30 JON XIII

It have been more than a week since the disastrous spar and at last the bruise on Robb's face had no trace. And despite all the threats I received, I wasn't touched or even reproached. I didn't push my luck though and kept to my room for most of the time.

There with Lya, we were in a state of blissful truce since her last meltdown. I don't know if she loved me, I don't know how I feel about her, I was fond of her, no doubt in that, and I craved intimacy with her. It almost hurts when she was sad or crying, I would do anything to relieve her distress. I thought about Ygritte and Dany. This is more like how it was with Ygritte, despite all the difference between us, I became attached to all her little details, Lya wasn't as different as Ygritte. She was a real Westerosi princess but she was fierce in her own way. You don't need a sword to be courageous. I knew that more than anyone else

When I reflect now on my feelings toward Dany, it looked more like infatuation rather than love. She aspired that in people in general, not only men. I always doubted Tyrion to be half in love with her but just like me he abandoned her at some point.

Love is the death of duty

So this mustn't have been love! Maybe it was only physical, our congress was world shattering. The dragon blood and fire in her was addicting. Lya was the only woman I got attached to with no intimacy between us. I didn't touch her since the wedding night, whatever the thing between us, be it love, fondness, friendship, I wanted her badly. With every part of me itching to touch her, after her tender caress I thought we might proceed further but nothing happened. Robb was always the wizard with girls. I was always shackled by the bastard curse.

Speaking of which, I was intending to ask the king for legitimization of the baby once Lya approached her time but I learned Lady stark left for white harbor and I thought this would be a great chance to have Robb's mercy without her vile effect

I told Lya as much, she didn't seem enthusiastic enough but she nodded in silence. She lost any faith in Robb, that's if she had any in the first place, after I returned bloodied from my apology to him. She cleaned my wound while calling him the worst names you could hear in flea bottom. I must ask her one day where had she learned these words!

And here I am kneeling to Robb in his private solar. He ushered me to rise and asked "what do you want now Snow?"

He seemed wary of me but I had no other option but to proceed. After the horrible spar, maybe begging was my best chance "Your grace, I wanted to appeal to your mercy…"

He cut me in anger "fuck it Jon, what do you want?"

I stuttered my way "It's it's the baby your grace, he wil… I mean he or she …that's to say….. We don't know yet…" he was on the verge of losing his patience now so I just blurted "He will be a Snow!"

He looked at me strangely and said "And what's in that, SNOW?"

"But he isn't a bastard, we are legitimately married and by your order, it's not fair for him…. I mean him or her"

Robb smiled smugly "But you see Snow that's your name I can't change that"

Of course you can, you are the fucking king!

"You don't need to change my name your grace, just grant the baby this act of kindness"

"And what are you suggesting? A Stark?" raising his brow in challenge

I can't deny it has always been my dream but saying it now will anger him beyond reason, so I said mildly "Maybe if it was a girl, the name won't hurt nobody, she would be your niece after all"

"And if it's a boy?"

"Maybe a Baratheon?" I said hopefully

"Are you drunk? Your wife is Waters, she is a daughter of incest between the Lannisters"

Well, I highly doubt this assumption but I tried again "If you say so, your grace. Make it a Lannister then!"

"You want me to reward the whore for incest!" and he continued with a snort "Anyway any one with a brain wouldn't want his son to be a Lannister in the north!"

And no one would want him to be a Snow either, but what would you know about that!

I kept on trying to salvage it at any cost despite my growing anger "Send Lya and the baby to the south then!"

"You are not leaving Winterfell, Snow" he said with venom

"Just her, let me here then or banish me to the wall and keep her here with whatever name you chose be it Stark, Baratheon or Lannister"

He shouted in rage "You will never be a Stark, do you understand? Neither you nor your filthy blood!"

Filthy blood!

That's all I am to you? It's your own blood too Robb!

That was awful, why was all this hatred, I was his fucking brother "I beg you Robb, just a decent name, any name and I can sign you a renunciation to any right or merits the name may give….. please Robb"

"This is utter nonsense, I won't do any of it, now leave"

I lost it at last and yelled at him "What have I done for all this?"

"Leave Snow or I will call the guards"

"Call them, you will hear me now, you can't find it in yourself to grant me this little favor, you won't give me a name. Seven hells, I gave you a fucking throne!"

"You gave me nothing, it's my throne, do you hear me? MY THRONE, get out, get out, guards"

"No need your grace" and I left with hurt and anger struggling inside me

Tears rushed to my eyes, hot tears of anger and despair. I didn't want anyone to see me. I was as disappointed and hurt as I was angry, Robb was my childhood and youth companion. I bend the knee to him in a blink of an eye, I abandoned the throne for him, I lived here a lowly bastard and didn't even complain. Can't he just do this for me? Just this simple act of kindness, of decency!

I felt despair swallowing me. The prospect of my child with a bastard name freaked me out. Maybe we could escape to Essos, the free cities. I seriously consider it but what then? To live with my sword, a sellsword? What else can I do besides fighting? Would Lya even agree to it?

Maybe Robb can be persuaded to change his mind, the recent public humiliation at the spar might alienated him against me. I tried to tamper my anger and give Robb excuses for his cruelty. I decided to ask for Bran's help, he is our brother and part of the small council, Robb may listen to him. He was always close to me before, surely he would sympathize with my cause, I wasn't asking for much anyway. But when I met him and told him of my ordeal, of my request, he looked to me intently and only said in his new flat tone "But you are not a Stark, Jon!"

Aye, I knew I am not, but it still hurts to hear it thrown in your face like this by your dear little brother.

"I knew Bran, I just want to save a blameless child from this disgrace. It's not much to ask"

Bran kept silent, I was encouraged with this and added "It needn't be a Stark, Bran. Any name will do, Please help me"

He kept his silence for a few more moments then looked to me with his empty eyes "But the child should have your name Jon"

Gods, when did he became this cruel? Surely when he became the fucking crown prince, this damn throne and what it did to people. I felt hurt giving way to anger and I didn't trust myself anymore so I muttered a quick "Thank you your grace" and left abruptly

I told Lya about Robb only. I was too ashamed to tell her about Bran, say whatever you want about the Lannisters but they stood together whatever what. She wasn't surprised in the least, she said in anger "You shouldn't have asked him in the first place!"

I didn't want a lecture now but I replied in anyway hoping it will end this discussion somehow "I thought I owed the baby that, he deserved a name"

"Yes, you owed him, he deserved a name and much more than a name, and you can give him all that"

I looked at her in bewilderment "What do you mean?"

"You don't need a king to change a name, you are a king for god's sake"

I narrowed my eyes at her "I told you, this was over now"

"No, it's not over, it's your responsibility and your destiny, it's your child's right"

"What right? Have you gone mad?"

"You are the only mad one here, people are still calling you your grace! The troops are loyal to you. Even if not, you got a dragon for god's sake. Do you know what it is capable of doing? Did you see kings landing? I saw it on my way here, it was rubbles and ashes Jon. There is no way to counter that. I saw the alleged scorpion when it arrived last week, it's nothing, a mere toy, a dragon can destroy it in a blink of an eye"

"And you want me to do that to Winterfell!" I couldn't believe her

"No, of course not, I only meant, you are unmatched Jon. You don't need to beg, you was born to rule"

"Don't speak of this ever again!" I warned her and myself in the same time

"Jon, just hea…."

"Lya, enough" I cut her with more intensity than needed, I wanted to crush all the treacherous whims from everyone

She stopped but any truce between us was destroyed. She blamed me for our "son" predicament. She thought it was preventable but despite everything, despite my anger, my hurt, I can't betray Robb, not in a thousand years