Chapter 35

If something else happened in that room I wasn't aware of it, but as I felt a touch to my arms that seemed to be the button that flipped me. I could hear myself screaming and pushing, using my hands to fight him away. As the hold on me tightened I was overcome with absolute fear and the fight in me disappeared with flight in its place. As I couldn't physically flee from where I was being held, I did what I could to make it go away. I retreated into my mind allowing myself to hide in the darkness.

Sound was the first of my senses as I became aware of what was around me. The sound of voices close to me. I didn't react to those voices, I couldn't and maybe didn't want to.

"Why the hell did you bring him here?"

"He was there when Jinski was murdered. He wanted to help. What the hell just happened"

"Jack Richards, that's what happened"

"She seems terrified of him"

"She is"

"I'm going down to talk to him"

"Santos is with him and he knows he is not to be allowed out of that room"

The hold was still around me, but it felt different now. It was comforting and gentle and gave me some sense of safety. The sounds I'd heard earlier had gone and in their place I could hear a low, soft voice filling my head. A voice that held familiarity, a voice that I knew so well. I was hearing the voice but not listening to the words, being gently soothed as my thoughts came tumbling through.

Immediately the image of what had happened came back to me and once again I became terrified that the man who had assaulted me was here, so close to me. I concentrated now on the voice that was there, needing something to anchor to that I knew was strong enough to overcome this fear.

"Babe, I'm here with you. I won't let anything hurt you. You're safe with me I promise. Please Babe, open your eyes and look at me, look and see that you are forever loved"

Taking in a deep shaky breath I started to open my eyes, the fear of seeing Jack was over come by the need to see Ranger. For him to know that I trusted him beyond anything else.

As I blinked away the tears that were still forming in my eyes, I felt a gentle movement against my cheek. An image slowly came into focus and the face of Ranger was looking down at me. His eyes were a deep brown and the look of concern he had was nearly my undoing.

"Shush, it's okay"

Those muscles that before had seemed so frozen in place suddenly took on a life of their own as I flung my arms around his neck. I could smell him all around me and that in itself enabled me to breathe deeply, inhaling his scent and the strength I needed to get myself under control. My throat was sore but with a grating whisper I had to let him know that I was okay.

"I'm sorry"

"Don't apologize. It's me who needs to apologize, I should have checked who was coming with Daniel"

"Why is he here?"

"Daniel said it was because Jack wanted to help"

"Why would he do that, that's not how he works?"

"I know and I'll find out what his motives are"

"Did he know I would be here?"

"No. He was as surprised as you were. He still doesn't seem to recognize how he affected you or why"

"Maybe it's me"

"Babe, he hurt and scared you. You have every right to react how you did"

I knew he was right, but I also knew I had to get past this. As I thought how I could do that I moved my head away from his and looked back at him. I didn't want to let him down, or even me, so knew the only way forward was to face Jack. To not allow him to control how I felt but most importantly to empower myself to be able to take charge.

"I need to face him"

I saw the concern cross his face and for a minute second felt him tense up. I was sure that Ranger was trying very hard not to do damage to Jack or ship him off in a crate. The last thought though maybe wouldn't be a bad idea.

"I have to. I have to feel that I'm in control and that he can't hurt me again"

"Babe, he could easily disappear"

"I know, but that wouldn't help me emotionally"

"When do you want to do it?"

"Now, before I change my mind"

"Who do you want with us?"

I thought that through. A part of me didn't want anyone else to know what had happened but another part of me wanted people to know what he'd done. I never wanted him to do the same thing to another woman.

"Who saw what happened?"

"Les and Dax removed Jack from the room while I went to you. Daniel saw the aftermath so knows something bad had happened just from seeing how you reacted"

"Okay, maybe they deserve to know"

I felt his hands on either side of my face and as his lips swept across mine. In a whisper soft voice, I heard the words he said to me.

"Proud of you Babe. You're a strong person and I know everything will work out"

Those few words helped to calm the nerves that were building, so now I had to get my shit together and confront Jack Richards.

As we descended in the elevator, I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I'd washed up and tidied my hair as best as I could, but I knew I looked a mess with my pale skin and slightly red eyes. Ranger was stood behind me pulling my back to his front as he gently kissed the top of my head.

I hadn't really recognized how tactile Ranger was until recently. He was constantly touching me or placing soft kisses on me. At first, okay apart from the mind blowing kisses, his touch would be to stroke his hand down my cheek or tuck a stray curl of my hair behind my ear. It made me feel special that he was constantly wanting to touch me.

