DAMN, you all have some thoughts. Love it and I agree, enough of the martyrdom of Ana. Enough of the running. Yes she went through a lot of trauma but she has to stop let that define her life. I was a little afraid to read all the reviews when I woke up this morning but was pleasantly surprised that it was more or less what I had envisioned for this chapter when I wrote it. By the way, I disagree with the notion that Ana doesn't love Christian... but that's a thesis for another day. Don't worry though, Ana is about to be called out on her shit. Also, to the one guest reviewer who said 'ana isn't pure.' which i'm assuming you're referring to because she was raped... those are some unwelcome puritan vibes! Love how a woman is considered unpure but a man is considered experienced. Just saying.

Thank you for your reviews and being so passionate about this version of Ana, even in your criticisms of her.

Some of the conversations in this chapter refer to revelations in chapter 29, chapter 39 and chapter 61.

p.s meri jaan means my love or my life in hindi.

Chapter 72 – all my armor falling down

Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

APOV

"You need to stop running. You need to learn to forgive." She says softly and I feel her eyes on me but I avoid her gaze by keeping my gaze fixed upward.

I close my eyes and try to keep the tears at bay before opening them again to see the beautiful burning sky as the sun makes it's descent into night.

"I don't know how." I reply with a wavering voice. I don't think I'm capable of forgiving.

"You need to learn how, Aanu. For your sake and Christian's."

"It doesn't change what happened, Mama. I don't understand this. What will forgiveness achieve? It will change nothing."

"Forgiveness isn't about changing the past Aana. It's about changing the future. You can choose to carry all this pain with you till the day you die but you will be alone with it. This is the obstacle in front of you. You know what lies on the other side. You can choose to climb it or walk around it to get there or you can choose to walk back in the direction where you came from and constantly wonder about what's on the other side."

I close my eyes and rub my face in frustration.

"Aanu, when my first husband did what he did to me, I carried that pain and suffering for years. I ran away from everyone after I recovered and did my Masters. That's how I ended up in Seattle and then in Montesano but then I met you and Ray and I wanted a life with you both. When I shared that with Ma, she told me one thing, she said if you want to be the wife and mother you dream of, you need to let go of the pain and suffering you've been carrying with you all these years. Leave it in the past... and that's what I did. I forgave my first husband. I had to do that so I could be the best version of myself for you both if I wanted to find peace."

She takes a few moments and begins again.

"Remember how I had to leave for a week before the wedding? I told you I had to travel to London to help Baba out with something?"

"Yeah... I remember."

"I went to see my ex-husband. Ray knew and he encouraged me to go. I had received countless letters from him asking for forgiveness. He served his prison term and had been rehabilitated and was 5 years sober by then. He lost his license to practice law but became an assistant at a legal aid equivalent organization to help women with domestic abuse. I had tea with him and when I saw him, he wasn't the same man. He was so beautiful when I first met him but in front of me stood a man who was haunted by what he did. He begged me for forgiveness and told me that he was working hard to change his life around and help women like me who had suffered at the hands of abusive husbands. You know this, my ex beat me and emotionally abused me and I let that abuse go on for fear of shame. What would people think I thought? Walking away from the marriage I thought would be a failure... so I stayed for a year and half till that one night he came home and beat me till I almost died and killed our unborn baby."

She sobs and I get up to sit next to her and hold her.

"I carried that pain Aana. I hated him for years and I was at a standstill. Therapy didn't help and I was bitter. Then I met you both. When I went to see my ex and he apologized, I could see the pain in his eyes, I knew he meant it and I forgave him and I left him and all that happened behind. Yes, I think about the child I lost and I think about the children I lost with Ray... but I still have you. I have my daughter." She holds my face and kisses my forehead and pulls me in for a hug.

"Does this mean you will one day ask me to forgive Vishaal as well because that's what's coming next right?"

"No. I would never ask you to forgive him because there is a world of difference between them both. One man made a mistake and wants to rectify it. The other wants to break you and it tears my heart to pieces that the child I helped raise like my own would do this my daughter... but Aana, if down the line you chose to forgive Vishaal, I would support you because it would be your decision but in this moment, I will ask you to forgive Christian."

