Request from guest reviewer, Heba! Thanks Heba, I've never cried so much while writing before ahaha :'(
Request: Toshiro reacting Kaien's death
…
Funeral
Kaien Shiba's death sent a shockwave across the Gotei Thirteen.
No one had expected it, no one knew how to react, least of all Rangiku.
He had been her friend, right back from when they had been in the academy together.
He had been older than her, and noble, but he had always smiled at her, always held eye contact and never looked down at her. He'd had her back, laughed at her antics, and let her copy his homework answers. Kaien had been the coolest guy on campus, and somehow he was also the kindest too.
She would always remember his dazzling smile and his infectious laugh. She would remember those caring eyes and the comforting hugs he'd give. She would remember him.
Isshin blew up at the news exactly as Rangiku might have expected, and burned down the entire field and surrounding forests that was the place of Kaien and Miyako's deaths. The temperature was scorching as Rangiku watched sadly from the top of the hill. Flames raged on furiously, while embers rained down around them and black smoke billowed into the sky, suffocating and thick. The sky was darker than even at midnight.
Rangiku hadn't intended to intervene, not sure there was anything she could say to her grieving captain to calm him, not sure she had any right to take away his reaction. It was only for Toshiro that she eventually approached the man. The boy had refused to leave and get back to safety, but of course he couldn't stand the heat of his captain's Bankai either, not as an ice type.
"Toshiro, go!" Rangiku pleaded with the boy, who was leaning heavily into her side, one hand fisting her uniform and the other covering his mouth as he coughed and choked on the ash. "That's an order, Third Seat!"
"I can't, Lieutenant," Toshiro sobbed between the coughs. "I can't leave him!"
Rangiku could only watch in horror as his skin became covered in little red marks from the embers burning him where they fell. Still, Toshiro didn't leave. He looked so terrified, so lost and confused – in so much pain.
"I'll stay with Captain," she promised him, her voice hoarse in the smoke. "You have to go!"
"I-I can't-"
It was then he fell, crumpling to a heap on the grass, unmoving though his hair blew in the blistering wind.
He had lost consciousness on the grass and Rangiku had no choice but to fight back against the smoke, ash and embers that were hurting him.
"Captain!" Rangiku called out to Isshin, but the man couldn't hear her over his own raging inferno, both the literal one created by his power and the one burning inside his heart.
She pushed on, flash stepping through the flames that were even too hot for her now. She found the captain in the centre of the blaze, screaming in anger as he spun, more and more flames pouring out of his sword. His own haori was burning as he wore it but he didn't seem to care. The air pressure was as if a bomb was exploding endlessly.
"Captain!" Rangiku cried again, this time grabbing the man's wrist and stopping his movements.
Isshin's skin was scorching hot, like touching a pot on the stove. His eyes, when they snapped to her, were entirely black, like he was more Hollow than Soul Reaper now. He snarled at her, knocking her hands away, and Rangiku had to duck as he swung his sword over her to send more flames across the already charcoal field.
"Stop, you're going to kill him!" Rangiku screamed. She had to bring her arm up to shield her eyes from the wild smoke.
Ash was her element but now it was choking her, far stronger from her captain's Bankai, and the fire, though it was yet to touch her, felt like it was burning her already. She could barely breathe, and her skin and eyes stung. Her heart pounded painfully in her chest, scared and desperate.
"He's already gone!" Isshin hissed, before screaming in rage once more, the flames surrounding them doubling in height and heat, driving Rangiku to her knees.
"No," Rangiku coughed, choking on the smoke, her own mind starting to go fuzzy from the lack of oxygen. "Toshiro! You're going to kill Toshiro!"
She was barely able to keep her head up beside her captain's legs but pointed vaguely in the direction she had come from.
Feeling the heat decrease slightly, the lieutenant squinted up at her captain, seeing him look over the flames which he had lowered just enough to see the hill. He must have seen the boy, still on grassy hill, and his face crumpled. Isshin too fell to his knees, something between another scream and an anguished sob leaving his throat.
