Discussion about most events from chapter twenty four until now so there are references to rape, consensual sexual activity, and trauma. As always take care of yourselves and thank you for reading!
Virgil once again found himself sitting on the floor of the living room as they were gathered to discuss their current situation again. It was identical to the day following his first date, other than the fact everyone seemed a bit tense instead of just Virgil.
"Been awhile since we've had this type of serious conversation as a big group," Virgil chuckled trying to ease the tension.
"I'm not entirely sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing," Roman pointed out.
"Better late than never I suppose," Logan said.
"Sorry," Patton apologized, rubbing his arms.
"No need to apologize Angel, we are all responsible for that fact," Roman quickly pointed out.
"I have no idea what you are talking about. I've done no such thing," Virgil smirked.
"Says the person who pouted in a field for hours on end, everyday for a week and a half," Roman said, bending forward towards Virgil.
"Says the person who not so secretly hid behind a tree staring at me for that week and a half," Virgil counted, poking Roman in the forehead.
"What? I am incredibly curious and concerned by why that was a situation you were both in and why I did not know about any of it," Logan said, raising a curious brow.
"Because it wasn't wasn't a big deal."
"Because that was the healthier of the two coping mechanisms I was observing."
"What?" Virgil asked, turning his gaze away from Logan and back to Roman.
"Haha, what?" Roman laughed nervously, rubbing awkwardly at the back of his neck.
Patton let out a groan from where he sat at the end of the couch as he buried his red face in his arms.
"Patt?" Virgil asked curiously, looking between the two of them for answers.
"Roman, might have, sorta, been helping me out a bit when I didn't want to be alone. I didn't always spend the night on the couch. I skipped a few times but I had a tendency to… visit Roman at night while you were with Logan. I asked for things that probably aren't the best way to cope with what was actually on my mind," Patton replied sheepishly.
"And I suppose this is where we'll be starting with our conversation. If you are willing to at least, I cannot and will not force any answers out of any of you, unless you are partaking in a dangerous activity. I'd like to know why the two of you, or three of you if we are to count Roman's silence about both situations, to explain what lead up to these occurrences and what can be done to make sure they don't keep occurring, and if they do that they are dealt with healthily," Logan suggested.
Virgil let out a sigh as he leaned back.
"Well, as I said it wasn't a big deal for me. I just was having trouble saying around all of you for a long time because all of the change was getting to me. Like I don't want to ignore everything that happened, but I also didn't want it to be too big of a deal either. Kinda selfish I know but change scared me a bit, but Roman helped me out a bit and realized it was just going to take time to work everything out. I just… I was already dealing with my own guilt over what happened and then on top of that I was thinking about how Roman didn't want to talk about it, how you, Logan, were frequently asking permission for basically being within a foot of me, and how I managed to convince myself Patton hated me for a while. As I said, it was stupid, I've been dealing with it better lately and for the most part everything has worked itself out. It's nothing for any of you to worry about," Virgil replied, ending his comment with a shrug.
"Virgy, I could never hate you. I'm sorry I made you feel like that," Patton apologized.
"No, no, no. I totally get why you were acting the way you were, I just let my insecurities get the better of me," Virgil reassured him, waving his hands frantically.
He then reached up, allowing Patton to be the one to take his hand. Once their hands were connected Virgil began dragging his thumb soothingly over Patton's knuckles, doing his best to give him a comforting smile.
"You mentioned having guilt over what happened with Deceit. Roman mentioned that this morning as well. How are you doing with that? Do you want to talk about it?" Logan asked, choosing his words cautiously as if expecting it would trigger Virgil.
Virgil shook his head, not yet letting go of Patton's hand.
"I've talked about that pretty well with Roman. I regret hurting him to that extent because I feel like that wasn't the answer to my problems. Buuuut at the same time, I've come to terms with it and even feel a little proud, if that makes sense? I mean, I've always felt so much smaller and weaker than him. If I tried to fight back against him I was always physically or verbally beaten back down into my place but I won this time. I genuinely held my ground against him, and Rage too for that matter. I guess as time goes on I can't help but feel a sense of accomplishment, I fought back on my own," Virgil said, his voice growing a bit distant but remaining a pleasant tone.
