Chapter 49

"Levi, the phone's for you," Tamara said. "And no, it's not Bri."

Levi smiled. Bri had left a week ago, and she had called a few times, as if she needed to check that nothing had changed.

"I didn't ask," he said.

"I know you didn't." She held out the phone.

Levi took it.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Mr. Carew. It's Zahara McGee."

"Good afternoon. What can I do for you?"

"I have been trying to get Tim to go running again in the mornings, but because that is where he was taken, he has been very anxious about it. I know that he looked forward to the times when you were there after his run before, and I think it would help him if you were there."

"I can't go running with him, I'm afraid," Levi said. "Walking is the best I can do these days."

"Oh, no. That was not what I meant," Zahara said. "I hoped you could do as you used to and be there when he finished to talk to him. You were the one who made sure everyone knew right away that he had been taken. I think it would help him."

"Tim doesn't know you're asking me this, does he."

He could hear Zahara's smile.

"No. He is with his parents, trying to convince them that it's time for them to go home. They've been here for a couple of months now, and it's been wonderful, but Tim is no longer in the same state as he was, and we can manage."

"How sure are you that you'll get him there?"

"Not fully, but if you are willing, I could send you a message when he leaves. That would give you time to get there."

Levi thought about it, but not for very long. If Tim needed this, he'd do it, and it wouldn't wear him out at all.

"Of course, I can do that. Send me a message when you know if he'll be doing it and I'll be there."

"Thank you so much." There was a pause and then Zahara laughed a little. "I don't know how to refer to you. Would you prefer your first name or your last name? Even after the years I've been here, I still don't fully understand how it all works."

"That's because there's no one way. There are as many ways as there are people, but you can feel free to call me whatever makes you the most comfortable."

"Just like everything in this country. Very well, Levi. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Good-bye."

Levi hung up and looked at Tamara. To his surprise, she was smiling.

"What?"

Then, Tamara grinned.

"Tomorrow is Thursday," she said and then walked away.

Levi looked after her, feeling a little nonplussed. Then, he just shrugged and went back to his book.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Tim, you know that we're glad you're doing so well now, but... are you sure you're ready?" Naomi asked. "You know that we can stay."

"You can, but you shouldn't," Tim said. "I'm not... 100 percent yet, but I'm getting there, and I'll keep getting there. You've put your lives on hold for me, and I appreciate it, but you don't have to anymore."

"You haven't let us help you almost at all in the last few years, Tim," Sam said. "You can't blame us for making up for that."

Tim smiled a little. "I know...but you can't make up for something that you didn't do. I did it."

"It's something we want to do, not something we feel we have to do," Naomi said. "It's about being there for family, and we haven't been able to do that for you...and you needed it."

Tim shook his head. "No. There was nothing could have done before. You couldn't have stopped the... all the problems I've had."

"No, we couldn't, but we could have been there while you were having them."

Tim sighed, and Sam decided that it was time for the conversation they hadn't been able to have. Tim really was a lot better, and if he was pushing for them to get back to their lives, it might be best to listen to him.

"I think we should talk, Tim," Sam said. "Naomi?"

She nodded. "I'll wait here. You can go out to the park."

Tim didn't protest. He followed Sam out of the café where they'd stopped. Once they got to the park, Tim sat on a bench and Sam wheeled himself as close as he could get.

"Tim?"

"Dad, I promise. I'm not just pushing you away. I really think we can manage now. It's been great that you were here, especially to help Zahara when... and then, when I was first back." Tim swallowed and grimaced. "She needed it."

"And so did you."

Tim leaned forward and stared at the ground.

Sam reached out and touched Tim's arm. "'My family is my strength and my weakness.' Aishwarya Rai Bachchan."

"Who is that?" Tim asked.

"An Indian actress. Not much older than you. I have to keep up with the younger generations."

Tim smiled at the ground.

"And besides, she's right. Isn't she."

"I said no to what they wanted... until they threatened Zahara and Salma. I couldn't risk the possibility. Maybe I should have said no anyway and just assumed that they couldn't actually get to them, but I couldn't do that. I couldn't risk losing my wife and my daughter. ...and my unborn son."

"I think most people would feel the same way, Tim."

"Most people weren't being forced to... betray the country. I could have put the lives of millions at risk to save three."

Sam reached out and forced Tim to sit up and look at him.

"You did your best to save both and it almost broke you. And thankfully, you have others who were there to help, people from all over, people who were willing to do what it took to find you and get you free. They likely had different reasons for it, but they did it and you can't just look on your actions and decide that they're terrible. Harold Kushner said, 'Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness.' You have a good life, people you love, and it is hard to navigate through it, but you're doing it. Don't ignore the good you've done."