Rangiku swallowed and blinked her eyes, unsure if they were stinging from the smoke or from tears. The fires died down and Rangiku used her own powers to clear the smoke and ash.
The field was entirely burnt, a hundred percent charcoal. The sky stayed black and the memory of a once lush field was gone, much like husband and wife who had perished here.
Rangiku could see Toshiro's blurry form in the grass, unmoving, but his Spiritual Pressure was steady.
Turning her gaze back onto the captain, she found the man kneeling still, his head hung as tears fell from wide, shocked eyes. Fury was turning to devastation as the captain seemed to process the news that little bit more.
He looked broken, a shell of the man Rangiku often saw as a father figure.
"He's already gone," Isshin repeated, his voice cracked and croaky, and Rangiku swallowed, feeling her own tears on her cheeks.
The captain slumped, falling over until his head was in Rangiku's lap. His skin was still hot but Rangiku still weaved her fingers into his hair and held him steady as he cried and shook. He was shattered, a man grieving the loss of his brother and best friend.
Kaien Shiba was gone.
Isshin's brother, Toshiro's uncle, Rangiku's friend – gone.
…
Kaien Shiba's death sent a shockwave across the noble clans.
No one had expected it, no one knew how to react, least of all Toshiro.
Under a grey sky, a funeral was held, and two coffins were lowered into the grave. Side by side in life, side by side in the ground.
The Shibas sat in the front row, alongside Captain Ukitake who had lost both his lieutenant and third seat. The other noble families sat in rows behind them, expressions serious and downcast. Notably, the Kuchikis sat at the back and Rukia wasn't with them. The other captains attended and stood quietly, expressions stoic, and Squad Thirteen kneeled in neat rows behind them.
They all looked solemn.
Anyone who didn't know Kaien and Miyako was solemn. Anyone who did know them knew solemn didn't cut it today.
They should have been howling, they should have been sobbing and screaming.
Yet Toshiro could only look solemn as he watched Isshin give a eulogy in which he struggled to stay calm and his voice wavered with barely held back emotion. Toshiro stood with Rangiku, towards the back and to the side, as she grasped a tissue she refused to use. They held hands as the service continued, but Toshiro had forgotten who was trying to hold onto to whom. She grounded him though, even though his chest was too tight and his stomach flipped painfully.
It hurt – everything hurt. Kaien and Miyako Shiba were dead, and yet the birds still sung in the trees, the ants still marched along the path, and time still ticked on.
Toshiro wanted nothing more than to lie down and cry.
Everyone spoke of Kaien's kindness, his warmth and sense of humour. Outside of the Shibas, Toshiro almost believed no one else truly had the right to say that.
They didn't really know, after all. Kaien hadn't healed their injuries in the Shiba Manor living room, Kaien hadn't played in the waterfall with them or been camping with them, Kaien hadn't held them when they were drugged and rubbed their backs until their dads came. Kaien hadn't called himself their uncle.
"Sorry Kid, just your Uncle Kaien with you."
Toshiro swallowed, and took a deliberately deep breath. He knew his hand was cold in Rangiku's grasp but she didn't say anything or loosen her hold.
Miyako had been good to him too. She had dressed his wounds, stuck up for him in Third Seat Meetings, and had always showed him kindness.
It couldn't have happened to two nicer Souls. It was unfair. It didn't make sense.
Toshiro knew it wasn't his time to grieve. He had to stay strong – for his captain, for Granny, for Kukaku and Ganju. He had to be helpful today, not a burden. It wasn't his right to grieve their brother and son.
He had been useless when they first found out the news. Isshin had, in a fit of shock and fury, released his Bankai on the unsuspecting, and thankfully abandoned, field outside of the Naoshima district, and Toshiro hadn't been able to stand it. He had collapsed, and not woken up until he was laid down on the office couch as Isshin silently healed the small ember burns that had littered his body. The captain had still exuded fury, but the boy didn't know if that was at Kaien's death, Toshiro's pathetic attempt to be there for him, or the fact it was his magic that had burned Toshiro when he lost control in the field.