Roman smiled and leaned down to ruffle Virgil's hair, cautious of the ears.
"You're much stronger than you, or any of them, give you credit for," Roman replied proudly.
Logan gave please hum.
"Seems you've gotten everything sorted out already. I'm proud of you, Virgil," Logan mused.
Virgil dipped his head shyly.
"I'm not that much better. I still don't think I'm ready to quite go back to everything I was doing before. I mean I'm usually okay with hugging and cuddling unless said otherwise but I'm still not entirely sure I want to like on the lips kiss again yet and I definitely don't think I'm ready again for what I did with Patton that day," He said, his face burning with embarrassment as his hand tightened slightly around Patton's.
"I'm curious, as to what you and Patton got up to that you would feel uncomfortable doing again at this point in time," Roman muttered suspiciously.
"I believe Patton did bring up the fact he and Virgil did something intimate before Deceit's arrival," Logan stated.
Virgil could feel his blush spreading to his ears and chest as he ducked his head even further.
"Let's just say I found a rather sensitive spot on Virgil," Patton said in an attempt to end the line of conversation without giving much details.
"And I got a bit carried away," Virgil added quietly, before he let out a disheartened sigh. "It sucks that the dark side thing happened when it did, I had actually felt really good and happy during it so I thought, maybe, I could start trying to take small steps towards things that were a little more intimate. D-don't get me wrong! I still want to eventually. I just don't think I could handle it right now," Virgil said.
Logan gave him an understanding nod and gave a thoughtful hum.
"Perfectly understandable Virgil. Now," Logan turned his attention to the moral side. "Patton, do you have any comments about your own, recent 'coping' you've done with Roman?"
Patton gave Virgil's hand a final squeeze before letting go of him to rest his hands neatly in his lap. He then looked over at Roman for permission to speak freely about what had been going on and he received a nod.
"I'm sure you and Roman both heard me talking to Virgil about it earlier. It's just been giving me a hard time. I struggle to fall asleep and when I am asleep I've been having frequent nightmares of either what happened or related to it in some way. I also have negative voices in my head and intrusive memories of the event. I don't like them, I wanted to get rid of them anyway I could without having to tell you guys and make you worried. I can see now that my decisions just made things worse. But I just wanted everything to be quiet and to not have to remember and to exhaust myself into hopefully getting to sleep soundly. I had Roman help me 'relax' several times," Patton said, occasionally stumbling awkwardly over his words. "B-but you guys don't need to worry. I'll try my best to find a better way of dealing with it."
Roman pulled Patton into a sideways hug.
"I'll be there to help you every step of the way, we all will," Roman promised.
"Which brings us to you, Roman. I believe it is your turn to discuss what has been on your mind can all benefit from some healthy communication," Logan pointed out.
Roman blinked at him in surprise before recoiling sighly, feeling a little exposed and vulnerable.
"Well I guess I've been feeling a bit stressed out. I don't really like thinking about all that's happened and I also didn't know whether or not to share what was going on with each of you with the others. But don't worry about it. I'm good. It's nothing your brave and fearless knight cannot handle," Roman reasoned.
"Do make sure you are taking time to worry about yourself instead of just others. Like everyone else we were recently in a rather negative situation. This is without mentioning that there is such a thing as secondary traumatic stress which you could be subjected to," Logan said.
"In that case you need to keep that advice in mind for yourself, Lo," Patton chimed in.
"Hmm? Well of course, although I don't harbor any negative emotions to dwell on in relation to what happened. Of course I found the situation disturbing and wish for it never to happen again, as well as guilt for being the one responsible for improperly locking the house. But I find it to be more beneficial to not dwell on my emotions and move forward. As of the moment I'm simply just concerned over trying to help you, Virgil, so you hopefully won't lose too much of the progress you have made in healing. I apologize if I may have seemed a bit too 'extra' in my efforts. I had no intention of making the situation harder for you," Logan apologized.