Tim didn't respond. He just looked away.

"And here's a piece of advice from Langston Hughes. 'When people care for you and cry for you, they can straighten your soul.'"

Tim looked back.

"But it could be too much for them."

"If they don't mind it, that's their choice," Sam said. "Zahara would have run off to find you herself if she hadn't been pregnant. She loves you and she's stood by you through it all. Don't reject the help and the love she's offering you."

"I can't do that, anyway."

"Good. Don't."

"Sometimes, I feel like I should, though."

"Don't. Depriving yourself of what makes your life worth living doesn't help anyone. In fact, it could make things worse."

"Yeah, I know," Tim said with a sigh.

"Good. So will you really be all right?"

"Yeah. Eventually. It's tiring still, but I'll make it."

"Okay. Tim, we'll trust you and go home, but you need to promise that you'll keep us in the loop. The only reason Sarah didn't come busting in here was because we asked her to wait, so you know she's going to want to come and visit, to see Jonathan at the very least."

"I know."

"So... promise?"

"I promise, and if I don't, Zahara will."

"Okay. Then, we'll go back to Ohio and you keep working on getting better. Kahlil Jibran said, 'out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.' That's you. You are literally seared with scars, Tim, but you are strong. You can make it and you just need to keep going and don't let your doubts stop you from achieving all you can achieve."

Tim leaned over and hugged him tightly.

"I'm sorry I stopped you from quoting before, Dad," he whispered. "'When I stand before thee at the day's end, thou shalt see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healing.' Rabindranath Tagore."

"It's all right. I can use my own words once in a while. But I'll leave you with one last quote. The Buddha said that 'our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.' So be easy on yourself while you're working through all this."

Tim let him go and then they went back to the café to tell Naomi that they'd be going home and made plans to go out for dinner one last time.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tony sat in his car, wondering if this would really work out. While the idea was appealing, he still wasn't sure about actually dating Ziva. What would Gibbs think if he knew they were deliberately flaunting one of his rules? And would it work out? Right now, it was fine because they were just starting out, but what if they got really serious and then broke up? Could they actually keep working together? If not, who would move and where?

"You're being stupid, DiNozzo," he said to himself. "There are enough complications in your life right now. Just go out to dinner and stop worrying."

Decision made, he got out of the car and walked to Ziva's door. He knocked and then waited.

The door opened and Ziva smiled when she saw him. And Tony was surprised at how nice it was to have someone look happy to see him. He didn't know why it struck him so deeply, but it did. He smiled back.

"Hey. You ready to go?"

"Yes."

They left the building and got into Tony's car. He was relieved that Ziva wasn't dressed too fancy. Slightly nicer than what she wore to work. That was how he was dressed as well. That was the level of restaurant they were going to as well. Nice but not fancy.

"Tony, are you nervous?" Ziva asked.

He glanced over at her and saw her smiling at him.

"No. Are you?"

"A little. I don't want you to feel pressured."

"I don't. Not about this, anyway."

"You do about other things?"

"Yeah, but that's pretty much what therapy is for," he said. "I've been avoiding hard things and I have to be pressured to face them."

"And is it working?"

"Yeah. Dr. Hicks has to smack me down sometimes, but I can admit that I deserve it."

"Why?"

"Because I fall back on talking without saying anything. He doesn't let me get away with it."

"Good. I'm glad."

"So... how are you doing? With... what happened to Ray and everything."

Ziva's expression became solemn, but Tony was glad to see that she wasn't overtly upset.

"It is getting easier. I have spoken to Ducky a few times. He is very comforting when he needs to be."

"Yeah. I miss him at work. I mean, Jimmy's fine. He knows what he's doing and he's a lot more confident than he used to be, but still..."

"He's not Ducky."

"No."

"Oh, well. Times change and people move on. I have never been in a place with so little change before."

"Do you miss it? Israel?"

"No."

Tony looked over again.

"That was quick."

"It took no thought." Then, she smiled again, although it was a sad smile. "I spent a long time thinking about that before. Now, I know that I am home. Israel is where I grew up. It is where I learned much about the world, but here is where I learned how to live. I have no immediate family in Israel any longer, and none of them died naturally. I do miss Schmiel sometimes, and I have some friends there, but this is my home."

"Good."

She looked over at him and her expression lightened.

They continued on to the restaurant and were seated at a table. Tony was looking at the menu and then, suddenly, he had a thought. He looked up, with a bit of concern.