The third seat had been useless then, and in fact became a liability. Today, on the day the Shibas laid Kaien and Miyako to rest, Toshiro would not be a liability. He would not cry because he missed the man he considered his uncle, he would not be useless during the wake at the manor, and he would not grieve when others needed to grieve first.
The funeral finished when the Shibas each threw roses down to the twin caskets, and then everyone in attendance took turns greeting the family with a bow of respect, a kind word about the deceased couple, and a promise of catching up with them at the wake. They were 'looking forward to the fireworks display' that would follow that evening. They made it sound like a fun, holiday event, not like it was Kaien and Miyako's final goodbye.
Toshiro and Rangiku did not move at first, statues while noble men and women filed out of their rows. They stayed, motionless and hands still linked. Toshiro knew he needed to move, to catch up with the Shibas before they got through all the guests, to make sure he was close by if they needed him, but it was hard.
Hard to move. Hard to breathe. Hard to pretend he was okay.
Staring ahead, Toshiro's mind was full of memories, of Kaien's laugh and kind smile, of his calming Spiritual Pressure, and of his familiar brown eyes. Rangiku squeezed his hand and Toshiro released a shuddering breath, blinking back the tears that threatened to spill as he came back to reality.
"We should-"
"Yep."
They knew what they had to do. It was their duty, as lieutenant and third seat.
Toshiro released Rangiku's hand, not wanting to Isshin to think he needed the support right now when it was the captain who needed him, but the lieutenant still put her hand on his shoulder as they walked over to the family. The third seat crossed his arms over his chest, trying to physically hold the emotions inside.
They kept a bit of distance as not to intrude, but were close enough to be available for any need the family might have.
It was hard to see Granny cry, but it was worse seeing Isshin with tears in his eyes. He was Toshiro's captain, his father on many occasions, and he was the strongest person the boy had ever known.
From the cemetery to the manor was a relatively short journey, and Isshin walked with Granny, an arm over her shoulders as they tried to talk about good memories.
Kukaku and Ganju stalked a step behind, silent but seething. They were still angry. Toshiro was scared to approach them, since they were already rather aggressive Souls at the best of times, but now especially with the murder of their brother hanging in the air. They were starting to hate Soul Reapers, the very thing Toshiro had become since meeting them.
When they reached the manor, the guests were already sipping on sparkling wine and eating the canapes. Isshin had hired staff for the afternoon to cater and serve the guests, knowing that otherwise Granny would try and do it all on her own. Toshiro knew the Shibas were noble, and their large manor alluded to that, but this event was when the third seat really noticed their wealth. It was weird though, it felt like they didn't really fit in with all these other nobles. Isshin wasn't classy, and Kukaku and Ganju definitely weren't, but they pretended today.
The mood was different at the wake, Toshiro noticed. It felt lighter – the guests laughed and smiled when they reminisced about their interactions with Kaien or Miyako, others didn't talk about Kaien or Miyako at all, simply catching up over a glass of bubbles and some caviar.
Toshiro hadn't been to a wake before, but he knew it was a celebration of the Soul's life, or afterlife in many cases, but Toshiro couldn't find any part of him that wanted to celebrate right now.
He had to work – both he and Rangiku did because their priority was their captain and his family right now.
So work they did.
Rangiku did what Rangiku did best – she socialised. She finally put that skill to good use and slipped between the Shibas, joining their conversations with the guests. She kept things light, and saved Ganju from losing his temper at Captain Ukitake for letting Kaien fight alone that night, and she talked Kukaku down from blowing the Kuchikis up with a firework or twenty. Rangiku sat with Granny and got her to laugh when she was about to cry, and made sure Isshin always had food and drink in hand so he had something to focus on.