As the elevator door opened, I think he knew how nervous I was getting because his arm came around my shoulders as he led me down the corridor. When we walked in through a door, I wasn't even aware of where we were. The room was bare in terms of furnishings and had a hard linoleum covering on the floor. I saw Jack immediately and came to a stop looking closely at him.

He was sat behind a grey table that looked to be secured to the floor with Les stood to one side of him. There were three chairs in front of the desk and Ranger pulled the middle one back for me to sit down on. I hadn't even noticed that Dax and Daniel were in the room until they sat down on either side of me.

Ranger stood behind me with his arms around my shoulders giving me the opportunity to raise my arms and hold on tightly to his. Jack had watched everyone as they seated themselves, everyone but me. He looked tired and his face was drawn with the lines on his forehead and around his mouth more obvious. I wasn't too sure what he thought was going on but now was my time to enlighten him.

"You attacked me Jack and tried to rape me"

He looked up and into my face with a look that seemed puzzled by what I'd said.

"That night at the hotel in Washington, after dinner when you were drunk, you came into my room"

"I, I don't remember. I know I'd been drinking, far too much and I realized the next morning that something wasn't right"

"Who is Rosa Jack?"

He blanched at the sound of the name and there was real pain in his eyes and across his face. He looked down at the table and didn't move or make a sound.

"Jack. You were calling me Rosa when you attacked me, I think I have the right to know who she is"

"Was. She was my wife"

Okay that took the wind out of me for a moment as I considered the implication of what he'd said.

"Did she leave you?"

"In a way I suppose she did. She's dead"

"Why attack me?"

He looked up at me and I think I knew why.

"You are so much like her, your looks and your outlook. It was what first drew me to you, but I knew you weren't her. You have such a way about you though that I wanted you on the team. Maybe I thought having you with us it might help heal the guilt that I was carrying around"

"Guilt for what Jack?"

I looked to Daniel as he asked Jack that question because it seemed that Jack had something to do with what had happened to Rosa.

"We were working on a case together where a young boy had been taken for ransom. His parents wanted to pay up and get him back. They would have paid anything for that to happen. Rosa, well she was like you Steph. Once we negotiated a price and where the exchange was to take place Rosa became obsessed with capturing the man responsible.

I went alone to the meeting place as arranged and I exchanged the money for the boy. It was only after I'd taken the boy home to his parents and spoke with Liam that I even knew that Rosa had followed me. We went to the site, but she wasn't there, and the kidnapper was long gone. We did everything we could to find her and eventually had to bring in the police.

They weren't very helpful, mainly because they were annoyed that we'd negotiated a ransom deal, even though we got the boy back unharmed. I never heard from her or saw her again, but I never stopped looking. Six months later I received a letter through the post that told me she was dead. There was a photo of her dead body to prove it to me"

"Was her body ever found?"

"No. But when I see someone like you Steph all the memories come back to me. I'm so sorry Steph I would never consciously hurt you. I think because you wanted to stop what was happening to those girls, it triggered everything about Rosa. Then I tried to drink the memories away, but it made it worse. I can't remember what happened, I just know when I eventually woke up the next morning that Rosa was in my head"

I wasn't sure what to think or how to feel about what he'd said. I felt for him and how he'd lost his wife and it explained his approach to the jobs he took.

"Babe?"
Ranger was squatting down between me and Les, trying to get my attention. I had no idea what he wanted but turned and looked at him to find out.

"I can see it in your eyes, you're feeling sorry for him. He assaulted you, someone he didn't know and who was totally innocent"

I absorbed what he'd said and why he'd said it and realized that he was right. How could I be so gullible. Why was it that I always got drawn into other people's lives and became so empathetic to what had happened to them? Ranger was right, I was the victim here and didn't I deserve to be treated better?

I turned and looked back at Jack working out what I needed to say. Seeing his face now, he no longer looked contrite. It was as if he expected me to forgive him for what had happened just because he'd lost his wife. Don't get me wrong, I did feel sorry for him, but that didn't give him any right to attack another woman.

"When did she disappear Jack?"

Not what Jack was expecting to hear me ask by the look that came across his face.

"It was seven years ago"

Hell, from the way he'd been talking I'd assumed it happened recently.