I look away. "He walked away Mama."

"Yes. He did. He made a mistake and trust me Aana, he will live with it for the rest of his life but that is his cross to bear and it is a difficult one because he really loves you. Jason was right, he is more than the mistake he made. He made that one mistake but look how he has loved you in your time of need and how he has stood by you. Vishaal? He tortured you and has continued to do so. A good man knows when the mistake has been made and tries his best to make amends and apologize but Vishaal is not a good man." I hear the anguish in her words as she speaks the last of them.

"You need to stop running Aana, take it from someone who did what you are doing. You are the only one in your pain, it is lonely and trust me it is not worth it. You can move on from this, I will help you. Christian will help you but you have to want to. It is not your job to protect this family or me. We will figure it all out. I am with you every step of the way. I will not abandon you but we have to end all of this. Enough is enough, meri jaan."

I nod and wipe the tears from my eyes.

"Everything that I am saying to you right now is coming from a place of love. So please don't misunderstand but remember when you said you never wanted to be like Carla?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, Carla's only fault wasn't disloyalty it was running. You are running away from Christian. Yes, I know the circumstances are different, I know you are hurting, I know all of that but there is a world of difference. Christian didn't have bad intentions when he walked away. Vishaal did all this and continues to do all this with the sole intention of hurting you and breaking you. I wish I had seen the signs, I honestly thought nothing of it when you grew apart from him, I figured it was college... I'm so sorry Aana."

"No, Mama. You're right, it is my fault, I tried to keep everything normal. I just... I was scared. I didn't... I was just so scared I'd lose all of you. I felt like I was in debt and..." I shrug and try to fight back the new wave of tears. "I'd lost dad and I didn't want to lose you so... I'm sorry, I know it was stupid."

"No, I understand. Fear makes us to irrational things. It clouds our judgment. It's a complicated situation but Aana, please believe in the love that we have for you. Believe in Christian, he is a good man... he was manipulated just like you were."

I nod and lie back in her embrace again going over everything she said.

"Do you love him?"

"I do. I still love him, I always will but I am confused and afraid and... my life could've been different... I just..."

"The cold hard truth, Aanu is that thinking of what ifs is useless. Years will pass by in this dilemma and you will actively miss out on a fulfilling life you could live with him. This obstacle in front of you, you can choose to climb over it and continue walking the road towards happiness... you know what life with Christian will look like or you can turn around and walk in the direction you came from which is living in the purgatory of these last five years and live a life of fear and sadness and wasted potential because judging by what you've told me, Vishaal will not stop and now that I know everything, I am not going to let that happen."

I absorb everything she's trying to tell me, willing myself to understand.

"I want you to take some time and really think about what I've said. I know you are hurting but I also know that after everything you have overcome, you can get through this. You cannot let this break you Aana."

"I keep thinking about Dad. He would be so disappointed in me... he had so many dreams for me and I just... I fucked it all up."

"Darling, the biggest dream your dad had for you was to find happiness and I saw that dream realized every time I saw you with Christian. Aana, based on what you've told me, the man has overcome his fear of touch, he has seen the error of his ways with that woman and the lifestyle she manipulated him into... he wants children and a life that he didn't think he deserved. If your love can do that for him then why not let his love heal you and make amends for what happened? You both can move forward from this, I know you can... but it has to be you who wants this change and whenever you do choose to forgive, do it wholeheartedly and forgo holding what happened to you against him. I'm not asking you to forget, you will never will but I'm asking you actively make a choice to move on from the 'what if' train of thought. You are taking out your frustrations of the last few years on him. He made a passive decision that was ultimately wrong but he does not deserve the full brunt of anger that you have for Vishaal's aggressive behavior all these years. It's time we helped you put an end to all this. It's time you healed yourself and let yourself be happy."

I silently nod and promise her I'll think about it.

After dinner I go up to my room and pack up the last of my things for our flight to SF to meet Nani. I idly search for my phone only to realize that I gave it to Benny to take to SF. I stare at the burner phone battling internally of whether I should call Christian or not. I lie back down and look through the skylight dad built me. The stars shine and the moonlight pours through and I let the words of the song carry me.