"Logan, you literally just got done telling Roman to make sure he worries about himself and you are doing the exact opposite," Virgil scolded, his tail flicking across the floor.
"I'm not saying I won't take care of myself. I'm simply stating I don't believe I'm struggling with dwelling on any of the trauma you've experienced and linking my own helplessness into the situation. I believe that there is always something I can do to help all of you and even if it is hard to know about the trauma the has been inflicted on the people I care about and it is hard to watch them suffering with said trauma, I do believe I am capable to handling myself and keeping myself from developing any secondary trauma of my own," Logan replied sounding quite honest and sincere.
Virgil let out a sigh through his nose figuring that would be the best response he could hope for from Logan.
"Is there anything else anyone would like to metaphorically get off their chest?" Logan asked.
Roman and Patton were quick to shake their heads. Virgil, however, hesitated for a moment. He did have a question, something he had given little thought but was still curious about.
"Virgil? You seem a little lost in thought again," Roman asked worriedly, scooting forward on the couch cushion, ready to slip onto the floor if he felt Virgil needed him.
"It's nothing. I just might possibly have a question and a potential request," Virgil stated.
"Ask away Gatito, we'll give you our best answer."
"Well, it's actually about something Deceit said," Virgil saw all of them, especially Patton, go ridged. "Nothing bad, honest. It was just a passing comment he made while he was pretending to be Patton. He told me that 'Logan had been discussing exposure therapy'. Obviously I didn't like what he did in the name of this because I felt rushed and obviously he hurt me, but I don't know… As much as I don't give him credit for it he is pretty smart. If he said that as something that you would have said I just have the feeling it is something that would genuinely help. So I was curious as to what exactly it is," Virgil said, looking down at where he was picking at the fur of his tail again.
"Well to put it in the simplest terms I can think of it as a therapy in which a person is exposed to a gradually increasing degree of a stimuli that causes an undesirable fear response, while keeping the individual in a safe setting. It is most commonly used for patients with anxiety or phobias. For example if an individual has arachnophobia like Patton they might start off with discussions about spiders, then they might move onto images of spiders, videos of spiders, a spider in a box across the room, gradually increasing the stimulus until the individual no longer exhibits an unreasonable fear response. It is one of the therapies using conditioning techniques. Another one using classical conditioning that is similar goes a step further and presents a stimulus that has a desired response immediately after the negative stimuli is introduced, thus creating a more positive connotation to the formerly negative stimuli," Logan replied.
"I…" Virgil bit his lip as he considered his words for a moment. "I wanna give that a try, if you are willing. Not immediately, I know I need some time. But eventually I want to give it a try. I want to be able to associate more intimate relationships with something positive because I want that type of relationship for myself. It'll probably be difficult but if you guys are willing to help me out…"
"Are you sure you want to try it Virgil?" Logan asked.
"Positive," Virgil replied.
"So is there any specific sign you'll have that you want to start trying that or will you just sit us all down for a conversation again?" Patton asked.
"Hmm… knowing how awkward I am I'll probably start over thinking things and be too nervous to start the conversation verbally. How about this. When I decide I want to talk about it again, I'll bake an apple pie," Virgil suggested.
"Why an apple pie?" Roman asked, raising a brow.
"Because I like apple pie and it's not something I tend to bake with Patton," Virgil replied with a shrug.
Patton leaned down and wrapped his arms around Virgil's shoulders.
"I'm proud of you Baby, I know that if and when you decide to do this, you'll get through it," Patton said.
"Thanks Patt, I'll need your help, all of your help, but yeah I know we can do it," Virgil replied.
They all still had a long way to go, Virgil knew that. They all needed time to heal and accept all the details that had occurred not that long ago, but they'd get past it. Virgil had hope they'd all come out on top of it as long as they kept relying on each other.