always felt like the place where Gou could connect with Rin's heart. She hoped that the child in her belly could feel that connection to its father right now, more so than Gou could at the moment.

"Can you feel him?" she asked, peering down at her baby bump. "Can you feel your papa? I always believed that the sea bridged Onii-chan's heart with mine. Maybe his heart is bridged with yours now… but I'm sorry. It's time to say goodbye."

Or so she said, but her feet refused to budge despite the icy water numbing Gou to her knees. There was no watch to check, but it was obvious how she was stalling for time, contemplating the dull grey sky rather than hurrying to meet Sousuke. Both hands were pressed to her belly, memorizing the feel of the round shape. It seemed like an eternity had passed until there was that familiar flutter in her lower belly. Whatever fear that'd been clawing its way up her throat was replaced by a breathless chuckle, followed by the fell of another tear that disappeared into the sea like the photos she'd discarded just then.

On wobbly legs, she retreated back to shore, clutching the rough face of the cliff as she carefully trekked her way back. Her feet were numb and sore, but the fingers stuffed in her pocket were hot as she clutched the single ultrasound photo of her baby.

Onward, she walked. At times, her knees would buckle and Gou would have to grab something for support. Sometimes, she had to take a moment to collect herself. Gather a bit more strength to go on even though she needed her brother at her side now more than ever. Gou didn't know how she did it, but eventually found herself on the main street that branched out as the shopping district. The streets were nearly empty this early in the morning as most people didn't want to spend their time outside in the freezing cold. The time for giving gifts was already over as well, leaving the few stragglers to loiter around, but nobody gave Gou so much as a mere glance.

Passing through the alleyway, Gou came upon the little hallway fitted inconspicuously between two larger buildings just at the end of the block. Right by the entrance, Sousuke stood there, keeping a vigilant eye out. For some reason, his gaze was hard and cold, almost threatening as he swept his eye across an elderly woman passing by. If Gou didn't know any better, it seemed like he was trying to intimidate…

Wait, is he trying to scare off anyone who might try to… scare women like me off?

Teal eyes finally landed on her and Sousuke straightened up, hands slipping out of his pocket to wave unsurely at her before wrapping the back of his neck. The scowl on his face had melted away to something gentle when he'd seen her, but those bright eyes had also filled with an anguish that drained Gou of the last of her strength.

She stopped.

Memories of Rin smiling, laughing, and making love to her flashed in her mind, filling her gut with doubt. His lips brushing against her own before pressing on flushed skin. Garnet eyes, heavy-lidded with lust and wholesome love, gazing back at her own. Wicked sharp teeth glinting like a predator catching his prey before he imprinted that smile against her own. She could practically feel her brother dragging his fingertips down her ribs, stopping at her belly to splay his fingers there in a possessive but also protective manner. As if the ghost of him was at her side right now, his love an aching presence that haunted her every step.

'I love you, Gou,' that ghost whispered into her ear like a forlorn lover. Phantom arms wrapped around her midsection from behind and Gou couldn't help but shiver with pleasure as she imagined her brother holding her own hands against her swollen belly.

And the question she'd been asking herself these past months blasted in her mind like a blowhorn: did she want this?

Her legs were like noodles as she took a few hesitant steps over the crosswalk. There was this horrible, deafening silence in her ears and all she could hear was her own rapid breathing and her heart pounding aloud.

Did she really want to destroy something she knew she would love?

As she stopped on the edge of the curb, something seemed to possess Gou, her body moving on its own, sluggish and trembling. Breaking eye contact with Sousuke, she followed where her hand had dipped into the pocket of her coat. The glossy photo gleamed from the angle she held it and Gou raised it higher, holding the image of her baby before her.

My baby… The baby Onii-chan and I made together.

And as Gou swept a finger across that cute button nose that belonged to her child, her bottom lip began to quiver. Did it really matter if Rin didn't love her the way she wanted him to? This was their child… No, Gou thought, it doesn't matter. Rin may not love her as a woman now, but he did when this child had been conceived. He had loved her as she loved him in the moments they'd made love together, and that was how they'd made this child. At the end of the day, this child was still the fruit of their labor and love.