And he finds a home in me
For what misfortune sows, he knows my touch will reap

And all my armor failing down in a pile at my feet
And my winter giving way to warm, as I'm singing him to sleep
All my armor falling down in a pile at my feet
And my winter giving way to warm, as I'm singing him to sleep

I close my eyes and look back on the day; Jason and Gail's visit. Mama taking me to Dad's grave much to my reluctance. She said, I have to stop avoiding it. It had been almost 7.5 years and it was time that I faced this reality. I just stood there numb. I cleared his headstone with my hands and placed the flowers we bought from the town florist. I silently poured my heart out, telling him how much I missed him and needed his guidance and how sorry I was to have made such a mess of my life.

I find myself walking through the town absentmindedly when I find myself in front of Mr. Pancakes after bumping into a man.

"Sorry." I mumble and look up to see it's Dad when the man turns around.

"You're always in your head, Annie." He laughs and pulls me into a hug. I blink a few times trying to register where I am.

"You came to see me?" I ask.

"Well, more like you bumped into me but yeah, I came to see you. I've been waiting a while though... come let's go eat. I'm hungry."

We walk in and sit at our booth. The waitress takes our orders and Dad reads the morning paper. I just quietly stare at him. He looks so young, from when he and Nita first got together but I'm not so short anymore. I'm taller.

"I can feel you stare a hole through this paper and then into me, Private." He chuckles and puts the paper away.

I look away unable to find my words and I feel the tears fall.

"Remember what I said on one of my last visits? When I dropped you off in Seattle in Stella."

I shake my head. "No, I don't."

"I said, remember the promises you made in the now. The love you feel right now. That matters more than anything that's come before your time with him. "

"But.. dad..." I start but I'm unable to formulate the sentence.

"What's the alternative Annie? I know you're hurt, I can feel it but you can you live with all this hurt till the end of time? What will that achieve? You'll be alone. You'll only reach a small fraction of your potential. You're a Steele, you can beat this. Forgiveness is not about being weak, it's about finally realizing you can't let the past hurt you and run your life. There is one person who is out to get you but look at all the people in your corner. Count them and remember what they've offered to do for you. That is your team. They'll always have your six, Private."

"I'm scared, Sargent."

"It's okay to be scared, it's natural but don't let that keep you from doing the right thing. Which is to stand for yourself and fight and be happy... you owe it yourself after all these years, Annie."

Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

CPOV

"Sir, Taylor and Welch here to see you." Andrea announces through the intercom and I tell her to send them in.

"What do you have for me?"

"Sir, it's about Miss Steele." Welch begins. "Intel suggested that she boarded the AHAK jet from Sea-Tac on Monday afternoon and her phone was back online that night from the Presidio Terrace house. Since then no car has or member left the premises with the exception of Mrs. Raees visiting with her daughter on Tuesday evening and cooking staff along with security. However, the two CPOs we currently have assigned, tailed Mr. Benoit to SFO where he picked up three passengers from a charter flight that flew in from Sea-Tac this morning. Thomas Rafferty, a CPO from Mrs. Karim's personal security team along with Mrs. Steele and Miss Steele."

I close my eyes for a few seconds to keep myself from throwing something at them or out the window. "I'm sorry, are you trying to tell me she was in Seattle all this time? You told me she was in SF. Please explain this colossal fuck up to me."

"Sir, I believe it was a misdirect." Taylor responds. "We hacked into the CCTV footage of the pancake place Miss Steele likes back in Montesano and went through the footage. She was there on Tuesday afternoon with Mrs. Steele. It appears they've been at the Montesano house this entire time."

Of course, she ran to the place where she has no bad memories, where she feels the most safe. I didn't even think of that.

I dismiss them and Welch leaves but Taylor hangs back.

"Sir, may I speak freely?"

"Go ahead, Jason."

"She still loves you but she's scared and the fact that she ran to her mother is a good sign. Maybe she's finally told her everything?"

I sincerely hope so, though this could still not bode well for me if they all decide I'm the enemy too. "Thank you, Jason. I appreciate you saying all this."