"You mean you think it's okay to assault me for a woman you lost seven years ago. I don't think so Jack. I was willing to give you some leeway for what you'd gone through, but seven years"

I suddenly stood up, forgetting that Ranger was behind me and stepped back into him. I was so fucking annoyed.

"I've gone through hell because of you. I wake up at night screaming because of you. I'm scared of sleeping on my own and haven't been anywhere by myself. What you did was way beyond wrong and I want to see you answer for it"

I was beyond mad now and ended up moving away from Ranger to start pacing back and forth across the room. I was surprised when it was Daniel who stopped me by standing in front of me. Being apart from the others meant that whatever Daniel said was between him and me.

"That was why you were panicking in the car in Washington wasn't it?"

I just nodded my head as I remembered how terrified I'd been that Daniel was taking me back to the hotel where Jack might be.

"Locking him up might not be an option due to lack of evidence or witnesses. I'm sure Ranger could beat the shit out of him, or something worse"

"No, I don't want Ranger to do that, he carries too much already"

Especially for me. I was almost certain that Ranger had been the one to make sure Abruzzi died, suicide or murder was a fine line to prove, and I didn't want him to do that again for me. He already had too much darkness that he carried around without adding to it.

"I suggest that he is admitted into a private facility, that is secure, for an agreed amount of time in order for him to access the professional help that he needs"

"What if he won't do that?"

"Well New Jersey just happens to be one of the states that supports civil commitment of sexual offenders"

I thought through what Daniel had suggested and wondered what Jack would have to say about the suggestion. I really hoped he would agree with going into a private facility and getting the help that he needed, because from how he'd attacked me he really did need that help.

"Okay, go for it"

"You're sure?"

"Yes. He needs help to get over the grief and guilt from his wife dying"

"Leave it with me. I'll get the ball rolling and then we can get back to the reason I came here in the first place"

"How long do you need?"

I watched as he looked at the time and thought things through. I suppose it was getting late for something like to happen now. I turned back to the table and was aware of four pairs of eyes watching me so went back and sat down in front of Jack.

"You have a choice Jack. Admittance into a private facility or civil commitment. I want you to get some professional help to deal with the loss of your wife and the way you see her in other woman and assault them"

"You want me to see a psychiatrist?"

"More than that Jack. You'll stay inside until a psychiatrist says you're safe to go back out"

"Jack, as FBI I can make that happen. It's your choice where and how"

As I looked at Jack, I could see that it might be a problem to get him to agree and had no idea on how to speed up his decision.

"Daniel I'll keep him downstairs until he makes a decision. He can have until morning to choose which way he wants to go"

"Sounds like a plan Ranger"

I let Ranger help me up and walk me out of the door with Dax close behind us. I suppose Les and Daniel would take Jack downstairs to the basement where the cells were. I was surprised when the three of us ended up in Ranger's apartment on seven and even more so when Dax sat me down on the couch and Ranger walked through to the bedroom. It seemed I was having a conversation with Dax on my own. As Dax sat on the coffee table opposite me, I wasn't too sure I wanted to hear wat he wanted to say, but it seemed I didn't have much choice.

"Steph, while I've been here, I've been reading up on your career as a bounty hunter. You have a phenomenal capture rate regardless of the type of person you were after. I was blown away with some of the cases you've helped solve and the way you're always prepared to help people. But"

Ah hear it comes, build me up and then take me down. I glared at Dax as he subtly changed the direction of what he was saying, and it wasn't lost on him .

"Steph you have been through so much. Far more than anyone I've ever met, and I've dealt with a lot of soldiers out in the field. You have a way of dealing with the bad shit that happens, though I'm not sure how. These past few weeks have been hard on you, a constant barrage of getting knocked down"

"What are you saying Dax, just spit it out. You want me to go into a private facility as well!"

I was mad and really upset at what he was saying. Was he saying I was mentally unstable as well? As I got to stand up his hands were on my shoulders pushing me back down.

"Sit down and just hear me out"

I suppose he could have shouted at me or got annoyed and it surprised when he didn't. Instead he was gentle and spoke softly to me which to be honest felt worse.

"Steph, you're one of the strongest people that I know and as I said you have a way of bouncing back but even you must agree that you need some help to get through this, to get the nightmares to stop and the panic to be manageable"

"Go on"

I'd listen to what he wanted to say and then I would tell him to go to hell and to take Ranger with him, because Ranger must have been the one who had told Dax of the problems I was having with nightmares and how easily I was spooked.