While Rangiku worked her charm, Toshiro made himself useful wherever he was needed.
The food was running low? He ran to the kitchen and hurried the staff along, even helping to roll sushi when he had to.
Granny was fanning herself in the heat? Toshiro subtly brought the temperature of the room down with Hyorinmaru to a more comfortable level.
Someone knocked over a glass? Toshiro was there in a flash step with a broom and cloth.
It started raining outside, leading late arrivals to walk water and mud through the entrance hallway, so Toshiro found the mop and kept the area clean. He took the coats from the nobles and hung them up, and arranged their shoes neatly on the racks below. He didn't scowl when they called him 'Child' or when they handed him their empty glasses and demanded 'a new one quick, Boy.'
To be fair, Toshiro thought he was holding it together really well. It wasn't until close to the end of the night, when the wake service was winding up and the staff had all clocked off, that Toshiro started to feel his emotions get the best of him.
He stood in the kitchen, drying the dishes and staring hard at pond across the large back garden. He could barely see it in the dark, in fact all he could see was Kukaku and Ganju setting up their fireworks, but he knew it was there and that was enough to send him to the brink.
Toshiro didn't know why a mere pond did that to him; maybe it was the water that was the connection that he and Kaien shared with their elemental Zanpakutos, or maybe it was simply days of trying to force down the pain in his heart that now bubbled over, but Toshiro felt it flood back.
Kaien was gone, and he was never coming back.
Shakily placing the plate in his hands back down into the drying rack, Toshiro pressed both palms into the lip of the bench before stepping back and leaning over. He felt sick with grief, and his eyes closed as he tried to focus on staying upright and pushing down the emotions. Coldness spread in his heart and the dragon rumbled in his mind, likely in an effort to comfort him but Toshiro could feel himself losing against it.
But he couldn't – not today.
"Are you okay?"
It was Rangiku's voice and Toshiro nodded, humming quietly and straightening back up.
He wasn't okay, nothing was okay anymore, but she knew that. He didn't dare look back at Rangiku as he returned to drying the dishes
His hands were shaking more as picked up a tea cup, which quickly resulted in him dropping it, the fine china shattering on the tiles below.
Toshiro groaned and sunk to the floor. That felt like the final straw as his eyes stung and Rangiku quickly joined him on the ground. She caught his hands before he could pick up any pieces.
"Look at me," she murmured and Toshiro did.
Her eyes were as blue as Toshiro felt.
She must have known how close he was to cracking – shattering like that china tea cup – as she gently pushed him back until he fell on his butt. Toshiro released another shuddering breath as he let himself lean back into the cupboard below the sink, and Rangiku squeezed his hand. His eyes were watering but he didn't let those tears spill.
His uncle was gone.
She stared at him and Toshiro was sure she could read his mind – she could hear his thoughts going around and around, about how this was all too much, how he wanted to help Isshin and his family, and how he felt like he was failing at that. He felt so overwhelmed with emotion, and yet so hollow.
He thought about how everything hurt, and how he missed Kaien.
He missed Kaien so much.
"Me too," Rangiku murmured quietly, understanding and stroking the back of his hand.
The lieutenant didn't say more than that and she didn't need to. They were sad, really sad – there was no better word to describe it. They were furious too – at the Hollow who had taken him away, at the nobles who only pretended to grieve, at Kaien himself for leaving them.
Why did he have to leave them?
It was suffocating and painful beyond belief, and Toshiro wasn't sure they were ever going to recover from this. How could they? How could the world continue on in the wake of such a devastating tragedy?
Toshiro and Rangiku sat on the floor a while longer, the tea cup forgotten for a moment as they held on to each other and forced back down the grief. It still wasn't their time – it probably never would be.
As if to remind them, Isshin entered the kitchen and stopped abruptly seeing them sitting on the ground, moving well past solemn.
"What's going on?" he asked, confusion and concern in his voice.