At the end of the day, this abortion wasn't about Rin. It was about this child in her belly.

She had gotten into this pregnancy thinking that Rin and his love was an essential part of it. That she would not be able to make it through without the support of her baby's father. But even though Rin had lied, cheated, and betrayed her… it did nothing to lessen the love she bore for their child. This child was still a gift Rin had given to her, whether he'd intended to or not. How could she not love it? How could she kill that innocent love?

Even now, her heart raced wild in her chest, spurned on by so much love that Gou felt she'd drown from it. And every ounce of the love that made her heart swell with life seemed to yearn for that tiny heart beating in her womb—seeking a connection that could only be felt. Just like how the sea made her feel connected to Rin.

I want to keep this baby, she finally dared to think.

It was like a dam had broken free within her, a storm of emotions tearing its way out as she struggled to keep her knees from buckling. Sucking in a breath, she shoved the photo back into her pocket and tried to take another step to Sousuke—to the abortion clinic. But the weight in her pocket suddenly felt like she was carrying a brick and Gou's foot froze against the cement, the heel of her shoe just resting there. Slowly, as her shoulders quaked with anxiety, Gou raised her gaze to Sousuke's. He watched her, dark brows pinching together as he considered her hesitation from afar.

Understanding brightened in his teal stare when Gou drew her foot back and then shook her head. "I want to keep this baby," she whispered.

As if he'd read her lips, Sousuke's face collapsed with both relief and commiseration. The weight in Gou's pocket seemed to lighten, as did the pressure in her chest and all that she'd locked deep in the chasms of her heart for months. Pain, grief, sorrow, and fear seemed to spill out from that dark well inside her in one swoop of the breath, and with it came the hot rush of tears once more.

Do not cry, she told herself. Not today.

But the more she fought to suppress her emotions and hide away the pain again, the more tears that raced down her cheek. Inhaling deeply, Gou withdrew the photo of the ultrasound once more to look at the baby that remained snug in her belly, hoping to find some semblance of comfort elsewhere. Better that than to meet Sousuke in the eye and let him bear witness to her deplorable self. Pivoting away from him, she stepped back down from the curbside, rubbing at the tears that blurred her sight.

That second of distraction was all that was needed for a sudden, severe lash of the wind to rip the photo out of her numb fingertips, followed by a sharp gasp of distress from Gou. She jerked a hand out in a frantic chase for her photo now flying away. Swiveling around all too quickly, she was caught off balance by the added weight of her belly, and her ankle turned on an awkward angle.

The next second happened in a blur that Gou would have trouble remembering the details of it later on.

A sharp screech of wheels had filled her ears, piercing the hush of the streets. Gou barely had time to register the sound before something slammed into her. The next thing she knew, the dim grey sky was filling her vision instead of the blurry sight of her baby's ultrasound photo.

Oh, it's starting to snow, she could not help but notice as tiny white flakes melted on her face like frozen kisses.

The foul odor of burning rubber stung at her nose, forcing Gou to realize she was now lying uncomfortably on the cold pavement and there were shadows—no, people—moving about her. Strange voices she didn't recognize spoke to—to me? But their voices were muffled as if she were sinking deep into the sea. Opening her mouth, Gou tried to ask for help, but all that came out was a painful moan.

She frowned, and it took a great, painful effort to turn her head aside and peer over to where Sousuke still stood by the clinic's entrance. Except, the gentle features of his face were now contorted into an expression of wide-eyed horror. She reached a hand out to him, her arm scraping weakly along the pavement, and Gou's frown deepened when she noticed the blood coating the tips of her fingers. Beyond those bloody fingers, she could see Sousuke moving in her peripheral vision, sprinting towards her.

She could swear that he was screaming her name, but strangely she barely heard him. It didn't matter anymore. The edges of her vision darkened, the black spreading across as Gou struggled to keep her eyes open on Sousuke.

Ah, I'm drowning, she thought faintly.