He nods and gives me a tight smile. "Also, your mother is on her way."

"You could have led with that." I grumble. I'm not entirely ready to face Mom. I've been avoiding her, she called Tuesday morning and I gave her the basic highlights without telling her the real reason why Ana left and made up an excuse that I had to go to Portland for two days and wouldn't be back till today. I suspect she threatened Taylor to get information on me and now she's on her way in.

Thirty minutes later Grace walks through with a homemade lunch and a slice of chocolate cake. She's pulling out all the tricks to get me talk like she used to do when I was a kid.

"I've let you eat lunch and inhale that slice of cake in peace. Now you owe me some answers." She begins.

I rub my face not wanting to do this right now. "Mom... " I shake my head not knowing how to explain to her what I did.

"Son, you can tell me." She places her hand on my knee and gives it a light squeeze. "I won't judge."

I tell her about the night in question, how I tried finding her for the weeks that followed then eventually giving up after hitting a dead end. Ana's memories being triggered at her cousin's wedding and then finally revealing my own truth to her after a week of icing her out.

"Thank you for telling me, son." I hear the emotion in her voice. "It's days like this when I wish Elena was still alive so I could kill her myself for the damage she inflicted on you and now Ana."

"Mom... I don't know what to do." I choke out rubbing my eyes.

She pulls me in for a hug. "You made a mistake but you want to make it right, she'll realize that once the initial shock of all this wears off." She pulls away. "She's going through what you went through in a way. You ran away too, mentally that is. When the pain is too much, some seek refuge in their mind and some have to run far away. Nita has been talking to her and she will come around" She smiles at me as she holds my hand.

"You talked to Nita?" I look at her in surprise.

"Call it the mom hotline. Our babies are hurting... she called me last night, she wants Ana to be happy too."

"I don't know if I can face them."

"Well, you don't have to worry about that. If that were the case, then Nita would've threatened us already but she didn't. She realizes what the situation was. Ana doesn't hate you, son. It's just that sometimes, fear can be stronger than love when you've been manipulated and threatened multiple times. Just like yours was when it came to our love. We all heal differently, some take longer than others and it's not linear."

"I just want her to come back. I want her to forgive me... I'd do anything."

"She will come back, call it having insider information or a woman's intuition." She smiles.

"Nita said that? Please don't say this to make me feel better."

"She's helping Ana and given that she's finally opening up to her, I suspect that once both Nita and Aisha tag team, they'll help Ana see things differently."

"I hope you're right."

"Mom's usually are." She smiles. "I know with everything that happened it couldn't have been easy for you to tell Ana all that, knowing that she could possibly run but I'm still proud of you. You owned up to what happened, you didn't hide it from her. We all make mistakes. I missed what was happening to you right under my nose. So did Nita... one could argue that we both failed as parents and in reality we did and it's a truth we have to live with... but we're here for you now. We want you both healed and happy. Time and patience will help with that."

I rub my eyes to dispel the burning of tears and breathe to calm the emotion I'm feeling.

APOV

I'm sitting in the backyard drinking tea and eating oranges while Nani brushes and then eventually braids my hair. Mama went to check in at the office. Fortunately, Aila Khala and Uncle Rish are in Europe for their wedding anniversary trip while Vishaal is somewhere Asia. Thank God.

"I thought you weren't going to run anymore." Nani starts as she finishes the last of the braid.

"I got scared." I mumble quietly.

"Scared of what, Aana? Did you think he was going to physically hurt you?" I can hear the disappointment in her voice.

"What is this, mama was good cop and now you're going to be bad cop?" I snap turning around to face her.

"It's not that and you know it. If you wanted to leave you should've faced him just as he faced you with an equally hard truth."

"Why are you on his side. He walked away...I know he didn't know me but it was still wrong."

"I am on both your sides." We stare at each other for a few moments before I tear my face away. She signals for me to come and lie with her on the couch and I do by placing my head in her lap as she strokes my hair.

"Forgiveness is the only way forward, Aana. If you really want happiness with him or in your life in general, then this is how you will achieve it."

I immediately sit up and look out across the backyard. "I'm just... I'm so angry... I..." I close my eyes and my hide my face in my hands.