Toshiro was back on his knees in an instant, finally reaching for that broken tea cup and gathering up the bigger pieces first. He kept his head ducked, in case the wet eyes were visible still.
"Just cleaning up," Rangiku answered for them both, though she didn't move from her casual crossed legged position. "Are you okay?"
Toshiro snuck a glance up at the captain who nodded slowly, eyes dropping to the broken cup though he didn't mention it.
"The fireworks memorial is going to start soon," Isshin murmured, taking his eyes off them for a moment to reach for the broom in the pantry. "By the time it's finished it will be quite late, you two should stay the night here."
Rangiku and Toshiro exchanged uncertain glances for a moment, unsure what the right answer to that was. Should they stay, being available to help if needed and for moral support? Or would they just be intruding on a private night for the grieving family?
"Uhh," Rangiku hesitated, frowning slightly in confusion. "Do- uh, do you want us to stay the night?"
"Yeah," Isshin sighed. "I don't want either of you travelling back to the Tenth this late."
A beat of silence past before Rangiku eventually nodded and Toshiro returned to the tea cup.
"I'll go set up a futon for you in Toshiro's room," Isshin gave them a weak smile, handing the broom over to Rangiku.
Toshiro had room at Shiba Manor these days. He had stayed so often on a futon in the study that they had eventually decided to redecorate it into a bedroom instead. The set up was much the same actually, the long book case along the wall, the comfortable reading char in the corner – the only difference was the desk was now a bed, and the couch was now a closet. Well that, and they had put some more family photos on the wall with him in them, and brought him a new Spinning Tops set to play with. Isshin had also bought him a stuffed dragon plushie as a joke but he didn't realise how much Toshiro secretly loved that thing.
"We can set up the futon," Toshiro said quickly, and tried not to shift in discomfort when Isshin's eyes fell on him, unreadable.
"Yeah," Rangiku backed him up. "I've stayed enough times now to know where everything is."
The captain sighed and nodded. He leaned back against the other bench and watched them go about cleaning up the tea cup. He looked like he wanted to say something but hadn't worked out how to word it yet.
After a moment, he reached over and flicked on the kettle.
"I'll make some tea," Isshin began. "Do you want-"
"Oh that's okay," Rangiku jumped up then. "I can make the tea."
Isshin narrowed his eyes at the lieutenant.
"I've never known you to be so helpful, Matsumoto," his voice held humour for the first time since they had received the news.
Rangiku scoffed, "I'm always helpful, Captain."
"No, you're not," Isshin responded dryly.
Toshiro hurriedly cleaned up the broken cup as they bickered and stood again, quickly turning back to the other dishes and continuing the dry them. This time he was more careful not to drop any.
The conversation between Isshin and Rangiku was the closest thing to normal Toshiro had experienced this week, but somehow that was worse. Things couldn't be normal again already?
Of course, he was glad that Isshin was feeling better enough now to banter with Rangiku, but it still stung.
The final plate was almost too hard to dry, because Toshiro felt his throat tightening as if someone had a hand around his neck and was squeezing. He put the final plate away with a bit more of a clatter than he meant to, and made for the exit.
"Toshiro," Rangiku called after him. "Tea?"
Toshiro shook his head because he didn't trust his voice. He pointed up as he turned away and moved to leave the kitchen, hoping they would understand that he meant he was going upstairs to set up the futon.
He needed a moment to clear his head before the fireworks memorial, because he knew that was going to be hard too. At least it would be dark and everyone would be looking up at the sky – they wouldn't see him break down if it happened.
"You should go back to Mari before we have to move outside for the fireworks," Rangiku's voice then suggested to Isshin, softer. "I'll bring the tea out when it's done."
Toshiro snuck quickly past the sitting room to get to the stairs, and pretended not to see Granny and some of her friends sitting around the fireplace, talking about Kaien as a child as they waited for their tea.