And as the darkness took over, Gou thought of her brother. She thought of tracing the sharp edge of his jaw with a finger before cupping those sculpted cheeks in both hands. She thought of pressing her thumb to those lips and teasing his mouth open until his ridiculously sharp teeth glinted dangerously, reminiscent of a predator. A shark, she'd often teased him with the name when they were children who still bathed together. She thought of how, even though she wished to express the fury of her heart with, 'I hate you', she wanted nothing more than to breathe the words, 'I love you' against Rin's mouth and seal that vow with a kiss.

With the last dregs of her consciousness, she echoed aloud the feelings that beat in her heart, "Onii-chan… save me."

Once she blacked out, her mind began to fill with... not pain or sorrow. Instead, Gou began to dream of a young man with hair and eyes as vibrant as a ruby, and he was swimming towards her, away from the light of the surface and towards the deep depths of the sea where she continued to sink towards. He reached out an arm corded with muscle and power, and it took every ounce of Gou's strength to stretch out her own arm in return.

Their fingers grazed lightly against each other, but she continued to fall to the shadowy tendrils from the outskirts of the dream. And in that dream, Gou closed her eyes, hoping she wouldn't awaken anytime soon.

The first thing Rin noticed upon stepping off the train was the heavy fall of snow that'd suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He'd sworn the forecast this morning had reported a light fall, so it'd surprised him when a brisk wind had forced a torrent of snowflakes directly towards his face, leaving him cold and soaking. Rubbing his sleeve across his wet cheek, Rin slicked his hair back and took in his surroundings.

Of course, since it was the early morning, there were hardly many people around compared to the usual weekday traffic. Still, there was always something disjointing about moving from college back into his hometown. He could never put a finger on what it was, but the difference between life at Kanoya and here was like comparing a sunset to a sunrise. Was it the type of people here? It was a small town, so there was a homely vibe to it that could not be found in the big city where the people acted like it was a dog-eat-dog-world. But here, the people were also… Rin wasn't sure if narrow-minded was the right word, but something like that. It'd only inspired him to work hard and get out of here. Home was home but, at some point, he had to leave the nest and that urge to see more beyond this small town had fueled him to dream bigger.

But, of course, he just had to fall in love with his little sister. And were it not for his feelings for Gou, Rin would not have held himself back the way that he'd been doing these past months. Sure, he'd sealed the deal with Bob Bowman, and his move to America was inevitable, but as long as Gou remained here, so did a part of Rin.

She carried a piece of his heart ever since the day of their consummation. No matter how much it hurt to be apart from her, Rin would willingly deal with such heartache because he was far happier to know that piece of his heart was being treasured by the one he loved.

Fingering the soft velvet box in his coat pocket, Rin adjusted the strap of his duffel bag and turned towards home. Thoughts of what he wanted to say to Gou filled his mind the entire walk. His heart began to race with the excitation of seeing her again, but anxiety also squeezed his heart tight when he remembered that things between them weren't so good at the moment.

But, he tried to calm himself, this ring will make her day.

And the thought of making his sister smile twisted the fear in his chest into an elation that left butterflies in his stomach. Scratching at the stubble lining his chin, Rin raised his face to the sky once more, letting the icy flakes soothe the hotness in his cheeks. But then a soft smile tilted Rin's lips when he reached the front gates of his house, and that elation in his chest soared to new heights.

Tap, tap, tap!

He paused, frowning at the sudden interruption of the morning silence.

Tap… Tap… Tap….

Rin glanced side to side, looking around for the source of the bothersome noise.

Tap..! Tap..! Tap..!

His eyes flicked over to Gou's bedroom window, narrowing at the sight of the black crow pecking at the glass pane.

"Hey!" He hissed at the damn bird. "Psst!"

Tap! Tap—

The crow cocked its head at him, considering the young man for a second or two before resuming the knock on Gou's window. Ire spiked in Rin at the dumb bird's response, followed by the concern that its incessant knocking might wake up Gou. At this time in the morning, Rin knew she'd be sleeping in, and he'd planned to surprise her with his return home.