"What is it?" Ziva asked.

"I hadn't even thought about it until right now. Are you doing the kosher thing? I mean, I never really thought about it before, but talking about Israel and everything..."

Ziva's smile was slightly amused.

"No, Tony. I have not kept kosher for years. I would have told you if I was worried about it. Really, I did not keep kosher when I first came to the United States. Only on special feast days."

Tony let out an exaggerated sigh of relief and dramatically wiped his hand across his forehead, but he was actually genuinely relieved that his oversight hadn't been a problem.

"So you are nervous," she said, grinning.

"Okay, maybe a little."

"I am glad that you are taking it seriously, but you don't have to be serious all the time," Ziva said. "That is not who you are. Being goofy is still allowed."

"Hey! I'm not goofy!" Tony protested, but he smiled.

"You are, but that's all right. I do not mind it. Mostly."

"Only mostly?" Tony asked, grinning.

Ziva smiled back. "Well, sometimes, you cover important things with being goofy and then it is irritating, but generally, I don't mind it."

"I guess I can accept that."

Their waiter came and took their order. They talked quite easily all through dinner. Tony paid and then they left and Tony drove Ziva home. Then, Ziva paused at her door and turned back, her expression serious.

"Can I ask, Tony?"

Tony considered pretending he didn't know what she was talking about, but he couldn't do that.

"I haven't talked to him yet."

"It will only get harder the longer you wait."

"I know."

"Then, do it. Soon. Not just for Tim. For you, too. It will be better."

"I'll think about it."

Ziva smiled and then, took Tony by surprise by leaning in and kissing him on the cheek.

"Thank you for dinner, Tony. I enjoyed it. See you tomorrow."

Before he could do or say anything, she went into her apartment and closed the door. For a little while, Tony stood there, thinking about how normal this had been. Dating Ziva had been easy and he had anticipated a lot of awkwardness.

But it had been easy.

As he walked back to his car, he thought about the fact that Dr. Hicks had said things would get easy if Tony had been willing to work on it.

How irritating that he was right. Tony smiled to himself and got into the car. He'd have to be honest and tell him.

Well, there were worse things.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

In a rare moment when both children were sleeping, Tim and Zahara lay together in bed. It still took Tim a long time to relax enough to sleep, and Zahara had taken to singing to him which helped combat the nightmares that still plagued him, but he wasn't ready to try sleeping yet.

"Tim, you should run tomorrow."

Tim smiled a little as he stared up at the dark ceiling.

"If you're trying to help me relax, this isn't doing it."

Zahara smiled as well.

"No, not for tonight, but every step you have taken has been hard, but it has made it easier. You like to run in the mornings. It keeps you in shape. It gets you outside."

"It let them take me."

"That is one time out of years. And yes, it was awful, but you know that you don't need to think of that all the time."

"I know," Tim admitted.

"Will you run tomorrow? For me?"

Tim rolled over and looked at her.

"I know that you don't want to. I know that this is not what you would prefer, but you know that you will want it... in the long term."

Tim took a deep breath.

"Please, Tim? Will you take another step?"

Zahara reached out and gently ran her fingers over the scars around his eye. The physical damage had been minimal this time, but the psychological damage had been bad. From what Gibbs had told her, Tim's first breakdown had been worse, but that didn't make this one easy to deal with. Tim was so much better than he had been, but there was still further to go. Soon, he would be able to return to work and that would help him, too.

But one step at a time.

Tim took hold of her hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed her fingers. It was almost the first time he'd done something that could be interpreted as arising out of love rather than need.

"I'll do it for you," he said softly.

"Thank you," Zahara said. Then, she scooted closer to him and pressed his eyelids closed. "Now, sleep. I will sing to you."

"Some day, I won't need this," he whispered.

"I know. Some things are still hard, but this is easy for me, Tim. I can sing to you."

Tim rolled onto his back and Zahara lay on his torso, gently stroking his chest, listening to his heart which was beating too fast, feeling the nearly-omnipresent tension.

She fell back on the song she had sung to him in the Sahara. It expressed exactly what she wanted for him.

"Hush, lay down your troubled mind
The day has vanished and left us behind
And the wind, whispering soft lullabies
Will soothe, so close your weary eyes."

As she sang the song, she felt Tim begin to relax. His body was less rigid. His heart beat was slower. By the time she finished singing, he was either asleep or almost there. She didn't keep singing. Instead, she lay there, silently praying that Tim's healing would continue, that his fears would be calmed.

If he was happy, she was happy.

But he would run tomorrow.