Kaien loved a tea party by the fire. Toshiro had been to several of them at the Thirteenth in the past, but it was now another thing he had to accept was lost.
So much had been lost.
…
Kaien's death sent a shockwave across the Shiba family.
No one had expected it, no one knew how to react, least of all Isshin.
Kaien was his brother – his younger brother – and arguably his best friend. He was the kindest Shiba, the calmest and the most gentle. Now he and his wife were gone and no one deserved it less.
Isshin had to stay strong for his family, but he had hardly done that the night they found out.
He had lost it, truly lost it.
He had been at the Tenth that night. They had been told of Miyako's death that day, and Isshin had been waiting for word Kaien had returned to the Thirteenth so he could meet his brother and convince him to spend a few days at home to grieve privately.
But he never came home. Not alive anyway.
Ukitake and Rukia brought his body back.
Isshin found out through a Hell Butterfly – he had been in the middle of his nightly struggle to get Toshiro to bed on time. The last thing he had expected was to find out his younger brother was dead.
He had rushed home to find Kaien's lifeless body in the living room, his family in tears and screaming, Toshiro and Rangiku statues in the room when they arrived shortly after.
Isshin had gone numb.
He held his brother's body for what felt like hours.
Ukitake tried to explain, but that only upset the family more.
Finding out how Kaien had died had sent Isshin over the edge.
He burned that field until it was nothing but charcoal. He burned the Hollow's empty lair and surrounding forest, not once caring for any living creature in the area.
How dare a Hollow invade his brother's body. How dare it kill him and Miyako.
How dare Isshin not be there to help.
He should have known Kaien would have gone after the Hollow that took his wife. Isshin, as his older brother and the head of the clan, should have been there.
He wasn't though, and he would always live with that guilt.
He would also live with the guilt that Rangiku and Toshiro had gotten caught in his fiery rampage that resulted in the third seat's eventual collapse and the lieutenant's desperate, tear-filled plea for him to stop. Still Isshin saw the scattered burns the embers had left on Toshiro's body, and he still remembered the boy being sick from the heat once he woke up.
Isshin had done that.
The captain took a much calmer approach to his grief after that. He had a family to comfort – his sweet mother grieving the loss of her (favourite) son, his brother and sister who were burning with fury and demanded heads to roll over this though the Hollow responsible was already dead.
Still, calm as he was trying to be, every morning he woke up angry. He woke up devastated. He woke up empty. He woke up in endless pain.
The more he tried to accept it, the more it hurt.
The funeral was the hardest – that's when it became real.
Kaien was buried alongside his wife as he would have wanted, and right next to his father. Isshin's eulogy had been shaky at best, but he had gotten through it, only for the sake of his mother in the front row. When the funeral was over, Isshin felt a slight weight leave him, like some level of closure had been achieved – but it was distressing to feel that too.
He didn't want closure. He just wanted his brother back.
The wake had been better than Isshin had expected, though he had to force most of his smiles.
As heartbroken as they all were, Kaien and Miyako's lives were worth celebrating. They had accomplished so much, though they had never got that child they wanted – in hindsight, that was probably a good thing, given the tragic end.
After all, Isshin had been the only one to know that Miyako was pregnant.
Still, the day was taking its toll on Isshin. It was taking its toll on his family, and after what he had just witnessed in the kitchen, he knew Toshiro and Rangiku weren't as okay as they were trying to be.
He was utterly grateful for their presence today, his little second family that kept him grounded and sane. Still, he couldn't pretend they weren't hurting too – Kaien had been Rangiku's friend, and he had been Toshiro's uncle. They suffered too, just as much as the Shiba clan.
Rangiku had made the tea as promised and ushered Isshin back out to the sitting room. She brought the pot in a moment later before promptly disappearing to help Toshiro with the futon upstairs.
Isshin sat with Mari, watching his lieutenant's quick retreat.