So he picked up a pebble and tossed it just near enough to get the crow's attention, hissing, "Hey! Get away from there!"

Tap, tap… The crow stopped again, head tipping side to side as it eyed the nuisance now tossing rocks at it.

He tossed another pebble, hoping he didn't look like a mad man to any passing neighbor. "Leave her alone!"

"Caw!" The bird shrieked out suddenly, and Rin winced at the loud sound that surely would force his sister awake.

Flapping its wings, the bird flew off, still cawing in retaliation. Rin was half-tempted to flip it the bird, but he'd rather see Gou than spend another needless second out here in the cold. Shaking his head, he slipped into the house as quietly as he could, hoping his sister was still asleep so that he could surprise her as planned. As soon as he stepped through the threshold, he was welcomed by the faint traces of Gou's strawberry scent, a telltale sign of the girl who lived here. In response, something warm stirred low in his abdomen, accompanied by the fluttering happiness that throbbed in his chest, and Rin took a moment to inhale as much of that strawberry fragrance.

There was almost a hop to his steps as Rin began tiptoeing his way up the stairs, following that homely scent to where it was strongest, passing his own room to reach Gou's. Reaching for the doorknob, he paused to let a hand run through his hair first, slicking back the bangs into place and hoping he looked well-groomed enough, though there was nothing he could do about the stubble on his jaw.

Sucking in a breath to steady his nerves, Rin gently opened Gou's room, his smile widening as he turned his gaze to the bed where Gou was…. Gone?

Blinking in confusion, he stepped fully into the room and did a complete turn-around to confirm his sister's absence. When he saw the room was empty for sure, he called her name aloud, letting his voice echo through the empty house. The silence was his only answer, telling Rin that he was indeed alone. Upon realizing this, he tried to call Gou's cell, but then nearly threw his phone in a panic when she failed to pick up after three attempts. He then made the decision to call Sousuke, hoping his friend would have an idea as to where the youngest Matsuoka had disappeared to.

While the phone rang, Rin spent that waiting moment fearing that Gou had been kidnapped. Such a nightmare made his palms clammy, but he remembered that there'd been no forced signs of entry when he'd passed through the house. Plus, her room lacked any signs of a struggle that might've happened had an intruder tried to take Gou from her bed. Even so, dread continued to flood his system like a drug, spiking his heartrate and prompting Rin to lean against the edge of Gou's desk.

The line finally clicked into place and he straightened up, the questions pouring out instantly. "Sousuke? Hey, I just got home but I don't see Gou around? You know if she went out? Or—"

"Rin, listen to me," his friend spoke, voice quiet as always, but strangely solemn. "I need you to stay calm. Something…"

Trepidation squeezed tight in Rin's chest, leaving him struggling to breathe as if he were drowning. That same fear from earlier seemed to slam into him so that he collapsed into the desk chair, consternation and apprehension mingling like two wild beasts clawing their way out his ribcage.

"Something happened to Gou…."

As Sousuke continued to explain the gist of the situation, Rin found himself struggling to hear over the high pitched ringing in his ears. His free hand, shaking uncontrollably, slowly slid into the depths of his pocket to hold the velvet box containing the ring. The ring he'd meant to surprise Gou with. The ring he'd practically sold his body to Ami for. The ring meant to be worn by his sister who was at this moment...

Sousuke was still talking, frantic now, but his words went through one ear and out the other as all Rin could do was squeeze the velvet box, wishing it was Gou's hand he could be squeezing right now instead.

A/N: According to Japanese superstition, a crow's caw means something bad will happen such as an accident, illness, or a natural disaster.

I'm gonna be honest, with the tumultuous state of the current political climate, I'm feeling emotionally, mentally, and even physically drained due to personal complications that have arisen from this political conflict. With that said, please excuse any glaring spelling/grammar errors because I caught an embarrassing amount when I was giving this chapter's draft a quick review/revise treatment and I'm too tired to not just publish this chapter.

As always, thank you for reading and I hope you all are continuing to stay healthy, safe, and responsible!