"I want you to talk"

"Talk?"

"Yes. Talk through how you're feeling"

"You expect me to talk to some damn shrink?"

"No, why would I suggest that? Is that what you want?"

I shook my head at Dax as I tried to understand where he was coming from.

"I've not done this very well have I? You need to talk more with Ranger"

I know my eyebrows went up at that, hell did he know how difficult it was to talk with Ranger? He was the king of one-word answers or questions.

"You are like chaos to Ranger, in some ways you easily express things through your face and eyes, but never say what is really going on inside of you. Ranger is control, never showing what he feels. He's struggling and frustrated because he doesn't know what to do. I can see it in him, he knows what to say to you but isn't always sure that he's saying the right thing. Talk to him Steph before it tears you apart"

"Are you saying that Ranger told you to talk to me?"

"No. I told him I wanted to check you over and make sure you were okay"

"So in order to help Ranger to help me and for me to help him I need to talk through how I feel to him?"

"Yes"

I sat back in the couch and thought through what Dax was saying. He was someone else that had told me to talk to Ranger, but I thought he meant to tell him about Jack hurting me. Hector had been saying the same thing to me and I'd totally misunderstood what he'd meant. I had never been someone who said how I felt I always assumed they would know from how I looked or acted.

I'd been brought up in a family where feelings were never expressed vocally. My mother showed us through food when she was pleased with us or maybe it was her way of saying she loved us. Hell, I learnt young to hide things like that from my family, well except maybe my Grandma. Maybe that's why I found it so hard to tell someone I loved them because my mother had never said that to me, nor to anyone else that I heard. She saw fear as a weakness never to be shared in case someone saw it as a vulnerability and made use of it, like my sister Val had done to me. Talking about how I felt was going to be hard for me.

"Dax, do I tell Ranger what you've said to me?"

"Yes, don't have secrets from him, open yourself up to him"

"Will he be annoyed at you?"

"Maybe, but if he thinks about it carefully, I'm sure he'll understand"

"Okay"

"Go through and see him Steph and talk to him"

I waited until Dax had left the apartment before heading through to the bedroom. Ranger was sat on the bed leant against the headboard working on his laptop. He looked up and watched me as I approached and as I slipped off my boots and joined him.

"What did Dax say"

"Not what I expected"

He closed his laptop and put it down on the table next to him then used his arm to pull me to him.

"He said that I needed to talk more"

"You, talk more?"

I used my elbow to hit him in his stomach though it probably hurt me more than it hurt him.

"He said that I needed to say out loud what I was feeling. That I confused people, especially you"

"I don't always know those things Babe"

"I know, but I've never been vocal to opening up to my emotions"

"You have a place called denial that you hide behind"

"It means I don't have to think about it"

"I know"

"I like to think that I can work things through by myself"

"Like the nightmares?"

"Yeah. Dax said that if I talked through how I was feeling with you, then it would help and you wouldn't get frustrated"

"Did he now"

Okay so this was going to be difficult for me and I honestly didn't know where to start. Maybe thinking about what to say was the wrong way to go about it, maybe I just had to start talking and see what came out.

"I felt frightened today seeing Jack, as though I couldn't control what was going to happen. Then hearing his story, I almost made myself believe that he wasn't to blame, that it was my fault for being so much like his wife had been"

Whilst Ranger's arm tightened around me, I rested my head against him with my hand laid flat against his chest. I actually felt better for admitting to Ranger how I felt and wasn't expecting him to start talking.

"I was so annoyed when I walked in that room and saw him there and how you'd reacted to him. I want to protect you from hurting like that, then when you said you wanted to see him, I almost stopped you, to protect you from him. I realized that protecting you also meant supporting you to find your strength. You are a very strong woman Babe, but sometimes you need to let me in so I can be there for you"

"I understand now, but I have a lifetime of covering up how I feel and locking it away"

"Your parents?"

"Yes. Even with Mary Lou I would never tell her how I really felt inside"

"How do you feel now?"

"Relieved, like a weight has been lifted"

"What about the decision with Jack?"

"Still a bit scared that he could suddenly turn up"

"And?"

Yeah, this was when I would avoid answering. I suppose I was scared that maybe I was right.

"Worried that what happened will come between us"

"It hasn't so far"
"I feel safe with you. I trust you like no one ever before. But I worry that you'll hold back"

"Are we talking about sex Babe?"

"I suppose"

"Let me show you then so you don't need to worry"