"I'm going to tell you something." I look back at her and nod. "When you Nana had an affair and had a child with another woman, I wanted to kill him. I thought I would never forgive him even though I loved him so much but then I had to pull back and really look everything. After Aila, I give birth to two more children, both were boys. One died a few days after birth and the second died just before his first birthday. I was devastated Aana. I was lost in my own grief that I didn't realize that my husband was hurting too. I retreated from him and he sought refuge with someone else. One could say that he should've been steadfast but he was grieving the loss of his children too, he's human, it wasn't just my loss as a parent. Good people make bad decisions all the time. We often hurt the people we love. Sometimes, beyond repair. When your Nana confessed, I was even more heartbroken. I felt rejected. I felt like a failure and I took out my anger on him... but then my mother said something to me. She said, I could choose to walk away and only ever dream of the happiness I felt with him before, or I could choose to forgive him and realize my own shortcomings too and then continue to create a stronger relationship and be happy again. Is any of this making sense?"

I nod but my eyes are fixed on the grass.

"When he placed that baby girl in my arms, I forgot everything. I forgave him and we slowly moved on from that. I worked on myself too and we found happiness again... I decided that I loved him more than his mistake even though he would still apologize every now and then. I know my situation is very different from yours but what I want to ask you... is your love from him strong enough to move past this? Can you choose the happiness you've felt with him in these past few months over all that happened before he knew who you were, before he made the unfortunate decision." I remain silent for a few moments before she speaks again. "You don't have to answer now but I want you to think about it. You know what your life can look like with him and without him. Keep that in mind when you make your decision."

"Wait... you said he placed a baby girl in your arms... was this before Mama or after, I'm confused?"

She gives me a look with a sweet smile and it suddenly hits me. "Mama isn't your biological daughter? H-how.. I... mean... does she know?"

"Your Nana told her a few days before he died... but it honestly didn't matter. She was my daughter the moment he put her in my arms and between you and me, I prefer her over Alia most of the time." She giggles and I laugh.

"What happened to her mom?"

"She died in childbirth... it had been a really difficult pregnancy for her."

"She never told me..." I murmur.

"I know but she didn't want to make a big deal out of it. As far as she knew I was her mother and she was my daughter. I never intended to treat Nita or Alia different though, I suppose unconsciously I did favor Nita sometimes... she was just an easier child in comparison and easy to be around. Just like you are." She smiles.

We sit in comfortable silence for a while.

"Have you called Christian?"

I shake my head. "Not sure, what to say... given how I left."

"It appears you find yourself in a position to seek his forgiveness too."

"I suppose I do."

"We're not perfect Aana. Mistakes and fights build character but only if you stick around to let it build you. What happened to you was horrendous and it breaks my heart that I wasn't able to protect you, but Christian is not that man. He always had good in him, he's just been lost and with you he's found himself. Let him be your anchor too."

I nod and wipe the falling tears from my eyes. "I'm just so tried and... I hate feeling so broken and weak like this."

"If you keep listening to fear then you will feel like this often. Aana, look at me." I turn my face to her and I see tears in her eyes too. "You are meant for greater things, I've seen it. You can overcome this. So much happiness is in your future if you want it but none of us can make these decisions for you. We can only be there to help you, offer guidance and love you. Even with all this sadness there is a light in your eyes. Don't let it fade."

I crawl into her side and hug her tight.

Friday, September 4th, 2020

CPOV

The elevator opens and I walk to my office after an afternoon meeting with Barney. Before I can open my office doors, I hear Taylor call out to me. He follows me in.

"What is it Taylor?" I ask as I walk around to sit at my desk.

"Sir, we just got word... Mrs. Karim passed away an hour ago."

I look at him trying to register the words that have come out of his mouth.

A/N: Will reading begins at the end of Chapter 73. I love you all, don't kill me *throws a snicker in your direction to distract you*

JT, Laura, Annalise, Reds77, bandrocks, mommapurvis, taino delsani13, ladyvalarie and literally everyone else: I see you and I appreciate you!

Music:

Pale September - Fiona Apple