He knew what they were doing. They were trying to delay their grief, they were probably even doing it for him, trying to stay strong their captain. They were trying to hold it in but they were on the brink of breaking. It was hurting them even more to keep it inside, and it was hurting Isshin to watch.
The captain sipped on his tea quietly, only half listening as Mari and her friends chatted. Eventually Kukaku returned from the yard and told them all to move outside, ready for the fireworks memorial she and Ganju had planned.
The guests ambled out to the backyard, gathering behind the barrier Kukaku had set up and waited, almost excitedly, for the show. Isshin led Mari out and dragged a chair for her to sit in at the very front. She patted his hand in thanks as her friends seemed to surround her with front row seats as well.
As the captain straightened, he spotted Toshiro and Rangiku. They were the last to emerge from the house and stood up on the back deck, behind the crowd of mourners, and holding onto each other's hands tightly. He had seen them doing that at the funeral too, and in the kitchen.
Overhead, the first firework was set off and it exploded blue. Isshin stared back at his subordinates though – with the flash of light on their faces, Isshin had seen the subtle glisten of the tears on their cheeks.
They had cracked, and they were lingering at the back where no one could see them.
Isshin moved through the crowd then, as more fireworks shot up with loud cannon bangs and exploded in an array of colours. The crowd ooh-ed and ahh-ed but the captain kept his focus, making a beeline to his two kids that were trembling where they stood.
They didn't clock his approach until he was almost directly in front of them, and their wet eyes held shock and guilt. They felt ashamed for grieving Isshin's brother.
The captain ignored that and moved between them. He reached down for Toshiro and pulled the boy up against his side, only faintly hearing the gasp of surprise before he put his arm around Rangiku and drew her close.
"Captain?" she asked, tone alarmed. "Are you o-?"
"I'm grieving my brother," the captain told her gently. He looked into those steely blue eyes, holding her gaze. "I'm grieving your friend."
Rangiku stared at him for a moment, her expression breaking, morphing as if he had just wounded her with those words. She blinked, but it was too late, the tears were flooding in. Her face crumpled.
"He was my friend," she nodded, voice cracking. "He was-"
She sobbed then, and Isshin drew her closer for a tight hug.
"-my friend," Rangiku choked out against the captain's chest. She cried hard, harder than when Gin had left her.
Isshin closed his eyes and pressed a small kiss into her hair before he turned his attention on the shaking third seat in his other arm.
Toshiro stared at the fireworks in the sky, ignoring the situation and looking anywhere but at Isshin. That stoic façade was cracking but the boy underneath it was desperately denying himself the reaction.
Overhead, the next firework formed the shape of a sea blue trident when it erupted – like Kaien's Shikai.
Isshin patted Toshiro's leg where he held him against his side and reluctantly those teal eyes fell on him, glassy.
"Kaien loved you," Isshin whispered to him softly, and he sent the boy a small smile. "He was always so proud of his little nephew."
Toshiro's face went that same wounded look Rangiku had had before his head fell suddenly against Isshin's shoulder. The captain felt him crying more than he heard it. The little body shook, and tears soaked the captain's formal kimono, both at the shoulder and his chest where Rangiku had her face buried.
He squeezed them both, letting them get all their emotions out, as the fireworks continued overhead, loud and beautiful.
Red, purple, gold.
Toshiro and Rangiku sobbed and shook in Isshin's hold, crying for the couple they had lost, and the captain held them firmly while blinking back tears of his own.
It hurt every fiber of Isshin's body to know that he would never see his own brother again. It crushed his heart that he couldn't remember the last words he spoke to Kaien, or the last time he told his brother he loved him. That's what stung the most.
Isshin felt so sick he wasn't sure how he was able to stand at a time like this. His insides felt like they were ripping apart – but that's what grief was.
They all grieved Kaien and Miyako. Their hearts were filled with immeasurable pain and sorrow, and nothing, not even time, could really heal it.
It would get easier, Isshin knew, but right now there was no escape.
It was overwhelming. It felt like drowning, it felt like no one else understood.
They did understand though. They all understood the pain, because Kaien had impacted all their lives.
Kaien's life had been so full, not for the years he lived or the accomplishments he made, but for the lives around him that he had touched. Not a single Soul had a bad word to say about him – he had always shown kindness to others.
That's why Kaien would be missed so much. That's why it hurt so damn much.
Isshin released a shuddering breath as he buried his nose into Toshiro's hair.
Toshiro and Rangiku shared his grief, and somehow that made him feel a little better.
They only grieved because they had loved.
"I love you both," Isshin told them when the fireworks stopped.
Between hiccups and shuddering breaths, Rangiku and Toshiro murmured that they loved him too.
The captain nodded as he turned them gently, leading them back into the house before anyone could see them this way.
He vowed that he wouldn't let another day pass where he didn't tell them he loved them.
…
The day after the wake, Isshin woke up to find the sun shining again, and for the first time that week he didn't hate it.
It felt like a new day.
He got out of bed and headed down the hall, knowing exactly where he was going. The manor was quiet – it was early, even Mari and Toshiro weren't up yet.
Creeping quietly, Isshin reached Toshiro's room and slipped in, finding the boy asleep in his bed. He was lying against the wall, which Isshin had seen him do before, realising the boy had a preference for the cool surface beside him.
On the futon, Rangiku slept bundled in blankets, a half empty bottle of sake abandoned beside her.
Glancing back at Toshiro, Isshin grimaced. The scrunched up tissues littered around the sleeping child didn't go unnoticed, and neither did the dragon plushie under his arm. Isshin had bought that for him is as joke, since Toshiro hated most things that made him look like a little kid, but it looked like the joke was on him now. Toshiro was a little kid.
Sighing, Isshin moved to the bed and slipped under the covers.
It was a single bed, so it was tight but that was fine because Isshin planned on cuddling the boy close anyway.
Toshiro stirred when Isshin laid down beside him.
"Dad?" he questioned groggily.
The D word usually only slipped out by accident, but Isshin always revelled in it.
"It's okay, go back to sleep," Isshin murmured, slipping his arm under Toshiro's head and throwing the other one across his middle.
The boy rolled over anyway, curling in Isshin's chest, bringing the dragon with him.
"Are you okay?" Toshiro asked, his voice thick with sleep. "Do you need anything?"
Even half asleep, that boy knew where his priorities lie. Isshin sighed and squeezed him gently.
"I miss your uncle," he admitted quietly, "but I feel a little better today."
It was a long time before Toshiro said anything, and Isshin almost thought he wouldn't, but then he felt the boy nod gently.
"Me too," Toshiro agreed softly. "I miss him."
Isshin swallowed as his eyes started stinging. He had hoped he'd get through today without getting emotional but he supposed he couldn't be blamed for anything that happened before he'd had a cup of coffee.
Toshiro snuggled further into Isshin's side, and his arm came across Isshin's chest in a loose hug.
Gods he loved this kid. Isshin was so utterly glad to still have him in this darkening world. Toshiro was the rays of sunshine poking through heavy storm clouds – ironic, given his powers.
Isshin could just imagine Kaien in the doorway right now, leaning against the threshold with his arms crossed over his chest and a massive grin on his face. He would be smirking at the sight of his once-a-party-boy older brother cuddling a small name-less Rukongai child in a bedroom made from their father's study.
"You're such a dad," Kaien would have chuckled, his infectious grin passing onto Isshin as the older Shiba flipped him off without Toshiro seeing.
Isshin could hear Kaien's outrageous laugh and his footsteps as they walked away from the door.
It was the memory that Isshin held onto in that moment, even though it wasn't a real memory at all. He could see it as clear as if it was one though.
And he knew his brother's memory would never fade.
…
Please leave a review if you're as sad as I am at Kaien's death :(
I will be dropping back to posting every second Sunday going forward!